Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog on the internet. I am your host, Pat Riot, and yesterday was my day. So, I was supposed to update the Phile last night but by time I got home from work I crashed. So, this week the Phile is back on Friday. Later on I will tell you when the next update will be, and it's not Thursday. My new Prius is wonderful! It stays in the garage next to Jen's car, where they both chat. The Prius asked how Jen's Jag driver was, and the Jag said, "Fine. She's wonderful, kind, treats me well, and is a careful driver. How's yours, Peverett Prius?" And my car replied, "He is an ass, swears a lot, and gives the middle finger to other drivers. Wanna swap?" I love how my car plays my iPod when I plug it in. It actually is a thirty thousand dollar iPod speaker. There are some rumors on the Internet that Sharon Stone is dating a man less than half her age. No, it’s not me. Nicolas Cage’s new movie, Bangkok Dangerous, came out over the weekend. Not to be confused with my new movie, Bang Cock Dangerous. Bangkok Dangerous sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger being grilled on foreign policy: “Bangkok dangerous, California safe.” Arizona Sen. John McCain accepted the Republican nomination for president — just as I said he would. McCain issued a call for Americans to take it upon themselves to help change the country. We all want to see things change for the better, but very few of us are willing to do something about it. By the way, when I say us, I don’t mean me. And not just for white people, but for all.
There was a story going around that Oprah doesn’t want Sarah Palin on her show. But Oprah issued a statement saying there have been no discussions about having her on. Apparently, between bathroom makeovers and the best look for curvy women, they’re all booked up. It has nothing to do with Obama. O.J. Simpson’s trial started this week. It started with kidnapping and robbery, but on the way to the trial, he got pulled over by the police . . . on the way! He can’t catch a break. It’s almost as if the universe is trying to punish him for something. Like some sort of karmic retribution is coming his way . . . Google is 10 years old today. For a whole decade Google has been helping you find old friends, get good prices . . . and in some cases, getvicepresidential running mates. John McCain is ahead in the national polls. A man his age rarely sees the polls go up. A Sarah Palin action figure came out today. They’re working on a John McCain one, too. The best part is, you can change his diaper. Man, I want that Palin figure so I can undress it. Sorry, I didn't mean to type that. Barbra Streisand is performing at an Obama fundraiser. It’s $25,000 a seat. But for $50,000, you don’t have to go. If Obama thought Palin was bad news for his campaign, what about an endorsement from Streisand? That’ll get you straight into “also-ran.” The Verne Troyer sex tape is out. I’m blocking out my whole weekend so I can study it.
It looks like a woman having a baby played in reverse. Obama has said you can put lipstick on a pig, and it’s still a pig. Republicans then said, Did you call Sarah Palin a pig? And Democrats said, It’s a pig’s right to wear lipstick . . . A new study came out that says men have a biological clock, too. I know I do. My big hand is always playing with my little one. Anybody here Kayne West fans? Kanye West was arrested at LAX. He smashed a paparazzi’s camera after he realized they were filming him. Then, he realized TMZ was there too filming him, so he tried to smash theirs as well. You can’t smash all the cameras. You’d be smashing the airport security cameras, the satellite cameras too. You can’t win. It’s like Wackamo. If Kanye wanted to really destroy the photographer’s camera, he should have checked the camera into his baggage.
THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST
From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Republican V.P. Nominee Sarah Palin
10. Won the governorship from a scratch off lottery ticket
9. Every year wrestles a polar bear at the Alaska State Fair
8. Commutes to her office with a hybrid-powered dog sled
7. Hottest vice presidential candidate since Joe Lieberman
6. She invented the Internet
5. Three words: raised by Huskies
4. That thing on her head is related to that thing on Donald Trump's head
3. First V.P. to wear pumps since Mondale
2. Frequently gets 3am phone calls from Bill Clinton
And the number one little-known fact about Sarah Palin...
1. David Duchovny's addicted to her... and so am I
FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG
A masked man armed with a semiautomatic gun robbed an East-West Expressway toll booth late Wednesday night before driving off, Orange County sheriff's deputies said.
The gunman, wearing a ski mask and driving an older-model Ford, possibly a Taurus, pulled up to the toll booth on state Road 408 at Pine Hills at about 11 p.m. and demanded money from the attendant, deputies said. The attendant complied with the demands of the assailant, who drove away westbound on state Road 408, deputies said.
SEPTEMBER 12TH IN HISTORY
The magnificent phallic symbol Cleopatra's Needle is erected in London on the bank of the Thames. It doesn't really have anything to do with Cleopatra. The obelisk has a twin in New York's Central Park, also named Cleopatra's Needle. It has nothing to do with Cleopatra, either.
NBC television premieres "The Monkees", a sitcom about four guys in a rock band. When the show becomes a hit, the fictional Monkees somehow release a string of albums, even though three of the actors can't even play their instruments.
After releasing most of their captives, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine blows up three hijacked passenger jets in the Jordanian desert. The 40 remaining Israeli hostages are taken to secret locations in Amman, Jordan.
The body of Steven Biko is discovered on the floor of a jail cell in Pretoria. The South African civil rights activist had been beaten and tortured six days earlier, during an interrogation in Port Elizabeth. Police officials claim that Biko probably suffered the fatal injuries when he "fell out of bed."
Anthony Perkins, star of the Hitchcock classic Psycho, dies of AIDS in his Hollywood hills home. His extraordinary versatility as an actor is captured in the films Psycho II, Psycho III, and Psycho IV: The New Beginning.
After a night of boozing and smoking crack, Frank Corder steals a Cessna P150 and crashes it into the south lawn of the White House. The wreckage tumbles over a tree and a hedge before coming to rest against the West Wing of the Executive Mansion. Corder's flamboyant suicide attack never actually imperiled President Clinton's life, since the First Family was sleeping elsewhere at the time.
And now a new pheature called...
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF FACEBOOK
1. Thou Shalt Not List Every Movie, TV Show, Band and Book You Have Ever Heard Of In Your Profile
Do you like Radiohead, A Confederacy of Dunces, and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Do you enjoy watching "The Office" and "Family Guy"? Of course you do - everyone likes those things. Why make it a point to express your enthusiasm for things that everyone likes? Maybe you’re cooler than that. Maybe you’re into cool, obscure bands like Fela Kuti and Einstürzende Neubauten. Awesome, dude - you have impeccable taste in shit that nobody has ever heard of. Congratulations. Everyone knows that a person is only as good as their taste in books, movies, bands and TV shows, but what exactly do you hope to accomplish by posting a 5,000-item laundry list? Are you going to forge deep and meaningful new relationships with people based on a mutual appreciation of "Entourage", or sever ties with good friends because they AREN’T into Fela Kuti? If you feel the need to share this information with the world (and I know that you do), keep it as short as possible. Remember: You’re not going to impress anyone. It’s the Internet. Nobody is impressed by ANYTHING on the Internet.
This is being reported by the British "newspaper" The Sun, so I urge you to consider the source before going mad with anticipation. The Sun first reported that Catherine Tate, Bernard Cribbins and John Simm would revisit their roles as Donna, Wilf and The Master respectively in one of the upcoming "Doctor Who" specials slated for 2009. Later, it reported that Paul McGann would return as the Doctor in a flashback capacity. I would love for any of that to happen. Particularly McGann's return. But, it's The Sun. They're made it standard operating procedure to publish unsubstantiated rumors from unnamed sources. Much as I wish these were true, I'm not going to hold my breath unless I hear it from some sort of official source. Preferably the BBC.
It sounds glorious! Jon Favreau is doing a lot of press for the upcoming Iron Man DVD, and he sat down with CHUD to give an interview so long, it's been split in twain. Naturally, talk turned to plans for Iron Man 2 and 3, which Favreau is deep in the process of writing. Among the highlights: War Machine is likely to be in the sequel, as Terrence Howard's Col. Rhodes had too little screen time in the first film. They want to make up for that, and give him a crack at wearing the suit. The Mandarin is the overarching, behind-the-scenes villain, but he comes with a lot of racial and superpower baggage that is difficult to put on screen. Starships, dragon aliens, and ten magic rings that can upset the power of the universe don't really fit into the realistic universe Favreau has aimed to put Iron Man in. And yes, Favreau is concerned about how the various Avengers will fit into that world, too. Hulk and Captain America are feasible (and the cross-over has pretty much been forced on the former), but he's not sure about Thor. (Who is?) The recent hostilities between Russia and the U.S. have made a lot of Iron Man's arch enemies current again -- and we might actually see Crimson Dynamo pop up. (I vote yes, so we can get the Black Widow introduced to audiences.) Demon in a Bottle is coming. Expect to also see some elements of Matt Fraction's Iron Man run pop up -- the movie and his work have a real symbiotic relationship going on. There may even be a partnership forming ...
Now, isn't that a nice way to start the weekend? There's more where that came from on CHUD.
There you have it, the latest entry of the Phile, thanks for reading. The next update will be on Sunday, and then again next Thursday. Why Sunday? Why not? Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Peace.
Sarah Palin is hot!