Hello, kids, and welcome to the 101st entry of the Phile, the web's most updated blog. Last Tuesday Jen and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. Ten years! And I
am still alive. That's a decade, you know. We were planning on going to California for
our tenth, but right now California is already cooking, if you know what I mean. Those wildfires — what a mess; 1,500 homes have been destroyed. Today, Rodney King asked Mother Nature if we could all just get along. President Bush is in a tough spot. On one hand, he wants to be sympathetic to the people who’ve lost their homes; on the other, he doesn’t want to appear more sympathetic to the wealthy mostly white people who live in Malibu than he was to the people who lived in New Orleans. So what he’s doing tomorrow is he’s making a visit to LL Cool J’s house. This week Britney Spears hit another photographer. If she hits one more she gets a free medium Slurpee at 7-Eleven. Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is getting some heat for not campaigning hard enough. He hasn’t been to South Carolina in more than a month; he canceled his trip to New Hampshire, another important state; and then he scrapped a press conference on Saturday. He’s pretty laid back about the whole thing. He says his strategy is working though. In fact he’s just put out a new ad: “He’s lazy; he’s late; and he doesn’t give a damn. Fred Thompson is all American. Fred Thompson for president. Or not. Whatever.” David Beckham and the LA Galaxies played their final game of the year Sunday. They got shut out by Chicago. The loss means the Galaxies will not be playing the post season. Out of 13 teams only five didn’t make the playoffs, and the Galaxy was one of them. That $50 million a year they’re paying Beckham really paid off. He scored exactly zero goals during the season.
SHARPENING AXES
Okay, this is the 101st entry of the Phile, so here are some facts about it. The very first post was originally done on Sept. 11th, 2005 with an editorial about 9/11. After that I posted four more lame entries with a few jokes (that were very rude) and a few dumb comments. In January of 2006 I deleted the Phile and started fresh with the Peverett Phile (Revisited) on Jan. 8th. That entry had no monologue, three jokes, and some pictures. The fonts were all messed up, and it looks messy now. The second entry had a top ten list under Canned Laughter and the first of Movie Buzz. I try to publish the entry every Thursday but during the summer of '06 when I was working at Star Wars Weekends, I posted on Sundays. I did the same this past year. Last summer as well the Phile had reached 2000 views. As far as the monologue goes, I get some jokes from Cona and Letterman and occassionally Leno, as well as make some up myself and from friends. Also, I refer to Wikipedia now and then. I want to thank everybody you reads the Phile thanks for reading, and I hope to do it for another 100 or so entries.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
A Clearwater man boarded a plane bound for Albany, NY at Tampa International Airport (TIA) Saturday with gunshot wounds. The Pinellas County sheriff's office said William J. Notaro, 37, was shot during a domestic dispute at an apartment complex in Dunedin. Deputies say a woman shot Notaro during an argument in the torso and arm. They say a friend helped him dress the wounds before making a pre-scheduled flight at TIA. Notaro endured a one hour flight to Charlotte, NC, where he had a layover. Deputies say the bleeding became noticeable as Notaro tried to change planes at the Charlotte Airport. Charlotte police said Notaro wanted to keep traveling to his final destination but airport police took him to the hospital instead. Deputies say he was treated at Carolinas Medical Center before resuming his journey to Albany to visit family. It's unclear how Notaro was able to get through security at TIA without anyone noticing he was injured. A TIA spokeswoman says Notaro didn't ask anyone for assistance and said people are able to pass through security with metal rods in their bodies. Deputies are following leads on a suspect, even though Notaro has indicated that he may not wish to prosecute.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1854
During the Crimean War's Battle of Balaclava, Lord Ragland orders the British cavalry corps on a suicide mission to capture artillery guns protected by 19,000 Russian troops. Hundreds are needlessly killed in what is later known as the Charge of the Light Brigade.
1913
Birthday of Klaus Barbie, infamous Nazi War Criminal. After World War II, US Intelligence helped the "Butcher of Lyons" enter Bolivia, where he lived openly for many years in the capital, La Paz. Barbie was finally deported to France in 1987.
1938
The Archbishop of Dubuque, the Most Reverend Francis J.L. Beckman, denounces the newfangled Swing music -- the latest craze -- as nothing more than "a degenerated musical system... turned loose to gnaw away the moral fiber of young people." Its cannibalistic rhythms are said to lead one down the "primrose path to Hell."
1957
In chair number four of the barber shop at the Park Sheraton hotel in Manhattan, Mafia don Albert Anastasia is shot five times by the Gallo Brothers, under orders from Carlo Gambino.
1983
In order to maintain an uninterrupted supply of nutmeg to satisfy global demand, the United States of America invades the Caribbean island of Grenada. The invasion is rationalized as a rescue mission for American medical school rejects stuck in a sleazy offshore diploma mill.
1991
On the way back from a Huey Lewis concert, rock promoter Bill Graham is killed when his helicopter hits high-voltage power lines in Vallejo, California.
NUTTED BY REALITY
Bonanza is disgusting. No, no, no ... not Bonanza with the Ponderosa! Hop Sing could always cook up a fine feast and the Cartwrights never fussed about hard labor. The episode title refers to Bonanza City, New Mexico. You know -- 40 days, 40 kids (well, 38 kids now and almost three weeks less), and no adults. Well, they say no adults, but believe me, it's the adults putting everything in motion. But it is indeed the kids of "Kid Nation" who make this show worth watching. It's the kids who, by being themselves, bring me entertainment each week. Oh, but Bonanza City is indeed disgusting. Or, it was before the adult push of the week. Okay, I know the show is heavily manipulated by the invisible adults who aren't there. No, it's not just in my mind. You can't see them except for Jonathan the host, but they're like gremlins hiding in the dark corners putting wacky ideas in the heads of these kids. I'm not crazy, I tell you! Shhh ... let me tell you a secret. It's the adults who write the journal to set up each episode theme. Yes, it's all a set-up in the world built by kids. Somehow, the kids in the town miraculously stumble upon the same problem as the town council leaders read about in the journal each week. I mean, this happens simultaneously. How spooky is that? This week, a half a dozen of the kids were complaining about how nasty their garbage dumping area was just as the town council read that they should do something about the garbage. Amazing! Of course, it can't be editing out of sequence ... or could it?
HEROES
For some reason I feel a little short changed by this episode of Heroes. Yes, there were plenty of twists and turns and moments of... "Wait! What the heck just happened," but I still feel that not enough progressed in the storylines I care about (mainly Hiro, Peter, HRG, and Sylar). There was just enough to make this episode not a waste of a Monday -- as if I had something better to do.
MOVIE BUZZ
Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay
A really odd poster shows only co-star Neil Patrick Harris and features the slogan "What Would NPH Do?" Apparently, not being afraid to look like he'd be happy sitting in a rowboat with Dumbledore, for one thing. I mean, what's with the unicorn?
I Am Legend
There's a new trailer in which we finally get to see the creepy albino vampire creatures who want to suck Will Smith's blood and have him join their ranks. You know, kind of like Will's good friends Tom and Katie.
Heather Mills Biopic
With her divorce settlement of £50 million still looming, the soon-to-be ex-Mrs. McCartney seriously wants Reese Witherspoon to star in the movie about her life. The unofficial working title of the film is All You Need Is Paul's Cash.
The Dark Knight
While there's no official word on when a full trailer will be ready, a candle burning down in a jack-o-lantern here has led to speculation that one may drop on Halloween. Or the candle is just a subtle message from producers to director Christopher Nolan about how much money is left in his budget.
Superman: The Man of Steel
With the Superman Returns screenwriters off the sequel, fan-favorite comic-book writer Mark Millar says he wants the job "like Hillary wants thin ankles." I hope if he gets the job, he does a complete revamp of ol' Supes the way Rudy likes to wear a dress now and again.
Rambo
Finally, we can now watch the first official trailer, complete with Sly in action and a very serious narrator who reminds us that we "know what he's capable of." If the narrator means mumbling his lines and making goofy grimaces, then yeah, we know.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
The first picture of Jet Li in action has finally hit, and it features the martial-arts master's foot flying right at Brendan Fraser's face. Is it just me, or does the look on Li's face scream, "And this is for George of the Jungle!"
The Lovely Bones
Ryan Gosling's out and Mark Wahlberg's in as the grieving father. Reportedly, Peter Jackson fired Gosling because the young method actor gained so much weight for the part that he "looked like he was wearing a fat suit." Ironically, Jackson's first choice to play the grieving mom was John Travolta in drag, but he dropped out, too.
Child's Play
Apparently the sixth Chucky film will be a remake of the original rather than a sequel. Plus, this time all the murder weapons will be toys, too, including death by Easy Bake Oven.
Captain America
Gena Rowlands bragged in a TV interview that son Nick Cassavetes is going to direct. Yeesh, the only accomplishment my mom bragged about to people was when I started going poopie by myself.
Wll, that's it for another entry. I have a bad headache so I won't be able to add more stuff today. And I have to go pick Logan up from school. I do still want to hit 3000 views by Christmas, and we are so close. Until next week, spread the word, not the turd.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
One's Too Many And A Hundred Ain't Enough
Hello, pholks, and welcome to the 100th entry of the Phile! Or as my wife calles it: one hundred days I wasted my time. You know, if the entries were years, it'll be a century. If the entries were pennies, it'll be a dollar. So, it's Biketoberfest time here in Florida, which
is not to be confused with the lesbian festival: Dyketoberfest. Wow, two jokes I made up myself, I am on a roll. Big week in Washington. President Bush had a historic meeting with the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush saw what the Dalai Lama was wearing and said, “Don’t tell me they lost your luggage.” Experts were worried about China’s reaction to President Bush’ meeting with the Dalai Lama. Bush said he doesn’t think his meeting with the Dalai Lama with damage our relationship with China. “But this might,” Bush said as he took a huge bite out of a panda bear sandwich. Yesterday, the world’s oldest blogger celebrated her birthday. She turned 108 years old. Unfortunately she only got two gifts — a bikini and a webcam. When she dies, I'll be the world's oldest blogger. The New York City subway system announced that it will hire 350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the number of workers cleaning the subway to 350. Tiger Woods is getting his own sports drink Gatorade Tiger. I’m trying to get my own Snapple flavor. Jason, Snapple — Crapple. The New York Times reports England is fighting a war of the squirrels. Gray squirrels vs. red squirrels. This is bigger than Alien vs. Predator, Rosie vs. Trump. Here’s what’s going on: The red squirrel is a native of England. It’s a small brained, red-headed, big-eared creature. But now, there’s a new kid on the block: The American gray squirrel. He’s bigger, he’s obnoxious, his fur is so bushy it looks like fake fur. Earlier this year, Al Gore won an Emmy and an Oscar. Now that he has won the Nobel Peace Prize, some people say he may run for president. Gore says he’s not even thinking about running for president because he’s thinking about the Heisman trophy. Britney Spears turned herself into police headquarters for a previous hit-and-run accident. While taking the mug shot photo, police said, “No, no Britney — we want a picture of your face.” At JFK airport the FBI arrested baggage handlers who apparently took part in a cocaine smuggling ring. The FBI became suspicious when they noticed the handlers were losing the luggage twice as fast. Madonna signed a 10-year record deal. That means she’ll be making records until she’s nearly 60. Instead of singing “express yourself,” she’ll be singing “I wet myself.” There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. This is the first time the words divorce and fair are being used together in the same sentence. It’s going to be a two-day extravaganza with lawyers, and mediators, and private detectives, fun-filled rides with signs on the rides that say, “You Must Be THIS Bitter to Go on This Ride.” What would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I need some Space Mountain. Matt Lauer sat down with Idaho senator and bathroom aficionado Larry Craig. Craig continues to deny that he solicited for sex. It was fun to watch the senator sit there with his wife talking about how gay he isn’t. I would have encouraged them to make love on camera to prove it. According to an article on the fashions and styles of the presidential candidates, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are the best dressed candidates. Not only that, Dennis Kucinich was voted the most likely to shop in the children’s department. Forbes magazine has come out with its annual list of the 400 richest Americans. This year’s list includes Oprah Winfrey and 300 members of her studio audience. Last Friday I got to play Goofy for a bit. I was so excited when I put on the costume. I was told, "Jason will no longer exist on the planet, and Goofy will take his place." When I told my wife, she said "You didn't really disappear, you just put on a costume."
DISNEY'S AMERICA
For more than 50 years, Disneyland has captured the imagination of its Guests with timeless fantasy worlds that enchant, delight and create memories that last a lifetime. This morning Disney CEO Bob Iger and Walt Disney Parks and Resorts Chairman Jay Rasulo unveiled a significant expansion for The Disneyland Resort, bringing even more of the park's magic to Disney's California Adventure (DCA). This multi-year project, which will include fantastic new entertainment and major family-oriented attractions, is a continuation of the growth strategy for the Anaheim Resort Area, further solidifying its position as a multi-day, world-class tourist destination From Pirates and Disney Princess to "High School Musical" and The Year of a Million Dreams, consumer demand for outstanding Disney experiences has generated record performance at The Disneyland Resort over the last several years. This new vision for Disney's California Adventure will further satisfy this demand by creating even more opportunities for Guests to enjoy the best of Disney storytelling with new attractions featuring characters from The Little Mermaid and Toy Story, as well as the addition of an all-new themed "land" entirely dedicated to Cars. Spanning 12 acres, "Cars Land" will transport Guests to the heart of Radiator Springs, where they will meet all of their favorite characters from the film and experience three new attractions, a Cars-themed dine-in restaurant and retail. "Cars Land" is also a great example of how the full creative resources of Pixar are being used in amazing new ways to reinvent and expand Disney's California Adventure. Opening next summer, Toy Story Mania! will add an exciting element of interactivity and energy to the Paradise Pier area. The Little Mermaid attraction will highlight the film's most memorable scenes and songs, and an amazing new nighttime spectacular, Disney's World of Color, will incorporate water effects, colorful lighting and music to bring the story of Disney animation to life along the Paradise Pier waterfront. One of the most significant changes to the park will be the Entry Plaza and Gateway, where Imagineers will recreate the 1920s Hollywood that Walt Disney first experienced when he arrived from Kansas City with little more than his imagination and determination. Much as Disneyland's Main Street celebrates the nostalgia of Walt's childhood at the turn of the century, the new Walt Disney Plaza will welcome Guests to historic Los Angeles and pay homage to Walt's experiences as a young artist with big dreams. The park will remain open to Guests throughout the expansion process, but when officially dedicated in several years, the reinvented Disney's California Adventure will be an even better complement to Disney's flagship park.
I WANNA TALK ABOUT ME
So, I told you about my experience being Goofy's "friend", right? Well, i got a nice e-mail about it. And this is what it said: What an honor we had this morning in helping make Jason's "Dream Come True" with an in costume experience. Thank you for allowing us to be part of this! We had a great time with the entire group (13-Professional Interns) and Jason Peverett (Epcot Cast Member with Disney 20 years).
It was not only fun to watch everyone "become friends" with their favorite Disney character, but truly amazing to see Jason's eyes light up and a genuine smile on his face after his experience. It is times like this, that we can all say, what an amazing company we work for! Where ALL of us have such a wonderful opportunity to make dreams come true both "on stage" and "back stage"! This will be a day we will never forget! A first for all of us! Thank you Jason for doing such a great job today! Again, thank you from the entire Entertainment Training Team!
R.I.P.
Deborah Kerr: Perennial loser. Six Oscar nominations and not a statue to show for it. She should have switched to porn.
Joey Bishop: If it wasn't for him. we'd be Regis-free...
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
An adult nightclub in Casselberry is offering free flu shots to Central Floridians. Rachel's Gentlemen's Club launched a free flu shot service at the business located on Semoran Boulevard in Casselberry. The flu shots will be free from noon until 4 p.m. for residents who are 55 years old and older. And given out by stripper Nurse Nancy.
TODAY IN HISTORY
I can't believe I forgot to do this pheature again last week. The most regularly done pheature and that's twice now I have forgotten about it.
1945
The USSR's nuclear program receives plans for America's plutonium bomb, courtesy of secret agent Klaus Fuchs at the Los Alamos National Laboratory.
1968
A police raid nets 168 grains of dope resin in the apartment of John Lennon and Yoko Ono. The couple is fined UKP 150.
1969
In Hawaii, Jefferson Airplane member Paul Kantner is charged with possession of Maui Wowie. "If you can remember anything about the sixties, you weren't really there."
1974
The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, based loosely on Ed Gein's story and originally titled "Headcheese," opensin theatres. One critic describes the film as "a vile piece of sick crap," containing "unrelenting sadistic violence as extreme and hideous as a complete lack of imagination can possibly make it." The movie is later banned in Germany and the UK.
SHARPENING AXES
Okay, so you know this is the 100th entry of the Phile, right? Well, here's some other 100 facts.
The number of years in a century.
A 100 year old person is known as a centenarian.
The number of runs required for a cricket batsman to score a Century, a significant milestone.
The number of pounds in an American short hundredweight.
The number of subunits into which many of the world's currencies are divided; for example, one euro is one hundred cents and one Pound Sterling is one hundred pence.
The denomination of the U.S. hundred-dollar bill with Benjamin Franklin's portrait; the "Benjamin" is the largest U.S. bill in print.
The denomination of American savings bonds with Thomas Jefferson's portrait.
The denomination of American treasury bonds with Andrew Jackson's portrait.
The number of the first folder of photos in the DCIM folder created by a brand-new digital camera (or after a change of memory card if the camera is set to auto-reset numbering).
The number of tiles in a standard Scrabble set.
In Greece, India and Israel, 100 is the police telephone number.
In Belgium, 100 is the ambulance telephone number.
In United Kingdom, 100 is the operator telephone number.
Hundred Days, aka the Waterloo Campaign.
"The First Hundred Days" is an arbitrary benchmark of a President of the United States' performance at the beginning of his term.
The record number of points scored in one NBA game, set by Wilt Chamberlain on March 2, 1962.
100 is the HTTP status code indicating that the client should continue with its request.
On "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine", "The Hundred" refers to a group of 100 young changelings sent out to explore the galaxy.
Historical years: AD 100 or 100 BC.
The minimum distance in yards for a Par 3 on a golf course.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Q: Why did the guy cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: What’s a redneck fortune cookie? A: A piece of corn bread with a food stamp baked inside.
Q: Why do they call it PMS? A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
NUTTED BY REALITY
Is it me or was there really not much to get up in arms about this week on "Kid Nation"? No killed animals, no steer taunting, no religious rivalry, no bullying. What's this show coming to, eh? Well, there was a smattering of bad behavior, but we're talking kids here. Some of these kids could be teensy adults, y'know. A lot of them certainly are more worldly than I was at their ages. And, the show reminded me that I should really study up on the chronological order of US Presidents. I definitely know the ones in my own lifetime, but I surely would put Taft in the wrong place.
HEROES
This week saw the introduction of Micah's extended family, the return of a clean-shaved Nathan Petrelli and the answer to who is Molly's monster. This episode was pretty boring and uneventful. Minus the big twist with Parkman's dad being the man in Molly's nightmares, I didn't feel like the story progressed much. I guess Nathan shaved his beard, which should be enough of an accomplishment for one episode, but somehow I felt a little bit short changed at the end of the episode. However, I thoroughly enjoyed meeting Monica and the merger of the Sylar storyline into Maya and Alejandro's. The episode most likely felt stagnant not because of what they put in it, but rather what they left out: Peter and Hiro. This is the first episode of "Heroes" this season that we don't get to see the two biggest protagonists and their absence is greatly felt. Since their plots are either geographically or temporally removed from the others, it is easy to use them when necessary and set them on their own trajectory. I really hope that the writers don't plan on leaving their stories out too many times during the season, because I don't know what I would do without my favorite heroes.
Because Peter and Hiro's storylines are the most interesting, in my opinion (and that is why you read my right? for my opinions?), I would rather have their plots switch off from episode to episode (maybe covering more depth) than have to forgo their presence in an episode ever again. But that might be a little bit selfish of me. Plus next week Kristen Bell starts her story arc, which from the previews seems to revolve around Peter, so I doubt we will be seeing less of the younger Petrelli. Hopefully that doesn't come at the expense of missing out on some Hiro heroics.
GEEK TALK
Talk of a Wolverine movie have been ongoing since (I think) right after X2 came out, and the project has been moving forward (slowly but surely) since that time. Now comes word from Variety that the Hugh Jackman spinoff project has claimed a release date, changed its title (slightly), and promises some new mutants that we haven't seen yet ... as well as some old young friends. May 1, 2009, is when the Gavin Hood-directed Fox action movie will make its debut, and when it arrives it'll most likely be called X-Men Origins: Wolverine -- which means we can probably expect to hear some fresh news about X-Men Origins: Magneto some time soon. It also looks like Liev Schreiber is close to signing on as William Stryker. Yes, he'll be playing the younger version of the Brian Cox character from X2. According to Variety, the story "explores the claw-wielding character Wolverine's violent and romantic past, and his complex relationship with Victor Creed and the ominous Weapon X program, as well as his encounters with other mutants." (The Wolverine screenplay comes from Troy writer David Benioff.) And since Mr. Hood is presently scheduled to shoot some of Wolverine in New Orleans, that's led to some speculation that Gambit may be among the new mutants.
MOVIE BUZZ
Star Trek
Seems like the Enterprise has finally gotten its new captain. Relative unknown Chris Pine will be starring as James Tiberius Kirk in the sci-fi redo. I just hope he doesn't fly too close to the sun, because then the ship will just reek of Pine Sol.
The Eye
In the spooky trailer, Jessica Alba stars as a blind woman who gets an eye transplant, but her new peepers force to have scary visions of ghosts. If she wants to see something really scary, she should be forced to watch Rise of the Silver Surfer in an endless loop. I'm just kidding, I loved that movie.
Trailer Trash
Torture-porn fiend Eli Roth says his next film of all-fake movie trailers will actually be a comedy in the vein of Monty Python and the HolyGrail. You know, I always felt that the Black Knight scene was the inspiration for the Hostel films.
J.C.V.D.
Who knew Jean Claude Van Damme could be funny? But he's a riot in the four-minute promo video in which he tries to win the lead role in his own biopic. Hey, screw the biopic. They should relaunch the Rush Hour franchise with him in the Jackie Chan role.
Kept
Producers of the Saw franchise are branching out, and their next film will be a more slash-happy semi-remake of Fatal Attraction, in which a businessman cheats on his wife while on a trip. The sick thing is he cheats on her with a creepy little puppet.
Hellraiser
Clive Barker's horror classic is getting an update by a French filmmaking duo, Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo, who claim this won't be a strict remake and will star an all-new Pinhead. Gérard Depardieu, perhaps?
Burlesque
The next big Hollywood musical will be this one about a young woman who gets involved in the world of neo-burlesque, which director Steven Antin describes as "singing, dancing, comedy and more tease than striptease." You know, it's kind of refreshing when a filmmaker promises his movie will have less nudity instead of more.
Untraceable
Diane Lane tracks down a psycho killer in this trailer. The victims are slowly tortured and killed the more people visit a website called Kill With Me. Of course, they'd die much quicker if he called the site Free Pictures of Naked Celebrities.
Big Eyes
Ed Wood screenwriters Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski's next biopic will be on Margaret Keane, the woman who painted all those pictures of kids with big, black eyes. I can't look at that woman's work and not be completely freaked out after seeing that creepy little kid in The Grudge.
Benighted
They're making a film based on the novel in which 90 percent of the Earth's population are werewolves. Know who benefits the most when almost everyone is covered in fur? Shampoo companies.
Dune
The Kingdom's director Peter Berg is rumored to be filming another adaptation of the sci-fi novel about an alien who tames an army of giant worms. If he can train worms, I wonder if that dude could also talk to spiders. If so, I need him to come over and stop the swarms that keep invading my house, like, now.
Love Ranch
Joe Pesci's first major role in almost ten years will be starring alongside Helen Mirren. They'll play a real-life couple who opened the first legal brothel in Nevada. Shoot, I was hoping his big comeback would be in Gone Fishin' 2.
There you have it, phans, the 100th entry of the Phile. I am still hoping to have 3000 views by Christmas, and we're doing good so far. In next week's Phile, we'll take a look back at the last 100 entries, in Peverett Phile 101. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Thanks for reading.
is not to be confused with the lesbian festival: Dyketoberfest. Wow, two jokes I made up myself, I am on a roll. Big week in Washington. President Bush had a historic meeting with the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush saw what the Dalai Lama was wearing and said, “Don’t tell me they lost your luggage.” Experts were worried about China’s reaction to President Bush’ meeting with the Dalai Lama. Bush said he doesn’t think his meeting with the Dalai Lama with damage our relationship with China. “But this might,” Bush said as he took a huge bite out of a panda bear sandwich. Yesterday, the world’s oldest blogger celebrated her birthday. She turned 108 years old. Unfortunately she only got two gifts — a bikini and a webcam. When she dies, I'll be the world's oldest blogger. The New York City subway system announced that it will hire 350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the number of workers cleaning the subway to 350. Tiger Woods is getting his own sports drink Gatorade Tiger. I’m trying to get my own Snapple flavor. Jason, Snapple — Crapple. The New York Times reports England is fighting a war of the squirrels. Gray squirrels vs. red squirrels. This is bigger than Alien vs. Predator, Rosie vs. Trump. Here’s what’s going on: The red squirrel is a native of England. It’s a small brained, red-headed, big-eared creature. But now, there’s a new kid on the block: The American gray squirrel. He’s bigger, he’s obnoxious, his fur is so bushy it looks like fake fur. Earlier this year, Al Gore won an Emmy and an Oscar. Now that he has won the Nobel Peace Prize, some people say he may run for president. Gore says he’s not even thinking about running for president because he’s thinking about the Heisman trophy. Britney Spears turned herself into police headquarters for a previous hit-and-run accident. While taking the mug shot photo, police said, “No, no Britney — we want a picture of your face.” At JFK airport the FBI arrested baggage handlers who apparently took part in a cocaine smuggling ring. The FBI became suspicious when they noticed the handlers were losing the luggage twice as fast. Madonna signed a 10-year record deal. That means she’ll be making records until she’s nearly 60. Instead of singing “express yourself,” she’ll be singing “I wet myself.” There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. This is the first time the words divorce and fair are being used together in the same sentence. It’s going to be a two-day extravaganza with lawyers, and mediators, and private detectives, fun-filled rides with signs on the rides that say, “You Must Be THIS Bitter to Go on This Ride.” What would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I need some Space Mountain. Matt Lauer sat down with Idaho senator and bathroom aficionado Larry Craig. Craig continues to deny that he solicited for sex. It was fun to watch the senator sit there with his wife talking about how gay he isn’t. I would have encouraged them to make love on camera to prove it. According to an article on the fashions and styles of the presidential candidates, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are the best dressed candidates. Not only that, Dennis Kucinich was voted the most likely to shop in the children’s department. Forbes magazine has come out with its annual list of the 400 richest Americans. This year’s list includes Oprah Winfrey and 300 members of her studio audience. Last Friday I got to play Goofy for a bit. I was so excited when I put on the costume. I was told, "Jason will no longer exist on the planet, and Goofy will take his place." When I told my wife, she said "You didn't really disappear, you just put on a costume."
DISNEY'S AMERICA
For more than 50 years, Disneyland has captured the imagination of its Guests with timeless fantasy worlds that enchant, delight and create memories that last a lifetime. This morning Disney CEO Bob Iger and Walt Disney Parks and Resorts Chairman Jay Rasulo unveiled a significant expansion for The Disneyland Resort, bringing even more of the park's magic to Disney's California Adventure (DCA). This multi-year project, which will include fantastic new entertainment and major family-oriented attractions, is a continuation of the growth strategy for the Anaheim Resort Area, further solidifying its position as a multi-day, world-class tourist destination From Pirates and Disney Princess to "High School Musical" and The Year of a Million Dreams, consumer demand for outstanding Disney experiences has generated record performance at The Disneyland Resort over the last several years. This new vision for Disney's California Adventure will further satisfy this demand by creating even more opportunities for Guests to enjoy the best of Disney storytelling with new attractions featuring characters from The Little Mermaid and Toy Story, as well as the addition of an all-new themed "land" entirely dedicated to Cars. Spanning 12 acres, "Cars Land" will transport Guests to the heart of Radiator Springs, where they will meet all of their favorite characters from the film and experience three new attractions, a Cars-themed dine-in restaurant and retail. "Cars Land" is also a great example of how the full creative resources of Pixar are being used in amazing new ways to reinvent and expand Disney's California Adventure. Opening next summer, Toy Story Mania! will add an exciting element of interactivity and energy to the Paradise Pier area. The Little Mermaid attraction will highlight the film's most memorable scenes and songs, and an amazing new nighttime spectacular, Disney's World of Color, will incorporate water effects, colorful lighting and music to bring the story of Disney animation to life along the Paradise Pier waterfront. One of the most significant changes to the park will be the Entry Plaza and Gateway, where Imagineers will recreate the 1920s Hollywood that Walt Disney first experienced when he arrived from Kansas City with little more than his imagination and determination. Much as Disneyland's Main Street celebrates the nostalgia of Walt's childhood at the turn of the century, the new Walt Disney Plaza will welcome Guests to historic Los Angeles and pay homage to Walt's experiences as a young artist with big dreams. The park will remain open to Guests throughout the expansion process, but when officially dedicated in several years, the reinvented Disney's California Adventure will be an even better complement to Disney's flagship park.
I WANNA TALK ABOUT ME
So, I told you about my experience being Goofy's "friend", right? Well, i got a nice e-mail about it. And this is what it said: What an honor we had this morning in helping make Jason's "Dream Come True" with an in costume experience. Thank you for allowing us to be part of this! We had a great time with the entire group (13-Professional Interns) and Jason Peverett (Epcot Cast Member with Disney 20 years).
It was not only fun to watch everyone "become friends" with their favorite Disney character, but truly amazing to see Jason's eyes light up and a genuine smile on his face after his experience. It is times like this, that we can all say, what an amazing company we work for! Where ALL of us have such a wonderful opportunity to make dreams come true both "on stage" and "back stage"! This will be a day we will never forget! A first for all of us! Thank you Jason for doing such a great job today! Again, thank you from the entire Entertainment Training Team!
R.I.P.
Deborah Kerr: Perennial loser. Six Oscar nominations and not a statue to show for it. She should have switched to porn.
Joey Bishop: If it wasn't for him. we'd be Regis-free...
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
An adult nightclub in Casselberry is offering free flu shots to Central Floridians. Rachel's Gentlemen's Club launched a free flu shot service at the business located on Semoran Boulevard in Casselberry. The flu shots will be free from noon until 4 p.m. for residents who are 55 years old and older. And given out by stripper Nurse Nancy.
TODAY IN HISTORY
I can't believe I forgot to do this pheature again last week. The most regularly done pheature and that's twice now I have forgotten about it.
1945
The USSR's nuclear program receives plans for America's plutonium bomb, courtesy of secret agent Klaus Fuchs at the Los Alamos National Laboratory.
1968
A police raid nets 168 grains of dope resin in the apartment of John Lennon and Yoko Ono. The couple is fined UKP 150.
1969
In Hawaii, Jefferson Airplane member Paul Kantner is charged with possession of Maui Wowie. "If you can remember anything about the sixties, you weren't really there."
1974
The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, based loosely on Ed Gein's story and originally titled "Headcheese," opensin theatres. One critic describes the film as "a vile piece of sick crap," containing "unrelenting sadistic violence as extreme and hideous as a complete lack of imagination can possibly make it." The movie is later banned in Germany and the UK.
SHARPENING AXES
Okay, so you know this is the 100th entry of the Phile, right? Well, here's some other 100 facts.
The number of years in a century.
A 100 year old person is known as a centenarian.
The number of runs required for a cricket batsman to score a Century, a significant milestone.
The number of pounds in an American short hundredweight.
The number of subunits into which many of the world's currencies are divided; for example, one euro is one hundred cents and one Pound Sterling is one hundred pence.
The denomination of the U.S. hundred-dollar bill with Benjamin Franklin's portrait; the "Benjamin" is the largest U.S. bill in print.
The denomination of American savings bonds with Thomas Jefferson's portrait.
The denomination of American treasury bonds with Andrew Jackson's portrait.
The number of the first folder of photos in the DCIM folder created by a brand-new digital camera (or after a change of memory card if the camera is set to auto-reset numbering).
The number of tiles in a standard Scrabble set.
In Greece, India and Israel, 100 is the police telephone number.
In Belgium, 100 is the ambulance telephone number.
In United Kingdom, 100 is the operator telephone number.
Hundred Days, aka the Waterloo Campaign.
"The First Hundred Days" is an arbitrary benchmark of a President of the United States' performance at the beginning of his term.
The record number of points scored in one NBA game, set by Wilt Chamberlain on March 2, 1962.
100 is the HTTP status code indicating that the client should continue with its request.
On "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine", "The Hundred" refers to a group of 100 young changelings sent out to explore the galaxy.
Historical years: AD 100 or 100 BC.
The minimum distance in yards for a Par 3 on a golf course.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Q: Why did the guy cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: What’s a redneck fortune cookie? A: A piece of corn bread with a food stamp baked inside.
Q: Why do they call it PMS? A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
NUTTED BY REALITY
Is it me or was there really not much to get up in arms about this week on "Kid Nation"? No killed animals, no steer taunting, no religious rivalry, no bullying. What's this show coming to, eh? Well, there was a smattering of bad behavior, but we're talking kids here. Some of these kids could be teensy adults, y'know. A lot of them certainly are more worldly than I was at their ages. And, the show reminded me that I should really study up on the chronological order of US Presidents. I definitely know the ones in my own lifetime, but I surely would put Taft in the wrong place.
HEROES
This week saw the introduction of Micah's extended family, the return of a clean-shaved Nathan Petrelli and the answer to who is Molly's monster. This episode was pretty boring and uneventful. Minus the big twist with Parkman's dad being the man in Molly's nightmares, I didn't feel like the story progressed much. I guess Nathan shaved his beard, which should be enough of an accomplishment for one episode, but somehow I felt a little bit short changed at the end of the episode. However, I thoroughly enjoyed meeting Monica and the merger of the Sylar storyline into Maya and Alejandro's. The episode most likely felt stagnant not because of what they put in it, but rather what they left out: Peter and Hiro. This is the first episode of "Heroes" this season that we don't get to see the two biggest protagonists and their absence is greatly felt. Since their plots are either geographically or temporally removed from the others, it is easy to use them when necessary and set them on their own trajectory. I really hope that the writers don't plan on leaving their stories out too many times during the season, because I don't know what I would do without my favorite heroes.
Because Peter and Hiro's storylines are the most interesting, in my opinion (and that is why you read my right? for my opinions?), I would rather have their plots switch off from episode to episode (maybe covering more depth) than have to forgo their presence in an episode ever again. But that might be a little bit selfish of me. Plus next week Kristen Bell starts her story arc, which from the previews seems to revolve around Peter, so I doubt we will be seeing less of the younger Petrelli. Hopefully that doesn't come at the expense of missing out on some Hiro heroics.
GEEK TALK
Talk of a Wolverine movie have been ongoing since (I think) right after X2 came out, and the project has been moving forward (slowly but surely) since that time. Now comes word from Variety that the Hugh Jackman spinoff project has claimed a release date, changed its title (slightly), and promises some new mutants that we haven't seen yet ... as well as some old young friends. May 1, 2009, is when the Gavin Hood-directed Fox action movie will make its debut, and when it arrives it'll most likely be called X-Men Origins: Wolverine -- which means we can probably expect to hear some fresh news about X-Men Origins: Magneto some time soon. It also looks like Liev Schreiber is close to signing on as William Stryker. Yes, he'll be playing the younger version of the Brian Cox character from X2. According to Variety, the story "explores the claw-wielding character Wolverine's violent and romantic past, and his complex relationship with Victor Creed and the ominous Weapon X program, as well as his encounters with other mutants." (The Wolverine screenplay comes from Troy writer David Benioff.) And since Mr. Hood is presently scheduled to shoot some of Wolverine in New Orleans, that's led to some speculation that Gambit may be among the new mutants.
MOVIE BUZZ
Star Trek
Seems like the Enterprise has finally gotten its new captain. Relative unknown Chris Pine will be starring as James Tiberius Kirk in the sci-fi redo. I just hope he doesn't fly too close to the sun, because then the ship will just reek of Pine Sol.
The Eye
In the spooky trailer, Jessica Alba stars as a blind woman who gets an eye transplant, but her new peepers force to have scary visions of ghosts. If she wants to see something really scary, she should be forced to watch Rise of the Silver Surfer in an endless loop. I'm just kidding, I loved that movie.
Trailer Trash
Torture-porn fiend Eli Roth says his next film of all-fake movie trailers will actually be a comedy in the vein of Monty Python and the HolyGrail. You know, I always felt that the Black Knight scene was the inspiration for the Hostel films.
J.C.V.D.
Who knew Jean Claude Van Damme could be funny? But he's a riot in the four-minute promo video in which he tries to win the lead role in his own biopic. Hey, screw the biopic. They should relaunch the Rush Hour franchise with him in the Jackie Chan role.
Kept
Producers of the Saw franchise are branching out, and their next film will be a more slash-happy semi-remake of Fatal Attraction, in which a businessman cheats on his wife while on a trip. The sick thing is he cheats on her with a creepy little puppet.
Hellraiser
Clive Barker's horror classic is getting an update by a French filmmaking duo, Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo, who claim this won't be a strict remake and will star an all-new Pinhead. Gérard Depardieu, perhaps?
Burlesque
The next big Hollywood musical will be this one about a young woman who gets involved in the world of neo-burlesque, which director Steven Antin describes as "singing, dancing, comedy and more tease than striptease." You know, it's kind of refreshing when a filmmaker promises his movie will have less nudity instead of more.
Untraceable
Diane Lane tracks down a psycho killer in this trailer. The victims are slowly tortured and killed the more people visit a website called Kill With Me. Of course, they'd die much quicker if he called the site Free Pictures of Naked Celebrities.
Big Eyes
Ed Wood screenwriters Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski's next biopic will be on Margaret Keane, the woman who painted all those pictures of kids with big, black eyes. I can't look at that woman's work and not be completely freaked out after seeing that creepy little kid in The Grudge.
Benighted
They're making a film based on the novel in which 90 percent of the Earth's population are werewolves. Know who benefits the most when almost everyone is covered in fur? Shampoo companies.
Dune
The Kingdom's director Peter Berg is rumored to be filming another adaptation of the sci-fi novel about an alien who tames an army of giant worms. If he can train worms, I wonder if that dude could also talk to spiders. If so, I need him to come over and stop the swarms that keep invading my house, like, now.
Love Ranch
Joe Pesci's first major role in almost ten years will be starring alongside Helen Mirren. They'll play a real-life couple who opened the first legal brothel in Nevada. Shoot, I was hoping his big comeback would be in Gone Fishin' 2.
There you have it, phans, the 100th entry of the Phile. I am still hoping to have 3000 views by Christmas, and we're doing good so far. In next week's Phile, we'll take a look back at the last 100 entries, in Peverett Phile 101. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Thanks for reading.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
A Vanilla Ice Cream Cone With A Chocolate Flake
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Thursday, October 4, 2007
Every Phile Comes Out Thursday
Hello, and welcome to another entry of the Phile, the web's most updated blog, read all over the world. It's October and time for the new Phile. I so look forward to the brightly colored leaves. Oh, wait, I live in Florida, the leaves won't change. I love it because it's the only time of year that you can still say, "colored" and get away with it. Yes, this is my second favorite time of year. Second only to April when the leaves can best be described as, "sneaky Asians". The New York Knicks and coach Isaiah Thomas were found guilty of sexual harassment. The Knicks punishment is that they have to pay $11 million and Isaiah Thomas’ punishment is that he has to keep coaching the Knicks. At the White House, President Bush hosted a group of Muslims for a traditional Ramadan meal called the Iftar dinner. Last year’s Iftar dinner didn’t go so well after President Bush stood up and yelled, “Let’s get this party If-tarded.” A judge ruled that Britney Spears’ kids would be better off they go to live with Kevin Federline. The judge made the ruling after a six-month exhaustive search for an option C. It was announced that, over the summer, Hillary Clinton’s campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama’s campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions. Two California cities may ban smoking in apartments. I don’t know about not smoking in your own apartment. Next think you know, you won’t be able to Google yourself. I don’t know if banning stuff really works. They banned alcohol in the 1920s. That didn’t really work. Well, it worked for some — the Kennedy family and Al Capone . . . Monday Epcot turned 25 years old and everybody celebrated. Not to feel left out, the Magic Kingdom said, "Hey, I'm 36."
On Tuesday it was Sting’s birthday! Not only Sting’s but Kelly Ripa’s too. Sting, Kelly Ripa, both lovely, both different. One is a sexy blonde perky love machine I’d like to wake up with in the morning, and the other is Kelly Ripa. Ha! Just kidding, I am not gay. It’s Oktober Fest in Germany. Thousands of Germans marching up and down the street, singing in unison. What could possibly go wrong? Tuesday was the premier of “Cavemen.” It’s about three cavemen who share an apartment: Fred, Barney, and Fabio. There were three different typesof cavemen: the Cromagnums, the Neanderthals, and before the Neanderthals, the Baldwins. Monday was the first day American citizens are required to have a passport to get into Mexico. Previously all you needed to get into Mexico is a hankering for diarrhea. Orlando Bloom may be off the market. He was seen kanoodling with Jennifer Aniston. I think he was lured in by the faint smell of Brad Pitt. If they get together, they’re going to need a name, like “Brangelina” or “Tomcat.” “Bloomifer,” or “Orlanniston.” “Orlanniston.” I don’t think that will work. It’s like an unstable country. Microsoft announced they may buy CISCO for $10 billion. How much money is $10 billion? Well, if you take what I earn, and add about $10 billion . . . You know what else? The Sex Pistols have announced they’re reuniting for the 30th anniversary of their album. It’s their 30th anniversary. They’re album was called, “Never Mind the Bollocks.” Mind my bollocks, because I’m tripping over them right now.
THE SOAP BOX
October is finally here and everyone in America is buzzing about our favorite national pastime. No, I'm not talking about processed foods and racism. I'm talking about baseball. The Major League playoffs are here and you can feel the manufactured, insincere excitement in the air. So in the immortal words of Hank Williams Jr., ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL! Go Giants! Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon applied for -- and were granted -- a marriage license late Saturday in Las Vegas, according to the Clark County's Marriage License Bureau. Rick Salomon is best known for starring in, and selling the Paris Hilton sex tape. People wondering why Anderson would get involved with this douchebag need to remember that her last round of plastic surgery involved replacing her brain with salt water taffy. Salomon plans to release the honeymoon sex tape in IMAX format in order to display her breasts at their actual size. In sports news, the Mets suck. In political news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced Bill Johnson) recently stirred up controversy when he said there were no homosexuals in Iran. Never one to make an uninformed statement, Ahmadinejad previously had butt-sex with every man in Iran to see if any of them liked it. Turns out he was right. On behalf of America, I'm sorry we doubted you. Now go back to that sandpit you call a country, Saddam Lite.
MOST NEEDLESSLY DETAILED WIKIPEDIA ENTRIES
List of "7th Heaven"Episodes:
Basically, somebody pitched a show about a Protestant minister’s family to the WB, and that show ended up dragging on for 11 seasons and garnering a staggering 29,601-word Wikipedia entry. We’ve never seen the show, so we can’t judge, but ... No, you know what? It was probably pretty terrible. Word Count: 29,601. That's more words than The Old Man and the Sea (26,601). Can you guess how many times "7th Heaven" mentions ass? Not nearly as many times as it does “church,” I can tell you that.
DISNEY'S AMERICA
On the morning of Monday, Oct. 1, Guests and Cast Members gathered around Future World Fountain Stage and took part is a special Silver Anniversary Ceremony to commemorate Epcot's 25th anniversary. From talking about Figment to sharing stories about going around World Showcase, the audience was excited and ready to be a part of history. "There is so much energy here today," said Walt Disney World Ambassador Lowell Doringo prior to the ceremony. "Epcot is special because this is where it all began for me and to be here celebrating the 25th anniversary is amazing."
At 10:01 a.m., Walt Disney World Ambassador Michael Kelley kicked off the ceremony and welcomed everyone to the park where he first got his start. He then turned the podium over to emcee Tracy Wu. Tracy welcomed Cast Members representing Future World attractions and invited Erin Wallace, Walt Disney World senior vice president of Operations and Jim MacPhee, vice president of Epcot to the stage. The two Leaders talked about Walt Disney's vision, what makes Epcot so unique and even shared some personal memories. "I was here 25 years ago, working in the parking lot," Jim said. Moments later, Jim and Erin then welcomed Disney Legend and Walt Disney Imagineering Ambassador Marty Sklar. Marty talked about Walt's vision and shared some wise advice Walt once gave him: "You can educate people, but don't tell people you're doing it." Cast Members from Future World then left the stage and made room for Cast Members representing each of the 11 countries featured in World Showcase. Cast Members from each pavilion carried a pot of water from a river in that respective country to help recreate the dedication ceremony that took place a quarter-century ago. "Today on Oct. 1, 2007, we re-dedicate Epcot and ourselves to a new future that begins now," Marty said. With the dramatic gusts of water from the fountain behind the stage and fireworks exploding in the sky, the ceremony came to a close and Epcot officially turned 25.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
St. Petersburg televangelist Bill Keller has a message for Osama bin Laden: Convert to Christianity or face an eternity in hell. Keller flooded nearly 200 national and international Web hosting sites with a 10-minute video sermon over the weekend in hopes that it would reach bin Laden. In it, Keller, 49, calls bin Laden "a tool of Satan" who could escape the wrath of God by turning his life over to Christ and urging other Muslims to do the same. "You can become one of the greatest soul winners in human history," he said. "God could use you to deliver hundreds of thousands from the flames of hell to the glories of heaven." Keller said he chose the video format because it's bin Laden's preferred communication tool. Great. Evangelical jujitsu. Just wonderful...that'll help.
R.I.P.
Lois Maxwell, the definitive Miss Moneypenny in James Bond films: broke.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots’ uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high-five. “You know,” says one pilot to the other, “one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
NUTTED BY REALITY
Let's see ... no animals were killed in the filming of last night's episode of "Kid Nation". A few outhouses might have received considerable damage, a lot of pizzas were wasted, and they made ten-year-old Taylor cry. Oh, I think she deserved some sort of comeuppance, but I still felt sorry for her when it came. I suppose she's going to have to deal with it, eh? This week's adult interference came in the form of the "journal" advising the council members to set a curfew. I think it was good advice in the long run because, after all, the kids were getting all hyped up in sugar-crazed root beer chugging parties into the wee hours of the night. Darn it, if they're going to get high on sugar, do it in the morning when they can work it off, right? I've decided I'm hooked on this show. While I don't like the adult direction in setting everything up and the advice from the journal each week, I enjoy these kids. Well, for the most part, that is. I want to see the day they make the unwise choice of rewards for completing a showdown within the set time span. I want to see them uprise and overthrow the town council. I want a revolution, kids! Er ... maybe not a revolution, I guess. I would love to see them stand up to the authority running the show, though. But, most of all, I find it refreshing that the kids on the show often show compassion towards one another. Plus, as the old Art Linkletter show showed us -- "Kids Say the Darndest Things". This week's winners for that were Taylor saying that President Bush had to be mean because you have to be bossy to get attention, Jared screaming "It's a twister! It's a twister!" and one of the girls saying it was hard to be there when the wind blows your face off. It's hard to run a town with your face blown off by the wind, yes it is.
HEROES
"Have you seen a scary white man?" - Hiro Nakamura, time traveler. Last week I told you pretty much scene by scene what happened on "Heroes." Most of you watched it, so I don't really have to go into to much detail, so I will just review the episodes instead. No Nikki, D.L., or Micah again. I really hope they eventually comeback into the fold, but to be honest there are enough story lines going on right now to keep them on the back burner. My knees are knocking though to see the next stage of Micah's powers. Also, there has been very little love for Ando and I want to see more of him on screen. At the end of the season last year, he established his own persona and became a hero in his own right and deserves a little more face time. I had a friend that was watching the episode and screamed, "I can't take it anymore. It's too much." He was just overwhelmed and he sat down and enjoyed the rest of the episode, but he did have a point. Multi-century, multi-story line, multi-continent, multi-language ... the Heroes has a multi of multis. The big budget (the Port Au Prince shots were vibrant and eye-catching) and epic feel will only carry so far. I have faith that the writers will not reach a peak and cop out (like they did with the season finale last spring). Hopefully, they have the foresight to know their current trajectory and how to make everything tie together.
GEEK TALK
We don't have to wait two years! We only have to wait one! In case you can't tell, I'm excited to hear the solo Wolverine spin-off will be hitting theaters in 2008, rather than 2009, as we've always thought. But is it true? According to IESB, it is. The site spoke with Wolverine director Gavin Hood -- twice -- and claims the guy said Fox is pushing the thing out next summer. However, Hood is also quoted as saying production doesn't even begin until either December or January and that it would take four months to shoot. So what is it, guys, is he starting filming in just under a month, or is he starting in a few months? Either way, I'm still excited to know it's going into production soon. Wolverine, which star Hugh Jackman and Wizard magazine discussed in-depth recently, will lens in Australia and New Zealand and will apparently feature "other mutants such as Gambit" (but probably not Gambit; Hood merely acknowledged that "other mutants" would appear, and that could simply refer to Sabretooth, who we already know about). Other than that, IESB was only able to confirm that Wolverine would be rated PG-13 and that Hood seems to see the X-Man's story as something out of opera or Greek mythology, which he is more familiar with than comic books. Despite my excitement as a fan of the comics and the character of Wolverine in particular. The opera/mythology stuff intrigues me, but I hope he'll at least do some research into the comic books, and I hope he's more kidding than half-kidding in his telling IESB that he's only doing the movie to pay for his twins' college tuition. Let's pray Hood wasn't right in initially telling Fox that he's the wrong guy for this.
MOVIE BUZZ
Cloverfield
The viral campaign of J.J. Abrams' monster movie was all the rage over the summer, but the latest update is just a photograph of an angry Japanese chef. If the climax of the film is that dude chopping the main creature into sushi, that could be kind of cool.
The Spirit
Frank Miller fell so much in love with the green-screen technique of Sin City that he told Eva Mendes this new film will be like "acting class" and objects will only exist if she touches them in the shot. Cool, I love mimes! I hope there's a scene where she gets trapped in a little box.
Wall-E
The cute little robot star of Pixar's next animated flick tackles the company's distinctive logo in the new trailer. Good. That bouncy little lamp needed his light knocked out years ago.
The Brood
David Cronenberg's creepy classic about a woman who sends her mutant children to kill her ex-husband is getting the remake treatment. I have the perfect casting: Britney, K-Fed and their two tykes.
Noah's Ark
Another Great Biblical Flood movie, but this time it will be from the animals' POV. That's not a bad idea. A better one? How about from the POV of the poor schlub who had to swab the deck behind all those animals?
Nightmare Academy
Screenwriter David Reynolds has been hired to write the first movie based on the first book of a trilogy about children who are trained to police bad dreams. Great, as if my nightmares about showing up at high school naked weren't bad enough, now I gotta worry about some nosy kids popping into them?
Baltimore, or the Steadfast Tin Soldier and the Vampire
Blade and Batman Begins screenwriter David Goyer is so obsessed with bats that he's going to direct an adaptation of the graphic novel about a vampire who tries to rid the world of evil. His project after this? A Count Chocula biopic.
Gatchaman and Astroboy
The two classic Japanese anime are being updated and released in the U.S. They look great, but if they're successful and inspire a Pokemon revival, then we're all doomed.
Midnight Meat Train
There's the gory trailer about a photographer who snaps pictures of a serial killer who slices up his victims on the NYC subway, then hangs the bodies up in freezers in the meat-packing district.
The Eye
The original directors of the Jessica Alba horror film have been given the boot, and the movie will get two full weeks of reshoots from director Patrick Lussier. Hey, that plan worked so well for The Invasion, so why not?
The Party
Sacha Baron Cohen is allegedly eyeing a remake of the classic Peter Sellers comedy. Although, since he already brought a bag of his own excrement to a party in Borat, I shudder at the thought at what he might do in this film.
Well, there you have it, another entry of the Phile. We're getting close to 2700 views, and I want to hit 3000 by Christmas, so tell your friends on Facespace, Myspace or Facebook. Spread the word, not the turd. Until next week, thanks for reading...
On Tuesday it was Sting’s birthday! Not only Sting’s but Kelly Ripa’s too. Sting, Kelly Ripa, both lovely, both different. One is a sexy blonde perky love machine I’d like to wake up with in the morning, and the other is Kelly Ripa. Ha! Just kidding, I am not gay. It’s Oktober Fest in Germany. Thousands of Germans marching up and down the street, singing in unison. What could possibly go wrong? Tuesday was the premier of “Cavemen.” It’s about three cavemen who share an apartment: Fred, Barney, and Fabio. There were three different typesof cavemen: the Cromagnums, the Neanderthals, and before the Neanderthals, the Baldwins. Monday was the first day American citizens are required to have a passport to get into Mexico. Previously all you needed to get into Mexico is a hankering for diarrhea. Orlando Bloom may be off the market. He was seen kanoodling with Jennifer Aniston. I think he was lured in by the faint smell of Brad Pitt. If they get together, they’re going to need a name, like “Brangelina” or “Tomcat.” “Bloomifer,” or “Orlanniston.” “Orlanniston.” I don’t think that will work. It’s like an unstable country. Microsoft announced they may buy CISCO for $10 billion. How much money is $10 billion? Well, if you take what I earn, and add about $10 billion . . . You know what else? The Sex Pistols have announced they’re reuniting for the 30th anniversary of their album. It’s their 30th anniversary. They’re album was called, “Never Mind the Bollocks.” Mind my bollocks, because I’m tripping over them right now.
THE SOAP BOX
October is finally here and everyone in America is buzzing about our favorite national pastime. No, I'm not talking about processed foods and racism. I'm talking about baseball. The Major League playoffs are here and you can feel the manufactured, insincere excitement in the air. So in the immortal words of Hank Williams Jr., ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL! Go Giants! Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon applied for -- and were granted -- a marriage license late Saturday in Las Vegas, according to the Clark County's Marriage License Bureau. Rick Salomon is best known for starring in, and selling the Paris Hilton sex tape. People wondering why Anderson would get involved with this douchebag need to remember that her last round of plastic surgery involved replacing her brain with salt water taffy. Salomon plans to release the honeymoon sex tape in IMAX format in order to display her breasts at their actual size. In sports news, the Mets suck. In political news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced Bill Johnson) recently stirred up controversy when he said there were no homosexuals in Iran. Never one to make an uninformed statement, Ahmadinejad previously had butt-sex with every man in Iran to see if any of them liked it. Turns out he was right. On behalf of America, I'm sorry we doubted you. Now go back to that sandpit you call a country, Saddam Lite.
MOST NEEDLESSLY DETAILED WIKIPEDIA ENTRIES
List of "7th Heaven"Episodes:
Basically, somebody pitched a show about a Protestant minister’s family to the WB, and that show ended up dragging on for 11 seasons and garnering a staggering 29,601-word Wikipedia entry. We’ve never seen the show, so we can’t judge, but ... No, you know what? It was probably pretty terrible. Word Count: 29,601. That's more words than The Old Man and the Sea (26,601). Can you guess how many times "7th Heaven" mentions ass? Not nearly as many times as it does “church,” I can tell you that.
DISNEY'S AMERICA
On the morning of Monday, Oct. 1, Guests and Cast Members gathered around Future World Fountain Stage and took part is a special Silver Anniversary Ceremony to commemorate Epcot's 25th anniversary. From talking about Figment to sharing stories about going around World Showcase, the audience was excited and ready to be a part of history. "There is so much energy here today," said Walt Disney World Ambassador Lowell Doringo prior to the ceremony. "Epcot is special because this is where it all began for me and to be here celebrating the 25th anniversary is amazing."
At 10:01 a.m., Walt Disney World Ambassador Michael Kelley kicked off the ceremony and welcomed everyone to the park where he first got his start. He then turned the podium over to emcee Tracy Wu. Tracy welcomed Cast Members representing Future World attractions and invited Erin Wallace, Walt Disney World senior vice president of Operations and Jim MacPhee, vice president of Epcot to the stage. The two Leaders talked about Walt Disney's vision, what makes Epcot so unique and even shared some personal memories. "I was here 25 years ago, working in the parking lot," Jim said. Moments later, Jim and Erin then welcomed Disney Legend and Walt Disney Imagineering Ambassador Marty Sklar. Marty talked about Walt's vision and shared some wise advice Walt once gave him: "You can educate people, but don't tell people you're doing it." Cast Members from Future World then left the stage and made room for Cast Members representing each of the 11 countries featured in World Showcase. Cast Members from each pavilion carried a pot of water from a river in that respective country to help recreate the dedication ceremony that took place a quarter-century ago. "Today on Oct. 1, 2007, we re-dedicate Epcot and ourselves to a new future that begins now," Marty said. With the dramatic gusts of water from the fountain behind the stage and fireworks exploding in the sky, the ceremony came to a close and Epcot officially turned 25.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
St. Petersburg televangelist Bill Keller has a message for Osama bin Laden: Convert to Christianity or face an eternity in hell. Keller flooded nearly 200 national and international Web hosting sites with a 10-minute video sermon over the weekend in hopes that it would reach bin Laden. In it, Keller, 49, calls bin Laden "a tool of Satan" who could escape the wrath of God by turning his life over to Christ and urging other Muslims to do the same. "You can become one of the greatest soul winners in human history," he said. "God could use you to deliver hundreds of thousands from the flames of hell to the glories of heaven." Keller said he chose the video format because it's bin Laden's preferred communication tool. Great. Evangelical jujitsu. Just wonderful...that'll help.
R.I.P.
Lois Maxwell, the definitive Miss Moneypenny in James Bond films: broke.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots’ uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high-five. “You know,” says one pilot to the other, “one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
NUTTED BY REALITY
Let's see ... no animals were killed in the filming of last night's episode of "Kid Nation". A few outhouses might have received considerable damage, a lot of pizzas were wasted, and they made ten-year-old Taylor cry. Oh, I think she deserved some sort of comeuppance, but I still felt sorry for her when it came. I suppose she's going to have to deal with it, eh? This week's adult interference came in the form of the "journal" advising the council members to set a curfew. I think it was good advice in the long run because, after all, the kids were getting all hyped up in sugar-crazed root beer chugging parties into the wee hours of the night. Darn it, if they're going to get high on sugar, do it in the morning when they can work it off, right? I've decided I'm hooked on this show. While I don't like the adult direction in setting everything up and the advice from the journal each week, I enjoy these kids. Well, for the most part, that is. I want to see the day they make the unwise choice of rewards for completing a showdown within the set time span. I want to see them uprise and overthrow the town council. I want a revolution, kids! Er ... maybe not a revolution, I guess. I would love to see them stand up to the authority running the show, though. But, most of all, I find it refreshing that the kids on the show often show compassion towards one another. Plus, as the old Art Linkletter show showed us -- "Kids Say the Darndest Things". This week's winners for that were Taylor saying that President Bush had to be mean because you have to be bossy to get attention, Jared screaming "It's a twister! It's a twister!" and one of the girls saying it was hard to be there when the wind blows your face off. It's hard to run a town with your face blown off by the wind, yes it is.
HEROES
"Have you seen a scary white man?" - Hiro Nakamura, time traveler. Last week I told you pretty much scene by scene what happened on "Heroes." Most of you watched it, so I don't really have to go into to much detail, so I will just review the episodes instead. No Nikki, D.L., or Micah again. I really hope they eventually comeback into the fold, but to be honest there are enough story lines going on right now to keep them on the back burner. My knees are knocking though to see the next stage of Micah's powers. Also, there has been very little love for Ando and I want to see more of him on screen. At the end of the season last year, he established his own persona and became a hero in his own right and deserves a little more face time. I had a friend that was watching the episode and screamed, "I can't take it anymore. It's too much." He was just overwhelmed and he sat down and enjoyed the rest of the episode, but he did have a point. Multi-century, multi-story line, multi-continent, multi-language ... the Heroes has a multi of multis. The big budget (the Port Au Prince shots were vibrant and eye-catching) and epic feel will only carry so far. I have faith that the writers will not reach a peak and cop out (like they did with the season finale last spring). Hopefully, they have the foresight to know their current trajectory and how to make everything tie together.
GEEK TALK
We don't have to wait two years! We only have to wait one! In case you can't tell, I'm excited to hear the solo Wolverine spin-off will be hitting theaters in 2008, rather than 2009, as we've always thought. But is it true? According to IESB, it is. The site spoke with Wolverine director Gavin Hood -- twice -- and claims the guy said Fox is pushing the thing out next summer. However, Hood is also quoted as saying production doesn't even begin until either December or January and that it would take four months to shoot. So what is it, guys, is he starting filming in just under a month, or is he starting in a few months? Either way, I'm still excited to know it's going into production soon. Wolverine, which star Hugh Jackman and Wizard magazine discussed in-depth recently, will lens in Australia and New Zealand and will apparently feature "other mutants such as Gambit" (but probably not Gambit; Hood merely acknowledged that "other mutants" would appear, and that could simply refer to Sabretooth, who we already know about). Other than that, IESB was only able to confirm that Wolverine would be rated PG-13 and that Hood seems to see the X-Man's story as something out of opera or Greek mythology, which he is more familiar with than comic books. Despite my excitement as a fan of the comics and the character of Wolverine in particular. The opera/mythology stuff intrigues me, but I hope he'll at least do some research into the comic books, and I hope he's more kidding than half-kidding in his telling IESB that he's only doing the movie to pay for his twins' college tuition. Let's pray Hood wasn't right in initially telling Fox that he's the wrong guy for this.
MOVIE BUZZ
Cloverfield
The viral campaign of J.J. Abrams' monster movie was all the rage over the summer, but the latest update is just a photograph of an angry Japanese chef. If the climax of the film is that dude chopping the main creature into sushi, that could be kind of cool.
The Spirit
Frank Miller fell so much in love with the green-screen technique of Sin City that he told Eva Mendes this new film will be like "acting class" and objects will only exist if she touches them in the shot. Cool, I love mimes! I hope there's a scene where she gets trapped in a little box.
Wall-E
The cute little robot star of Pixar's next animated flick tackles the company's distinctive logo in the new trailer. Good. That bouncy little lamp needed his light knocked out years ago.
The Brood
David Cronenberg's creepy classic about a woman who sends her mutant children to kill her ex-husband is getting the remake treatment. I have the perfect casting: Britney, K-Fed and their two tykes.
Noah's Ark
Another Great Biblical Flood movie, but this time it will be from the animals' POV. That's not a bad idea. A better one? How about from the POV of the poor schlub who had to swab the deck behind all those animals?
Nightmare Academy
Screenwriter David Reynolds has been hired to write the first movie based on the first book of a trilogy about children who are trained to police bad dreams. Great, as if my nightmares about showing up at high school naked weren't bad enough, now I gotta worry about some nosy kids popping into them?
Baltimore, or the Steadfast Tin Soldier and the Vampire
Blade and Batman Begins screenwriter David Goyer is so obsessed with bats that he's going to direct an adaptation of the graphic novel about a vampire who tries to rid the world of evil. His project after this? A Count Chocula biopic.
Gatchaman and Astroboy
The two classic Japanese anime are being updated and released in the U.S. They look great, but if they're successful and inspire a Pokemon revival, then we're all doomed.
Midnight Meat Train
There's the gory trailer about a photographer who snaps pictures of a serial killer who slices up his victims on the NYC subway, then hangs the bodies up in freezers in the meat-packing district.
The Eye
The original directors of the Jessica Alba horror film have been given the boot, and the movie will get two full weeks of reshoots from director Patrick Lussier. Hey, that plan worked so well for The Invasion, so why not?
The Party
Sacha Baron Cohen is allegedly eyeing a remake of the classic Peter Sellers comedy. Although, since he already brought a bag of his own excrement to a party in Borat, I shudder at the thought at what he might do in this film.
Well, there you have it, another entry of the Phile. We're getting close to 2700 views, and I want to hit 3000 by Christmas, so tell your friends on Facespace, Myspace or Facebook. Spread the word, not the turd. Until next week, thanks for reading...
Thursday, September 27, 2007
I Know You Don't Believe In ESP
Hello, and welcome to the most updated blog on the internet, the Peverett Phile. So, last weekend I went and got my third tattoo. I know, 38 years no getting any, and three in a month. I am defintely going through my mid-life crisis. Tomorrow is the start of Epcot's International Food & Wine Festival, or as I like to call it, Porkies In the Park. Speaking of Epcot, Monday is Epcot's 25th anniversary. When I just started there, Epcot was celebrating it's fifth
anniversary. To celebrate, they are painting the big ball, Spaceship Earth, silver. Phil Spector got a mistrial. The jury was spilt 10-2. Ten were in favor of conviction, two were in favor of bringing back the afro wig. That tyrant Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finally went home. He was hilarious. He topped himself by saying if anyone knows of homosexuals living in Iran, he would like their names and addresses. Here’s what we should do: write down your funniest gay name — Ben Dover, Pat MCGroin, Ryan Seacrest . . . and we’ll send it to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. We have a phone number we can include along with his address: 555 FIND GAY. On “Dancing With the Stars,” Josie Maran got the bedazzled boot. It happened so fast — one bad night of dancing and it’s all over. Like Britney Spears. Even worse news for her partner, who is being shipped back home to his home country in a container ship. Paris Hilton has not forgotten the charity work she promised. She says she is going on a humanitarian mission to Rwanda. She is getting her inoculations right now, and actually, the Rwandans are getting their inoculations too. Poor Kiefer Sutherland. He was arrested on DUI charges. He used the Lindsay Lohan defense: It was someone else’s alcohol in his blood. "Halo 3" came out Tuesday. It’s an online video game, which means while you’re playing, you get to meet other Halo fans from all over the world and kill them. The White House has announced that during his last year in office, President Bush is going to visit more countries than any other year in his presidency. Bush said he will accomplish this all in one weekend by going to Epcot for its 25th. This entry of the Phile is sponsored by Ultimate Fighting Championship: Like cheese but with hemorrhages.
DISNEY'S AMERICA
Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment has just communicated that the direct-to-DVD title of The Little Mermaid 3, tentatively titled The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning, is now scheduled to release in early August 2008 in North America and August/September 2008 for non-English speaking territories. And Narnia fans will have to wait an extra year to see the third film in the fantasy franchise because of a delay in the start of production. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader was originally set for release May 1, 2009; it is now scheduled for May 7, 2010. Production will begin next summer, instead of January. Distributor Walt Disney Co. and producer Walden Media blamed the delay on "the challenging schedules for our young actors." Michael Apted is shooting the film. The second film in the franchise, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, is scheduled to open May 16. Caspian originally was set for release in December, but the companies postponed its release by five months after Sony decided to release The Water Horse, in which Walden is also involved, that month.
R.I.P.
Marcel Marceau: Now he'll really be trapped in a box.
Alice Ghostley: And now she as ghostly as one can get.
Harmonica Player Gary Primich: Let's remember to Hohner his memory.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
An Azalea Middle School teacher could be fired after an internal investigation revealed he used his school computer to access pornographic Web sites and communicated inappropriately with female students, a document says. According to a document written by the attorney for Pinellas County schools, Jason Williams sent an instant message to a female student explaining how she could visit him during the school day by forging his name on a hall pass. In another instant message, Williams and the student discussed meeting at a local mall, the document says. Williams said in an interview that he used his school computer to access pornographic Web sites and send instant messages to students, the document says. He also said he often spoke to a particular student online because he felt she needed the support of a 'father figure' after the suicide of a fellow student, according to the document. Williams denied that his online conversations with the students were inappropriate, the document says. Schools Superintendent Clayton Wilcox wanted Williams fired, the school district says, but Williams is requesting an administrative hearing, which he is entitled to. That means the judge presiding at the hearing has to issue a recommendation before the school board can take any action, schools spokeswoman Andrea Zahn said. The school board will be asked at its regularly scheduled meeting Tuesday whether to suspend Williams until the administrative hearing process is completed.
ASK PEVERETT
Q: Dear Peverett, If someone were to run away and never come back, how far away would they be? A: Pretty far away according to my calculations.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1854
The wooden steamship Arctic sinks in foggy weather after colliding with the iron bow of the Vesta. When Captain Luce orders women and children into the lifeboats, the crewmen rebel and take the boats for themselves. Of 435 on board, only 85 survive -- and none of them women or children. It is the first major ocean liner disaster in the Atlantic.
1934
Wilford Brimley's birthday! Soon his name will fall under R.I.P.
1959
Typhoon Vera, otherwise known as the Isewan Typhoon, kills 4,464 people on the Japanese island of Honshu and injures 40,000 more. 1.5 million are made homeless.
1964
The Warren Commission Report is finally released, definitively proving once and for all that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald, without anyone's help. Case closed.
1967
Seventeen people are killed in Tijuana, most of them children, when the neurotoxic insecticide methyl parathion is accidentally mixed into bread. Over three hundred others required medical treatment.
1996
The Taliban takes Kabul.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Two men on a hunting trip are bragging about their dogs. “My dog’s really clever,” says one guy. “Watch this: ‘Bring me a beer.’” The dog runs to the cooler and returns with a beer. “That’s nothing,” says the other guy. “Watch this: ‘Make me breakfast.’” His dog runs to the lake to get water, makes a fire, brews some coffee, and hardboils an egg. He then sets everything before his master and does a headstand. “That’s amazing!” says the other man. “But why is he standing on his head?” “Because I don’t have an egg cup.”
A Chinese man comes home late one night from a bar and goes upstairs to his bedroom, where his wife is sleeping. He wakes her up and asks, “Honey, how about a little 69?” His wife replies angrily, “You come home, middle of the night, and you want me to go downstairs and make you Mongolian beef with mushrooms?!?”
MOST NEEDLESSLY DETAILED WIKIPEDIA ENTRIES
List of Ancient Jedi: This is a comprehensive list of Jedi that, oddly enough, have never actually appeared in a Star Wars movie. Instead, the list includes any and every Jedi who was referenced, even in passing, in every Star Wars book, comic or video game. Right now, if you make up a Jedi and draw a picture of him on a napkin, you can bet your ass he’ll end up on this list by tomorrow with a full backstory and list of allergies. Word Count: 24,801. That's more words than Oedipus Rex (15,636).
NUTTED BY REALITY
It's a bit of an odd twist to the Shakespeare quote, but certainly fitting for this episode of "Kid Nation", don't you think? For some reason, I'm not too surprised that 11-year-old Jared has a slight familiarity with the classics. In the first episode, Jared was the king of the one-liners. It's a shame he didn't continue ... Okay, it's the second episode and I'm intrigued. Oh, it's not living up to all of the child labor hype as far as I'm concerned. And, I'm sure some folks will have issues with what was shown last night in the chicken slaughter segment. But it happens. The children once again were directed by the mysterious (cough) journal from 1885. I won't even touch on how silly that part of the show is, but it put the idea in their heads that they needed meat and have 18 chickens in Bonanza City. I can't help but wonder what the children would have done if they were actually left to their own devices without adult intervention. We'll never know. They put the issue to a town vote. Valid arguments were made on both sides of the issue. In the end, it seemed like most of the kids really wanted the meat because their canned food is tasteless and boring. They want the protein, too. However, most don't want to kill the chickens. They just want to eat them. I think I'm going to have to eat a bucket of KFC in honor of the kids on the show. I'll be watching again next week, will you?
HEROES
Usually, when a series returns from a long season break, it takes me a little while to get back into the spirit of the show. That didn't seem to be the case with tonight's season premiere of "Heroes". After the brief narration by Mohinder, which took place over a montage of the characters past actions and current whereabouts, I was completely acclimated back into the world of "Heroes". It was like it never left, and I consider that a testament to the quality of the show and its well fleshed out story and characters. Before we get into things, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that tonight's TV reviewcap is in no way, shape, or form brought to you by Nissan or its hideous little Rogue. Thank you. An absolute ton of stuff happened this episode and in rapid fire succession, so you'll have to pardon the rapid fire style of the recap. As the season progresses, and we actually start having some real commercial breaks and longer sequences, the format will adjust accordingly. The show began with Mohinder giving a lecture to a nearly empty auditorium speaking on the evolved humans he's encountered, and the plague that is threatening their existence. He points out that the fate of humanity hinges on these special individuals as the powers they possess, such as regeneration, could be very beneficial to mankind. Mohinder is ostensibly seeking out funding to help cure the disease. We're introduced to a bespectacled man that tells Mohinder his father's book was found at the library in the parapsychology section between hypnosis and alien abduction. He's basically telling Mohinder that no one believes in his "special people". Mohinder is no fool and realizes that the guy in glasses has been present at his last three seminars. The guy ultimately offers Mohinder a job that will allow him to find a cure for the plague. Mohinder appeared to be noncommittal but agreed to let the bespectacled fellow buy him a drink. We were immediately introduced to two new characters by the name of Maya & Alejandro, and they found themselves running from the popos. These two characters, one or both of which will exhibit some powers in the near future, are trying to make their way to America. They are both wanted for murder as indicated by a wanted poster. Claire, Noah, and family have apparently joined the "Hero Protection Program" and have now taken up residence in sunny California. Claire is about to attend her first day of school and father Bennett is encouraging her to keep an extremely low profile. Of course, he immediately gives her a new vehicle. Anyone want to guess the make and model of this vehicle? As Claire makes her way into the building, she's nearly run over by her potential lover who we later learn is named West. I immediately yelled to my TV, "Get away while you can West! All her friends eventually die!" It didn't do any good. We cut to Hiro in a field in the midst of an all out Shogun battle set in 1671 Japan. Hiro looks up and watches the moon pass before the sun as a swarm of arrows head towards his face. The day is turned to night (by the eclipse – not by the arrows 300 fans), and he freezes time just before three arrows are about to pierce his skull. He looked up to Takezo Kensei (the guy whose sword he kept looking for last season), realizes a few arrows are about to pierce his skin too, and teleports both of them to safety. The episode is whizzing along at this point making it pretty difficult for me to keep up. We now come to Parkman, the least menacing looking NYPD officer ever to have the job. It looks like he's in the middle of some crazy drug bust because he barges into an apartment and is capping people like its crack dealer season and he's the only one with a hunting permit. As it turns out, this was just an NYPD drill. It was fun watching Parkman utilizes his gift for reading people's minds when he had to choose between shooting a perp and the perp's hostage. At this point we discover that Parkman has made detective, effectively making him the least menacing looking detective ever to have the job. Sorry Parkman, but I'll always see you as the clumsy oaf on Felicity that tried to create a new condiment. It's nothing personal. Claire is doing the exact opposite of what her dad requested, and is baking her hand over an active Bunsen burner flame. In a not so unexpected twist, West ends up being her lab partner. What a convenient coincidence! West asks Claire if she's a robot or an alien. Robots do what they're told. Aliens do their own thing. Claire fails to answer the question. We find ourselves with the wonder twins once again, only they're not trying to activate any powers. Instead, they're trying to negotiate a covert trip into The United States. The shady human smuggler they're dealing with tells them that it will cost 10,000 Lempiras to get them 600 miles from the US border. A quick Google search showed that Lempiras are the currency in Honduras. Of course, these people smugglers were not to be trusted and later in the episode, tried to raise the price up to 20,000 Lempiras. Alejandro ended up getting the poop kicked out of him, and the smugglers took off with his sister Maya. When Alejandro eventually caught up with he vehicle, he found everyone in the truck dead with blood streaming from their eyes, nose, ears, and mouth. Maya is the only one left alive and obviously used some power to kill everyone. I can't quite tell what her power is, but I'm guessing she has the ability to give everyone in a 20 feet radius the Ebola Virus. We didn't get to learn a great deal about Molly last season aside from the fact that her parents were killed, and that she's got a built in Hero locator for a brain. I thought she was a good new character, particularly one that could relate to Micah, and I'm glad she's going to have a bigger role this season. Apparently, Parkman is divorced and had adopted and/or is looking after Molly. Molly's teacher informs Parkman that Molly is drawing disturbing pictures in class that usually have a big pair of ominous eyes on them and what looks to be a kid (presumably Molly) confined in a box. Creepy. A bit later in the episode we get to see Molly in the middle of a recurring nightmare where we distinctly hear a voice say, "I can see you.' Was this the voice of Sylar? Was this the voice of the Bogeyman? Only time will tell. Umm, I'm going to go ahead and guess that Nathan Petrelli never took office. We got to see him around halfway into the episode and he looked a little bit like a drunk Grizzly Adams. Nathan is obviously taking the apparent death of his brother extremely hard, and Angela Petrelli, who was also in his apartment, tells him that he needs to accept the fact that Peter is dead and move on. After Nathan rudely kicks his mom out ofthe apartment, she finds a picture of herself in the hallway with a red squiggly mark across her face. This is the same mark that Kaito Nakamura (Hiro's dad) ended up finding on a photo of him that fell out of a newspaper Ando gave him, as the two of them were discussing Hiro's whereabouts. Of note, Kaito mentioned that he always thought Hiro was a bit of a loser until he started his question. I'm paraphrasing. This mark signifies that they will be dead within 24 hours. Later still, we found ourselves back with Mohinder who was eating lunch with the dorky glasses guy. He's attempting to sell Mohinder on his company that tries to get the special people to use their powers for the good of mankind – which sometimes means they get killed. It was right around this point that I realized this is the same organization that HRG (Noah Bennett) used to work for. Also, the dorky glasses guy can turn metal into gold and displayed this talent to Mohinder. After an extremely awkward dinner in the Bennett household, Noah fields a call from Monhinder that lets us know that Mohinder and Noah have been baiting the corporation with using Mohinder's speaking engagements and it's all being done in an effort to bring the evil corporation to its knees. Somehow, I think the corporation knows that they're being baited and are willingly going along with, though I'm not quite sure of their purpose yet. A few more points of interest before my hands fall off from typing all of this. My favorite sequence of the night involved Claire attempting to stick up for one of the clumsier kids named Martha during gym class. The snooty head cheerleader (what's the deal with Claire and head cheerleaders not getting along?) was poking fun at Martha, and ended up challenging Claire to do a back tuck off a tower. Claire climbed up the tower but at the last second heeded her dads "don't make a spectacle of yourself" advice. A bit later Claire ended up practicing a back tuck off the tower and cracks her ankle. She quickly healed moments before West barged into the gym to check up on her. Oh yeah. West is also a stalker and has special powers as witnessed when he was hovering creepily next to Claire's window that night. Creepier. My second favorite set of events was when Hiro realized that his hero, Kensei, was not the legendary Japanese character from the stories his dad used to read him – but was really a cowardly British guy who would do practically anything for money. How funny was it watching Kenseipunch Hiro in the face? Finally, we're at the part of the show I liked the least. Kaito was on top of the building where everything seems to happen (you know which building I'm talking about) and Ando was about to deliver the sword he promised to get him earlier in the episode. A hooded figure came out of the darkness and Kaito says something to the effect of, "Out of everyone, I never expected it would be you." The figure rushed Kaito and much to my and Ando's dismay, pushed him off the edge of the building. Ando looked over the buildings edge and saw Kaito's bloody carcass splattered on the ground. Barring some miracle, that's all we're going to see of Hiro's dad - at least until Origins anyway. Who was the hooded figure? Judging from Kaito and Angela's conversation, it's someone from the inner circle of old school heroes. Guess we'll find out for sure in the coming weeks. At the end of the show we got to meet Blackie, an Irish guy with the least believable Irish accent imaginable. "The Black Donnelly" actors are out of work. Were none of them were available? Anyhow, Blackie and his crew opened up a shipping container on a pier and found Peter Petrelli chained up in a corner. The strange part? Peter can shoot lightning out of his hand and has a case of amnesia that would put Guy Pierce's character in Memento to shame. It was an excellent, content filled episode that got me right back into the swing of things, and hurt my head in the process. I cannot wait to see what happens next Tuesday. No signs of Nikki, Jessica, D.L., and Micah this episode, but we're sure to see them in the coming weeks. It's starting to get a little crowded in the Heroes universe. I hope the producers don't find the need to do some indiscriminate character purging... Did I forget anything? Have anything to add? Sound off in the comments.
MOVIE BUZZ
Justice League of America
Jessica Biel is negotiating to play Wonder Woman. I'd rather her play The Flash, if you know what I mean.
The Simpsons 2
OK, it's not exactly a sequel, but the show's season premiere opening followed up on events from the summer movie. It mostly featured Bart Simpson skateboarding through a devastated Springfield. Thank God they gave the poor kid his clothes back.
Transformers 2
Paramount has set a release date for the sequel, and it's quite a ways off: June 26, 2009. At least now they have enough time to come up with an ending that actually makes sense.
Hotel Chevalier
Natalie Portman is nude in a new short film by Wes Anderson, and you can get it for free starting today at iTunes. Like thousands of other guys, I plan on downloading it. Wonder how many other guys are going to call in sick to work tomorrow due to headaches and eyestrain.
The Dark Knight
Michael Caine dropped a semi-spoiler in an interview discussing an intense scene in which Heath Ledger as the Joker "had to come up in a lift and raid our place," which presumably means Wayne Manor. Darn it, now they're going to have to can Caine just like that extra who leaked Indy 4 secrets.
Paul
Simon Pegg and Nick Frost of Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead are teaming for another comedy about two British geeks on a road trip across America. The driving-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-road gags are already writing themselves …
Ta-da! There you go, phans, another entry of the Phile. I'm not planning on getting a tattoo this weekend, but you never know. I hope to be posting pics of my tats on the Phile's Myspace page soon. In the meantime, I still hope to hit 3000 views by Christmas, so...spread the word, not the turd. And thanks for reading.
anniversary. To celebrate, they are painting the big ball, Spaceship Earth, silver. Phil Spector got a mistrial. The jury was spilt 10-2. Ten were in favor of conviction, two were in favor of bringing back the afro wig. That tyrant Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finally went home. He was hilarious. He topped himself by saying if anyone knows of homosexuals living in Iran, he would like their names and addresses. Here’s what we should do: write down your funniest gay name — Ben Dover, Pat MCGroin, Ryan Seacrest . . . and we’ll send it to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. We have a phone number we can include along with his address: 555 FIND GAY. On “Dancing With the Stars,” Josie Maran got the bedazzled boot. It happened so fast — one bad night of dancing and it’s all over. Like Britney Spears. Even worse news for her partner, who is being shipped back home to his home country in a container ship. Paris Hilton has not forgotten the charity work she promised. She says she is going on a humanitarian mission to Rwanda. She is getting her inoculations right now, and actually, the Rwandans are getting their inoculations too. Poor Kiefer Sutherland. He was arrested on DUI charges. He used the Lindsay Lohan defense: It was someone else’s alcohol in his blood. "Halo 3" came out Tuesday. It’s an online video game, which means while you’re playing, you get to meet other Halo fans from all over the world and kill them. The White House has announced that during his last year in office, President Bush is going to visit more countries than any other year in his presidency. Bush said he will accomplish this all in one weekend by going to Epcot for its 25th. This entry of the Phile is sponsored by Ultimate Fighting Championship: Like cheese but with hemorrhages.
DISNEY'S AMERICA
Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment has just communicated that the direct-to-DVD title of The Little Mermaid 3, tentatively titled The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning, is now scheduled to release in early August 2008 in North America and August/September 2008 for non-English speaking territories. And Narnia fans will have to wait an extra year to see the third film in the fantasy franchise because of a delay in the start of production. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader was originally set for release May 1, 2009; it is now scheduled for May 7, 2010. Production will begin next summer, instead of January. Distributor Walt Disney Co. and producer Walden Media blamed the delay on "the challenging schedules for our young actors." Michael Apted is shooting the film. The second film in the franchise, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, is scheduled to open May 16. Caspian originally was set for release in December, but the companies postponed its release by five months after Sony decided to release The Water Horse, in which Walden is also involved, that month.
R.I.P.
Marcel Marceau: Now he'll really be trapped in a box.
Alice Ghostley: And now she as ghostly as one can get.
Harmonica Player Gary Primich: Let's remember to Hohner his memory.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
An Azalea Middle School teacher could be fired after an internal investigation revealed he used his school computer to access pornographic Web sites and communicated inappropriately with female students, a document says. According to a document written by the attorney for Pinellas County schools, Jason Williams sent an instant message to a female student explaining how she could visit him during the school day by forging his name on a hall pass. In another instant message, Williams and the student discussed meeting at a local mall, the document says. Williams said in an interview that he used his school computer to access pornographic Web sites and send instant messages to students, the document says. He also said he often spoke to a particular student online because he felt she needed the support of a 'father figure' after the suicide of a fellow student, according to the document. Williams denied that his online conversations with the students were inappropriate, the document says. Schools Superintendent Clayton Wilcox wanted Williams fired, the school district says, but Williams is requesting an administrative hearing, which he is entitled to. That means the judge presiding at the hearing has to issue a recommendation before the school board can take any action, schools spokeswoman Andrea Zahn said. The school board will be asked at its regularly scheduled meeting Tuesday whether to suspend Williams until the administrative hearing process is completed.
ASK PEVERETT
Q: Dear Peverett, If someone were to run away and never come back, how far away would they be? A: Pretty far away according to my calculations.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1854
The wooden steamship Arctic sinks in foggy weather after colliding with the iron bow of the Vesta. When Captain Luce orders women and children into the lifeboats, the crewmen rebel and take the boats for themselves. Of 435 on board, only 85 survive -- and none of them women or children. It is the first major ocean liner disaster in the Atlantic.
1934
Wilford Brimley's birthday! Soon his name will fall under R.I.P.
1959
Typhoon Vera, otherwise known as the Isewan Typhoon, kills 4,464 people on the Japanese island of Honshu and injures 40,000 more. 1.5 million are made homeless.
1964
The Warren Commission Report is finally released, definitively proving once and for all that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald, without anyone's help. Case closed.
1967
Seventeen people are killed in Tijuana, most of them children, when the neurotoxic insecticide methyl parathion is accidentally mixed into bread. Over three hundred others required medical treatment.
1996
The Taliban takes Kabul.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Two men on a hunting trip are bragging about their dogs. “My dog’s really clever,” says one guy. “Watch this: ‘Bring me a beer.’” The dog runs to the cooler and returns with a beer. “That’s nothing,” says the other guy. “Watch this: ‘Make me breakfast.’” His dog runs to the lake to get water, makes a fire, brews some coffee, and hardboils an egg. He then sets everything before his master and does a headstand. “That’s amazing!” says the other man. “But why is he standing on his head?” “Because I don’t have an egg cup.”
A Chinese man comes home late one night from a bar and goes upstairs to his bedroom, where his wife is sleeping. He wakes her up and asks, “Honey, how about a little 69?” His wife replies angrily, “You come home, middle of the night, and you want me to go downstairs and make you Mongolian beef with mushrooms?!?”
MOST NEEDLESSLY DETAILED WIKIPEDIA ENTRIES
List of Ancient Jedi: This is a comprehensive list of Jedi that, oddly enough, have never actually appeared in a Star Wars movie. Instead, the list includes any and every Jedi who was referenced, even in passing, in every Star Wars book, comic or video game. Right now, if you make up a Jedi and draw a picture of him on a napkin, you can bet your ass he’ll end up on this list by tomorrow with a full backstory and list of allergies. Word Count: 24,801. That's more words than Oedipus Rex (15,636).
NUTTED BY REALITY
It's a bit of an odd twist to the Shakespeare quote, but certainly fitting for this episode of "Kid Nation", don't you think? For some reason, I'm not too surprised that 11-year-old Jared has a slight familiarity with the classics. In the first episode, Jared was the king of the one-liners. It's a shame he didn't continue ... Okay, it's the second episode and I'm intrigued. Oh, it's not living up to all of the child labor hype as far as I'm concerned. And, I'm sure some folks will have issues with what was shown last night in the chicken slaughter segment. But it happens. The children once again were directed by the mysterious (cough) journal from 1885. I won't even touch on how silly that part of the show is, but it put the idea in their heads that they needed meat and have 18 chickens in Bonanza City. I can't help but wonder what the children would have done if they were actually left to their own devices without adult intervention. We'll never know. They put the issue to a town vote. Valid arguments were made on both sides of the issue. In the end, it seemed like most of the kids really wanted the meat because their canned food is tasteless and boring. They want the protein, too. However, most don't want to kill the chickens. They just want to eat them. I think I'm going to have to eat a bucket of KFC in honor of the kids on the show. I'll be watching again next week, will you?
HEROES
Usually, when a series returns from a long season break, it takes me a little while to get back into the spirit of the show. That didn't seem to be the case with tonight's season premiere of "Heroes". After the brief narration by Mohinder, which took place over a montage of the characters past actions and current whereabouts, I was completely acclimated back into the world of "Heroes". It was like it never left, and I consider that a testament to the quality of the show and its well fleshed out story and characters. Before we get into things, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that tonight's TV reviewcap is in no way, shape, or form brought to you by Nissan or its hideous little Rogue. Thank you. An absolute ton of stuff happened this episode and in rapid fire succession, so you'll have to pardon the rapid fire style of the recap. As the season progresses, and we actually start having some real commercial breaks and longer sequences, the format will adjust accordingly. The show began with Mohinder giving a lecture to a nearly empty auditorium speaking on the evolved humans he's encountered, and the plague that is threatening their existence. He points out that the fate of humanity hinges on these special individuals as the powers they possess, such as regeneration, could be very beneficial to mankind. Mohinder is ostensibly seeking out funding to help cure the disease. We're introduced to a bespectacled man that tells Mohinder his father's book was found at the library in the parapsychology section between hypnosis and alien abduction. He's basically telling Mohinder that no one believes in his "special people". Mohinder is no fool and realizes that the guy in glasses has been present at his last three seminars. The guy ultimately offers Mohinder a job that will allow him to find a cure for the plague. Mohinder appeared to be noncommittal but agreed to let the bespectacled fellow buy him a drink. We were immediately introduced to two new characters by the name of Maya & Alejandro, and they found themselves running from the popos. These two characters, one or both of which will exhibit some powers in the near future, are trying to make their way to America. They are both wanted for murder as indicated by a wanted poster. Claire, Noah, and family have apparently joined the "Hero Protection Program" and have now taken up residence in sunny California. Claire is about to attend her first day of school and father Bennett is encouraging her to keep an extremely low profile. Of course, he immediately gives her a new vehicle. Anyone want to guess the make and model of this vehicle? As Claire makes her way into the building, she's nearly run over by her potential lover who we later learn is named West. I immediately yelled to my TV, "Get away while you can West! All her friends eventually die!" It didn't do any good. We cut to Hiro in a field in the midst of an all out Shogun battle set in 1671 Japan. Hiro looks up and watches the moon pass before the sun as a swarm of arrows head towards his face. The day is turned to night (by the eclipse – not by the arrows 300 fans), and he freezes time just before three arrows are about to pierce his skull. He looked up to Takezo Kensei (the guy whose sword he kept looking for last season), realizes a few arrows are about to pierce his skin too, and teleports both of them to safety. The episode is whizzing along at this point making it pretty difficult for me to keep up. We now come to Parkman, the least menacing looking NYPD officer ever to have the job. It looks like he's in the middle of some crazy drug bust because he barges into an apartment and is capping people like its crack dealer season and he's the only one with a hunting permit. As it turns out, this was just an NYPD drill. It was fun watching Parkman utilizes his gift for reading people's minds when he had to choose between shooting a perp and the perp's hostage. At this point we discover that Parkman has made detective, effectively making him the least menacing looking detective ever to have the job. Sorry Parkman, but I'll always see you as the clumsy oaf on Felicity that tried to create a new condiment. It's nothing personal. Claire is doing the exact opposite of what her dad requested, and is baking her hand over an active Bunsen burner flame. In a not so unexpected twist, West ends up being her lab partner. What a convenient coincidence! West asks Claire if she's a robot or an alien. Robots do what they're told. Aliens do their own thing. Claire fails to answer the question. We find ourselves with the wonder twins once again, only they're not trying to activate any powers. Instead, they're trying to negotiate a covert trip into The United States. The shady human smuggler they're dealing with tells them that it will cost 10,000 Lempiras to get them 600 miles from the US border. A quick Google search showed that Lempiras are the currency in Honduras. Of course, these people smugglers were not to be trusted and later in the episode, tried to raise the price up to 20,000 Lempiras. Alejandro ended up getting the poop kicked out of him, and the smugglers took off with his sister Maya. When Alejandro eventually caught up with he vehicle, he found everyone in the truck dead with blood streaming from their eyes, nose, ears, and mouth. Maya is the only one left alive and obviously used some power to kill everyone. I can't quite tell what her power is, but I'm guessing she has the ability to give everyone in a 20 feet radius the Ebola Virus. We didn't get to learn a great deal about Molly last season aside from the fact that her parents were killed, and that she's got a built in Hero locator for a brain. I thought she was a good new character, particularly one that could relate to Micah, and I'm glad she's going to have a bigger role this season. Apparently, Parkman is divorced and had adopted and/or is looking after Molly. Molly's teacher informs Parkman that Molly is drawing disturbing pictures in class that usually have a big pair of ominous eyes on them and what looks to be a kid (presumably Molly) confined in a box. Creepy. A bit later in the episode we get to see Molly in the middle of a recurring nightmare where we distinctly hear a voice say, "I can see you.' Was this the voice of Sylar? Was this the voice of the Bogeyman? Only time will tell. Umm, I'm going to go ahead and guess that Nathan Petrelli never took office. We got to see him around halfway into the episode and he looked a little bit like a drunk Grizzly Adams. Nathan is obviously taking the apparent death of his brother extremely hard, and Angela Petrelli, who was also in his apartment, tells him that he needs to accept the fact that Peter is dead and move on. After Nathan rudely kicks his mom out ofthe apartment, she finds a picture of herself in the hallway with a red squiggly mark across her face. This is the same mark that Kaito Nakamura (Hiro's dad) ended up finding on a photo of him that fell out of a newspaper Ando gave him, as the two of them were discussing Hiro's whereabouts. Of note, Kaito mentioned that he always thought Hiro was a bit of a loser until he started his question. I'm paraphrasing. This mark signifies that they will be dead within 24 hours. Later still, we found ourselves back with Mohinder who was eating lunch with the dorky glasses guy. He's attempting to sell Mohinder on his company that tries to get the special people to use their powers for the good of mankind – which sometimes means they get killed. It was right around this point that I realized this is the same organization that HRG (Noah Bennett) used to work for. Also, the dorky glasses guy can turn metal into gold and displayed this talent to Mohinder. After an extremely awkward dinner in the Bennett household, Noah fields a call from Monhinder that lets us know that Mohinder and Noah have been baiting the corporation with using Mohinder's speaking engagements and it's all being done in an effort to bring the evil corporation to its knees. Somehow, I think the corporation knows that they're being baited and are willingly going along with, though I'm not quite sure of their purpose yet. A few more points of interest before my hands fall off from typing all of this. My favorite sequence of the night involved Claire attempting to stick up for one of the clumsier kids named Martha during gym class. The snooty head cheerleader (what's the deal with Claire and head cheerleaders not getting along?) was poking fun at Martha, and ended up challenging Claire to do a back tuck off a tower. Claire climbed up the tower but at the last second heeded her dads "don't make a spectacle of yourself" advice. A bit later Claire ended up practicing a back tuck off the tower and cracks her ankle. She quickly healed moments before West barged into the gym to check up on her. Oh yeah. West is also a stalker and has special powers as witnessed when he was hovering creepily next to Claire's window that night. Creepier. My second favorite set of events was when Hiro realized that his hero, Kensei, was not the legendary Japanese character from the stories his dad used to read him – but was really a cowardly British guy who would do practically anything for money. How funny was it watching Kenseipunch Hiro in the face? Finally, we're at the part of the show I liked the least. Kaito was on top of the building where everything seems to happen (you know which building I'm talking about) and Ando was about to deliver the sword he promised to get him earlier in the episode. A hooded figure came out of the darkness and Kaito says something to the effect of, "Out of everyone, I never expected it would be you." The figure rushed Kaito and much to my and Ando's dismay, pushed him off the edge of the building. Ando looked over the buildings edge and saw Kaito's bloody carcass splattered on the ground. Barring some miracle, that's all we're going to see of Hiro's dad - at least until Origins anyway. Who was the hooded figure? Judging from Kaito and Angela's conversation, it's someone from the inner circle of old school heroes. Guess we'll find out for sure in the coming weeks. At the end of the show we got to meet Blackie, an Irish guy with the least believable Irish accent imaginable. "The Black Donnelly" actors are out of work. Were none of them were available? Anyhow, Blackie and his crew opened up a shipping container on a pier and found Peter Petrelli chained up in a corner. The strange part? Peter can shoot lightning out of his hand and has a case of amnesia that would put Guy Pierce's character in Memento to shame. It was an excellent, content filled episode that got me right back into the swing of things, and hurt my head in the process. I cannot wait to see what happens next Tuesday. No signs of Nikki, Jessica, D.L., and Micah this episode, but we're sure to see them in the coming weeks. It's starting to get a little crowded in the Heroes universe. I hope the producers don't find the need to do some indiscriminate character purging... Did I forget anything? Have anything to add? Sound off in the comments.
MOVIE BUZZ
Justice League of America
Jessica Biel is negotiating to play Wonder Woman. I'd rather her play The Flash, if you know what I mean.
The Simpsons 2
OK, it's not exactly a sequel, but the show's season premiere opening followed up on events from the summer movie. It mostly featured Bart Simpson skateboarding through a devastated Springfield. Thank God they gave the poor kid his clothes back.
Transformers 2
Paramount has set a release date for the sequel, and it's quite a ways off: June 26, 2009. At least now they have enough time to come up with an ending that actually makes sense.
Hotel Chevalier
Natalie Portman is nude in a new short film by Wes Anderson, and you can get it for free starting today at iTunes. Like thousands of other guys, I plan on downloading it. Wonder how many other guys are going to call in sick to work tomorrow due to headaches and eyestrain.
The Dark Knight
Michael Caine dropped a semi-spoiler in an interview discussing an intense scene in which Heath Ledger as the Joker "had to come up in a lift and raid our place," which presumably means Wayne Manor. Darn it, now they're going to have to can Caine just like that extra who leaked Indy 4 secrets.
Paul
Simon Pegg and Nick Frost of Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead are teaming for another comedy about two British geeks on a road trip across America. The driving-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-road gags are already writing themselves …
Ta-da! There you go, phans, another entry of the Phile. I'm not planning on getting a tattoo this weekend, but you never know. I hope to be posting pics of my tats on the Phile's Myspace page soon. In the meantime, I still hope to hit 3000 views by Christmas, so...spread the word, not the turd. And thanks for reading.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Pev Nation
Hello, and welcome to the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog, coming at you from rain drenched Groveland, Florida. Yesterday O.J. Simpson was charged. Seven felonies. Seven felonies! He said if he knew how much trouble he was going to get into, he would have just murdered the guy. A lot of O.J. to cover. In case you didn’t hear, O.J. is back on the loose. He was released on $125,000 bail. He could get life in prison for all this. Kill two people, you get nothing. But steal your own football jersey — you go away for life. The Phil Spector trial is also a mess. The jury is split 7-5. Seven like the blonde wig, five like his afro. Not such a great week for that student who was Tasered at the John Kerry speech in Florida. If you’ve ever heard John Kerry speak, being Tasered is a bit less painful. “I can still hear him! Taser me again, bro!” Britney Spears has some troubles of her own. She’s been dropped by her manager and dropped by her lawyer. She’s been dropped now almost as much as her children. All she has left now are her dogs and a swimming pool filled with YooHoo. And, man, would I love to see her in that! Here’s a real story today. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control says that people in the restroom wash their hands less than they used to. And I’m thinking, “How did they get this information?” What did they do? Discreetly watch as people wash their hands? “Please carry on. I’m with Disease Control.” Discreetly watched in the bathroom? You gotta be careful — there have been senators arrested for less than that. Former Mexican President Vincente Fox has a new book coming out. In it, he says President Bush is the cockiest guy he’s ever met. Apparently, the first time they met, Bush kept insisting on meeting the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Fox also said Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, he speaks grade school English as well, so . . . The Emmy Awards were Sunday night. The buzz was all about who was gorgeous and the designer gowns . . . but enough about Ryan Seacrest. Al Gore won an Emmy! That means his wife gets to go home with two heavy statues. Monday was National Citizenship Day. It’s is especially exciting for me because I’m still not a citizen. So I don’t get to go to the big Citizenship parties in Orlando. Couldn’t they just give me someone else’s citizenship? What about O.J. Simpson’s citizenship? You know what? I don’t want his . . . he’s already used his “Get Out of Jail Free” card. The organizers of the 2012 London Olympics announced this week that they’re installing extra wide seats in their stadiums to accommodate really big British asses. It’s true! Apparently they’ve got really big asses in Britain: Simon Cowell. Lamborghini announced they’ve sold out of their new car, the Revington. This is a car that costs $1.4 million. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just tell everyone you’ve got a really small wiener? The world air guitar championships were held in Finland. The winner celebrated by going back to his hotel and having sex with imaginary groupies. I’d like to say that I’ve never done that myself. I’d like to say that . . . By the way this entry of the Phile is brought to you by Fisher-Price: We keep 'em busy so you can sneak in a quickie!
WHAT I LEARNED IN NASHVILLE
Country music is an art form built on heartbreak, faith, inebriation, and often the love of one's dog or pick-up truck. But even though they often write sad songs, country music songwriters have a great sense of humor. What follow are some of my favorite country music song titles, ya'll.
All I Want From You Is Away
You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like Having You Here
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
If You Can't Be Good, Be Bad With Me
Bubba Shot the Jukebox
Are You Drinkin' With Me, Jesus?
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I'm Under the Table Over You
Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?
I'm Gonna Put a Bar in the Back of My Car and Drive Myself to Drink
Welcome to Dumpsville, Population Me
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be a Quart Low
Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed
If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It
My Phone Ain't Been Ringing, So I Guess it Wasn't You
I've Been Roped and Throwed By Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral
I Bought the Shoes That Just Walked Out on Me
She's Acting Single, I'm Drinking Doubles
Is It Cold In Here, or Is It Just You?
We Used to Kiss on the Lips, But It's All Over Now
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus
Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
In 1981, after gaining a respectable following with the debut album 'Boy,' Irish band U2 was set to enter the studio to work on its follow up. But the band hit a snag when a briefcase containing all of the lyrics that Bono had penned for what became the 'October' album were stolen at a concert in Portland, Ore. Bono was forced to rewrite all of the words from memory, but the briefcase was returned 23 years later by a woman who found it in the attic of a rental home in Tacoma, Wash.
ASK PEVERETT
Go ahead. Ask me. You need advice? You need a hot stock tip? You just want to get in my head? Just ask. I'll give you an answer. I'm like one of those weird 8-ball floaty things.
Q: Dear Peverett, why is murdering idiots not legal?
A: Because we need a President, a Senate, and a House Of Representatives. It's inthe Constitution.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1970
A jury in Miami, Florida finds vocalist Jim Morrison guilty of profanity and indecent exposure for whipping out his cock at a Doors concert in Coconut Grove the previous year.
1973
A Beechcraft D-18 charter plane crashes into a tree near Natchitoches, Louisiana, killing singer/songwriter Jim Croce, his lead guitarist, and the entire flight crew.
1979
With the aid of 700 French paratroopers, David Dacko mounts a successful coup against the regime of Jean-Bedel Bokassa in the Central African Republic. For years, Bokassa was dogged by rumors of cannibalism, and his stewardship was known for its incredible barbarity.
1984
An Islamic Jihad suicide bomber drives a truck loaded with half a ton of high explosive up to the US Embassy in Beirut, Lebanon. The blast kills 20 and injures dozens more. The embassy had only reopened just six weeks before after the last bombing, which killed 61.
1986
Officials in Latvia test the structural integrity of a 40-year-old bridge by driving 14 heavy vehicles containing gravel on top of it. A 250-foot span of the bridge collapses, killing ten people.
1989
A jury finds Richard Ramirez ("The Night Stalker") guilty of 43 counts, including 13 murders and assorted incidents of burglary, rape, and sodomy. Ramirez terrorized Southern California during a string of murders, sexual attacks and burglaries. He would scrawl a pentacle in his victim's blood on the wall of each crime scene.
1992
Nine months prior to the infamous Bobbitt incident, a Los Angeleno named Aurelia Macias castrates her husband with a pair of scissors. Macias is found innocent by reason of insanity, and the case never generates much publicity. [It turns out that such deeds are not uncommon in certain third world countries, notably Thailand and the Philippines.]
CANNED LAUGHTER
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn’t matter—he won’t come.
NUTTED BY REALITY
After all of the controversy, CBS aired its premiere episode of "Kid Nation" last night. Much ado about nothing, I say! Not that the show is nothing. I found it interesting and refreshing from so many of the other shows on the air these days. Well, at least the shows in the reality genre. After all the brouhahas about child labor, child abuse, crying children ... well, to me, this didn't quite live up to all the controversy surrounding it. Instead I found it to be the kind of show both children and adults can watch together. Although it's touted as "40 children, 40 days, no adults" -- the kids themselves say there were more adults than children on site. Perhaps that doesn't speak much for the "reality" aspect, but the safety issues seem well-covered. Jonathan Karsh, the adult host of the show, is probably the only adult we'll see during the series. However, they seem to have a full staff of medics, psychologists, production folks, and more working in the background. So, it's not like the kids were tossed in the desert to die or anything. Jonathan came across a bit Jeff Probst-ish to me. Right now I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. After most of the kids arrived in the middle of Nowhere, New Mexico, in a school bus, Jonathan introduced four children as council leaders. Those leaders got to arrive there in a nifty helicopter. Now, I'd want to go by helicopter and be special, too! The chosen leaders didn't represent either end of the age scale of the kids on the show. That range is from 8 to 15 years old. Instead, they were a bit of a happy medium -- two boys and two girls ages 10 to 12. Age ain't nuthin' but a number anyway, right? I don't think a few of the older kids were too thrilled about the choices. Jonathan took the council leaders aside and told them about a special book in the town which would help them lead more effectively. He also told them that at the end of each tribal council ... er, town meeting ... they would be responsible for choosing which child receives a gold star worth $20,000. The award should go to the child who worked the hardest. The hard work began as the children had to haul their wagons and supplies a few miles to Bonanza City, the town where they're to build a new and better society. Right off the bat one of the older kids, Greg (15) accused Mike (11), one of the council members, of not working and just supervising. Another child fell with a muscle cramp, and all struggled their way along. The muscle cramp kid was helped by the others and rode the rest of the way to town. All in all, great work, but they had little choice -- they had to get to their town. Once in town, things predictably turned into chaos. The leadership didn't really take control, none of the children realized that roughing it meant uncomfortable lodgings or that pasta needs to be added to boiling water, not cold water. One girl, Sophia, threw out the pasta which the others had loaded in a pot of room temperature water. She started taking over kitchen tasks and the kids got fed. Not happily fed, but fed nonetheless. I thought that one of the council leaders, Laurel (12), seemed beyond her years in her leadership and compassion for others. In the image above, she's consoling young Jimmy as homesickness hits him hard. After all, he's one of the youngest children there, so it's not all that surprising. I think I cried like that my first time at summer camp. Jimmy was far from the only homesick camper on this trip. One of the council leaders, Taylor (10) had a rough few days and was also considering going home. You see, the kids don't get voted off of this show. But, if they want to leave, all they need do is say so at the town meetings which are held every three days. Another council leader had his own issues outside of being homesick. "I'm trying to be a leader here," cried Mike (11). Heck, Mike, most bosses have had the same problem -- no respect, problems handling being the authority. Work on it, kid! The second day was an improvement over the chaos. The council kids found the book which actually contained "ideas" on how to run the town. No adult involvement, eh? The book directed them to create four districts -- blue, yellow, red, and green. Each council leader chose their own district members trying to match up friends and keep enemies apart. (Yes, already there had been a few clashes.) As a result, the teams were lopsided age-wise. Most of the older kids were on the blue team, the youngest on the yellow. I'm not sure what a good idea it was to keep two of the older boys together -- Blaine and Greg. While Greg showed compassion at times, put them together and they get a bit wild. Sure enough, they ran around town creating "blue" graffiti in honor of their team. The younger kids made sarcastic remarks about their maturity. Then, in this world with no adult involvement, Jonathan introduced a job board. The town would have stores, but the kids need to earn their money. Like the teams, the labor division was in four groups. Laborers earn ten cents a day, cooks earn a quarter, merchants earn fifty cents, and the upper class (who doesn't have to work) get paid a dollar a day. How would the jobs be decided? A fistfight? Nope! It was a challenge or, in keeping with the pioneer theme of the show, it was a showdown. Back to back they faced each other. Er, no. Each team had to haul a wooden pump apparatus around to pipes. When they found one with their color, they had to fill up bottles. First team done with the bottles and hauling their pump across the finish line becomes upper class and so on down the line. Jonathan promised a special prize for the whole town if they finished the showdown in under an hour. Mike got to prove his mettle as a leader of the red team as he almost singlehandedly brought them to the finish line in first place. The older group, the blue team, came in second. The youngest group, yellow, arrived third and the final place -- the laborers -- went to the green team led by Laurel. Since the teams finished within the hour, they had their choice of prizes. They could have seven outhouses or a television. Now, there are forty kids and only one nasty outhouse, so you know that common sense would dictate the outhouses. But some kids were all excited about the television. But others thought if they had television, kids would goof off and not do their work. It's a kerfuffle! Maybe not. It only took the council members a few minutes to go for the outhouses and the other kids seemed happy with the choice. When it came time for the town council, Sophia, who didn't know it but was the favorite for receiving the gold star, almost blew her chances as she accused the council members of not doing their jobs. After all, Sophia is the kitchen queen and she didn't think Taylor's team cleaned up well. Gosh darn it, that's a big part of the job! But before the town meeting announced the gold star, Jonathan asked if anyone wanted to go home. Taylor decided she would stay and things had improved. But it was all too much for young Jimmy. Although all of the other kids were supportive, he asked to go home. He didn't cry although he looked like he wanted to ... he went home without anyone disrespecting his opinion. I thought it was handled very well. When the gold star trophy was announced, Sophia looked like she could have crawled under her chair. But the town council stayed with their decision that she was the hardest worker. She apologized to them for being bossy and said she would be more understanding. She was in disbelief when Jonathan told her it was worth $20,000. I couldn't help but be thrilled for her as I watched her excitement. The gold star given away each week might provide incentive for Greg to clean up his act. I know he can be good with the others, but he has to fight the feeling that he can bully others or doesn't need to listen to the council members just because they're younger. There's no way I'll be able to memorize all of these kids, no way. But the council members and a few others were spotlighted through the show. I'm very impressed by 14-year-old Michael. He was their second choice for the star this week. Laurel and Taylor seem to adapt well, each in their own ways. The kid Jared is a walking one-liner comedy show. I enjoyed this show and will be watching and writing about it next week. How about you?
GEEK TALK
Though we've known for some time now that Happy Feet director George Miller was circling the live-action Justice League of America movie, Variety is just now reporting that Miller will indeed helm the film. With the threat of a strike looming in the distance like a nasty storm cloud or a drunk ex-girlfriend who has no business being in the same place you are, Warner Bros. is feverishly forging ahead in order to have a big superhero movie for 2009. This summer, Christopher Nolan will debut The Dark Knight, his follow-up to Batman Begins, and since Bryan Singer is busy filming Nazis with Tom Cruise, his follow-up to Superman Returns won't be ready until at least 2010 (if it ever does get off the ground). So, with all that in mind, it's do or die time for Justice League. But will the rushed script, casting and production schedule ultimately hurt the finished product. Um, I'll let you answer that one. So now that Miller is onboard, our attention immediately turns toward casting. Variety says that Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, the Flash and Aquaman will most likely be the primarily characters in the film. For those wondering, both Christian Bale and Brandon Routh will most likely not be involved (and Nolan has already requested that the studio hold off on JLA until his Batman films are done, but apparently that ain't gonna happen). Casting rumors pop up every single day; I believe the latest one has Ryan Gosling playing Batman and Tom Welling playing Superman. However, nothing is official. I've already made it clear how I feel about this film -- that, as cool as it sounds to have a live-action flick featuring all my favorite superheroes, now is just not the time. Especially seeing as it's going to be rushed into production, why not just go the CGI route, or the motion-capture route? Why force this? Nurture this project, protect it; it could be the geeked-up movie event of the decade. I dig Miller, but I'm super scared. What about you?
MOVIE BUZZ
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
An extra, cast as a Russian soldier, gave out plot secrets to his hometown newspaper — revealing that Cate Blanchett plays a villain and that he was hired specifically for his … dancing skills. Too bad he doesn't get a make-out scene with Cate, because apparently he's got some really loose lips.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Speaking of dancing soldiers, a video shows a Chinese stunt team in army uniforms performing a little fancy footwork to impress director Rob Cohen. If this disturbing trend continues in action movies, someone's going to eventually remake Die Hard as a musical.
Juno
After playing a virgin trying to get lucky in Superbad, Michael Cera knocks up Ellen Page in the trailer for this comedy about teen pregnancy. Yeah, he was probably better off keeping it in his pants.
Million Dollar Strong
How to become a movie star in two easy steps: Produce your own profanity-laced rap-parody video about having sex on YouTube, then just wait for MTV Films to offer you a couple million bucks to make the feature version. Hey, it worked for these guys
Step Brothers
Want to star alongside Will Ferrell? The funnyman is auctioning off a cameo to raise money for a cancer charity. Unless, of course, the scene is the inevitable Ferrell nude scene — the charity would have to pay someone to appear in that. A lot.
Friday the 13th
Screenwriting duo Damian Shannon and Mark Swift have been hired to pen the remake featuring hockey-masked serial killer Jason Voorhees. I think they should totally rework the franchise and make Jason join an actual hockey team. If he were playing, I'd totally start going to NHL games.
The Love Guru
Jessica Alba confided that she gets to beat up pint-size actor Vern Troyer in Mike Myers' next comedy. To prepare for the role, she'll start hanging around schoolyards and taking down tykes.
Weirdsville
Scott Speedman and Wes Bentley star as a pair of stoners who run afoul of Satanists in the trailer. This is actually a new film based on an old script that never got produced: Cheech and Chong Go to Hell.
The Punisher: War Zone
Over on his message board, Paddy Considine says he's happy producers rescinded their offer for him to star as the villain Jigsaw since the first film "looks shitty" and director Lexi Alexander's previous film was "a gigantic mess." For those curious, Paddy's URL is www.ImACrank.com.
Funny Games
In the trailer, Naomi Watts and Tim Roth get brutally assaulted by two rich snots who listen to classical music. Yeah, these guys are psychotic killers, but at least they have good taste.
Run, Fatboy, Run
Simon Pegg's a guy who runs a marathon to win his girlfriend back. The trailer looks funny, but you know it's a low-budget movie when they don't pop for some extra cheeseburgers so the star can actually get fat. Hope they at least bought him some good sneakers.
There you have it, phans, another entry of the Phile. The next update will be next Thursday. Now, the Phile has had over 2500 views all ready. I still want to hit 3000 by Christmas. spread the word, not the turd.
WHAT I LEARNED IN NASHVILLE
Country music is an art form built on heartbreak, faith, inebriation, and often the love of one's dog or pick-up truck. But even though they often write sad songs, country music songwriters have a great sense of humor. What follow are some of my favorite country music song titles, ya'll.
All I Want From You Is Away
You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like Having You Here
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
If You Can't Be Good, Be Bad With Me
Bubba Shot the Jukebox
Are You Drinkin' With Me, Jesus?
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I'm Under the Table Over You
Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?
I'm Gonna Put a Bar in the Back of My Car and Drive Myself to Drink
Welcome to Dumpsville, Population Me
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be a Quart Low
Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed
If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It
My Phone Ain't Been Ringing, So I Guess it Wasn't You
I've Been Roped and Throwed By Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral
I Bought the Shoes That Just Walked Out on Me
She's Acting Single, I'm Drinking Doubles
Is It Cold In Here, or Is It Just You?
We Used to Kiss on the Lips, But It's All Over Now
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus
Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
In 1981, after gaining a respectable following with the debut album 'Boy,' Irish band U2 was set to enter the studio to work on its follow up. But the band hit a snag when a briefcase containing all of the lyrics that Bono had penned for what became the 'October' album were stolen at a concert in Portland, Ore. Bono was forced to rewrite all of the words from memory, but the briefcase was returned 23 years later by a woman who found it in the attic of a rental home in Tacoma, Wash.
ASK PEVERETT
Go ahead. Ask me. You need advice? You need a hot stock tip? You just want to get in my head? Just ask. I'll give you an answer. I'm like one of those weird 8-ball floaty things.
Q: Dear Peverett, why is murdering idiots not legal?
A: Because we need a President, a Senate, and a House Of Representatives. It's inthe Constitution.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1970
A jury in Miami, Florida finds vocalist Jim Morrison guilty of profanity and indecent exposure for whipping out his cock at a Doors concert in Coconut Grove the previous year.
1973
A Beechcraft D-18 charter plane crashes into a tree near Natchitoches, Louisiana, killing singer/songwriter Jim Croce, his lead guitarist, and the entire flight crew.
1979
With the aid of 700 French paratroopers, David Dacko mounts a successful coup against the regime of Jean-Bedel Bokassa in the Central African Republic. For years, Bokassa was dogged by rumors of cannibalism, and his stewardship was known for its incredible barbarity.
1984
An Islamic Jihad suicide bomber drives a truck loaded with half a ton of high explosive up to the US Embassy in Beirut, Lebanon. The blast kills 20 and injures dozens more. The embassy had only reopened just six weeks before after the last bombing, which killed 61.
1986
Officials in Latvia test the structural integrity of a 40-year-old bridge by driving 14 heavy vehicles containing gravel on top of it. A 250-foot span of the bridge collapses, killing ten people.
1989
A jury finds Richard Ramirez ("The Night Stalker") guilty of 43 counts, including 13 murders and assorted incidents of burglary, rape, and sodomy. Ramirez terrorized Southern California during a string of murders, sexual attacks and burglaries. He would scrawl a pentacle in his victim's blood on the wall of each crime scene.
1992
Nine months prior to the infamous Bobbitt incident, a Los Angeleno named Aurelia Macias castrates her husband with a pair of scissors. Macias is found innocent by reason of insanity, and the case never generates much publicity. [It turns out that such deeds are not uncommon in certain third world countries, notably Thailand and the Philippines.]
CANNED LAUGHTER
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn’t matter—he won’t come.
NUTTED BY REALITY
After all of the controversy, CBS aired its premiere episode of "Kid Nation" last night. Much ado about nothing, I say! Not that the show is nothing. I found it interesting and refreshing from so many of the other shows on the air these days. Well, at least the shows in the reality genre. After all the brouhahas about child labor, child abuse, crying children ... well, to me, this didn't quite live up to all the controversy surrounding it. Instead I found it to be the kind of show both children and adults can watch together. Although it's touted as "40 children, 40 days, no adults" -- the kids themselves say there were more adults than children on site. Perhaps that doesn't speak much for the "reality" aspect, but the safety issues seem well-covered. Jonathan Karsh, the adult host of the show, is probably the only adult we'll see during the series. However, they seem to have a full staff of medics, psychologists, production folks, and more working in the background. So, it's not like the kids were tossed in the desert to die or anything. Jonathan came across a bit Jeff Probst-ish to me. Right now I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. After most of the kids arrived in the middle of Nowhere, New Mexico, in a school bus, Jonathan introduced four children as council leaders. Those leaders got to arrive there in a nifty helicopter. Now, I'd want to go by helicopter and be special, too! The chosen leaders didn't represent either end of the age scale of the kids on the show. That range is from 8 to 15 years old. Instead, they were a bit of a happy medium -- two boys and two girls ages 10 to 12. Age ain't nuthin' but a number anyway, right? I don't think a few of the older kids were too thrilled about the choices. Jonathan took the council leaders aside and told them about a special book in the town which would help them lead more effectively. He also told them that at the end of each tribal council ... er, town meeting ... they would be responsible for choosing which child receives a gold star worth $20,000. The award should go to the child who worked the hardest. The hard work began as the children had to haul their wagons and supplies a few miles to Bonanza City, the town where they're to build a new and better society. Right off the bat one of the older kids, Greg (15) accused Mike (11), one of the council members, of not working and just supervising. Another child fell with a muscle cramp, and all struggled their way along. The muscle cramp kid was helped by the others and rode the rest of the way to town. All in all, great work, but they had little choice -- they had to get to their town. Once in town, things predictably turned into chaos. The leadership didn't really take control, none of the children realized that roughing it meant uncomfortable lodgings or that pasta needs to be added to boiling water, not cold water. One girl, Sophia, threw out the pasta which the others had loaded in a pot of room temperature water. She started taking over kitchen tasks and the kids got fed. Not happily fed, but fed nonetheless. I thought that one of the council leaders, Laurel (12), seemed beyond her years in her leadership and compassion for others. In the image above, she's consoling young Jimmy as homesickness hits him hard. After all, he's one of the youngest children there, so it's not all that surprising. I think I cried like that my first time at summer camp. Jimmy was far from the only homesick camper on this trip. One of the council leaders, Taylor (10) had a rough few days and was also considering going home. You see, the kids don't get voted off of this show. But, if they want to leave, all they need do is say so at the town meetings which are held every three days. Another council leader had his own issues outside of being homesick. "I'm trying to be a leader here," cried Mike (11). Heck, Mike, most bosses have had the same problem -- no respect, problems handling being the authority. Work on it, kid! The second day was an improvement over the chaos. The council kids found the book which actually contained "ideas" on how to run the town. No adult involvement, eh? The book directed them to create four districts -- blue, yellow, red, and green. Each council leader chose their own district members trying to match up friends and keep enemies apart. (Yes, already there had been a few clashes.) As a result, the teams were lopsided age-wise. Most of the older kids were on the blue team, the youngest on the yellow. I'm not sure what a good idea it was to keep two of the older boys together -- Blaine and Greg. While Greg showed compassion at times, put them together and they get a bit wild. Sure enough, they ran around town creating "blue" graffiti in honor of their team. The younger kids made sarcastic remarks about their maturity. Then, in this world with no adult involvement, Jonathan introduced a job board. The town would have stores, but the kids need to earn their money. Like the teams, the labor division was in four groups. Laborers earn ten cents a day, cooks earn a quarter, merchants earn fifty cents, and the upper class (who doesn't have to work) get paid a dollar a day. How would the jobs be decided? A fistfight? Nope! It was a challenge or, in keeping with the pioneer theme of the show, it was a showdown. Back to back they faced each other. Er, no. Each team had to haul a wooden pump apparatus around to pipes. When they found one with their color, they had to fill up bottles. First team done with the bottles and hauling their pump across the finish line becomes upper class and so on down the line. Jonathan promised a special prize for the whole town if they finished the showdown in under an hour. Mike got to prove his mettle as a leader of the red team as he almost singlehandedly brought them to the finish line in first place. The older group, the blue team, came in second. The youngest group, yellow, arrived third and the final place -- the laborers -- went to the green team led by Laurel. Since the teams finished within the hour, they had their choice of prizes. They could have seven outhouses or a television. Now, there are forty kids and only one nasty outhouse, so you know that common sense would dictate the outhouses. But some kids were all excited about the television. But others thought if they had television, kids would goof off and not do their work. It's a kerfuffle! Maybe not. It only took the council members a few minutes to go for the outhouses and the other kids seemed happy with the choice. When it came time for the town council, Sophia, who didn't know it but was the favorite for receiving the gold star, almost blew her chances as she accused the council members of not doing their jobs. After all, Sophia is the kitchen queen and she didn't think Taylor's team cleaned up well. Gosh darn it, that's a big part of the job! But before the town meeting announced the gold star, Jonathan asked if anyone wanted to go home. Taylor decided she would stay and things had improved. But it was all too much for young Jimmy. Although all of the other kids were supportive, he asked to go home. He didn't cry although he looked like he wanted to ... he went home without anyone disrespecting his opinion. I thought it was handled very well. When the gold star trophy was announced, Sophia looked like she could have crawled under her chair. But the town council stayed with their decision that she was the hardest worker. She apologized to them for being bossy and said she would be more understanding. She was in disbelief when Jonathan told her it was worth $20,000. I couldn't help but be thrilled for her as I watched her excitement. The gold star given away each week might provide incentive for Greg to clean up his act. I know he can be good with the others, but he has to fight the feeling that he can bully others or doesn't need to listen to the council members just because they're younger. There's no way I'll be able to memorize all of these kids, no way. But the council members and a few others were spotlighted through the show. I'm very impressed by 14-year-old Michael. He was their second choice for the star this week. Laurel and Taylor seem to adapt well, each in their own ways. The kid Jared is a walking one-liner comedy show. I enjoyed this show and will be watching and writing about it next week. How about you?
GEEK TALK
Though we've known for some time now that Happy Feet director George Miller was circling the live-action Justice League of America movie, Variety is just now reporting that Miller will indeed helm the film. With the threat of a strike looming in the distance like a nasty storm cloud or a drunk ex-girlfriend who has no business being in the same place you are, Warner Bros. is feverishly forging ahead in order to have a big superhero movie for 2009. This summer, Christopher Nolan will debut The Dark Knight, his follow-up to Batman Begins, and since Bryan Singer is busy filming Nazis with Tom Cruise, his follow-up to Superman Returns won't be ready until at least 2010 (if it ever does get off the ground). So, with all that in mind, it's do or die time for Justice League. But will the rushed script, casting and production schedule ultimately hurt the finished product. Um, I'll let you answer that one. So now that Miller is onboard, our attention immediately turns toward casting. Variety says that Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, the Flash and Aquaman will most likely be the primarily characters in the film. For those wondering, both Christian Bale and Brandon Routh will most likely not be involved (and Nolan has already requested that the studio hold off on JLA until his Batman films are done, but apparently that ain't gonna happen). Casting rumors pop up every single day; I believe the latest one has Ryan Gosling playing Batman and Tom Welling playing Superman. However, nothing is official. I've already made it clear how I feel about this film -- that, as cool as it sounds to have a live-action flick featuring all my favorite superheroes, now is just not the time. Especially seeing as it's going to be rushed into production, why not just go the CGI route, or the motion-capture route? Why force this? Nurture this project, protect it; it could be the geeked-up movie event of the decade. I dig Miller, but I'm super scared. What about you?
MOVIE BUZZ
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
An extra, cast as a Russian soldier, gave out plot secrets to his hometown newspaper — revealing that Cate Blanchett plays a villain and that he was hired specifically for his … dancing skills. Too bad he doesn't get a make-out scene with Cate, because apparently he's got some really loose lips.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Speaking of dancing soldiers, a video shows a Chinese stunt team in army uniforms performing a little fancy footwork to impress director Rob Cohen. If this disturbing trend continues in action movies, someone's going to eventually remake Die Hard as a musical.
Juno
After playing a virgin trying to get lucky in Superbad, Michael Cera knocks up Ellen Page in the trailer for this comedy about teen pregnancy. Yeah, he was probably better off keeping it in his pants.
Million Dollar Strong
How to become a movie star in two easy steps: Produce your own profanity-laced rap-parody video about having sex on YouTube, then just wait for MTV Films to offer you a couple million bucks to make the feature version. Hey, it worked for these guys
Step Brothers
Want to star alongside Will Ferrell? The funnyman is auctioning off a cameo to raise money for a cancer charity. Unless, of course, the scene is the inevitable Ferrell nude scene — the charity would have to pay someone to appear in that. A lot.
Friday the 13th
Screenwriting duo Damian Shannon and Mark Swift have been hired to pen the remake featuring hockey-masked serial killer Jason Voorhees. I think they should totally rework the franchise and make Jason join an actual hockey team. If he were playing, I'd totally start going to NHL games.
The Love Guru
Jessica Alba confided that she gets to beat up pint-size actor Vern Troyer in Mike Myers' next comedy. To prepare for the role, she'll start hanging around schoolyards and taking down tykes.
Weirdsville
Scott Speedman and Wes Bentley star as a pair of stoners who run afoul of Satanists in the trailer. This is actually a new film based on an old script that never got produced: Cheech and Chong Go to Hell.
The Punisher: War Zone
Over on his message board, Paddy Considine says he's happy producers rescinded their offer for him to star as the villain Jigsaw since the first film "looks shitty" and director Lexi Alexander's previous film was "a gigantic mess." For those curious, Paddy's URL is www.ImACrank.com.
Funny Games
In the trailer, Naomi Watts and Tim Roth get brutally assaulted by two rich snots who listen to classical music. Yeah, these guys are psychotic killers, but at least they have good taste.
Run, Fatboy, Run
Simon Pegg's a guy who runs a marathon to win his girlfriend back. The trailer looks funny, but you know it's a low-budget movie when they don't pop for some extra cheeseburgers so the star can actually get fat. Hope they at least bought him some good sneakers.
There you have it, phans, another entry of the Phile. The next update will be next Thursday. Now, the Phile has had over 2500 views all ready. I still want to hit 3000 by Christmas. spread the word, not the turd.
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