Thursday, October 4, 2007

Every Phile Comes Out Thursday

Hello, and welcome to another entry of the Phile, the web's most updated blog, read all over the world. It's October and time for the new Phile. I so look forward to the brightly colored leaves. Oh, wait, I live in Florida, the leaves won't change. I love it because it's the only time of year that you can still say, "colored" and get away with it. Yes, this is my second favorite time of year. Second only to April when the leaves can best be described as, "sneaky Asians". The New York Knicks and coach Isaiah Thomas were found guilty of sexual harassment. The Knicks punishment is that they have to pay $11 million and Isaiah Thomas’ punishment is that he has to keep coaching the Knicks. At the White House, President Bush hosted a group of Muslims for a traditional Ramadan meal called the Iftar dinner. Last year’s Iftar dinner didn’t go so well after President Bush stood up and yelled, “Let’s get this party If-tarded.” A judge ruled that Britney Spears’ kids would be better off they go to live with Kevin Federline. The judge made the ruling after a six-month exhaustive search for an option C. It was announced that, over the summer, Hillary Clinton’s campaign raised $27 million, while Barack Obama’s campaign raised $22 million. In a related story, Dennis Kucinich found a nickel between the couch cushions. Two California cities may ban smoking in apartments. I don’t know about not smoking in your own apartment. Next think you know, you won’t be able to Google yourself. I don’t know if banning stuff really works. They banned alcohol in the 1920s. That didn’t really work. Well, it worked for some — the Kennedy family and Al Capone . . . Monday Epcot turned 25 years old and everybody celebrated. Not to feel left out, the Magic Kingdom said, "Hey, I'm 36." 
On Tuesday it was Sting’s birthday! Not only Sting’s but Kelly Ripa’s too. Sting, Kelly Ripa, both lovely, both different. One is a sexy blonde perky love machine I’d like to wake up with in the morning, and the other is Kelly Ripa. Ha! Just kidding, I am not gay. It’s Oktober Fest in Germany. Thousands of Germans marching up and down the street, singing in unison. What could possibly go wrong? Tuesday was the premier of “Cavemen.” It’s about three cavemen who share an apartment: Fred, Barney, and Fabio. There were three different typesof cavemen: the Cromagnums, the Neanderthals, and before the Neanderthals, the Baldwins. Monday was the first day American citizens are required to have a passport to get into Mexico. Previously all you needed to get into Mexico is a hankering for diarrhea. Orlando Bloom may be off the market. He was seen kanoodling with Jennifer Aniston. I think he was lured in by the faint smell of Brad Pitt. If they get together, they’re going to need a name, like “Brangelina” or “Tomcat.” “Bloomifer,” or “Orlanniston.” “Orlanniston.” I don’t think that will work. It’s like an unstable country. Microsoft announced they may buy CISCO for $10 billion. How much money is $10 billion? Well, if you take what I earn, and add about $10 billion . . . You know what else? The Sex Pistols have announced they’re reuniting for the 30th anniversary of their album. It’s their 30th anniversary. They’re album was called, “Never Mind the Bollocks.” Mind my bollocks, because I’m tripping over them right now.


October is finally here and everyone in America is buzzing about our favorite national pastime. No, I'm not talking about processed foods and racism. I'm talking about baseball. The Major League playoffs are here and you can feel the manufactured, insincere excitement in the air. So in the immortal words of Hank Williams Jr., ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL! Go Giants! Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon applied for -- and were granted -- a marriage license late Saturday in Las Vegas, according to the Clark County's Marriage License Bureau. Rick Salomon is best known for starring in, and selling the Paris Hilton sex tape. People wondering why Anderson would get involved with this douchebag need to remember that her last round of plastic surgery involved replacing her brain with salt water taffy. Salomon plans to release the honeymoon sex tape in IMAX format in order to display her breasts at their actual size. In sports news, the Mets suck. In political news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced Bill Johnson) recently stirred up controversy when he said there were no homosexuals in Iran. Never one to make an uninformed statement, Ahmadinejad previously had butt-sex with every man in Iran to see if any of them liked it. Turns out he was right. On behalf of America, I'm sorry we doubted you. Now go back to that sandpit you call a country, Saddam Lite.


List of "7th Heaven"Episodes: 
Basically, somebody pitched a show about a Protestant minister’s family to the WB, and that show ended up dragging on for 11 seasons and garnering a staggering 29,601-word Wikipedia entry. We’ve never seen the show, so we can’t judge, but ... No, you know what? It was probably pretty terrible. Word Count: 29,601. That's more words than The Old Man and the Sea (26,601). Can you guess how many times "7th Heaven" mentions ass? Not nearly as many times as it does “church,” I can tell you that.


On the morning of Monday, Oct. 1, Guests and Cast Members gathered around Future World Fountain Stage and took part is a special Silver Anniversary Ceremony to commemorate Epcot's 25th anniversary. From talking about Figment to sharing stories about going around World Showcase, the audience was excited and ready to be a part of history. "There is so much energy here today," said Walt Disney World Ambassador Lowell Doringo prior to the ceremony. "Epcot is special because this is where it all began for me and to be here celebrating the 25th anniversary is amazing."
At 10:01 a.m., Walt Disney World Ambassador Michael Kelley kicked off the ceremony and welcomed everyone to the park where he first got his start. He then turned the podium over to emcee Tracy Wu. Tracy welcomed Cast Members representing Future World attractions and invited Erin Wallace, Walt Disney World senior vice president of Operations and Jim MacPhee, vice president of Epcot to the stage. The two Leaders talked about Walt Disney's vision, what makes Epcot so unique and even shared some personal memories. "I was here 25 years ago, working in the parking lot," Jim said. Moments later, Jim and Erin then welcomed Disney Legend and Walt Disney Imagineering Ambassador Marty Sklar. Marty talked about Walt's vision and shared some wise advice Walt once gave him: "You can educate people, but don't tell people you're doing it." Cast Members from Future World then left the stage and made room for Cast Members representing each of the 11 countries featured in World Showcase. Cast Members from each pavilion carried a pot of water from a river in that respective country to help recreate the dedication ceremony that took place a quarter-century ago. "Today on Oct. 1, 2007, we re-dedicate Epcot and ourselves to a new future that begins now," Marty said. With the dramatic gusts of water from the fountain behind the stage and fireworks exploding in the sky, the ceremony came to a close and Epcot officially turned 25.


St. Petersburg televangelist Bill Keller has a message for Osama bin Laden: Convert to Christianity or face an eternity in hell. Keller flooded nearly 200 national and international Web hosting sites with a 10-minute video sermon over the weekend in hopes that it would reach bin Laden. In it, Keller, 49, calls bin Laden "a tool of Satan" who could escape the wrath of God by turning his life over to Christ and urging other Muslims to do the same. "You can become one of the greatest soul winners in human history," he said. "God could use you to deliver hundreds of thousands from the flames of hell to the glories of heaven." Keller said he chose the video format because it's bin Laden's preferred communication tool. Great. Evangelical jujitsu. Just wonderful...that'll help.


Lois Maxwell, the definitive Miss Moneypenny in James Bond films: broke.


Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots’ uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high-five. “You know,” says one pilot to the other, “one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.


Let's see ... no animals were killed in the filming of last night's episode of "Kid Nation". A few outhouses might have received considerable damage, a lot of pizzas were wasted, and they made ten-year-old Taylor cry. Oh, I think she deserved some sort of comeuppance, but I still felt sorry for her when it came. I suppose she's going to have to deal with it, eh? This week's adult interference came in the form of the "journal" advising the council members to set a curfew. I think it was good advice in the long run because, after all, the kids were getting all hyped up in sugar-crazed root beer chugging parties into the wee hours of the night. Darn it, if they're going to get high on sugar, do it in the morning when they can work it off, right? I've decided I'm hooked on this show. While I don't like the adult direction in setting everything up and the advice from the journal each week, I enjoy these kids. Well, for the most part, that is. I want to see the day they make the unwise choice of rewards for completing a showdown within the set time span. I want to see them uprise and overthrow the town council. I want a revolution, kids! Er ... maybe not a revolution, I guess. I would love to see them stand up to the authority running the show, though. But, most of all, I find it refreshing that the kids on the show often show compassion towards one another. Plus, as the old Art Linkletter show showed us -- "Kids Say the Darndest Things". This week's winners for that were Taylor saying that President Bush had to be mean because you have to be bossy to get attention, Jared screaming "It's a twister! It's a twister!" and one of the girls saying it was hard to be there when the wind blows your face off. It's hard to run a town with your face blown off by the wind, yes it is.


"Have you seen a scary white man?" - Hiro Nakamura, time traveler. Last week I told you pretty much scene by scene what happened on "Heroes." Most of you watched it, so I don't really have to go into to much detail, so I will just review the episodes instead. No Nikki, D.L., or Micah again. I really hope they eventually comeback into the fold, but to be honest there are enough story lines going on right now to keep them on the back burner. My knees are knocking though to see the next stage of Micah's powers. Also, there has been very little love for Ando and I want to see more of him on screen. At the end of the season last year, he established his own persona and became a hero in his own right and deserves a little more face time. I had a friend that was watching the episode and screamed, "I can't take it anymore. It's too much." He was just overwhelmed and he sat down and enjoyed the rest of the episode, but he did have a point. Multi-century, multi-story line, multi-continent, multi-language ... the Heroes has a multi of multis. The big budget (the Port Au Prince shots were vibrant and eye-catching) and epic feel will only carry so far. I have faith that the writers will not reach a peak and cop out (like they did with the season finale last spring). Hopefully, they have the foresight to know their current trajectory and how to make everything tie together.


We don't have to wait two years! We only have to wait one! In case you can't tell, I'm excited to hear the solo Wolverine spin-off will be hitting theaters in 2008, rather than 2009, as we've always thought. But is it true? According to IESB, it is. The site spoke with Wolverine director Gavin Hood -- twice -- and claims the guy said Fox is pushing the thing out next summer. However, Hood is also quoted as saying production doesn't even begin until either December or January and that it would take four months to shoot. So what is it, guys, is he starting filming in just under a month, or is he starting in a few months? Either way, I'm still excited to know it's going into production soon. Wolverine, which star Hugh Jackman and Wizard magazine discussed in-depth recently, will lens in Australia and New Zealand and will apparently feature "other mutants such as Gambit" (but probably not Gambit; Hood merely acknowledged that "other mutants" would appear, and that could simply refer to Sabretooth, who we already know about). Other than that, IESB was only able to confirm that Wolverine would be rated PG-13 and that Hood seems to see the X-Man's story as something out of opera or Greek mythology, which he is more familiar with than comic books. Despite my excitement as a fan of the comics and the character of Wolverine in particular. The opera/mythology stuff intrigues me, but I hope he'll at least do some research into the comic books, and I hope he's more kidding than half-kidding in his telling IESB that he's only doing the movie to pay for his twins' college tuition. Let's pray Hood wasn't right in initially telling Fox that he's the wrong guy for this.


The viral campaign of J.J. Abrams' monster movie was all the rage over the summer, but the latest update is just a photograph of an angry Japanese chef. If the climax of the film is that dude chopping the main creature into sushi, that could be kind of cool.
The Spirit
Frank Miller fell so much in love with the green-screen technique of Sin City that he told Eva Mendes this new film will be like "acting class" and objects will only exist if she touches them in the shot. Cool, I love mimes! I hope there's a scene where she gets trapped in a little box.
The cute little robot star of Pixar's next animated flick tackles the company's distinctive logo in the new trailer. Good. That bouncy little lamp needed his light knocked out years ago.
The Brood
David Cronenberg's creepy classic about a woman who sends her mutant children to kill her ex-husband is getting the remake treatment. I have the perfect casting: Britney, K-Fed and their two tykes.
Noah's Ark
Another Great Biblical Flood movie, but this time it will be from the animals' POV. That's not a bad idea. A better one? How about from the POV of the poor schlub who had to swab the deck behind all those animals?
Nightmare Academy
Screenwriter David Reynolds has been hired to write the first movie based on the first book of a trilogy about children who are trained to police bad dreams. Great, as if my nightmares about showing up at high school naked weren't bad enough, now I gotta worry about some nosy kids popping into them?
Baltimore, or the Steadfast Tin Soldier and the Vampire
Blade and Batman Begins screenwriter David Goyer is so obsessed with bats that he's going to direct an adaptation of the graphic novel about a vampire who tries to rid the world of evil. His project after this? A Count Chocula biopic.
Gatchaman and Astroboy
The two classic Japanese anime are being updated and released in the U.S. They look great, but if they're successful and inspire a Pokemon revival, then we're all doomed.
Midnight Meat Train
There's the gory trailer about a photographer who snaps pictures of a serial killer who slices up his victims on the NYC subway, then hangs the bodies up in freezers in the meat-packing district.
The Eye
The original directors of the Jessica Alba horror film have been given the boot, and the movie will get two full weeks of reshoots from director Patrick Lussier. Hey, that plan worked so well for The Invasion, so why not?
The Party
Sacha Baron Cohen is allegedly eyeing a remake of the classic Peter Sellers comedy. Although, since he already brought a bag of his own excrement to a party in Borat, I shudder at the thought at what he might do in this film.

Well, there you have it, another entry of the Phile. We're getting close to 2700 views, and I want to hit 3000 by Christmas, so tell your friends on Facespace, Myspace or Facebook. Spread the word, not the turd. Until next week, thanks for reading...


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