Hello, and welcome to the 99th entry of the Phile, the web's most updated blog. If you wonder what the title means, well, it's a 99. Ask anybody in England and they'll tell you. One of President Bush’s closest advisers said Republican presidential candidate Michael Huckabee will have trouble getting elected because his last name is Huckabee. He said the only way it could be worse is if his name was George W. Huckabee. Former “Law & Order” star Fred Thompson appeared in his first presidential debate. Political experts called him “uneven, flat, and dull.” In other words, Thompson was the highlight of the debate. Dennis Kucinich has asked that his name be taken off the ballot in the Michigan Democratic primary. Michigan voting officials told Kucinich, “How about we just put it up high where you can’t see it?” "Radar" magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. "Radar" says it’s all part of their plan to sell zero magazines. Of course, I am going to Borders tomorrow to find it. Speaking of magazines, "Esquire" magazine named the sexiest woman alive: Charlize Theron. She had some tough competition: Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Orlando Bloom . . . The big news is, Radiohead has a new album out. The kids are excited. I’ve got my ear to the street . . . I know what kids like. They like Radiohead; they dance the Robot; they dance the jitterbug . . . I remember getting some radiohead when Iwas back at school. Man, there's nothing like some radiohead. They’re much better than Toasterfoot. Another celebrity from the 80s and 90s went to the hospital. David Hasselhoff had a relapse. I guess he checked himself into a hospital. I’m surprised they took him . . . he wears a medical alert bracelet that says, “Don’t Hasspitalize the Hoff.” The New York Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs by the Cleveland Indians. The Yankees are upset because the season is over, and the Indians are upset because they have to go back to Cleveland. A new study says that more than 10,000 Cubans a year are entering the United States by going to Mexico and crossing the border. U.S. Customs agents are furious because they say Cubans are stealing jobs that should go to Mexicans. Sharon Osbourne and her husband Ozzie are auctioning off three houses of old worthless stuff — their old clothes, their old furniture, their son Jack . . . Here’s how it works: You go to his house, you take what you want, and Ozzie doesn’t remember owning it so it’s just fine. It’s fall — harvest festival time! I’ve only grown one plant in my life, and I’d rather not talk about it . . . for legal reasons. That was a joke! You probably heard — blessed nuptials between Pamela Anderson and Rick Solomon over the weekend. From here forward known as Solomon-ella.
MOST NEEDLESSLY DETAILED WIKIPEDIA ENTRIES
TENNIS PERFORMANCE TIMELINE COMPARISON:
As massive as it is, the author promises more to come. "When completed," the introduction threatens, "this article will present in a tabular form the career tennis Grand Slam and Olympic singles results of every woman who has reached the singles final of at least one ... tournament during her career." It doesn’t say when the article will be completed, though, so don’t start planning your "Women’s Tennis Wikipedia Entry" party just yet. Word Count: 14,411. That's more words than The Book of Revelation (11,952).
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
CASSELBERRY, Fla. -- A police officer has sued the family of a 1-year-old boy who nearly drowned because she slipped and injured a knee responding to their 911 rescue call. The young boy, Joey Cosmillo, fell into the family pool in January. He was resuscitated but suffered brain damage and now cannot walk, talk or swallow. He lives in a nursing home and eats and breathes through tubes. Casselberry police Sgt. Andrea Eichhorn alleges the boy's family left a puddle of water on the floor, causing her fall during the rescue efforts. She broke her knee and missed two months of work.
"The loss we've suffered, and she's seeking money?" said Richard Cosmillo, 69, the boy's grandfather, who lived in the home with his wife and the boy's mother. "Of course there's going to be water in the house. He was sopping wet when we brought him in." Eichhorn's personnel file includes numerous commendations. The 12-year veteran has worked as a hostage negotiator and prostitution decoy, and even wrestled razors away from a suicidal person. Eichhorn's attorney, David Heil, said she now has persistent kneepain and will likely develop arthritis. He said city benefits paid by workers' compensation and some disability checks helped with medical bills, but it wasn't enough. The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages. "It's a situation where the Cosmillos have caused these problems, brought them on themselves, then tried to play the victim," Heil said. Police Chief John Pavlis said Eichhorn was a good officer, though he urged her not to sue. This David Heil asshole is the reason that lawyers get a bad rap. He's an ambulance chasing cocksucker.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
$102 Mill(s)ion Dollar Divorce. I sure hope that was some good one-legged pussy.
LONDON (Reuters) - Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his wife Heather Mills met in court on Thursday as British media speculated their divorce battle might be drawing to a close. News reports said Mills could receive between 20 million and 70 million pounds ($40 million and 140 million) in a final settlement, including a one-off lump sum plus annual payments. McCartney's spokesman said it was unlikely the star would be issuing a statement on Thursday, while Mills's spokesman was not immediately available for comment. Mills, 39, was bundled into the London court via the back entrance, under a cover thrown over her by security guards, photographers said. McCartney arrived several minutes later. They left separately in the early evening, making no comment to reporters about what went on in the closed hearing. The settlement could set a record for a contested divorce award in British courts. In August last year, insurance magnate John Charman was ordered to pay his wife 48 million pounds after they divorced in 2003 after 27 years of marriage. McCartney, 65, who has a fortune estimated at about 825 million pounds, married Mills in 2002. They have a daughter, Beatrice, who turns four later this month. The Sun newspaper quoted an unidentified friend of Mills as saying the couple wanted to settle the divorce before Beatrice's fourth birthday. This would mean they had about three weeks to finalize the details. The split has been played out in the full glare of the media, which has cast Mills as a gold digger and publicity seeker -- suggestions she denies. Mills works for several charities, including those involved in banning landmines and preventing cruelty to animals.
THERE IS A GOD
All the Beatles now on iTunes! Solo that is, now with the release of George Harrison's solo stuff (the entirety of "All Things Must Pass" for $9.99!) Alas we gotta wait for The Beatles together...
Mr. Brown visits his doctor for his annual checkup. “I need stool, urine, and sperm samples,” says the doctor. The old man thinks for a moment and then says, “Will my underwear do?”
Why aren’t there any more K-Marts in Afghanistan? Because there’s a Target on every corner.
NUTTED BY REALITY
Following the recipe for controversy which has been a mainstay for this show since its inception, last night's episode of "Kid Nation" threw religion into the fray. So, let's take a moment to count the controversies and brouhahas thus far -- we have the child labor issue, the scripted/acting kids issue, the contract issue in which the parents promised not to sue if their kid died, the kill two chickens on television issue, and so many more. Adults created this world created by the children, so let's get them going on religion next! Will there be fisticuffs? Love-ins? Heathens run amok? Thankfully, in this case, the kids were smarter than the adults.
Monday's episode of "Heroes" saw the return of Nikki and Micah, confirmed the death of D.L. Hawkins, and brought about the death of yet another hero. Which reminds me, should I be calling the characters that are deemed bad "heroes"? I'm talking characters like Candice/Michelle and Sylar. Should I maybe be referring to them as anti-heroes? I digress. No mention of Nathan this episode but from the previews, he'll be making an appearance next week sans beard. All in all, it wasn't an action packed episode, but it did a good job of pushing the story a little further along. Of all the stories going on right now, I'm most eager to learn about HRG's fate. Despite this, Mohinder found an opportunity to search for more of the paintings in Isacc's series. The paintings started with the death of Hiro's father... ... and ended with HRG taking a bullet in the eye while someone (possibly West, Peter, or Nathan) hugs Claire in the background. I'm pretty bummed about this. All of Isaac's paintings have come to fruition. Being that I've grown fond of HRG, I would love for this painting to be the exception to the rule. Chances are that won't be the case, and I can only hope he doesn't die until a few more seasons have elapsed.
The other day, Paramount invited a select group of online writers to attend a special luncheon with director Steven Spielberg who wanted to reward them for their help in apprehending the dude who was trying to sell all those stolen Indiana Jones photos. In doing so, the folks in attendance asked Spielberg tons of questions regarding all of his most talked-about projects, including Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls, Transformers 2 and Tintin. Of course, when you bring this all-star team of websites together, don't expect a bunch of B.S. questions -- they cut straight to the chase. As far as Indy 4 goes, there's only two days left of shooting, Shia LaBeouf and Harrison Ford have performed most of their own stunts, the flick was shot on film, not digital (with as much practical effects work as possible) and Drew Struzan will be back for the poster. Additionally, there's been talk about re-releasing the first three Indiana Jones films on the big screen prior to the fourth installment arriving in theaters. No doubt this was George Lucas' idea, and Spielberg said he's not so sure he wants to do it. He'd rather Indiana Jones 4 be the first time folks are seeing Indy on the big screen in 18 years. (Personally, I'd like to see the first three on the big screen at some point). As far as Transformers 2 goes, they're working double-time to complete the script and Spielberg said it will be handed in a couple weeks from now, with the potential goal to begin shooting early next year. Spielberg also played coy when folks asked whether Shia LaBeouf would continue the Indy franchise, saying "we will see, he still has multiple Transformers films to do." I suppose that means LaBeouf will stay with the robots through at least a third film. Finally, for the Tintin news. All three films will indeed be motion capture, with Peter Jackson and Steven Spielberg each directing one installment. The cool news is that if they do not find a director to helm the third installment, Jackson and Spielberg will co-direct. Now if that's not a fanboy's wet dream, I don't know what is.
Anaconda 3 & 4
Taking a break from seeing if America's got talent, David Hasselhoff will travel to Romania to star in back-to-back sequels about the giant South American snake. All this from a guy who is a major pop star in Germany. Ah yes, the Hoff's plan for global domination is finally starting to come together!
The BBC Controller of Fiction (yup, that's a real job title) said the network may at last make a feature film out of their long-running show about a time-traveling extraterrestrial who flies around the universe in a police call box. Speaking of calls, the BBC had better answer the clue phone and produce the movie Who fans, including myself, have been screaming for.
John Carter of Mars
Pixar is going to produce a trilogy of films about a Civil War hero who is magically transported to the Red Planet, where he gains superstrength. Unlike Pixar's previous films, though, these will be live action. But since the majority of the action takes place on another planet, I hope the animation company can squeeze in at least one talking rat or fish into the action.
The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
There's a first look at the cast and artwork from Terry Gilliam's next film, which apparently will star Verne Troyer, a woman in a Victorian gown and a couple of horses. Although that mix sounds more like a scene from a Kevin Smith movie …
Speaking of Smith, the director wrote on his blog that his horror-movie script about religious fundamentalism is the first one Bob and Harvey Weinstein are refusing to produce and that he'll have to finance it himself. Wait, they're turning this down but said yes to Jersey Girl?
Dead of Night
Brandon Routh is finally making his next big-screen appearance after Superman Returns. This time, he'll star as a claustrophobic, vegetarian investigator of the supernatural. Snooping around coffins looking for bloodsuckers will do that to a guy.
The trailer for Anthony Hopkins' directorial debut in which he also stars as a man who can't tell the difference between real lifeand a movie. Hasn't that guy been acting for, like, 150 years? This film's probably a true story.
The Art of War 2
Thanks to his troubles with the IRS, Wesley Snipes is now forced to star in cruddy sequels like this one. If Wes is hurting for money, why doesn't he just make some the old-fashioned way and star in a sex tape?
The Last Christmas
The graphic novel in which Santa Claus fights zombies has just been optioned to become a movie. Oh yeah, the undead are getting coal in their stockings for sure.
The Goonies 2
Sean Astin says that a sequel to the classic action kids flick is an "absolute certainty." Too bad he can't say that about The Hobbit, which is a film people actually want to go see.
Director Matthew Vaughn says that his screenplay about the Norse god of thunder would cost $300 mil to make and producers want him to cut his budget in half. To get the price tag down, instead of controlling massive lightning storms, the titular superhero will defeat bad guys just by making it drizzle a little.
300's Gerard Butler and "Dexter's" Michael C. Hall are going to star as opponents in a world where a futuristic video game is played via mind control of real humans. Yikes! My mom always said those games were going to rot my brain.
Well, there you have it, phans, another entry of the Phile. Yippee. Next week's entry will be my 100th! Man, I wish I planned something big. I have a week to think of something. I still want to hit 3000 views by Christmas, and we are sooooo close. Tomorrow I am going to "be a character for a day." I'll explain that probably in my Myspace blog though, and soemtime this weekend I want to get my 4th tattoo. We'll see. Have a good week, and spread the word, not the turd.