Sunday, July 31, 2016

Pheaturing Keith Top Of The Pops

Take me down to Paradise City, where the girls are green and the grass is pretty... wait, never mind. I'm very sick, leave me alone. How are you? Welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. A few days ago we wend to see Guns N Roses in concert. Man, those guys play late. Axl Rose has much to teach our generation about successfully putting off a deadline. It was a good show, and Axl sang great, but I miss the days of seeing Axl go apeshit on concert goers. I wasn't sure if Axl was sincerely welcoming me to the jungle. During the concert I was thinking thought of there was ever a rock star who deserved to die in his prime, it was Axl Rose. Anyway, Logan enjoyed the show and that is all that counted. He had the best time of his life. Okay, let's talk about other stuff that is going on.
The "Pokémon Go" craze continues to sweep the nation and the world. The game has already inspired a dating site, so it probably shouldn't come as a surprise that a company called Geeky Sex Toys is now selling a line of Pokémon-themed dildos they're calling "Pokémoan." This leaves me to ask the question: Is nothing sacred? Pokémoan comes in four childhood-ruining varieties that are inspired by the three starter Pokémon available in the original Gameboy games, plus Pikachu.Geeky Sex Toys provides descriptions of each one on its website, with instructions to, "Please read in your best Pokésex voice." Here's a shot of the whole family...

Yup. Your childhood is ruined. You can go ahead and bleach your eyeballs now. I'll wait.
Some people think there's a mighty bad curse word in "Mario & Sonic at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games," a video game for the Nintendo Wii U system. Steve Jones, a dad in the U.K., told the "The Daily Mirror" that they started hearing their daughter use a word as colorful as the characters in the game, "At first my wife and I didn't pick up on it until we heard our eight-year-old daughter start saying it around the house." S0, what did his daughter say around the house? The dreaded c-word. "During the football section of the game, there is a specific character called Shadow that every time a shot is blocked, saved or even tackled he would shout the word cunt." So, is Shadow saying the worst word of them all? It's not likely that the character is dropping c-bombs, but not impossible either. Thousands have listened to the video, and many cunt really tell the difference. Haha. Sorry, I could't resist.
While Americans argue the best way to keep Mexicans from crossing into territory that is historically Mexico, the adorable country of Norway might straight-up gift a mountain to their neighbor, Finland. "There are a few formal difficulties and I have not yet made my final decision," said Norway's Prime Minister Erna Solberg. "But we are looking into it. "Yes. They'd just give it away. As simple as a birthday present. Actually, it is a birthday present. The mountain peak would be Norway's gift to Finland on the 100th anniversary of their independence from Russia. The idea to move the mountain started in 2015, when retired geophysicist Bjørn Geirr Harsson started a Facebook campaign. "My idea is that this should be a gift from the Norwegian people," he told "The Telegraph." "And I feel sure that the Finnish people would appreciate it." In addition to the message of friendship, it'd also literally grow the country by some 21-feet. By moving the border "barely 40 metres further up the mountainside," officials could move a peak on Halti from Norway to Finland and give the country its new highest point. Unfortunately, a pesky Norwegian constitution defines the country as physically indivisible. Still, some counter that Norway has occasionally changed borders to accommodate shifting riverbeds and the like.If it happens, the minor move would be like a teeny reverse-Brexit. It's as heartwarming as it is unimaginable for Americans.
You know you're creating worthwhile comedy when it pisses off corporate lawyers. Stephen Colbert (the comedian) welcomed Stephen Colbert (the character) to "The Late Show" last week to try and make sense of the Republican National Convention, much to the chagrin of both Colberts' old employers. Immediately after the segment aired, CBS got calls from Viacom, Comedy Central's parent company, insisting that "Stephen Colbert" isn't property of Stephen Colbert." CBS’s top lawyer was contacted by the top lawyer from another company to say that the character ‘Stephen Colbert’ is their intellectual property, which is surprising, because I never considered that guy much of an intellectual," Colbert (the real person as confirmed by the census) joked. "What can I do? The lawyers have spoken," Colbert (the one who isn't property of Viacom) said. "I cannot reasonably argue I own my face or name." Keeping crafty, Colbert (the real person who went to Northwestern, not the fake one who went to Dartmouth) introduced America to Stephen Colbert's (the Republican) identical twin cousin, Stephen Colbert.
I have to mention this... On Tuesday, Hillary Clinton became the Democratic Party's official Presidential Nominee. After a long and drawn out fight for the ticket between herself and Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, Clinton affirmed her status as the Democratic favorite when she garnered enough delegate votes during the traditional roll call to clinch the nomination. Unhappy "Berners" consequently protested the DNC and HRC by staging a walkout.
So, did you see Obama hugging Hillary at the DNC? Well, that wasn't the first time those two hugged like that...

This a really great metaphor for the political climate if you want to go deep about it. That girl in the plunging black dress in front of them is totally the Bernie. Mindphuck! Are you kids playing "Pokémon Go"? Go Team Instinct! Some people are not only playing, but they are cashing in on the game as well. Like the folks behind this actual IRL PokéStop.

Some people also think Pokémon comes from Japan... but being British I am here to tell you it's from Britain. I have proof.

Hahahaha. I love that one! So, I think today the new Harry Potter came out... "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child" I think it's called. There's another new Potter book that just came out that is not getting as much attention.

Hmmm... I don't get it. Kids, there's one thing you may not know about me and that is I don't like breaking rules. Unlike this person...

What do you expect from a Penguins fan? It's summer and one of the best things about the summer is the bikini. So, this summer I am showing you some bikini pics with something not so sxy in the background.

It's more traditional to hide behind the pole. Hey, kids, it's brunch time so here's a brunch tip. Always tip over 20% because you're probably 100% more annoying than you think you are. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Startling Similarities And Differences Between The Democratic National Convention and "Pokémon Go"
5. Had millions transfixed on cartoonish, two-dimensional creatures.
4. Fed on nostalgia for something that seemed fresh in the mind-'90s.
3. Had people across America genuinely excited.
2. Is likely to lead you to a corspe in the bushes.
And the number startling similarity or difference between the DNC and "Pokémon Go" is...
1. Surprisingly, Bernie Sanders has learned to enjoy it.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, Logan and I were talking about how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together when he was a kid. That show sure has changed since then.

Ernie teaches Bert how to flip the bird at a racist Indian fruit stall vendor down the street.

Miss Cleo 
August 12th, 1962 — July 26th, 2016
Bet she didn't see that coming.

This is crazy. Today's guest is a singer songwriter from England whose two albums "Fuck You! I'm Keith Top of the Pops" and "TOTP2" are available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile, the one and only... Keith Top Of The Pops.

Me: Hello, Keith, welcome to the Phile. I am a big fan, so it's really cool to have you here. How are you? And are you excited to be here? 

Keith: Hi, I'm good thanks. It's been a weird couple of days, but it's all settled down now and I've just had a lovely breakfast, so let's go. 

Me: I love, love, love your album "Fuck You! I'm Keith Top of the Pops." We'll talk about that in a minute. When and where did you change your last name to a TV show? If you were an American you would be Keith Solid Gold. Haha.

Keith: Thanks very much. The name came about ages ago. My friends band Art Brut were signed to an indie label called Angular who were putting out a compilation called "Rip Off Your Labels" and they had a song called "Top Of The Pops," which was just them shouting, "ART BRUT! TOP OF THE POPS!" over and over again. They decided it would be good to have all the bands on the record come in and shout their band names over the song too. I recorded it, and edited it all together. Which is where the name comes from. It was a great day, and loads of people on that record are still friends of mine now. 

Me: "Top of the Pops" was one of my favorite shows when I lived in England, and it's no longer on, is it? For the readers that don't know, tell them what the show was. 

Keith: "Top Of The Pops" was a music programme that used to be on Thursday nights on BBC1, then they moved it to Friday. It was the only place to see live bands on the telly that wasn't late at night and they always used to have a really good mix of stuff so even if you didn't like what was on at the minute, someone you did like would be coming up soon. We would all watch it on the Friday before going out to the park to drink cider. Then Andi Peters ruined it by changing the format to include pointless celebrity gossip and other nonsense and it cancelled. I still hold a grudge against him to this day. 

Me: Do you have any fond memories of the show and did you ever go and see it live? 

Keith: I never got to see it live, as it was in London and I wasn't. The best thing about it as I said earlier was the great mix of music. As an I remember them showing a Michael Bolton video, which was a bit rubbish, and then went straight into this...

Which is amazing.   

Me: Anyway, you are from London, right? Where abouts? I was born in Balham, Gateway to the South. 

Keith: I'm not from London originally. I'm from Cheshire in the north west of England. I moved to London when I was 19 I think and lived all over. I remember I first moved into a bedsit in Canning Town in East London. Not the trendy east London, the one that's miles out from anywhere, and my parents were driving me down with all my stuff. On the way there I spotted a pub on the main road and thought, "Great. That can be my local" about two hours later after I'd moved in and said goodbye to my parents I went back to that pub to find it had been cordoned off as someone had just been shot in there. So that was my welcome to London. I live in Camden now and it's great. 

Me: You have a very impressive backing band on the album, right? What is the name of the band and who is in it with you? 

Keith: The band is called Keith Top Of The Pops & His Minor U.K. Indie Celebrity All-Star Backing Band and is made up of me, Mike Drums, Fruitbat, Eddie Argos, Jasper Future, Ian Catskillkin, Sue Denim, Dee Plume, Sarah Nixey, John Moore, Luke Haines, Simon Indelicate, Julia indelicate, Arec G Litter, Micky Ciccone, Adie Nunn, James Rocks, Vessel Tim Ten Yen, Charley Stone, David Barnett, Johnny Fade, Dave Fade, Jackie McKeown, Sara, Dyan Valdes, Keith Murray, and Chris Cain.  Most of those people play guitar on it. 

Me: All these guys don't tour and play live with you, do they? 

Keith: As many as possible. There are more members of the live band than on the album because you can drop in an out whenever you like. It's a bit like the mafia, you never really leave. There's usually about 15 of us. The way it works is I send texts to everyone saying I've got a gig booked and then whoever can make it turns up. I've done gigs with 25 people in the band, and ones that have just been me and Mike the drummer. I've had people out of the audience to play instruments too. Touring is a bit harder, but between vans, cars, and trains, usually everyone can make it. Thank god for Travelodge family rooms. 

Me: I think it's cool you have members from Carter USM, one of my favorite bands from back in the day. Are they still together? 

Keith: One of mine too. They have a nice thing now of selling out the Brixton Academy every year for two days. And then going back to doing their own things. Which I think suits them pretty well. They're playing some festivals this year too. 

Me: You are in The English Travelling Wilbury's. Who else is in that band with you? One of the Willbury's was British, or were there two Brits? 

Keith: The English Travelling Wilburys is Eddie Argos, Luke Haines, John Moore, Vessel, and me. It was meant to have the amazing Frank Sidebottom in it too. We got asked to do a BBC Radio session, which is the only gig we ever did, and we had to write the songs the day before as we didn't have any. Frank sadly got the date wrong though so couldn't make it. It's up on the internet here... Two of the original Wilburys were British. Poor old Jeff Lynne, everyone always forgets about Jeff Lynne. 

Me: Good point. Okay, let's talk about your album's. That's a pretty in-your-face title for your first album, and you are even flipping the camera off ala Johnny Cash in that famous pic. Did you have any other names of the album before you came up with the "Fuck You!" title. 

Keith: I didn't. I came up with the name in the pub for a joke, and told everybody that was what I was calling it. Once I'd told everybody I couldn't change it even if I wanted to. I also think it's a great album name so never considered changing it. 

Me: Like I said, I love the album, and have to ask you about a few songs. The first is "Two Beatles Are Dead." Tell the readers what that song is about. You couldn't of called it "Two Beatles Are Alive"? 

Keith: It's about a band from Liverpool in the sixties who became pretty famous, then two of them died. I had a man at a gig storm off and get pretty angry at the song for not "respecting the Beatles" but I challenge anyone to find me a more factually accurate song about the Beatles out there, at least for the next few years. The name is because I actually wrote it for an album called "Two Of The Beatles Have Died," which was charity album for The British Lung Foundation which you can get here which had bands covering a song by a six year old girl about the Beatles, or writing a song based on that. So it's not really my title to change. 

Me: Are you a Beatles fan, Keith? 

Keith: I am. As I say in the song, if you take disc two of the "Red" album, and disc one of the "Blue" album, you've got pretty much the best Beatles album. Although I also spent a fortune buying the remasters. So yeah, I like them. 

Me: Another song I have to ask you about is "I Hate Your Band." Is that aimed at any band in particular? 

Keith: There's a big list of bands at the end of the song that it's aimed at and it could have gone on for much MUCH longer. It's probably easier and much quicker to name the bands it's not aimed at, but I think the main one, the band that epitomises everything that's been wrong with British music in the last ten years, is The Kooks. 

Me: If I named a few bands, tell me what you think of them in one sentence. U2? 

Keith: Less of a band, more of a corporation with some songs I don't mind.

Me: The Stones? 

Keith: Responsible for some of the best albums ever. 

Me: Bon Jovi? 

Keith: Should have retired from making new music a LONG time ago but have a surprisingly good "Greatest Hits" album. 

Me: Foghat? 

Keith: Wear your Foghat with pride. 

Me: Okay, enough of that. You're based in England, but do you ever come over to the States to play? You gotta come over and play in Orlando. Ever been? 

Keith: I've played a few gigs over there. In fact my first ever gig was at the Knitting Factory in New York when I only had three songs and had to play some covers. And I played the Mercury Lounge 7 years ago I think. I went to Orlando a long time ago to Disney World, it was great. 

Me: Keith, thanks so much for being in the Phile, and I hope you will come back real soon as I am a big fan. Do you have a website you wanna plug? All the best, sir. 

Keith: is the website where you can buy my album, and many other amazing albums, or listen to them for free. Anyone can upload stuff to it and share it about. I recommend The Indelicates, and Spoiler Alert! To you to.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. I am now gonna rest. Thanks to Keith for a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Phile Alum Jennifer Mckee. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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