Thursday, July 21, 2016

Pheaturing Cosmo Jarvis

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? I wish I was as good at anything as Ted Cruz is at being unlikable. Someone erected a miniature wall around Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, referencing the Republican nominee's now famous proposition to build a border wall between the United States and Mexico. No word yet on if Mexico paid for it. The wall, which stands about 6", comes complete with tiny "keep out" signs and is topped with barbed wire. It has been sitting around the "plain star" that Trump earned for being a TV personality since early Tuesday afternoon. Supposedly the wall was created by well-known L.A. street artist Plastic Jesus. Although Plastic Jesus did not explicitly admit to creating the wall, he did upload a picture of a crowd of tourists admiring the wall on Instagram. He also is known for making a lot anti-Trump paraphernalia. Or maybe Trump made the wall himself. After all, it is on scale with his tiny hands.
Jon Gosselin of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" has a new gig that is a bit different from being the star of a huge reality TV show. According to "US Weekly," a "passion for cooking" has landed the father of eight a job as a cook at a T.G.I. Friday's in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Gosselin, who says he primarily works as a DJ, disclosed that he works at the restaurant for about eight hours a week "just for fun", and insists he doesn't need the extra cash. "I don’t need the money… DJ-ing is still my real job." He also told "US Weekly" that DJing is "going amazing" and that he donates his checks from T.G.I. Friday's to charity. Oh by the way, a place where Gosselin often DJ's is T.G.I. Friday's.When asked if any of his eight children have ever come to visit him on the job, he responded, “I don’t want to mix that. I’m trying to make their lives as normal as possible.” I mean, eating at a T.G.I. Friday's is pretty much as normal as it gets. If you wanted to keep their lives as normal as possible, you probably shouldn't have turned their childhoods into a reality television show and publicly divorced their mother as cheating allegations surfaced in the tabloids, but okay.
Hillary Clinton pulled a Kim Kardashian (don't worry, it's not a naked selfie... yet) by posting a video on Snapchat that shows Chris Christie contradicting himself. The Augustus Gloop in charge of New Jersey gave a fiery speech at the RNC calling for Hillary to be jailed and leading a chant of "Lock her up!" Well, much like how Taylor Swift was privately chill with Kanye over "Famous," Christie physically embraced Hillary in a way that would make Kanye rap "I think Christie and Hillary still might have sex." Christie certainly does not interact with Hillary as if he believes her to be guilty of a litany of crimes, thinks her persona is "a sham," and thinks she's an Al Qaeda apologist. Sure, a hug is not as explosive as Taylor Swift approving the lyric. But of milking fury and going crazy with hyperbole at the RNC: is Christie guilty or not guilty? The Clinton campaign taking a page from Kim Kardashian's book: this is politics now.
All that "Pokémon Go" making you horny? There's an app for that. Introducing "PokéDates," an app that will set you up with a fellow Pokémon trainer who would love to meet up with you and stare at your respective phones in public. Project Fixup is already a dating site that assigns a specialist to take into account all your hopes, dreams, and important height requirements and sets you up on themed dates. Now they've added a new theme, "PokéDates." There's no back and forth messaging and no swiping; they just get your schedule and assign you a date and a PokeStop meeting place so you can save all that finger action for the PokéBalls.Usually these dates cost $20 a pop, but your first PokéDate is free. After that, you'll just have to hang out at PokéStops and try to crash someone else's date.
Every four years, the world's greatest athletes come together to compete in the Olympic games, and apparently, also have a lot of sex with each other. According to the "New York Post," 450,000 condoms and 175,000 packets of lube will be distributed to the athletes competing over the course of the 17-day long Olympic games in Rio. And 350,000 of the condoms will be given to male athletes while the remaining 100,000 will be given to women. This is the first time in the history of the Olympics that females will be given free condoms. Finally. Girls want to have sex, too. And while distributing condoms to athletes is nothing new, this year the quantity of condoms is a new record, and has nearly tripled since the 2012 London games, when 150,000 condoms were provided. The tradition began in Seoul in 1988, when 8,500 condoms were given to Olympians. So yes, nearly a half million condoms is definitely a bit excessive, especially because there are only 10,500 athletes competing, but apparently Olympians have quite the reputation for humping non-stop in their off time. Metro reported that U.S. target shooter Josh Lakatos said of his time at the games, “I’d never witnessed the debauchery seen at Sydney 2000 in my entire life. My apartment in the Olympic Village was like a brothel." U.S. women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo had a similar experience while competing in the 2008 Beijing Olympics, “There’s a lot of sex going on at the Olympics. I’ve seen people having sex out in the open, getting down and dirty on grass between buildings.” Ew. Well, as much is to be expected when you confine a bunch of hot, in-shape people to one small place. It is like an adult version of summer camp. Plus, with the looming threat of the Zika virus being a concern in Brazil, organizers definitely want to avoid a potential outbreak of any other kind, ifyaknowwhatimean. Between competing in the games and having enough condoms to have sex 2-3 times a day, how the hell do these people have time to do anything else? Well, despite the giving people enough condoms to have more sex in 17-days than most of us will have all year, we will see how many athletes chose to use them. If there are any genetically-gifted babies being born in nine months, we will know that some of those 450,000 condoms went to waste.
So, I mentioned "Pokémon Go"... and as I said the last few entries, some people are cashing in on the craze. For example... This indie clothing store manager who offers Pokéballs AND some cute threads.

A lot of people think Pokémon is a Japanese creation, but it's originally from Britain. I would know. Haha. You can also tell from the names of the characters.

Arse Badger. Hahaha. I amuse myself. So, are you fans of Eric Clapton? I am but I am surprised by his new look...

What is this? Clapton Kangaroo? So, it's summer and it's time to show a pic of a woman wearing a bikini... with something not so sexy in the background.

This guy's got a thing for sand boobs. Haha. So, I expected Trump to do something funny at the convention like ride a rhino to it... like Obama did. You remember that, right?

Hahaha. I crack myself up. San Diego Comic Con is happening right now and this is the new logo...

Agghhhhh!!!!! Well, it's Thursday and you know what that means...

The Black Dahlia... I am so sorry, kids. Moving on...

Garry Marshall 
November 13th, 1934 — July 19th, 2016
Sunday, Monday happy days! Tuesday... Oh. Shit.

if you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, so, my son and I were talking how he and I used to watch "Sesame Street" together. watching it now, it doesn't seem like the same show. That's why I have a pheature called...

They had brought heaps of cyanide laced cooked to the party, and all the children ate them. In a few hours, they wold be no youth left to plague the world with their "selfies" and "Ugg boots" and "pumpkin spiced latte." Ernie and Bert were both so happy that they decided to cheer their plan with two cookies left off a plate sitting at the reserve table. Oops.

There are few things in the world more uncomfortable than this air kiss Donald Trump gave to Mike Pence at the RNC yesterday.

Oh. My. God.Well after allegations that Trump was unsure about his VP pick, this kiss definitely proves that he is super fond of Pence. Right? Politics hasn't seen a kiss this awkward since…

Republican Party
The Republican Party is a U.S. political party that favors a conservative fiscal state, limited government, and a strong national defense against 21st century ideals.

Today's guest is an English singer-songwriter, actor and filmmaker whose album "Os the World Strange or Am I?" is available on iTunes and is great! Please welcome to the Phile... Cosmo Jarvis.

Me: Cosmo, hello, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Cosmo: Hi, thank you for asking. If by "you" you mean my state emotionally... or my state generally, then I would have to answer; I don't know. I feel that "how are you?" is an impossible question to answer honestly and objectively. It can only be answered subjectively and so, dishonestly... Unless you think that the truth as perceived and expressed by an individual can ever really be what the perfect definition of truth is. Hell knows. Either way I guess you'd like my opinion on the matter and so without furthering this pointless paragraph I’ll just say that next to Amy Winehouse, I'm just fine!

Me: Ummm... okay. That's a very interesting first name, Cosmo. You don't hear that name to often. What are your middle names if you don't mind me asking?

Cosmo: Cosmo is technically a middle name, although I have gone by it since birth, unless it’s my mother calling me Eshek Shoon which is Armenian for asshole dog. Full name is Harrison Cosmo Krikoryan Jarvis. The Harrison is from Mr. Ford.

Me: Cool. Where are you from, sir?

Cosmo: Born in U.S., raised in U.K. by U.S. TV.

Me: Ahhh. I thought you were from England. You do live in Devon now, right? Is that Devon, England? I went there on holiday when I was a teenager living in England. It's beautiful there. I remember there were sheep everywhere.

Cosmo: There is a vegetable salesmen whose name I will not say. He operates his business out of a small village in Devon. He has had sexual intercourse with sheep. It can be nice here but it can also be full of morons and small minded fools, but I guess so can anywhere.

Me: Okay, let's talk about you, Cosmo. You are a singer, songwriter, actor, director, composer, and producer just to name a few. What is our number one thing you like to do?

Cosmo: Plan the next thing to do. I just like all acting, film-making and music making the same.

Me: You're only 26, right? When I was 21 I was a lazy bastard working at Epcot. How did you do so many freakin' things at such a young age? What were you, like three, when you wrote your first song?

Cosmo: No, I was always into music when I was very young and started out by playing the piano. A lot. My dad got me into a bunch of diverse shit like Zappa and Rachmaninoff and Bonzo Dog Band and all kinds of shit, then when puberty hit and I was freak in school who hated school and we moved house I just locked myself away and started to learn how to make recordings digitally, and learned other instruments too. It seemed like it even if it didn't amount to anything it would still be worth more to me than being shat out of education and into some job I’d never get or hold if I did. Sometimes fallback plans fall on you, then you get stuck.

Me: What was your first song you have ever written, do you remember the title?

Cosmo: I was like 12 and It was called "Beautiful Lie," it sucked. Pretentious, bad poetry. I remember though that Beyonce and Shakira did a song called "Beautiful Liar" not too long ago. I was pissed off but my brother said I was being an asshole, I get that a lot.

Me: You are impressive, my friend. Even Brian Eno said nice things about you. How did that happen? Did you meet and work with Eno or is just a fan?

Cosmo: I don't know I've never met him, but I'd like too. I guess he just heard it and liked it. I'd love to work with him. But apparently it isn't worth too damn much if someone who contributed to some pretty radical creative ideas in music history rates the work of a hack musician, it’s gotta be someone in the game that bigs you up. Someone with good skin (not that Mr. Eno doesn’t), someone who goes to the club, someone who has a good single that sells and then makes damn sure the next single sounds the same to guarantee the market they established with the first single stays loyal. Someone trendy.

Me: You also wrote and directed some short films. How many did you make? Was Alley Way one of them? Who is Alley Way?

Cosmo: I have done over 20 I guess, shorts. Of course they are all of various qualities and content. They are mostly on my YouTube but I’ve been taking a lot of them down for a while because the deluxe version of my album "Is the World Strange Or Am I Strange?' comes with a free DVD with 18 of them which are the final cuts. See, I always rush to upload my stuff and often I leave to much in... Any way the final cuts are much better. The Alley Way was a film I made from the point of view of a senile old man who makes himself feel special in his old age by convincing himself that he is the only person who ever walks through a certain alley way. He conjures far fetched and bizarre explanations for the appearance and state of the alley way. It was selected as part of the midnight shorts category at SXSW festival in Texas 2010. That was cool, because of that film I got an IMDB profile, little things like that make you feel like you’re not just jerking off. I’ve got a feature film called The Naughty Room...

Me: I listened to your album "Is the World Strange Or Am I Strange?" and really like it. And to answer, the world is strange. This is your second album, right? I downloaded your other album from iTunes.

Cosmo: Yes, it’s much shorter than the first album though because I insisted on having a double album debut to ditch some back catalog. This was a bad decision. It confused the market apparently... too much information. The new one is of average length. I really don't know what people will think. 

Me: Your video for the song "Gay Pirates" got over 300,000 hits on Youtube. That's impressive. I was thinking that song was about Captain Jack Sparrow... LOL. What made you decide to write a song about gay pirates?

Cosmo: I wanted to try and write a story to seem like it was derived from something that happened a long time ago and to make it legitimate. Anything in history when referred to from the present gives it a validation. And everyone likes pirates. They are supposed to be these big manly mother fuckers at sea who can withstand anything, live on maggot infested cookies, and so I thought: what if one of them was gay? Also, the isolation that the two men have on the boat. You’re on the boat with people who hate you because of your sexuality. The only thing that’s keeping you alive, your will to live, is this other pirate who he loves. The whole thing was a futile battle. The only way they’ll ever be together is by walking the plank. Just wanted to write a proper love song about some gay guys without the fact they are gay being a novelty.

Me: Another song on the album is "Sure As Hell Not Jesus"... that's not a religious song as such, is it? What is that song about?

Cosmo: It’s about relying too much on a partner/friend and resenting the fact that you do because you know deep down you reliance on them only makes you weaker. The chorus, however, praises that relationship and its strength and the good that comes from it. I just sometimes wonder how some people can worship a god or whatever when real encounters and relationships (not sexual ones) with humans can offer so much more in terms of clarity, therapy, advice and all around help than a God ever could. Why don't people give each other a little credit once in a while?

Me: Cosmo, I am a huge fan, and really like your music, and the different styles you use. Who are your main influences and idols?

Cosmo: Tom Waits, Less Than Jake, Joni Mitchel, Grateful Dead, Zappa, Beatles, Soggy Bottom Boys, Clutch, S.O.A.D, Incubus, Santana (old), Stones, Eminem, K.J. Sawka, Mad Dog Mcrea, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Jerry Douglas, Arlo Guthrie, Alien Ant Farm, Kinks, Allman Brothers Band, Johnny Cash, Nico, Lou Reed... Everything man.

Me: And if you could write and record with anyone in the world who would you pick?

Cosmo: Kesha, for various reasons.

Me: Cosmo, go ahead and plug your website and I hope you can come back on the Phile soon. Thanks again, and take care.

Cosmo:, thanks!!!!!

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Cosmo Jarvis for a great interview. The Phile will be back next Tuesday with Brett Anderson from Ha Ha Tonka. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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