Friday, December 5, 2008

You Sleigh Me!


you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the most updated blog on the internet. Happy Holidays, I am your host, Jason the Christmas Ass. Man, I can't believe it's 20 days to Christmas, or as I like to call it, 20 days until I get a shit load of DVD's. Jen and Logan are out and I was told the Sod guy is coming over. I thought I was the Sod guy. Only British readers probably got that joke... how little of a joke it was. Britney Spears turned 27 on the 2nd. That’s almost grandmother age for the Spearses. “Britney Spears” were the most-searched words of the year on Yahoo!, followed by “World Wrestling Federation,” and in third place, “Barack Obama.” I think the lesson here is that Americans are not responsible enough to be using computers. The Peverett Phile wasn't even in the top 100! Yahoo! also reported the top 10 searches by Britney Spears. No. 1 was “Where do babies keep coming from?” President Bush and Laura are looking for a new place to move into. God, I hope they don't move to Groveland. And now for some jokes from Jay Leno as I am too lazy to write my own: The big rumor is that Bill Clinton could be a possible replacement for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat when she becomes secretary of state. I believe this would be the first time Bill has ever shown any interest in Hillary's seat. So, you go from a Clinton in pantsuits to a Clinton who drops his suit pants. Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush said in a recent interview that Republicans cannot be the “old white-guy party.” I believe he made this statement at the National Shuffleboard Convention in Boca Raton, Fla. President Bush gave an interview to ABC News. Bush said he wished "the intelligence on Iraq had been different." Hey — how many wish the intelligence in the White House had been different? 


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Things Overheard During The Pilgrims' First Thanksgiving Day Parade 
10. "This will never catch on"
9. "I almost forgot to buckle my hat this morning"
8. "This bald eagle is delicious"
7. "Parades are immoral. Floats are immoral. Thanksgiving is immoral"
6. "Crap, we forgot the helium back in England"
5. "Who the hell is Underdog?"
4. "Those balloons must be witchcraft!"
3. "Oh look! Here come the Plymouth Rock-ettes!"
2. "Let's have a nice hand for this year's Grand Marshal, John McCain"
And the number one thing overheard during the Pilgrim' first Thanksgiving Day Parade was...
1. "Your float sucketh"


Odetta: Someone's toast, my Lord, Cumbaya ...


From Martin County Sheriff's Office deputies arrested a man who threw hot sweet potato pie in his girlfriend's face on Thanksgiving because he didn't like the food, according to a Sheriff's Office report. On Thanksgiving, Christopher Ford, 46, went to his home on the 8400 block of Southeast Fern Street. When he got home he asked for something to eat, according to the report. But Ford was upset with the meal his girlfriend fixed for him and they got into an argument in the kitchen. While arguing, Ford picked up the sweet potato pie his girlfriend had recently removed from the oven and slammed it into her face, according to the report. Ford ran outside the rear door of the residence when the woman's three teenagers went into the kitchen to see what the ruckus was and saw their mom with pie on her face, according to the report. After deputies arrived, the victim was transported to Martin Memorial Hospital South to treat the burns and blisters on her neck from the hot pie, according to the report. Later that night deputies found and arrested Ford. He was charged with domestic battery and was released on a $5,000 on Friday, said Rhonda Irons, the Martin County Sheriff's Office spokesperson.


Yes, this push-pop made of "Macaroni & Cheese in Chili Sauce With Beef" is very real, part of a "convenience meets nausea" movement to provide your favorite foods on the go in a microwaveable, cardboard tube. Scrambled eggs are also available. Here's a tip for all you potential consumers: if you want macaroni and cheese so badly that you're willing to eat it in a push pop, you have an illness and need to reach out to a professional.


The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot when it came to counting money and adding up figures. 
“Where did you get your financial education?” he asks.
“Yale,” replies the lad.
“And what’s your name?” asks the manager.
“Yim Yohnston.”


Thanks to a long weekend, not even that old bastard Andy Rooney complaining about prices and delaying "The Amazing Race 13" could affect my mood Sunday night, although he was preceded on "60 Minutes" by Anderson Cooper interviewing Michael Phelps, a segment that was vaguely reminiscent of Anderson’s time on The Mole, particularly when he joked that Phelps had let himself go by gaining weight, or when Coop actually got into the pool and raced Phelps (really). As to the actual episode, there’s just one left after last night’s, and it should be interesting considering how most of the teams seem worn out. I assume that fatigue has just set in, or else they’ve all been really great at concealing their stupidity so far. Andrew said making the final three “a miracle,” but at first the universe seemed to communicate that they were screwed. The best sign came when Andrew and Dan were trying to hail a cab and got soaked when a truck drove through a puddle. “It was just a matter of when and how much water was going to be doused on us,” Dan said, ever the crankypants optimist. Tina instructed Ken to “ask [the cab driver] if he could smoke later.” Ken said, “Just let the man smoke.” Translation: “Leave me alone, woman, or I’m going to open the cab door and drag my ear along the ground until it grinds away my flesh and destroys my ear drum so I can no longer hear your attempts to control me.” “I paid a lot of money for his education, but I’m not sure he’ll know how to tell the difference” between Stalin and Lenin, Dallas’ mom Toni said while he completed a task. I’m not sure where he went to school, but I’d hope that they had a lesson on Comparing Words to See if They Match, since both the clues and the statue had the men’s names in Cyrillic.
The first sign that Nick was a little tired—besides the fact that he was wearing his own shirt this week, unlike last week, a detail I missed because I often look away when they’re on screen—came when he ran up to his clapping sister (who was saying, “Good job, good job”) and asked, “This is it?” Other context clues he missed: the other waiting team members, and, oh, the clue box. Stupidity is apparently contagious, as in the car, Starr asked Nick about the clue, which said to find someone with a Shetland pony. “Like a horse pony? Or do they mean a ponytail?” she asked. “She probably doesn’t want me to be her son anymore,” Dallas said while he failed miserably at the statue-counting Roadblock. Um, what would she want you to be instead? (And that’s the last incest joke of the season!) Dallas screwed up beyond taking forever on the Roadblock, however. He told us, “As I was getting out, I realized that my bag with my passport and all the money was in the taxi that I had taken. That’s when I started getting extremely nervous and realize I had no money and was in big trouble.” Hmm, “extremely nervous” and “in big trouble” seem to undersell the fact that you totally fucked your team. Forget the money: no passports? Waiting in line at the embassy for an emergency passport wouldn’t exactly propel you to first place. Although the race has completely eliminated the need for non-eliminated teams to shamefully beg for money from people in other countries while in a $1 million contest, Dallas and Toni’s lack of cash meant that they were left to beg strangers for cash.
Andrew and Dan had to perform a dance for their Speedbump task, which I refuse to believe wasn’t created just for them because Dan, of course, can’t move his body in any rhythmic way. Alas, it wasn’t anywhere near as comical as his attempt at walking last week. Nick and Starr placed first for the sixth time (out of 10 legs) and won yet another Travelocity vacation. They’re going to be seeing a lot of that damn gnome. Dan had to hold up his shorts while running to the mat. Maybe he left his belt behind with his shoes? Still, he and Andrew made it to the final three, checking in second. Miracles do happen, apparently, or God just hates all of us.
“You need to go get the clue that tells you to come to the mat,” Phil and his eyebrow told Ken and Tina, who suddenly, conveniently forgot that they were looking for a clue when they spotted Andrew and Dan running to the mat. Tina gave Phil a confused, hurt look, which did not work on our host. Phil did an off-mat Philimination for Dallas and Toni, who were still begging their way around Moscow, so he popped out of a door and surprised them with the news that the race was over for them—and almost over for us. 

Update: Dallas and Toni Imbimbo, who were eliminated from "The Amazing Race 13" on Sunday’s episode, missed the finale as a result. In other words, they won’t be standing near the final mat to cheer on the final three teams. First, however, after flirting with her relentlessly on the race, Dallas is still dating Starr Spangler, although it’s a long-distance relationship as they live on opposite coasts. “We’ve been dating for a while now, about six months. We’re taking it one day at a time,” Dallas told Fancast. As to his colossal screw-up in the final episode that essentially cost them the race, Dallas says his passport and money were lost because production needed to change his mic’s battery, and he had to change cabs; in the confusion, his stuff was lost. “What happened was I had to do a microphone battery change. I was in the cab for about an hour. The driver didn’t know where he was going. I said, ‘I need a new taxi.’ So, as I was getting out to do the microphone change [the Amazing Race staff] undid my fanny pack with all my stuff in it because they had to get to the microphone. When I got out of the first taxi, it wasn’t attached to me anymore. I hopped into a new taxi, took that to where I needed to be and then went to pay. I didn’t have any money. That’s when I realized I’d left it in the previous taxi.” Ultimately, though, he still left it behind. Dallas said that he actually was in three taxis, and that the editing misrepresented what happened. “They made it look like the taxi with my pack drove away and I just watched it and waved goodbye. That was far from the case,” Dallas said. As he explained to Reality TV World, Dallas “got out and flagged down a new taxi, got a new taxi and went in there for about 20-30 minutes and finally had them take me to somewhere I knew. When I got there that’s when I realized I didn’t have the bag with me and my passport and my money was long gone. They made it look like [the cab] was right there and I could run after it but that’s not true. If it was anywhere near there I would’ve caught up to it, I don’t care if it was three miles down the road I woulda ran after it. But I had no chance of finding it,” he said. Ultimately, Dallas says his “passport was turned in to the U.S. Embassy, so I was actually [able to] get home. I wasn’t able to make it for the finale, but we finally got back later, luckily not too much later than everybody else.”


Well, that was a whole lot of hullabaloo about nothing. Can I say that I'm really enjoying Hiro these last couple of episodes? Maybe all he needed was to be a 10-year old boy. In fact, I wasn't too terribly annoyed by anyone in this episode ... except for Mohinder. Come on, dude. Let it go. Do you really think she's still going to be interested after everything that went down?
You just know that Seth Green and Breckin Meyer were just geeking out about getting a role on this show. In fact, we need more "Heroes" sketches on "Robot Chicken". Now there's no excuses. As for the rest, the eclipse came and went and all those huge promises about what a big freaking deal this would turn out to be were for naught. Their powers disappeared when the eclipse came. What happened when it left? Their powers came back. In fact, everything went right back to the way it was, and it was pretty damned obvious how it was going to play out. Of course Claire would die just before the eclipse ended. Of course, HRG would "kill" Sylar just before the eclipse ended. That way when it was over and their powers came back no one will have died. In fact, the only casualties of the whole eclipse situation were The Haitian II: The God Complex and Elle. And both of those were just too obvious. If only Sylar had Matt's ability, he could have read Elle's mind and found out if HRG was lying. Not sure why he did his head slice thing, though. He already has her abilities and knows how to get them without killing. Just has to put his signature move on. He's like the Hulkster in that. Just think of it as his leg drop. I guess all of this was so that we could set up Gabriel/Sylar to become the ultimate villain again, because he's just so good at being bad. But now we can sympathize with him a little bit ... I guess. Now that HRG has stirred up his mommy and daddy issues even more, he's going to have to become another psychopathic monster to cope. Maybe he can be Matt Parkman's brother next. "Daddy locked me in a mind room. That's why I kill." Get over it, man. We've all been through some crap in our lives. We came so close to getting rid of Claire Bennett, but not so fast! She'll never die, and now Papa Petrelli wants her. Kudos to Hiro for the most entertaining moment of the night when he popped into the Bennett household, grabbed Sylar and said "Bad man" in Japanese, wisking him away to some beach somewhere so he could kill Elle and free Kristen Bell to do whatever she has next on her plate. I like the Matt and Daphne love connection as much as the next guy, but that story was really going nowhere. And that moment when her dad came out on the porch and hugged her was about the most awkward thing I've seen. He looked like he was either going to fall on her or pounce on her when he came out and then they embraced like to bears about to fight. Very odd. This show keeps killing off its hot chicks, except for Hayden Panattiere and Ali Larter. You need to cast some damn hotties and keep them around. Hayden and Ali's characters don't do it for me anymore. I liked Elle. Okay, Maya's still around (nice cameo tonight), but she's useless as a character, too. Having that comic book problem of coming up with good strong female characters that aren't just sex kittens? Only two chapters left in this volume. Will they really come through on any of their promises of changing everything, or will it be another disappointing ending? You know, that's a lot like comics too. Great setups and disappointment in the end. Maybe that's what they're going for. Good job, then!


Superhero movies are like Lay's potato chips (it is Lay's, isn't it?) -- you can never have just one. JoBlo caught up with Will Smith during his press rounds for Seven Pounds, and asked him if we would ever see any more of his reformed superhero, Hancock. The answer? "Definitely."
In fact, Smith is uninterested in ever playing another superhero because there's enough franchise potential in this one. He told JoBlo that there's plenty of unexplored characters in Hancock's universe that would be ripe for a sequel -- and that we'll find out who they are in an eventual sequel. It's not expected for a few years, which is puzzling. It did well at the box office, but it wasn't particularly memorable. In two or three years, will anyone actually remember Hancock enough to flock to a sequel? Won't their brains be overloaded with all those Marvel and DC movies? Shouldn't Peter Berg and Smith while the iron is relatively hot? Then again, we are talking Smith. He's the King of Summer. The iron is always hot. Audiences will probably flock to see him whether or not they remember the original film or not. Let's turn it over to you guys -- are you up for a Hancock sequel? Do you see the unexplored characters and potential that could keep Hancock competing with Marvel and DC for years to come? Or was he just a summer one-shot? Me, on the other hand, cannot wait to see a sequel.


There you have it, pholks, another entry of the Phile. The next entry will be tomorrow. What? Tomorrow you ask? Why? Well, starting tomorrow is the first of the brand spankin' new Peverett Phile Interviews. Yes, that's right, every Saturday I will be posting an interview I actually did. The phirst interview is with Jill Wagner. Who is Jill Wagner? Well, just read the Phile tomorrow to find out. Then the next regular update will be on the 12th of December with the second interview on the 13th. So, if there was anytime to spread the word, not the turd, the time is now. The Phile is going to get bigger and better then ever before. And just wait until 2009, phans. Oh, boy. 

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