Friday, November 28, 2008

I Only Support Gay Marriage If Both Chicks Are Hot

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, back from vacation after two weeks. How was your Thanksgiving? Did you grab your cell phone, wait until you can use your free night time minutes, call your parents, put them on speaker, gather your kids around the table, and dug into your delicious Thanksgiving Whopper. Happy New Depression! So, for vacation we went to California. The first few nights we stayed at Disneyland before we realized wait a minute, we live near and I work at Disney, so what are we doing here, and moved to Hollywood. Okay, that's a lie, I almost punched out a lifeguard, then we moved to Hollywood. In Hollywood we stayed at the Beverly Hills Hotel in a bungalow none-the-less. I could never stay in a Marriott fucking Courtyard or Holiday Inn again. There were a few celebrities spotted: Martina... whatever the lesbian tennis player's last name is, Stanley Tucci and Jamie Foxx. Oh, and myself when I looked in the mirror. We ate a few times at the Polo Lounge which was mint, with a large hole in the middle. Only English readers would get that joke by the way. While we were in California, there was bad news for any gay Californians (i.e. all of them) who want to get married: Proposition 8, a proposal banning same-sex marriage, was recently approved. As if that wasn't bad enough, there's even more bad news for gay Californians: you're fucking gay! Ann Dunwoody, an Army lieutenant general, has become the first woman in US history to become a four-star general. I know you're curious, so I'll tell you. One star for cooking, one for cleaning, one for birthin', and one for foot massaging. Congratulations, Ann. Keep reaching for that glass ceiling, ladies! But mop the floor first. Today is Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year, and with Christmas just a few weeks away, stores are gearing up for the upcoming shopping season. And the hot toy for this Christmas season is: your child's imagination! Sorry, Little Billy, but it looks like Santa forgot to protect daddy's 401K. In case you didn’t hear, the economy is having a going-out-of-business sale right now. The Dow is now dropping so frequently, they’ve decided to add an “n” at the end of it for “down” and just call it a day.  That movie Twilight is out, which is not to be confused with my movie, Twit. According to statistics, Mexican emigration to the United States has dropped 42 percent over the last four years. You have to hand it to President Bush. He knew the way to stop people from sneaking in was not to build a fence, it was to make this country very undesirable. Most of the illegal immigrants came here to make money, but now we don’t have any money. That’s bad news for Los Angeles, though. If this trend continues, we may be forced to start raising our own kids. Barack Obama announced his economic team, and President Bush is working closely with him. Obama says the team has many obstacles to overcome — the biggest one being that President Bush is working with them. Joe Biden’s replacement in the Senate has been picked. That’s a pretty big mouth to fill. The astronauts are busy installing a machine that converts urine into drinking water. Is the economy really that bad?  Hey, did you see that new balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade: the John McCain balloon — it never gets off the ground.


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's to ten list.
Top Ten Signs the Guy You're Dating is James Bond 
10. Instead of breakng up with you, he ejects you.
9. He yells out another girl's codename in bed.
8. He has an unusual fear of round hats.
7. Turns into a completely different guy after three or four dates.
6. He receives a ticket for carrying an expired license to kill. 
5. Breakfast? Vodka martini.
4. He can drop his pants and fire a rocket!
3. Insists on using his "special gadgets" in the bedroom.
2. Tells you for chafing try Bond, Gold Bond.
And the number one sign the guy you're dating is James Bond...
1. Tries to show you his Goldfinger.


Preacher Roe: Amen.
Herb Score: Final.
Mitch Mitchell: Looks like they finally got the old band back together.
Pete Newell: In the final days, he was quite the dribbler himself.
William Gibson: You want a miracle? How about the fact that they guy smoked cigars constantly from the time he was 15, and lived to be 94?


A Fort Pierce man faces a domestic-battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich. Police said 19-year-old Emmanuelle Rodriguez was riding with his girlfriend on Friday when he became angry as she drove and hit her in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off. The victim nearly lost control of the car because she couldn't see the road and Rodriguez then ripped off the rear-view mirror and used it to shatter the windshield, police said. Rodriguez is free on $7,500 bail. Police haven't said what type of sandwich was involved. 


A fire at the sleazy Cocoanut Grove nightclub, Boston, kills 491 people. Flammable artificial palm trees aided the spread of the fire. The numerous dead were crushed, burnt, and asphyxiated, all within minutes.
Frank Olson, government scientist, jumps to his death from the Statler Hotel in New York City. In 1975 it is revealed that Olson had been administered LSD by Dr. Sidney Gottlieb in a CIA experiment.
A drunk Natalie Wood topples off her yacht near Catalina Island and drowns. Her husband Robert Wagner, and melodramatic friend Christopher Walken, were onboard and unaware of her predicament, apparently having some sort of argument in the cabin.
Homosexual cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer beaten to death with a broomstick by inmate Christopher Scarver while cleaning the prison bathroom. Dahmer's brain was to be preserved in formaldehyde at the request of Mom, but a court ordered its destruction in late 1995.


Q: What's the difference between a professional cornhusker with epilepsy and a prostitute with dysentery? A: We,, one shucks between fits...
Q: Why doesn't Mrs. Claus have any children? A: Because Santa only comes once a year, and then it's down a chimney.
Q: How many midgets does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Midgets don't use light bulbs; they have night vision.


Insane Versions of Thanksgiving Around the World
We all know and love Thanksgiving, our happy way to celebrate the subjugation and destruction of a race of indigenous peoples via eating turkey and mashed potatoes. But underneath all the stories, Thanksgiving is just America's own brand of weird brand of harvest holiday. And, just in case you thought we were the only peoples world wide who enjoyed such things, behold the other, much more awesome harvest fests that our international friends enjoy, like...
Sankranthi: Our foolish Western Thanksgiving has nothing on Sankranthi and never will until the day we stop eating the turkeys and start dressing them up like stereotypically flamboyant homosexuals. That's what Indians do with cows during this festival that celebrates the beginning of their harvest season. In order to celebrate the new growing season in an "Out with the old, In with the new" attitude, womenfolk cook up a pantload of sugary goodies while every piece of old shit you own is tossed on a fire to teach it a lesson for getting old and useless. So if you value sugar cookies more than all of your material possessions and grandparents, you might have a new favorite holiday in Sankranthi. You also have some pretty profound mental issues that should probably be dealt with. Cows and bulls are decorated to look about as tacky as livestock can ever hope to look and are paraded from house to house where they are forced to "demonstrate their skills." Since the only real "skills" we've noticed in cows involve "eating," "farting" and "being delicious," we can't imagine this ceremony is at all interesting. To further demonstrate their boundless awesomeness, once the sun goes down bonfires are lit and the cows are forced to jump over them. This may seem strange, but you have to remember that cows are sacred, and not to be eaten. If we couldn't eat cows, we'd probably make them do some pretty weird shit too.
Holi: Like any good festival to celebrate the harvesting of the summer crop, Holi traces its roots back to a demon king. This particular demon, angry at his son for worshipping Vishnu, tried to set him on fire and instead burned his sister. Presumably, everyone in attendance stared at the floor in an awkward silence until some enterprising young soul said "Welp, might as well party." Thus, Holi was born. Nowadays, various peoples in India, Nepal and elsewhere celebrate Holi, the Festival of Colors, by hanging pots of buttermilk above the street so that children can form human pyramids to try to break them. Lest you think it's as simple as that, it should be noted that girls will also be throwing colored water at them at the same time. It's sort of like a wet t-shirt contest, but with children, and the water is full of dangerous chemicals, and everybody loses. That's part of what makes Holi the Festival of Colors, the prevalence of colored waters, pastes and powders which regular folks just seem to toss at each other all willy nilly. And while it only seems like a minor annoyance to have someone throw a pot of red or blue water on you, when you factor in that some of the ingredients used in the modern colors (like asbestos) can cause renal failure, blindness and various cancers, it hardly seems worth it to bust open a pot of buttermilk and be named the King of Holi.
Green Corn Festival: This cleverly named festival was and is observed by various American Indian tribes to celebrate the ripening of a new crop of corn (or, as they called it, "maize"). The festival marks a renewal of things and past offenses are forgiven, with the exception of things like rape, murder and attending Wayans brothers movies, all of which are banishable offenses in the eyes of the Green Corn Festival (or, "Green Maize Festival"). These American Indians celebrate autumn a little bit differently than we do. While we feast like epic fatties and let our children pick pumpkins and run around the corn maze (or, Maize Maze), the village's men-folk traditionally start a fast on the first night of the festival and then maybe some do ceremonial blood-letting on the next day, so they'll be nice and miserable. For the party. This is carried out by raking thorn covered sticks down their backs or, if they were feeling particularly festive, snake fangs embedded in a wooden holder. A major part of the festival involves drinking something called the Black Drink after the fast, a tea made from ilex vomitoria. If you don't know what "ilex" and "oria" mean, that's fine- you still probably have a pretty good idea for what this drink does. The idea was to drink the tea then spray the remaining contents of your stomach across the ground in an effort to purify yourself of sins. Maybe we're just corny (maizey), but we'd prefer sitting around a table with our family to wandering around puking on a bunch of strangers and beating the shit out of ourselves any day of the week.


As of last Sunday, we’re down to just four teams and three episodes left on "The Amazing Race 13", and that means just one thing: it’s time for the teams to get stupider. Starr made Nick a t-shirt that said “today is my birthday.” Thanks for the t-shirt that’s wearable only one day out of the year! Guess which team this super-creepy statement came from? (Hint: It’s not Nick and Starr, Andrew and Dan, or Ken and Tina.) “She’s the number-one person in my life, and I want her to know that I’ll do anything it takes to win this race for her.” Starr said Dallas is “a pretty incredible man.” Nick apparently thinks so, too: “Starr’s romantic history has been riddled with guys who take the back seat to Starr’s forceful nature, and I think Dallas is the kind of guy that can hold is own with her.” If you say so, Nick. The frat boys idiotically left their shoes behind during the last leg of the race, so they were wearing slippers; “we jacked them from the maid,” one of them said. Even if they just got slippers, isn’t that still illegal? Incredibly, there was a 24 hour shoe store in the airport. In Kazakhstan. Some people accuse producers of interfering to create drama, and I’m going to call bullshit on this one: I’m pretty sure a team of interns came in overnight and set up that shoe store, and then set exorbitantly high prices for ugly shoes to maximize the drama during the rest of the leg. Every time Ken blows his cab/rape whistle, I can’t help but laugh, and I don’t know why. In Moscow, Starr asked the cab driver, “Do you speak English?” The cab driver said no in Russian, and shook his head vigorously. Starr immediately said, “Okay, here’s where we’re going.” Nick said, “Do you know where this is?” Starr continually issued commands and asked questions in English, and said things like “can’t understand you!” even after she admitted, “our driver does not speak any English.” I get how frustrating it can be to try to speak with someone who speaks a different language, but they didn’t appear to try non-verbal communication or anything else. I think it maybe Nick and Starr who don’t understand English, because “does not speak any English” means that he DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING YOU SAY TO HIM IN ENGLISH. Zhopa! Tina wanted to change into a military uniform in private, asking, “have to get naked in front of everybody?” Ken said, “You have nothing under there?” “Nuh-uh,” she replied. Way to be prepared.
Dan and Andrew may be the worst clue-reading team in race history. Andrew couldn’t get his sock substitute on, so they decided to switch Detour tasks—and even though the uniform was a required part of both tasks, they changed out of their clothes. Then they had to come back and put their uniforms back on. To their credit, they realize how stupid they’re being. “Dan and I have made more dumb mistakes,” Andrew said. “A compilation video needs to be made of all our mistakes throughout the race.” Um, that’s already been done; it’s called "The Amazing Race 13". Nick and Starr didn’t comment on the camouflage uniforms they had to put on, perhaps because they’re identical to the clothes they wear every day. The woman supervising the Roadblock at the bakery handled mocking everyone for us. First she yelled at Dallas for placing the bags on the ground incorrectly and told him to read his instructions. And when Nick started, she declared, “He’s not fit.” “That is studly,” Andrew said of Dan, who was carrying big bags of flour. “When one part of his arm or upper body would get sore, he’d find another place to put the bag and bring it in,” Andrew explained. Apparently, the editors cut that alternate carrying method out of the show; too much blurring would have been required. “What a pain in the ass,” Starr said about their new cab and driver. I’m not sure, but I think that’s what her cab drivers were saying in Russian. Dallas and Toni checked in first, and ruined the moment by nearly kissing on the mouth. At the pit stop, Andrew and Dan stiffed their cab driver, as they had little money thanks to their shoe purchase. Dan tried to barter his shoes, but the driver wanted cash; eventually, he took the little money they had and threw his cigarette butt onto Dan. I really like Russian people. Still, Andrew and Dan weren’t eliminated, as they were saved by the second—and very predictable—non-elimination leg. The real highlight of the episode, however, came earlier, when Dan attempted the Detour challenge. It involved marching with Russian soldiers, which Dan could not do. “My motor skills and coordination are definitely some of my poorer attributes,” he said. “I have no rhythm.” But it wasn’t that; it was that his limbs moved as if someone had severed part of his spine. Like, I really think he needs to have this checked out, because if he thinks he was doing anything close to what the other soldiers were doing, there’s something seriously wrong.


We've reached the climax of this volume of "Heroes". With the coming of the eclipse the first time, abilities manifested in our plethora of characters, or at least some of them. Or at least it was a catalyst of some importance. Now Claire is apparently a catalyst of some importance. Because the writers aren't sure how to make her anything other than kind of annoying, but she's the "hot chick" so they have to keep her. But that's another issue. It's time for another eclipse, and this time what havoc will it wreak? Maybe it can make Peter whine less. Or Claire be less useless of a character. Or Matt more important of a character. Or Mohinder go back to normal or just die already. Things were definitely turned sideways this episode, and I think it was in a good way. I know all they naysayers will keep saying nay, many of them doing so without even watching the episodes (which makes their opinions irrelevant), but things are getting on track. Now if they can just avoid a disappointing conclusion to this volume, I'll be thrilled powerless.
It did get some people to put out there some of the feelings we've all been feeling for awhile. Peter was able to yell at Nathan for being a pawn of his father, and everyone really. Nathan was able to yell at Peter for being a bitch. And Noah yelled at Claire for being a big baby. She's been acting like a spoiled brat all season and he totally called her on it. But then she went and got all sentimental and took a bullet for daddy, so it's back to love love. When the eclipse hit and everybody lost their abilities, it came down to their personalities and inner strength to drive the plotlines. We got a chance to see how much we would or wouldn't like everybody if they were just themselves and we had to consider them all as regular people. As it turns out, many of them relied on their abilities as a crutch, like Sylar and Elle, who were easily handled by Noah single-handedly, unless you want to count a blonde bodyshield as assistance. The whole thing was so touchy-feely, from Noah and Claire's bonding moments to Matt's mushy cliche-ridden speech to Daphne to that ending with Sylar saying that he can damn well take what he wants when he wants and planting one right on Veronica Mars' kisser. We even had a feel good moment when Mohinder plopped out of his disgusting cocoon and looked more like the guy we used to like way back in Season One. If ever there was a time to take down Arthur Petrelli, this is it. Unfortunately, a guy like Mohinder isn't going to be able to because he's kind of a wimp and Arthur's sons are trapped in Haiti for the time being. Elle and Sylar have a lot more on their hands than each other with HRG right outside the window and the rest of the gang is stuck in Lawrence, KS. Presumably powers will return, because they haven't changed the name of the show to Humans, but it may not be until after the eclipse passes, and then Arthur's would return, too. It was fun seeing Breckin Meyer and Seth Green as the comic shop proprieters, and the play with the 9th Wonders comic cover mimicking real life. I genuinely have no idea where they're going to go from here with any of these plotlines, and for that I'm genuinely glad. If Claire died from her wounds, I wouldn't be horribly upset but then maybe I'm a cold-hearted bastard. A nice ass and toned abs only gets you so far in my book. Her character has oeen the object of some other subject since day one. She's always someone else's goal, rather than significant in her own right. Makes her kind of hard to root for as an individual. I am hoping her mom shows up soon, though, and holds up her hand to show off her cool flame and then looks even stupider than usual when nothing happens.


Former Fox executive Jeff Katz is praising X-Men Origins: Wolverine to the heavens -- or at least to MTV's Splash Page. He thinks Wolverine's solo movie will be his finest hour (or two) yet, and insists that everyone involved has a perfect grasp on the character. "To me and [Hugh] Jackman, our mantra for Wolverine has really been one term: 'bad-ass.' As long as Wolverine is consistently bad-ass, people are generally going to go with you. That's what they want from that character. Iron Man comes out and it does a tremendous business, Batman comes out and it does a tremendous business, and the inclination in the movie biz a lot of the time is, 'Well, that thing just worked, so we have to chase that. But as comics people know, Batman is not Iron Man is not Superman is not Wolverine - they're all different." Call me infatuated, but I don't doubt Jackman's take on the character, and I fervently hope all claims of darkness, grit, and violence come to pass. My concern has always been how many mutants they crammed into a Wolverine film that are, as Katz puts it, "fanboy friendly" and poised for sequels of their own. Deadpool is one thing, but Gambit and Emma Frost are another. What does wind me up, though, are the possible plans Katz was privy to for future Wolverine films. "I can't speak to what's been discussed in the interim since I've been gone, but Mr. Jackman certainly has a desire to go to Japan." And with that, Mr. Jackman, you just became my favorite person in geekdom. Let's get together sometime and talk a certain Frank Miller book, just for laughs.
Look for the first X-Men Origins: Wolverine trailer in front of The Day the Earth Stood Still in theaters December 12.


Bolt is a dog who has superpowers and saves his owner Penny from a variety of evildoers. Except that actually he doesn’t. He’s the star of a television program but he thinks it’s real. It’s The Truman Show but with a talking dog. So what happens when our hero accidentally gets shipped off to the non-backlot-and-non-craft-service-table-intensive world? Reality. But not the fake kind you see on reality TV shows. The real kind of reality. Well, as real as it can be when cartoon animals do all the talking. This is a movie about how the entertainment industry is what’s standing in the way of true self-actualization and decent, humble behavior and goodness. So to play your part in this ultimate game of “Gotcha!” please now go spend all your disposable income at the local multiplex for this double-edged sword of a kiddie movie and then take your spawn to the Disney Store afterward and buy them the talking Bolt plush toy for Christmas or their little hearts will be broken and you’ll be the one to blame. Got it? Now that the meta-tainment portion of this review is over, here are some answers to your questions: 1. No, John Travolta isn’t annoying at all. Lesson here: put him in a giant female fat suit and let him sing or keep him locked in a studio voicing an adorable doggie and nobody gets hurt. 2. Yes, it’s funny and sweet and worthy of the Disney name. That's no longer a given and has to be announced with it's true. Thankfully it's true here. 3. All the Hollywood insider jokes will go right over kids’ heads—and possibly some adults’ heads, too—but they don’t intrude so much that you find yourself wanting to cut your wrists. Sarcasm and irony are the bane of recent children’s films and this one keeps it way more in check than other recent offerings. 4. As usual, the sidekick animals steal the show. That tradition goes all the way back to those singing mice in Cinderella. Maybe even before then. Shameless Kid-Baiting, 101: MILEY CYRUS!!! But whatever. It's her time. In a few years it'll be someone else's. I was so happy to say even though it was in 3-D I didn't get a headache. Maybe it was because we sat in VIP seats at the El Capitan theater in Hollywood, or maybe it was that good. From 1 to 10, it gets a 10. And yes, I will get it on DVD.


Quantum of Solace
In the first ever direct Bond sequel, Daniel Craig returns as a royally pissed-off 007 on the hunt for the men behind the death of his Casino Royale love, Vesper Lynd. Quantum picks up exactly 20 minutes after Royale's closing shot, and eventually carries Bond—literally—to all corners of the globe. The typical sequel formula is "bigger equals better." Quantum ignores that. Knowing he can't top Casino Royale's massive set pieces, Forster instead focuses on fixing the few small problems with that Bond relaunch—namely, the down time between those set pieces. Casino dragged in parts, but Quantum never stops moving, jumping from action scene to action scene with jaw-dropping intensity (the fucking film opens with a car chase). If you think it skimps on story in the process, it doesn't. Instead of being told that Bond is slowly becoming the "Bond" we know and love, we see it happen before our eyes. Craig cements his reputation as the coolest, most formidable Bond ever, and the movie simply kicks ass. The only real complaint is that, as good as new villain Dominic Greene (Mathieu Amalric) is, the aftermath of his final confrontation with Bond is, not to spoil anything, a bit too ambiguous to be wholly satisfying. We get the movie's point (the shadow organization Bond is chasing is bigger and more shadowy than he could possibly know) and the explosive finale in the desert hotel is awesome, but we left feeling like we needed just a touch more. Casino made some stabs at it, but Quantum actually makes great use of Craig's sandpaper-dry sense of humor. There are a few good gags amid all the shooting, and they work well. And his "sit down" with Felix Leiter (a typically great Jeffrey Wright) undoes Leiter's years spent being a dunce to Bond's head of the class. I give it a 10, and if you have to ask if I'll get it on DVD... shame on you.


Man alive, that was the longest entry I ever did I think. I could never fit all that crap in on the old AOL Journals. The next entry of the Phile will be posted on December 5th, which is a Phriday. Until then spread the word, not the turd. Thanks or reading. Peace.

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