Friday, November 7, 2008

Give Up Already

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog. So, what's new? Wednesday was Logan's 9th birthday. That's nine years he put up with me as a dad. Attention passengers: The Straight Talk Express is no longer in service.
I went to bed early — how did Ralph Nader do? Barack Obama is our new president. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Anybody mind if he starts a little early?" At the end of the night, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain — or as Fox News says, “too close to call.” History was made. That’s right, John McCain stayed up past 11 p.m. After Barack Obama was declared the winner, President Bush called him and promised to work with him to guarantee a smooth transition. When he heard this, Obama said, “Thanks — but you’ve done enough.” All of the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 o’clock — except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago. The city of Chicago was so excited about Obama’s win that hundreds of thousands of people turned out for his victory rally. There was an awkward moment when Obama put on a hat that said “Proud to be Muslim” and screamed, “Suckers!" People all over the world are celebrating Obama’s victory. Sarah Palin watched the Russians celebrating from her house. Sen. John McCain’s concession speech was beautiful. It was dignified, and it was classy. And I think the reason for that is he didn’t let Palin say anything. If not for the first ever African-American president, be happy for the first vice president with hair plugs. President Bush called Barack Obama to congratulate him. He said, “What an awesome night for you and your family.” I think his eloquence is what we’ll remember most about Bush. Obama thanked Bush for his call and for all he did to help Obama get elected. Now that the election is over, Barack Obama is busy putting together his presidential Cabinet. John McCain is busy putting together his medicine cabinet. Barack Obama says that the election results gave him a mandate. A man-date? That’s what got that Sen. Larry Craig in trouble. Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, “While I give you a tour, the girls can watch SpongeBob with the president.” In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama say they’re going to invite Barack Obama to visit. A similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected and was invited to Horndog, Thailand. Sources from the McCain campaign say that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. To be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska. Barack Obama was briefed today by the Treasury secretary on the economy. Afterwards, Obama called John McCain and offered him the presidency. Today, a reporter tried to pet President Bush’s dog, Barney, and it bit him. They’re saying they may have to put him down. No word yet on what they’ll do with Barney. Sarah Palin continues to entertain us. Reporters keep stories off the record when they travel with the candidates or they’ll get thrown off the plane, but once the campaign’s over, they come out. Fox News is reporting that Palin did not know that Africa is a continent, and she didn’t know what countries are in the North American Free Trade Agreement, which are just Canada the U.S. and Mexico . . . sounds a little like they’re talking about Jessica Simpson. The McCain camp was horrified at the amount she spent on clothes. They say that they told her to buy three suits for the convention and instead, she went out and bought more than $150,000 worth of stuff for her and her family. Every time she put her foot in her mouth, she ruined $1,200 shoes. McCain aides described it as “the Wasilla hillbillies.”


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this Phriday's top ten list...
This is one for you, Jeff... Top Ten Signs You're Being Haunted By A Lazy Ghost
10. There seems to be a strong presence around the couch
9. You hear a voice saying, "Hey, would you mind rattling that chain by the door?"
8. Just leaves Post-It notes around the house saying "Boo!"
7. Hoists a banner proclaiming, "Haunting Accomplished"
6. Forgot to clean the pizza stain from his white sheet
5. Refuses to work the night shift
4. All attempts at scaring you are by text messages
3. Outsourced everything to the Boogie Man
2. Will only move towards the light if fridge door is open
And the number one sign you're dealing with a lazy ghost...
1. Lets "Joe the Ghost" do his haunting


Studs Terkel: He was a promising young writer, once upon a time, but his career reached a low point in the 1980s when he appeared in several beer commercials dressed as a dog.
Yma Sumac: Egayov nob, Amy Camus.
Jimmy Carl Black: He was the Indian of the group.
Michael Crichton: "Andromeda Strain" is actually the medical term for the process by which Mr. Crichton's bowels and colon would work in conjunction to produce a "novel." 


A Florida school board voted late Monday night to keep the name of a Confederate general and early Ku Klux Klan leader at a majority black high school, despite opposition from a black board member who said the school's namesake was a "terrorist and racist." After hearing about three hours of public comments, Duval County School Board members voted 5-2 to the retain the name of Nathan Bedford Forrest High School. The board's two black members cast the only votes to change the name. "(Forrest) was a terrorist and a racist," argued board member Brenda Priestly Jackson, who is black. Betty Burney, the board chairman and the board's other black member, also voted against retaining the name. "It is time to turn the page and get beyond where we are," she said. Board member Tommy Hazouri voted to keep the name and said it is difficult to know "who the real Forrest is." The board listened to passionate arguments from those on both sides. More than 140 people crowded into the meeting room, with another 20 watching the meeting on a television in the lobby. Many urged a name change, saying the Forrest name was an insult. "Nathan Bedford Forrest was part of the Ku Klux Klan, no matter how you put it. Nathan Bedford Forrest needs to be changed," said Stanley Scott, who is black. But several spoke favorably of the general, saying the perceptions that Forrest was an evil man who ordered the massacre of Union troops were incorrect. June Cooper, who graduated from Forrest in 1970, said some people wanted to wipe out Southern history. "He was a good man," said Cooper, who is White. "He was a military genius." Despite her opposition, the board's chairwoman noted that the intensely debated issue could distract from students' education and had even prompted one person to receive death threats for wanting the name changed. "The naming of a school should not take precedence over someone's life," she said. Some had suggested naming the school after the street it sits on, or honoring a graduate whose plane was shot down in 1991 over Iraq on the first night of Operation Desert Storm.

Forrest High School, which has received two consecutive "F" grades on state assessment tests, opened as an all-white school in the 1950s. Its name was suggested by the Daughters of the Confederacy, who saw it as a protest to the U.S. Supreme Court ruling that eventually integrated the nation's public schools. But now more than half Forrest High's students are black. The issue has come up several times during the past half-century, but the School Board has never changed the name. Jacksonville has three other schools named after Confederate generals, but it also has schools named after civil rights icons. Born poor in Chapel Hill, Tenn., in 1821, Forrest amassed a fortune as a plantation owner and slave trader, importing Africans long after the practice had been made illegal. At 40, he enlisted as a private in the Confederate army at the outset of the Civil War, rising to a cavalry general in a year. Some accounts accused Forrest of ordering black prisoners to be massacred after a victory at Tennessee's Fort Pillow in 1864, though historians question the validity of the claims. In 1867, the newly formed Klan elected Forrest its honorary Grand Wizard or national leader, but he publicly denied being involved. In 1869, he ordered the Klan to disband because of the members' increasing violence. Two years later, a congressional investigation concluded his involvement had been limited to his attempt to disband it. After his death in 1877, memorials to him sprung up throughout the South, particularly in Tennessee. A mounted statue of Forrest and the graves of the general and his wife are in a Memphis park bearing his name.


A man convicted of forgery is the last public hanging at London's Tyburn site, ending a gallows tradition begun in 1196.
The cargo ship Mary Celeste sails from New York, never reaching Genoa. Four weeks later it is found completely abandoned, whereabouts of the ten man crew unknown. The ship's cargo was alcohol, so you decide.
A ship from New Zealand brings the 1918 influenza epidemic to Western Samoa, killing 7542 -- about twenty percent of the population by the end of the year. Perhaps 20,000,000 people are killed from the epidemic globally, including half a million Americans.
The Pillsbury Doughboy makes its first appearance. It (we refer to the creature as "it"; marketing may call it a Doughboy but there is no evidence of genitals) has had a long and uneventful career, but the puffy pastry is now in serious trouble as he recently shit a croissant in front of god and everybody.
A bomb explodes inside the US Capitol building. The structure was damaged but there were no deaths or injuries.
Magic Johnson announces that he is an AIDS victim. Perhaps the basketball player's condition has something to do with his sleeping promiscuously with thousands of women.


The neurotic animals from the last Madagascar movie are back and still doing the same old thing. They aren’t even switching locations. The giraffe loses his fear, the hippo learns what true love means, the zebra understands individuality and the lion really gets deep into his whole Joseph Campbell hero’s journey thing. Just like he did last time. I expect part three will be called Madagascar: In Triplicate. I walked out of this movie during the closing credits and had a hard time remembering what I had just seen. It’s that generic and that much exactly like every single other computer-animated talking animal movie that’s been made in the past 10 years. Children are undemanding audiences and studios are cynical enough to not care if their newest product is intelligent or coherent or worth watching. As for parents? Too bad. You’re going. Take a little nap if you have to. Bring your Kindle. Whatever it takes 2 escape.
I declare a moratorium on a central animal character who has to learn to believe in himself and become the great leader he was meant to be. Not that anyone’s listening to me. But I declare this. I may start throwing things at screens if I don’t get my way. Things that are on fire. Sacha Baron Cohen keeps it funny and Alec Baldwin as the evil manipulative lion that wants to take control of the tribe is like his character on "30 Rock" turned into a cartoon. His character is even designed to sort of resemble him. Nice touch. And another thing: Penguins? In short supply. From 1 to 10, I give it an 8.

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

"What are we doing in this movie?"


The Five Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season
Well folks, it’s over. Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States, John McCain is crying over an early bird dinner special somewhere in Phoenix, and meteorologists are predicting a 99% chance of beautiful rainbows shooting out of everyone in America’s asses at least through the end of this weekend. I guess this means election season is officially over. It’s been a wild ride, what with all the plumbers and slander and Palin-themed hardcore pornography, and if you’re like me, you probably got caught up in it like everyone else. And while it’s all well and good to follow politics, when the mainstream media focuses its attention so narrowly on one particular story, it’s easy for other equally (if not more) important stories to fall through the cracks. This week on the Peverett Phile, I’d like to bring you up to speed on some of the stories you might have missed thanks to election fever.
Remember Bono? You know - the world-famous frontman of the 22-Grammy-Award-winning, 140-million-album-selling rock band U2? You know - the guy who is as well known for his philanthropic work as he is for singing in one of the most successful rock bands of the 20th century? Well guess what? Pictures of him surfaced on Facebook that show him enjoying a “RENDEZVOUS” with two “SEXY TEENS!” Hmm. Well, okay, I don’t think anyone would deny that those are some “sexy teens.” And judging by the picture, I’m pretty sure that Bono was psyched to be enjoying a rendezvous with them. But does that make this a noteworthy news story? Yes it does, and I’ll tell you why: Everyone knows that being a rock star is awesome, but if Bono, debatably one of the biggest douchebags in the history of rock music, can still get chicks when he’s pushing 50, then most of us clearly don’t have a clue as to how awesome being a rock star really is. Although to be honest, I seriously doubt he sealed the deal. Based on the look on his face, I think if things went any further than posing for this picture his boner would have literally exploded.
If you’re a serious news junkie like I am, then you probably remember hearing about Tara Reid’s botched plastic surgeries back in 2006. Well after some new pictures surfaced of her terrifying, Silly Putty-like horror-abs last month, Reid finally addressed the media last week on the subject, saying simply, “Hey - you guys seriously still care about me? Wow. That’s BANANAS. I’m all washed up.” Although Reid has to live with the “battle wounds” of her botched lipo, she says she’s trying to move on, spending her time working on her first clothing line, Mantra. “I made this line about feeling good about yourself,” she said, adding, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go - I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon.” You might be wondering why this is an important story to catch up on. Maybe you think Tara Reid is just some washed-up starlet. Well let me tell you about somebody else who everyone thought was all washed up: His name was Seabiscuit, he was a horse, and guess what he did? Oh, I don’t know - only INSPIRED AN ENTIRE GENERATION TO DARE TO DREAM. NO BIG DEAL. Where am I going with this, you wonder? Fair question. Let’s get to down brass tacks: Seabiscuit broke his leg, overcame the injury, and went on to win races again, inspiring all of America during the Great Depression. Tara Reid is a semi-famous starlet who turned her stomach into a horrific fleshy abomination just as America sunk into the worst economic crisis since - you guessed it - THE GREAT DEPRESSION. Now I’m not saying that Tara Reid is going to fix her disgusting, somebody-help-me-I’m-melting abs, stage a successful Hollywood comeback, and become the same marginally-talented, unremarkably semi-attractive starlet she once was. I’m not saying she’ll ever match the glory of her breakout supporting role in that one movie about the kid who fucked a pie. But in these tough times we have ahead of us, we’re going to need an injured racehorse of our own to overcome adversity and inspire all of us in the process. And while I’m not saying that Tara Reid is definitely going to be that injured racehorse, I’m not ruling it out, either.
Let me get this straight - you didn’t know that Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale took their baby Zuma to get his first library card? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I, on the other hand, knew about this story as soon as it broke thanks to the power of Google Alerts. By the time Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale (yes, that is seriously his full name) was ready to check out his first book, I had already received pictures of it in my inbox. I don’t know if two-month-old babies can read, or what kind of books they like if they can, but I DO know that Zuma Rossdale’s parents are famous. As such, I DEMAND up-to-the-minute reports of what he’s doing at all times. Zuma got a library card? I want to know about it immediately. Zuma went to a birthday party? I want to know about it immediately. Zuma went to a Halloween party where Gwen dressed up like an egg (and Gavin didn’t dress up at all)? You better believe I want to know about that… IMMEDIATELY. It’s hard to keep up when your inbox is constantly awash in a deluge of “nipple slip” alerts (not to mention the “Gladstone is a douchebag” ones), but I do what I can. It’s my duty as an informed citizen of this great nation to keep up with current events.
Due to the rising cost of yadda-yadda-yadda, increasing reliance on blah-blah-blah in the third world, and catastrophic yackety-yack due to climate something-or-other, millions of people around the world can no longer afford the basic sustenance that most of us take for granted. Wait a minute… are there any celebrities involved in this story? No? Not even Bono? Wow… ok. Yawn. Bono: too busy with sexy teen rendezvouses to save the world right now.
Moving along.
Celebrity gossip gets a bad rap sometimes. Sure, the paparazzi routinely ruin celebrities’ lives, and yes, peoples’ hunger for trashy tabloids makes everyone less informed about important world events of actual consequence, but when the mainstream media is busy covering a Presidential election or an economic crisis or a war in Iraq (if, hypothetically, the war in Iraq was getting any coverage), when the mainstream media has its hands full and can’t be bothered, then tell me this: WHO’S KEEPING AN EYE ON K-FED? Can you imagine if the paparazzi had been out chasing after Obama last week? If they’d followed the herd like the rest of the MSM, we might have never known that this happened: While the world is stumbling around in a weepy-eyed Obama-rama daze, important stories like this one are being completely swept under the rug, which just goes to show that you can’t trust the networks anymore. If you’re not content letting the mainstream media spoon-feed you whatever they happen to deem “newsworthy,” then you’re probably going to have to do some homework.


Well well, Reverend Jesse Custer. It looks like you might make it to the big screen after all. It's hard to get too optimistic, seeing as you've had directors, producers, and HBO dancing around you for years. In fact, no one I've talked to offline had heard of your new movie deal the way they'd heard about Tony Stark's – and when I told them that it really seemed to be happening this time, no one could muster up much enthusiasm. We're a beaten down congregation, Reverend. It will take some writers or some casting announcements to get us excited – and we may always wish you'd ended up at HBO. I don't think you're impossible to adapt; you take a lot of digressions that I'm perfectly comfortable never seeing on screen. Your first major adventure versus Si the serial killer, for instance -- then again, without it, your horrible grandma doesn't come into play. Hmmm. Any chance Columbia's thinking about giving you a trilogy? Because not only could you digress into serial killers and hedonistic Hollywood parties to your heart's content, but it would be one heck of a franchise, and might give us The Saint of All Killers' spin-off we all want. (Can you convince them to animate it? Can you use the Word to get Clint Eastwood to narrate?)


There you go, pholks, the latest entry of the Phile. Don't look for an update next Phriday as we'll be on vacation in California. And there's not going to be an update on the 21st either. So, the next update will be on the 28th. Can you wait that long? Go ahead and go through the archives if you haven't already. I'll be 40 when I update the Phile again. Man, I'm getting old. That's like 4 decades. Have a good Thanksgiving, be safe and spread the word, not the turd. Peace. 

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