Friday, December 19, 2008

Santa Rubbed Your Toothbrush On His Balls


Hello, happy holidays, welcome to the most updated blog on the web, the Peverett Phile, I am your host Jason For The Bells. So, didya get all your Christmas done? If not, why? I love those Rod Blagojevich tapes — “Give me the money! Give me the money!” I’d like him to be my agent. The Oscars have a new host: Hugh Jackman. They say they picked him because he’s sexy, he’s macho, and he looks great in a tuxedo. But they said that about Ellen DeGeneres. How fucking cool is it that the Oscars will be hosted by Wolverine.  When Vice President-elect Joe Biden takes office next month, he’s going to have a German shepherd puppy. That’s good to know because his dog will stand by in case Barack Obama’s dog becomes incapacitated. The puppy is only 1 month old, but Biden has already taught him a trick: how to put his foot in his mouth. Until the puppy is old enough to stay home alone, he will serve as the vice president’s toupee. Obama’s girls are getting a puppy, Joe Biden is getting a puppy . . . I guess Hillary Clinton will do all the spaying and neutering. Bush has been accused of dodging issues in the past, but who knew he could actually dodge shoes? He’s 62 years old, but he still has the reflexes of a cat. Mind you, I think his head has been on a swivel ever since Cheney shot his lawyer. The irony of this shoe-throwing incident is, it’s as close as we’ll ever get to finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Hey, maybe the person who threw the show thought Bush had no sole. Get it, sole. A new study says that old people store bad memories differently than everyone else. In a related story, John McCain just announced he’s running for president. Another report says that the economic downturn is even affecting prostitution. If things get any worse, men may be forced to have sex with their wives.  That prostitution joke actually was from the Great Depression in the 1930s. That was the joke that got America back on its feet. Over 300,000 people lost power in the Northeast after ice storms knocked the power out. Hard times here in Florida too — it almost dipped under 60 degrees today. The guy next door? He went out to walk his dog and had to come back for a windbreaker. Good news from India — a New Delhi woman gave birth to a baby girl. She was 70 years old. Not the baby, the woman. This is the oldest woman to have a child since Demi Moore had Ashton. Oprah’s production company, Harpo, has signed a deal to create original programs for HBO. They already have their first project underway: The “Opranos.” There was snow in Malibu today! Global warming? Kiss my arse Al Gore! It’s snowed in Las Vegas, too! It’s so cold in Las Vegas, you have to tip the strippers 50 bucks just to get them to take their coats off. Good news for the Disney Channel. They’re going to Russia. They’re going to be broadcasting from Russia. Which is great news for Sarah Palin — she’ll be able to see it from her house. Much of the country is covered in snow. Chicago got a foot of snow. The blizzard was so bad, Gov. Blagojevich declared a state of emergency and sent all corruption investigators home. This just in, Gary Busey woke up, saw white powder all over the lawn, and thought it was Christmas.


From the home office here in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is Spending Less On The Company Christmas Party 
10. Invitation lists time of party as "7pm - 7:15pm".
9. Just nog.
8. This year's open bar is the water cooler.
7. For snacks, he just breaks open the vending machines.
6. Instead of a Christmas ham, it's Christmas bologna.
5. The mistletoe was replaced with old tea bags.
4. Decorations left over from Halloween; food left over from Thanksgiving.
3. For party music everyone takes turns listening to his iPod.
2. Entire party has been outsourced to India.
And the number one sign your boss is spending less on the company Christmas party...
1. He spent the money on that Senate seat in Illinois.


Twelve days after Pearl Harbor, Franklin D. Roosevelt under authority of Congress, created the Office of Censorship. The bureau had discretion over communications with foreign countries. Participation by domestic publishers was "voluntary".
A Clockwork Orange opens, originally given an X rating. Censors objected more to the sex scenes than the orgies of ultraviolence, which is rather odd. Director Stanley Kubrik later earns an R by removing some of the smuttier footage.
Yankee's pitcher Steve Howe arrested for criminal posession of cocaine. It's merely one of NINE TIMES this has happened (and seven suspensions, plus one drunk driving arrest.)
Disgruntled postal worker Anthony Deculit enters a Milwaukee post office at 12:45 A.M., shoots his supervisor in the right eye, and kills a fellow coworker. The supervisor had written Deculit up for sleeping on the job. After the shootings he rendered himself dead with the 9mm solution, a shot through the mouth.
The pilot of a SilkAir plane deliberately flies into a mangrove swamp in Indonesia, committing suicide and killing all 104 people aboard. The pilot, Captain Tsu Way Ming, was in debt and had personal problems, had taken a $3M insurance policy prior to the crash. To cover his tracks, he disconnected the flight recorder prior to downing the aircraft.


Van Johnson: He's on the subway in the sky.

Sammy Baugh: Passed.

W. Mark Felt: Deeper than ever.


Central Florida homeowners association covenant prohibits owners from leasing their homes to couples who aren't married, raising the ire of gay rights advocates and homeowners who can't locate tenants, reports Local 6 News in Orlando. The development is near the University of Central Florida. The rules were created, in part, to prevent the homes from becoming similar to nearby college apartments. But abandoned homes are forcing current residents to maintain the properties. A man who owns a home in the development had to move to Texas for employment reasons is trying renting the house for $1,600 a month, including HOA fees.
"It's ridiculous,' says Eric Marberg. "I might have to quit my job here and move down to Florida and try to get something going." "Whether intended or not, this HOA law discriminates against many types of people," said Tom Dyer, publisher of The Watermark, an Orlando gay and lesbian magazine. "And what's most offensive is they're saying the only kinds of people who can form a cohesive responsible household unit are married heterosexuals. And that discriminates against lots and lots of people."


Scientists believe herring communicate with one another by passing gas.

Dimples are the result of a genetic flaw.

Unicorns are mentioned nine times in the King James version of the Bible.

Only 2% of women around the world describe themselves as beautiful.

According to medical researchers, the part of the brain that can detect sarcasm is the right parahippocampal gyrus.

The random symbols (#*!&@) used to indicate obscenities in comic strips are called "grawlix."

Teddy Roosevelt's dog, Pete, ripped a French ambassador's pants off at the White House.

The first Web site ever built was located at

Forty-one percent of women apply body or hand moisturizer a minimum three times a day.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years.

A person will burn 7% more calories if they walk on hard dirt, as opposed to pavement.

Americans spend more than $13 billion per year on intimate apparel.

Ulysses S. Grant died of throat cancer. He smoked about 20 cigars per day for most of his life.

In Hebrew, "golem" means "undeveloped lump."

James Ritty, an American restaurant owner, invented the first practical cash register in 1879. A bell rang each time the cash drawer was opened to help reduce theft.

Faunoiphilia is an abnormal desire to watch animals copulate.

About 9% of all merchandise sold by retailers in America is returned. Clothing and electronics account for most of those returns.

Purdue scientists discovered that constant worrying shortens your life span by 16 years.

There are 1,600 calories in a pint of hippopotamus milk.

There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.


Christmas was not, as it turns out, miraculously handed down as a fully formed holiday, complete with wrapped gifts and blinking lights. Rather, it is a rich tapestry woven from countless inexplicable and pointless customs.
Why December 25th?
The Bible doesn't give a lot of clues as to what time of the year the birth of Jesus happened. So, why December 25th? No one knows for sure. One likely explanation is that early church leaders needed a holiday to distract Christians from the many pagan revelries occurring in late December. One of the revelries was The Saturnalia, a week-long festival celebrating the Romans' favorite agricultural god, Saturn. From December 17 until December 23, tomfoolery and pagan hijinks ensued, and by hijinks we mean gluttonous feasting, drunkenness, gambling and public nudity. The Romans would also switch roles between masters and slaves for the occasion, so not only did the slaves get to pathetically lower their own sense of self-worth by participating in the charade of freedom, they also got to wear a Pileus (roughly translated, "Freedom Hat"). One other pagan celebration that might have given Christmas its date was Natalis Solis Invincti, which roughly translates to "Birthday of the Invincible Sun God," giving it officially the most awesome holiday name ever. By the 12th century, the Christian Church had incorporated a few of the less-sinful pagan traditions into the 12 days of Christmas. We only wish the public nudity could have been left in ... maybe on the 10th or 11th day. Along with the gambling. And the drinking. Then again, it appears everyday is Saturnalia in Vegas so maybe we'll just go there instead. 
Our favorite morbidly obese, undiagnosed diabetic trespasser is actually a bastardization of the Dutch Sinterklaas, which was actually a bastardization of Saint Nikolas, the holier-than-thou Turkish bishop for whom the icon was named. The actual saint was not, in fact, famous for making dispirited public appearances at shopping malls. Rather, he was known for throwing purses of gold into a man's home in the cover of night so that the man wouldn't have to sell his daughters into prostitution. So, back then Christmas wasn't "get a new Xbox day." It was, "you don't have to become a filthy whore day." While it could be argued that this basically makes Nicholas the anti-pimp, we prefer to think of him as the Bible's answer to Travis Bickle. Later, Martin Luther invented his own Christmas symbol, Kristkindl, as part of his rejection of all things Catholic. What he came up with is by far the gayest of all Christmas symbols, as Kristkindl is portrayed as a "blond, radiant veiled child figure with golden wings, wearing a flowing white robe and a sparkling jeweled crown, and carrying a small Christmas tree or wand." This is why you sometimes hear Santa referred to as "Kris Kringle." Not surprisingly, most of the world has rejected his weird-ass version and over the years we've cobbled together our own Santa Claus: part Saint Nikolas, part Sinterklaas and part Norse god Odin. By the 19th century American writers were describing Santa as wearing a red sash with a skin-tight red suit with white spotted fur at the fringes. He was basically all those other figures with a little Freddie Mercury thrown in. Writers at the time were still calling Santa an "elf," including Clement Clark Moore in his famous poem The Night Before Christmas. Perhaps the image of a dwarf-sized intruder seemed less threatening than a Chris Farley-sized version, but we're pretty sure we'd be more likely to piss our pants if an overly jolly costumed dwarf magically appeared and started hopping around our living room floor. The little person might just end up with a bullet in the head. Not that there's anything wrong with frolicking little people with a propensity for wearing elf garb, of course. Except that there totally is.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. 
Some of you are disappointed that I explained Santa without mentioning that the modern image of him was invented for a Coca-Cola ad, as the Internet has probably told you. That's because it isn't true. Come on, guys. Not everything in the Western World is based on some crass marketing campaign. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, however, is. This signature character in Christmas folklore, with his own song and movies and a mountain of yearly merchandise, was slapped together by the Montgomery Ward marketing team for a coloring book they were giving out. Prior to inventing Rudolph, they used to just buy the books and hand them out each Christmas, but in 1939 they figured it'd be cheaper to have one of their guys draw one up in his spare time. It's not like toddlers are great at detecting quality in these things. So copywriter Robert L. May wrote it up, and created what turned out to be a marketing bonanza ... of which he didn't get paid a penny. A few years later the company actually let May have the rights to Rudolph, which was either an act of amazing corporate generosity or else they just assumed the Rudolph fad was over. After that, May's brother-in-law wrote up the song that you've no doubt heard every Christmas since you were born. It became a huge hit and the Rudolph marketing empire was born, along with a permanent addition to the Santa legend.
That's right; Europe brought their real-life saints, Norse gods and rich cultural traditions to the table, and America slapped on a promotion from a department store. Who knows, maybe 300 years from now Santa's sleigh will be towed by Energizer Bunnies, long after society has forgotten what an "Energizer" is. And, maybe Santa will sport a cheap cardboard crown and a creepy frozen grin.


Man, they did it again. Set up a potentially solid climactic final chapter to a "Volume" and then just kind of fizzled out. Sylar's antics bordered a bit on the ridiculous, and I don't at all buy Nathan's character path over the past three seasons as plausible. I was pleased with the continuation and ultimate resolution of Hiro's story as it involved also Ando, Matt and Daphne. As it turns out, while these are by no means the central figures in the plots for this Volume, their story was the best. Maybe it's because there was a minimum of whining (Peter) or pouting (Claire), and quite frankly there's only so much of that crap you can take. With the end of "Volume Three" tonight, as we've done in the past, we got a sneak peek at "Volume Four: Fugitives." And as has been the case in the past, the few minutes we got on a preview of the next volume was much more compelling than the finale of this current volume. Just like real comic books, you usually get a great build up in these big stories, ultimately leading to disappointment. I guess Nathan's back to being a dick, which I don't like. I thought his character progression made sense up to the point where he decided he agreed with his father about changing the world and was suddenly willing to let his brother die. Also, why the hell would Peter have to inject himself with the formula anyway so that he could fly and save Nathan. Flying is Nathan's thing. He could've saved himself. That one didn't make much sense. Are we supposed to believe that Meredith died in that fire? If she's not capable of dying from her own combustion, then the only danger to her would be the collapsing building. So why was it such a bad idea to try and get her out of the building? She should have left when Claire first flew through the window. Speaking of which, one of the good moments of the episode was when Claire jammed that piece of glass into the back of Sylar's head to shut off his brain. Odds on whether or not it'll come out in the first or second episode of the new volume. But the whole Sylar storyline iself was rather stupid. Why, out of nowhere, would he decide to play these weird psychological games? It really didn't seem his style and didn't fit well with the rest of the season so far. Actually, I'll say the whole episode didn't fit well. We never even got to see all the heroes come together. In fact, Peter destroyed the existing formula while Hiro destroyed the written formula but neither know the other did anything. There was a kind of a weird disconnect between the cast. I like the power they've given Ando, even though I'm not sure I want him to have a power. But what it does now is make me wonder how his power would impact the other people with abilities. Would it make Meredith blow up and be trapped underneath a building? So I'm still not clear what the Catalyst was. How did Hiro's mother get it, why is it able to be passed on like it is, what is it, what does it do, and is it destroyed now?
Loved seeing Usutu, the African painter in the loft, but what is up with that? Was he really there or was he Memorex? It was cool seeing Chad Faust ("The 4400") in another role, even if his flaring nostrils still distract me. Too bad he didn't last that long; I thought the idea of this new character had potential.


First, dear readers, let me get a little rant off my chest -- why can't the mainstream media run the quotes from tireless movie sites like Collider instead of preposterous casting rumors? Sure, it's fun and harmless, but they embed themselves into the public consciousness to the point that you'll be hearing "Eddie Murphy is going to be the Riddler!" at your watercooler for months. But this is real Batman news! Now, let's read that news, directly from Warner Bros' president Alan Horn, who emphasized again that Batman is taking a break. "We've been talking to Chris Nolan and what we have to do is get him in the right place and have him tell us what he thinks the notion might be for a great story, but Chris did a great job and we'd love to have him come back and do another one ... The story is everything and we are very respectful of Chris. We have a wonderful relationship with him and we are going to be respectful of his timing and we want to get it right. Also, I think the fans expect that – they want us to make a terrific movie – we have to give them another great movie." So, with Batman on hiatus, what DC hero might be next? Why, he's up there in the right-hand corner. "[Green Lantern is] on the runway. Hasn't taken off yet, but we're close. I think Green Lantern is probably the best guess but I can't promise it at this moment." Superman and Justice League, however, are a lot further away. Warners is "anxious" to bring Supes back, but there's no timeline for his return except "probably in the next couple of years." And despite what George Miller says about Justice League's status, the answer on that is: "Not yet."  There's the Warners-DC update. I'm anxiously awaiting Green Lantern news -- I can't wait to talk about a new DC hero, and let sleeping Nolans lie.


Don't panic! You can start to sweat a little if you want to, I'm sure everyone associated with Watchmen might be. According to Variety, the Watchmen trial has been moved back two weeks to January 20th. The judge in charge of the case set the new date on Monday in order to settle a criminal matter on January 6th. He has also refused to make a pre-trial summary judgment, as requested by both sides, insisting that the original contracts between Fox and producer Larry Gordon are so open to interpretation that a trial is required. They just keep upping the drama level of this whole mess. Why is the judge insisting on taking it to trial, ignoring the wishes of both sides to do a summary judgment? Is that a good thing? Are summary judgments too hasty or something? Is he stretching this out because he can? Can they still settle out of court? While I still don't believe the film will be delayed, it is worrying to see its legal troubles inching closer and closer to its March 6th date. Neither side seems willing to blink, although Warner Bros might if it threatens all the money they've put into marketing. But think about it this way, readers -- if they do delay it, anything Watchmen that you own that's marked 03/06/09 immediately becomes more valuable!


There, kids, another entry of the Phile, the last before Christmas, so have a good one. Did you read the interview with Jennifer McKee I posted? Do you like the Phile interviews? I hope you do, 'cause in the last week I did about 50. Yes, phans, 50. The interviews were supposed to be posted on Saturday's but as I did so many I came up with plan B. Starting tomorrow I am going to post interviews pretty much once a day until I catch up, which I hope won't happen. So, tomorrow's interview is with a singer named Amanda Marsh, then on Sunday I'll post an interview with Baub Eis from the band The Geoff Stein Project. Then on Monday it'll be the band Pro Audio. After that I will let you know what's next. The Phile is getting better and better, phans, so more then ever, spread the word, not he turd. Merry Christmas!

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