Thursday, March 6, 2008

Sorry About What Happens Later

Hey, there, phans, and welcome to another entery of the Phile, slowly killing your free time. This is the most updated blog on the internet, by the way. It's the first blog of 
March, and I am parched. I want some ice tea, then I'll have to pee. Is it iced tea or ice tea? Does it really matter? I don't drink soda, 'cause I don't want to get any fatter. Sorry, I was in the mood to write a rap. So, Warmonger John McCain won the Republican nomination. He was awarded with a trip to the White House. Mike Huckabee dropped out and was awarded a hunting trip with Dick Cheney. Everyone’s trying to figure out what happened at the primaries. Here it is: Barack Obama had the most delegates; Hillary Clinton had the most superdelegates; and John McCain had the most problem going to the bathroom. Los Angeles’ tap water was voted the tastiest in the United States. Fine. I like Clermont tap water. I like that you can blow the head off it. Comes in smooth . . . and chunky. Cold today. Experts believe it’s caused by the cold front coming off the John McCain marriage. There’s a rumor that “American Idol” contestant David Hernandez used to be a gay stripper. When he heard this, Ryan Seacrest said, “I thought that guy looked familiar.” This week, the U.S. Border Patrol arrested a man responsible for smuggling thousands of Guatemalans into California. An angry American official said, “Those Guatemalans were taking jobs that should have gone to Mexicans.” Katie Holmes may be pregnant! That’s the scuttlebutt around Hollywood. Tom Cruise says he wants a boy. He doesn’t care what sex the baby is . . . he really wants a boy. The Olsen twins are now authors! They have written a coffee table book. They can’t lift it, but they wrote it. Jennifer Lopez announced the names of her twins. We don’t know the names of her babies, but she’s named her twins. This is interesting. There was a report that the Hell’s Angels were going to kill Mick Jagger in 1969. No one knows that the Hell’s Angels actually killed Keith Richards in 1980. There is a building in New York City that is keeping loiterers away by using a device that plays annoying, high-pitched screeching sounds. It’s called “The View.”


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, this week's top ten list is...
Top Ten Dumb Guy Explanations For Leap Year
10. Groundhog saw his shadow
9. Another one of them days created by the bastards at Hallmark
8. It makes up for one day we lost when we turned the clocks ahead
7. Let me ask Larry, Larry knows everything
6. One of those things that happens every four years like Wesley Snipes paying his taxes
5. February has an extra day -- run for your lives!
4. Too many tacos
3. Who cares? "Deal Or No Deal" is on!
2. Huh?
And the number one dumb guy explanation for leap year...
1. The March calendars weren't ready?


Jeff Healey: He never saw it coming.
Hurricane Smith: Oh, babe, what would you say, if you weren't dead?


A trapper is searching for an alligator that killed a dog at a Tampa park earlier this week. The gator grabbed 5-year-old Freddy, a 19-pound cairn terrier, on Monday.
Sarah Frey said she and Freddy had just walked a lap around the park when the dog took off barking toward a pond. By the time she caught up, the dog was gone. Witnesses told her they saw Freddy bark at the gator, then jump into the water. Signs posted around the park warn that alligators pose a danger near the water. Wildlife officials said the alligator is about 8 feet long.


A man who took more than the recommended dose of Viagra to increase his capacity for sexual pleasure is claiming it has left him with blue vision. John Pettigrew, 58, a heating engineer, said he is suffering from a permanent side-effect after taking extra pills that he bought on the internet. The father-of-two said he regrets not heeding the advice of doctors and drug manufacturer Pfizer after only being able to see the world in shades of blue. "I admit I ignored the advice on the packet," he said yesterday. "I was having too much fun. But I'd give up all the sex in the world to be able to see a red letterbox again. I have been seeing the world in blue for more than a fortnight now and it's doing my head in." Mr Pettigrew, who lives in Brighton, East Sussex, added: "At least I'm a Chelsea fan." The Kent firm Pfizer, which makes Viagra, say that people should not exceed the recommended dose as the drug can add a blue tint to users' eyesight. At least he doesn't have blue balls anymore.


Alamo seized by Santa Ana, 3,000 versus 147 not being a fair fight. The holdouts sufferered unnecessary deaths, disobeying direct orders by remaining, and losing their arms and cannon to the Mexicans.
The US naval vessel "Cyclops" vanishes in the Bermuda Triangle.
Larry Flynt, publisher of the fine magazine Hustler, is shot and paralyzed.
Cheryl Araujo is gang raped atop a pool table at a tavern in New Bedford, Massachusetts. Other men in the establishment applauded the spectacle. Four men are convicted of the crime in a trial that attracts nationwide attention.


Q: What has two legs and bleeds a lot? A: Half a cat.


Cool news for fans of NBC's "Heroes": it looks like the show is going to start filming a lot earlier than it usually does. Shows usually start filming in July/August for the fall season, but according to "Heroes" star James Kyson Lee (Ando), the writers strike means that the show will start filming in June, and maybe as early as May. He says that NBC plans to really push the show this year, using the Olympics to hype the show. That's the good news. The (possible) bad news is that TV Guide's Michael Ausiello is reporting that Kristen Bell isn't signed for the new season yet. He does believe that she will eventually be signed though, because fans like her so much.
I'm curious though: "Veronica Mars" memories aside, do you "Heroes" fans like her character on the show? Is she necessary to the plot? I like her story arc. I see her either coming over to the side of the good guys (if she signs a long-term contract) or completely going crazy because of the way her father has been treating her and trying to destroy everyone and eventually dying in a really dramatic way. Bell turned down the role of Charlotte on "Lost" to take the "Heroes" gig.


And let the games begin. Zack Snyder has released high resolution stills of several Watchmen characters to celebrate the "one year from now" release of the film. I really love the look of the Comedian. Actually, I'm digging all of them with the exception of Ozymandias, who is a little too Goth for my taste. But I think all these strike the fine balance between being functional (I always wondered how Nite Owl actually moved in that suit), being updated for the screen, and being accurate to the comic. Hate me all you like.  I'll post the pics on the Phile's page.


Sacha Baron Cohen was spotted filming a scene as his gay Austrian character, asking parents at a suburban L.A. dance studio if they'd let their kids film a scene with bees and wasps. Hey, this is L.A. He should have asked if they'd let their kids film something really scary, like be in a Britney Spears video.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
There's a new batch of promo photos on the loose, which mostly feature the titular prince and the Pevensie children dressed in chain mail and body armor. With all the stories about school violence in the news lately, it might be a good idea if we start making all children wear this stuff in the classroom.
Whip It
Skating Frenzy A fan caught a snapshot of Drew Barrymore doing research for her upcoming directorial debut by attending a real Roller Derby. You'll go for the quick image of Drew chillin' with a beer, and you'll stay for the other pictures of skimpily clad women in short shorts and full body tattoos.
Rosemary's Baby
Michael Bay's production company has snapped up the rights to yet another remake, this one of Roman Polanski's classic horror film about a young wife who gets impregnated by Satan. However, in the modern version, Satan runs up against something much, much scarier than himself: the American heath-care system.
The stars of the horror flick about medical students perform some impromptu comedy by getting corpses to re-enact a scene between Napoleon Dynamite and Pedro. It's funny, but it would have been way more impressive ifthey were able to get one of the bodies to perform Napoleon's nutty election-day dance.
Crazy on the Outside
Tim Allen is all set to make his directorial debut with an "edgy" indie film about an ex-con. His cast will be surprised when they find out "edgy" means Allen plans to wear his Santa fat suit while sitting in his director's chair.
Dark Oz
The Fugees' Pras Michel is producing and will possibly star in this comic-book adaptation that's a more "Goth" update of The Wizard of Oz. How can they make Oz even scarier?
Djimon Hounsou will star in a trilogy that he says is his comic-book "dream" project, leading many to speculate he was talking about this upcoming Spielberg/Jackson project since Tintin is huge in Hounsou's native France. If he were American, obviously his comic-book "dream" would be the same as mine: starring as Archie Andrews and being stuck having to choose between Betty and Veronica.
Drag Me to Hell
Ellen Page dropped out of Sam Raimi's upcoming horror project allegedly due to scheduling conflicts, and Alison Lohman has already taken Page's place. Hmnm, so Raimi traded one young pasty-skinned actress for another. The plot must involve the star getting a wicked tan in Hades.

There you have it, kids. I am dead tired, so I will wrap this up quick. This weekend I'll be at the Disney Junior Achievement Bowl-A-Thon getting gutter balls out the ying-yang and on Sunday I'll be at Megacon, hopefully meeting Kristy Swanson. We are very close to hit 4000 views by Easter, so spread the word, not the turd.

1 comment:

abaleman666 said...

your blog friggin wraaaaawwwwwwkkkkssss!

visit the rant anytime for a slightly sarcastic slice of life.