Maybe we wouldn't have so many drunken astronauts if all these computers didn't have spacebars. Man, I can't believe I started the blog saying that. Welcome to the Phile, the internet's most updated and insane blog. So, this weekend in Orlando it's Wrestling Weekend with Wrestlemania 24, the Hall of Fame ceremony and Raw all happening here in Florida. I was wondering today, if I was a wrestler what would
my name be? The Fat Red Grumpy, Sulk Sogan, Gorilla Ass, Dork Wad, Duke Belly Peverett? Who knows? The American Nightmare? The British Dream? A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. Which is surprising because you’d think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a “cold one.”
Starbucks has canceled its plans to sell a one-dollar cup of coffee. A company spokesman said, “You’ll still be able to get a one-dollar cup of coffee at Starbucks but it’s going to cost you eight bucks.” In Los Angeles, a 500-pound man was arrested for stealing food from a restaurant. Police say it took five minutes to catch the suspect and two hours to pat him down. Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is threatening to sue one of her biggest fans because he’s trying to put out a Harry Potter encyclopedia. The man says he’s not happy about being sued by Rowling — but at least it’s technically some form of contact with a girl. Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has reportedly entered therapy for a sex addiction. Spitzer said his therapy is going well and that his therapist has a fantastic rack. A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they’ll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy. The White House held their annual Easter Egg Roll on Sunday. They do it every year. And just like every year, the president got all confused again . . . he ordered the egg roll and a side of rice. People magazine has published the first pictures of Jennifer Lopez’s twins. I got all excited and went out and bought the magazine . . . and it’s pictures of her children! Not what I expected at all. Hollywood news: Pamela Andersen got an annulment from her marriage. You have to hope things will work out better for whoever she marries next month. She goes through husbands like New York goes through mayors. Not such a great week for Hillary Clinton. Been caught telling a lie. Said when she landed in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was dodging bullets. Comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to me like the co-star of Jingle all the Way. Sinbad went on a trip to Bosnia with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the Week on Lifetime or something. “Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war-torn Balkans?” Crazy if Hillary’s campaign is derailed by a comedian. It has happened before. When John McCain first ran for the Senate, he was called a liar by the most famous comedian of that time: Mark Twain. Barack Obama called Hillary today to thank her for distracting everyone away from the whole crazy pastor thing. Obama’s campaign is all about hope — hope Hillary keeps saying stupid crap and getting herself in trouble. Some kids found what might be D.B. Cooper’s parachute. He’s wanted by the FBI for stealing $200,000. MC Hammer called the kids; he wants his pants back.
D.B. Cooper is the only criminal to get away by jumping from a plane. I want to sky dive. Sky diving is good for finding out what you’d look like with a facelift. That was the monologue, thanks in part to the writing staff of "Late Night".
THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST
From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list.
Top Ten Signs Your Governor’s Having Sex With a Hooker
10. Starts every speech with "Four whores and seven grand ago..."
9. Governor's mansion is a hotel room on the Interstate
8. Always has that lovely cheap perfume smell about him
7. He gives a "State of My Unit" address
6. Second Thursday in April is now "Take a Whore To Work Day"
5. He's smiling...his wife ain't
4. His budget includes line item for "gettin' it on"
3. Before every executive decision asks, "What would Charlie Sheen do?"
2. Local hookers complaining they can't get that "gubernatorial" taste out of their mouths
And the number one sign your governor is having sex with a hooker...
1. Leaves a tip for his wife after sex
Richard Widmark: Hollywood says goodbye to the King of the Weasels.
Jim Nepred: A fellow Disney co-worker and friend, whose death made half of Innoventions cry. Jimbo, I'll miss you.
FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG
A 50-year-old woman was arrested Thursday after Hernando County deputies said she hit her 78-year-old husband several times because she was upset about their sex life. Ursula Fitzner faces a charge of battery on a person 65 or older. Her husband told sheriff's deputies that she sat in his lap for about 16 hours and became irate because she couldn't have sex with him, the Sheriff's Office reported. Fitzner told authorities she did not hit him. She has been arrested several times on similar charges, though some were dropped or abandoned, according to state records. After she was charged in late 2003 and early 2004 with aggravated battery, Hernando County judges found Fitzner not guilty by reason of insanity and ordered her committed to the Florida Department of Children and Families. A judge ordered her recommitted to the DCF on July 25; she was discharged from a state hospital on Jan. 17.
MARCH 27TH IN HISTORY
Pontius Pilate condemns Jesus to death.
Patent for a urinal is granted to Andrew Rankin.
Argentina declares war on Nazi Germany. Of course, this was just a silly charade for the benefit of the world community. Argentina would be a quiet ally of Germany for the duration of the war, even welcoming many Nazi and SS leaders to emigrate there in the aftermath.
One of the largest quakes in US history strikes southeast of Anchorage, Alaska, hitting 8.6 on the richter scale. 118 people are killed, and a tidal wave destroys four square blocks of Anchorage. The control tower at the airport, 60 feet high, snapped. Damage in the state is estimated at $500 million.
The worst airline disaster in history occurs when the confused pilot of a KLM Boeing 747 taking off collides with a Pan Am Boeing 747 which was on the runway. A total of 583 people die.
A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical. “Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?” he asks. “That depends,” says the doctor. “Do you smoke?” “No.” “Do you drink?” “No.” “Do you fool around with loose women?”
“Of course not.” “Well, then,” says the doctor. “Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?”
I interrupt this entry with a verse from the Bible. Philippians 4:13 --- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called Jesus, you will make it to a place called Success. Pass it on to ten people whom you want to see blessed. Don't forget to send it back to the one who sent it to you. I will now bring you back to the regular Phile.
n a move highly reminiscent of Fanboys idol George Lucas, the Weinsteins have announced they will be releasing two editions of the still-unreleased movie on DVD. The problem is, they still haven't announced a theatrical or DVD release date for either version. The Hollywood Reporter has the long and torturous story. If you've been following this poor film's route, you know that the movie centers on a group of friends trying to sneak into Skywalker Ranch so that their cancer-stricken friend can see The Phantom Menace. The Weinsteins decided the entire cancer subplot should be removed, and spent $2 million on reshoots, only to have the film begin failing test screenings. Now, fans (led, it must be said, by the 501st Stormtrooper Legion) have gone on the warpath. 30,000 e-mails have been sent to the production company, along with threats of a boycott of all Weinstein films, a picket line at Superhero Movie, and cries of "Darth Weinstein!" have forced the company's hand -- slightly. The Weinstein Co has agreed to release two versions of the film on DVD -- the original, and the reshot version, and are pondering whether to release both in the theatre. But the wrath of the 501st has not been appeased. "This is clearly a vain attempt by the Weinstein Co. to avert Star Wars fans' impending boycott of all of their films," the group said. "It's not going to work, Darth Weinstein. There was never any doubt that you would release both versions of the movie on DVD, probably months apart, so as to leech as much money from Star Wars fans as possible. Our boycott will continue until the Weinstein Co. announces that they are returning control of Fanboys to the Star Wars fans who made it, releasing the original version in theaters and doing away with their anti-fan version of the film altogether." This is just so unbelievably crazy, I don't even know what to say. I saw a few clips from Fanboys at FX in '07 and thought it was really funny -- and certainly not the kind of film that should provoke so much drama. I can't believe the Weinsteins have wasted so much time and effort in tinkering with the movie rather than simply releasing it. At this point, if they release the original theatrical version, they stand a chance to profit from overjoyed geeks (the 501st alone can probably turn a profit in ticket sales), but it certainly won't do a thing sitting on the shelf. Madness.
Although director Francis Lawrence has hinted otherwise, Keanu Reeves says he has no plans to star as the tortured demonologist in another film. Now, if he said he won't do this movie because he's too busy with Bill & Ted, Part 3, that would be OK. Since we're getting neither, this sucks.
Some sources claim this return to acting for Clint Eastwood is his final appearance as Dirty Harry, while others say this film will have him starring as an uptight white guy trying to get along with his Hmong immigrant neighbors. I'm fine if the film's about him and the immigrants … but only if they're being terrorized by Chinese gangsters and he has to strap on his .45 Magnum again.
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
In an extremely disgusting, majorly NSFW trailer, the new flick from Troma Films features chicken-fried zombies eating the living. However, since the creatures seem so interested in their victims' backsides, I can't tell if the horror takes place in a fast food joint or in a proctologist's office.
I Am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to Be Your Class President
"Daily Show" writer Josh Lieb is crafting both the book and screenplay adaptation about a teenage mastermind who wants to impress his dad. Good thing the kid doesn't run for president of the marching band because that never impresses anybody.
My Bloody Valentine
Yes, they're remaking another low-budget '70s slasher film, but this one will have the gore in 3-D to better gross out audiences. If they really want to make people feel nauseous, then they should force-feed them those disgusting candy-valentine hearts during screenings.
There you go, another entry. Now, here's the sitch... there's not going to be an update next week as on we are going to Washington D.C. on vacation. So, the Phile will be back on April 10th. Until then, spread the word, and remember... Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see. I got a fever of a hundred and three. Come on baby, do you do more than dance? I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded. 'Nuff said.