Hello, and welcome to the Phile, the web's most updated blog. This is going to be a shorter entry this week as I am not feeling that good. I have a pinched nerve or pulled muscle, or I am growing another limb out my neck. At Disney this last week, just about every guest I met was from Canada, and not one
a barenaked lady. New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has been linked to a prostitution ring. He said, “I violated my oath to my family, and I violated my sense of right and wrong.” He also admitted violating someone named Amber. Beautiful day outside. So sunny, Eliot Spitzer came out of a brothel squinting. Spitzer was told about the evidence against him on Friday. Last Friday. I was thinking, “Wow. Somebody had a worse weekend than I did.” He was a regular customer. He was known as “Client 9.” It looks like Client 9 will be looking for Wife 2. He held a press conference where he apologized to his constituents and his family. He didn’t take any questions; he went right home where his wife repeatedly kicked him in the testicles. Tomorrow, President Bush is going to be in New York City to give a speech on the U.S. economy. The speech is made up of only two words: “It blows.“ Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all said that they are the person who should answer the phone at the White House if it rings at 3 a.m. Meanwhile, most Americans think that the White House should just get a receptionist. Bush Lite John McCain announced he’s going to take a trip to Iraq. Which might be a bad idea, because the last time McCain went to a war zone, we didn’t hear from him for five years. Mary Ann from "Gilligan’s Island" arrested. Dawn Wells, the actress who plays Mary Ann on "Gilligan’s Island" was arrested after sheriff’s deputies saw her swerving. They pulled her over and found some half-smoked joints and a bong made out of a coconut, I think. She got five months’ probation. Today, she announced she will resign as governor of Gilligan’s Island.
This week's joke was sent to me by my neice Spring.
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner
says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind LickManeuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG
PGA tour golfer Tripp Isenhour has been charged with killing a hawk on purpose with a golf shot because it was making noise as he videotaped a TV show. The incident happened Dec. 12 at the Grand Cypress Golf course, when Isenhour was with a crew making a segment for the show “Shoot Like A Pro.” He was charged Monday with cruelty to animals and killing a migratory bird. Isenhour’s real name is John Henry Isenhour III. His agent, John Mascatello with SFX World Sports Management, did not immediately return an e-mail or telephone message Thursday. According to court documents, Isenhour grew upset when a red-shouldered hawk began making noise, forcing him and the crew to film another take. The 39-year-old allegedly began hitting balls at the bird, then 300 yards away, but gave up. He started again when the hawk moved within about 75 yards, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer Brian Baine wrote in a report. Isenhour allegedly said “I’ll get him now,” and again aimed for the hawk. “About the sixth ball came very near the bird’s head, and (Isenhour) was very excited that it was so close,” Baine wrote. A few shots later witnesses said he actually hit the hawk. The bird, protected as a migratory species, fell to the ground bleeding from both nostrils. Jethro Senger, a sound engineer at the shoot, said he didn’t hear Isenhour apologize. “He just kept saying how he didn’t think he could have hit it, which I think is a stupid thing for a PGA Tour golfer to say,” Senger said. “He can put a ball in a hole from hundreds of yards away, and here he is hitting line drives at something that’s, I don’t know, a couple hundred feet away?” Senger said the incident was “basically like a joke to(Isenhour).” He said no one in the roughly 15-person crew intervened, and many later regretted it. “Itwas one of those cases where there’s some trepidation on whether or not they should speak up and do something,” Senger said. Senger said the incident was not captured on video. The bird was buried at the golf course and later dug up by Florida investigators.
MARCH 13TH IN HISTORY
An anarchist from the radical group People's Will throws a bomb which disrupts Czar Alexander II's motorcade. After he thanks God for his deliverance, the anarchist yells "It is too early to thank God" and throws a second bomb, causing injuries from which Alexander bleeds to death.
Twenty-two persons killed in a poison rice episode, China. Five cooks are blamed.
At 3:15am, bar manager Catherine "Kitty" Genovese is raped and stabbed to death outside her apartment building in Queens, NY. None of her 38 neighbors who witness the 32-minute ordeal even bothers to call the cops. Later in court, several testify hearing her scream: "Oh my God! He stabbed me! Please help me! I'm dying!"
Salim and Ruksana Patel find the arabic word for Allah spelled in the seeds of an aubergine (a Persian eggplant variant) which they intended for a casserole at their home in Bolton, England. Their local mullah declares it a miracle.
Hassan Abdullah's wife accidentally severs her husband's penis while she was "dreaming about strangling him". Luckily for Abdullah doctors in Malaysia were able to successfully reattach his endangered manhood, but not so lucky is the fact that he sleeps with a woman who keeps a knife in bed and dreams about strangling her husband.
Rumors have been flying today that Bryan Singer is indeed working on the sequel to Superman Returns. Well, it is not just rumor -- Singer himself confirmed it to Empire. "Yes, I'm just getting back with writers after the strike. We're just in the development phase. I'm starting to develop a sequel . . .with the intention of directing it." He lashes out at claims that first film was a flop, pointing out that it made $400 million. If you're thinking "It wasn't a flop financially, Singer, it was a flop because no one liked it," well, he addresses that too. He promises the next one will up the stakes. "The first one was a romantic film and a nostalgic film. I'll be the first person to own up to that without making any apologies for it. I knew it was going to be that from the outset. And now that the characters are established, there's really an opportunity to up the threat levels . . .Clearly there'll be a body count. From frame one, it will be unrelenting terror! All those teenage girls who found the movie and mooned over James Marsden or Brandon [Routh]? Well, I'm going to wake them up!" My problem is that I didn't find it nostalgic or romantic, I just found it rather dull. I stopped believing a man could fly, and wondered instead why James Marsden was always losing his girls to men of steel and adamantium. All the pieces were there for a fantastic reboot, a film that could reintroduce Superman to a new audience, but it simply fell flat. I do believe Singer has it in him -- and he does tend to be better with superhero sequels than his originals. So I will forgive and forget, and happily await the next installment.
There are two new fast-paced trailers featuring a ton of crazy racing footage. One also has the part where John Goodman yells: "Think you can drive a car and change the world? It doesn't work that way." That must be the scene when Speed asks about driving a Prius.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Paramount has finally officially unveiled the film's worst-kept secret by clearly showing an alien skull on the new poster. Best kept secret: That thing is just some trinket Indy pulls out of an ancient Crackerjack box; the real skull of the title has yet to be revealed.
Untitled Judd Apatow Comedy
All we actually know is that it'll star Adam Sandler. Little known fact: Apatow and Sandler lived together as roommates back when they were both struggling stand-up comedians. They had a falling out, though, when Apatow finally threw Sandler out the window for practicing that annoying Opera Man character.
Brett Ratner is attached to direct an adaptation of this obscure superhero comic from the '90s that's described as a "young Blade Runner." So does that mean there'll eventually be five different director's cuts released on DVD someday? Because just one of that guy's films is bad enough.
Monsters vs. Aliens
A USA Today article features a first look at an animated giant Reese Witherspoon. She's not the only thing big about the film. Producer Jeffrey Katzenberg says ticket prices will cost more due to the expensive 3-D process, and he thinks audiences will pony up for a "premium experience." The only "premium experience" I want is a toilet built into my seat for when I buy the extra large drink.
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Yep, a remake of the cult comedy about the vicious vegetables is in the works. And don't tell me that the tomato is technically a fruit. The Supreme Court decided it was a vegetable in a controversial 1893 court case over tariffs. Also decided by the Court: It is unnatural for them to marry.
Alien vs. Predator 3
Studio sources insist a second sequel is a "certainty." Maybe this time they'll give the fans what they really want — the two killer E.T.'s dismembering the folks who made the first two disasters.
There you have it, a quick entry tonight. This weekend is the free Hootie & The Blowfish concert and the Peverett's Easter party. I still have to post pics of Megacon on the Phile's Myspace page and I will post pics of the concert. Also, we are so, so close to hit 4000 views by March 23rd, so if you haven't done already, spread the word, not the turd.