Thursday, February 22, 2007

03687 Days Since The Last Time I Gave A Shit

Are you ready? Are you ready for one of the most read blogs on the internet? Welcome to the Peverett Phile, back on Thursday again. This week's entry is sponsored by Hovan: the white man's burrito. So, did you hear about the mummified man on Long Island who was watching tv? The real test for that mummified guy comes on Sunday. We’ll see if he can make it through the Academy Awards. The other day I was going to eat some peanut butter when I thought to myself, 'what would Britney do?' I cannot believe the whole peanut butter deal. I blame JetBlue. JetBlue has apologized now for stranding thousands of passengers and today, JetBlue's president introduced a passenger bill of rights. First on the list is "You have the right to fly Delta and United.” The White House denied an assertion by Sen. Harry Reid that the Iraq war is the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history. The White House said, "You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office.” Earlier this week, President Bush spoke on the phone with the prime minister of Australia. When the prime minister told him it was tomorrow in Australia, Bush's head exploded. Presidential hopeful Barack Obama held a big fund raiser the other night. Everyone was there; Spielberg was there; Clooney was there; Anniston was there . . . I was unable to make it. I understand why a presidential hopeful would want Hollywood support. It’s crucial; you’re gonna need it. Let’s not forget Barbra Streisand almost single-handedly put President Kerry in the White House. There’s a lot of buzz about Barack Obama. There was a lot of buzz about Snakes in a Plane as well. Barack Obama has admitted smoking pot and doing cocaine. He’s admitted it! You’re gonna need a squeeky clean record to get elected. George W. Bush would never have been elected if he had ever done cocaine . . .  Some good news on disgraced Rev. Ted Haggert. Remember this guy? He resigned after America learned that he bought methamphetamines and had a lot of gay sex with a male prostitute. Two weeks ago he announced he is no longer gay. There’s been a lot of skepticism about this. He silenced critics today with the release of an incredible video tape. "It’s Ted Haggert as you’ve never seen him before. Straight! Watch the reverend prove his heterosexuality in 90 minutes of hot steamy reverend-on-wife action with absolutely no gayness! Just as the Lord intended.” Here’s something ugly. In the year 2036, an asteroid’s gonna hit. The question President Bush has been asking himself all day is, "Where is Superman?” Michael Jackson is reportedly upset because he was unable to get tickets to the NBA All-Star Game. However, Michael felt better about missing the game after someone explained to him that Jason Kidd is actually a grown man. One of the male contestants on "American Idol" is being criticized because he once posed nude for a magazine. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul is being criticized because she once posed nude for a shot of Jager. This weekend President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as "the guy who invented the penny."  The latest political rumor is that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, she will be replaced in the Senate by her husband Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, "I dream of replacing Hillary every day." For the first time ever, New Jersey allowed homosexuals to enter into civil unions. Now they just have to find a homosexual who will admit to living in New Jersey. Over the weekend, Britney Spears got two tattoos and shaved her head. The amazing thing is, it's the most motherly thing she's done in weeks. I guess her whoopidy dee-doo, her la-la-la, her labidoodah is not the only thing she shave's, if you catch my drift. And finally, Tuesday was my 19th anniversary working for Disney. I just don't know what to say about that.


Here's to another year of virginity! Cheers!


Rize: Epilepsy Set To Music

And now for a new feature called...


Just two years after the "Stars Wars Christmas Special", and a forgotten appearance on the Donny and Marie variety show, the “stars of Star Wars” made a special guest appearance on the Muppet Show. (In a surreal moment, Mark Hamill attempts to do a Fozzie Bear impersonation, unintentionally reminding everyone how much Fozzie always sounded like Yoda.) Kermit the Frog tries to lure Hamill and his droids into performing a musical number, noting to C-3PO that “your little garbage can friend wants to.” But when the big finish arrives, it’s a hunt for Darth Vader — assisted by the intrepid cast of “Pigs in Space.” After a crash-landing (”You forgot to push the stoppy thing”), they discover a much shorter Darth Vader — played by Gonzo, with Miss Piggy standing in for Princess Leia. The spectacular dialogue about phasers is interrupted by an appearance by Angus McGonigle the Gargling Argyle Gargoyle, until — sure enough — the cast breaks into a poorly-explained music number.


On The Amazing Race, the stunning vistas, demanding challenges, and twists power the drama and adrenaline rush; the humor and amusement, however, tends to come from the things the teams say. Tight editing makes almost every word entertaining, but some lines still stand out. Here, then, is the first of 13 looks back at The Amazing Race 11’s episodes, highlighting the best and worst of what they said. Well, all except six minutes: This wouldn’t be a season of The Amazing Race without CBS’ prime-time schedule being screwed up by afternoon sporting events, as the all-star race began 27 minutes late. Here’s an idea: Save that time next week by just canceling the evening news. Or the half-hour of alleged local news. In any case, I missed a few minutes at the top of the hour, and the description of the Detour, the bastards. Phil Keoghan introduced “11 of our most memorable teams,” which is a good way of saying that the teams are both loved and loathed. He also said “they will do just about anything in their second chance to win $1 million,” which I think means some team is going to prostitute themselves. Oh wait, that’s what Rob and Amber are already doing with their lives. “This time, whole new bag of tricks,” Rob promised us, with that punchable smirk on his face. He’s on screen for 30 seconds and already I want to get in my car, set the cruise control to 70 mph, open the door, and dangle my face out so it can drag along the pavementand distract me from the pain I feel when I have to watch him. Talking about his new teammate, Eric said of Danielle, “I like that she has a lot of attitude.” But no penis! Oh, I kid Eric and his ringed nipples. As Charla ran past Drew—yes, Charla ran past Drew!—he said to Kevin, “I’m doing the best I could. You’re killing me here!” Even Charla was in shock, saying, “I can’t believe I outran Drew.” Eric non-ironically said, “As long as [Danielle] realizes that I’m in charge, then we should be fine.” Oh, Eric, we already knew that you’re a top. “Amber and I did not drag our asses back for the Amazing Race all-stars to finish in second place,” Rob said. Hopefully, you dragged your overexposed asses back to come in 11th place. Rob committed an act of kindness by telling a shuttle bus driver to stop for another team—but then he killed the moment by demanding viewers and the editors notice that he’s not always a prick. “It was the first kind gesture I have made, so I want it noted. It kills me to do it, too,” he said. At the Miami airport, the teams ran down their own roped-off aisle to an unoccupied American Airlines ticket agent, as dozens of other people stood in the real line and gave them looks of death. In the airport, David and Mary bumped into two people that, “for us, just to meet them,” David said, means “we’ve already won,” Mary finished. The objects of their awe were, tragically and sadly, just Rob and Amber. Oswald said, “Right now, my hands are clammy, and my face is going through menopause.” Some all-star race: For their first night, the teams received a place to sleep, cots, and departure times that equalized the pack, erasing the few hours of time difference in the two flights. Why don’t we just put them on a cruise ship and let them race around its deck? “Everybody always underestimates them because he’s crotchety and old-looking,” Joe said of Ian, a phrase Ian should have printed on the back of that flappy hat of his. “Peru is nice. It’s beautiful out,” Drew said. Kevin gently replied, “I’m sure it’s nice in Peru. We’re in Ecuador.” I love them. Mirna read from the Detour task instructions, “wrangle it is going to require holding down a wild horse,” she said. “That’s fine; I’ll hold it,” Charla said, as a gong crash expressed the skepticism of the show’s composer. And that was one of the episode’s more subtle audio cues; perhaps I tuned it out as last season progressed, but the orchestra seems to be very heavy-handed now, with cymbals crashing and drums pounding every other second, suggesting eminent disaster and dire consequences to nearly every other word that someone says. Rob and Amber came in first. Back in a moment after some additional pavement face-dragging. John Vito and Jill were eliminated, but that was far less interesting than what David and Mary said on the mat. “We’ve always been fans of theirs [the other teams]; we are their biggest fans. And now we get to meet ‘em, and some of them even like us,” David told Phil, creeping the fuck out of every other team. Tune in next week when the other teams use that line when they file for restraining orders.


1987: Andy Warhol dies of complications after gallbladder surgery, though the details are hazy. The official cause was listed as cardiac arrhythmia, but speculation includes his fear of hospitals as well as possible Cefoxitin allergy. Warhol's death brings him a bonus 15 minutes of fame. 1993: The United States Supreme Court rejects a move by singer Chuck Berry to move his case to Federal court. Various women sued Berry alleging he videotaped them going potty in his St. Louis restaurant. 1994: CIA agent Aldrich Ames charged with conspiracy to commit espionage. His betrayal, starting in 1985, resulted in the executions of a good number of important undercover agents within the Soviet Union. The CIA knew without doubt there was a mole in its ranks. And though by 1989 Ames had acquired unexplainable wealth from his spying and did very little to conceal the spying, he somehow managed to evade being caught for five more years. 1997: The first cloning of an advanced mammal, a sheep known as Dolly, is announced in the news media. Dolly was cloned from a mammary cell, her name being taken from the topheavy Dolly Parton, star of the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. 


See, this is what happens when you give an ex-junkie a gun just in case a human bomb turns up, and tell him to use it to "save the world." Not HRG's best strategy, and a tragedy for Simone (Tawny Cypress). I think Nathan, succumbing to the more cynical side of his nature, will be relieved by this turn of events, because of his fears over Simone's earlier stated intention to go public with her knowledge of special abilities. Not that Simone would have been believed any more that Claire was when she opened up to her Mom's doctor. Nathan, by the way, tells Simone exactly how he would handle persons with special abilities: treat them like lab rats and isolate them. This, as we know, is pretty much the philosophy of HRG's organization, anyhow. Claire has seen her mother nearly destroyed. Now she finally openly challenges HRG. He's lucky here that Claire's super-ability is purely defensive. HRG still believes that ignorance is bliss, that the family is somehow more secure with, for example, Sylar's recent intrusion of the home wiped from Mom's memory. The strategy makes is pretty hard for his loved ones to watch out for themselves. HRG describes his wife as "a sweet soul" who shouldn't be burdened with these potential threats. It's a quintessentially patronizing attitude. HRG wants to believe there is a sphere of his life that he by himself can keep pure and apart from the darker realities the he has become privy too. That's about to come crashing down for him. A newer hero gets that ball rolling, when she makes her first onscreen appearance. Wireless arrives ready to rock. She's got full command of her powers and a snazzy leather outfit. She's already a hero, which is cool, because we've seen enough folks struggling to figure out their powers for one season. It's also great to see a new female character, especially a really powerful one, as the show's regular compliment of superheroes is quite dude-heavy. Wireless is out to form her own superhero team and take down HRG. She explains the meaning of the neck marks to Radioactive Ted. Her plan is to nuke a certain Odessa Texas paper supply company, thus freeing all heroes and potential heroes from government persecution and tracking. Ted then helps recruit Matt. I was pleasantly surprised that they then get to it without delay. Showing up at HRG's home is kind of intense (with its potential to harm innocents) but I figure they had to try that in order to get at HRG away his secret compound. HRG , for his part, should invest in a better home security system in addition to wiping out his family's memories. The call to arms from Ted, by the way, comes just at the right moment to prevent Matt from doing as his wife urges and returning the diamonds. I figure at this point Linderman will probably find out about the diamonds somehow before Matt has a chance to do anything with them. So, more trouble for him. I wonder if Matt's wife has an ability of her own by the way: Super-Quick Pregnancy Woman. She was really showing all of the sudden this week. Dale, with the super hearing, is another person who is happy and accepting of her power. Unfortunately she doesn't guess the real reason Sylar's heart is racing when he and Mohinder first meet her. Her best line: "that was my favorite wrench," after Sylar melts it. On his return visit, Sylar (fittingly) has the creepiest line of the night. When Dale asks him what that sound is in his heart, "Murder," he tells her. But on that initial meeting Dale talked about how her power used to drive her crazy until she learned toAndo control it. It's small comfort to her now, by Sylar suffers once he absorbs the power, which is a pretty good twist. So far as we've seen up to now, Sylar seems to control the new powers he absorbs pretty easily. Several blurbs I saw online made it sound like Ando was going to be the one to die. Fortunately not, but he came too close to it for Hiro's taste. Hiro decides he must go it alone, despite his own reasonable arguments early to the Gaming Commission Agent, about the benefits of having a partner. I really don't want this to be the last of Ando, though the fate of Simone (not to mention Claire's mom) shows how dangerous it is becoming for the normal people who've become mixed up with the heroes. Hiro leaves the trusty Nissan Versa with Ando, which maybe is a clue that Ando will return, since he is now in sole possession of this prominent product placement. Hiro them boards a bus driven by the legendary Stan "The Man" Lee, of Marvel Comics fame, in a cameo. I'm looking forward to the showdown at Casa Bennet next week, and maybe, since nothing happened on this front tonight, Jessica going after Nathan. Also, what will Peter do to the Artist? He was justifiably pissed at Isaac selling him out to HRG. Isaac did this more out of jealousy than concern for the city, no matter what he says. Actually, Peter will probably fall back into an even deeper depression. While in NYC, HRG remarks to Isaac that "someone we thought was dead is alive," meaning he and the Haitian thought Claude was dead. This explains why Claude has been staying invisible for years, even though he can evidently become visible at will if he wants too. The Devereaux building sounds like it is well know to HRG too, and probably not just because of Claude's pigeon coop. That rooftop setting has been seen many times in the series, and may be shown to have some major significance, even now that Simone, the last Devereaux, is gone, alas.




The Simpsons Movie: The latest trailer actually includes a bunch of scenes from the film. But let me get this straight: Dakota Fanning stirs up controversy for a sex scene in Hounddog, but Bart can ride his skateboard naked and nobody bats an eyelash? Talk about a double standard …

Indiana Jones IV: Rumors abound that Shia LaBeouf will be starring as Indy's son in the sequel. We could all have been wrong — maybe there is life after Project Greenlight.

If Looks Could Kill Christina Ricci looks like a pig. No, no, that's the plot to her new movie. She's still cute in real life, but I also predict she's one more uglying-up role away from winning an Oscar.

Live Free Or Die Hard: They're calling it Die Hard 4.0 overseas, according to the international trailer, which also includes some scenes not in the American version. Die Hard 4.01: Bruce Willis stops at the Quickie Mart to buy a pack of gum and catches a guy stealing from the penny tray — even though he doesn't need it! So he throws the guy through the front plate-glass window.

Wild Hogs: These clips are way funnier than I thought they would be. Not as much as Nicolas Cage's bizarro Elvis impersonation in Ghost Rider, but at least here it was intentional. And "Slow Ride" is in the movie, so that can't be that bad. Gotta love movies with biker scenes.

The Hobbit: New Line chairman Robert Shaye says the LOTR prequel will be in theaters in 2009, despite still not having a director or a script. So he's hot to follow up the most lavish and extravagant film series of all time with a quickie.

And now, for the review of Ghost Rider. Starring Nicolas Cage, Eva Mendes, Donal Logue, Wes Bentley, Peter Fonda. Believe it or not, it does, in fact, have a plot. Cage is Johnny Blaze, a motorcycle stunt rider who makes a deal with Satan (Fonda, for that Easy Rider association you just know Cage was all giddy about) to save his father from cancer. After that, Cage is assigned to be the devil's bounty hunter, and he gets a very cool ride to do it on. Sometimes a movie fails and succeeds at the same time. Because by any real-world standard, this is a stupid piece of junk. But it's very good at being a stupid piece of junk, if for no other reason than the insane premise and for being kind of a window into Cage's bizarro soul: the strange, borderline-Liza Minnelli wig he's wearing; the immobile face that defies plastic surgery accusations because for all we know he injects it with some kind of exotic snake venom to freeze the forehead muscles — you know, as an acting choice — before the director yells, "Action!"; and the Elvis-isms. So many of those happening. It adds up to nonstop fascination if you're paying attention to the right details. The best parts are when he's on fire and riding the bike and meting out justice to the damned. I mean, obviously. Then there's the scene where he's sitting at home watching a chimp do karate on TV, eating a martini glass full of jellybeans and listening to the Carpenters sing "Superstar." They play that song a few times here. In fact, the scene where Logue tries to interrupt Cage while he's listening to the song and Cage says "You're stepping on Karen" may be my favorite line of dialogue in a movie of 2007. I know it's only February, but is it going to get better than that? I doubt it. From 1 to 10 (10 being the best), I give this movie a 6, but I'll still get it on DVD when it comes out.

Okay, whew, what a long Peverett Phile. This weekend we're planning to go to Clearwater for the weekend, so that should be fun. I am sure I'll post pics on the Phile's webshots page. Also, check out the Phile's Myspace page. I am still wanting to reach 2000 views by June or July, so, please...spread the word and not the turd.



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