It Stinks To Be Number 2

Hello there, and welcome to the Phile. where the jokes are outsourced. This entry of the Phile is brought to you by The Super Bowl: The Oscars for straight guys. So, at Disney World, part of their Where Dreams Come True promotion, they're giving away a night at Cinderella's Castle pretty much every day. If I won it, I would stand naked at the window, arms up and yell, "Hello, Main Street." Sad news in entertainment today: Anna Nicole Smith was found dead here in Florida. Thank god it wasn't Britney Spears. Were you aware that it’s Fashion Week? There’s a brand new line of clothing unveiled earlier today by Chicago Bears’ quarterback Rex Grossman. The nice thing about it is, it comes apart at the seams. How about that story, you know the NASA astronaut? When they caught her, she was wearing a wig and an adult diaper. There was a lot of confusion, because originally, authorities thought she was Elton John. She drove 900 miles in a diaper. That’s pretty amazing. Britney Spears can’t even make it around the block in her underpants. Everyone in the world is running for president. Political experts are now saying that to win the presidency in 2008, a candidate has to get "hot." After hearing this, Bill Clinton said Hillary is doomed. Yesterday Ozzy Osbourne announced that he’s going to perform at this year’s Ozz Fest without getting paid. Afterwards, the concert’s promoter said, "Don’t tell Ozzy, but we haven’t paid him for 12 years.” Paula Abdul says, when she’s on "American Idol,” she doesn’t just pick people by singing ability, she also judges how well they’ve put together their look. In other words, Abdul picks whoever looks old enough to buy her a drink. Mars is getting some flak over a Super Bowl commercial they aired. They decided to pull it after complaints that it was homophobic. The Skittles people get no complaints at all. "Chase the Rainbow” isn’t gay? One group called it the most bigoted ad since Junior Mints launched their "Little Mint That’s Not for Mexicans” campaign. Me? I am offended that Jessica Simpson didn't show enough cleavage in her Pizza Hut commercial. According to a new study, over 18 million American men currently suffer from erectile dysfunction. Doctors say that number could double if Hillary gets elected. It's been so cold here in Central Florida this week. Here’s how cold it is: Earlier today, President Bush said, "See, I fixed global warming.” It’s awful cold. It’s chillier than dinner at Ryan O’Neill’s house. Apple Computer and the Beatles have finally settled their lawsuit over the use of the name Apple. Apparently Paul McCartney wants to focus on one legal battle at a time. Johnny Knoxville of "Jackass” is getting divorced from his wife. Now listen, if you think ramming a shopping cart into your testicles is painful, you wait until you get into divorce court . . . In Atlantic City a gambler gave birth to a baby on the casino floor. What is she thinking? You know you gotta know when to hold ’em. You gotta know! The mayor of San Francisco has announced he’s going into rehab casue he got busted for sleeping with a married woman. The people of San Francisco are disgusted at this flagrant heterosexual behavior in their town. The Indianapolis Colts are Super Bowl champions. They beat the Bears on Sunday. The quarterback for the Bears, Rex Grossman, he had a very difficult day; he couldn’t stay on his feet, which was doubly embarrassing, because Prince did the whole halftime show in high heels and had no trouble at all. They make the T-shirts and the hats that say, "Super Bowl Champions” in advance, so that they can wear then right after the game, and I always wonder what happens to the T-shirts they make for the losing team and fortunately we have the news to explain all things to us: "They will be handed out to developing nations like Nigeria, Uganda and Sierra Leon.” That’s weird! Super Bowl shirts aren’t the only rejected clothing they ship over there . . . this one recently turned up: "Dick Cheney Never Shot an Old Man in the Face.” Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy became the first African-American coach to win the Super Bowl, and today, President Bush called to congratulate him. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, "I also thought you were great in the halftime show.” Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren’t deciphered until this week.

BROKEN

This Nesquick bottle of chocolate milk instructs thirsty consumers to: Remove seal Shake well ...in that order. Obviously, this is not an ideal workflow. And to think - several people with decision-making powers must have seen this label before it reached your hands!

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

This lady is dressed as The Queen Amidala decoy that never, ever fooled anyone.

NOTE: While looking for photographs for this feature, I found several hundred that I could've made this same joke for, but there could be only one! Congratulation, lady in this picture, for being the one I chose!

CANNED LAUGHTER

A friend at work named Silver Fox told me this joke yesterday: Q: What do you call 64 people watching the Super Bowl? A: The Chicago Bears.

And now for a new feature called...

REJECTED MOVIE SLOGANS

Rocky Balboa: 1976 Speed bag 2007 Colostomy bag

HEROES

Before the heroes can eliminate troublesome distractions they must discover what their own true distractions are. Claude is a kick, and Peter finds out the hard way that he is also quite the hands-on teacher. The invisible Claude might be cynical and a misanthrope, but he does get results. Being thrown off a thirty-story building quickly clarifies things for Peter, though his subsequent revelation is exactly the opposite of Claude's philosophy. And Peter's breakthrough makes him more clearly a kind of anti-Sylar. Each absorbs powers, Sylar does it while killing, Peter does it by allowing himself to feel a life-affirming connection to the other heroes he has caught an ability from. It starts with a memory of Claire, who we now know happens to be Peter's niece. Judging from guesses made in the comments here last week, the reveal of Nathan as Claire's real father wasn't that much of a surprise to anyone. Really though, besides the as-yet-unseen Linderman, there weren't a lot of other likely candidates. Nathan is also the only character who wears dress shirts with the cuffs rolled up as seen in all the NBC promos this week. So there you go. "Some family," as both Claire and her birth-mom say. Anyway, I'd rather it be Nathan, and a little too obvious to figure out, than have had some goofy twist just for the sake of having a twist. Claire turning out to be a Petrelli opens up some story possibilities, and give her a good reason to blow Odessa for the Big Apple. Only question is whether she will bring the ever-increasingly-studly Zach along. Just how strong are those Haitian brain-wipes anyway? As I've said before, I am constantly made happy by the knowledge that so many characters act in their own interest and share information with each other on a regular basis on his show. Claire and her real mom reveal their powers to one another, for one thing. More impressively, Hiro stands right up to his father when his father demands he return to Japan and fulfill his destiny. As we know, Hiro sees another destiny for himself and in fact says so. Nevertheless, he is presented here with a real dilemma. His family is counting on him and his father's own reputation as a leader is on the line for his perceived inability to control his own son. Ando adds to Hiro's despair by helpfully reminding him that his time/space-bending ability seems to have disappeared anyway. Maybe it's time to give up the good fight? Hiro's solution is inventive; he appears to agree, but only to demonstrate how very wrong he is for the job of corporate vice president. The true and proper heir to the family fortunes has been right in front of the old man all along. He has been too tradition-bound to realize that his own daughter should be running the company. This was little more serious than many of the Hiro and Ando adventures, but it seems to me Hiro made one of his most significant steps yet toward becoming his own person, and the hero he believes he is destined to be. All this honest family sharing once again point out how badly H.R.G. is screwing up at home. Mr. Bennet's wife (who almost slips out with H.R.G.'s first name -- what a tease) is so loopy from frequent brain-wipes that it takes her a disturbingly long time to find anything the least bit odd about a creepy-eyebrow man with a very flimsy cover story slinking around her house. When Claire comes home to discover evidence that something is amiss, she smiles brightly at her adopted father. He's proven himself so manipulative and deceptive in her eyes that she doesn't feel the slightest guilt at deceiving him any longer. Really too bad for H.R.G. that he took that path with her. After Homecoming, they had a chance to be close. Instead he chooses to try and keep her, and everyone close to him, in the dark forever, believing that there is safety in ignorance. He's wrong about that. What the heck was Sylar thinking by not killing H.R.G. when escaping the paper mill? That's a little convenient. The best excuse I can come up with is that Sylar wanted to come back later and torture H.R.G. with the news of Claire's death, or something. The only other plot point that bugged me in another otherwise great episode was when Peter sees Isaac and Simone touching foreheads in an innocent, but easily misinterpreted, moment right out of every romantic comedy made in the last twenty-five years. When you are invisible and spying on your girlfriend, you might as well go ahead and stand close enough to hear the actual conversation. It would help minimize any misunderstandings. I had hoped to see D.L. react to learning last week that Micah has an ability. I also wonder how they handled the money Micah dumped out of his school bag. However, next week, this family will have more to worry about than money now that Niki...Jessica (and only Niki... Jessica) is free. I think we got the answer to the question of how she is supposed to be a hero. She isn't. Looks to me like she's been destined to be a villain all along. Before she tasered the spit out of her doctor, there was a little hope that maybe Niki and Jessica could, through counseling, merge into some emotionally-balanced warrior chick. Now I'm thinking not. Pure evil. If Peter had a detonator sticking out of his head, Jessica would probably ignite it. Marvel comics icon Stan "The Man" Lee will make a cameo appearance on the Monday, February 19th episode of "Heroes". Entitled "Unexpected," Lee will play a bus driver who has an encounter with Hiro Nakamura. Is it because we have proof positive that Masi Oka was once a nerd supreme - works part-time for George Lucas, on the cover of Time circa 1987 as an Asian-American Whiz Kid - that he gets to have allthe geek-out encounters on "Heroes"? His dad is George Takei. He rides the bus with Stan Lee. Anyone want to start making guesses as to what uber-geek chic run-in Hiro will have next? Frank Miller? Alan Moore? The cast of "Firefly"? Xeni Jardin? He's got an in with Lucas.

DAD

 

MOVIE BUZZ

The Hardy Men: Tom Cruise and Ben Stiller may star in an updated version of the old Shaun Cassidy TV show. Apparently, Tom likes the idea of parodying his self-image. Heck, why not stick Katie in there as Nancy Drew and be done with it?

Barbarella: Scarlett Johansson is now the front-runner for the starring role. I haven't been this excited about a sci-fi movie since they put Princess Leia in that gold bikini in Return of the Jedi.

Wonder Woman: It's official: Joss Whedon is off the big-screen remake because the suits didn't like his take on the character. Hmmm. Maybe not such a good idea calling it Wonder Woman: The Vampire Slayer?

Ghostbusters: Hellbent: Dan Aykroyd wants to make another sequel, but Bill Murray will only do it if the characters are all-CGI. Great … now I got something else to be ticked off at Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties over …

The Sandman: Joel Schumacher says he wants to adapt Neil Gaiman's cult comic. OK, who wants to run down to the courthouse right now and file the restraining order keeping him 500 yards away from any superhero movie ever again? The Flash: Hot off Night at the Museum, director Shawn Levy is going to bring the scarlet speedster to life. If he plans to stick Ben Stiller in a superhero costume, I'll put his name on the restraining order next to Schumacher's. Well, there you go, folks, another entry done. Please check out the Peverett Phile webshots page at http://community.webshots.com/user/PeverettPhile and the Peverett Phile Myspace page at http://www.myspace.com/peverettphile. I will leave you with a random pic. Spread the word, not the turd.