Don't Let It Break You Down

Now don't get bent out of shape, don't start tearing out your hair, one a sweet little angel, that stuff's nowhere. When the bombs go off on Oxford Street and the kids beat up old people, it's just a soundtrack for your life it's just everyday evil. Some people are in charge of pens that shouldn't be in charge of brooms, they have the nerve to rip up a man's life in a paragraph or two. And the aeroplanes get hijacked and all the Americans get killed, and the children are addicted to a sugar-coated pill. Well you get sent out on the racetrack, you get spurs dug in your cheeks, you'll see a winning post in the distance that you'll never reach. And there's a hole in the atmosphere gets bigger every time you spray your hair, and someone's drilling down through the earth just to see what's there. Don't let it break you down.

   Hello, and welcome to the Phile. Did you hear they found a stingray suit in jeff Corwin's apartment? According to a new Pew poll people in the country of Jordan view Americans as rude. Well that’s not as bad as the rest of the Middle East that thinks we are Satan! Pakistan is promising not to arrest Osama bin Laden as long as he promises to live a peaceful life. A peaceful life. And you thought L.A. was a safe place for murderers to live. Over in England Prime Minister Tony Blair has decided he will step down in May. Looks like President Bush has toppled another foreign government. Two hundred miles off the coast of New Orleans the largest oil reserve is believed to have been discovered. It could increase our reserves by 50 percent and be worth over $15 billion. This reserve could cut the price of gas by a penny! Have you seen this kid from Orange County that became a terrorist? You can tell he’s from Orange County because instead of infidel he says, "infi-dudes”. Earlier this week a man passed away while on Amtrak. No one noticed the man was dead until after the 23 hour train ride was over. People realized he was dead when they discovered he smelled better than anyone else on Amtrak. A new article in "Newsweek” is out talking about what it’s like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend that’s an atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don’t know why.
How about Andre Agasi? He played his heart out this weekend at the U.S. Open. His final match and he’s retired now. He’s retiring because his back is going out. It’s the same reason why Paris Hilton no longer makes videos. Did everybody have a nice Labor Day? President Bush encouraged all Americans to plant a tree, until Press Secretary Tony Snow said, "Mr. President, that's Arbor Day." Katie Couric made her debut hosting the CBS 'Evening News' earlier this week. This is a historic fact -- not a female anchor -- someone under the age of 70 doing the news on CBS. At the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards last week, former Vice President Al Gore lectured the audience about global warming. The Rock 'n' Roll audience cheered, gave him a standing ovation, and then they got in their stretch limos, went to the airport, got in their private jets, and flew home to Malibu. And finally, Hillary Clinton said today that she hopes American is ready for a woman in the Oval Office. See, that was the great thing about her husband, Bill. He was always ready for a woman in the Oval Office.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY 

Well, Sunday’s episode of Big Brother would go down in history as the most depressing ever, if it weren’t for the final moments. It will, however, be forever known as the most nauseating episode ever. That’s because there were long, extended sequences about the two in-house romances/showmances, including a montage of Mike Boogie and Erika make out. While that sight alone is enough to make one’s digestive tract contract so forcefully that food from days ago makes a reappearance. But that wasn’t the most horrifying part. The worst part was watching two reasonably intelligent women be manipulated by two shameless men. Boogie is by far the worst; as I mentioned before, anyone who dates him (or Howie) in real life must be pretty damn desperate. “I think it’d be cute to have us the final two. The two lovebirds,” Erika said, nearly wetting her pants with excitement. Of course, we were then treated to Mike straightforwardly telling us that “Erika is under the impression that if we can get to the final three that I will take her to the finals. That ain’t happenin’.” Tragically, we still had to watch them make out all over the house, including one night vision scene that almost seemed like they were having sex, especially when Erika asked, “Think they show this on television?” Boogie replied, “What happens under the covers stays under the covers.” Seriously, I have never come so close to barfing, and that was even before the baby talk. “I want to have a baby with Mike. We’re going to have a baby,” Erika cooed through that odd mouth of hers. Mike and Will said the baby would be named “Chillium,” and Will asked if he could deliver it. Erika has totally fallen into the grips of this ludicrous fantasy — Does she not remember Krista? Does she not have any care at all that MIKE “BOOGIE” MALIN WOULD BE THE FATHER OF HER CHILD?!Anyway, Erika insisted to us “that there will definitely be something between the two of us when we leave.” Then Mike informed us, from the safety of the diary room, “Erika is going to be extremely hurt after the show. I’m a bad, bad person. I’m going to hell.” If there’s any justice in the world, yes. Janelle wasn’t quite as bad as Erika, but it’s pathetic to watch how enamored by Will she is. “Of course I like you,” she told him, and then later, after he let his facade crack a little bit in the hot tub, she stormed off, apparently actually upset at him. Her infatuation really seems to have affected her game.Or has it? At the very end of the episode, she told us, “I’ve got to put a stop to this madness that Chill Town’s created. No matter what they tell me, my judgment tells me that, logically, they win the veto, I’m gone.” Finally! If they fail and Janelle wins the veto yet again, she’d be smart to kick Will out right then, just like he did to Boogie in season two. She’d be our hero again. But I’d bet a quarter that, even if she does win the veto, she’ll go after Erika, instead of, say, allying with her and taking her to the final two. I’ve complained non-stop about this season of Big Brother 7, and for good reasons, but all of the boredom and disappointment was, I realized last night, totally worth it. Because tonight, we ahd our first truly exciting and suspenseful moments for the first time this entire season, and they came right before Janelle evicted Will from the house. Yes she did! To her credit, Janelle finally recognized what an idiot she’s been, letting Chill Town manipulate her. “I really feel like this summer I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the house, and after tonight, I’m done making mistakes,” Janelle said, before casting the lone eviction vote. “For Marcellas and Howie, I vote to evict you, Will.” And the world momentarily stopped spinning. My exultation about Janelle’s decision will keep me giddy for weeks, but seeing the look of utter horror and disbelief on Mike “Boogie” Malin’s face after Will left was like a check for a million dollars hidden under the frosting of the cake. Surprisingly, Erika deserves a lot of credit for helping to bring Janelle back on track. Just two days ago, she was pondering squeezing out Mike’s baby, but then she came to her senses and gave one of the most profoundly obvious yet completely necessary speeches ever in the house. She did this in the back yard, with the two guys just yards away, whispering to Janelle, “I’m over it. I’m over these two boys. They’ve lied to everybody on the way out this door. Why let them get to the final two? They think that you and I are a joke. Like they’ve manipulated us. I’m just being honest with you. I mean, they’ve already pitted us against each other, let’s not let that — why should we continue to let them do it? He’ll tell you how beautiful you are, how smart you are, how funny you are, but he cannot guarantee you he’ll take you to the final two. I can look you in your eye and say I will take you to the final two and I will kick them out.” The women went inside together, and Will knew his fate. “Okay, Boogie I’m going home. She’s opening the wine, no eye contact, and Janelle was the one who said, ‘Let’s go inside.’ I have no control, dude.” That’s when his friend spoke one of the most shocking but not really surprising lines this season. “This is our show, and these bitches think they’re going to try to steal it from us,” Mike “Boogie” Malin said. With just a few modifications, that line could work as a new slogan for all of his Dolce Group restaurants, one that would undoubtedly help them attract new patrons who enjoy giving their money to people like Mike. (Tangentially, the official Dolce Group web site says “Mike Malin is best known for his role as “Boogie” on the CBS reality television show.” Nice how they try to separate his asshole persona in the house from the real person by pretending it’s just him acting like an asshole. If that’s the case, give the man an Emmy.)Now all that’s left is for Erika and Janelle to hold each other to their bargain to take each other to the final two, and for Janelle to win. First, though, one of them needs to win the final HOH, and Erika has won part one. Yet again, a live show crumbled on-screen, which would have been amusing had it not been so dull. The producers constructed a giant volcano in the back yard, one that was probably going to erupt and spew crap all over the houseguests, who were clinging to its sides. But that never happened, because the competition ended approximately 10 seconds after it started. First, Mike Boogie, who was still seething from Will’s eviction, said, “Hey, Julie. Remember Richard Hatch? They both have to take me to the finals.” Then he jumped off, eliminating himself from the competition. It was an interesting move, strategically, but instead of just walking away and letting his words sink in, he quickly exposed his insecurity. “You can’t take each other. You have to take me. You won’t make that big a mistake. You won’t,” he insisted. “You did the smartest play ever tonight Janelle; you can’t make that mistake, you can’t take her.” Interestingly, the moment Boogie jumped off, Erika won, because Janelle momentarily let go of the key she was holding with one hand. Janelle definitely let go, and to the producers’ and Julie Chen’s credit, it only took them one whole commercial break to notice what every viewer noticed at home the second it happened. The rules were somewhat unclear, however, although basically that’s true of every half-assed game on this show. As usual, Julie Chen awkwardly tried to explain what the rules were. She said, If you let go of your key, or your feet touch the mat below, you will be eliminated.” Clear enough. Erika then asked, “Both hands have to be on?” And Julie said, “For now, yes.” What the hell does that mean? For now? The first few moments until the competition starts? Until some other point in the competition when they’re allowed to let go with one hand, something that would make little to no sense? Still, Janelle did let go, and she’s benefited in the past from the producers’ stupidity. Janelle now has to defeat Boogie in HOH competition number two; the winner of that competition faces Erika in the final HOH game, which I predict now the producers will find some way to fuck up. The winner of that final competition selects which person they want to evict, and thus who they want to take to the final two. That happens Thursday, and our (abbreviated) three months of time-wasting comes to an end on Tuesday. If Janelle walks away with the $500,000, it may have all been worth it.

SHARPENING AXES

Twenty things you didn't know about death. 1 The practice of burying the dead may date back 350,000 years, as evidenced by a 45-foot-deep pit in Atapuerca, Spain, filled with the fossils of 27 hominids of the species Homo heidelbergensis, a possible ancestor of Neanderthals and modern humans. 2 Never say die: There are at least 200 euphemisms for death, including "to be in Abraham's bosom," "just add maggots," and "sleep with the Tribbles" (a Star Trek favorite). 3 No American has died of old age since 1951. 4 That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates. 5 The trigger of death, in all cases, is lack of oxygen. Its decline may prompt muscle spasms, or the "agonal phase," from the Greek word agon, or contest. 6 Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward. 7 So much for recycling: Burials in America deposit 827,060 gallons of embalming fluid—formaldehyde, methanol, and ethanol—into the soil each year. Cremation pumps dioxins, hydrochloric acid, sulfur dioxide, and carbon dioxide into the air. 8 Alternatively . . . A Swedish company, Promessa, will freeze-dry your body in liquid nitrogen, pulverize it with high-frequency vibrations, and seal the resulting powder in a cornstarch coffin. They claim this "ecological burial" will decompose in 6 to 12 months. 9 Zoroastrians in India leave out the bodies of the dead to be consumed by vultures. 10 The vultures are now dying off after eating cattle carcasses dosed with diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory used to relieve fever in livestock. 11 Queen Victoria insisted on being buried with the bathrobe of her long-dead husband, Prince Albert, and a plaster cast of his hand. 12 If this doesn't work, we're trying in vitro! In Madagascar, families dig up the bones of dead relatives and parade them around the village in a ceremony called famadihana. The remains are then wrapped in a new shroud and reburied. The old shroud is given to a newly married, childless couple to cover the connubial bed. 13 During a railway expansion in Egypt in the 19th century, construction companies unearthed so many mummies that they used them as fuel for locomotives. 14 Well, yeah, there's a slight chance this could backfire: English philosopher Francis Bacon, a founder of the scientific method, died in 1626 of pneumonia after stuffing a chicken with snow to see if cold would preserve it. 15 For organs to form during embryonic development, some cells must commit suicide. Without such programmed cell death, we would all be born with webbed feet, like ducks. 16 Waiting to exhale: In 1907 a Massachusetts doctor conducted an experiment with a specially designed deathbed and reported that the human body lost 21 grams upon dying. This has been widely held as fact ever since. It's not. 17 Buried alive: In 19th-century Europe there was so much anecdotal evidence that living people were mistakenly declared dead that cadavers were laid out in "hospitals for the dead" while attendants awaited signs of putrefaction. 18 Eighty percent of people in the United States die in a hospital. 19 If you can't make it here . . . More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered. 20 It is estimated that 100 billion people have died since humans began.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1971: My sister Lucy was born. 1978: Keith Moon, drummer for The Who, dies in his London residence from an overdose of chlormethiazole edisylate, a prescription drug used to treat alcoholism. Moon's flat, #12 Curzon Place, was the same spot where Mama Cass died of a heart attack in 1974. 1978: Walking to the bus stop, BBC journalist Georgi Markov suddenly feels a sharp pain in his right calf. A KGB assassin had jabbed him with an umbrella tip, rigged to inject a tiny platinum sphere. The pellet is laden with ricin, a castor-based toxin with no known antidote. Markov dies in the hospital four agonizing days later. 1996: Standing up through the open sunroof of a BMW 750 sedan, rap artist Tupac Shakur is talking to some women at a Las Vegas street intersection when a white Cadillac pulls alongside. Gunfire erupts, and Shakur is shot four times. He dies in the hospital a week later.

THE POLITICALLY INCORRECT ALPHABET

N is for nun: A modern alphabet should be inclusive, and as far as I know, nuns are pretty much confined to the Church of Rome. They make a nice picture too - there was a 70'sartist who populated all his paintings with nuns, because it saved having to draw legs. It was that or penguins. O is for: Old, OAP, old codger, oldster, old-timer, old fogey: they all begin with 'O' so it makes no difference really. P is for: pouffe. Pouffe, just like fairy, has acquired a second derogatory meaning which would disqualify it from modern alphabet charts. Arthur Ransome's 'Swallows and Amazons' series of childrens' stories had as one of its main characters a girl called Titty. For a 1963 TV adaptation she was renamed Kitty. What now shall we call cylindrical patchwork leather bum rests with a tassel? Q is for Queen. Still popular even now, a queen all regal with us her dutiful subjects. Next week: R, S, T and U.

BIZARRE X-RAYS

Elsie, a 6-month-old Saint Bernard, swallowed a 13-inch serrated knife in September 2005. After an operation, the pup had an 8-inch scar but was otherwise fine.

R.I.P.

Steve Irwin pulled a poisonous stingray barb from his chest in his dying moments, his longtime manager said Tuesday, after watching videotape of the attack that killed the popular "Crocodile Hunter." Irwin's body was returned home to Beerwah, a hamlet in southeastern Queensland on the fringe of the Outback where he lived with his wife and two young children. Irwin turned a modest reptile park opened by his parents into Australia Zoo, a wildlife reserve that has become an international tourist attraction.
Hundreds placed bouquets and handwritten notes at an ad hoc shrine to the popular 44-year-old naturalist outside the park, and other tributes flowed in from Canberra to Hollywood. The dramatic details of Irwin's death Monday as he was shooting a program on the Great Barrier Reef were disclosed by John Stainton, his manager and close friend. He said he had viewed the videotape showing the TV star pulling the poisonous stingray barb from his chest. The tape was not released to the public. Queensland state police tookpossession of a copy for a coroner's investigation.
Stainton estimated Irwin's distance from the stingray when the attack happened at about three feet. 

P.P.T.V.

YouTube is flooded with do-it-yourself tributes to the 'Crocodile Hunter.' 
'I Will Remember You'
'Crocodile Rock'
Hip-Hop Tribute (Explicit Lyrics) 

MOVIE BUZZ

The Hobbit: There's a slim chance that New Line might possibly have tentative plans to maybe make the Lord of the Rings prequel next year. At least according to some Ringer snooping around a suit's office. 

Idiocracy: Like a mobster dumping a corpse in a river, the studio dumped Mike Judge's satire in a few undisclosed theaters. No poster, no trailer, no publicity. Will somebody explain to me why they sabotaged this Luke Wilson movie and not My Super Ex-Girlfriend?

The A-Team: The producer wants Bruce Willis as Hannibal and says that a certain mohawked A-Teamer won't be uttering his signature line. Excuse me, but how can B.A. Baracus not pity the fool? Well, that's about it. Don't forget to check out my webshots page I hope you saved under my favorites. I will leave you with a random photo. Remember, spread the word and not the turd, folks.