State your peace, go ahead and say it, I swear it can't get much worse, make a peace of history, a blessing from a curse. Hello, everybody, welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile. The latest polls have President Bush down another three points. This means the Democrats will have to work really hard to screw up this time. Al Gore says he hasn’t ruled out a second run for president. He also hasn’t ruled out a second run for pie, a second run for cake, a second run for cookies… Isn’t it interesting that global warming has made Al hot again? For the first time ever there is now scientific proof that air travel can increase the spread of viruses. So now we may be able to stop the spread of some things, like bird flu. Does this mean I can no longer take my chicken on board? How can I now travel with my livestock? Scientists are trying to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. They’re trying to make a human with a lucky foot. Last week the NFL on NBC was the highest rated program. You know what this means – next we’ll have NFL: Criminal Intent and NFL: Special Victims Unit. A new survey has found that drug use is down among teens, but it is up with people over 50. Especially marijuana use. So here’s some advice to any kid out there reading this – hide your stash! The American Helium Association announced there is a shortage of helium until December. In fact there might not be enough helium for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. When asked why there was shortage they responded by saying, (in a high pitched voice) "We have no idea.” Bobby Brown has left Whitney Houston. It’s always the couples you least expect. Apparently Whitney came home and found Bobby hitting another woman. Britney Spears had her second baby. The first baby drove them to the hospital. Britney is doing fine. The baby is doing fine. The husband is doing nothing. Bill Clinton wanted the five hour ABC program about 9/11 pulled. He wanted it replaced with a five hour "Girls Gone Wild” special. They say that if Clinton had not concentrated on legal problems so much it wouldn’t have been a distraction to his advisors. But that’s what they always say about an elephant in the room. There was a 6.0 earthquake in Mexico over the weekend. The quake was so bad that people who want to stay in Mexico actually got thrown across the border. The tremors were felt all over Central Florida, but Minneola, 'cause I didn't feel a thing. Speaking of Mexico, the new president of Mexico says that he wants to work with the United States to let people in Mexico work jobs that they want to in the United States. As opposed to creating new jobs in Mexico. In fact I believe that was his campaign slogan – love it and leave it. Fox News is reporting that the two leading candidates for the Democratic nomination for president are Hillary Clinton and Al Gore. One wants to prevent the melting of ice bergs and the other is an ice berg. Experts now believe that dentistry has been around for 7500 years. 7500 years. The amazing thing is that still has not caught on in England. The International Air Guitar Championships are going on in Finland. I hear the winner gets an imaginary check of $1 million. President Bush says that we are now safer than we were five years ago. Sure, now that we got Paris Hilton off the road. That’s the big story. Paris Hilton was arrested for a DUI. That is Diva Under the Influence. The arrest actually helped fix the friendship between Paris and Nicole Ritchie. After Paris was arrested Nicole went down to the jail and slipped between the bars to visit. There are now over one billion obese people in the world. McDonald’s today said that isn’t good enough. And finally, Sunday was Grandparents Day. The good thing is that if you forgot there’s a good chance your grandparents did too.
DOCTOR WHO NEWS
“Boogie, it’s hard to justify giving half a million dollars to someone that owns six restaurants and kind of bullied and threatened their way in a reality TV game show,” Howie told Mike “Boogie” Malin right before casting his vote. It was perhaps the most intelligent thing Howie has ever said. Alas, Howie — along with Danielle, Will, Janelle, Games, and George — cast a vote for Mike, who won Big Brother 7 with all but Marcellas’ vote. Some of those votes for Mike were unexpected, but Janelle’s was not. She made her hatred of Erika clear, particularly after Erika admitted to Janelle that she played Janelle. “My best move was convincing Janelle to vote out Will,” Erika told the jury. “He was the one I know I needed to get out in order to position myself where I am now.” I love Janelle for her game play last summer and her victories this season, but I totally don’t understand her strategy. She ripped Erika for being a floater and not being “loyal.” Being loyal did get Janelle to the final three, but the whole game might have gone very differently without her warped perception of the floaters. She did say one thing that made some sense: “Chill Town ran this game, and for us to deny them a winner, it’s not really fair, because they played a better game.” They may have played a better game, but a good 95 percent of that was Will, not Mike. Still, Mike did make it to the end, and for that, he deserves credit, although not respect. When asked what his best move in the game was, Boogie said it “was not using the special power that I had and keeping Janelle in the game and aligning with her for the homestretch.” Kind of interesting that he’s either perpetuating the lie about the coup d’etat, or the producers never really did take away his power despite the fact that he broke the rules. The best part of the finale came before Mike “Boogie” Malin received half a million dollars, and that was when Julie Chen allowed the jury—and Mike and Erika—see footage from the diary room. Janelle watched James call her awful names, and Erika had to watch Boogie calling her awful names. Alison said, “Erika, I hope you use that money, buy yourself some dignity,” but Erika was dismissive (“we played each other”), and Mike was basically in denial (“it’s an edited television show, people, just remember that”). Jase and Diane also admitted that they had a secret alliance, albeit by using Mike and Will’s goddamn stupid phone call routine. Seconds later, everyone had to watch a montage of those routines. If these two jackasses get cast on The Amazing Race, I will boycott that entire season, not that anyone cares. Now, though, it’s time to pretend that I didn’t just waste the last three months, and hope that next summer is more like last summer, rather than this disastrous bore of a season. If you’re more interesting than the people who we just watched, CBS is now accepting applications. Next week I will start reviewing Survivor and The Amazing Race.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1927: Legendary dancer Isadora Duncan is killed in Nice, France when her long silk scarf gets tangled in the rear wheel of the convertible she's riding in. Her neck is broken and an artery severed. Some accounts have her thrown against the pavement and dragged for 100 feet. The freak accident occurs in full view of a number of friends. 1956: Surgeons Walter Freeman and Egas Moniz perform America's first prefrontal lobotomy on a depressed, 63-year-old Kansas woman in Washington, D.C. They successfully create a lethargic dullard, and the duo hails the result for years to come as a medical triumph, despite the fact that two of their next twenty lobotomy subjects end as fatalities. 1982: Grace Kelly, American-born princess of Monaco, dies after a high speed car crash the previous day. She and daughter Princess Stephanie were badly injured when their British Rover 3500 plunged into a ravine, tumbling 45 feet. In the official version of events, Grace suffered a mild stroke while driving; however, rumors persist that 17-year-old Princess Stephanie was actually behind the wheel.
I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
Adobe Photoshop For Pedophiles: At an earlier hearing Stafford Sven Tudor-Miles, 38, from Middlesbrough, admitted five counts of making indecent pseudo-photographs of children. Judge Tony Briggs was told of the defendant's previous convictions for sex crimes, over almost 20 years. At Teesside Crown Court, he imposed an indefinite sentence, recommending that Tudor-Miles serves at least 15 months. At the earlier hearing, the defendant also admitted one count of possessing the images and breaching a Sex Offender's Order. Tudor-Miles, of Bankfields Road, Eston, Middlesbrough, scanned photographs of adult porn stars into his computer and manipulated the pictures using digital equipment. He digitally reduced the breast sizes and altered the genitals to make them look like young girls. He added school uniforms to some images. At an earlier hearing, his barrister argued the pictures were of adults and therefore no offence had been committed. But after failing to have the charges thrown out, he admitted the offences. They were committed in January and February and came to light after Tudor-Miles' house was raided by police on a separate matter. The court was told he had asked his GP for help to reduce his urges and sought psychiatric help. The court was told of previous convictions including in 1997 he was jailed for six years at Birmingham Crown Court after grabbing an 11-year-old girl at knifepoint, tying her up, putting tape over her eyes and then forcing her to commit a degrading sex act on him.
A trucker who has been on the road for threeweeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
THERE IS A GOD
Mr Irwin, a TV personality known as the "Crocodile Hunter", was killed while diving in Queensland when a stingray's barb stabbed him in the chest. Since then, 10 stingrays have been found mutilated on Queensland beaches. Government officials said they were investigating the deaths and there could be prosecutions. Two stingrays were found at a beach north of Brisbane with their tails cut off, while eight were found on another beach on Monday, The Australian reported. Wayne Sumpton of the state fisheries department said it was not clear if the incidents were connected to Mr Irwin's death. He said fishermen who inadvertently caught stingrays sometimes cut off their tails to avoid being stung, but such a practice was uncommon. Stingrays are normally placid, but when they feel under threat, a sharp, poisonous spine in their tail flicks up. A public memorial service for Mr Irwin will be held next week.
Star Wars What Star Wars character are you? Apparently I am Obi-Wan.
Encode your vital stats into your very own barcode.
THE POLITICALLY INCORRECT ALPHABET
R is for rubber. In my schooldays condoms were commonly called johnnies, short for rubber johnny, so a request to borrow someone's rubber was often met with an overt nudge, wink and 'oo-er missus'. If it passed for humour then, I'm sure it's good enough for now. S is for Satan. He goes by many other names but is best known to friends and foes alike as Satan. Red skinned, with cloven feet, forked tongue, pointed tail and horned head. Or just the business suit and briefcase. T is for tramp. What the Americans call a hobo, rather than what the British call a slut. The one with the knotted hankerchief on a stick. U is for Union Jack. Rule Brittania! The Union Jack (pedantically the 'Union Flag') first represented my glorious empire, then became a symbol of trendy 60's Brit chic, with Union Jack emblazoned E-types and mini dresses. Then however it was hijacked by the ultra right wing, becoming associated with xenophobia, cultural myopia and lager louts who eat their curry then abuse the waiter. Town halls could no longer hoist the standard without being accused of supporting imperialism and racism. Which is a shame, because if only from a design perspective it's rather natty. Even when it's wrapped around Ginger Spice. Next week V, W, X, Y and Z.