Not That Much

You get a lot of girl singers obsessed with Aretha. You get a lot of little swingers    wishin' they could be her. Some of those sisters can rock and roll, all God's children gotta little bit of soul. But not that much. You get a lot of fat Christians you want to throw to the lions. Put em in a barrel, roll em off the top of Mount Zion. Ignorant acceptance is their only aim, with Jesus your life'll be better they claim, but not that much. Yeah but when you hear Aretha singing on some advertisement, or with a big fussy band on some rock'n'roll museum concert, she's still got the lungs and the dress and the stole. You might even say the girl's still got soul. But not that much. You get a lot of little monkeys swingin' from the treetops. You get a lot of little flunkeys singin' on Top of the Pops. Some of them appear in the gutter press tellin' you their lives are a mess, but not that much. You get a lot of little stringers pullin' out their penknives, cuttin' up history, jugglin' with lives. Bein' a reporter is a glamorous trade, you don't even have to tell the truth to get paid, well not that much. No not that much.

Hello, and welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile, which I am sure you all love, but not that much. Willie Nelson was arrested for procession of marijuana earlier this week. Nice to see we’re cracking down on crime in this country! Police officers said Willie’s bus reeked of pot. That’s when you know it’s bad, when the pot smoke overwhelms the diesel smell of your tour bus. A giant bus with Willie Nelson on the side. That’s probable cause right there isn’t it? Whitman’s has come out with a new chocolate that helps you loose weight. Didn’t that used to be called a laxative? James Watson is getting the Nobel Peace Prize. He was one of the co-finders of DNA. If it wasn’t for DNA we wouldn’t have the "Maury Povich Show”. Or that big stupid tower in front of the Wonders of Life building at Epcot. Mel Gibson’s daughter got married. Hey Mel, don’t think of it as losing a daughter – think of it as gaining another designated driver. Last Monday on "Deal or No Deal” a contestant won $675,000. That is the most money ever won on the show. When asked about the winnings the contestant said, "I’m glad I dropped out of high school and went into focusing on suitcase picking.” More is coming out from Matt Lauer’s interview with Debra Lefave. The police were notified by the boy’s mother. You ever notice in these cases involving teachers and male students that it is always the mother calling the police? It’s never the father. Lefave is no longer a teacher. She’s now a waitress. The bad news is that it’s at Chuckie Cheese. Are you all watching "Survivor: Apartheid”? In this edition of "Survivor” the tribes have been broken up into ethnic groups; whites, blacks, Asians, and Hispanics. The writers are Jewish. If Michael Jackson was a contestant on the show I wonder which tribe he would be a part of? The next season of "Survivor” will feature Christians versus Muslims in "Survivor: Baghdad Island”. Ford Motor Company’s motto is still "Job 1”. But jobs 2 through 7500 are now eliminated. There’s a lot of tension in the world. A few days ago Pope Benedict apologized to Muslims for statements he has made. Altar boys are still waiting for theirs. Last weekend Pete Rose signed 30 baseballs at a sports show in L.A. He signed each ball saying, "Sorry I bet on baseball.” O.J. signed knives that said, "Sorry I killed my wife.” And finally, Bravo has announced that next year they will start a gay version of "The View”. Gay people everywhere are saying, "I thought the gay version of The View was The View.” 

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

After two disappointing seasons in a row—the family edition, and the one with the annoying, constantly victorious teams of young white guys—I wasn’t expecting much from the debut of The Amazing Race 10. From the opening note and Seattle flyover, this season felt different, like the old seasons, those before Rob, Amber, Jonathan, Victoria, and that twit Alison from Big Brother. And it was different, especially when, halfway through the first episode, the producers pulled a dick move and eliminated a team randomly and unnecessarily. There was no pit stop and basically no emotional payoff because we didn’t yet know the teams, yet the team was sent home anyway. What is it with classy reality shows sinking to the level of the crap, in part by breaking their own rules? It’s utterly disappointing. In China, Bilal and Sa’eed pulled the last departure time, which said simply “last team.” They were directed down a path, where, surprisingly, they found the mat. Phil appeared from the shadows, where he’d been lurking, probably doing dirty things (like conspiring with the producers). “I said there would be surprises. Even though this is not a pit stop, I’m sorry to tell, you’ve both have been eliminated from the race,” Phil told them. Then Phil said to the everyone else, who was watching intently, “and I’m sorry to tell the rest of you you’ve all been eliminated, too. T-tow!” Seriously, though, that would have been just as random. Bilal, I think (we didn’t have enough time to get to know them as individuals), said, “We didn’t expect this, because it doesn’t say this was a pit stop! This just goes to show, you have no control over anything. The creator does.” Yes, and his name is Christof. I mean, Betram van Munster, the executive producer of the series. That aside, the remaining teams seem interesting, entertaining, and somewhat strong. While this cast has a number of firsts—the race’s first openly lesbian woman, the first race with an Indian-American team, the first race with an amputee, et cetera—there are quite a few familiar teams, such as the Guido-esque gay guys and the dysfunctional couple. However, no old team means there’s room for even more cute white girls; there are two sets this time. And there are also the requisite white 20-something models, although Tyler and James are ex-junkies, which is kind of hot. We also have a coal miner and his wife, and they’re nonstop comic relief, switching from being sweet to sniping in about six nanoseconds. Despite the diversity, the white 20-something guys still came in first, and in the first episode alone, we lost the Muslim team and the Indian-American team. By the way, what was with the stutter in the theme song at the beginning of the episode? The song reached its end too early, while the teams were still being shown, and then, instead of stopping, awkwardly repeated the last part. The random interjection of something that was out of place yet familiar? Perhaps it was just foreshadowing. And last Thursday, Survivor Cook Islands finally debuted, and perhaps the biggest surprise was that it wasn’t all that different from most seasons. Of course, the cast was nowhere near as pasty white as it usually is, and the ethnically diverse group was divided into tribes based upon their race. But besides some comments made by tribe members about their own groups, there wasn’t any conflict between the groups. In other words, no race war yet. One of the most significant things about this new season is that, “because of the cast’s overall diversity, the show actually helped guard against the typical type of reality television stereotyping that often occurs because there are so few non-white people. … [I]t is now much more difficult for ignorant viewers to link the behavior and appearance of certain cast members. If one person behaves in a certain way, there are others of the same skin color and background who may act completely differently, and make generalization impossible.” The Washington Post’s always insightful Lisa de Moraes doesn’t really see the show has having all that much to brag about, however. She writes that “the producers made sure all the racially insensitive comments were made by members of ethnic minorities in this first episode, which allowed them to back-door plenty of provocative comments without seeming racist themselves.” But she concludes that “the contestants on ‘Survivor: Race Wars’ were dumb enough to let themselves be used by CBS to whip up the race.”

SHARPENING AXES

Often, Internet users employ a secret language of acronyms to communicate in chat rooms. These acronyms make chatting faster, but they can be used to keep information from parents. Here’s a list of commonly used chat lingo. Become familiar with these acronyms and let your children chat online only with family and approved friends.

• A/S/L - age, sex, location
• BF - boyfriend
• DIKU - do I know you?
• F2F - face to face
• GF - girlfriend
• H&K - hug and kiss
• ILU - I love you
• IPN - I'm posting naked
• IWALU - I will always love you
• KOC - kiss on cheek
• KOL - kiss on lips
• LTR - long term relationship
• NIFOC - naked in front of computer
• NP - nosy parents
• OLL - online love
• P911 - my parents are coming!
• PA - parent alert
• PAL - parents are listening
• PANB - parents are nearby
• PM - private message
• POS - parent over shoulder
• TAW - teachers are watching
• WTGP - want to go private

TODAY IN HISTORY

1597: The Dean of Guild, William Dun, receives a bonus of 47 pounds, 3 shillings, and 4 pence for "the great number of witches burnt this year." 1915: With a winning bid of £6,600, Mr. Cecil Chubb purchases Stonehenge and 30 acres of land at auction. He donates the monument to the British state three years later. 1947: Horror author Stephen King born in Portland, Maine. Incidentally, his book 'Night Shift' was named after the Foghat album of the same name! 1983: Ronald Reagan's Secretary of the Interior, James Watt, describes his staff's racial diversity to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce: "We have every mixture you can have. I have a black, a woman, two Jews and a cripple. And we have talent." Watt is forced to resign 18 days later over these comments. 1989: The Saudi government beheads 16 Kuwaiti terrorists in public after convicting them of a deadly bombing at the Great Mosque in Mecca two months earlier. The perpetrators claimed they had been trained by Iran, but Iran denied any involvement.

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

KARATE LESBIAN: Carron Strike, 37, bombarded the 15-year-old with texts and emails and also wooed her with the message: “Like Nike, just do it.” Another text said: “You have been summoned to cupid’s court for being as fit as fuck. If found guilty, you will be sentenced to unlimited hot sex with me. How do you plead?” The girl’s mother became suspicious after her daughter returned late from karate class — then mum-of-three Strike and her own daughter started visiting the family home “almost daily”. The victim ran away from home one night after a row with her mum, Snaresbrook Crown Court in East London, heard. She went to Strike’s house in Dagenham, Essex. The coach took the girl to bed and abused her most of the night. Strike — separated from her husband — admitted meeting a child following sexual grooming and three counts of sexual activity. She will be sentenced later.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals."

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, and nearly hit a bus. The shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

DISNEY'S AMERICA

Let's take a quick little quiz, shall we? If I were to ask you what makes Pirates of the Caribbean such a successful movie franchise, would you answer: A. The fine acting, led by Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow. B. It is a movie about pirates, and everybody loves pirates. C. It was based on a ride at the marvelous Walt Disney World resort. D. Probably any answer in the world which is not C. If you answered A, B, or D, congratulations, you get full credit and can be considered to have above room temperature intelligence. If you answered C, you are probably a voting member of Disney's movie division, Walt Disney Pictures, which has just recently decided to green light -- with "high-priority" status, mind you -- another film based on a theme park ride. This time, the "potential franchise" is none other than Disney's Jungle Cruise, one of the classic original rides at the park which features cruise riders who come across all kinds of wild jungle creatures on their voyage. Bet you just can't wait to shell out for this one, right?

POLITICALLY INCORRECT ALPHABET

V is for virgin: Isn't it strange that the most familiar image of a virgin (in Europe and the Americas) is a woman either pregnant or suckling a child? No wonder we're confused. What early religious instruction I received was under the mantle of the Church of England. Mary was alleged to be a virgin when pregnant with her first child Jesus, but when 'Jesus, the missing years' 12-30 were being filled in by Ladybird books we were invited to imagine Jesus and his brothers helping Joseph with his carpentry business. Indeed, when Jesus started out on the preaching and miracles, people in his hometown were surprised by his ability and asked "Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, and Joses, and of Juda, and Simon? and are not his sisters here with us?" (Mark 6:3 King James Version - Matthew 13:55-56 reads similarly). These brothers were not keen on his activities though "But soon it was time for the Festival of Shelters, and Jesus' brothers urged him to go to Judea for the celebration. "Go where your followers can see your miracles!" they scoffed. "You can't become a public figure if you hide like this! If you can do such wonderful things, prove it to the world!" For even his brothers didn't believe in him." (John 7:2-5, New Living Translation). One brother, James, did however later join his band of apostles (Galatians 1:19) and became the first Bishop of Jerusalem. However, despite the gospels the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox churches refuse to countenance Joseph and his young wife Mary consumating their marriage, and find the suggestion that Jesus had brothers and sisters offensive (unless they are explained away as step siblings from Joseph's conjectured previous marriage). For them, the Virgin Mary remained chaste, because sex is, of course, dirty. Anyway, bible study is now over for today. For Virgin we have a gravid Mary gestating Jesus. He's kicking! Politically incorrect because it is religious dogma and contradicts biology. W is for witch. What with the phenomenal success of JK Rowlings' Harry Potter books you might think that witches, wizards and warlocks are way inside the acceptance boundary, but in some minds the suggestion of a non-mainstream spirituality pushes them off to the blasted heath.X is for Xmas. The feast of Christmas is a Christian* one, thus 'excluding' followers of other religions or none. The abbreviation 'Xmas' is however offensive to some Christians. What balance! Excepting some Adventists, who see its Pagan influence revealed by such signs as Christmas trees and the mid-winter setting. At infants school I drew shocked looks and was sent out of class for asking how it was that if Jesus was born at Christmas he was given a lamb as a present, since lambs aren't born until spring. Y is for yank. The word is one of those that can have both a negative and positive flavor. When used in a derogotory fashion as in "Damn Yankees" it's a definate negative, yet when used as "Yankee Doodle" it has more of a patriotic ring to it. And lastly, Z is for zombie. Only by having a taboo-busting flesh eating half-dead cannibal can you have a truly politically incorrect alphabet!

BIZARRE X-RAYS

A film shows PVC plumbing pipes inserted in the bones of a deceased person as part of an alleged body parts ring.

MOVIE BUZZ

Mission: Impossible 4 Vs. Jurassic IV: Is Brad Pitt really replacing Tom Cruise? Uh, no. Because there's just not gonna be another Mission. While I'm debunking stupid Internet rumors, lemme dash your hopes that Steven Spielberg is directing the next Park. If you don't believe me, go back to holding yer breath for Indy 4, suckers.

Apocalypto: Try to get through the whole theatrical trailer without thinking of sucrose ta-tas.

The Gospel According To Janis: "Zooey Deschanel will perform all the Joplin tunes in the movie."

Fanboys: I finally found someone almost as hot as the original Princess Leia: the new one. Look, I said almost, all right?

Well, that's it. This weekend I will be updating the webshots page before or after Jen, logan and I will go to Busch Gardens for the weekend. I'll be back with another entry next Thursday, but in the mean time spread the word, but not the turd...but not that much. Oh, here's another random picture.