Thursday, August 31, 2006

Turn It Into Hate

The jug heads hit the city from every country round the globe. The ships pulled in the drinks were free the ticker tape came out in rolls. I was sitting in a bar watching this on TV. To me it looked like a failure but they called it victory. Well if you can sleep at night go ahead that's great, you're just dreaming anyway if you don't get irate. Come on turn it into hate. Send your little boys and girls to go and play in a giant sandbox. Put your movie stars on the cover of  People for goin' in for a detox. Let your happy-face news readers share a little joke at the end of the night's transmission. Let's see the world through the eyes of some clown gonna make all of your decisions. Well if you can sleep at night go ahead that's great. It's all been manufactured like the junk that's on your plate
Some of them lead the marching band suddenly they're war heroes. Some of them fall in a foreign land suddenly they're just zeroes. Some of us go back to sleep, some of us learn to fear it. There's a siren blowin' in your heart, you just don't want to hear it. Well if you can sleep at night go ahead that's all right. Just don't start a fight with anyone rich and white. Turn it into hate. 

Hello, and welcome to another entry of the Phile. I can't believe it's the last day of August all ready. Sheesh, where has time gone? It’s a sad time of the year. Summer is coming to an end. Mel Gibson blames it on the Jews. So, did you follow the Little League World Series? The US team, a group of kids from Georgia beat the Japanese team to win the Little League World Series. You might not think that’s much but Mrs. Wayne Gretzky lost half a million on it. Tom Cruise has found a new film deal. Thank God! I was so worried he’d wind up driving a cab. President Bush was down in New Orleans. Don’t worry FEMA is now on their way down too. The Emmy Awards were last Sunday. The security was unbelievable. It was tighter than Joan Collins face. Are any of you folks fans of the solar system? Well you can kiss Pluto good bye! Adios! It’s no longer a planet. There used to be nine, now there’s eight. Today Pluto packed up and moved out. It said it is now going to spend more time with the family. Even sadder…it hung out around Saturn all day trying to get a job as a moon. Here’s some new from California. A fire was started near Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. There was some dry grass and they think someone started a fire. Now I think the blaze was caused by some concerned parents. They say that fire has them puzzled and is of suspicious origin – but so is Michael Jackson. President Bush finally has an exit plan for Iraq. In a few years he’ll leave office and let the next guy worry about it. Tonight the MTV Video Music Awards will be shown on MTV, of course. The last time I watched that Arsenio Hall was host.


Well, sometime after the remaining houseguests pretended once again to be awed by a new rug and comforter in a bedroom, the 47-year-old man who normally dresses up like a giant chicken got into a skintight green leotard, mounted and virtually ass-raped people dressed like birds and bees who’d just soaked themselves in yellow liquid, all so they could earn beer and meat as their only food for the week, which they learned they’d won after the person hosting the competition said, non-ironically, “now that we’ve spread our seed and pollinated the back yard,” a phrase that, ironically, also applied to the hairless dermatologist who won season two—who’s going to win again even though he’s playing the exact same transparent game—because he interrupted his flirting with the blonde cocktail waitress who America loves in order to dry-hump a camera in the backyard and make verbal love to the camera and thus the audience at home. It was awesome. At the end of last Tuesday’s episode of Big Brother 7, a peanut M&M climbed up my esophagus and landed on my tongue. I realized that this was clearly a warning from my stomach: If I watch one more segment with Mike Boogie and Will in the damn diary room doing that stupid call-each-other-on-their-fake-hand-phones routine, I’m going to blow chunks all over my living room. It’s unfortunate the editors ended with that hackneyed, unfunny stupidity, because otherwise, this episode was quite strong, and Will was its star, albeit from the background. He did what he does best: controlling the game from the sidelines and letting all of the blame fall on others. It’s really incredible how skilled his is at manipulating others—and how rarely they notice. Last night, after Janelle won the veto (again, albeit playing a game that was a bastardized version of one she played last year), Erika had to nominate a new houseguest for eviction. That left Erika with what she called “a real dilemma,” because she had to nominate Danielle, Will, or Boogie, all of whom she has alliances with. We saw Erika promise Danielle that she’d be safe, but of course that meant she’d have to nominate Will (her skeevy showmance Mike “Boogie” Malin was apparently not an option). But Chill Town managed to convince Erika that she couldn’t win in the final two against Danielle, which may be true, and thus she decided to go after Danielle. But because Erika plays emotionally, as she admitted, she revealed her plans to Danielle well before the veto ceremony. At first, Danielle was resigned to the fact. But later, she expressed her anger and sadness at Erika. “I gave you my heart, Erika. You nominating me is the ultimate betrayal. … By you, it hurts. It hurts,” she said. And herein lies Will’s brilliance: Erika may not have completely decided to nominate Danielle at that point, but once Danielle broke down, Will exploited this, and ensured Erika wouldn’t target him. “She’s lost her mind. She’s clearly crazy,” he said of Danielle. Thus, Danielle went on the block, and will most likely be evicted Thursday night. Of course, so will someone else, but the houseguests don’t know that yet. Besides this game play drama, the show’s product placement was unexpectedly awesome. Yes, Doogie Howser’s visit to the Big Brother house was amazing because, as it turns out, Neil Patrick Harris is “a huge fan of the show,” as he told us. That was somewhat ironic, as Will pointed out that he’s a huge fan of NPH’s CBS sitcom. When NPH entered the house, he was in awe, and it didn’t just seem like he was pissed at his agents. “Holy crap, I’m in the Big Brother house,” he said. He woke everyone up, saying, “Ho, ho, ho. Rise and shine, everybody. Merry Christmas,” as he was there to present their Christmas in August reward. Later, he did back flips on their new trampoline. But best of all, Neil Patrick Harris proved to be a bitchy fan of the show just like the rest of us. In the diary room, he said George—who later admitted to Boogie and Will that he was once struck by lightning—“is a little, um, simple?” Then he explained the gifts he brought, and dissed Mike Boogie. “The houseguests got lots of clothes, which apparently they desperately needed,” Harris said. “Because if I see Mike Boogie wear a Dolce shirt one more time on this show — really.” Awesome. Next season, I vote for Neil Patrick Harris to become a houseguest.

SEARCH ENGINE If you want to send someone a million thanks, send them this.


The last time an entire U.S. city got monumentally mad was back in 1864, when a guy named Sherman paid a little visit to Atlanta. This isn't to say that it takes 100,000 invading troops to make a town lose its temper—Orlando has never been a strategic military target, and yet the folks there are furious. Yes, Orlando, home of the Magic Kingdom and mandated happiness. Who knows? Maybe living in Goofyville wears thin after 35 years. My search for evidence of urban anger began with the percentage of men with high blood pressure, from the CDC's Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System (as calculated by Sperling's BestPlaces). I then factored in FBI rates of aggravated assaults and Bureau of Labor Statistics numbers on workplace deaths from assaults and other violence. And because rage and the road often go hand in hand, I also included traffic-congestion data from the Texas Transportation Institute, as well as speeding citations per state from the Governors Highway Safety Association. Does your city's rank rankle you? We kind of figured it would. Thank god I live in Minneola, Florida.


1422:Henry V dies of dysentery! 1888:Jack the Ripper kills his first known victim, prostitute Mary Ann Nichols, slitting her throat from ear to ear. 1919:The American Communist Party is established, providing entertainment for Joseph McCarthy and J. Edgar Hoover for decades. 1997:Lady Diana, and her boyfriend Dodi Fayed, killed in car crash inside a Paris tunnel. The driver was drunk and they were going very, very fast. 1999:A video game machine explodes at an underground Moscow arcade, injuring perhaps thirty people and killing several others.


Watching and possessing images of rape and sexual torture is to be made a criminal offence, punishable with a jail term of up to three years. The plan follows a campaign by two MPs and the mother of a schoolteacher who was killed in 2003. Violent Internet pornography was implicated in the trial of the man convicted of her murder. Home Office minister Vernon Coaker said there was an urgent need to tackle the problem because such images were becoming more easily available on the Internet and control of their distribution more difficult. The new laws -- which will cover pornography online and offline -- will ban possession of images depicting "scenes of extreme sexual violence", plus other obscene material like bestiality or necrophilia. For example, it would cover violence that is, or appears to be, life-threatening or is likely to result in "serious and disabling injury". Britain's Obscene Publications Act 1959 currently bans the publication and distribution of such material, but not its possession. Under the proposals, the maximum penalty for publication, distribution and possession for gain of obscene pornography would also be increased from three to five years' imprisonment. The Home Office said they did not intend to target people who accidentally access obscene pornography nor those working within the mainstream adult entertainment industry, which works within existing obscenity laws. The project is in response to a consultation launched last year and comes after a 50,000-signature petition against extreme Internet sites promoting violence against women for sexual gratification was presented to parliament.


J is for Jesus: Influential, radical Jewish teacher in first century Palestine. Suggested that his followers give up all personal property and renounce all violence. K is for knife: OK, so the K is silent. A knife in a scabbard, such as we wore on our belts when playing in the woods, I think it was part of the cub scout's uniform. L is for lunatic: I'd first thought of M for Madman or Maniac, but it's also M for Mentally wonky (note to editor: replace 'wonky' with latest PC alternative) so PC people might consider it acceptable. But L for Lunatic is unequivocal, and has the added appeal that it bolsters the disputed notion that the actions of asylum inmates are aligned with the motions of the moon. M is for muff: One of those hairy things that ladies slip their fingers into on cold days (or just for the comfortable feeling). Next week, N, O, P and Q.


A Flash-based video of now twenty-year-old American Gary Brolsma lip-synching the song energetically on his webcam brought the Numa Numa phenomenon to the US video. Brolsma has stated that he first discovered the song in the Japanese flash animation. Brolsma first published his "Numa Numa Dance" on the Newgrounds site on December 6, 2004. Since then it has popped up on hundreds of other websites and blogs, and he has made appearances on ABC's Good Morning America, NBC's The Tonight Show and VH1's Best Week Ever. Brolsma is a resident of the state of New Jersey and is reportedly not happy with his fame, although he has created tweaked versions of the video since it became popular. According to The New York Times, Brolsma has become an "unwilling and embarrassed Web celebrity." Brolsma has stopped taking phone calls from the media; he canceled an appearance on NBC's Today Show on February 17, 2005, and he did not cooperate with The New York Times for their February 26, 2005 article about him.


This X-ray shows a boy who swallowed magnetic pieces of a block one at a time. When they hit his stomach, they reconnected.


Woner Woman: At the risk of sounding like an emasculated wuss with dangerously low testosterone levels and embarrassingly bad taste in pop music, let me just say that I totally love, love, love Katharine McPhee! She'd be perfect as the Amazon princess, as long as there's no Taylor Hicks cameo.

Spider-Man 4, 5 and 6: Marvel's CEO wants to make sequels for the "next 20 years." They should approach this like the Bond franchise — gimme a new Peter Parker every fifth movie. Next up: that sulky kid from Little Miss Sunshine.

The Queen Vs. The Wondrous Oblivion: Reason No. 235: They're obsessed with a "sport" called cricket. Evidence: this trailer. Reason No. 236: They're even more obsessed with Princess Di. Evidence: the brouhaha this preview is causing on the other side of the pond.

And now my review of Barnyard: The Original Party Animals. Oh, good, another digitally animated talking-animal movie. I was just chatting with some friends about what's wrong with Hollywood and I said, "I want a new animated talking-animal movie every week from now until I die." And it looks as though dreams really do come true, because now there's a never-ending supply of digitally animated talking-animal movies. Even better? They're all exactly alike and feature Wanda Sykes as a sassy "fill in the blank with whatever animal you think is sassiest." I'm happier than a talking, surfing pig in mud. Evenbetter than the fact that this is the 147th animated talking-animal movie to be released this year is all the great contemporary pop songs on the soundtrack blasting out of the speakers in THX. Foghat's 'Slow Ride' sang by the executive producer appears when the animals steal some bikes from bikers. And also, there's a moral tucked into it all somewhere … something about standing up for yourself and others or whatever. Something you can grill your kids about when it's over so you don't feel like a bad parent for taking them to see it. There are some really terrifying coyotes in this movie. And they kill a major character. And they snarl and drool and are pretty awful. Your tiny ones, unless they're made of cast iron, will freak out and need to be carried home crying from the theater. This is not a guess. I guarantee it. These talking animals get drunk on milk and honey, and then they snowboard and throw raves in the barn late at night and resist the gender demands of nature. And by that, I mean all the male cows have udders. Even the one voiced by gravel-throated Sam Elliott. Udders. And get this, the old farmer (who we learn is a vegan, thereby making a barnyard full of animals superfluous) is seen reading Charlotte's Web. That's because the live-action feature version of the book, from Paramount and Nickelodeon, the people behind this one, is coming this December. There are no coincidences in this life, young people. I give the movie a 9. Logan said he liked when they 9the animals) were punching and fighting. And he liked when Ben was singing Tom Petty's 'I Won't Back Down'. And he liked when there were party time.

I will now leave you with a random picture. Check out the Phile's new-improved webshots page for some new pics, and remember, spread the word and not the turd.

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