Thursday, August 3, 2006

Steroids To Heaven

Hello, and welcome to the Phile, I am your host...Barry Bonds. LOL. Good news: I didn't pass out this week. Last week my doctor put me on a steroid pack for six days, which probably pushed me over the 200 pound mark. I am still waiting to see what is going with me, if I am diabetic, if so what kind and will I become a bigot or gay? Or even a gay bigot? Well, if you think I have health problems, Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition. He still thinks communism was a good idea until he was being rushed to the hospital in a ’55 Oldsmobile. Israel continues its strike on Hezbollah. Tomorrow they are going to start attacking Mel Gibson’s house. A member of "The View” said they will not see anymore of Mel’s movies. Barbara Walters said that. Mel Gibson responded by saying, "There goes one $3.00 senior discount matinee ticket.” As you may have heard, Mel Gibson was arrested in Malibu on a DUI. I don’t know what he was drinking but I think you can rule out Manischewitz. The sheriff said that Mel’s blood alcohol was .12. Give you an idea how high that is, half a point higher and he would officially be a Kennedy. They said on the news that if he is convicted he could face up to 14 days in the "Thunderdome”. Police said that they found a bottle of tequila in Mel’s Lexus. So let’s some up what happened here; Mel Gibson, who grew up in Australia, was drinking alcohol from Mexico in his Japanese car while yelling about the Jews in Israel. You know where he was coming from? A Thai restaurant. Welcome to America. A lab report this week on Floyd Landis found that he had too much testosterone in his body during the Tour de France. In his defense everyone seems to have too much testosterone when hanging out with a bunch of Frenchmen. Hey, maybe that's my problem, too much testosterone. Nahhhh. "The artist formerly known as Prince” is getting divorced. He was seen removing his belongings from the house formerly known as his. North Korea is going to test a long range ballistic missile and if this works they’re next going to try indoor plumbing. The DEA is warning teachers and parents to be aware of marijuana in the form of gum. They’re putting marijuana in gum now. In fact, you know how you can tell if your gum has marijuana in it? If you think the Bazooka Joe cartoon is really, really funny. News from Orlando: It’s now illegal to feed the homeless in Orlando, Florida. Have you seen the fat people walking around Disneyworld? We should make illegal to feed them. So, it's been so hot all over the Unites States. How hot has it been? It was so hot today Floyd Landis tested positive for Snapple. It was so hot a Guest at Disney was wearing an oscillating turban. It was so hot at "The View” that their new cast member is Ted Williams. It was so hot today I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen. It was so hot today I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner. It was so hot Bill Clinton got a slurpee and then went to 7/11. And finally, Saddam Hussein said at his trial that he wants to be shot instead of hanged. If he was in the U.S. there would be a third option – go to Florida and golf.


Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were not able to get a volunteer until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with
little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.


Okay, let's review the past week of Big Brother. Janelle has won Head of Household for the second time on Big Brother 7. She won the HOH competition—and kept the season six alliance in control for a fourth straight week—shortly after Jase was voted out of the house unanimously. Right before he left, Jase joked about George’s t-shirt, saying, “Crazy people make poor decisions, like wearing a Mr. Fart shirt on national television.” But then he choked up and said, “I hate the way I’m leaving this house. It kills me inside.” He said the same thing to Julie Chen, insisting that he’d be a better player on Survivor, where of course no one ever is surprised when they’re voted out. Tonight’s time-wasting family segment was spent on Dr. Will and his brother, but also featured a cameo by everyone’s favorite electronic toothbrush-wielding psychopathic leech. Yes, Shannon was interviewed, although she was barely recognizable. She changed her name from Shannon Dragoo to a much more porn star-sounding name, Shannon Michelle, which is, coincidentally, how she was credited on the “Playboy: Girls of Reality TV” video. Anyway, the only thing of substance Shannon said was, “Will and I have have not spoken in a couple of years, and it’s unfortunate.” I’m sure he thinks so, too. Speaking of Will, he told the houseguests that he regretted his statements at the veto ceremony, saying he should have said “severely disliked” or “strong disdain” instead of “hate.” Then, on live TV, he plugged his medical practice’s name, and naturally Julie Chen had no idea what was happening, although even Chicken George did (“Oh, here we go,” he said). The HOH competition that followed forced the houseguests who correctly answered questions to eliminate one other player. More significantly, as Julie Chen said, it “will kick off a week’s worth of competitions where you may be single-handedly responsible for the fate of your housemates.” Perhaps some producers have awakened from their naps and decided to do something more creative than changing the punishment food from peanut butter to oatmeal. Or not. Julie also promised that on Tuesday, we’d find out the answer to this scintillating question: “How will America’s wake-up calls affect the houseguests as they compete for the Power of Veto?” Yes, on Friday night, the houseguests will be awakened periodically with voice mail messages left by us; presently, CBS is asking how often we want to wake them up. This is of no help to me; what I need is someone to call me during the show and wake me up, especially if it continues to focus on such tragically lame events in the house. It’s like we’ve regressed back to season one. I’ve been desperate for this season of Big Brother to get interesting, and I think I got my wish the other night. Janelle wanted Boogie or Will to win the veto so she could get rid of a floater. “I don’t think anyone else is seeing the big picture here. … they have voting power and they’re actually much better players than Chill Town,” Janelle said of the floaters. James insisted they “have to go after the people we know are coming after us,” referring to Chill Town. Mike Boogie won the veto competition, which came after a night of sleep deprivation thanks to wake-up calls played at high volume every 15 minutes, driving the houseguests crazy. (“I’m about to throw myself over this balcony,” Marcellas said.) Mike Boogie celebrated his win by being the dumbass that he is, kicking glass goggles and earning himself a cut that required 10 stitches. Naturally, he planned to remove himself as a nominee for eviction, and thus Janelle had to decide whether to nominate Dr. Will (and make her alliance and the rest of the house happy) or to go with her strategy of attacking floaters. When Janelle told him and the other BB6ers that she planned to nominate Diane, James reminded her that he nominated his buddy Jase last week. “You just said you’re doing what’s best for you, not the team. … I took the team into consideration, went against what was best for me last week, and now you have fucked me. You lied to my face, Janie. You have no idea what you’re doing,” he said. Later, to Danielle, James signaled that he’s done with his season six group. “I want to start the revolution. When I get HOH next week, I’m gonna backdoor that bitch,” James told Danielle. Janelle may have been right about the floaters presenting a bigger threat. However, she now she has everyone pissed off at her: members of her own alliance and the floaters. With only Boogie and Will as allies, she doesn’t have much of a shield, as the members of Chill Town are about as reliable as a boat made of Kleenex. More on Big Brother below.


Dewey  Dewey decides the only thing this party is missing is a little explosives. Shot in Deweyvision at the Von Zeller studios in sunny Mammoth City, California. (This was sent to me from one of my best friends Ron, that is brother made.)

Big Brother 7 Big Brother 7 live feeds. Brokeback Big Brother 7 Brokeback Big Brother 7. jack shack big brother 7 jack shack big brother 7. Big Brother 7 Competition 7/30/06 Big Brother 7 Competition 7/30/06.

Sexy Carwash Originally appearing in LIVE 42 NEWS II, the clip has been made into a surprise commercial...a sexy carwash commercial.
Star Wars on a Banjo Yee haw, Luke!
And now, for a new feature called...

I recognise that this does not match the stated aims of this alphabet (you wouldn't have seen "A for abortion" on many mid C20th classroom walls), but it was too engaging a suggestion to pass up. My sympathy goes out to anyone who has had to make the decision to have an abortion. Thankfully the backstreet methods of a coathanger, or a knitting needle, or a hot bath and gin are no longer necessary in many countries. Next week, the letter B.

SEARCH ENGINE Music video by Internet celebrities promoting net neutrality. And they didn't call me, those bastards! Come here and pick a free card to send to an anonymous US soldier serving overseas.


BRITAIN'S biggest theme park has called off the country's first National Muslim Fun Day because of lack of interest, the park said. Alton Towers in central England was to open on September 17 for Muslims - with halal food, a strict dress code and prayer areas. Music, gambling and alcohol were to be banned for the day and theme park rides such as Ripsaw, Corkscrew and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory all segregated by gender. But the park said the event's organisers, Islamic Leisure, who rented the park for the day and were marketing the event, had called it off due to "insufficient ticket sales". A park spokeswoman said Islamic Leisure would refund those who bought tickets. Organisers had hoped to fill a niche for Britain's 1.7 million Muslims, some of whom may be uncomfortable with mainstream entertainment. But the fun day had caused some consternation: a non-Muslim couple scheduled to hold their wedding at the park's hotel complained to newspapers that event organisers told them the bride and female guests would have to cover up. The park promised the party would be exempt from the rules. A park spokeswoman said the wedding would take place as planned.


1950: The U.S. Army knowingly kills hundreds of civilian refugees when Maj. General Hobart R. Gay gives the order to demolish the bridge, including refugees, over the Naktong River at Waegwan, Korea. 1963: Almost a year after the world barely averted World War III during the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Hotline between the Pentagon and the Kremlin goes live. The system consists of two teletype machines, with a full-time communications link routed through London, Copenhagen, Stockholm, and Helsinki. Not to be confused with the Batphone. 1966: Comedian and social critic Lenny Bruce dies of a morphine overdose in his Hollywood Hills home, two years after his original obituary was published in The Realist. At the time of his death, Bruce was being maliciously harassed by police and districts attorney in various states for his groundbreaking standup performances, causing great difficulty in finding venues at which to perform. 1996: An angry God makes "Macarena" by Los Del Rio #1 on the pop charts. The accompanying dancing disease afflicts millions before final eradication. 
The Dark Knight: Heath Ledger is the Joker. By law, I'm required to come up with at least one Brokeback Mountain reference. How about the Broker? Nah, that's stupid. Jokeback Mountain? Hmm … this is not going to be easy.
The Departed: Remember when Leo was just a cute little kid on Growing Pains? In the trailer for Scorsese's next crime flick, he looks closer to De Niro in Taxi Driver.
Die Hard Or Live Free: Why will McClane have a son played by the Mac commercial guy? It's a pathetic attempt to win over Gen-Y kids. The new title is yet another nail in the coffin. Somehow I don't think this is going to inspire the same uproar as trying to rename Snakes on a Plane.
Benighted: Now here's a title change that makes sense. The guy who directed Narnia is doing a big-budget werewolf movie based on a book whose original title was Bareback. Someone get Heath Ledger on the phone!
Pet Sematary remake: There is no way in hell George Clooney is going to star in a remake of Pet Sematary. Although I hear he may cameo as the cat that's brought back from the dead.
Rambo 4: Rambo's gonna be a shadow of his badass self, working at a Bangkok monastery and selling scrap metal for a living. I guess one night in Bangkok really does make a hard man humble.

Iron Man: Jon Favreau rules. He was the only funny thing about The Break-Up, and now he's gonnacast Terrence Howard as War Machine, the guy who steps in to help Iron Man bust baddies when he's too hung over to get out of bed.

Babel: What do Brad Pitt, Moroccan slums, Cate Blanchett and wild Japanese teens have in common? They're all in this confusing trailer. Notice that this column has been 100 percent Mel Gibson–free. Until just now. D'oh!

And now for the review of The Ant Bully. A bullied kid becomes the bully himself, stomping on an ant colony. The wizard ant — there's always a wizard ant blowing your good time, you know? — shrinks the kid to ant size. Then the queen of the ants makes the kid live with them and learn their ways, cooperating and thinking like an ant. Then the kind has to save them all. You've mostly seen it before. It was called Antz. Then it was called A Bug's Life. What is it about? How an evil violent capitalist learns the joys of communal living, conformity and socialism. Either that or a metaphor for George W. Bush being put on trial for war crimes against Iraq. Talking. So much talking. No one trusts the beauty of the animated image any more. They have to fill every single second with non-stop yapping and semi-clever lines. And the reason no one trusts the beauty of the animated image anymore? Because everyone abandoned soft 2D in favor of this cold, stupid, harsh, ugly 3D digital stuff. There. That's off my chest. Anyway, I didn't care about the characters, and almost fell asleep half way through. From 1 to 10, I give it a five. Logan on the other hand loved it. His favorite part was "when the bees sting the guy when they were fighting the guy [pest control man]."

Well, that's it for another Phile. Remember to check my Webshots pages at . I'll be back next Thursday, remember, spread the word and not the turd.

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1 comment:

trel67 said...

Another stellar perormance... if I see you attacking a guest, I will just call it Roid Rage.