Have fun. And if you can't have fun have someone else's fun. 'Cause someone sure had mine. They came in now they're having a whale of a time. You should grow a beard. A beard to tell a thousand stories never told before. A beard to tell you tales, whilst the fireplace roars. The closing of relationships and the opening of doors. The starting of hostilities and the ending of wars. Take care. And if you couldn't care take someone else's care. 'Cause someone took my care. They went there and then they were not there. Have fun. Hello, and welcome to another Phile entry. What's up? Logan has been in school for one week, and has not been in trouble yet. And I went through another week not passing out at work. Recently was the 53rd anniversary of Fidel Castro’s revolution in Cuba. Anybody know what Cuba’s main export is? Cubans. Here’s some good news. President Bush passed his annual physical. Doctors say he is in good shape and is well rested. You know what that means – he’s drinking again. As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, the airlines are saying no more hair gels, shampoo, makeup or hair sprays will be allowed in your carry-on bag. Who’s attacking us? Drag queens? They also said that men can not carry on shaving cream. Why? When was the last time you saw an Islamic militant guy with a can of shaving cream? You’ve never seen that. The terrorists called the liquid potion they were making, "Mother of Satan”. Which is what Mel Gibson now calls tequila. See, that offends me, "Mother of Satan”. Why did they have to bring Satan’s mother into this? You can’t blame the mom for the way the kids turned out. I’m sure Mrs. Satan did the best she could. Officials say the terrorists targeted United, American and Continental airlines. You know what that means. Even terrorists won’t fly southwest. It’s just too cramped. There’s no legroom… We have to give credit to the U.S. and British intelligence agencies for the good work they did in exposing this terrorist plot. Yet with all our intelligence gathering capabilities we still don’t’ know if Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are engaged. Why don’t we know this? Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie? In London you can’t even bring toothpaste on the plane. Which, for the English, isn’t really a problem. They’re now saying the price of crude oil could hit 80 dollars a barrel. That’s beyond crude. That’s obscene. Give you an ideahow expensive gas is getting, in Pennsylvania Amish country there has been a rash of horse and buggy jackings.
And now, I will get on my soap box. Cheap labor. Isn't that what the whole immigration issue is about? Business doesn't want to pay a decent wage. Consumers don't want expensive produce. Government will tell you Americans don't want the jobs. But the bottom line is cheap labor. The phrase "cheap labor" is a myth, a farce, a lie...an oxymoron. There is no such thing as "cheap labor." Take, for example, an illegal alien with a wife and five children. He takes a job for $5.00 or $6.00 per hour. At that wage, with six dependents, he pays no income tax, yet at the end of the year, if he files an Income Tax Return, he gets an "earned income credit" of up to $3,200 free. He qualifies for Section 8 housing and subsidized rent. He qualifies for food stamps. He qualifies for free (no deductible, no co-pay) health care. His children get free breakfasts and lunches at school. He requires bilingual teachers and books. He qualifies for relief from high energy bills. If they are or become, aged, blind or disabled, they qualify for SSI. Once
qualified for SSI they can qualify for Medicare. All of this is at the taxpayer's expense.
He doesn't worry about car insurance, life insurance, or homeowners insurance. Taxpayers provide Spanish language signs, bulletins and printed material. He and his family receive the equivalent of $20.00 to $30.00 an hour, in benefits. Working Americans are lucky to have $5.00 or $6.00 an hour LEFT, after paying their bills, and his. The American taxpayers also pay for increased crime, graffiti and trash clean up. Cheap labor? Yeah, right.
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
Kaysar, once the most revered player in the history of Big Brother, was voted out of the game yesterday, his 26th birthday. Unless I’m forgetting someone, Kaysar has now been evicted from the house more than any one else in the history of the game, having also been eliminated twice last season. As he left, Kaysar admitted to Julie Chen, “I’m just not cut out for this game.” He said that after learning from Julie that James was in a secret alliance with Danielle, Boogie, and Will. (Apparently, there won’t be any possibility of him or others returning to the game, as Julie explained everything to him, from the existence of the alliance to James’ hateful comments about Janelle.) Kaysar exited with dignity, and has my respect. Not as a game player—because he’s right, he completely sucks at this game—but as a human being. He’s a smart guy who shook things up last season in the best episode ever, but he was playing a game that he just didn’t have the skills for, including the ability to be duplicitous and evil. Kaysar, best of luck in your life as a former reality star. Meanwhile, Erika became the new head of household, although the game wasn’t exactly fair. Each houseguest had to answer a true or false question; if no one got it wrong, the last person to answer correctly would be eliminated. On the question Janelle answered the slowest, neither of Mike Boogie’s lights were illuminated. Julie Chen ignored this, but then, on the very next round, Howie answered but his light didn’t illuminate, and Julie asked him for an answer. He answered again, insisting that he’d already buzzed in, and then was eliminated for being the slowest. Ultimately, Boogie was eliminated on a different question, but the failure of the buzzer system in those two rounds could potentially have affected the other rounds. (Update: Producers held a new HOH competition.) More significantly, I’d love to know what Julie Chen is looking at besides the actual game during these HOH competitions, because it sure as hell isn’t at whatever we’re looking at. Her coffee mug, perhaps?Finally, Julie Chen revealed to us the details of the coup d’etat twist, and the producers have managed to both fuck this up and make everyone with a functioning frontal lobe suspect that they’ll be rigging this new competition. That’s because only the person who wins the coup d’etat—by correctly guessing a phrase from a series of clues—will know what the power is. They’ll have to decide live during the eviction episode whether or not to nominate two brand-new people for eviction. In other words, the entire game is now irrelevant, from the HOH to the power of veto. The first clue was a sheep that was in the living room, and that started to freak out once the houseguests came in. Since a female sheep is known as a “ewe,” I’m guessing the phrase starts with “You,” and is one of Julie’s stock lines, such as “You have been eliminated from the Big Brother house” or “You are the new head of household.” Or, “You are right, I don’t pay attention as I host.” Ultimately, this whole twist is stupid, because without knowledge of the twist, the houseguests can’t really play the game fairly. How can you play a game when you don’t know the rules? It’s great to introduce something completely new to the game, but depriving everyone of knowledge of it prevents them from being able to play effectively. It’s like playing chess with someone who’s never played before and just telling them, “Oh, I’ll let you know if you win. In the meantime, just move your pieces around while I get drunk and think up some more ways to alienate our already disaffected audience.” Having introduced the most groundbreaking game element in Big Brother history since the Head of Household component was added, how is it that Big Brother 7 continues to be dreadfully boring? Oh, right: the producers, in their infinite wisdom, decided to not actually tell anyone in the house about it, nor will it be revealed until the live show, probably after a 12-minute interview with some woman Mike Boogie dry humped in college. Anyway, the inter-alliance fighting is growing, but it feels very familiar. Janelle and Marcellas had an alliance that neither one of them intended to keep; Marcellas told us, “If I win household, the buxom blonde is toast.” But when that buxom blonde had to nominate someone else for eviction, after Danielle saved herself with the veto, Marcellas gave a viscous little speech. “I want to walk to up to blonde bombshell and pull that brassy blonde hair by its black roots,” he said. “Then I want to rip out her black heart, and shove it down Will’s cold, stupid throat.” At least he’s taking his nomination well. Marcellas is pissed because, while flirting, Will convinced Janelle to protect everyone he’s allied with by nominating Marcellas. He and Boogie even showered together with the both Janelle and Erika, although their interest in the women is apparently just strategic. Those who suspected Erika and Boogie had a secret alliancelearned that, despite the “few random kisses” in the shower and in bed, Will said the two guys planned on “ripping their hearts out of their chests and squeezing the blood in the pocket of their cheap blouses before they can blink twice.” How nice. Between those comments, Marcellas’, and James’, this is apparently the summer of misogynistic speeches in the diary room. But the biggest sign that this season is on life support is the fact that we had a guest appearance by Big Brother 6 houseguest April during the veto competition. “It was really good to see Busto,” Howie said of his old nemesis. But all the producers had her do was eat some sushi, and the other three houseguests to return (Jack, Hardy, and Scott) did similarly lame tasks and then vanished. Janelle and April didn’t even care enough to scream at each other. Wake me up when it ends.
And now for a new feature called...
BIZARRE X-RAYS
A dentist found the source of the toothache Patrick Lawler was complaining about on the roof of his mouth: a four-inch (10-centimeter) nail the construction worker had unknowingly embedded in his skull six days earlier.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1896: Bridget Driscoll, a 44-year-old mother of two, becomes the world's first automobile fatality when she steps in front of a car outside the Crystal Palace in London. At the coroner's inquest, Arthur Edsall states he had been driving at only 4 mph. The motorist also claims that when he saw the pedestrian, he rang his bell and shouted "Stand back!" For whatever reason, the coroner accepts Edsall's preposterous story. 1948: Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard is arrested for bad checks in San Luis Obispo, California. In court a fortnight later, Hubbard pays the $25 fine. 1980: Dingos snatch baby Azaria from a campground near Ayers Rock, Australia. Her mother, Lindy Chamberlain, is later convicted of murder and spends three years in prison, but the conviction is ultimately overturned. Apparently there have been a number of baby/dingo incidents over the years, the dingo not differentiating animals from humans. (The fact that if you rearrange the letters in LINDY CHAMBERLAIN you get CHILDREN BY ANIMAL is just a coincidence.) 1987: Rudolf Hess found hanged by an electrical cord at Spandau Prison, aged 93. He was incarcerated there for 40 years, 21 of those years as the solitary inmate. In 1941 Hess flew to Scotland with ideas of peace in his head, making Hitler very very upset. 1996: Belgian police discover the bodies of two eight-year-old children kidnapped for pedophilic purposes in the town of Jumet, a suburb of Charleroi. The children had starved while Marc Dutroux was jailed for theft, there being nobody to feed them. Along with the two is the body of Bernard Weinstein, one of the perpetrators of the kidnappings. In early September, two additional teenage bodies are discovered in a house owned by Marc Dutroux. The revelations send the entire Belgian nation into shock. 1998: Long-running comic strip Jerkcity begins. It was created by Rands using Microsoft's abandoned Comic Chat, a chat client featuring artwork by Jim Woodring, as a harness for the artwork. Slurping and drooling and hurrrr.
P.P.T.V.
BROKEN
Get your diagnosis and your prognosis all at once.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT ALPHABET
C for Cock. "Wiv fevvers 'n' that Miss" (titters at the back of the class). D for dolphin. I think a lot of people get very upset about dolphins being kept in captivity (with erroneous values for the life expectancy of a captive dolphin frequently being bandied about). Plus it's a pretty picture - which always counts for something here. You'll often see a leaping dolphin (minus hoop) tattoed on the shoulder or breast of a dumpy teenager. Just to set the record straight, we're not fooled, you're still ugly. And then there are all those people who want to swim with dolphins. Why? Is it because horny dolphins like to rub their cetacean willies up against you? Or is it knowing that with a sure turn and quick flick of the tail they could batter the life out of you just for kicks? Personally I want to swim with sardines. Far safer and none of the slightly dodgy inter-species sex - bestiality is still frowned upon in polite circles is it not? And E for executioner. Standing by his block with axe in hand, wearing leather mask and apron. "Next!" Nrxt week F, G, H and I.
R.I.P.
Bruno Kirby, a veteran character actor known for playing the best friend in two of Billy Crystal's biggest comedies, When Harry Met Sally and City Slickers, has died. He was 57. Kirby died Monday in Los Angeles from complications related to leukemia, his wife Lynn Sellers said in a statement Tuesday. He had been recently diagnosed with the disease. Born Bruno Giovanni Quidaciolu in 1949 in New York City, he was the son of actor Bruce Kirby. His early work included the 1971 film Young Graduates, as well as appearances on the television show "Room 222" and the made-for-TV movie "The Summer Without Boys." In 1974, he scored a role in The Godfather: Part II, which won several Academy Awards, including best picture. In the film, Kirby played young "Pete Clemenza," following Richard S. Castellano's role in the first installment. Over the next few years, Kirby made various TV appearances, including "Fame" and "Hill Street Blues," before landing the role of "2nd Lt. Steven Hauk" in Good Morning, Vietnam.
That was followed two years later by the romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally, in which Kirby played Crystal's best friend. In 1991, Kirby once again appeared as Crystal's cheery friend in City Slickers, - along for a mid-life adventure driving cattle on a dude ranch. He also appeared in 1997's Donnie Brasco, and recently in an episode of the HBO hit series "Entourage." When I found out he died last night I was bummed. My wife Jen said I was acting like he was one of my best friends. I said he was one of my favorite supporting actors and Jen said "All the years I've known you I never heard you once mention his name." Even though Good Morning, Vietman and Donnie Brasco are two of my favorite movies of all time.
Speaking of movies...
MOVIE BUZZ
X-Men 4 Versus The Avengers: Don't look for Storm, Magneto or the other seniormutants — 'cept for maybe Wolverine — in the sequel. The next one's all about Iceman, Kitty Pryde and the other tykes. Is that enough firepower to take on The Avengers, whose membership includes (at least in the comics) Iron Man, The Hulk, Luke Cage, Captain America, Spider-Man and … Wolverine? That is one hard-working X-er.
Idiocracy: Mike Judge's Office Space follow-up might be sent straight to DVD. What!? Did the studio not get the TPS reports? The suits need to be beaten with red Swingline staplers.
DOA:Dead Or Alive: Martial arts and lingerie, together at last!
Ace Ventura 3: Ace will hand over butt-talking duties to his son in the sequel. Another Dumb and Dumberer? Not a bad idea considering Carrey's last two big-budget projects have fallen apart before a frame was shot. Apocalypto: The last time Disney dropped a controversial movie — that would be Fahrenheit 9/11 — it went on to make $120 million. So of course it'll take more than a drunken tirade to kick Mel to the curb. Well, there we go, another Thursday gone by. Don't forget to check out my webshots page at PeverettPhileatwebshots where I posted a ton of pictures from a party I took Logan to last weekend. Also, remember, spread the word and not the turd. I will leave you with a random pic. Until next week...'nuff said.
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