Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Pheaturing Phile Alum Jeff Trelewicz

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. How are you? Pete Buttigieg dropped out of the 2020 presidential race, just in time for you to have finally learned how to spell and pronounce his last name. Despite having the resumé of an Aaron Sorkin character and the speech patterns of Barack Obama, his campaign didn't see a path to victory. Mayor Pete's exit has been cited by pundits such as President Donald Trump as "proof" that the Democratic Party powers-that-be want to consolidate the moderate vote around a non-Bernie Sanders candidate. Pete's fellow moderate, Senator Amy Klobuchar, seemed almost gleeful at the news that she outlasted Pete, as the two were frequent sparring partners at debates and appeared to be in a fight to the death over who is the more Midwestern Midwesterner. Then, having achieved her goal of outlasting Pete, it was reported yesterday that Klobs is out, too. Call it even?
United States Marine Corps General David Berger ordered his base commanders to remove all Confederate flags, bumper stickers, and other Confederate imagery from Marine facilities in a wide-ranging memo reviewing various Marine Corps practices sent out last week. The memo did not elaborate on why Marine command decided to purge Confederate imagery from its bases... probably because it was an order... but Captain Eric Flanagan, a spokesman for the Marine Corps, said the order was the result of the Corp’s general concern about the issue rather than due to any one recent incident or complaint. Presumably, the optics of United States military members celebrating slave-owning traitorous losers had a lot to do with that. A couple thoughts on the Marine Corps banning Confederate flags, etc. from their bases: 1. Good. 2. I get that plenty of people don’t look at the Army of Northern Virginia’s flag (it’s not even the official flag of the Confederate States of America, by the way) and think, “Hooray! Slavery!” or “White people! Fuck yeah!” It represents their heritage and “The South” the same way SEC football, barbecue pulled pork, and dropping their cell phone and wallet down a sewer grate while puking in a Bourbon Street gutter does. I’ll also even admit that, objectively, on aesthetics alone, it’s a cool looking flag. But the Confederacy literally codified race-based slavery and white supremacy into its founding documents. And they tried to rip the United States of America apart, killing hundreds of thousands of American soldiers in the process (more than the Nazis killed, even). Soldiers who fought under that specific flag, under Robert E. Lee... a bad general who lost the only war he was a commander in... committed war crimes against American soldiers fighting under the American flag. It’s bad history and unpatriotic to celebrate that symbol. Let’s just bury this crap. No part of the country has more heritage options and symbols to celebrate than the South. We can pick a better one. 3. Anyone not from the South who is into Confederate imagery is a poser and should ditch that crap anyway. If you’re just a person from Idaho I’m not sure why you would have, say, a Confederate bumper sticker on your truck unless a) you were actually a big fan of the racist past of it, or b) it was a misguided attempt to prove you love state’s rights.
They say "keep Austin weird," but apparently, you have to keep your hands out of your pants while you do it. Seems like a counterproductive rule, but that’s the lesson a Texas woman learned recently after being arrested for masturbating out in the open around downtown Austin. Twenty-six-year-old Dovie Nickels was charged with indecent exposure after being arrested by Austin police for masturbating on the patio of Second Bar + Kitchen. Staff at the nearby JW Marriot also reported to police that Nickels was seen masturbating, at an earlier point in the day, on their first-floor patio. According to the JW Marriot staff Nickels was holding a silver object to her crotch while her legs were straight up in the air. Staff members say she was moaning and making sex noises while this was happening. When they approached her she began to scream. This lasted seven to eight minutes before Nickels ran off to the next area. When Austin police apprehended Nickels on the restaurant patio she was not wearing pants. After cuffing Nickels and putting her into a squad car Nickels continued to masturbate, because why not at that point. The incident happened a little after 5 p.m. so this was either the best or worst happy hour ever for quite a few people. Nothing ruins your oyster plate like the sounds of a pantsless woman going to town on herself a table over. But then again, nothing enhances beers and a lackluster conversation like a crazy person ripping their pants off and playing themselves like a fiddle. It’s all a matter of perspective and circumstance. Unless you’re the restaurant worker tasked with cleaning the chair she’s defiling. Or the police. Then it’s objectively terrible.
You get what you give, you give what you get, it’s a never-ending game, right? Now, I am not one to condone any kind of violence, anyone who knows me can tell you this, but sometimes, I take a step back and acknowledge a situation. Like in this case. Turns out a leader of an international child pornography ring was killed in a prison beating after one of his victims predicted his own fate. The married father of two, Christian Marie, was sentenced to 40 years in prison after the FBI found out he was the “mastermind” behind a twisted (to say the least) Internet gang called The Bored Group. The 40-year-old from Binghamton, along with eight other men ranging in ages from 34 to 47, would create fake profiles and pose as adolescent boys on teenage dating sites including, MyLOL.com, Periscope, and YouNow. The men would then convince young girls to masturbate, strip, and perform other sex acts via webcam. According to the investigation and federal officials, the men would also lure victims into cutting themselves on camera. At his sentence, a now 20-year-old female victim forecasted Marie’s death, saying he was going to “get the hell beat out of him.” Well, safe to say her premonition turned into reality, after fellow inmates at the federal prison in Milan, Michigan, attacked Maire and of his Bored Group co-conspirators, 36-year-old Michal Figura. Maire was taken to a hospital but eventually died several hours later due to his injuries. The fight involved seven prisoners and occurred in a housing unit, where three inmates and two security guards were injured. At least one of the attackers was armed with a homemade knife, known as a shiv. The Federal Bureau of Prisons is investigating Marie’s death as a homicide. There is no word as to what will occur to the other prisoners, but the facility was played on limited operation status with visit suspense. The Bored Group was caught by the FBI in 2017. At least five other members of the sex ring are currently incarcerated in Milan. All nine members, who were located across the United States and Canada, were sentenced to decades in prison.
An Oklahoma man with a temper as fiery as his taste in tacos is wanted for shooting his gun into a Taco Bell drive-thru window because he was furious that the restaurant’s workers forgot to give the man the hot sauce he requested with his meal. According to authorities, the triggered hot sauce lover pulled back up to the drive-thru window around 1:30 a.m. February 3rd after checking his meal and finding that there was no hot sauce included with it. He proceeded to berate the employees before ultimately deciding that some harsh words alone might not convey exactly how angry he was about not being given hot sauce, so he proceeded to pull out his gun and fire it through the window. The terrified Taco Bell employees immediately ran to a bathroom and locked themselves inside. The suspect then entered the restaurant but left before police arrived. Police are still searching for the man so upset that his diarrhea was only going to be bad instead of horrific that he was willing to kill over it. So if you’re around the Oklahoma City area and see some guy chugging hot sauce straight from the bottle and reacting with so much pleasure it’s like he’s drinking from the Holy Grail, let the police know. As an aside, if and when this man is caught I’m curious to find out which type of hot sauce the Taco Bell employees forgot to give him. If he was angry enough to shoot at people over Mild or Hot (which is still pretty mild) then this guy is even crazier than he already seems. Those flavors are useless. Getting them is the same as not getting them, basically. If they forgot to give him some Fire sauce or Diablo sauce, though? I mean, this man needs his spice fix. Shooting up the Taco Bell was definitely not the way to go, but missing those at least makes a difference. He deserves a year or two fewer in jail for that.
So, with the coronavirus Godzilla is taken no chances...

Hahahaha. So, do you know what the corona bug looks like? I'll show you so you can avoid it.

Hahahahahahahaha. So, did you see Sanders' new campaign poster? I have it here.

I'm not even gonna explain that joke. If I had a TARDIS I would go to the White House in the 90s hoping I'd run into these two people...

Then I'd ask Monica out on a date and save Clinton from being impeached. I had a crush on her back then. I tried to get her on the Phile but not such luck. One day. Do you know what an Influencer is? I think I know. I do know they are out in the wild.

They tell me I would see odd sights at Walmart. I did not believe it until I saw this...

I have no idea what that is.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so a good friend of the Phile has something to say about the coronavirus. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Good afternoon, humans. Now a bit of this, about all of that... I see all of you sheeople out there, scurrying about like angry ants, desperately trying to find hospital grade surgical masks.. in a futile effort to protect yourselves from the coronavirus. I feel it is my duty (as your resident smart ass and and would-be know it all) to inform you of this simple, undeniable fact. I have been told by numerous friends, family members and clients (who are actually doctors and surgeons) that the wearing of such masks offers ZERO protection against not only this virus, but all viruses, the flu and even the common cold. Now, I know what you’re thinking... “How can that be, Jim, when I see everyone out there, wearing them?” I myself questioned this as well as why surgeons wear them while operating... I was told this... Surgeons routinely wear masks in order to shield patients (who are cut open and exposed) from the surgeon’s germs. The masks offer no protection whatsoever to the wearer from germs, bacteria or pathogens. Masks only keep the wearer from expelling germs into the air. The W.H.O. (World Health Organization) has adamantly declared that surgical masks of any type or grade, offer no protection to the wearer... only FROM the wearer. So... to sum up this little Tuesday afternoon P.S.A... Your efforts to protect yourselves are pretty much in vain. Masks offer no protection to the wearer. Once again, main stream media is stoking the flames of ill informed and factually bankrupt panic. And yes... now you’ll look like a REAL idiot, for wearing a surgical mask in public. You’re welcome.

James Lipton 
September 19th, 1926 — March 2nd, 2020
The fact that he was a pimp in Paris for a time seems to have been overshadowed by his skill at interviewing actors.

Jack Welch
November 19th, 1935 — March 1st, 2020
Lights out.

Mak: Helllloooo, Jason. Sorry for interrupting your blog but I am soooo excited.

Me: Mak Asterberous, hello. For the readers that don't know... you're an inventor, right?

Mak: Sure am. And I have some brand new grand inventions I'm so excited about.

Me: That's great. What are they?

Mak: Strap-on vaginas for men.

Me: Ummm... I vaguely remember you coming up with that before. If not, they exist. Next?

Mak: Okay. How about underwear without holes.

Me: Hmmmm... how would you be able to put them on?

Mak: That's a good point, Jason. I have one more invention.

Me: Okay, go ahead.

Mak: Dirty soap.

Me: Ugh. Get outta here. Haha. Those are really three bad inventions, Mak.

Mak: I guess you are right. Okay, I will try to work on some more.

Me: You do that. Mak Asterborus, world's greatest inventor, kids.

Once there was a man with an extremely large penis, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible stuttering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his stutter. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his penis to relieve him of the stutter. After a while the man agreed and had his penis removed. After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no penis. So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his penis back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a stutter than with no penis. The doctor replies, "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that."

The Phile will be back at Walt Disney World on the 23rd and 24th of March. It'll be fun with two great Disney related guests. Something to look forward to, right? Okay, so, you know I live in Florida... well, there's stuff that happens in Florida that happens nowhere else in the universe. So here once again is...

A Michigan State student was arrested for drunkenly peeing off a balcony at the nightclub 260 First in St. Petersburg, Florida and hitting two women sitting on a bench below. Twenty-year-old Jack DeBrabander was having what was presumably a pretty fun little night when, perhaps because the men’s bathroom line was being held up by people who couldn’t do cocaine in a timely manner, or perhaps because he was just too drunk to care, he decided to pee off the outdoor balcony of 260 First. Unfortunately for DeBrabander and super-duper unfortunately for the two women sitting below that balcony, the drunk college kid’s pee did not fall harmlessly to the ground. According to the police report it hit the two women in the head, hands, arm, face, and mouth. When police showed up they said DeBrabander was intoxicated and uncooperative. He was ultimately arrested on two battery counts and released from custody after posting a $1000 bond. A couple observations... 1. There’s pretty much no getting this plead down to something else, right? They usually aren’t even lenient on public peeing that harmlessly hits a wall, and this guy peed in someone’s mouth. It’s gonna be a toughie for this kid’s lawyer but… that’s what he or she went to law school for? Getting middle-class and up kids out of trouble is actually a pretty good living so no shame. 2. This kid is lucky these two women didn’t climb up that balcony, beat him mercilessly, and then throw him off but I guess they were busy throwing up since their mouths got turned into impromptu toilets. But really the police should have been investigating a dead male body with forty puncture wounds from stiletto heels. 3. “Jesus, another one?” These Florida cops when they heard they needed to arrest someone for peeing into someone else’s mouth. Probably.

Today's pheatured guest is a Phile Alum who has not only been on the Phile to talk about his books but during the NFL season is a weekly guest on the Phile for the pheature Phootball Talk. His latest book, Object Of My Obsession is the 115th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome back to the Phile, my good friend... Jeff Trelewicz.

Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome back to the Phile, It seems like it was a month ago we were talking about football. How have you been?

Jeff: Hey, Jason, glad to be back here on the Phile. Yeah, it's been about a month since the season ended. What a season it was!

Me: So, in the past your books have been about time travel the paranormal, but this new book Object of My Obsession has nothing to do with sci-fi, right?

Jeff: You are correct. I've written in a few genres but mostly paranormal and time travel. This book has to do with neither. However my first book Everything Comes Full Circle also wasn't about the paranormal or time travel either. I wanted to change it up a bit.

Me: It's been quite a few years since your last book came out, what took you so long?

Jeff: It's been a few years since my last release. I wasn't in the best frame of mind so writing wasn't important. But I had started writing pieces of three different books, including this one and two others (one that may never see the light of day) and wanted to finally release it. It was about one third done when I picked it up again last year.

Me: How long did it take to write this one?

Jeff: It didn't have my entire focus, so I would say this would took a year to write with about three years off in between!

Me: So, tell the readers what it's about.

Jeff: This book is a mixture of a few different genres. There's some comedy, there's drama, there's a romance. And if that's not enough there's also some suspense in it because one of the plots involves a serial killer on the loose. The main character is Adam. He's a photographer from his hometown paper. He's a single father, his wife had died several years ago after an accident with a drunk driver. His best friend lives with him as his moral support. It's time for the high school reunion, but Adam doesn't want to go. He doesn't want to answer questions about his wife's death since she was a student there too. But he sees an old friend, the girl that was homecoming queen who is also putting together the reunion and he starts to get a little too obsessed with her.

Me: Does the MeToo movement have anything to do with the book, Jeff?

Jeff: No, not really. Ellie, the homecoming queen, isn't really a damsel in distress. Fortunately for her she's unaware of the obsession he's gotten about her. She's a strong character. I didn't want to make her weak. I think I have a history of writing strong women, and Ellie is no exception. She fights back if she needs to.

Me: Did you go to your high school reunion? I graduated in England and over there they don't do the high school reunions like they do here in the states.

Jeff: I missed the 10 year reunion because I was down in Florida, but I did go to my 20 year reunion five years ago.

Me: So, are the characters in the book based on real people?

Jeff: Not really. I think Adam and Roger (the best friend) are slightly based on the different sides of my personality. But as far as any of the other characters there's no one truly based off any particular person. One scene is based off an actual event, but that's about it.

Me: So, when you sit down to write a novel such as this one do you just sit down and write until your mind goes blank or do you put aside a certain time?

Jeff: I try to set aside time to write. Sometimes an idea comes to me and I know I should write it down immediately or else I run the chance of forgetting but I do try to set the time aside to write.

Me: Do you ever picture any of your books as being movies? Have any casting in mind?

Jeff: Yeah, I definitely could picture some of my books being made into movies. I had a casting for The Time Traveler's Journal about the actors I'd love to see as the main characters. This is another one that I could definitely see as a movie, because of all the different elements involved.

Me: So, is the book set in modern day?

Jeff: The book is set a few years ago. I mean it's close enough to current times but there are elements of it that you can tell set it a decade or two in the past.

Me: Where does it take place at?

Jeff: It's a small fictional town. With the exception of the Paranormal Contact series I don't tend to write about real places. That series was different since I wanted to tell some real ghost stories so they had to be set in real places.

Me: Is it important that when you write about a real place that you would have to actually been there?

Jeff: It certainly helps to write about a place you've been if that's what you're writing about. I look at Paranormal Contact Vol. 2 which takes place in St. Augustine, Florida where the setting is as much as a character in the book as anyone else.

Me: I always pictured you writing a sci-fi book... did that ever cross your mind?

Jeff: I mean technically The Time Traveler's Journal is a sci-fi. I had a few ideas for something more sci-fi, but all my ideas were too similar to famous pieces (aka Star Wars). For example I had plans to write about an intergalactic bounty hunter, but now with the Mandolorian and Boba Fett being as popular as they are, it just wouldn't work.

Me: So, do you have a favorite author?

Jeff: If I had to pick my favorite author, I would say it's John Grisham. He's more known for his legal dramas like A Time To Kill, The Juror, etc, but I really like some of his other works. He wrote a book called Bleachers that I absolutely love. Has nothing to with a lawyer. I started reading Playing for Pizza about a football player who was cut in the NFL so he winds up in a small league in Italy which I enjoy as well.

Me: Do you already have plans for your next book?

Jeff: I have a few ideas for another book I'd like to release later this year. I started writing a children's book which I might finish for later in the year. I also have another idea that I'm looking to flush out that would have elements of sci-fi and be close to a comic book type novel.

Me: Is this one a one off or are you planning a sequel?

Jeff: No, this will definitely be a one off. I don't see a sequel coming for this. I do have a story idea for The Time Traveler's Journal Part 2 if I decide to write it as well.

Me: It's hard to compete with so many authors that self publish books, Jeff. What do you think is the hardest thing about getting your name out there and the book?

Jeff: It's hard to make a name for yourself sometimes. A lot of times you need money to market your book but we also live in a time where social media is so important. Use that to market your book. Any type of social media helps from Facebook to Twitter and even Pinterest. I'll let you in on something silly I've done. I know you like to talk about the antics of Trump here. Whenever he promotes a book on Twitter that is favorable to him, I'll comment and say, "Since we're talking about fictional books, maybe take a look at my novel" and I'll post a link to the Amazon page. Another way to promote a book for free is find a friend with a popular blog and have them interview you.

Me: Ha! When you sit down to write do you write it from page 1 to the end or do you jump all over the place?

Jeff: For the most part I write in linear form, however with Object of My Obsession I was having problems writing parts of it, so I skipped ahead to the parts I knew what I wanted to write.

Me: I still am thinking of publishing a book... I don't know if I will. If anybody out there is thinking of becoming an author what kind of advice would you give them?

Jeff: I think that you should. The best advice I could give to a new writer is write for you, don't write to become a success. Write because it's something you want to do. The other piece of advice I could offer is make sure you set time to edit. Go back and re-read what you wrote and make sure it makes sense not just to you, but to others as well.

Me: So, once your book is written do you show it to your family? What do they think?

Jeff: My parents read my first book and that's about it. They acknowledge it from time to time, but for them they consider it more of a hobby. Which I guess it is. They haven't read anything since Everything Comes Full Circle. I know my aunt read that. She was the first one to ask me for an autograph as well.

Me: Jeff, thanks so much for being on the Phile again. Our Phootball Talk pheature is pretty popular, and this coming NFL season will be our tenth year doing it. Do you wanna come up with the name for it? I have a few ideas myself... The Whole 10 Yards, Phumble, Neutral Zone, Blitz. Any ideas? 

Jeff: Of course I will be back for the 10th anniversary of Phootball Talk. Whole Ten Yards is a little obvious but I do like Blitz. Count me in!

Me: Blitz is it then. Speaking of football did you see there was a betting website that will allow you to bet on whether Antonio Brown will get arrested in 2020? Hahahaha.

Jeff: I think if someone wanted to, they could easily write a book about the antics of Antonio Brown. I wouldn't be surprised if he did!

Me: Take care, Jeff, I will see you back on the Phile real soon. Go Giants!!

Jeff: Thank you for the interview. Remember Object Of My Obsession is currently available on Amazon as an e-book or in paperback from Wicked Good Time Publishing. Go Steelers!

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and of course Jeff Trelewicz. The Phile will be back on Thursday with country superstar Keith Urban! I know a few people who will be jealous. Haha. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you. bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

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