Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Wednesday. Despite the president's best efforts to cast a global pandemic as a "hoax" perpetuated by the Fake News Media and the Democrats to harm his reelection, the coronavirus is very real, very serious, and isn't up to date on Trump campaign talking points. Many MAGAs have been forced to wake up and smell the handsoap after an attendee at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference tested positive for COVID-19, the disease caused by the virus. Among the conference attendees who shook hands with this individual is Senator Ted Cruz, who became the first lawmaker to announce that he will be self-quarantining as a safety precaution. While I obviously don't want to make light of a serious situation, I give Senator Cruz our thoughts and prayers... his go-to strategy for other major public health crises.
After years of pitting Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton against each other, and the William and Kate doing nothing to stand by their siblings, Meghan and Harry decided to retire from the Royal Family. The now-Canadian duo arrived in the United Kingdom for their final Royal engagements, and they look so good, you can't help but hear Lizzo sing "you coulda had a bad bitch." Meghan crushed the princess thing so hard that even royal reporters are beginning to regret losing them to the colonies. This "farewell tour" comes on the heels of a New York Times investigation alleging that Will and Kate have been buying Instagram followers to make themselves seem interesting and important. For their part, William and Kate did little to pretend to be a happy family, with the Cambridges awkwardly nodding at the Sussexes, and nobody returning Meghan's wave. Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone?
A Massachusetts woman with a broad definition of what a toilet is was finally caught and arrested after allegedly pooping in a sporting goods store’s parking lot at least eight times. Fifty-one-year-old Andrea Grocer was arrested by Natick, Massachusetts police and charged with eight counts of wanton destruction of property for her serial lot deucing after the local cops increased their patrols in the area and eventually caught her about to drop trou in the parking lot. Initially when the random dumps were reported by the store police thought the droppings were from an animal but they realized they were dealing with the most dangerous animal of all, woman, when they found used toilet paper and baby wipes in the area. They also realized the lot dumper was a human when they finally got their hands on surveillance footage of a human woman shitting in the parking lot. And so the hunt was on. Then it ended soon after when, as mentioned, they caught Grocer preparing to crap. Depending on your personality this would either be the worst or best mystery ever to solve if you were a cop. I, for one, would dive headfirst into this case. I would investigate the pooper like they were Jack the Ripper. I would be literally giddy sitting there on the stakeout waiting for the pooper to strike. Sounds way more fun than combing a forest for a cheerleader’s body parts. How did they ever think this was being done by an animal? Does Natick have a wild Great Dane population we don’t know about? I don’t know why but the grossest part of this entire story is imagining the used toilet paper blowing across the parking lot like little poo tumbleweeds.
Working security for a nursing home likely has a lot of perks, as far as security jobs go. Chief among them is that you’re responsible for the security of a place that pretty much no one is ever going to threaten. A security guard at a stockyard filled with copper wire has got to be prepared to drop somebody. Even a mall cop has to be prepared to shuffle after fleeing shoplifters or empty his pepper spray can into a food court encompassing high school “gang” fight. The only thing a nursing home security guard has to worry about shooting is the people he’s playing against in Fortnite on his phone. There is a massive downside to working at a nursing home, however. Security or otherwise, you’re working in a place where death surrounds you. The chances something creepy happens to you are just stupidly high. I’m no scientist but a building full of confused dying people feels like a recipe for a haunting. One security guard at a Chicago nursing home pretty much confirmed as much in a video he posted to Facebook. Jay Brown was manning the front desk, with no one else around, when all of a sudden things got cold. Then he heard a pair of footsteps and saw a white mist float by him. He immediately went and checked the security footage and recorded it on his phone, narrating his experience. He then shared his ghostly encounter on Facebook. To date, the video has been viewed millions of times on Twitter and Facebook. I’m a believer in ghosts. I’m biased here. Still, that’s a fucking ghost.
This is maybe the best ghost video I’ve ever seen. The spirit of some confused old man or woman shuffling by, totally unaware they’re dead. “Go toward the light, Ethel.” “I didn’t leave the lights on.” “No, Ethel, go toward the light.” “You’ll run our bill up.” “Letting dementia and bad hearing carry over after death feels like a real design flaw, God.”
A school bus Northern Local School District traveling in Perry County, Ohio near Thornville was struck by a Ford Mustang that ran a red light and then hit a guardrail before overturning. The Mustang also rammed into the guardrail after hitting the bus. Video from inside the school bus, which was traveling to Mid East Vocational School in Zanesville, Ohio, shows the students jostled by the initial impact before going completely airborne and slamming into the bus’s roof once the vehicle overturned. The kids can also be heard screaming for help and (rightfully) asking what the hell had just happened. At the time of the accident, authorities say there were twenty-five students on the bus. Eight of the students were taken to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries. The driver of the Mustang, who police say was driving with a suspended driver’s license, was seriously injured in the accident. The Perry County prosecutor is reviewing the case to see what charges may need to be filed. Considering all the kids are okay at least they got a pretty good story out of these terrifying sixty or so seconds. Seems pretty worth it to be honest. You can tell all your friends you stared death in the face and didn’t even scream that much. Is there a worse motor vehicle to be in an accident in than a school bus? Maybe like a Smart Car that’s so small it pretty much implodes upon contact with… wind, but that’s about it. No seatbelts and plenty of room to get tossed around until your neck is in the shape of an L puts a school bus pretty high on my list of modes of transportation I never want to be in an accident while traveling in. Plane still takes the top spot, obviously.
Did you see Joe Biden's new TV ad? It made me laugh.
Phile friend Laird Jim said it best on Facebook... he said, "How is it even possible that someone could come along and actually make Trump seem intelligent, classy and presidential?" Haha. Meanwhile Bernie did this...
Hahahahahahahaha. Do you like Hot Pockets? There's a new flavor that just came out...
That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...
Do you know what an Influencer is? I think I might, but I do know they are out there in the wild.
Yup. If I had a TARDIS I would try and go meet Einstein but knowing my luck I'd get to his office not long after he died...
What a cluster. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...
Top Phive TV Shows Ruined By One Word
5. Dora the Ford Explorer
4. Nursing Home Improvement
3. America's Got No Talent
2. This Is Us Unfortunately
And the number one TV show ruined by one word is...
1. The Oval Office
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, you know I live in Florida, right? There's sone stuff that happens in Florida that happens no where else in the Universe. So once again here is...
A middle school teacher from West Palm Beach, Florida has been suspended ten days without pay for allegedly force-feeding a student hand sanitizer because she believed the student was speaking too loudly in her class. The Palm Beach County school board gave Florida woman Guyette Duhart a ten-day suspension from Polo Park Middle School in Wellington, Florida for her neo-nun approach to child discipline, however, Duhart is appealing the suspension and has been placed on an alternative assignment in the meantime. Six students from Duhart’s class told administrators that Duhart grabbed a bottle of hand sanitizer and pumped it into her student’s mouth because she thought the student was being too loud. Duhart claimed, however, that she only threatened (and not seriously, at that) to wash out the student’s mouth by bringing the bottle of hand sanitizer near him. She claims that the student then grabbed the bottle and pumped the hand sanitizer into his own mouth. Duhart’s explanation for what happened sounds like it was outsourced to one of her students. In short, it sounds like the type of lie a ten-year-old would tell. “Oh no um, I didn’t um make um, Billy drink the soap. What happened was that I, like, had the bottle of dish soap near Billy and then I tripped and also Billy tripped and when Billy trips his mouth always opens and while I was tripping my hands started squeezing the soap bottle ‘cuz I was scared of falling and the soap shot into Billy’s mouth.” But also, kids are weird as hell. It’s not impossible to think that some class disrupting, attention-seeking kid shot some hand sanitizer into his mouth. I’ve seen kids do way weirder than that. Everyone who went to school before 1980... especially Catholic school... has got to be reading this and thinking, “lol and?” Congratulations on having the worst first sip of alcohol ever, kid.
Vietnamese TikTokers created a viral dance to a handwashing PSA, and it's an absolute bop.
What the hell? Okay, so there's this really tough guy who likes to come on the Phile and tell us what he's up to. Please welcome back to the Phile...
Me: Hey there, Martin, how are you?
Martin Masculinity: I'm okay, dude.
Me: So, anything exciting lately?
Martin Masculinity: Yeah, today. I was leaving a gas station earlier today with a six pack of some craft beer to go watch a game at my friends house and a group of college kids were driving out of the parking lot and one yelled out the window, “Six packs are for pussies!” I guess the amount of beer I was planning on drinking today wasn’t adequate to his standards.
Me: That's it?
Martin Masculinity: That's it. I guess I'm not that tough after all, man. I'm smoking a fake cigarette and my gun is an airsoft gun. I hope you have good life, man, and your readers as well. Peace out.
Me: Martin Masculinity, maybe not the toughest man alive. Pulling back the curtain real quick... I'm actually ending this character for a few reasons. 1. He's not funny, and it's not really what I envisioned. 2. I had readers email me me getting him confused with Laird Jim, and wondering if Laird's stories are true. Those are. Martin Masculinity was just a stupid character. There you have it. Moving on...
The 116th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Dan Aykroyd will be on the Phile a week from today... next Wednesday.
Javier de Cuellar
January 19th, 1920 — March 4th, 2020
He finally relinquished his grip on the coveted claim of being the oldest living former Peruvian prime minister.
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
Today's pheatured guests are the director and host of the fantastic film Echo in the Canyon which you can see on Netflix or get it on Blu-ray. Please welcome to the Phile... Andrew Slater and Jakob Dylan.
Me: Hey, guys, welcome to the Phile. It's so cool to have you both here. How are you?
Andrew: I'm great, Jason.
Jakob: I'm good, thanks for having us.
Me: So, Jakob, I understand what you think of the music from Laurel Canyon, as your dad is the great Bob Dylan. But, Andrew, where did your love of this music come from?
Andrew: For me growing up in New York I heard these records on the radio, Mamas and the Papas doing "California Dreamin'" and the Beach Boys doing "Good Vibrations" and I painted this picture in my head of this idyllic place of the edge of America where the sea and the mountains sort of collided. And nestled in the middle of that was Laurel Canyon, this sort of woody winding road where the sun kind of comes through the leaf's in rays or yellow and amber. But the music being made there by these people was really changing the world at the time and until this day it had resonated in such a way that it continues to interview people.
Me: Jakob, where did the idea for this documentary come from?
Jakob: In some ways this whole project was inspired by this old movie called Model Shop directed by the French director Jacques Demy. He made The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. Model Shop was set in L.A. in 1968.
Me: I was born in '68. Anyway, what was it about that film that inspired you?
Jakob: Most of it is visual. If you see it the color of the film looks pretty spectacular. That's where we live, that's where we spend a lot of our time and we recognize the streets and we recognize the buildings. The cars outside have changed, the peoples hairstyles look different but otherwise the streets look very much the same. It just had this pining to going back to the music that was being created at the time of what we're watching.
Me: I love that music from then and the older I get the more I love it. For a reader that might not know what are some of the musical breakthroughs that came out of the Laurel Canyon scene in those years?
Jakob: Oh, quite a bit. A lot of them are featured in the movie. Whether we're talking about Brian Wilson or Michelle Phillips or Roger McGuinn. They were pushing the envelope of pop music.
Me: So, what was so special about that music?
Jakob: I guess at that point as David Crosby kind of describes anything was becoming possible. They were getting off the typical routine of what was in pop music. They were taking folk music and they were really electrifying it. Roger McGuinn had a lot to do with that with his 12 string guitar and given it a back beat. I imagine as an artist it was a pretty exciting time if they were aware that things were changing. Not for the sake of let's do something different but something meaningful was happening too. A few years ago it wasn't happening and they were there right when it was developing and participating. That music lasted for a very short time. As Andy said earlier it is very influential and people care carrying on with it today, that specific music because it was just so good. The writers were good and the players were good. As the movie explains they were influencing each other at a high rate and a high level quickly.
Me: So, you have an impressive cast of people on the film. Andrew, who are some of your favorite people in it?
Andrew: We are talking to the original artists in the heart of this music community like people in the Byrds, the Mamas and the Papas, and Buffalo Springfield. We then revisit their music with contemporary artists like Fiona Apple and Beck and Cat Power.
Me: Jakob, you covered a lot of songs in the movie that's on the great soundtrack. What is one of your favorites?
Jakob: Yeah, I did a new version of the Mamas and the Papas song "Go Where You Want to Go" and I was joined with Jade Castrinos who some people might know was with Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.
Me: I love that song and the new version. Did hearing the stories about these songs change how you approached the songs yourself?
Jakob: I knew most of them before and because I knew we were going to very faithful renditions of them.
Me: Did you have any kinda concern about recording these songs?
Jakob: The only thing of any kind of concern was that I knew the people who wrote and played these songs were probably going to hear them, some of that you see in the movie. Roger McGuinn came out and played with us when we were performing in Los Angeles so I want the people who originally did these songs to initially appreciate or give us a look that says we did a good job. That's about it, really, I wanted the people who originally did them to be pleased with our work.
Me: Was there a moment that kinda caught you off guard about the stories behind the songs?
Jakob: To be honest there was a lot of crazy stuff they told us that just didn't have a place in the film. But as far as what you see in the film a lot of it was surprising. Surprising that I haven't heard it before but not to be confused with shocking. I don't think that David Crosby can really shock us anymore with his stories. I wasn't shocked but they shared some very special stories with us that are not well known.
Me: I'm glad you mentioned David Crosby, he's been on the Phile before and soon to be back. There's this famous story about him leaving the Byrds over a dispute with a song called "Triad." In the film he talks about the real reason he got kicked out of the Byrds. Tell the readers why he says is the real reason he got kicked out of the Byrds.
Jakob: He said he got kicked out of the Byrds because he was an asshole.
Me: Hahahaha. Andrew, what went through your mind when you heard David Crosby say that?
Andrew: Well, I knew the story. Again in the film we explore the idea of these bands having multiple singers and multiple songwriters. And when David Crosby said that in the film he's saying that's when his relationship with the Byrds broke up. He's also saying bands tend to devolve and they don't last forever. And so I think their dreams in a sense were being realized and no matter how outrageous or outlandish they were the inspirations they had that balance optimism of creative people are getting together it doesn't last. And yet it's sort of what he's saying.
Me: In the film you say that the song "Expecting to Fly" represents the end of an era. Why do you think this song works as the marker for the end of this era?
Andrew: Well, in a sense it's the beginning and the end of the film. It represents the end of innocence. Maybe Neil Young in that song is talking about the end of a relationship and why it didn't work. I think for us in the end of the film it sort of signifies the end of a launching pad Neil to go his own way. Even in the title it represents very much what we think about in the 60s that no matter how outlandish their dreams are they could become true but we know those kind of ideas just don't last.
Me: Jakob, where do you see the lasting effects of that music from back then even now in music is Los Angeles?
Jakob: It represents what the communal part of portion of music is really important and exchanging ideas is really important. I know it's out there since I started playing music there's versions of it.
Me: Do you think versions of it could happen today?
Jakob: I don't know if it really can because technology has gotten in the way of easier ways of sharing music than actually going over to someones place and physically playing it to them. It does represent that chemistry is important in music especially in bands. It is a 1 and 1 plus 3 type of situation. That's why Buffalo Springfield can have all that talent there in one group. And understandably it does implode at some point, probably because there's too much talent in one group. But it's always there, I think the music represents it's always available, it's possible, it's always inspiring. The music itself is inspiring, I put it on and it does give me for a few moments why it does make me want to be in a band and why I once wanted to be in a band. It just reminds me of that. And to me that's how I came up with rock groups. I've always wanted to be in one, I always thought they made better records than solo artists, that's my favorite music. I really think it begins with this time right here. Before this there were other groups but maybe they weren't as imaginative or explorative and the times weren't really allowing it yet. So this was the first time where it burst open that anything is going to be possible from here on out.
Me: So, when David Crosby tells you what your dad meant to this scene was that cool for you to hear?
Jakob: Well, I've heard that before to be honest. David didn't tell me a secret or anything. Of course we were aware of that and that seemed like a terrain that everybody knew. Trying to make this movie and find a narrative, that movie has been made I think and people have told that story plenty. There was no reason to rehash that, we felt a little more specific, a little more narrow which is really that 12 string guitar and Roger being so inventive with it.
Me: What would you say, Andrew?
Andrew: It's really about the collective energy about being in a band and really it's more about the echo really than necessary about the Canyon. Its like the echoes of peoples ideas going back and forth inside the unit of a band and up the street in Laurel Canyon then ultimately across the ocean where it changes the course of the Beatles.
Me: So, Andrew, where did the first meet Jakob?
Andrew: I was producing Warren Zevon with R.E.M. as a back up band in 1987 and Jakob came to visit us at the studio at Record One and that's where we met.
Me: Oh, cool. I love Warren. I was sad when he passed, but glad I met him. Jakob, what do you remember about that day?
Jakob: What do I remember? I remember sitting on the couch, I remember the guys from R.E.M. I think Warren as an artist was a bit new to me but R.E.M. at my age was a very popular group. Andrew and I made some small connection and that being Los Angeles a year or two later we bumped into each other somewhere else and we had the Warren Zevon session to recall first meeting.
Andrew: For me Jakob had these songs like were just leaping off the page lyrically and I just thought this guy got this band together and I thought it was just as good as anything I've seen.
Me: I love the Wallflowers, and saw you guys in concert. So freaking good. So, Andrew, you produced the Wallflowers, what do you remember about that?
Andrew: Well, I just remember the same thing I always get when I get someone in the studio who has a whole lifetime of songwriting to choose from and there was amazing stuff. You could hear in the vocals that Jakob was full of a lot of fire in his voice and his phrasing was so great. There's a whole load of those songs sitting in a vault somewhere that didn't make to to that record and didn't make to the second record. I hope someone over there at Universal unearths and puts out because all of it was great.
Me: Jakob, did it feel that you were writing historical music in L.A.?
Jakob: Did any of us feel like that? No. I can't imagine. Maybe some of those people, as discussed in the movie, maybe some of those people felt at the time in the 60s. I don't think we did. Back then everything we did, everything was new to us so getting rehearsal space, being able to afford rehearsal space, that was new and that was awesome. After that we started to get to recording space and put music down and that becomes incredible. One day I got on a bus and can't believe I'm on a bus. Everything was unfolding pretty rapidly and it was all new and exciting. As far as our place, if we were ever going to be anywhere historically or make anything, or assist in any type of change that never occurred to us. I do recall, if anything, I do recall the instrumentations we were using maybe weren't the hippest in the 1990s. We were using mandolins and banjos and pedal steel, lap steel. We were coming up in the grunge time when it was very dark and very grungy I will say.
Me: What music were you into?
Jakob: We loved "Mad Dogs & Englishmen," we loved Levon Russell with those big sprawling arrangements. Many years later I guess there was a revival with a lot of bands jumping up and down with suspenders and beards and hats and organs again and banjos like it was a new thing. I remember doing an interview once and somebody made a comment to me that I was wearing my shiek new Americana hat. I was wearing on the cover of my first record, I guess it wasn't obvious at the time.
Me: Jakob, what did you take away from this experience of the film more than anything else?
Jakob: Well, musically and creativity wise it's just a reminder that I think I was right to begin with. Nothing I've done has ever been technology based. The stuff I've done has always come organically and I guess I knew that when I started. Anything good I start at the source and go deep down to the trunk of the tree if I can. I never wanted to be on an extended branch because it starts to get heavy way down to the ground, I've always knew that, with anything I tried to do. Technology has never intrigued me to much, it's an assistance I think if we use it correctly, or lean on it. For these people there wasn't that much available as far as technology. Probably one of the wildest innovations at the time they could play the tape backwards. We have that undo button all day long. If someone records today modern they don't have to commit to anything because they can just undo everything. We came up playing just like the people did which was we were all in a room, if somebody screwed up we all had to do it again, we didn't want to be be the guy who screwed up, we wanted to make sure the song was buttoned up before we started and that's how we started, If I have any advice for bands that's what you should too. These people confirmed that in the movie.
Me: Cool. Thanks so much for being on the Phile, guys, and thanks for the film. Please come back again.
Jakob: Thank you.
Andrew: Thank you.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Andrew Slater and Jakob Dylan. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Benji Madden from Good Charlotte. It's spring break, kids. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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