Two comedy legends in one entry! I can't believe it! Hi, good afternoon, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. So, like I mentioned in yesterday's entry singer Halle Bailey was cast as Ariel in the new live action remake of The Little Mermaid and racists are, shockingly, angry. Yes, Ariel was a redhead with blue eyes and pale skin in the original. No, that doesn't mean all mermaids have to be redheads with blue eyes and pale skin. There isn't anything about Ariel's character that requires her to be white... The Little Mermaid isn't about whiteness, it's about a bratty teenager who exchanges her voice, family, home, and fins for a boy she barely knows. While Twitter has been buzzing about Disney's casting choice for awhile now, and most of the response is positive, some people simply cannot imagine a universe in which a mythical creature could be anything but white. Race doesn't exist under the sea, people! There aren't any humans under the sea! Many people noted how important this moment would be for girls of color. But then, someone even went so far as to make a petition to re-cast Ariel which I initially thought was some sort of sick joke until I realized over 12,000 people have signed it. Can you imagine being so passionately hateful over a mermaid? How can we tell 12,000 people that mermaids aren't real? HEY, MERMAIDS AREN'T REAL. The weirdest justification for the hate so far, though, is "science." A solid amount of Disney fans are using the fact that Ariel lives underwater and doesn't spend a lot of time in the sun. Therefore, mermaids skin wouldn't develop melanin and all mermaids would be white? I don't have the time of emotional energy here to breakdown why this claim is fully insane, but a lot of people are trying to use it... The point quickly backfired...
So there you have it! Pop-pseudo science isn't going to work on Ariel! Everyone on Twitter needs to immediately go research melanin production...
The big news of the weekend... other than Megan Rapinoe being anointed president... was the arrest of Jeffrey Epstein, a notorious pedophile with friends in the highest of places. The former hedge fund manager has been accused of sexually abusing and trafficking dozens of teenage girls over decades. He was arrested at Teterboro Airport in New Jersey on Saturday after flying in from Paris, and was indicted and charged today with one count of sex trafficking and one count of sex trafficking conspiracy. Epstein used his money and connections to evade justice for decades (sound familiar?). He received a mere slap on the wrist for conducting an alleged pyramid scheme in which he lured young girls to his Florida mansion, sexually abused them, and had them recruit more teenagers for abuse. An award-winning investigation in revealed how Epstein's lawyers, including Kenneth Starr (from The Starr Report) and Alan Dershowitz (former OJ defenseman, current Trump shill) struck a sweetheart deal with then-U.S. Attorney Alexander Acosta, who now serves as Donald Trump's Secretary of Labor. A judge said that Secretary Acosta broke the law in failing to inform Epstein's victims that a deal was made. The labor secretary is tasked with combating human trafficking. In 2002, President Donald Trump called Epstein "a terrific guy," and mentioned their shared passion for sexual predation. "It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side," Trump told New York Magazine.
Epstein has been linked to Trump, who is currently president, and also to Bill Clinton, who is not the president right now. In 2015, Gawker (RIP) published the flight logs for Epstein's private plane, which had an even worse nickname than "sex jet," "Bill Clinton took repeated trips on the Lolita Express... the private passenger jet owned by billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein... with an actress in softcore porn movies whose name appears in Epstein's address book under an entry for 'massages,' according to flight logbooks obtained by Gawker and published today for the first time. The logs also show that Clinton shared more than a dozen flights with a woman who federal prosecutors believe procured underage girls to sexually service Epstein and his friends and acted as a 'potential co-conspirator' in his crimes." The Epstein arrest put the spotlight on the former president, who much like the current president, has been accused of rape. MAGA heads insist that liberals are defending Bill, but most people on the left say "lock him up!" Bye!!!!!!!!
Melania Trump's hometown of hell... I mean Sevnica, Slovenia erected a statue to honor the First Lady, and it looks like somebody took a chainsaw to a tree... because that's exactly what they did. Blue collar pipe layer and amateur woodworker Ales "Maxi" Zupevc was commissioned by an American artist Brad Downey to capture the likeness of the concentration camp spokeswoman, violently yet elegantly recreating her inauguration outfit.
Slovenian locals are not pleased with having to look at this terrifying totem. "We in Sevnica can only laugh and, at the same time, hold our heads in our hands over (the Trumps') catastrophic reputation,” a local, 24-year-old female architecture student told Agence France-Presse. "If the monument was meant to be a parody, then the artist has been successful." "It doesn’t look anything like Melania. It’s a Smurfette. It’s a disgrace," another local told ITV. It looks familiar, but not because it looks like Melania.
Downey, the statue's benefactor, filmed a documentary about the making of the statue. It is still unclear whether or not he is trolling us all. Be best.
It's the first elimination time on America's Next Top President. It is being reported that Rep. Eric Swalwell (who?) will announce that he is suspending his presidential campaign and will instead focus on trying to get reelected to the House. Swalwell is salty about it... Sunday on Twitter, he implied that the Democratic National Committee's debate rules are rigged against him. If you're mourning the loss of a white dude in a field of eleventy-seven white dudes, then you'll be happy to learn that billionaire Tom Steyer has decided to spend some of his billions on an ego trip.
Ivanka Trump somehow showed up at a few historical moments where she was not wanted. Maybe she has a TARDIS...
She's in the way! Speaking of TARDIS, if I had one I would try and go meet Frank Zappa but knowing my luck it'll be when he was filming "The Monkees" and he'd be too busy...
Haha. That is real, people. Do you like those Fast and the Furious movies? I bet you don't know the original name of the franchise. I'll show you...
Ever notice the Rock is always buttoning up his sleeve? Look...
Told ya. So, a few weeks ago Trump was in England and the Brits sure had some crazy anti-Trump signs.
That's a very good point. Did you know Trump plays the accordion? I have proof.
So, I'm told if I go to Walmart I'd see some odd sights. I didn't believe it until I saw this...
Hahaha. Do you ever wonder what is Florida's state mascot is? If so I have the answer.
Ta-da! Hahahaha. Okay, you know I live in Florida, right? There's some stuff that happens in this state that happens no where else in the universe. So here is once again...
Barry Lee Hastings Jr., 35, celebrated the Fourth of July by cosplaying as a policeman, and got to meet a real one when he pulled over an off-duty deputy and warned him to "slow down." The real cop asked the fake cop for his credentials, and Hastings insisted that he left them at his office, aka the police station. Real Cop dialed 911 and Fake Cop was promptly arrested by another real cop, and has been charged with impersonating a public officer. Next time you want to pretend to be a cop, do it on stage at a strip club.
This is an easy one. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so a friend of the Phile wants to talk about someone disrespecting America. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...
Good afternoon, humans. Hmmmmmm... So, you agree to represent the American Women’s Soccer Team in The World Cup... you play in an outstanding manner and emerge victorious, making Americans around the world proud of your efforts, your team and America in general... you then proceed to disrespect the National Anthem, the American flag and America in general. Look... I have no problem with someone making a personal and political statement in a public forum but to do so in such a contrived and disrespectful manner is just embarrassing. You agreed to represent this country in a world competition... you win... then you bash the country that sent you to the competition. Seems a bit silly to me. Speak your mind... I’ll listen... Hell, I may even agree with some of the points you’re trying to make. But where you lose me... is when you trash this country, it’s flag or it’s citizens. I’ll be the first to admit, America is far from perfect... but let me ask you this... if it’s SO bad... WHY does everyone else place themselves at great peril to come here? WHY do you continue to live and work here? WHY don’t you leave to go live somewhere else? The answer to these questions is rather simple to grasp... with all it’s faults and imperfections, America is still the greatest country in the world to be. Try to remember that the next time you’re blowing your nose on the American flag.
Ross Perot
June 27th, 1930 — July 9th, 2019
Remember when we all thought he was too crazy to run for President? Boy... those were the days, huh?
The 101st book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Andrea will be the guest on the Phile next Tuesday, a week from today.
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before." "Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
This is soooo amazing. Today's guests are two legendary comedians. One is an American actor, comedian, writer, filmmaker, and musician and the other is a Canadian-American comedian, actor, voice artist, singer and writer. They are both in a new two-man comedy show, Now You See Them, Soon You Won't, and the Netflix special An Evening You Will Forget For the Rest of Your Life. Please welcome to the Phile... Steve Martin and Martin Short!!
Me: Wow!!! I am so excited to have you both here!! Welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Steve: Hello, Jason, happy to be here.
Me: So, in your stage show guys are you doing "King Tut" and Martin, are you doing Ed Grimley?
Steve: No.
Me: Martin, is it fun doing this new comedy then?
Martin: Oh, absolutely. I don't think this show is a "best of" show. It is as you said new. For me I could continuation of what I've always done and that's what makes me happy.
Me: Steve, do you like to be in this comedy team with Martin?
Steve: First I want to comment on comedy teams... Marty and I are a comedy team by accident. Other people have designed themselves to be comedy teams. I don't think of ourselves as an actual comedy team. We are two people working on stage together. But in a sense we are a new comedy team and I kind of like that idea. We just having fun and like we say, it's not a nostalgia tour. I don't really want to do old material and I don't think the audience really wants to see it anyway.
Me: Why don't you think the audience wants to see your past stuff?
Steve: The applause can feel different when it's a recognition applause versus when it's new laughter applause.
Martin: And if I come out as Ed Grimley I'll get a great applause and then have to follow it up with something. That's the hard part.
Me: Do you guy's ever get compared to the old school comedy duos?
Steve: Normally with a comedy team there's the straight man and funny person. I think we do both. We're both straight men and we're both funny to the other person. I like to set Marty up with a joke and I think he likes the same. It is different in that sense, I can't really think of an example. Their must be an example of a "comedy team" that works like this.
Me: The show is like a variety show, right? That's pretty rare as I don't think a lot of people do that anymore, am I right?
Steve: Well, in a television show variety show it's much easier to do because you just cut and go to the next thing. In a live show we have to set up the band, we have to do whatever, but we never set out to do a variety show. We just combined two shows that we already had and worked from there. It developed to what its become. I don't even know how to describe it.
Me: Martin, how would you explain the show?
Martin: I think if you analyze everything in comedy to much it's kind of mistake. I think Second City is a form that's been existing and thriving for well over fifty years, "SNL" is how in it's 44th season. I don't look at "SNL" and say "what an old fashioned format." I just say "Gee, is it making me laugh or not?"
Me: Okay, that makes sense. Where did you two first meet?
Steve: On the set of The Three Amigos.
Me: Cool. My parents loved that movie. Where did you become aware of Martin's work, Steve?
Steve: Oh, much earlier than that. I became a fan of "SCTV" and Marty, you came on in the 80s?
Martin: Yeah, I came on in '82, right.
Steve: Anyway, I was a fan of "SCTV" even before that. I was fully aware of "SCTV" then when Marty came on.
Me: Martin, when did you first become aware of Steve?
Martin: Oh, absolutely, I became aware of Steve in the mid 70s, from "Saturday Night Live" and before. I had his albums and they would be played at parties where Gilda and I and John Candy would be laughing hysterically.
Steve: I never knew that at all...
Martin: No, it was exciting to finally meet him then a let down.
Me: Ha. Steve, I always thought of you as a solo performer so where did that inspiration come from for you to collaborate?
Steve: Well, I would certainly only do it with a few people I think. One of them is Marty. I had a very nice collaboration with Alec Baldwin when we hosted the Oscars one year, I really enjoyed that. That's when I thought, hey, it's more fun with two. Also that's our own choice that came out of nowhere.
Me: Martin, I am supposed to interview soon Steve Young who is a filmmaker and used to write for David Letterman. He has a film called Bathtubs over Broadway and it's about industrial musicals. You were in these productions, right?
Martin: That's right, I used to do them when I was living in Toronto primarily until the 80s and this is '74. I did the Chrysler industrial show. The spirit of Chrysler in '74, we came out with dry ice and dancing girls.
Steve: We'll do one in a second if anybody asked us.
Me: Martin, do you think you took anything from that time?
Martin: Oh, I think anytime I perform I'm better. These were big production shows, and yes they were about a Fury and a Ford but still we were in costumes and there was lighting and audience participation. I only got better when I did that.
Me: That's crazy. Steve you're a banjo player... do you play banjo in the show?
Steve: We recorded a Scruggs tune but we didn't include it in the show. We just didn't think it was appropriate. I started out as a Scruggs player. Clawhammer came later.
Me: I have mo idea what that means.
Steve: It's like ballet and tap, they are two different very different disciplines. They almost have nothing to do with each other. So you really are learning a new instrument if you go to Clawhammer. The way I learned the move is sit in front of the television with a banjo in my hand and do some Clawhammer licks. That's how it happened.
Me: I still don't get it. Maybe some of my readers will know.
Steve: For you and your readers if you don't know, Scruggs is played by picks on the fingers and you pluck essentially up with the finger. And Clawhammer you don't wear picks and you pluck down with the back of your fingernail. What about if you're in the south and it's a 70s movie and the prisoner has escaped and you hear the dueling banjo's playing, what is that, Jason?
Me: That's Scruggs style.
Steve: Very good.
Me: When you first started playing music on stage was it challenging after doing comedy for so long?
Steve: With music you play for about four minutes before you get an audience reaction, in comedy it should happen pretty much right away. What an interesting question. It was very different and I wouldn't suspect someone would think that. When I started playing music on stage with a band after comedy I have to wait three minutes before I even know if it's going well. So that was a shift for me because I kept waiting for some kind of feedback. What I really want is silence when I'm playing music and then either some kind of reaction at the end. It did take awhile and I thought I got to get used this silence here.
Me: Martin, do you feel the same way when you sing on stage?
Martin: I think I do but I tend to use my musical ability as a way to get a laugh. I don't think anyone wants to see me sincerely sing the ballads.
Me: Do you think the audiences have changed since you both started comedy?
Martin: I think we have to be sensitive on what we could say. There tends to be a ramification from it. I do think the ramification is slightly over exaggerated. I think the people are concerned more than probably the end result. There's always limits of what we shouldn't say I think.
Me: Steve, what about you?
Steve: Yes, I believe in limits. I believe in letting the audience trust me. So if I was a comedian who is known for not having any limits that's fine. We are not known for that. So I don't want the audience to come in expecting one thing and suddenly we're out being completely outrageous and filthy. But it's up the performer to define what they do to the audience ahead of time.
Me: Is there anything you guys did in the show that you cut because it didn't go over well with the audience?
Steve: It was the opposite actually. It was really landing but we made an intellectual decision that it was pretty old fashioned. But it was working so much that was the hard thing.
Me: What was it and what was behind the intellectual decision?
Martin: I came out in drag. First of all our show's are longer than what Netflix wanted so we had to lose thirty minutes of material. And we both looked at that number and thought something wasn't working.
Steve: Yes. It was something we thought wouldn't work on television.
Me: How do you like being back in the road touring again?
Steve: We love it.
Martin: It's really fun. Look, if we were not deeply enjoying this we would not be doing it. We are not on the road continuously. We do four shows a month then we take the month off. It's not a grueling schedule.
Me: So, what's this about the colonoscopy club you're in with Tom Hanks?
Steve: Hahahaha. It's not really a club. It's a way in making colonoscopies more tolerable, all the guys would hang out at my house, have dinner, drink our fluids and go on the same day. Turn it into a party instead of a pain... a pain in the ass.
Me: So, what is doing this show doing creatively that you can't do anywhere else. Martin?
Martin: Well, if I work on stage it's a totally different set of muscles than if I work in a film. I think for me it's the most exhilarating because it's in the moment and it's live. There's energy in the room that feeds back, makes me more on my game. So to me this is the favourite forum.
Me: Steve, how about you?
Steve: I'm so happy doing this and I have no interest in movies, no interest in going to work at 6 a.m. and wrapping at 8 p.m. and sitting in a trailer. I've lost that, I like this. We fly together, we laugh, we rehearse the show in the day, we get to do a sound check, we have a great time on stage, we have a great time after. This is my show business life now but I keep forgetting because it's so easy and fun I forget that it's creative. Sometimes I think I'm not doing anything creative, yes I am. I'm doing sixty shows a year with Marty.
Me: What are the audiences like?
Martin: The audiences are filed with many generations of people.
Steve: I like that they are their but maybe they weren't fans, maybe they're just ticket buyers for the last three years. Maybe they came late to things, maybe there is some nostalgia there. It's all kind of reasons. Maybe they want to bring their kids, meaning their 30-year-old kids. I don't like to analyze who the audience is. I can't quite figure that out.
Me: Thanks you two for being on the Phile. This was HUGE to me, please come back again.
Steve: Thanks a lot. Bye.
Martin: Bye.
Wow! With times like this I really wish my parents were alive to see this. My mum loved Martin Short. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim, Steve Martin and Martin Short. The Phile will be back on Monday with actor and stunt man Anthony De Longis. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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