Monday, February 20, 2017

Pheaturing Jacob Davich

How much rump would Trump hump if Trump could hump rump with a tiny stump? As much rump as Trump could hump, if Trump could fit his stump. Oh, man. Haha. Hi, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday... it's President's Day. Let's celebrate President's Day with the reckless abandon of a local appliance store. The Mexican acronym of the day, FTP (Fuck That Puto). Anyway, happy President's Day to all presidents but Trump. Not only is it President's Day, it's also my 20th anniversary working at Walt Disney World. Yep, for twenty-nine years I saved my morning dumps for work so I can get paid to poop. Hahaha.
Speaking of Disney, let's start off with a Disney related story.
Lindsay Lohan might not have acted in a major theatrical role since 2013's Scary Movie 5, but she's got a little idea brewing. She wants to play Ariel in a live-action remake of Disney's animated classic, A Little Mermaid, because, duh, have you seen her hair? And sure, Lindsay Lohan hasn't put out an album (her first and last) since 2004, but come on, have you even seen her hair?? It's red! Like Ariel's! Yesterday morning, Lohan took to Instagram to post a side-by-side photo of her and the Disney princess. Originally, the caption outlined her plan for bringing her idea to fruition, but now the scheme has been replaced with a simple and uncontroversial #thelittlemermaid. According to "EW," the original caption read, "I will sing again, as #ariel #thelittlemermaid [if] @Disney approve that #billcondon directs it," referring to the director who helped bring musical films like Chicago and Dream Girls to life. It's entertaining that the only contingency Lohan mentions is whether or not Bill Condon will agree to direct the film, not whether she will get cast or if the movie will even be made by Disney, but you have to respect her confidence. Would Lohan make a great Ariel? Who's to say. But let us not forget the fact that Lohan has played opposite herself not once, but twice, in The Parent Trap and again in I Know Who Killed Me. Plus, her hair.
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. And some are aiming a little lower than greatness. Take this mad genius who figured out how a little patience could get him a big payday... in the form of a lawsuit settlement... from megastore superchain Walmart. Is this the best get-rich-quick scheme we've ever seen? Not even close, but still, the man is thinking outside the box, and that's saying something.

People, this is what courage looks like. And we need to celebrate it. The only problem I can foresee, besides the fact that the scheme has gone viral, is that he made a slight miscalculation as to where he was standing. Anyway, legend has it that he's still out there at Walmart right now, waiting through the night for the gentle breeze that will knock that "P" off the side of the building and make him a millionaire. His resolve, though, is unshakeable. As President Trump would say: SEE YOU IN COURT.
Science has determined the five most beautiful women in the world, so adjust your boners. The study is based on the Greek Golden Ratio of Beauty Phi, a thousands of years old measurement of facial features that determines the "perfect" face. It was conducted by Dr. Julian De Silva at the The Centre For Advanced Facial Cosmetic & Plastic Surgery. Dr. De Silva told the "Daily Mail, "We have devised a brand new computer mapping technique which can calculate how to make subtle improvements to facial shapes. With this ground-breaking technology, we have solved some of the mysteries of what it is that makes someone physically beautiful." Ugh, if that isn't the most depressing quote ever. It's a complicated measurement system that you honestly shouldn't waste your time on, but give it a try if you like being disappointed. So, who is the most "beautiful" woman in the word? Drum roll please... Amber Heard! That's right, Johnny Depp's ex (currently in the midst of a messy divorce) was declared the most beautiful woman by Dr. De Silva's study. Who else does Dr. De Silva think is smoking hot? Here are the remaining women that made up the top 5! Kim Kardashian, Kate Moss, Emily Ratajkowski and Kendall Jenner. Others that made the list were Helen Mirren, Scarlett Johansson, Selena Gomez, Marilyn Monroe, and Jennifer Lawrence. Wot? Kelly Clarkson is not on the list? Bull. Shit.
Okay, we have to talk about the president... President Trump has been faring so badly in Washington, D.C.... what with the leaks, resignations, foiled executive orders, and memes... that he decided to throw one of his signature campaign rallies in Melbourne, Florida, on Saturday. Sure, the 2020 election is a loooooong 1,354 days away, but when you can't get jack done with your kleptocracy in the nation's capital, it's nice to get some adulation from your throngs of adoring fans in the heartland of Real America. Okay, so maybe the turnout wasn't that great. But Trump doesn't care about appearances! He cares about the American people! Which is why he's... making them applaud for him instead of working to create those jobs he promised? Anyway, he was already pretty incoherent on the campaign trail, but a month into his presidency, Donald Trump's improvised on-the-record comments are more baffling than ever. Saturday... which, incidentally, found him back in rally mode... he dropped another vaguely menacing reference that no one understood, "You look at what's happening in Germany. You look at what's happening last night in Sweden... Sweden... who would believe this? Sweden, they took in large numbers, they are having problems like they never thought possible. You look at what's happening Brussels, you look at what's happening all over the world." As the current citizen-operator of the @sweden account confirmed, while being swiftly overwhelmed with notifications... nothing of import actually occurred. Now, perhaps the simplest thing would be to say Trump's inventing some terrorist incident out of thin air. Or just half-remembering a Fox News segment. Surely he was referring to something? Whatever it was, I'm sure it was tragic, and utterly preventable. Please, a moment of silence now for Sweden.
Star Wars fans still have to wait until December 15th to see the franchise's next installment, The Last Jedi. But despite Disney's total crackdown on spoilers, the hype train shows no signs of slowing down. Nerds are latching onto any hint they possibly can to figure out what might happen in Episode VIII, and now they've got a big one. After the title of The Last Jedi was announced in January, fans immediately started speculating. Who is the last Jedi? Luke? Rey? That buttface guy from A New Hope? You know, Ponda Baba. Until now, there was no clue. But on Friday, Star Wars Twitter accounts in other languages shared the official translations of The Last Jedi for the first time. And due to the "Force" of linguistics, we now have some very interesting information about what it really means. Any Spanish speakers out there will already have noticed it. (And to all my Spanish-speaking readers, hola!) The title The Last Jedi is actually PLURAL. As in, there is more than one last Jedi. We just never noticed it in English, because the plural of "Jedi" is "Jedi." (Way to mess with us, Lucas.) Fan immediately started freaking out. And it's not just in Spanish. Fans who speak other languages that pluralize definite articles confirmed it. This should come as a relief to all the geeks who worried that the title implied Luke was going to die. He still could definitely die, but some of the pressure is off.If anything, this revelation only raises further questions. Are Luke and Rey the last Jedi, or has Luke secretly been training a whole academy of recruits to fight alongside them? Or is there another group of Jedi hidden somewhere in the galaxy, waiting to make their presence known? I  figured it out. The Ewoks are all Jedi. You're welcome.
Hey, this just in what Trump was referring to when he mentioned "last night in Sweden."

Or maybe it's this...

Oh, the horror. I'm glad they released a poster to remember that horrible day on February 17th...

Luckily Ikea sells this by the way...

Oh, Sweden. So, Trump just signed a new executive order this morning. Let's see what it is...

Ummm... I don't think that's an executive order. The White House has been compromised. Hahaha. Only a handful of my readers will appreciate that. Did you know Disney, the greatest company to work for ever, is coming out with a movie starring Trump?

That's not Kellyanne's first movie though. She was in another movie in the 70s...

Scary. Do you kids play the video game "Skyrim"? There's a brand new character in the game.

Did you see that Trump press conference that was a shit show last week? There was one part I liked about it...

So, there's a lot of Trump products out there, and not all are flattering. Like this one for instance...

You might not realize it but some of your... yes, your!... friends like Donald Trump on Facebook. Now, there's an easy way to find out who they are. Created by Gabriel Whaley, the website, shows users who among their Facebook friends like the controversial presidential. It's always been possible to create a list of your friends who like Trump (or anything, for that matter) by typing "My Friends who like X" into Facebook's search bar, but Whaley's site makes it easier and infinitely shareable. Okay, so, there's a lot of blogs out there for you to chose from. Not all have been around for 11 years or is as popular as this one.... haha... but there's so many. So, once again here is...

Today's award goes to This is what it looks like...

Looks... ummm... interesting. The last entry was May, 2015? Anyway, check it out and tell him the Phile sent you. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Startling Similarities Or Differences Between Trump's Press Conference And A Bus Station Bathroom
5. Is full of ugly sounds that you'll never be able to unheard.
4. Makes you question the existence of a just and loving God.
3. Features a high degree of decorum and respect for those who have gone before.
2. There's someone one on staff capable of cleaning up resulting messes.
And the number one similarity or difference between Trump's press conference and a bus station bathroom is...
1. Shit, shit and more shit!

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Hey, want a good laugh?

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

Okay, so the Oscars are next weekend so if you are having an Oscar party or just going to an Oscar party I thought it'll be fun to tell you some Oscar facts. Marlon Brando and Robert De Niro are the only two actors to win Oscars (Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor) for playing the same character in different films: Vito Corleone in The Godfather (1972) and The Godfather, Part II (1974), respectively.

Omar Abdel-Rahman 
May 3rd, 1938 — February 18th, 2017
Hard to bill yourself as a bad-ass terrorist when you wear a Santa hat every day of your life. Dummy.

President's Day
President's Day is an annual U.S. holiday honoring those in the market for a new mattress or car.

The 57th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

The author Shelly Ambrose will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Today's pheatured guest is a very talented musician whose new single "My Father's Gun" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Jacob Davich.

Me: Jacob! Welcome to the Phile, man. How are you doing?

Jacob: As of this moment extremely well thank you, cut myself shaving this morning but other than that I can't complain!

Me: Okay, so, let's get this outta the way and then we can focus on your music... you were a child actor, am I right?

Jacob: You are well informed, my friend, I was an acting child indeed.

Me: How old were you when you started to act, Jacob?

Jacob: I was 12 years old when out of sheer happenstance I stumbled into the first iTunes commercial ever to hit the air. It was a classic right time right place story.

Me: How old are you now, Jacob?

Jacob: I am now 26, the child has evolved, had to happen eventually right?

Me: Yeah. You were in the movies The Aviator and The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl. I never saw that movie but I think my son who was just a kid at the time saw it on TV or video. You weren't Sharkboy, right?

Jacob: Heyyy that's what I like to hear, I hope your son still watches it as a grown man! Just kidding, but no I was not Sharkboy that was Taylor Lautner, who as I remember was a very cool dude.

Me: Who did you play in the movie?

Jacob: I was the bad guy in the movie with two alternating identities, Linus and Minus. I must confess I enjoyed being a bad guy far more than I would have enjoyed being the good guy.

Me: I have a pic of you from that movie...

Me: Was that the first movie you were in, Jacob?

Jacob: The first movie I ever worked on was The Aviator. I'm easily one of the luckiest people in Los Angeles to say that I dropped into the industry by sheer happenstance to find myself on a Martin Scorsese set performing a scene with Leonardo DiCaprio. The casting director saw my iTunes commercial and thought I looked like a young Leo at the time. It was crazy and I probably shelled out all my luck for the rest of my life in that one moment... but damn it was worth it.

Me: Do you have a favorite movie that you were in?

Jacob: The Aviator will always have the most cred, but I definitely had the most fun on Sharkboy and Lava Girl. I mean it was all green screen, I had a lead role as the villain, and I gotta play Xbox with Robert Rodriguez and George Lopez in between scenes. I was having the time of my life.

Me: I bet that was a cool experience. Did Leonardo give you any acting advice or advice about life? 

Jacob: What Leo taught me was how to always be gracious to people, no matter how famous you are. He could have shrugged me off and hid in his trailer but instead he cracked open a Coke and hung out with little 13 year old me in between shot setups. Probably not what most people would expect from someone that famous.

Me: When was the last time you acted, Jacob?

Jacob: The last thing I worked on I believe was an episode of "Shameless," which I was almost a main character in! I always did little episodes of shows in between movies to stay on my toes.

Me: I love that show! You put acting on hold to concentrate on your music career... which is smart. Your songs are really good. Was it a hard decision?

Jacob: Well thank you for the compliment, and frankly it didn't even feel like a decision, it happened pretty organically. It's a long walk from age 12 to 22 and there came a point when I realized that I was a better musician than I was an actor and it wasn't what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, ya know? I'll let you know in 20 years how that decision worked out.

Me: Do you think you'll go back into acting again?

Jacob: If it presents itself I'll always consider an opportunity. Truthfully I just don't have a taste for it anymore. If I had pursued it as a kid and then switched to music before I ever got anywhere with acting than it might feel like something left undone. But since I experienced so much and got relatively far, it feels like I checked that box off my list I guess. Acting... check. Coooool let's see what else is going on around here!

Me: Okay, what if Disney calls you and say they want you in a new Marvel movie or Star Wars movie would you do it?

Jacob: I would probably say hell yes to either of those major franchise blockbusting motion pictures, I'd be crazy not to. But I'm not going to go out of my way at this point to convince them they need me in their next movie. Because I don't mind telling ya... that is really really really hard to do. It takes a lifetime of dedication and then also a pile of luck, just to get into the rooms where people are considered for movies like that.

Me: Jacob, where are you originally from?

Jacob: I'm from Pasadena, California, baby!

Me: Where do you live now? I live in Pasadena, California, baby! I love it here. 20 minutes away from downtown L.A. but with the added benefit of fresh oxygen, some trees, and a couple squirrels running around. The perfect balance.

Me: How long have you been writing music and playing guitar, Jacob?

Jacob: I started playing guitar when I was 15, and dove in head first. Went right for the James Taylor/Lindsey Buckingham style of intricate finger picking. I soaked up a lot of great music in those early years and wrote some songs as a teenager but after a few years of foolishness and goofing off, I actually started trying to write "good" songs when I was about 22.

Me: Did you take music lessons? What about acting lessons when you did that?

Jacob: Acting lessons no. That was one thing that I just didn't really vibe with. I got as far as I did with my basic instincts and that was working as a kid. If I stayed with it as an adult I might have taken some classes. Music on the other hand is a different bag, I definitely benefited from really good music teachers. My pops is one of the greatest piano players I'll ever know so having him in the house to bother with every little musical question that popped in my head was pretty convenient. Also My first guitar teacher was a man named Marc Bonilla, truly one of the greatest guitar players of all time. So I had it pretty damn good musically speaking.

Me: What did your parents think of your musical talents and you changing careers? Were they surprised?

Jacob: Hmm good question. My pops has been a TV composer forever so he at least knew the industry and could find out who was full of it and who wasn't. They've always been pretty damn supportive. It takes guts to even let your kid work at any rate as a 12-year-old, and I know a lot of kids who got destroyed by the rejection of acting, it can be pretty rough. But I had great parents and had music to keep me company in between those rejections so I had it pretty good.

Me: Your father was a TV composer?

Jacob: My father, Marty Davich, is a great TV and film composer, he wrote all the music for "ER" which was a huge show for NBC for several years so I grew up around a working composer. My mother is a wonderful artist who was a clothing designer for many years, she always supported her children being artistic in any way possible.

Me: I love your new song "My Father's Gun." What is that song about, Jacob?

Jacob: It's about a young man who's got nothing more to lose after the death of his father, and he's ready to hop on that westbound train headed for the promised land. Who can't relate to that from time to time?

Me: In the song you sing "my name is Johnny Casper." Who is Johnny Casper?

Jacob: Welllll, I needed a name for this down and out character, trying to scrape together what's left of his shattered mentality, and that name just stuck with me. Johnny Casper, I don't know it just had a sort of dark and gloomy, somewhat mysterious ring to it. Of course once you settle on something for a certain period of time it's hard to picture anything else in it's place, but I still think it's a cool name. 

Me: Does songwriting come easy to you like you're writing a story?

Jacob: No, I wouldn't say it comes easy at all. The music comes easier than the lyrics but I guess I have a certain pride that demands me to also write my own lyrics, to be the sole proprietor of my songs. When it comes time to put my lyrics into stone (a.k.a. a piece of paper) I sit and I sweat and I get frustrated for what seems like forever but eventually when I have something I'm satisfied with it's worth the stressing!

Me: I love the horns in the song, Jacob. Did you have an idea when you were writing that song how you wanted it to sound?

Jacob: Dude, the instrumentation arrangements on this track are insane, right?? Actually, no the horns were my dads idea, he wanted just this little mariachi thing happening in just a couple places. But then the string player came in with this crazy dramatic string part, which then the horn player heard and basically said ah-hah! I'll show you! And tried to one up him, and what resulted was like this Quentin Tarantino style musical section which I couldn't deny, I loved it immediately!

Me: Who are your influences?

Jacob: Ah yes, the most pivotal question of all for any musician. Let's do it this way, my personal favorite songwriter is Paul Simon. Like that's my guy, if I could magically make someone disappear from history and then steal all their songs it'd be him. Another one of my favorite's is Jimmy Webb, who wrote a lot of those great Glenn Campbell songs like "Galveston" and "Wichita Lineman." My favorite band of all time is probably Steely Dan, just based off of sheer musicianship, they were setting the bar. True singer songwriter's like myself that inspire me: James Taylor, Jackson Browne, Bruce Springsteen, Dan Fogelberg, of course Dylan but can't forget Joni Mitchell, Laura Nyro, that's my kind of music.

Me: You have been compared to James Taylor and Jackson Browne... which is not too shabby. Are you fans of those particular artists?

Jacob: You know it! I basically learned how to play guitar off of James Taylor songs. I was only like 6 months into guitar but I forced my teacher to teach me these complex James Taylor picking patterns and I think it served me well. I got pretty good pretty fast because I went after really tough material. 

Me: If you could record with anybody who would you chose?

Jacob: Damnnn, that's a tough one. In a perfect world it'd be someone like a Billy Joel, because he's such a good songwriter and also a phenomenal piano player, those are the types of people I'm really impressed by. I don't know exactly who the contemporary version of that is today but when I find him/her I'll let you know!

Me: I'm a big Billy Joel fan. You're coming out with a new EP called "Between the Lines." This is not your first release, right?

Jacob: Yes, indeed, it's actually a full album that I'll be releasing sometime around March. I have a 5 song EP that is currently on iTunes. 

Me: How would you compare this new EP to your previous one?

Jacob: I'll just say that even I can hear the maturity in my music compared to my previous tunes. Not much has changed in my general direction musically but I think there's a new level of seriousness to my writing, song choice, and the arranging of the music that went into my current record. I hope you all enjoy it when it comes out!

Me: Do you perform a lot of shows, Jacob?

Jacob: I get out from time to time but certainly one of my goals is to play out more this year. I've been very caught up in writing recently because what I want from myself hopefully in the near future is to get a publishing deal. To write songs as a true professional and have other artists perform them along with myself. That's what I want to be at my core, a songwriter.

Me: Do people recognize you from your acting roles?

Jacob: Once in a long while I get a "Hey you look familiar... do I know you from somewhere?" I was much younger in those movies but a pretty big generation of people just a couple years younger than me saw Sharkboy and Lava Girl at some point in their lives so I have a feeling I'll be in a few subconsciouses for a while.

Me: So, how many songs have you written?

Jacob: Not enough, and also more than I'll admit. I can't tell you how many times I've written a song, not liked it, and then dispensed of it. That happens way more than when I writing something and like it. It might seem crazy but when I write something I don't like, I won't even tell anyone I've written anything at all!

Me: Did you used to write music when you were a kid?

Jacob: No way. My pops made me take piano lessons as a kid and I hated it! I used to hide from the piano teacher when he came over but now I dare you to try and stop me from playing the piano when we go to a strangers house.

Me: Jacob, you are a very talented musician and songwriter... I say you made the right decision. I'm very impressed. Are you gonna be making music for awhile?

Jacob: Oh god, yeah, and thank you! The way I see it I have no choice but to do this, it's the only thing I'm good at! I hope to be bothering you guys with interviews like this for a very long time.

Me: Alright, my friend, mention your website and anything else you wanna and I hope this was fun and I hope you'll come back on the Phile again soon. Take care.

Jacob: Thanks, Jason, hope you enjoyed picking my brain for the past 3 hours that it took me to write this. My website is and thank you again for all the great questions, peace!

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jacob for a great interview. The Phile will be back again on Saturday with piano legend Bob Hall. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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