Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. Tonight starts Rosh Hashanah if you're Jewish. May the Jewish New Year bring you many joyful events to complain about. I'd have a deeper understanding of Rosh Hashanah if even one of my Jewish friends understood what it was. Anyway, I have a lot of stuff to get into, so let's get going. Now that "Playboy" has officially stopped showing naked bodies, they're swinging the other direction by featuring their first Muslim woman wearing a hijab. Is "Playboy" becoming a feminist magazine? It seems counterintuitive for a woman who wears a headscarf for modesty to be appearing in the same publication Pamela Anderson famously asked her children's permission to appear in. But, despite her obvious beauty, 22-year-old Noor Tagouri is actually in the men's magazine as part of their "Renegades of 2016" series, which includes "men and women [who] will change how you think about business, music, porn, comedy, gaming and more." In her feature, "Playboy" shines a light on Tagouri's work as journalist and activist, giving her the platform to discuss her new job as a reporter for Newsy. This makes her not just the first woman wearing a hijab to appear in "Playboy," but also the first to work as a news anchor. While the current distrust of Muslims in this country would indicate a difficult path as a journalist, the 2015 TedX speaker believes her hijab makes her more trustworthy to her subjects. "To be honest, I think being a hijabi Muslim woman, helped me gain that trust. I know what it’s like to have the narrative of our community be skewed and exploited in the media. I was like, 'Hey, I know what it’s like to be misrepresented in the media.'" If a woman who is used to being misrepresented in the media can trust "Playboy," it won't be long before we're seeing critical feministic analysis on Brazzers.
You might wanna cross your legs before reading this. A woman in California got her tubes tied, along with a procedure called uterine ablation to reduce her menstrual flow, and found herself in pain for months afterward... something that was a complete mystery to her until she went to the bathroom one day and saw a gigantic medical tool sticking out from her vagina. Or, in her words to CBS, "My toilet paper got caught on a metal probe." Her gynecologist had previously dismissed her pain as a severe vaginal infection, even after performing a pelvic exam. But x-rays show that it was actually a tool used in surgery. About 4,000 Americans get a foreign object from surgery stuck in their bodies every year, and she was lucky enough to be one of them. She's now suing for malpractice. "She very well could have died," her attorney said. "She could have got sepsis or some other horrible infection that didn’t go away." But even though the worst case scenario didn't happen, she did have to walk around with a gigantic metal surgical tool in her vagina for 11 weeks, so give her a million dollars please.
Ladies, times are tough. The world can be a lonely place. But even at your very worst, pray to God you are never moved to have sex with a headless baby dinosaur statue at a kids' tourist attraction. Unfortunately this advice comes a little late for a mystery woman in Devon, U.K., who was photographed from behind at the Exmouth Dino Trail as she pulled up her skirt, mounted the prehistoric lizard, and went to town. Hey lady! Psst! It's Exmouth, not Sexmou... oops, too late. The U.K.'s "Daily Express" reports that police are currently searching for the unidentified woman, who also allegedly exposed herself in a bar. This woman is having one hell of a week. John Thorogood, the organizer of the theme park, told "Express," "Whilst we have had some deliberate damage to the dinosaurs in past weeks, this episode brings things to an all time low as far as these important and very popular assets to our town are concerned. "His implication that this time people have gone too far kind of makes one wonder about the other, not-quite-as-low lows these dinosaurs have endured at the hands (and other body parts of) of palaeophiles. Because the loss of a head, for starters, is pretty bad.
Last weekend, Jamie Barnes returned to her house in South Memphis, Tennessee to find that not only had her house been broken into, but that the burglars had decided to stop for a quickie on her couch, Huffington Post reports. How rude! As if breaking in and then third wheeling her wasn't bad enough, the burgling couple (burgle buddies? burgle-lovers?) also ransacked the house. “It’s horrible in there. It’s absolutely horrible in there. It’s like they just had a big old nasty party,” Barnes told WREG TV. “Walk in and they’re having sex on my couch. I pick up my broom, I wanted to hit that man so bad.” Instead, Barnes chased the man out of the house, while he kept saying, “I don’t know nothing!” over and over (maybe he meant he "don't know nothing" about how to burgle, because you should always leave the house right after, not stop to have sex). He is still at large. The female burgle-lover wasn't so lucky (typical!). She stayed behind and apparently she tried to cover up by putting on one of the victim's dresses. “She tried to grab one of my dresses and put it on and I snatched it from her... ‘What are you trying to do?’” said Barnes. According to the police department, jewelry, appliances, shoes and clothing were reported stolen from her house. Barnes is apparently also looking for a new home, which makes sense. Probably a new couch, too.
There is a terrifyingly realistic vagina mask for sale on Etsy. It might be the scariest thing I've ever seen (and I watched the debate). Seriously though, this is a real product. It was made by artist Melissa Coulter, costs $480, and is "fully functional" according to the Etsy page. Functional for what though? I have a LOT of questions... and for once, the Internet was useless at answering them. Here's what the mask looks like. (Not safe for work or anywhere).
And here's the side view... because you know you want to see this from every angle.
A Google search for "vagina mask why????" revealed only information about face masks for your vag (not interested). The letters "BDSM" in the Etsy title would suggest this is a fetish thing. But a Google search for that led to some very NSFW image results. So, you'll just have to arrive at these answers on your own (and not on your work computer). EVEN weirder than this mask and the fact that it exists are the product reviews. There are seven of them. That means at least seven people out there paid $480 for this mask. And every single one of them gave it five out of five stars and a glowing review. Apparently this mask is so good, people want to buy it again? Still, these completely sincere reviews offer zero clues as to what the mask is for. So it looks like all of my questions, like the image of the vagina mask, will haunt me for eternity.
Halloween is right around the corner, if you want to get the mask to wear for it. There's costumes though that I am already sick of seeing. Like Donald Trump's hair...
Even wearing a big shaggy rug and saying you're Donald Trump's hair is not clever enough. This goes for any Donald Trump pun, or any Donald Trump costume. Too easy! Sad! Speaking of Trump, did you guys see the debate on Monday? I thought Trump didn't look right... and all that sniffing. See what I mean?
I thought Hillary looked a little odd as well...
Awe. There's a website that is called cocktailsforamerica.com and they just put out this campaign poster which I thought was pretty funny.
Did you see Hillary's impersonation of Monica Lewinsky?
Hahahaha. So, FoxNews did this the other day which I thought was cool but other people I know didn't...
CNN's graphic department has been trolling Trump recently if you didn't know.
Okay, enough about him. This is turning out to be like the Stephen Colbert show. I do have to show you Bernie Sanders' new campaign poster though...
The International Food and Wine Festival is going on at Epcot right now, and I think they're gonna change the name to just International Food Festival...
Bert carefully hides the pressure cooker, and considers how well his life has served Allah.
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, before we continue I have to say something. Over the years I did my blog people have occasionally asked me how long I will be doing it for. I never thought I'll hit ten years, that is for sure. Well, recently I was thinking about that and I finally have an answer. The Phile will come to an end in the summer of 2018. That year I'll hit 50-years-old and think that's a good time for me end this stupid thing. Anyway, don't be upset, I still have at least twenty more months of stupid dumb shit to post. Alright, it's Sunday, and that means it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.
Me: Jeff, welcome back. Could this really be week 4? Sheese. So, I'm an idiot. I thought this was the seventh year we did this Phootball Talk thing but it's only the sixth year. So, I wanna call this Phootball Talk Interception. I thought it sounded cool. Next year we'll call it Touchdown for the last ear we'll do this. You did a good job with the graphic by the way.
Jeff: It's hard to believe we are a quarter way through the season so far. I didn't even know what year it was, so I wouldn't say you are an idiot. Thanks!
Me: Okay, so, let's talk about the latest NFL news. What's your take on my boy Odell Beckham's fit at the last game?
Jeff: Beckham is fiery, that's for sure. And Josh Norman seems to know the right buttons to press. I don't have a problem with it as long as punches aren't thrown. That's when you know it goes too far.
Me: Speaking of the Giants, I'm bummed they lost to the Redskins. That was a close game.
Jeff: Yeah, yours was a close game. The Steelers gone blown out! To the Eagles! And I have a severe problem with that happening! Of all teams! The Eagles! Not happy about it! But Pittsburgh is getting their running back back from suspension this week!
Me: What other news in the NFL?
Jeff: I made this comment on a post on Facebook.... "It looks like Supreme Emperor Goodell isn't the only one with a problem with New England." I say this as their third string quarterback is now injured and they're still a week away from Tom Brady coming back. The injuries are certainly piling up this season. Ryan Fitzpatrick threw a few interceptions last week. Not one. Not two, not three. Still not four, still not five... but six interceptions. At one point do you think maybe we pull him from the game?
Me: Jeff, did you see the 2016 Chicago Bears defense? If not...
Jeff: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That's accurate... Actually no, I think those bears could stop someone... anyone.
Me: Okay, so, how did we do last week?
Jeff: Well, both our teams lost. One of us went 0-2 last week. One went 2-0. Congratulations putting some distance between us now. You're leading by six points now!
Me: YES!!!! Let's do this week's picks... I say the Jags by just 1 and Panthers by 1 as well. The Giants play the Vikings tomorrow. Ugh. What do you pick?
Jeff: My picks this week are Denver by 3 and Washington by a point. Steelers play tonight! My first chance to see them on TV this year!
Me: Alright, the Phile will be back next Thursday not Sunday so I'll see you then. Have a good week.
Jeff: Sounds good. See you later. Take it easy!
August 2nd, 1923 — September 27th, 2016
He won a Nobel Peace Prize, a Presidential Medal of Freedom, AND a Congressional Gold Medal... and still married a chick who was a truck driver. Talk about having NO GAME...
September 10th, 1929 — September 25th, 2016
62 wins and 7 major championships, and he'll still be remembered for a combination of lemonade and iced tea. Nice.
Today's pheatured guest is the lead singer for the Canadian band Greg Preston & The Great Machine whose EP "Hate to Love the City" is available on Bandcamp. Please welcome to the Phile... Greg Preston!
Me: Hello, Greg, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Greg: Fine, thanks. You?
Me: Hanging in there. Okay, your band is called The Great Machine, right? Who is in The Great Machine? It is a band and not anything else I am guessing... if you know what I mean.
Greg: Yes, we are The Great Machine and for the most part we play drums, bass and guitar. I take care of guitar and singing, I also write the songs. Jonny Szymanski plays drums and percussion, and Jon Daly plays bass and synth. And yes, we are a band. I don’t know if we could be anything else.
Me: Where are you from, Greg?
Greg: We’re all from Hamilton, Ontario. Which is in Canada.
Me: Okay, in that case I have to ask you a question I asked every Canadian pretty much I interviewed... are you a fan of one of my favorite all-time bands Barenaked Ladies?
Greg: Ha. Well, being from here we have heard them on the radio our whole lives. They are hard to get away from in that way. But we find more influence in rhythm and blues records, Motown, garage music of all kinds. Groups like the Velvet Underground, or The Sonics. Singers like James Brown, Tom Waits, early blues and rock and roll, these are the bands we connect with.
Me: Let's talk about your new EP "Hate to Love the City." Which city would you be talking about? Any in particular?
Greg: It’s about our city but not exclusively. It’s about people praising their city as the be all end all. People talk about our cities music scene like were living through New York in the 60s but I couldn’t disagree more. So it’s a joke about that, I would hate to be one of those people. But it’s about resisting what people say is the norm within the city, I perfer when music in a mixing pot of different influence.
Me: Is this your first release, Greg?
Greg: I have solo releases from a few years ago but this is The Great Machine’s first.
Me: The EP was recorded live-on-the-floor, right? No overdubs or anything?
Greg: We over-dubbed a backing vocal on “Zoot Suit." The rest was off the floor with only a few takes.
Me: So, this is pretty much how you sound in concert? Man, if that's the case, I would love to see you guys in concert.
Greg: It’s a pretty close sample of our live sound. We wanted it that way. Save the overdubs for a full record.
Me: Ever been down to Florida to play, Greg?
Greg: No, but if your offering a gig we are available.
Me: The EP was produced by Michael Keire who has produced two bands I had members of here on the Phile... Wildlife and Dark Mean. Are you aware of both bands?
Greg: Our bass player Jon is also an engineer and has worked on both of their most recent recordings. We are friendly with both bands.
Me: Now the EP is out, will you be working on a full length album?
Greg: First possible touring and then a full-length in the near future.
Me: I think it's cool that you released a limited edition CD of 500 copies. Where can I get one that's autographed? Ha. Whose idea was to release the limited edition CD? I think it's a good promotional tool.
Greg: Friend of ours is helping with promotion. He full of ideas like that.
Me: Greg, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Thanks again, and please come back soon. Take care.
Greg: Hey, thanks for man. Hopefully we can play a show near you soon. Cheers.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile, kids. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Greg Preston. The Phile will be back next Thursday with Maria from Swedish band Raymond & Maria. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker