Hey, kids, welcome to another entry of the Phile for a Sunday. It's October 23rd... something cool happened once on this day. Hmmmm. Moving on... I do have to say congratulations to the Cubs for clinching the pennant and heading to the World Series for the first time since 1908. Okay, let's start off with a story coming from Britain. Early Wednesday morning, the British Army sent out the following Tweet and guess what? People weren't too happy about thoughtless blackface imagery greeting them first thing in the morning.
Although the British Army didn't see the problem when they sent the message, Twitter did. Immediately. The photo was deleted within an hour. Camouflage paint does not equal blackface. But the message about having a "sense of humour," paired with the image, certainly didn't give the organization any benefit of the doubt. It's still unclear what "humour" the army did see in the photo, but as always, it's important to leave comedy to the professionals when you're dealing with a sensitive topic. As we all know, comedians are immune to this type of misstep (they're not).
Giant Meteor, come save us all. No matter who ends up in the White House next year, people are going to be very disappointed. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the most unpopular presidential nominees in living memory, and many Americans are decrying the lack of a viable third-party candidate. Gary Johnson can barely remember his own name, Jill Stein panders to conspiracy theorists, and Harambe, sadly, is dead. Luckily, there's still a dark horse in the mix: Giant Meteor. In 2016, support for the extinction of all human life has never been higher, and voters agree that a huge hunk of space debris is just the inanimate object to get the job done. With incredible buzz generated by t-shirts, bumper stickers, and now an inspiring campaign ad, Giant Meteor really may have a shot in November.
This could be the end of the two-party system... and everything else... as we know it.
Today a parade of (vengeful? empowered? amazing?) women in yoga pants will march past the house of one outspoken Rhode Island man. This is the risk you take, angry men everywhere, when you write a letter to the editor called, "Please, women, put away the yoga pants." "[O]n mature, adult women, there is something bizarre and disturbing about the appearance they make in public," reads one choice quote from Alan Sorrentio's outrageous screed against pants. Sorrentino, who also takes shots at mini-skirts (my man, chill), waxes indignant on "the spector of someone coping poorly with their weight or advancing age" who nonetheless wears whatever she goddamn wants. Sorrentino also calls the pants, as a rule, "stinky." Are you baffled yet? One reader responded, "I'm disappointed, saddened, and mostly scared that I live in a town where we allow a man to publicly body shame women." A response to the borderline unreadable letter came in the form of a Facebook event called "Yoga Pants Parade," with the simple description: "From Hampden Meadows, down past our friend Alan's house on Knapton St. Let's take a leisurely walk down Knapton Street wearing our most comfortable pair of yoga pants!" So far, 210 have said they will attend. Sorrentino will likely write a letter about it.
After tentatively acknowledging his Nobel Prize in Literature, any mention of the honor on Bob Dylan's website has now been removed. While it's impossible to know if Dylan had any say in this decision, it's left many baffled fans asking the same question they asked when Dylan released his 2009 album "Christmas in the Heart." Bob. Why. Dylan was the subject of many a baffled news report after the Nobel Prize committee found it impossible to get in touch with the 75-year-old music icon after awarding him the prestigious honor. "I have called and sent emails to his closest collaborator and received very friendly replies," said Sara Danius, the secretary of The Swedish Academy, which presents the award. "For now, that is certainly enough." She went on to say, "If he doesn't want to come [to the award ceremony in December], he won't come." Maybe Dylan really wanted the Nobel Prize in Physics (for 50 years of his hair defying gravity), because there has to be some reason he seems to resent this one so very much.
Your favorite overdone Halloween costume just became the latest victim of America's creepy clown epidemic. A Target spokesman gave the following statement over the weekend, "Given the current environment, we have made the decision to remove a variety of clown masks from our assortment, both in stores and online." The summer of clown horror began with reports of clown sightings in Greenville, South Carolina in August. In that horrifying case, a child said he saw clowns behind his apartment complex "whispering and making strange noises." Since then, the "current environment" has been a rash of clown sightings across the nation. Clown-related Instagram and other social media threats have resulted in general alarm and several arrests. At James Madison University "clown calls started pouring in," causing students to travel in packs and prepare to defend themselves with pepper spray. In North Carolina, a 20-year-old was arrested for terrifying people with a clown mask and a hatchet .Then there was the "clown lives matter" walk that sought to respond to the epidemic and "show [that] clowns are not psycho killers." It was canceled amid death threats to the march's organizer. So can you really blame Target? Even Ronald McDonald is laying low until the clown-fear diminishes.
Speaking of Halloween costumes and Halloween, it's a week away and there's some Halloween costumes I am tired of seeing already. Like Johnny Depp and Amber Heard (couple's costume).
Come on, guys. As I said before the graphics department at CNN have been trolling Donald Trump. Check it out...
This Halloween you will not just be seeing jack-o-lanterns, but you also will be seeing Trumpkins. What is a Trumpkin you ask?
That is. Hey, did you see Hillary's impression of Monica Lewinsky?
Hahahaha. That joke never gets old. Trump has a pretty good stupid human trick as well...
He looks so mean doing that. So, I mentioned the clown epidemic a few minutes ago. Well, there's now a clown hunting permit.
Hey, did you see the new men's cologne that just came out?
Hahahaha. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...
Top Phive Signs That The Election Is Rigged
5. Hillary will appear on the ballot without "Crooked" printed in front of her name.
4. Trump is losing, even though he's repeatedly stated that he's the best, greatest, smartest person for the job.
3. Whenever a video surfaces of Trump bragging of sexual assault, the media acts like it's a big deal.
2. Hillary hasn't yet been tossed in jail, despite Trump's legally sound, brilliantly argued pleas.
And the number one sign that the election is rigged...
1. WikiLeaks just published Hillary's drapery order for the Oval Office.
April 23rd, 1956 — October 21st, 2016
That's not upright.
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, it's Sunday and time to talk football with my good friend Jeff. Speaking of football, the Giants are playing the Rams in London right this very moment. Let me check the score real quick... 3 to 10, Giants are losing. Ugh. Anyway, it's now time for...
Me: Hey, Jeff, what's up? Welcome back.
Jeff: Hey, Jason, not much. Same old same old. Glad to be back.
Me: So, your Steelers lost and the Giants won this past week. Yes! I had to get that outta the way. Haha.
Jeff: Yup. Your team won. My team lost. However my team still has a better record than yours over the season. Yes! I had to get THAT outta the way. (Two can play this game!)
Me: Touché. And the Giants are losing right this minute. So, what's the latest NFL news, Jeff?
Jeff: Biggest news is the Steelers lost Big Ben due to injury last week. What's worse is next week we play New England where clearly we will need all hands on deck. The Cowboys continue to win with a rookie quarterback. The nation seems at odds if Tony Romo should get his starting job back when he's healthy or if it should Dax's team from now on.
Me: So, I have a question for you... do you know why the 49ers are called the 49ers? Because they can't get past the 50 yard line. Haha.
Jeff: Well, if that was the case then they would be the 35er's because they don't even get close to midfield, no matter who their quarterback is!
Me: The Eagles are doing so bad the Giants kicking net got a ring before the Eagles did. Funny, right?
Jeff: That joke would be fine if your team wasn't actually in last place in your division right now. Would that be the same kicking net that Prima Donna wide receiver Beckham attacked one week and then kissed the next week?
Me: Ummm... yeah.
Jeff: When you're a star wide receiver you can grab kicking nets anywhere you want to. They let you do anything!
Me: Alright, in all seriousness, how did we do last week?
Jeff: I went 1-1 with a Steelers lose. You went 0-2 with a Giants win. So with that win, I pulled one point ahead!
Me: Motherfucker! Ugh! Okay, let's do this weeks picks... I say Lions by 2 and Jags by 1. What do you say?
Jeff: I'm going with Bungals... I mean Bengals by 3 and Colts by 5.
Me: Alright, Jeff, I'll see you here next Sunday. Have a good week.
Jeff: See you next week!
He gives zero fucks. This should almost be a Mindphuck. Hahaha.
Today's pheatured guest is the lead singer for the band Emil & Friends whose album "Lo & Behold" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Emil.
Me: Hello, Emil, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Emil: Doing alright. Traveling a lot recently.
Me: So, sir, explain this... on Wikipedia actor Emile Hirsch says Emil & Friends is his new band... and I thought, wow, I am gonna get Emile Hirsch on the Phile and ask him why he changed the spelling of his name, and then I found out, no, I am gonna be interviewing Emil Hewitt. Emil, how did this whole thing start? Is Emile a fan of yours? Have you met him?
Emil: Never met the man. My friend and I sent out a fake press release to put out my EP in 2009, claiming to be Emile Hirsch’s side project composed while on the set of Speed Racer. I thought this approach as a way to get passed the fact that bloggers get hundreds of emails a day of new music... music that could be great or complete shit. What would make them wanna open your email? Deep down, we are all whores for celebrities. Everyone sort of proved my point. After getting a shit ton of good reviews, most postings didn’t mind the reality that I was not a famous actor. One blog in France got pissssssed... they did this whole “you’ll never work in this town again” thing. Funny thing was, they gave it an incredible glowing review. Guess they felt stupid. And yes, someone put me on his Wikipedia page it seems. Wasn’t me. Maybe it was him, trying to get laid? As per meeting Mr. Hirsch, I am planning on introducing myself as soon as possible. I figure hey, I am at these parties where Mary Kate Olsen sits on the couch next to me so it’ll happen sooner or later. They all hang out in the same place right? But I actually think he is a very talented fellow. Loved him in Milk.
Me: Here's a picture of Emile in case anyone was wondering who he was...
Me: I would of used this whole thing to get your music heard. Did you do that?
Emil: As I was just getting at, yes. The whole idea was getting your music to people. Playing live has only been a recent development for me, so before that it was all about how to play the Internet to your advantage as your only true source of promotion. If you have music that you are confident people would enjoy, I would suggest a promo stunt like this. Be nice. You have to have what it takes to be an artist underneath however, as my record deals would not have been a reality had I not had something to say beyond the EP used in the whole stunt. I had lots of unreleased music ready to play people. What is great is now I have this foundation built with great organizations and labels based on this whole ordeal, but they see me and promote me as a quality artist, so I don’t feel like a fraud!
Me: Well done! Okay, now we know who you are, who are the Friends you talk of? How many friends are in the band?
Emil: I play with a few folks live, most recently 3 others. Dan DeLara, Steve Brickman, and Alexander Russek. Dan recently toured with Jamaica, and Alex made his start in music as the drummer for Jesse McCartney. He must have gotten some boy-band level ass while on the road.
Me: What made you call your "band" Emil and Friends?
Emil: It was to make the whole PR Emile Hirsch thing work kind of. Except my name has no 'e' at the end. That was to make it work on its own, I guess. Never been fond of the name, I giggle about it sometimes. But then again I giggle about everything. Just a name.
Me: Okay, let's talk about your music. I listened to the album "Lo & Behold" and liked it. This is your first full length, right?
Me: You had an EP out before, right? That was under the name Emile? So, you dropped the 'e'. How does this full length compare to the EP?
Emil: No, that was EMIL and FRIENDS as well. Don’t know where the Emile thing came from.
Me: You describe your music as weird pop... which is funny, that's what my son calls me. Haha. So, your music is a little different, I have to ask who are your inspirations? Who did you grow up listening to?
Emil: I grew up listening to stolen hip-hop tapes from my brother, stolen world music, folk and pop vinyls from my mother, and 60s tunes from my extended family.
Me: You are based in New York City right now, but you're not originally from there, are you? Where are you originally from?
Me: What made you decide to move to NYC?
Emil: My current American label coaxed me into it with promises of candy.
Me: Hey, did you know there's a music ministry called Emil and Friends?
Me: Emil, did you write all the songs on "Lo & Behold"? Does songwriting come easy for you?
Emil: Yes, and yes. I write a lot. Very frequently. I rule.
Me: I read you were a DJ as well, but played guitar instead of records, is that true?
Emil: I did a lot of weird shit when I was younger. Playing guitar while disc jocking country records with a breakbeat underneath happened at my school’s junior prom. They stood there wide eyed. Then I dropped Jay-Z and they were happy. Then I dropped Simon and Garfunkel for Mr. Whitten who taught American history.
Me: Hey, what's this picture I found of you dressed as Captain Marvel? LOL.
Me: If you were a super hero, what would you name yourself? Shit. I didn't want to bring up the name thing again.
Emil: I have very frequent lucid dreams that I am Superman. Sometimes the dream has barely anything to do with Superman, but in the dream I am sifting through my laundry and I find my costume. Sometimes I have to save an entire city. Oh, back to the question. I'd prefer a nameless superhero. That pic was from the video "Short Order Cooks."
Me: Ahhh. Emil, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Wanna mention your website and anything else? Hope to to see you in Orlando soon.
Emil: No problem. Check out emilandfriends.fm, cantorarecords.com for release info, and purchase multiple copies of our album. I was in Orlando. I had Mickey Mouse pancakes. I had a staring contest with Tigger. He lost. Thanks bye.
Me: Thanks, Emil. Take care.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Emil. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Shook Twins. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Go Giants!
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker