Sunday, September 25, 2016

Pheaturing Geoff Vidal

Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. How are you? Let's start off with a story about a woman discovering surgeons accidentally attaching her colon to her vagina and reacting how you'd expect. Jasminka Velkovska was undergoing surgery three-years-ago in Skopje, Macedonia when, in an effort to remove cancer from her colon, they reattached it to her vagina. How does a doctor let that happen? Did they think they were performing surgery on a chicken? "While I was recovering, doctors came and asked me if I was passing gas, and I said yes, but it’s coming out of my vagina. They told me that it would soon pass and I would be okay, but stuff had started to come out of my vagina and I was feeling scared and it was all very unpleasant." She complained that she was farting out of her vagina and they told her it would pass? That pun better not have been intentional. Doctors eventually agreed to perform an x-ray and yep, her colon was connected to her vag. Plus, they still hadn't removed the carcinoma. How does a doctor even deliver that kind of news? I'm sorry, you still have cancer, and we randomly connected your tubes like a habitrail. Here's a bunch of cranberry pills. To add insult to vaganus, the hospital only agreed to compensate her for about $33,500, and then reportedly "refused to pay the entire total." According to the "Daily Mail," she will sue the hospital if she doesn't get the entire total. Unbelievable. If a mistake like that happened in the U.S., that woman would be a millionaire.
Scientists are saying that the shower pouf you clean yourself with is the grossest thing in your bathroom... and the bathroom is the room you poop in! According to a study published in the
"Journal of Clinical Microbiology," those harmless-seeming mesh sponges are host to a wide range of bacterial species, and because they are usually stored in warm, moist environments, the bacteria spread rapidly and almost immediately. Bacteria and skin cells then get trapped in the folds of the netting, and are spread all over your skin every time you use one in the shower. According to J. Matthew Knight, a dermatologist at the Knight Dermatology Institute, mold and yeast also are susceptible to growing in the pouf. Think about that the next time you rub one all over your junk to "clean" yourself. Not only are shower poufs just disgusting germ factories disguised as something that will make you clean, they also could be dangerous. If you rub a particularly nasty shower pouf over freshly shaved skin, there is a chance that bacteria can enter tiny nicks and cause infection. It is estimated that 98% of Dermatologists suggest avoiding shower poufs and loofahs altogether. If you are some kind of madman and still want to use the shower pouf despite all the facts saying that is essentially dirtier than your toilet bowl, you should remove it from the bathroom after use and store it in a dry area. Dermatologists also recommend replacing the pouf every 2-3 weeks. I ONCE LITERALLY USED THE SAME SHOWER POUF FOR OVER A YEAR.
As time goes on, it's clear texting isn't a way to communicate, but rather a modern way to ignore people more efficiently... especially with "mooning." You probably know about "ghosting," suddenly cutting off all contact to avoid a breakup conversation (or any conversation ever again). But what about people you just want to talk to less? "Mooning" is the rude but totally logical practice of silencing someone because they're annoying and/or unimportant. It could have already happened to you, and you'd have no idea. Put simply, a mooner is muting you. (Older iPhones had a little moon symbol that came on when you muted someone, hence the term.) You can still text them, but it won't show them a notification, or make a noise, or light up. Basically, you've been relegated to a human spam folder, but unlike when you're blocked, it won't tell you. As EJ Dickson explores in "GQ," there are myriad reasons to moon your friends, family, co-workers, exes, or significant others you've been fighting with. One guy even got mooned by his mom. But as the article also covers (though it should be self-apparent), finding out you've been mooned is heartbreaking. First you may notice your texts are never marked "read," and then you may be given a series of excuses about how that person was just exhausted or busy. Eventually, you realize you're just a "pest." Sure, that person didn't do direct harm to you, but feelings were hurt, and you'll probably never really trust them again. So, before you decide to simply moon everyone who wants your attention, remember the risks. As Shakespeare wrote, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we disable notifications on messages we receive."
Scientists have conducted a study on how long it takes for men to reach orgasm, and no matter how long you think it's going to be, it ain't long. After tracking sexual experiences, sexperts Masters and Johnson have determined it takes just two to three minutes for a man to reach orgasm on average. That number holds true both for masturbation and for the amount of time a guy can hold on once he has entered a vagina. That's way less time than most people are bragging about. Something to think about the next time you're spending more than ten minutes trying to get a guy to finish. By comparison, they found that it takes 10-20 minutes woman to "get there," including foreplay. Is this proof that God hates women? Not when you only look at orgasm times for masturbation. It turns out the average time it takes for a woman to make herself orgasm is only four minutes... that's just one to two minutes longer than the average man. If women can climax quickly when they are taking care of themselves, there's gotta be a better way to get them there during intercourse, right?
Hey, did you hear Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt? Sources are saying that Brad Pitt was just as blindsided by the Brangelina split as you were. The "Bra" of Brangelina (or more like the "Br") found out that Gelina was filing for divorce just a day before everybody else did. "Us Weekly" reports that "Pitt only found out about the divorce decision" on Monday which, if true, is the same day she went and filed papers on September 19th. There are many theories floating around as to why the couple split, and in the Game of Thrones off-season, it's providing the internet with a feverish activity.All of the theories somehow involve Brad being bad, and between that and the timing, it seems like Jolie had her PR strategy ready, Katie Holmes-style. George Clooney was totally caught off guard when a reporter from CNN asked him how he felt about the Brangelina divorce while he was attending the UN General Assembly on Tuesday. Also, what the fuck was a CNN reporter doing asking George Clooney about the Brangelina divorce at the U.N. General Assembly? Right after stepping out of a roundtable meeting with his wife Amal and President Obama about the Syrian refugee crisis, Clooney was hit with the news. Even though he was visibly shocked, he pulled it together pretty quickly and handled the surprising news like a pro. Clooney and Brad Pitt have been friends for years, ever since they met on the set of Ocean's Eleven back in 2001. According to "Cosmopolitan," Brad Pitt found out that Angelina was filing for divorce on the same day the news broke, so that could be why Pitt didn't give his friend of 15 years the heads up.
Speaking of CNN, the graphic arts department have been trolling Donald Trump quite a bit recently. Take a look...

It's back to school season and this month I have been showing you some awkward first day of school photos. Here's the last one I have to show you...

Feelin' it! Halloween is just around the corner and there's just some Halloween costumes I'm already tired of seeing one month in advance. Like Harley Quinn for instance.

Clearly, this is not a terrible costume like Harambe or Zika, it's just too overdone. It's only September, and it's already overdone. So, I just had my hair all shaved off and I this was used to do it...

Hahaha. That's not true. My hair is all shaved off but that's not what did it. Did you see Hillary Clinton's impersonation of Monica Lewinsky recently?

Hahahaha. Speaking of Ms. Clinton, did you see her new slogan?

Over in the U.K. they have yet another new Prime Minister...

I might have to move back to the U.K. now. Recently Apple released the iPhone7 which would dispense with the headphone jack in favor of (included) wireless earbuds called Air Pods. Old-fashioned wired headsets will still work, but only with a special adapter. If you're one of the many people who were shocked and dismayed by this news, you may have a short memory. This is hardly the first time Apple has blindsided fans with disappointing product announcements. So, once again, here's the pheature called...

The worst graphic ever. Anyway...
The 12-inch MacBook (2015)

It even came in gold, just to hammer home how fragile and overpriced it was. At first, the hype for this ultra-thin luxury laptop was blistering. But sales quickly petered out as consumers realized that it was a flimsy, underpowered alternative to the already-thin MacBook Air. As you might have suspected, the true disappointment was cable-related. A mere three years after introducing Lightning as the end-all, be-all of connectors, Apple announced that Lighting wasn't good enough for this notebook. Instead, in order to conserve space, the 12-inch would have a single port that handled all charging and accessory needs, like some sort of electronic cloaca. And that port would not be Lightning... it would be something new and confusing called USB-C. To connect your iPhone, you'd need another damn dongle. So many dongles.

If you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, it's Sunday, and you know what I like to do on Sunday's. It's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.

Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome back. So, how are you?

Jeff: Always to be good back on the Phile. I'm alive and functioning. I guess I can't ask for more than that. How about you?

Me: I'm doing... never mind. You don't wanna know. Alright, what was the NFL news this week? 

Jeff: The biggest news is injuries. There are two major injuries to speak of in week 2. First we have Minnesota Vikings runningback Adrian Peterson. As if losing their starting quarterback for the season, now their greatest offensive weapon for at least a few weeks. Meanwhile the New England Patriots, already without Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, lost their second string quarterback Jimmy Garopalo. They will now be starting a third string rookie quarterback for the next two weeks until Tom Brady comes of his suspension. All this must be deflating to the team.

Me: I heard a bloody rumour... that Peyton Manning might be coming out of retirement and joining the Patriots? Did you hear this? Where did the story come from?

Jeff: I have heard the rumor, but I don't think it's the case. Brady would come back in two weeks. What would be the point of Peyton coming out of retirement for two weeks? I think the story came out of wishful thinking than anything else. 

Me: So. How did we do last week? The Giants won again.

Jeff: We both went 1-1 last week with BOTH our teams picking up wins, not just the Giants. So ha! As it stands you remain 3 points ahead of me with a 6-3 margin.

Me: Yes! I am winning! Let's do this weeks picks. I say Ravens by 1 and Broncos by 2. What do you say?

Jeff: My picks for next week are Arizona by 3 points and San Diego wins by 5.

Me: Alright, see you here next weekend. Good luck.

Jeff: See you next week!

Me: And now, kids, from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Reasons Why Angelina Jolie Is Divorcing Brad Pitt
5. During sex, he kept screaming out his own name.
4. He was resistant to her plan to adopt every orphan in the eastern hemisphere.
3. He smoked too much weed and drank too much alcohol. And there was the whole "micropenis" thing.
2. They clashed on how to parent Maddox, Shiloh, Trixie, Peaches, Luigi, Ban-Ki Moon Jr., Spanky and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (the baby).
And the number one reason Angelina is divorcing Brad is...
1. Two words: Paul Giamatti.

My son and I were recently talking about when we used to watch "Sesame Street" when he was little. That show is not exactly the same I remember it from back then. Take a look...

Grover and his new friends take enjoyment in shooting their loads into the retirement center's soup of the day.

Today's guest is a jazz saxophonist whose CD "She Likes That" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Geoff Vidal.

Me: Hello, Geoff, welcome to he Phile. How are you?

Geoff: Thanks for having me, I'm doing very well and feeling good.

Me: I had a few jazz artists on the Phile, and you seem one of her youngest. Not as young as Claire Dickson, but young. How old are you, Geoff?

Geoff: I am 36 years old.

Me: Oh, not as young as I thought. How long have you been playing sax?

Geoff: I've been playing saxophone for about 25 years, and professionally for 20 years.

Me: I tried sax in school but hated it. Was that the first instrument you picked up?

Geoff: Alto saxophone was my first instrument in 4th grade, and by 6th grade I was playing tenor.

Me: Why did you choose saxophone as your instrument? Were you a Sonny Rollins fan?

Geoff: My mother steered me towards the saxophone because my grandfather played. Stan Getz was the first voice on the instrument that I heard.

Me: You were in your first band at 15, right? Was that the Stage Door Cantina, or was that where you played? Where was that?

Geoff: Yes, I was 15 years old when I was asked to join Stage Door Canteen, a Cape Cod big band. We played all over Cape Cod and Boston playing many weddings and dances. It was here where I absorbed a basis for jazz improvisation and learned the importance of making your musical point in one chorus or sometimes 8 bars.

Me: You're from New Orleans, am I right? And you left after Katrina hit?

Geoff: I'm originally from Cape Cod, MA but I lived in New Orleans for about three years right up until the storm hit. I was touring the country with a great New Orleans funk band the Brotherhood of Groove and we were on tour in Montana when the storm hit.

Me: Did you get a lot of damage?

Geoff: It was hard for us to be sure just what the damage was due to the media coverage, but when we were finally able to return to the city, but the neighborhood where myself and the drummer lived in had 10 feet of water and the first floor of our house was completely ruined. There was so much wide-spread devastation that it made the most sense for me to return back to Massachusetts and I quickly reconnected with my old contacts and began playing a lot more jazz again and eventually moved to New York in January 2006.

Me: Where do you live now. Geoff?

Geoff: I currently live in Park Slope, Brooklyn. I've been living in Brooklyn for the past eight years and it has been such a welcome change of pace from the craziness of the city, but I can get into the craziness very quickly. There is a huge community of musicians out here and the energy is exactly what I have been looking for.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your music. I listened to your CD "She Likes That" and liked it. I have to ask, she likes what?

Geoff: Well, it's an interesting question with hopefully an interesting answer! The title track off the record was given that title when an ex-girlfriend, whom really resented my music poked her head in while I was practicing a particular pattern (which ended up becoming the basis of the riff for the track) and said "I like that" or "that sounds nice." Something like that. So the title came from a sarcastic place, and I was feeling "wow, this is actually something she DOES like!" Fast-forward a few years and I had just met my current girlfriend, who gets me for who I am and gets my music for what it is. "She Likes That" is an affirmation for myself where I finally found someone you truly does like what I do!

Me: I know how you feel about someone you care about not liking what you do. Did you write the music on it, Geoff? How did you choose the song titles such as "O-Zoning" and "Lanusa"? I have no idea what those two words mean, let alone write a song about them.

Geoff: I wrote four of the compositions on the record ("Darjeeling," "O-Zoning," "Time Apart" and "She Likes That") and my guitar player Joe Hundertmark wrote the rest ("Different Planes," "Freediver" and "Lanusa"). Again, "O-Zoning" came from that same sarcastic place that "She Likes That" came from. After a particularly long-winded global warming rant by the same ex mentioned earlier, I dedicated that song to that. "Lanusa" was written for Joe's ex. Sometimes there is special meaning behind the title of a song, but sometimes it just comes from what's going on in our lives at that moment of composing the song.

Me: Do you have your own band that played on the album with you?

Geoff: This band rarely plays together that much. Makaya McCraven lives in Chicago, Joe Hundertmark just took the gig in the new Cirque du Soleil show and the other cats are just super busy. I've tried to play this material in other groups but it just doesn't have the same flow, so I'm just patient and will wait for the stars to align in such a way that the GV5 can get together and play some music again. I'm really excited about a new group that I'm calling the VOM Trio with myself, Linda Oh on bass and Makaya McCraven on drums. We've got a nice little run coming up at the end of September early October that I'm really looking forward to. I'm looking forward to applying some new compositional techniques in the trio format, where there is just so much freedom.

Me: Did you have fun recording your own album, and are you gonna do another one?

Geoff: The recording was a great experience for a couple reasons. Firstly, the opportunity granted to me by the Arts and Music Factory to produce my first album as a leader was incredible and one that I am extremely grateful for. Second, it was a perfect time to record this material. At the time of recording, the band had actually been playing a good amount around the city and we were just ready to document the group's progression. Third, the way we recorded was pretty unusual. I had no eye contact with my band. The horns were at the other end of the studio with zero eye contact, so the music that we recorded was truly playing by instinct and the trust that we each have with each other comes thru on the recording. I am hoping to record many more albums, and hopefully there are some other labels that would become interested in recording my next album based on the work of SLT.

Me: Geoff, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Can you come back again when your next CD comes out?

Geoff: I would love to come back!

Me: Good. Take care, and all the best. By the way, wanna plug your website?

Geoff: Oh yes, Thanks so much, Jason.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and Geoff Vidal. The Phile will be back next Sunday with singer Greg Preston from Greg Preston & The Machine, a really cool Canadian band. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Go Giants!

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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