Monday, June 20, 2016

Pheaturing Phile Alum Jeff Trelewicz

It's summer! Hey there, kids welcome to the Phile for a Monday and the first day of summer. How are you? It's time for teachers to enjoy some hard-earned relaxation at their summer jobs. I want an Indian Summer in the least racist way possible. An epic standoff took place last Saturday in Redford Township, Michican, and neither party had the fortitude to end it. On one side stood armed police and the Livonia special response team, ready to confront a man they believed had barricaded himself inside his home. On the other side stood a house, completely empty and lacking any sentient capacity. But the cops didn't know that. Despite the latter's clear advantage of being inanimate, police engaged in this ridiculous battle of wills for a full eleven hours. "Click On Detroit" reports that the authorities blocked off several nearby streets to prevent locals from becoming sucked into the fray. If anyone had the credentials to go up against a completely uninhabited house, it would be the professionals. The man police were looking for had gotten into a domestic dispute with his wife of only six weeks, who had apparently just asked for a divorce. Police learned the argument got out of control and the couple went through a plate glass door. Police did not learn, however, that the husband had already left the house before they arrived. So outside they stood, sending in canister after canister of tear gas. The house, of course, remained unresponsive, because it has no tear ducts or brain. This went on for eleven hours before police entered the home to find that no one was there. Call it a wrap, boys. This house isn't gonna fold.
Finding Nemo debuted back in 2003, and while Finding Dory catches up with Dory and introduces some new, lovable fish, it's time to find out what happened to your favorite characters from the original. Bruce, everyone's favorite vegetarian shark lived the rest of his long, wondrous life as a dipping device for tartar sauce. Bubbles lived his dream to the fullest, finally finding his way onto the kid's menu at a Crab Shack. Beloved for his bulging, outsized eyes and even more outsized personality, Bloat was eaten at a county fair. Although technically a reptile and not a fish, Crush still managed to dress up in bread crumbs and get served on a cruise ship. The delightfully jolly Mr. Ray spent his days traveling, making it all the way to Oklahoma City as an after school snack. After starring in such a massive hit, Nemo's father, Marlin, left Dory behind for the more fulfilling company of a deep fryer.
Spotify has announced that it's pairing with dating app Bumble so that your favorite musical artists can feed directly into your Bumble profile for all to see. This might seem like a good idea, until you remember that your self-reported favorite artists and what Spotify defines as your favorite artists are two very different things. So basically, if you hate-play Kendra Wilkinson's "Lost in Space" enough times for your friends that she becomes one of your "favorite artists," the app will let every eligible (and ineligible) match on the app know. The good news is that the link isn't automatic. You have to set up the connection between Spotify and Bumble... this isn't a U2 album, after all. And duh, seeing a potential match's musical interests can be really helpful. Although, as Spotify's press release basically notes, the feature can also help psychopaths trying to weasel their way into your heart. "If you’re eager to learn more about the artist displayed (and get some bonus talking points for your potential connection), you can click on the artist which will take you to the artist page on Spotify." See? You don't have to like the same music as someone; you can just listen to everything before the date so you can pretend to like it. Apps sure are making dating more authentic!
A waiter at a Thai restaurant in Edgewater, Colorado got a $1,088 tip and didn't start dancing and quit the job immediately. That's remarkable. And also really fortunate, because the customer was so drunk he had over-tipped by about $1,048. He came back the next day like an embarrassed repo man. "I think this is a big thing," said Bee Ananthatho at the time, the restaurant's now-heartbroken owner. Although she did make it into the "Denver Post" and national media, the "big thing" was reneged when the customer returned the following morning, presumably with a hangover pounding in his head to the steady drumbeat of shame. Ananthatho describes the waiter's reaction to the tip, "He said he'd read a lot of stories like this, but usually the tip is a couple hundred dollars, not $1,000. He was so happy." But the restaurant business is rarely happy, so the owner suspected something wasn't right. She held on to the money in case the customer came back, which he did, with tail between his legs. Sounding like anyone would in this situation, the mea culpa was apparently a simple, "I'm sorry, I was drunk." In the end, he left a $40 tip on a $60 meal. The man is now presumably claiming he'll never drink again, and the restaurant expects to see him back... Singha in hand... within the week.
Pablo Reyes isn't famous; he's just a guy who can predict the future. Reyes posted a Facebook status predicting the death of Harambe (the silverback gorilla who was killed by zoo staff when a little boy fell into his enclosure in May) and the subsequent public outrage, as well as the death of Muhammad Ali, and even the Orlando nightclub shooting. Sure, all that stuff has already (sadly) happened, but his post is dated December 26th, 2015. The prescient status has been shared almost 190,000 times, because predicting the future is a really impressive feat! The comments on his post showed just how impressed/freaked out people were with his clairvoyance. Except... Reyes didn't predict the future. Come on now, people. All Reyes did was write a post and then change the date on it, using the little clock icon. Once the status is ready to be published, Facebook will even ask you if you want to notify people about it. And of course you do, because you've just predicted the future. In the immortal word of Keanu Reeves, "Whoa." According to BuzzFeed, there's another way to do it: just edit an old status update. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Now YOU can predict the future, too. BuzzFeed News asked Reyes, who used to work at the fake news website Huzlers, if viral hoaxes like this make him feel like he's duping people, and the answer is a resounding no. He told them, "I feel like people... I don’t want to call people dumb... but I think it’s up to the people to kind of make the decisions about what they hear and what they’re being told... It’s hard for me to explain to you how I feel about the situation, but I think I blame people. I kind of feel like people are to blame." People are gullible, and they do tend to believe whatever they see in print. Especially if it's what they want to believe. So, do you have that feeling that I didn't prep very much for this entry? If so, you're right.
Well, summer is here and I think I mention this every year one of my favorite things about summer is one of the greatest inventions known to man... the bikini. I have shown you bikini pics in the past, but this year I'm gonna do something different, I'm gonna show you bikini pics with something horrifyingly unsexy in the background. Yup. Like this one...

Call your doctor if your erection last more than 4 hours. I love pizza, but was surprised when I saw this the other day...

Pizza American style? What? Hey, being from England I always loved the Queen... but with her new fashion sense I love her even more.

Did you see those new KFC ads? I think they got the idea from a movie...

I never ever saw that movie though. Do you know The Goofy Movie? I never seen the movie but I think I wanna see it now after I saw this screen shot...

Ha! Okay, now from the home office in Port Jefferson, here is another...

Top Phive Signs That Summer Has Arrived
5. Hillary breaks out her collection of seersucker pantsuits.
4. ISIS provides free "Lemon ISIS" to its latest recruits.
3. Many states waive their 10-day waiting period for high-capacity water pistols.
2. Dogs would rather lick ice cubes than their own balls.
And the number one sign summer has arrived is...
1. Gary takes his first whizz of the year on his neighbor's swimming pool.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. So, my son is visiting this week and we were talking how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together. That show is definitely not the show I remember. So, once again, here is...

"Hey, Jeremy, I'm Big Bird, but you can call me Big D. If anyone asks why, just say I'm like a father to you. And Jeremy, if you tell anyone, anyone at all, about where I touched you, I swear to God I'm gonna break your fuckin' neck."

Ummm, excuse me, but the definition is over here.

Anton Yelchin
March 11th, 1989 — June 19th, 2016
He was killed by his own car when it pinned him against a brick mailbox. Ironically, the Star Trek character he played... Chekov... was the navigator.

Today's guest is the author of the "The Time Travelers's Journal," the 49th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. He is one of my best friends and a Phile Alum. Please welcome back to the Phile... Jeff Trelewicz.

Me: Jeff! Hey there, my friend! Welcome back to the Phile! It's been awhile! How have you been?

Jeff: Jason! So good to be back here on the Phile! I'm okay! How are you feeling? Any better?

Me: A lot better, yes, thanks for asking. Okay, before we talk about "The Time Traveler's Journal" we have to talk football. So, awhile ago we had the draft pick... what do you think? I like it how the Giants one of Miami's best players.

Jeff: The draft went as well as to be expected. A few surprises. A few players that got drafted too high. Some too low. It always makes for an interesting season to see how the rookies play. I'm definitely looking forward to the season!

Me: Any predictions for this years season?

Jeff: As far as predictions, I think it's safe to say that Denver will not repeat. Too much uncertainty in the QB position. And as we have seen you need a strong QB if you're going to win the Super Bowl!

Me: We are gonna do the picks again, right?

Jeff: Of course we're going to do the picks this season. Sadly, in the six years that we've done the picks, I will have lived in 3 different states. So much for stability.

Me: I am gonna get you to help come up with the title for Phootball Talk this year and again the graphic like you did last year. Deal?

Jeff: You know I will do the graphics for it. That won't be a problem. I will just bring in the graphics team of 67 Studios Production to do it. They work hard. Especially since I'm the graphics team of 67 Studios Production!

Me: Okay, your book is the 49th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club... the last book to be pheatured was "F#@k Skinny: How I Quit Dieting & Found My Health" by Laura Ingalls, who used to work with us at Innoventions in Epcot. Did you know she wore a book? Do you remember her?

Jeff: I did know that Laura wrote a book. Of course I remember. You know me. I tend to remember a lot of people. Bunch of creative people that have come through Innoventions over the year. A couple of authors. A guy in a band. Not bad at all.

Me: I know Jeremy Croston remembers her. Hahaha. You two are still working together on your podcast, right?

Jeff: Jeremy and I still do our weekly podcast. It's called Two Dudes, Brews & Books podcast. They go up every Thursday night. You can find them on both Itunes and Podomatic. Twenty-five minutes of shenanigans. We're still hoping to get you on one of these days if we could schedule it.

Me: Yeah, I still wanna do it. Speaking of your podcast, you and Jeremy did a great job talking about the shootings at Pulse in Orlando. You and he made good points. Is there anything you want to add as you called Orlando for so long?

Jeff: We're glad that you enjoyed the podcast, it was a hard one to do. what happened wasn't about gay rights, it was lack of respect for other humans. And that is inexcusable, if you ask me .

Me: Jeremy edited your book, am I right? Did he make a of changes?

Jeff: Yup, Jeremy does edit my books. He changes a few things here and there, mostly grammatical errors. I also tend to write short sentences, which he doesn't like. So he blends them together to make it more readable.

Me: Okay, let's talk about "The Time Traveler's Journal." This is my favorite book you have write as I love time travel stories. I didn't know you were really into the time travel genre, Jeff. Do you have a favorite time travel movie or TV show?

Jeff: To me the best time travel story is Back to The Future. I mean it really doesn't get much better than that, if you asked me. The entire trilogy actually.

Me: You don't watch "Doctor Who," right?

Jeff: No, I don't watch "Doctor Who." Though I've added it to my list on Netflix. I know too many Whovians, so it's something I guess I could look more into.

Me: If you had a time machine would you go into the future or past? And where would you go to?

Jeff: I would certainly go back into the past if I had a time machine. I know of a change or two I would make in my personal life. What about you? Where would you go?

Me: I would go in the future I think, about twenty years time. So, when did you get the idea for this book?

Jeff: I got the idea for the book around October of last year when I was finishing up "Paranormal Contact Vol. 2." Elements of the story just came to me. I wanted to do something different as I'd been doing the "Paranormal Contact" series back to back. I knew I wanted to step away from that series and do something different.

Me: How long did it take you to write?

Jeff: It took me about five months to write the book.

Me: I haven't written a story in a long time, and when I did one of my favorite things was coming up with character names. I like coming up with character names for the Phile. Anyway, how do you come up with character names?

Jeff: There's nothing wrong with that book title! It would definitely grab the reader's attention. The first character I named in the book was Catherine, because I was watching "Hawaii 5.0" and there's a character by that name. As far as other names, I try to visual the character's physical appearance and go from there.

Me: Alright, so, tell the readers what the book is about, Jeff.

Jeff: The book is really about how far a person would go to protect their family, but in a much different way than any other story I can think of. The main character of Shane has a huge skeleton in his closet. It's something that has haunted his family for decades. And he wants to do something about it, to protect his family's legacy. It's a big spoiler so I don't want to give away too much. Shane knows he can't do it alone, so he finds people to help them. He's not the most honest person, but his trust in people is low.

Me: So, will their be a sequel?

Jeff: I don't really have plans for a full sequel, but that might change in the future. I might do a short story instead to continue it. I'm not sure to be honest with you.

Me: I can see this book definitely being a play or a movie, can you?

Jeff: I would love it if this was a movie. It would be hard to do only because each chapter starts with a journal entry (hence the name "The Time Traveler's Journal") which gives hints to Shane's true motives.

Me: Are you working on a third "Paranormal Contact" book?

Jeff: As a matter of fact, yes my next book is the finale to the "Paranormal Contact" series. I'm aiming for an October release for that book.

Me: So, what is gonna be your next book?

Jeff: After "Paranormal Contact Vol. 3," I will work on a different book. I have started laying the ground work for the book. It won't be paranormal or science fiction at all, which I'm excited to step out of my element with.

Me: Jeff, at one time you were writing song lyrics which is something I got into for my "band" project Strawberry Blondes Forever. Have you written anymore lyrics?

Jeff: I haven't written any lyrics in the last few years. My focus has been on books, but I'm sure I have a song in me or two. Maybe your band could sing it!

Me: Alright, go plug where you can get your book, Jeff.

Jeff: You can find my books on Amazon through this link:

Me: And do you have a website you wanna mention?

Jeff: I also have a blog about my writing at The company that Jeremy and I started has a webpage too! Okay, I'm out of links.

Me: Thanks again for being here on the Phile as always. Footballs season is right around the corner. So, start thinking about that. Take care, and chat soon.

Jeff: Hang in there, Jason. See you for Phootball Talk.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jeff Trelewicz as always. The Phile will be back on Thursday with rapper Kristoff Krane. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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