Monday, June 20, 2016

Pheaturing Kristoff Krane

Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday, how are you? What's new? Well, it's time to add planes to the ever growing list of places a girl can't be unconscious. An Alaska Airlines flight had to be diverted Tuesday because a 16-year-old girl on the plane fell asleep, and then her unconscious body went ahead and let itself get kissed by a 23-year-old man. Come on, girl! Don't you know being unconscious is grounds for sexual assault in this country? FOX reports that the flight departed in Portland Oregon, and was headed for Anchorage Alaska when a the teen dared to fall asleep with a man sitting next to her. Like some airborne Prince Charming, the California man just assumed sleep means yes, and allegedly tried to kiss the teen, but the pilot was notified and landed the plane in Seattle where police were waiting to arrest him for 4th degree assault charges. Seattle-Tacoma International Airport spokesperson Brian DeRoy said, "the male was cooperative when arrested." He was probably just waiting for the police to fall asleep before making his move. The teen continued on her flight to Anchorage. There have been no reports on what the girl was wearing, or how many people she has previously kissed while asleep.
A man who claims to have been Omar Mateen's lover came forward to Univison on Tuesday to give more information behind Mateen's possible motivation for shooting up a gay nightclub in Orlando earlier this month. The man, disguised with prosthetics and using the fake name "Miguel," went on the record to say that he does not believe the shooting was an act of terrorism, but an act of revenge against Puerto Rican gays that may have slighted him. Miguel claims to have met Mateen on the gay dating app Grindr and pursued a two-month-long sexual relationship with him. Despite calling 911 and pledging his allegiance to Isiis, Miguel believes that Mateen's motivation behind the shooting was an act of revenge against Latino gay men, and not one with religious ties. "The thing that makes me want to tell the truth is that he didn’t do it for terrorism. In my opinion he did it for revenge" says Miguel, alleging that last year, Mateen had sex with an HIV positive man who did not disclose his status to him, and that might have set off the attack which took place during latin night at Pulse nightclub. Of course, anyone can slap on some bad special effects makeup and claim to know something. For that reason Univision reports that they could not verify Miguel’s story, but they were able to confirm that the FBI had interviewed him. The investigation is ongoing, and the FBI has neither confirmed or denied Miguel's story yet.
Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley's wife became suspicious he was having an affair in 2014 because he texted her a red rose emoji... a gesture she thought was so sweet that she assumed it was meant for someone else, "GQ" reported. The lesson here, if you're a scumbag heterosexual guy, is always make sure you're not being too romantic with your wife... she might think you're confusing her for your mistress. It turned out that Bentley's wife was right... he was having an affair with his much-younger staffer Rebekah Mason, a scandal that led to his current impeachment (both Bentley and Mason deny that their affair was ever "physical," despite phone recordings by his wife that capture Bentley longingly reminiscing about touching Mason's breasts). Bentley's wife was able to ignore the major red flags until he sent her another red rose emoji with the name "Rebekah" next to it. And that's when she [dancer in a red dress emoji]'d out of that marriage.
Here's another story that took place in Alabama... Alabama teenager Darby Risner found a Barney the Dinosaur costume in the basement of her church and thought it would fun to try on the oversized purple noggin, but quickly learned that the inside of Barney's head is a dark, scary place. Risner wanted to scare her friends by popping out of a stairwell wearing Barney's head, but being in God's house and all, the man upstairs decided to punish her right then and there for the cruel prank when the opening for the head slipped over her shoulders and trapped her inside. Looks like whoever that costume was made for had a really beefy neck. Ironically, the way the head fell made it so she had tiny little T-Rex arms. Hehe. Even though her friends greased her up with Vaseline and tried to pull her out, her "giant biceps" prevented her from getting loose. It was time to bring in the experts... the local fire department. Darby told that although the situation was funny, she really started to panic the longer the head stayed on, "The head was closing in on me. It was like a stuck-in-a-small-place-and-can’t-get-out-panicking." Finally, the fire department managed to cut her out of the head, and the 15-year-old was officially delivered via cesarean. The whole harrowing experience was about 45-minutes long, or about two episodes of "Barney and Friends." This picture made me laugh...

Note the hysterical man on the left.
Great news! Now, when a charming Girl Scout is at your door during that special cookie time of year, you can ignore her just like you ignore everyone else who comes a-knocking. That's because Pillsbury has just released a new line of Girl Scout cookie-flavored baking mixes that you can bake in your very own home, no child salesperson required.

Okay, so technically these mixes aren't for making Girl Scout cookies; they're for making other treats that have Girl Scout cookie-inspired flavors. Specifically, for Thin Mints and Samoas/Caramel deLites. So when your spouse asks you to make Thin Mint cupcakes for their birthday, you can now just buy a box mix instead of getting a recipe off of some insufferable food blog. Really, it's good news that you can't make the cookies yourself (well, unless you get a copycat recipe from the aforementioned insufferable food blog). After all, Girl Scout cookie sales are a funding source for an important organization. But, at the very least, the Pillsbury mixes can help when you've eaten through your entire Girl Scout cookie stash in one week and still need to get that sweet, sweet fix for the rest of the year.
Okay, so, Finding Dory is out, and I haven't seen it yet... it looks kinda scary.

Summer is here and Lay's has come out with three new flavor of potato chips... I am not exactly sure what they are thinking...

Which one would you try? Hey, have you heard the rumor about the "Doctor Who" movie? I did and didn't believe it until I saw this...

That's crazy! I love the Queen of England, and I even like her even more now that her fashion sense has changed. Last entry I showed you that she wore a Batman themed outfit. Check out another recent outfit she wore...

Hahaha. How ironic. So, one of the things I like to do in my spare time is to look u certain words on Twitter. One of those words I look up is "Foghat" and this is tweet I saw recently...

Hmmm. Okay, it's summer and one of my favorite things about summer is the gray invention... the bikini. This year I am showing you bikini with something unsexy in the background. Like this one...

How I met your mother... Hahaha. Okay, so, my son is in town and we were talking about how we used to watch "Sesame Street" together. That show is not the same as I remember it... that's why I have a pheature called...

Ernie and Bert watch the struggle of the four-year-old they pushed into the gorilla enclosure, whilst listening to the horrified screaming of his mother. 

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Hey, it's Thursday... you know what what that means...

Oh, man, I'm sooo sorry... I hope you're not eating. Okay, so, I love comedy, and I am sure you do as well... well, the other day I met this 100 year old comedian who wanted to come onto the Phile and tell a joke. The problem is, I understand him but I'm not sure you will. So, I will let him tell the joke and I will translate it. So, please welcome back to the Phile... 

Me: Hello, Alan, welcome back to the Phile, sir. How are you?

Alan: I'm good, young man.

Me: That's good. Alright, tell us a joke...

Alan: A certain lady, to excuse herself for a frailty she had lately fallen into, said to an intimate friend of hers, "Lord, how is it possible for a woman to keep her cabinet unpickt, when every fellow has got a key to it."

Me: That's a joke? Okay, here we go... A lady apologizes for having some sex, but says to her friend, "It's kind of hard to keep your vagina locked up when every man has a penis-key." Is that right?

Alan: Yes. Men are spectacular lock-picks.

Me: Haha. If you say so. Alan Raglafart the 100 Year Old Comedian, everybody. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Reasons Why Donald Trump Fired His Campaign Manager
5. It was the first thing on Donald's "Batshit Crazy Things to Do Today" List.
4. He was an insane, polarizing bully... and THAT job is taken, thank you very much!
3. Being cleared of assaulting a female reporter proved he was a loser who didn't have what it takes.
2. He suggested Trump switch from his neon-orange self-tanner to a more subdued apricot.
And the number one reason Trump fired his campaign manager is...
1. Satan became available. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a fictional group of humanoid turtles who successfully fight crime as a team despite their very different Myers-Briggs scores.

Before I tell you what the 50th to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is I have to say that when I first saw this picture above I thought it was a book store. Well, the other day my friend Rich (who was once on the Phile in an anniversary entry) told me it was a bakery. What?! I Mindphucked myself? That's crazy! No one one ever caught that. Good job, Rich. Okay, now for the 50th book to be phratured in the Phile's Book Club...

This book is solo good. Phile Alum and author Martin Belmont will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Today's guest is an alternative hip hop artist from Minneapolis, Minnesota. He was also a member of Face Candy, an improvisational jazz rap group from Minnesota formed by rapper Eyedea. His new single "Out of Line" is available on iTunes right now. Please welcome to the Phile... Kristoff Krane.

Me: Hello, Kristoff, welcome to the Phile. How are you, sir? 

Kristoff: I am better now than I've been in the last 8 years. I feel like I just got off an expensive roller coaster ride that was as frightening to the same degree as it was exciting. 

Me: I have to ask you about your name, Kristoff Krane, what is the origin of it? It sounds like a cool super villains name for something. A James Bond movie perhaps? 

Kristoff: No reference whatsoever. Micheal (Eyedea) called me one day when he was mixing the first Face Candy record and told me that I should come up with a "rap" name before we press up the record. He asked me what I thought would be good, I said I wasn't sure. He asked me if my family and friends ever called me anything other than my real name when I was a kid and I said Kristoff. Then he said, "how bout Kristoff Krane... that has a ring to it." And I said, "That sound good" God knows I wasn't about to not accept my new rap name given to me by my hero. 

Me: Kristoff, how long have you been performing and song writing? Is that something you wanted to do all your life? 

Kristoff: My first performance was senior year of high school at the talent show. Shouts out to: Patrick Adams, Dan Delambert and Jared Jones-Henry Sibley 02. I was privileged enough to have parents who signed me up for The Boys Metropolitan Choir when I was like 8 or something, but that was the only real musical path I took as a youth. I never thought that I'd grow up to be a rapper/musician, but I did always know that I would be doing something that made me feel like I was making a difference in the world (as an adult I realize that that's a hard picture to frame). 

Me: You were in the band Face Candy, but have been in a number of different bands as well as doing your own thing. What do you prefer? 

Kristoff: Yeah, I've definitely loaded my plate with an assortment of goods. I am a member of these bands: Abzorbr, Face Candy, Saturday Morning Soundtrack, Puppy Dogs and Ice Cream, Kristoff Krane and Prey For Paralysis (a new group that I formed with produced Graham O'Brien and Sadistik). They all provide me with different nutrients, but the two that have been most fulfilling (like whole grains) are Kristoff Krane and Face Candy. 

Me: I downloaded Face Candy's last release "Waste Age Teen Land" which I take it is a spin of The Who's "Teenage Wasteland." Are you a Who fan? 

Kristoff: I haven't listened to enough of Who to know, but because Micheal and Casey were fans, I'm assuming I would be... I'll go listen now. 

Me: Another member of Face Candy is no longer here with us. Eyedea passed away in 2010, am I right? 

Kristoff: Correct. 

Me: How did you find out he passed? 

Kristoff: I walked in his apartment with his mother and found him the night he passed. 

Me: Did he perform on all the songs on "Waste Age Teen Land"? 

Kristoff: No. 

Me: After he passed, did you or the other guys think of not releasing another Face Candy album? 

Kristoff: No, we all knew that it had to be shared with the world, 1. because that's what Micheal wanted and 2. because everything was all ready to go (it was mastered, artwork was complete, etc.). 

Me: By the way, who else was in Face Candy with you? 

Kristoff: Casey O'Brien (bass) and JT Bates (drums).

Me: I was excited to see that you published a book called "The Other." 

Me: I will add that to the Peverett Phile Book Club. When did that book come out? 

Kristoff: Yes I did, back in September of 2008 it was released (it took me 3 years to compile the innards and arrange them in their current form). Although a part of me wants you to add it to the book club, another part of me wants to inform you that everything in it is a recycled lie. But if you do add it to your collection, make sure you also add, "The Illuminotous Trilogy" by Robert Anton Wilson. 

Me: Okay. It's full of essays, thought exercises and poems, right? What do you like to write about the most? 

Kristoff: I don't really "like" to write about anything, but I do find that I have a handful of common themes that I have found to run through my expression. Some of them being: knowing that at one time (a long time ago... or perhaps now, but in a distant layer) I was part of a "society/community" that was much more aware and connected that the reality/world that I exist in now. Personal conflicts and epiphanies... the perspective of one who has been lied to, taken advantage of, oppressed and exploited. Solutions to some of the major psychological dissonance that we are currently experiencing as a collective.

Me: When did you decide to release a book and would you release another? 

Kristoff: I decided to release the book on the Appetite For Distraction tour that I did with E&A in Jan. of 2008, after Mike suggested that the ball was in my court and that when I get home I should get Protools, make my own album, write my book and start really doing exactly what it is I want to do. 

Me: How old are you, Kristoff? You seem young, my friend. When you were a teenager you spent a few months in jail. How long where you in jail, and what was it for? 

Kristoff: I am 32 and will be 33 in November. I'm glad I "seem" young to you, hopefully you'll say the same when we interview 40 years from now as well. I spent 4.5 months in Dakota County Jail (MN) in the summer of 2003. Long story short: It was my first year of college in Mankato, I met a couple dudes who were on the football team, who I wanted to impress, so I told them I could get them some pot from the cities. I took their money, came into town, gave it to an acquaintance of mine, who in turn stole the money from me. When I went back to Mankato, the football fellas were upset and demanded that we go back to get the money. I came back into town, had a friend call them over. When they pulled up, we jumped in their car, locked the doors and demanded that they (the thieves) drive to their home to get us our money. When we got to their home, there were 5 squad cars waiting. I was charged with 2 felonies (which I am currently in the process of getting expunged). 

Me: You must of really changed coming out. Did that effect your writing and performing at all? 

Kristoff: I indeed changed. Aside from Micheal's death, and meeting my wife Sharri, this was undoubtedly the most influential experience I ever had. When you are confined you are forced to either being super growth oriented or super decay oriented... I prefer growing. I was in a condition where my time could only be occupied with a few things. One of them was writing/reading and the other was doing push ups/wrestling. Yes it did effect my writing, mostly because I was putting a lot more information in my head, which is bound to come out in some manner and because when I was in jail I decided that writing and sharing was something I was good at, something that I got validation from and something that I could use as a means to communicate and "help" others. 

Me: Okay, on Face Candy's other album "This Is Where We Were" you had proper album titles, but on "Waste Teen Land" your songs on titled "One," "Two," "Three" and so on all the way to "Fifteen.". There has to be a story behind that, am I right? 

Kristoff: I can say that it wasn't a mistake, but as far as a story behind it, I can't really kiss and tell on that one. 

Me: Before I let you go, I have to tell you I downloaded your own album "Picking Flowers Next To Roadkill" and I love that album. How would you compare it to Face Candy's work? By the way, where did THAT album title and song title come from? It's disgusting. Haha.

Kristoff: I'm glad you like the record (I do want to urge you to check out "Hunting For Father" and "This Will Work For Now," for they are my babies that I built all by myself). As far as comparing "Picking Flowers..." to Face Candy... I won't really go there. Face Candy is stripped down, raw and in-the-moment and "Picking Flowers" is processed, well thought out and polished. 

Me: You're coming out with a new CD this year, right?

Kristoff: Yes.

Me: Kristoff, thanks for being on the Phile. Please come back when your next project comes out. Go ahead and plug your website and please, take care of yourself. All the best.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Kristoff for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Sunday with Julian Grefe from Pink Skulls. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let alligators and snakes bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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