Hello, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. How has your weekend been? Probably better than me. Well, some of you know this, but I just spent two days at Celebration Hospital... I had a kidney stone that damaged a part of my kidney, and I almost went septic. They did a procedure today, putting a stent in, and removing the stone but the kidney has to heal itself. Thursday I go back in to have the stint removed. Now I just have to be in bed rest until then. We'll see how that goes. Kidney stones are God's way of telling us to abuse prescription painkillers. I should start naming my kidney stones like they do hurricanes. Okay, enough about me, let's talk about a gorilla, shall we?
I'm sure you heard by now but last weekend, tragedy was averted when a 4-year-old boy who fell into the gorilla enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo was rescued safely. Tragedy was averted for the 4-year-old and his family, that is... but gorilla tragedy happened big time when zoo staff shot and killed the gorilla. Now, people on social media are going after the kid's mom, claiming that she wasn't doing a good enough job of watching her kid and that she, ultimately, is to blame for 17-year-old silverback gorilla Harambe's death. Specifically, other kids and teens are wondering what their moms would do if they happened to fall into a gorilla pen, because life is dangerous. And as it turns out, lots of moms are jokers. Unless they're not joking, in which case, yikes. Kids, your best bet here is just to not fall into a gorilla pen, okay? Your mom is already busy enough without having to worry about dragging your careless ass out of a pit of wild animals.
Former Stanford University swimmer Brock Allen Turner raped an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. Prosecutors wanted him to be put in prison for six years, but the judge didn't want to be "unnecessarily harsh" to the kid. Instead of six years in prison, he'll be serving three months in a county jail. Contrary to what the judge believes, the details are pretty damn harsh. Turner, the once-Olympic hopeful, convicted of multiple felonies, was arrested in January 2015 after two Stanford graduate students saw him lying on top of his victim behind a dumpster outside of a frat party. "The Guardian" reports, "The two witnesses who were biking past that evening said they saw Turner 'thrusting' on top of the motionless woman and that they intervened and held him until police showed up. The victim, who gave emotional testimony during the trial, regained consciousness at a hospital more than three hours after the assault and told police she had no memory of the attack." The judge, Aaron Pesky, ruled that “A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him… I think he will not be a danger to others," citing Turner's age and the fact that this was only his first crime, even though, again, he raped an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. The Santa Clara district attorney, Jeff Rosen, slammed the sentencing, releasing a statement, "You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today," the victim said at the trial, reportedly facing Turner directly, "I am a human being who has been irreversibly hurt." But the judge didn't want Turner, who was convicted of raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, to get hurt. So, yeah.
Let's just get this over with... Amazon is listing a product called the Glow N Dark Pussy Snorkel. The cunnilingus safety device is currently unavailable for purchase, but worth knowing about because its purpose and description would even make the cashier at your local Spencer's blush.
Here is how the Pussy Snorkel is being marketed. "The Pussy Snorkel allows a man to continue breathing while performing oral sex on a woman in a spa, bathtub or even a bowl of green Jell-O. Insert the breathing apparatus into your nostrils, rub the clitoral stimulator against your favorite coral reef and start with the tongue action. With the Pussy Snorkel, any man can be a dive master."
This advancement in oral sex is purely technological. With the Pussy Snorkel description intending it to be used exclusively by men on women, the company, Glow N Dark, fails to acknowledge its potential female customer base. One would expect a business that produces cheap (probably toxic) glowing party supplies to be caught up with the social mores of the times. The 'Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed' section is pretty telling about what kind of demographic the Pussy Snorkel is attracting.
Novelty sex toys, big game hunting tools, "Star Trek" trinkets, and UFO magnetometers. All perfect for a last minute Father's Day gift.
"Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?" That's an easy enough question to answer but parents are upset over this question... and many more... that a teacher gave her students because gangs, pregnancy, and drugs, aren't exactly appropriate material for an eighth grade math class. At first, the kids at the Alabama middle school, which the "Washington Post" stated is about 50 percent black and 40 percent white, thought their teacher was pulling a bad joke. Parent Erica Hall, who told Fox 10 she "couldn't believe" this assignment, clarified that this was a real quiz. "They took it as a joke, and she told them that it wasn't it a joke, and they had to complete it, and turn it in." So how'd the kids do? Nobody knows. The real kicker is the teacher didn't even write the quiz, making this incident full of racism and laziness. Snopes took an in-depth look at the quiz and discovered that it's been a meme of sorts since the '90s. The so-called "L.A. Math Test" has gotten other teachers in trouble. Like the few foolish teachers who decided to quiz their students on their street smarts, this teacher was suspended. The teacher likely doesn't mind much, as this is their last year before retirement. Later I'll give you the full quiz.
Like a lot of pregnant women, Jordan Thiering of Brandon, Mississippi wants to keep her placenta after giving birth. After learning about the health benefits of eating the placenta (which are not yet scientifically proven but may include an increase in energy as well as milk production), Thiering called the hospital where she planned to deliver to let them know her plans. That's when she learned that in order to be allowed to keep her placenta, she'd need a court order. Great, just another thing to add to the "Getting Ready For Baby" list. The hospital told Thiering that it was an issue with the Mississippi Department of Health. According to a memo written by state epidemiologist Dr. Thomas Dobbs and obtained by "The Clarion-Ledger," the placenta is technically defined as "medical waste." The memo says that "no hospital or other facility may release non-infectious medical waste (including placental tissue) without there first having been obtained by a court order, or other judicial mandate, which will assure proper disposal by the release." Thiering was understandably frustrated. She wrote about her situation in a Facebook post, and was contacted by Jacqueline Hammack, an attorney who specializes in women's health issues. While Hammock had never dealt with (or even heard of) the legal implications of keeping one's placenta, she wanted to help. While she had no placenta to give Thiering, she was happy to provide legal assistance. So on May 2nd, Thiering petitioned the Rankin County Chancery County for the rights to her placenta, and the order was granted on May 17th. Hammack says she hopes their success will make it easier for other women who want to keep their own placentas, for whatever reason. After all, women don't usually have to get a court order to keep the baby that came inside that placenta.
Do you guys have a Fitbit? I was thinking about getting one, especially since they have badges for lazy people now.
So, it's prom season, right? Well, I nave had a prom as I graduated from school in England, but if I did, I would't look like the guy who wore his tallest formal attire.
So, as you know it's the Phile's 10th anniversary and on and off I'm showing you what people look like when they read the Phile. Like these hot girls...
So, wanna see what Princess Leia looks like in the next Star Wars movie?
Hahahaha. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is this week's...
Top Phive Startling Similarities And Differences Between Donald Trump And Harambe The Gorilla
5. Capable of human reasoning.
4. Known for flinging own feces when upset.
3. Head covered with lustrous simian fur.
2. Partners mated with for life.
And the number one startling similarity and difference between Trump and Harambe is...
1. Is bumming America out right now.
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, one of my favorite expressions is "zero fucks given." If you don't know what that means, well, here's a pheature to help you understand...
Good job, old lady. Alright, so, Harambe the Gorilla... guess what? Harambe wants to say something and wants to use the Phile. This is crazy... and stupid. Please welcome to the Phile...
Me: Hi, Harambe, welcome to the Phile. So, you wanted to say something?
Harambe: Yeah. I'm not sure why they killed me. I was doing a getter job of watching that lady's kid than she was.
Me: Harambe, it was an accident. It could of happened to anybody.
Harambe: Yeah, I wouldn't let my kid fall into a people exhibit though.
Me: Alright. So, anything else you wanna say?
Harambe: Scientists saved my sperm to continue the blood line. That's nice, right?
Me: Yeah, I guess so.
Harambe: You humans are crazy. Now everyone is an expert on parenting, zoos, gorillas and tranquilizer darts.
Me: You have a point.
Harambe: If I threw my baby on stage at a concert will they shoot Kanye?
Me: Haha. That's funny.
Harambe: Casey Anthony thought, 'Child falling into a gorilla pit... wish I had thought of that.'
Me: Okay, that's enough. Haramabe the Gorilla in Heaven, people. Bye, Harambe.
Harambe: Bye, your crazy people.
January 17th, 1942 — June 3rd, 2016
Floats like a butterfly, and, well, that's about it.
May 3rd, 1927 — May 24th, 2016
He won the National Cartoonists Society Medal of Honor, which I assume means you got shot while drawing a cartoon or something. Too much in pain to look it up. Lets go with that.
A zoo is a facility responsible for keeping endangered animals in their natural state of feebly and desperately clinging to life.
The 48th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Laura will be a guest on the Phile tomorrow.
Me: Hello, Bruno, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Bruno: Doing great.
Me: I have to say, you kids rock. Who is in the band?
Bruno: Myself, vocals, guitar, Jason Nott, guitar, backup vocals, Taylor Knowles, bass, backup vocals, Robert Platz on drums.
Me: You guys met your bass player Taylor here in Orlando, right? How did that happen?
Bruno: We were on tour with Four Year Strong and Set Your Goals we had a friend of ours playing bass for us until we could find a permanent member he saw us play then read on our Myspace that we were looking for a bass player and set in a video we've been touring and making records with him for over eight years now.
Me: Where are you guys based?
Bruno: Los Angeles, CA.
Me: I have to ask you about the band name, Drive A. What does it mean? It is an easy band title to remember. Is it a computer reference?
Bruno: It's a musical term like drive the A note.
Me: Oh. You guys recently came out with your second album "The World In Shambles" which I purchased from Amazon. How would you compare it to your first album "Loss of Desire"?
Bruno: This time we took a different approach we wrote a lot more songs before we went into the studio where as on loss of desire those were the only songs that we wrote. We recorded live this time around we were going for a natural, energetic record. The idea was if we're human why should our record sound like a machine.
Me: Do you think the world really is in shambles?
Bruno: Yea, in a certain sense but I think its also a really beautiful place.
Me: On the album you have a song named "Young Cunts." That's rare that Americans use that word so freely.
Bruno: It's a song that kind of pokes fun at people that try to be something that there not and just kind of makes fun of superficial shit that you see in the rock world nowadays.
Me: I am surprised that is the only song on the CD that has swearing in it. You kids have to swear a lot more, y'know. Go ahead, swear a lot here if you'd like.
Bruno: LOL. Well, it's the only one that has a swear word in the title. I swear a lot in the lyrics, I mean I don't really think about it. Fuck it, anything goes.
Me: You also recently came out with an EP called "The Marked Man." Was that recorded the same time as "The World In Shambles"?
Bruno: Yeah, we wanted to release a few songs from "The World In Shambles" before the album came out to give our fans a little taste of what the new album was gonna sound like that was the whole point of 'The Marked Man" EP.
Me: You guys are one of the best punk bands out there. Did you listen to punk growing up?
Bruno: Thanks a lot. Yeah, I grew up listening to Green Day, Billy Talent and then a lot of older bands like Sex Pistols, The Clash, and Sham 69. I love music that is just honest and upbeat and fun.
Me: I saw Green Day in concert over 20 years ago and they played for about 30 people here in Orlando. And then seven years ago I saw them again at a huge concert and now they have a Broadway musical based on their music. Do you think in 20 years you'll have a Broadway like show?
Bruno: We won't stop until were on Broadway... haha. I've always loved music my dream has always been to be able to play arenas in front of our own fans. I don't plan on giving up ever.
Me: I am a HUGE Social Distortion fan, guys. I am guessing you are fans of them as well, right?
Bruno: I love them. I was never super obsessed with them but you can't go wrong with "Mommy's Little Monster."
Me: You have played with a lot of cool bands over the years, like The Used (whose drummer was on the Phile), HIM and Alkaline Trio, and will be touring with the Rock Allegiance Tour with Buckcherry, Papa Roach and some other bands. Is there any band you haven't played with that you would love to? And is there a band that you would NEVER play with?
Bruno: I would love to play with Green Day, Blink 182, Rise Against... a bunch of bands. I don't think theres anyone we wouldn't play with we've toured with some great bands so far and we've also toured with some awful bands. It's always a great experience and a chance to spread the word about your music.
Me: One thing I noticed about you kids is you have your own logo, which many bands nowadays don't. Who came up with it, and for the Phile readers that don't know what it is, can you tell them?
Bruno: I came up with kind of from the letter A in the band name the logo is an anarchy flag but not like a political thing its more of a broader message to our fans we want people to go after there dreams you only live once so don't live a one sided life go big go for it.
Me: Thanks so much for being on the Phile, Bruno. Please come back again, now matter how big you get. I have to let my 16 year old son listen to you guys. I am guessing he'll dig you guys. Do you have a website you wanna plug?
Bruno: Drivearock.com, facebook.com/drivea, twitter.com/driveaband, youtube.com/drivearocks.
Me: Thanks again, and don't change your music.
Bruno: Thanks so much for interviewing me, I appreciate you'll have to come out to one of our shows soon.
Me: That would be cool.
That about does it for this entry. Thanks to Bruno for a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with author Laura Ingalls. Oh, shit, I forgot to tell you the other questions on that math test. I'll tell them to you now. Ready?
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarone want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?
Please confer with your fellow test takers to determine if you've answered these questions correctly. Ha. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Tooting is the best.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker