Sunday, November 17, 2013

Pheaturing Janet Abramson

Hello, and welcome to the Phile. So, I had a few emails last week asking me what happened on Monday? Why there was no Phile? I blame Google 100%. Haha. Things happen, but everything is okay now and I am back on track.  The MSNBC news network has decided to suspend Alec Baldwin's month-old program for two weeks following an incident in which the actor and host referred to a photographer on the street as a "cocksucking fag." Baldwin, who has a history of tossing around homophobic insults, maintains that he actually used the word "fathead." The entirety of the world is currently preparing to apologize to him for the grievous misunderstanding. Alec Baldwin's publicist is just a looped recording of an exhausted woman saying sorry.  Fox's FXX has agreed to pay Fox somewhere between $750 million and $1 billion for the right to show old episodes of Fox's iconic animated series "The Simpsons", which is produced by 20th Century Fox, on the Fox-owned comedy channel. Must be an exciting day for Fox, Fox and Fox. At work there's always that weird moment when everyone's having a blast quoting "The Simpsons" and someone brings up a newer episode and we just sigh.  Chris Brown... who entered a rehab program, for something or other, two weeks ago following an incident in which he beat a man in Washington DC, is already home and "continuing his rehab program as an outpatient," because apparently that's how good he is at getting better. You'd probably be wise not to question his decision, or else things could get ugly.  The council chair of Lafourche Parish in Louisiana wants to defund a local library because, as he says, "They’re teaching Mexicans how to speak English... Let that son of a bitch go back to Mexico." Lindel Toups would instead like to use the money for a new jail to be used, presumably, only for English-speaking white people.  While buying himself a new PlayStation 4 at a Dallas-area Walmart, Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant paid for an additional four and then gave them away to fellow shoppers who were waiting to buy the newly-released gaming console. Sadly, this means that four poor eBay shoppers will be forced to go without new PS4s for at least a few hours. Pretty selfish when you think about it.  According to a new report, a steady diet Flamin' Hot Cheetos may be partially responsible for what appears to be a bloody stool epidemic in children. Though one might be forgiven for assuming that the mass consumption of the snack food was causing internal organs to break down and seep out of the body through the anus, it is in fact the red food coloring causing the "bloody" effect. So, parents should feel free to allow their children to eat the delicious food-like product at every meal.  A morally-upright restaurant patron in New Jersey recently made the wise decision to withhold her tip from a server whom she assumed to be one of those homosexuals we're always hearing about. In lieu of monetary, the concerned citizen left a note explained, "Sorry, I cannot tip because I do not agree with your lifestyle and the way you live your life." Because, as Jesus once said, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, but screw those gay waiters. They get nothing!" Here's a picture of that check...

Being gay is natural, hating gay is a lifestyle choice.  Alright, kids, please feel free to eat all of the white chocolate-flavored Pringles in the world.

Really, be my guest. No, no, no. Don't feel the need to save any of them for me. I'll be fine. You just go ahead and enjoy this festive holiday treat all on your own. Oh, and maybe wash them down with every drop of mint-flavored soda on Earth.  Next Saturday is the 50th anniversary of "Doctor Who". Are you excited? It also happens to be my 45th birthday just in case you don't know. Anyway, they released an inspirational poster just for the anniversary.

And yes I have in case you are wondering.  So, I was gonna go the library yesterday but I saw this...

This has me thinking... if a Silence looks away from a Weeping Angel does the Angel move closer, or forget the encounter? I wonder...  So, like I said next Saturday I'll be turning 45, and if you want to get me a cake one like this would be cool.

So, get to work, kids. Okay, and now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Similarities Between The McRib And Kim Kardashian's Butt
5. Has an unhealthily devoted following.
4. Consists mainly of fat, preservatives, artificial ingredients, and just a hint of real meat.
3. Has been sampled by millions.
2. Capable of destroying a toilet.
And the number one similarity between a McRib and Kim's butt...
1. Has been known to stain pants.

If you spot the Mindphuck email me at Okay, before we continue, I have to talk about something. As you probably know Port Jefferson in New York is very dear to my heart. I grew up there and think about it a lot. Well, in the last few years a brewery opened up there called Port Jeff Brewing Company. Here's a pic of it...

Well, I love beer and I also love Port Jeff so these things coming together is bloody fantastic. I don't know when I'll make it up to Port Jeff again so I had a plan... what about if I talk about Port Jeff Brewing Company here on the Phile and plug it, and they find out I might be able to get some free beer... or at least a baseball cap or t-shirt... XXL if you guys are listening. Port Jeff Brewing Company is gonna be at Cold North Wind Cask Night on November 22nd to hand deliver a cask of their Barleywine Cold North Wind. But this isn't just any cask of Cold North it's going to be packed with locally grown berries. The berries don't stop there because they're going to hand make you jams out of those same berries to pair with their house pretzels! So come down at 8pm and hang out with the guys from Port Jeff and check out this one of a kind beer!

Alright, let's see what happens. Okay, it's Sunday and you know what that means. Please welcome back to the Phile my good friend Jeff for a pheature called...

Me: Jeff, how are you? Welcome.

Jeff: Always good to be back on the Phile!

Me: So, what's the latest NFL news?

Jeff: I would say the biggest story of the week is that the Texans released Ed Reed this past week. He had just signed with the team in the offseason but clearly was not living up to his big contract so the team released him. Just a day later he signed with the Jets, reuniting him with his former defensive coordinator and now Jets head coach Rex Ryan.

Me: Any new injuries to talk about?

Jeff: We saw more injuries, like that to Peyton Manning. He does not seem to want to miss the game for first place against Kansas City. Speaking of the Chiefs, their top wide receiver was in the headlines for a DUI. Good job, Dwayne Bowe!

Me: Anybody being bullied this week?

Jeff: The case in Miami just keeps getting stranger and stranger. Richie Incognito did an interview with the Fox Sports and he just came off as a complete idiot. I am sure in his head he is completely justified for not only the bullying but also what he said to Fox. But to the rest of us, it was just nonsense.

Me: Speaking of Florida teams, how did they do? They won, right?

Jeff: Good news for the state of football in Florida, both the previously winless Tampa Bay Bucs and Jacksonville Jaguars each won their first games of the season.

Me: So, how did we do last week? Let me guess.. Lori is in the lead and I'm on last place.

Jeff: The good news is it only took ten weeks for the Steelers, the Eagles, and the Giants all won in the same week. So Lori, you and I all got a point this week for that. Lori went 2-0 again this week while you and I each went 1-1. She now leads me by 17 points and you by 23 points.

Me: Okay, let's so this weeks picks. I say Redskins by 3 and Packers by 7. Take that, Lori. Haha.

Jeff: Are you aware that you picked the Packers against the New York Giants? Your team? Lori wanted me to point that out to you.

Me: I am an idiot! Let me do another pick... Saints by 6. Good spotting, Lori.

Jeff: As far as my picks I will go with Jets by three points and Arizona by three points as well.. Lori has picked Seattle by five and Bengals by three points.

Me: Good job, Jeff. See you next week on the Phile next Saturday for my birthday entry.

Jeff: See you next week.

It's 10:06 am, 75°F and Kelly tweeted: "My best friend died yesterday. Joplin was special. He fought his whole life to survive & now he can rest. I loved him."

I bet he saw her naked when he was alive though. Lucky dog. Okay, well, you know now what time it is. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man, and fiend of the Phile. It's...

Good morning, humans. Three things you may not know about me. 1. In the late 80s, I was asked to join a band with members of The Vinnie Vincent Invasion. I turned it down because I was deeply involved with a project of my own. Mark Slaughter was then asked, they named the band after him, they became huge on MTV and women had posters of him on their walls. 2. At age 13, I lost my virginity to my mother's best friend who looked like Loni Anderson (she introduced my parents to each other and changed my diapers while babysitting me when I was one year old). 3. My first job was selling peanuts in the stands at Freeport Raceway when I was twelve years old. Great question just inboxed to me... What would be the perfect woman for you? She would have to have an inordinate amount of patience (I'm no picnic). A rather bawdy sense of humor. A sense of adventure. A fierce nature. Plenty of staying power in bed. Must love the simple things in life and the complicated nature of the heart and mind. Must not be frightened by guns, driving fast or long walks after midnight in a dangerous part of town. This is why I'm still single.

The 37th artist to be pheatured in the Phile's Art Gallery is something different. She works for a company called Artyfakes, and is a Cosplayer. Her name is Tabitha Lyons and this her and something she worked on.

Tabitha will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Today's pheatured guest is not only the mother of a Phile Alumni Lee Abramson, but a first time singer who has a new album out called "In My Life", which is one of my favorite songs ever by The Beatles and one of the songs I want played at my funeral. Anyway, please welcome to the Phile... Janet Abramson.

Me: Hello, Janet, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Janet: I'm fine, thanks for asking.

Me: Janet, where are you from and where do you live now?

Janet: I'm from Detroit, and have lived in East Lansing, Michigan, since 1967.

Me: As you know, last year I had your son Lee on the Phile. He's pretty remarkable, isn't he? You must be very proud of him.

Janet: Yes, I'm very proud of my son, Lee.

Me: Is he your only child, Janet?

Janet: No, Lee is our older child of two. We also have a married daughter.

Me: Do you live close to Lee?

Janet: Lee lives with me and with my husband.

Me: If the readers don't remember, Lee has ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig's disease. Were you there when he was diagnosed?

Janet: Yes, I was in the hospital room when Lee was given his diagnosis of ALS.

Me: When you and your husband found out, a hundred things went through your mind I am sure. My son is 14 and I don't know what I would do if the same thing happened to him. How did you all cope? 

Janet: We coped by taking it one day at a time. Many days have been the happiest of my life. Other days have been very stressful.

Me: He lost the ability to speak but thanks to ModelTalker he can communicate. When you first heard of this device what did you think, Janet?

Janet: Lee is still able to speak, but his voice is getting weaker. ModelTalker is a modern miracle. Patients with many conditions such as stroke, Cerebral Palsy, ALS, etc. can communicate by using this modern system.

Me: Explain to the readers how it works. It's pretty remarkable.

Janet: Lee knows much more about ModelTalker than I do. I think he can explain it better to you.

Me: Okay, when Lee was here he was running for President. Not just any President, but President of the United States. How do you think he did?

Janet: Lee enjoys communicating with friends and fans all around the world. He ran a lively campaign for U.S. president, and even got some votes! His ideas are liberal and very interesting.

Me: Did you think it was silly when he said he wanted to run for president?

Janet: I didn't "let" Lee run for president. He's a 43 year old man and very independent in many ways. If he wants to run for president, he can go for it. But I'm not rich so I couldn't contribute funds to his campaign.

Me: Wasn't there a problem when you took him to vote, Janet? What happened?

Janet: When Lee tried to vote, the local election officer wouldn't accept his mail-in ballot because he used a signature stamp. Lee is not able to hold a pen, so that meant his vote was not counted. He expressed his disagreement with a local reporter. A state legislator read about the situation and helped change State law. Now disabled people can vote using a signature stamp in the state of Michigan.

Me: Very cool. Okay, Lee is an accomplished musician, who didn't give up after he had ALS. Well, he gave up for awhile, but got right into making new music. You must of been so happy when he started to be creative again.

Janet: Yes, I'm very happy that Lee has continued composing and producing his original music. He has created six CD's of his own music, which are all available online.

Me: And now you and he have your own CD out called "In My Life". Whose idea was to do this album, Janet?

Janet: I think Lee and I both came up with the idea of doing a CD together.

Me: You sing on it and Lee did all the music, is that right?

Janet: Yes, I sing on our CD titled "In My Life" and Lee produced the accompaniments.

Me: The album is full of wonderful covers and the title track, The Beatles' "In My Life" is one of my favorite songs ever. I want that song played at my funeral, but Johnny Cash's version. Anyway, how did you choose which songs to record and why stop after nine?

Janet: I chose the songs because they all were important to me at various times in my life. The first song is "I Left My Heart in San Francisco." My husband and I met as students at the University of California, Berkeley. It's our favorite song. All the other songs are my jazz, pop, and Motown favorites. I'm a Detroiter, so Motown is my town! The last song, "Wind Beneath My Wings," is my song for Lee.

Me: How did you choose "In My Life" to be the title track?

Janet: I chose "In My Life" as the title because all the songs express experiences from my life, and because I just love that Beatles song.

Me: Have you been singing for a long time, Janet?

Janet: When I was an undergraduate, I had a singing career in Detroit. It was the folk music era, and I sang mostly folk songs, protest songs, and blues.

Me: Were you nervous recording this album?

Janet: I was a bit nervous about recording because it was the first time I had ever done a CD.

Me: So, do you think you'll be recording another album?

Janet: I'm not sure if we'll do another CD, but I hope we can some soon.

Me: Proceeds from the album go to something that is special for you, where do they go to?

Janet: All proceeds from our CD go to ALS Therapy Development Institute (ALS-TDI) in Cambridge, MA. The Institute is the only research lab those focuses entirely on finding treatments and a cure for ALS. The website is  

Me: That's wonderful, Janet. Apart from the Phile, are you getting lots of press?

Janet: The CD is now available for download on Amazon and iTunes, as well as 26 other worldwide sites. We have gotten some amazing responses! So far we have raised nearly $4,000 for the ALS Therapy Development Institute.

Me: Congrats! Not many mom's can say they recorded an album with their son's. This is rather special, don't you agree?

Janet: Yes, I've never heard of a mother and son musical team, so it is remarkable.

Me: Okay, so, on the Phile I am asking random questions thanks to Tabletopics. Are you ready? What historical time would you like most to visit?

Janet: What historical time would I like most to visit? The 1920s in New York.

Me: Janet, thanks for being on the Phile, and please come back sometime. And tell Lee I said hello. Take care.

Janet: Thanks very much for interviewing me on the Phile. It has been wonderful!

Me: Thanks, Janet.

There you go, man, that was a long entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz, Laird Jim and of course Janet Abramson. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Britt Brombacher, better known as the BlondeNerd. And then next Saturday it's My Phorty-Phifth Birthday Special Entry Pheaturing Phile Alum Neara Russell. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Strawberry Blondes Forever.

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