Hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday, how are you? Yep, it's Sunday, and do you know what that means? "Breaking Bad" will have its final episode tonight. I have only seen the first few episodes myself, but if you don't know what it's about I'll tell you. It's about a chemistry teacher who has cancer and starts making meth to help cover his medical bills and provide for his family. Or as Republicans call that, a legitimate alternative to Obamacare. Speaking of Obamacare... In his effort to try to stop Obamacare, Texas Senator Ted Cruz spoke for 21 hours and 19 minutes nonstop. That's impressive, but still eight hours short of the record held when somebody asked Joe Biden, "Hey, what's new?" In Russia a group of parents have asked Vladimir Putin to cancel an Elton John concert because they say it promotes a homosexual lifestyle. They say they don't want to see gay people on stage. They're going to replace it with a performance by the Bolshoi Ballet. A North Carolina woman stabbed her roommate's ex-boyfriend because she claimed he wouldn't stop playing Eagles music. He's okay, but apparently she stabbed him with those steely knives but she just couldn't kill the beast. So, we have a few days before the government will close down. When they say they're closing down the government, people get scared. I'll give you an example. Diana Nyad swam back to Cuba. If you were wondering what you should actually be outraged about this week, it's this. Former high school teacher Stacey Rambold is going free after serving a 30-day sentence for raping a 14-year-old student in 2007. She later committed suicide. The insanely lenient sentence was handed down to Rambold by G. Todd Baugh, the sleaziest judge of all time, who commented at the sentencing that the girl was "older than her chronological age." Prosecutors are appealing the sentence, which is good because otherwise I would march on over to Montana and personally appeal the sentence. Burger King released their lower-calorie Satisfries this week, and now McDonald's is getting ready to offer more healthy options in their value meals as well. Pretty soon, you'll be able to sub in vegetables, fruit, or even a salad for fries (can't wait to see how many people take advantage of that trade). It's like these two fast food giants don't even care about the grease that made America great, if greatness is measured in daily caloric intake. Fast food places should be responsible for making well-salted cardboard we eat guiltily on road trips or at 3 a.m. Nothing more, nothing less. It's like that Rolling Stones song: "I fry and I fry and I fry... I can't get no satisfraction." I mentioned this yesterday and I have to mention this again... Apparently, in China, people are just growing new noses right and left. A 22-year-old had his original nose seriously injured in a car crash, but did little to repair it. When the nose became infected, it wasn't possible to do reconstructive surgery, so doctors implanted tissue into his forehead and then something something science there is a nose growing out of his forehead. Eventually, they'll replace his old and busted nose with the new hotness nose. So yeah, if you were wondering if China was going to control the world anytime soon, they are. I have to show you a picture of this. It's not the greatest picture but you'll get the idea.
That pic actually is rather confusing. Last week I think it was I mentioned how much I don't like Bill Nye. Well, this past week he was injured on "Dancing With the Stars". Yeah! I am so happy. I don't know much about his old TV show, but when I met him back in '96 or so he was a complete arsehole. I will tell you kids the story one day. Anyway, when I looked at one of his old ads for his TV show I am not surprised he is an ass.
What a dick. I went to McDonald's for dinner last night and couldn't believe the menu they now have.
Haha. Those were the days, right? So, space fans, did you hear a NASA space probe found Han Solo on Mercury's surface? No? Well, I have the proof.
That's so stupid. It does look kinda like Han Solo frozen in carbonite though, doesn't it? Kinda maybe? Did you guys see the ad for Dyson vacuum's? All I could think of was those sick bastards at Dyson. Check it out.
Actually, that might be worth a try... just kidding. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...
Top Phive Signs That It's Fall In New York
5. Jets coach Rex Ryan has been calling out plays between bites of caramel apple.
4. The smell of urine in the subways carries a delightful hint of nutmeg.
3. The family of sparrows that lives in Trump's hair has flown south for the winter.
2. Over the weekend, a tireless Mayor Bloomberg was seen raking Central Park.
And the number one sign that it's fall in New York...
1. Now, when a homeless guy spits on you, you can almost see his breath.
If you spot the Mindphuck email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Alright, do you remember the Phile character Eve Rest? Well, she's back and wants to tell us something that is really upsetting her. So, please welcome back to the Phile...
Me: Hello, Eve, welcome back to the Phile. So, what's up?
Eve: The ATM had no 50s so I got my pay in 20s.
Me: What's wrong with that?
Eve: Now my wallet won't close.
Me: I'm sorry. Eve Rest, kids!
It's 11:41 a.m., 80°F and People Magazine had the chance to catch up with Kelly and learn about her awesome experience in Peru! Get all of the details and read the full story here...
Looks like she's at the Animal Kingdom at Disney. Haha. Okay, well, it's that time again. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man and phriend of the Phile. Please welcome back to the Phile Laird Jim with...
I took one of my clients and his five year old daughter into NYC so she can begin her cancer treatments tomorrow. She was very happy to show me her new butterfly ring. I told her how much I love butterflies and she smiled and hugged me. When I ended my day, I found the ring on the floor in the backseat. First thing tomorrow, I'm bringing it to her before her treatment starts.
Wow, Laird. Let us know how she is.
The 36th artist to be pheatured in the Phile's Art Gallery is Rebekie Bennington and this is one of her pieces...
Rebekie will be a guest on the Phile a week from today.
Today's pheatured guest is the lead singer for the great band that I love... Hickoids. They have a new fantastic album called "Hairy Chafin' Ape Suit" which is available on iTunes and they'll be next appearing tonight at Tex Pop in San Antonio, Texas. Please welcome to the Phile from Hickoids... Jeff Smith.
Me: Hello, Jeff, and welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Jeff: Thanks for inviting us in. Doing well.
Me: I'm a big fan of the band so I'm glad you here. Hickoids were originally formed in the 80s, am I right? Was it around '84?
Jeff: We started late in '83, and played our first real show in March '84.
Me: All you guys are from Texas, I take it. Where abouts?
Jeff: I live in San Antonio, the rest of the guys live in Austin.
Me: How did the band originally form? Were you all members of other bands and decided to get together?
Jeff: I originally started the band with a fellow known only as Jukebox. He really recruited me, he's about ten years my senior. We started writing songs together and went through a few editions of the band before recording our first album "We're In It For The Corn" in 1985. He did one more EP with us, departing in late '86 I believe. Davy and I have been the mainstays since then.
Me: Hickoids were once branded a country band, but I wouldn't call you country. What kinda music would you call the Hickoids?
Jeff: Mmmm... I don't think country fans have ever thought of us as a country band. We used to refer to ourselves as a cowpunk band but I think that has a lot of negative connotations now. We are a rock band.
Me: The band took a hiatus years ago. What made you guys reform?
Jeff: Aw, I think Davy and I always knew we would reform the band at some point in time. We felt like we had left a lot business unfinished. And we're too old to start over under a new name. LMAO.
Me: The band didn't reform or get together with all the original members... Richard Hays your original bass player passed away. What happened and when and how did you find out?
Jeff: Richard died of heart failure in 2001. He had issues with his heart for a number of years and didn't take very good care of himself. Mitch Webb of the San Antonio band The Swindles called and told me.
Me: So, I have to ask, where did the band name come from? And who came up with it?
Jeff: Davy Jones came up with it before he was in the band. Jukebox and I were at his apartment one day and we saw a homeless guy in a crumpled cowboy hat digging in the dumpster. Davy said, "That's one hickoid looking son of a bitch.", and we knew instantly that would be our name.
Me: Would you call yourselves hicks?
Jeff: Not really. We're not urbane... but we are city boys.
Me: You guys I am sure have your share of stories and tales. And you have all been arrested once or twice I believe. Haha. I've never been arrested myself. Was there ever a time you felt that was it, your life is ending?
Jeff: I think Davy and are the only ones out if the current edition of the band who have been arrested. None of my many trips to jail were fun but they were a necessary part of getting to where I am today. But to answer your question I never felt like "this is it". Stupid, angry, remorseful... yes. Fatalistic... no.
Me: I am sure you had your share of parties... what is the craziest thing you ever did at a party?
Jeff: That is almost impossible to say. Maybe drawing a swastika on Davy Jones' scrotum while he was passed out and then calling him Nazi Balls when he came to.
Me: Oh, man. And what has been the craziest gig you have ever done?
Jeff: Crazy good or crazy bad?
Me: You tell me.
Jeff: One Mardi Gras in New Orleans in the mid-80s comes to mind. We played with The Offenders and Scratch Acid. I'd have to kill you if I were to share any more.
Me: Then don't. Didn't you play a show for two people once and one of those guys were Peter Buck from REM? Was this before REM were known?
Jeff: No, REM was famous at the time. I think it was '85 or '86 in Athens. A friend of mine was their manager when they first started and called him and asked him to come out to the show. We shared a couple of bills with The Baseball Project at SXSW a couple of years ago. He was really nice and told me that he still had our first album from that night, and we traded copies of our new CD's. The other person there was Davy's father. After hearing the band that night he remarked "I hear the punk, where's the cow?"
Me: What happened? Was that show badly promoted? Do you remember much of it?
Jeff: Aw, usual mid-80s unknown road band shit. The headliner was called Strawberry Fields, a cover band. Place was packed almost immediately after we got done. I think we either got stiffed or some fairly insulting amount of money. I do know we had a fight amongst ourselves in the street in the middle of the night in downtown Athens which is a pretty quiet place.
Me: And didn't Nine Inch Nails open for you guys? Now Trent Reznor has an Oscar. Crazy.
Jeff: Yes they did and yes, that is crazy. There is no accounting for taste.
Me: Haha. Jeff, who are your favorite bands you have ever played with?
Jeff: From the old days?
Me: Any days.
Jeff: The West Coast cowpunk bands... Tex & The Horseheads, Blood on The Saddle, The Screamin' Sirens. The U-Men from Seattle, Tales of Terror, Loco Gringos, Cows, Sin City Disciples and of course our Austin homies like Poison 13 and The Offenders. In the new era The Poor Dumb Bastards, The Grannies, Pat Todd & The Rank Outsiders, The Beaumonts, Loco Gringos, Churchwood, Piñata Protest, to name a few. l know I'm leaving out many and hope no one is offended, but these are the main ones that come to mind that we've shared a lot of camaraderie with.
Me: All bands I'd love to pheature on the Phile. On the Phile I interviewed The Whiskey Rebel from Rancid Vat. I bet you guys have played with Rancid Vat and partied with them. Am I right?
Jeff: Partied with maybe, played with no.
Me: Okay, lets talk about your new release "Hairy Chafin' Ape Suit" which I downloaded from iTunes and really like. I am guessing the title is a Planet of the Apes reference judging by the album cover. Am I right?
Me: Then what is the title referring to?
Jeff: It is a title we've had for over 20 years... it just had kind of a funny ring to it. I could explain the whole story behind it and you would understand less than you do now and have to buy more server space. But, it doesn't refer to any real or specific thing and the cover art was conceptualized after the album title.
Me: The album is mostly originals with a few covers. What covers are on the album?
Jeff: "Fruit Fly" is a cover of the Loco Gringos song from the 80s, "Stop It You're Killing Me" was originally by a San Antonio band called the Happy Dogs. I reworked that one.
Me: There's a song called "TJ". What does TJ stand for?
Jeff: Tijuana. Pepe from the Loco Gringos and I wrote the first verse of the song one night in Dallas around 1990. I spent 20 years finishing it.
Me: I am quite sure you are gonna be touring behind this album. Will you guys be playing in Florida?
Jeff: Eventually. We need to get down and see our old buddy Ernie Locke from The Sin City Disciples and Tenderloin in Tampa. We played with Blowfly (he's from Miami) two nights ago.
Me: How would you compare the Hickoids shows now to the ones when you started out? Do you still party a lot?
Jeff: They are not as chaotic. None of the band members pass out on stage. The music is better. I'm sexier. My dick is bigger. Neither Davy or I drink alcohol anymore.
Me: Okay, so, on the Phile I ask random topics thanks to Tabletopics. Are you ready? Which of your ancestors would you like most to meet?
Jeff: I'm a distant relative of both Edgar Allen Poe and Pretty Boy Floyd so it's a toss-up.
Me: That's really cool. Jeff, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Go ahead and plug your websites and please come back again soon.
Jeff: Thanks for inviting us in. You can find us at Hickoids.com (links to all the usual social networking sites there) and my label website is saustex.com. I have lots of great stuff by regional bands who meet at the intersection of punk and roots. Go ahead and get your credit card out before you hit the site, you won't leave empty handed.
Me: Really cool, and maybe I'll have some of those bands on the Phile. Thanks, Jeff.
If that's not a Planet of the Apes reference I don't know what is. Haha. That about does it for this entry of the phile. Thanks to Laird Jim and of course Jeff Smith. The Phile will be back tomorrow with British singer Sarah Williams White and then next week there's gonna be four entries... Four! Friday it's singer Vanessa Rose, Saturday it's Christopher Noyes, lead singer for the Florida band Solia Tera. Sunday it's artist Rebekie Bennington and Monday Phile Alum Charlotte Sometimes. That's the plan anyway. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Strawberry Blondes Forever.