Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Stupid Valentine's Day

Welcome to the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog. It's Valentine's Day, people, I hope you got a kiss from your loved ones. Or at least a hug, or a smile. Did anybody notice that a heart looks like an ass upside down? I gave my wife a card, a fake rose and a box of chocolate kisses. What did you give your loved ones? How about the presidential race? Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. Indications are she getting a little nervous, maybe a little desperate. Earlier today, she showed up wearing a painted-on pantsuit. How about that Mitt Romney? I’m going to miss him. He’s like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy’s tomb. After John McCain swept the primaries, he purposely stole a line Barack Obama’s been using: "I’m fired up and ready to go." When Obama heard this, he stole a line McCain’s been using: "I’m old and not sure where I am." This week a man in Florida was arrested for hitting the manager of a Taco Bell in the face with a bag full of Tacos. Afterwards, the Taco Bell manager said, “It’s weird, my tacos usually don’t attack me until I’m in the bathroom.” The writers’ strike is over! I’m just excited to get new episodes of “Army Wives” back. Another gift from the comedy gods: Baseball great Roger Clemens sat in front of Congress today, to answer questions about whether or not he used performance-enhancing drugs. Clemens says he didn’t; his former trainer says he did. I might be the only one who believes them both. I only know this: I watched this thing for three hours and I have not heard the word buttocks used so often in congressional hearings since the last time Oliver North showed up wearing a banana hammock. They’re very focused on buttocks because it takes their minds off the economy and the war and all that other stuff. Did I tell you I'll miss that Mitt Romney? He looks like a doctor with a miracle cure for arthritis. He looks like a lawyer in a Yellow Pages ad. President Bush says during his last year in office, he will visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. He says he will accomplish all of this in one weekend by going to Epcot. Last week, prison guards had to use tear gas to break up prison riots in New Jersey. When the tear gas didn’t work, the guards sprayed the prisoners with New Jersey air. Dolly Parton has cancelled her tour because her boobs are hurting her back. It's funny, because Amy winehouse cancelled her tour because her face was hurting me. Dolly used to have an
attraction in Orlando called Dixie Stampede. Amy Winehouse is soon to open one called My face Got Run Over My A Stampede. I feel sorry for Amy Winehouse. All that fame and money . . . no wonder she’s gone a little crackie. Amy Winehouse won five Grammys! She wasn’t there. She couldn’t get a visa for her drugs. 

R.I.P.

Roy Scheider: So long, old chum.
David Groh: Remember him? The husband from Rhoda? No?

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

The man known as the Hyde Park rapist has moved for the third time in three weeks — this time to a U.S. 1 apartment complex a mile and a half away from his old address. Convicted serial rapist Bobby Joe Helms had been living since Jan. 25 at the Hollandale Mobile Home Park in old Eau Gallie. State prison officials said he was scheduled to move Friday from the Pineapple Avenue residence he settled into two weeks ago to 3735 N. Harbor City Blvd. in Melbourne. Known as the "Hyde Park rapist," Helms served 13 years in prison after pleading guilty to raping 12 Tampa-area women and attempting to rape four others during three years in the 1980s. In 1999, Helms was released on probation and spent eight years in a secured state treatment center before his release on Jan. 17. Upon his release, Helms moved into a Melbourne apartment complex at 1734 Avocado Ave., two and a half miles from his new address. He left a week later amidst neighbor complaints, news media uproar and apparent conflict with his landlords.

FEBRUARY 14TH IN HISTORY

Feb 14
The eve of the Roman feast of Lupercalia. Naked youths would run through Rome, anointed with the blood of sacrificed dogs and goats, waving thongs cut from the goats. If a young woman was struck by the thong, fertility was assured. Pope Gelasius I decided this was a bit too much, and co-opted the Roman holiday to be the Feast of St. Valentine in 484 A.D.
1779
English explorer Captain JamesCook and some of his crew are slaughtered by angry Hawaiian islanders, after he tried to take a Hawaiian chief hostage over a dispute regarding a stolen boat.
1929
The Capone gang kills six members of the "Bugs" Moran gang and one other person at the S.M.C. Cartage company in Chicago, in an event known as the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. Bogus police officers were used so that it appeared to be a routine police bust. Except for all the bodies.
1979
Walter Carlos, the musician who created "Switched on Bach" and the score of A Clockwork Orange, reveals to the world that he has had a sex change operation and is henceforth to be referred to as Wendy.
1989
Ayatollah Khomeini issues a takfir against Salman Rushdie, for his writings in the Satanic Verses. The act propels the otherwise uninteresting book into a bestseller.

LEAST ROMANTIC LOVE SONG LYRICS

John Mayer: "Your Body is a Wonderland": "One mile to every inch of Your skin like porcelain One pair of candy lips and Your bubblegum tongue."
Oh Jesus Christ, John! You almost had it, too. The cliches sort of worked for a little while, but then you decide to venture out into the land of uncharted metaphors, and the best you can come up with is bubblegum tongue?
Emerson, Lake & Palmer: "Still ... You Turn Me On": "When you're buried in disguise By the dark glass on your eyes Though your flesh has crystallized; Still ... you turn me on.Every day a little sadder, A little madder, Someone get me a ladder."
I'm not sure if it's the talk of rage that grows inside him each day, or the necrophiliac imagery of crystallized flesh, but by the time he gets to that last line, I can't help but wonder if the ladder is for the girl he keeps in the hole in his basement.
The Faces: "Stay With Me": "Won't need too much pursuadin,' I don't mean to sound degradin,' But with a face like that you got nothin' to laugh about."
Rod Stewart making comments on someone else's looks? That's pretty rich, Roderick.
It's a good rule of thumb that anything you could possibly say to a woman following the phrase, "I don't mean to sound degradin,' but ... " is good for a trip directly to dry-penis-ville.
REO Speedwagon: "Keep OnLoving You": "You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe But you didn't listen You played dead, but you never bled,
Instead you lay still in the grass, all coiled up and hissing" The chorus, with its promise to "keep on loving you," made this song a staple of those "As Seen on TV" love song compilation CDs. This verse however reads like bad poetry by a rageaholic husband from a Lifetime Channel movie. First he gets mad at her for not reading the tone of his voice correctly. Then the woman in question plays dead, presumably so he'll stop hitting her. But, as he points out, she wasn't bleeding. So, you know, he did her a favor. Then he calls her a snake, making this one of the most hate-fueled lyrical barrages this side of "Bulls on Parade." But it's not REO Speedwagon's fault. He puts up with so much. Besides, REO Speedwagon only does it because he loves us so much.
Prince: "Gett Off": "Remind me of something James used to say,
'I like 'em fat, I like 'em proud, Ya gotta have a mother for me,'
Now move your big ass 'round this way so I can work on that zipper, baby
Cus, tonight you're a star--and I'm the big dipper" This was bound to happen. Prince writes so many songs about sexing the ladies, that one of them was bound to cross a line into the land of ball-kneeing idiocy. This verse violates one of the oldest laws of seduction: never comment on a girl's weight. Oh, and never refer to yourself as the big dipper.

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida here's this week's top ten list.
TOP TEN HONEST VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS
10. Let's Pork!
9. You're Probably The Best I Can Do At This Stage Of Life
8. Blowing Me For Jewelry Isn't THAT Much Like Prostitution?
7. There's No One I'd Rather Lie To About Our Future Together Than You
6. Hard As A Rock For You
5. Happy Valentine's Day, Blind Date. I Can't Wait To Show You My Hentai Tentacle Rape Porn Collection
4. This Valentine's Day Let's Not Fuck Other People For Once
3. ANA LSE X2N ITE
2. You'd Be Perfect If You Lost 15 Pounds
And the number one honest Valentine's Day card
1. I Have The Junk To Your Vag, Valentine

CANNED LAUGHTER

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours it down the back of her skirt. The bartender looks on in amazement as she pours another glass, and again tips it down the back of her skirt. His curiosity piqued, the bartender quickly inquires, “Lady, why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?” To which the woman replies, “I’ve just won the lottery and this is the only asshole I’m sharing it with!”

FOGHAT

This is from an article that was on the USAToday website: Sleeper download hits, or: Who knew Foghat's 'Slow Ride' sold 200k? Slow ride but a lucrative one: Foghat's Slow Ride is, as previewed in the headline, up to 203,000. Have you ever met one of those people?

DAD

Dave was a friend of mine and he never even knew it. He liked my music. He proved this over and over again by making records that reflected what I liked and what I was feeling. I could always catch up to where he was by listening to his latest releases (it was vinyl back then). Listening to his perspective always had a way of setting things right. I was always better off after hearing from him. Not too serious but always real. Listening to him I grew older and wiser and always appreciated his willingness to let his music kick me in the ass when needed. He was a fan of, as well as, an ambassador for the music that he loved and played. A musician's musician.The joy of being able to play the music he loved in front of fan's that "got" him was never lost on him. He gave it everything he had every night. It was his charge in life and he never shirked from it. No matter what he might have been feeling he never ever let on that he might be tired or weak or scared. Maybe he wasn't. I like to think that as fans we helped give him back what he wanted and needed in order to get up one more day and carry on with his mission to bring us real Rock 'n' Roll. Chest pounding rhythms, and lyrics that mean as much to me now as they did when I was in school and trying to find my way through adolescence and into adulthood. I miss my friend but am thankful for the magic of the music that he has left behind. Through his music I can still find my way. There are lots of musicians but very few that have touched my life like Dave has. - Mark S.

GEEK TALK

Just as Zack Snyder wraps production on Watchmen and gets ready to bring it all together into an alternate universe, superhero showcase, 20th Century Fox is getting litigious. The Hollywood Reporter has posted that the company is preparing to battle Warner Brothers "over the rights to develop, produce, and distribute" the film based on the uber popular graphic novel. On Friday, Fox sued, claiming it holds all the rights. They say that between '86 and '90 they "acquired all movie rights to the 12-issue DC Comics series and screenplays by Charles McKeown and Sam Hamm." In '91, there was a quitclaim to Largo Int., but Fox retained "exclusive rights to distribute the first motion picture." Then, Largo dismantled, and the rights went to producer Lawrence Gordon. "Under a 'turnaround agreement' between Fox and Gordon, the producer agreed to pay a buy-out price to Fox if he entered into any agreement with another studio or third party to develop or produce Watchmen, among other things." They say that neither Gordon nor Warners paid out. Got all that straight? In other words, Fox said they had the rights and that producer Lawrence Gordon and WB didn't honor it like they should have. I imagine WB will do what they can to wrap this up quickly, and not let it interfere with the March 6, 2009 release date. At least, I hope so. Otherwise, they might get some masked vigilantes on their tails.

MOVIE BUZZ

Semi-Pro
As his afro-endowed character from the upcoming basketball comedy, Will Ferrell poses for several Sports Illustrated photos with a bikini-clad Heidi Klum. Too bad she couldn't have said "you're owuut" to him for blocking most of her hot body shots.
The Incredible Hulk
A toy advertisement gives us our first peek at the monstrous villain, the Abomination. I have a question, though. If Gamma radiation turns the Hulk green, what turned the Abomination brown? Irradiated poop?
Street Kings
For the first time since Speed, Keanu Reeves stars as a police officer — albeit a rogue one, as you can see in the trailer. So, you know how before he had to stop a speeding bus? Here, he's more apt to drive one over someone who gets in his way.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Our first look at Hugh Jackman back in his mutant persona is a picture of the actor posing with fans. I still find it ironic that a superhero with razors on the back of his hands can't trim his own sideburns.
G.I. Joe
English actor Christopher Eccleston is stepping in to play the Joe's arch nemesis, Destro, since Irish actor David Murray couldn't get a work visa for the States. Great. Another reason for Ireland to be mad at England.
Tunnel Rats
There's a gory and explosive trailer for Uwe Boll's latest, which oddly enough is his first American film that's not based on a video game. Well, don't worry. It'll still be just as sucky.
Tyrannosaurus Rex
On his MySpace blog, Rob Zombie announced that this would be the title for his next film, but that it will have absolutely nothing to do with dinosaurs. Personally, I'm hoping it'll be a biopic of '70s glam band T. Rex, because I can't get enough of dudes in spandex and sparkly makeup gettin' funky.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Before finally arriving in theaters on Valentine's Day, the trailer will debut that day on "Good Morning America". They'll be squeezing it in-between "breaking" news stories about how soda makes you fat and that hotel drinking glasses might have germs on them. (Yes, actual "news" stories this week.)
Star Trek
One day, Eric Bana says that his part as the Romulan Nero is just a "cameo," but the next he claims he just meant that his character isn't the focus of the film. Does this guy even know what movie he's working on? Yeesh, next thing you know he'll be telling us he doesn't know the difference between a tribble and a dilithium crystal.
The Spirit 2 & 3
Production company Lionsgatehas already signed writer/director Frank Miller to make two more sequels. Let's see, the first movie is about a mysterious guy who fakes his own death and deals out his own unique form of retribution. Is Lionsgate sure it wasn't just agreeing to make more Saw movies?

There you go, phans, a Valentine's Day Phile. I still want to hit 4000 views by Easter, and I think we have about 300 to go. If you noticed, I tried a new font in this week's entry. I think I like it better, but probably forget by next week and go back to the regular font. Until next week, spread the word, not the turd. Peace.

































































1 comment:

scottsoperson said...

mrs. obama said america is "just downright mean."

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