Thursday, April 5, 2007

Soixante-Neuf

Image:Felicien Rops 69.jpg

MOVIE BUZZ

Meet The Robinsons: Staring voices of Angela Bassett, Laurie Metcalf, Tom Selleck, Daniel Hansen, Jordan Fry, Stephen J. Anderson. An orphan in search of a home thinks he's found one in a future world that resembles what might happen if Oz and Tomorrowland oozed all over each other like a melting Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. What he also finds is a complicated time-travel issue, one whose solution will decide not only his own fate but the fates of the people (and frogs and robot and octopus) he meets along the way. Not counting the weirdly cool Teacher's Pet and the Pixar movies — which technically haven't been Disney films as we know them (I know, try telling that to kids) — I'm going to assert here that since the revival of Disney's reputation as a reliable animation studio with The Little Mermaid, there hasn't been a really great film from them since Lilo & Stitch tried to resurrect the beauty of the old-school watercolor style. And the glut of other studios making equally inferior product hasn't made anyone but money-counters happy. And now that I'm finished complaining about the past, you should know that this is the best animated Disney movie in years. Now, I like Wanda Sykes and Julia Roberts just fine, but I was getting really fed up with being force-fed those actors as whatever animal they were voicing in movie after movie. Here, the characters are allowed to come to you without the baggage of a famous name attached. Check the cast list above. Only three famous people. And you barely notice it's them when you're listening. More attention is paid to characters you can actually feel something for — and there's a significant emotional payoff to this one that doesn't feel forced or cheap at all — than to throwing soon-to-be-dated, unfunny, pop-culture joke after joke at the wall. It's rated G. I like that. I like that I can recommend this to my sister-in-law to take my four-year-old niece to without the poor woman worrying that she's going to have to deal with endless fart jokes and fifth-grader-level sexual innuendo. Most importantly, it achieves what Disney used to make seem effortless: a sense of wonder and joy.

Transformers: Giant robots goon a vehicular rampage in this cool slideshow. They must be mad that the price of gas is going up again, too.

Wallace And Gromit 2: Aardman Animation is setting up shop at Sony Pictures, so another film starring the nutty inventor and his dog is in the works. This is great news as long as they bring back the penguin from The Wrong Trousers as the villain.

National Treasure 2: Nicolas Cage is caught acting like a goof on the set. And if this film's anything like Ghost Rider, he'll be caught acting like a goof on camera as well.

X-Files 2: Gillian Anderson says a new movie is finally in the works, five years after the TV show went off the air. Yes, the truth is still out there. And that truth is that nobody really cares anymore.

Live Free Or Die Hard: Bruce Willis is all bruised and bloodied in these promo photos. And here I thought he had finally broken down and taken out Ashton Kutcher for dating Demi. Oh well. Also, they say the full movie trailer will debut with Grindhouse this weekend.

Only In New York: That dude who directed Catwoman, the single-named Pitof, is going to direct a new film with Jim Caviezel as a crook trying to go straight. Even he can't believe he got another job.

Iron Man: Robert Downey Jr. smooches Gwyneth Paltrow in these set photos. Not as thrilling as finally getting a glimpse of the superhero's body armor, but at least it's better than those pictures of boxes I was supposed to get all excited over last week.

Recount: Sydney Pollack's upcoming movie about "hanging chads" isn't going to be porno film. It's about the convoluted 2000 presidential election. My mistake.

Diggers: Watching the opening bit of this trailer, you might think it'll be about a cool family of grave robbers. But watch it a little bit more and you'll see you were sadly, sadly mistaken …

April Fools' Day: Joke posts were out in full force on the movie blogs on Sunday, including phony news about Peter Jackson directing a live-action Powerpuff Girls movie, Freddy Prinze Jr. starring as the Riddler in The Dark Knight, Brad Pitt quitting acting, a Saw remake and the one that actually fooled everyone: Pixar producing their first live-action film, John Carter, Warlord of Mars.

DAD

UNITENTIONALLY FUNNY COMIC BOOK PANELS

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HEROES

The long break for "Heroes" is nearly over, and to get people excited, NBC has released two video clips. This one is simply a scene between Mr. Bennett and Thompson as Thompson tries new tactics to find out where Claire is. This other scene reveals a new hero, so if you don't like spoilers, don't watch it! And if you're new to this whole "Heroes" thing or just have a lot of time on your hands, you can watch the first 18 episodes of "Heroes" online for free. NBC is streaming the entire season so far with "limited interruption" from various sponsors. "Heroes" returns April 23rd.

DOCTOR WHO

If I didn't know better, I'd suspect that the constant rumours concerning the fate of actor David Tennant as the current incarnation of "Doctor Who" is nothing more than a ploy to keep news about the show constantly appearing in the UK newspaper headlines and sustain interest in the new series. I now have another report, this time in The Guardian's Media Monkey column, which states that Tennant has indeed signed on for a third series, again, citing another "industry insider". The Sun had previously stated that Robert Carlyle (Trainspotting, 28 Weeks Later) would take over the role midway through the current series. There's still no official word from the BBC on Tennant's position, but it doesn't seem to make sense that he'd pack it in half-way through a series, unless there's a complex storyline which required him to vacate the role (such as The Master stealing one of his regenerations, perhaps....?).

LESSONS LEARNED FROM CARTOONS

CARTOON: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles LESSON: April O’Neil is really hot.  She’s got red hair, wears a sexy yellow jumpsuit and gets down with anthropomorphic pizza-fiends. Most girls want nothing to do with dudes that live in the sewers, but not April O’Neil. She doesn’t even mind hanging with that old man-rat wearing a pink kimono! This girl is a freak, for real. I’ve got one word for you dude: cowabunga. Cowabunga that chick in your underground lair all night long. How it affected us as adults: Mistakenly thought our girlfriend would be cool with it if we called them dude, ate nothing but pizza and wore a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle mask during sex.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1815: Mount Tambora erupts in what is now Indonesia, killing 12,000 and spewing eighty cubic kilometers of ash into the atmosphere at once. The blast is heard more than 900 miles away, and makes summer feel like winter in many parts of the world. 1944: The Nazis begin deporting jews from Hungary. 1949: Twenty newborn babies and 57 other people die as St. Anthony's Hospital in Effingham, IL is destroyed by fire. 1951: Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are sentenced to death for acts of treason, which in this case means giving atomic bomb secrets to the Soviet Union. 1990: London physician Raymond Crocket is removed from the medical register after it is shown that he paid for and removed kidneys from Turkish donors brought to England. 1994: Kurt Cobain blows his fucking head off. 1997: Allen Ginsberg dies. We are sure that Allen's work for NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association) has touched us all. 1998: "Hollywood is run by Jews; it is owned by Jews, and they should have a greater sensitivity about the issue of -- of people who are suffering. Because they've exploited -- we have seen the -- we have seen the Nigger and Greaseball, we've seen the Chink, we've seen the slit-eyed dangerous Jap, we have seen the wily Filipino, we've seen everything but we never saw the Kike. Because they knew perfectly well, that that is where you draw the wagons around." --Marlon Brando, on "Larry King Live"

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOSREALITY

After watching two hours of "The Amazing Race 11", I’m almost as exhausted as the teams were, and I didn’t even travel from one hemisphere to another. The two hours were full of lots of airline ticket drama, but they also had a few touching minutes as the teams visited Auschwitz. While they were well-behaved and legitimately moved by the experience, that didn’t stop them from acting like assclowns before and after their visit. Phil said, “Since flights to Warsaw are limited, teams have been provided with tickets on a flight scheduled to arrive the next day at 11:25 a.m. However, they are under no obligation to use the tickets.” Hello, equalizer. Working for hours to find flights, many of the teams decided to focus on preventing other teams from getting reservations rather than securing their own. “I don’t want you to share. You understand, my sister?” Mirna said condescendingly to a travel agent. Just a few minutes earlier, Mirna, Dustin, and Kandice managed to convince that agent to hang up the phone on Uchenna, who frustratingly said on the other end of the phone, “People are telling ‘em to hang the phone up. … Is there a small person with them?” The Amazing Race: All-Asses. Mirna was wearing a t-shirt under a sweater that said “This is what c looks like.” But the word starting with c was cut off by her sweater, so unless I missed it, the world will never know what c she was showing us. “I want you to do something besides bitch,” Eric told Danielle, who replied, “Your personality is absolutely irritation; I don’t know where it came from.” Eric said, “Well, you’ve never raced with me.” And Danielle replied, “No, obviously not. I’m surprised Jeremy didn’t kill you.” Well, he certainly didn’t sign up for a second race with Eric, did he? Bill and Joe left the pit stop at 7:01 p.m., almost 15 hours after Charla and Mirna first left. This time, though, their delay wasn’t because they were being cocky. And they caught a pre-booked flight and tied with Eric and Danielle, who also took that flight. At the airport in Kilimanjaro, where the four had to change planes, Joe freaked out when airport personnel told him they couldn’t get on the plane. “Radio the pilot, tell him we’re all here, we’re all ready to walk on, we’re wasting time.” Then he ran outside and started waving at the plane, screaming, “Let us on the plane!” His partner simply said, “I think he’s lost it.” In Poland, Charla adopted the odd accent she and Mirna adopt when speaking in English to non-English speakers and asked a cab driver, “You like Polish hot dogs? You like polish sausage?” The cab driver ignored her. “He doesn’t like us too much,” she said through clenched teeth. “No, I don’t think so,” Mirna said. Hey, maybe if you told him a Polish joke he’d be more conversational. “You know how to speak? You know how to talk?” Mirna asked some people, pointing at her lips. Then she told us, “It was frustrating to not understand why they wouldn’t reach out to two young girls asking for help. … Maybe they’ve never seen a little person.” Or, maybe they’ve never seen such a patronizing bitch before. “Oh, sorry,” Joyce said, closing a door, “I hear pianos.” But it would have been an odd place for a piano: “That’s a toilet,” Uchenna said. Oswald has his priorities: After a pianist gave him the clue, he and Danny hugged the man, and Oswald said, “If I were in town, I would ask for your number.” Phil told us, “With teams spread so far apart, Dustin and Kandice are beginning the eighth leg of the race while two teams have yet to finish the previous leg.” So much for equalizers. Joe and Bill were saved by the non-elimination leg, and Joe kissed Phil, who said, “careful where you’re going there.” Oh, Phil. You know you like affection from your teams. Fighting over a cup of coffee, Eric dismissed Danille and said, “Don’t worry; it won’t last much longer.” You mean your sham relationship with Danielle, Eric? Or your time on the race? At Auschwitz, the teams had to read a passage out loud about the genocide that occurred there, and then “observe a moment of silence.” The music quieted, and so did the teams. Oswald, Danny, Uchenna, and Joyce all checked in at the same time because there was an Intersection after their visit to the concentration camp, and they worked together to complete the Fast Forward. At the mat, Phil told them, “so guys, I have one prize to give away, and I’m going to leave it up to you as to who’s going to get it.” Oswald and Danny generously gave it to the other team, but come on, producers: it’s not like a tie was a surprise there. How about two prizes? It’s time for Guess the Detour Challenge Using Out-of-Context Quotations! Eric: “You have to eat 24 inches.” Mirna: “It’s so much bigger than I ever thought.” Kandice or Dustin: “Why is mine so much thicker than everybody else’s?” Eric: “Dani, can you eat that?” Bill: “Put it on, and just get it really long like he did and just keep squeezing it off.” Joe: “Yours hasn’t even gone down yet. I’m going to concentrate on Eric.” Give up? They weren’t at a brothel, but were instead making and then eating kielbasa sausage. “Ladies and gentleman, Miss California!” Eric said as Dustin vomited sausage. Then Charla, who we saw with vomit on her lips (!), started hurling into a bucket, and the other teams covered their ears. And I started dry heaving. Thanks, Amazing Race. “The one thing we know is Mirna can’t drive worth a damn,” Joe said. She also can’t negotiate. Trying to convince a taxi driver to show them they way, she said, “You think I’m made of money? I’m a young girl, I don’t have $100. You think I’m a millionaire?” The cab driver slammed the door on her and said, “bye bye,” and kept walking as Mirna cried, “Have a little bit of sympathy as a human being!” Tragically, he came back, falling for Mirna’s bullshit. For the Roadblock, a team member had to dress in knight’s armor and lead a horse around a castle. “She looked like a dressed-up rat,” Joe said of Charla, and it was kind of true. When she and her horse started walking in circles, it was especially funny, as was the moment when she fell flat on her face. Twice. At least she was wearing armor. Joe and Bill arrived fifth but had their 30-minute penalty for coming in last place, and thus were eliminated. “I’ve had a knight in shining armor for 20 years now,” Joe said. That was touching, but he wasn’t being poetic; Bill was standing next to him, wearing a metal suit.

DIG FOR NOSEBERRIES

Picky Michael Keaton does the polite pinky pull-pick in Santa Monica.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

Looks like Kenny Baker is finally getting too big for the part.

So, what did you think? Confused? Feeling like you're upside down? As this is the 69th entry of the Phile, I thought it would be fun to flip it. Soixante-neuf is 69 in French, which is really what the sexual position is called. Today was the first day of the International Flower And Garden Festival at Epcot, or as I like to call it, allergy season. It's not to be confused with the pansey festival in June. The president of Iran announced that he’s going to free the British hostages as an early Easter gift. As an extra bonus, the Iranian president said he’s going to throw in a case of marshmallow Peeps. Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is angry at the press. Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Then Giuliani added, "I mean just this wife. It’s open season on the first two.” The Vatican may canonize Pope John Paul II because since he’s passed away, people have been praying to him and he’s already been credited with three miracles. So far, the Pope’s biggest miracle has been keeping Sanjaya from being voted off "American Idol.” A Spice Girls reunion concert may be in the works. But Posh Spice, Scary Spice, and the others are demanding $10 million. The $10 million price tag was thought up by the group’s newest member, Delusional Spice. President Bush had a big press conference in the Rose Garden. President Bush was asked if he knew the current price of a gallon of gasoline. And Bush’s answer was within a few pennies. Which isn’t surprising since Bush spends most of the day watching "The Price Is Right.” In New Jersey, firemen had to use a crane to remove a 700-pound woman from her house. The woman is doing fine, but the crane is in critical condition. In Los Angeles this weekend, shot were fired at a party following the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Police said they were going to apprehend whoever was involved and give them a time out.

Well, that's about it. Check out the Phile's Myspace page where I added a background of Port Jeff harbor where I grew up. And the Phile's Webshots page where I am always adding new pics. This weekend we'll be staying at the Nickelodeon Hotel which should be lots of fun. I am sure to post pictures on Webshots next week of myself getting slimed. have a good Easter and the Phile will be back next Thursday. Also, the Phile has less then 500 views to go before it hits 2000! Spread the word, not the turd.

 

 

 

1 comment:

trel67 said...

LOL.... you confused me!  Though it's not that hard these days.  Ill be updating Storytime now.

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