Hello, Phile Phans, how are you? Like the title of this entry says, this is the last blog done on a shitty computer. Today I purchased an iMac! So, next week's entry will be done on a brand new computer, and I hope you'll notice a difference. The computer is still in the box and I wanted to write the blog instead of setting it up. I am loyal to my Phans. Well, now that it’s official: What am I going to do with Anna Nicole’s baby? How about that Don Imus thing? He apologized to the Rutgers’ women’s basketball team . . . and in my life, I’ve had to apologize to women, but it’s usually in bed. If I were Don Imus, I wouldn’t be saying anything about other people’s hair. The White House wants to appoint a high-powered official to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and issue directions to the Pentagon and the State Department . . . This person would be called the president of the United States. House Speaker Pelosi announced she’s considering taking another controversial trip, this time to Iran. And even worse, when she gets back, she’s going fishing with Don Imus. A producer has been fired from CBS News because Katie Couric taped a story for the news that turned out to be plagiarized from The Wall Street Journal. Viewers became suspicious when they noticed that Couric was reading the story directly out of The Wall Street Journal. Rudy Giuliani got into trouble because of that presidential question that he was asked — what was the price of a gallon of milk. That’s the question that shows you know the common people. That doesn’t bother me. What I want to know is, Does the president know the price of the war in Iraq? Car manufacturers are making cars that change colors. Blue car means you’re depressed . . . red car means you’re angry . . . a rainbow-colored car means . . . . you like to drive on the other side of the road . . . An image of the Virgin Mary appeared in a tree along the Mexican border. Not surprisingly, the tree snuck into the U.S. two weeks ago. Baseball experts say that, last week, cold weather caused the number of homeruns to plunge to its lowest level since 1993. In fact, Barry Bonds said, "My ass is so frozen, I can’t even get the needle in.” Nice celebrity story: Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest recently traveled to one of the poorest villages in Africa to visit with the children. The first thing the African children said was, "What’s the frickin’ deal with Sanjaya!?!” In a new interview with George Michael announced that despite repeated requests, he will never be part of a reunion with the ‘80s group Wham!. In case you’re curious, the repeated requests all come from the other guy in Wham!. California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to appear on the show "Pimp My Ride.” This is, of course, great news for fans of the show, but bad news for the guy who does the closed captioning. The other day in Los Angeles a woman was arrested after she was caught trying to sneak into Tom Cruise’s house. When Katie Holmes saw the woman, she told her, "Be careful — it’s easy to get in, impossible to get out.” Saw this in the paper today. In Alaska, scientists have caught a fish that is at least a hundred years old. Not surprisingly they found it at a Long John Silvers. By the way, this week's Phile is sponsored by Hallmark. "Face it, you'll never come up with anything clever on your own."
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
He has no chance.
Ninjas, historically, didn't wear black. For nighttime operations, they wore dark blues, dark grays, and browns. Although most people believe Napoleon was short, he was actually five feet six inches tall, an average height for a Frenchman in those days. The idea that it is dangerous to wake a sleepwalker is a myth. Nonalcoholic beer isn't. Most brands of non-alcoholic beer contain about .5% alcohol. Even though you might think so, America is not the world's top producer of feature films. That honor goes to India. The "v" in the name of a court case does not stand for "versus," but for "and" (in civil proceedings) or "against" (in criminal proceedings). White paws on cats are commonly called "boots" when, in fact, they are actually referred to as "gloves." Chastity belts were not originally imposed to keep people from having sex. They were intended to keep youngsters, of both sexes, from masturbating. Contrary to popular belief, gladiators were lousy fighters in real combat. They were trained solely for arena fighting. On the actual battlefield, their skills were mediocre. Potatoes weren't originally grown as food. They were grown for use as ornamental decorations. Shoemakers are commonly called "cobblers," but correctly speaking, a cobbler is a shoe repairman. A shoemaker is a "cordwainer." Teddy Roosevelt's Rough Riders didn't ride, ever, during the Spanish-American War. In fact, they weren't Teddy's. He was second in command. Despite what you might think, just 20% of the Sahara is covered with sand.The rest is rocky. The nose isn't the only thing that the Sphinx is missing. It once had a royal beard, a cobra emblem, and other pieces of masonry. Bits of what is left of the beard are in the British Museum. Ducks are never male. The males of the species are called drakes. The day after Thanksgiving is reported to be the "busiest shopping day of the year," but it's not true. In terms of sales, the highest sales day of the year is usually either the last Saturday before Christmas or December 23. The first umbrellas weren't intended to protect people from the rain. They were invented by the ancient Egyptians to shield them from the sun.
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
Teams bit into thousands of cookies, one team was completely forgotten, and another team got Yielded, yet overall, last night’s episode of "The Amazing Race 11" was pretty boring. With five episodes to go, these all-stars better start shining. See? It’s even affecting my ability to write engaging metaphors. “We don’t resort to dirty game play like that. We really depend on our skills to get us through,” Mirna said, foreshadowing a moment when she would do the exact opposite. When Eric asked Mirna and Charla if they’d give up one of the two computers they were using to search for plane tickets, Mirna refused. Later, as retribution, Eric wouldn’t let Mirna cut them in line. But then Mirna told us, “Touche, he has a point.” At least she’s aware of her hypocrisy. Now if she’d only realize that she’s an ass. Uchenna and Joyce booked a flight that Danny and Oswald decided not to take because it had a tight connection. “We’re optimistic about it. Things should work out. Our life depends on it,” Uchenna said. Despite the commercial break, which usually ends with a turnaround for the team in crisis, they missed their connection, and were left trying to find another flight. “They definitely don’t need a StairMaster in their country,” Charla said while climbing stairs in Kuala Lumpua, as if America lacks stairs. Dustin and Kandice appeared to have taken the wrong train and bus, but managed to beat Eric and Danielle, and Oswald and Danny, to the clue box. “It’s pure strategy; it’s nothing personal,” one of the blondes said after Yielding Eric and Danielle. “Those dirty, dirty hookers,” Eric said, and told Danielle they got Yielded “because they’re dirty pirate hookers.” Why is not surprising that Eric’s reference point for women are those who have to be paid for sex and steal your money? A crowd watched Charla and Mirna open 600 boxes of cookies (each of which contained at least a dozen cookies, and probably many more), bite into them, and let the cookie’s crumbles fall out of their mouth. They were searching for a single cookie with a licorice center, and as spit-out cookies piled up, someone screamed, “Go Charla!” Mirna explained, “We have a lot of fans, it turns out, here in Malaysia, that recognize us, and they really boost our egos.” Mirna, try that sentence again, replacing the “we” with “Charla.” “You should have no problem with getting free newspaper,” a man told Kandice. “The way you look, yeah,” he said, and it almost seemed like he was saying that it was not because of her stunning good looks, but because she looked like a homeless person in need of shelter. Oswald revealed one of his greatest fears, and it was not being thrown off a building. “Want me to ride a horse, I’m happy. Throw me from a building, I’m fine. Bicycles, I simply don’t like them,” he said. Danny, however, didn’t like Oswald, riding away on the bike saying, “Hating you!” over and over again. “Does anybody have a rope so I can hang myself?” Oswald asked. Even when they’re angry, they’re funnier than Saturday Night Live. Dustin or Kandice—I can only tell them apart when one uses the other’s name—said “I smell Phil” as they ran to the mat. That made me wonder: What does Phil smell like? I think it’s a combination of a day spa, the beach, and funnel cakes. Mirna told a boy who helped her, “Stay out of drugs, go to schools, be a professional, and you’re in good shape.” And be sure to learn English in schools. “Every Roadblock that is designed for a guy, I am doing. And every Roadblock for a girl, Eric’s got. He’s a woman,” Danielle complained, as if she didn’t even watch "The Amazing Race 9". Oswald and Danny arrived at the pit stop last, but Phil simply said they were in fourth place. What? That’s when the editors cut back to Uchenna and Joyce, who I’d completely forgotten were still racing. Their fist clue told them to “travel by taxi to the next pit stop,” where Phil eliminated them, but offered comfort by saying, “you have won this race before.” Good thing Phil doesn’t officiate at funerals, where he’d probably say, “you still have one parent left.”
TODAY IN HISTORY
1945: Franklin D. Roosevelt, the only president ever elected to four terms of office, dies of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, GA. The following day, Vice President Harry S. Truman assumes the post and is told for the first time about the Manhattan Project. 1960: Eric Peugeot, 4-year-old son of the auto manufacturer, is kidnapped in Paris. The child is later freed after a $300,000 ransom is paid. Ultimately, the perpetrators are caught and sent to prison. 1961: Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Alexeyevich Gargarin is the first man in space, aboard Vostok I. 1988: U.S. patent 4,736,866 is granted to Harvard University for a genetically-modified mouse, engineered to be particularly susceptible to carcinogens. The cancer-prone "Harvard Oncomouse" is the world's first patented creature, and perhaps also the most screwed. 1989: 1960s counterculture icon Abbie Hoffman kills himself by overdosing on barbituates. 1992: EuroDisney opens to the public, attracting a meager 50,000 visitors. Expectations had been about ten times as many. This underwhelming response by the European public will continue for more than a year. Finally, after 18 months of retooling, the resort is ultimately rechristened Disneyland Paris. 1994: The US Tax Court rules that Indiana exotic dancer Chesty Love can claim a $2,088 tax credit for depreciation on her 56FF breast implants. The judge found that Love's surgical augmentation did in fact increase her income, also that she was unable to derive any personal benefit from them, as the oversized mammaries "contorted her body into a grotesque appearance." 1995: To celebrate David Letterman's 49th birthday, actress Drew Barrymore climbs atop the Late Night desk and flashes her bosomy protuberances at the man. 1995: The Hong Kong Eastern Express reports that China sanctions the consumption of aborted human fetuses as a "health benefit." One practitioner willing to admit a taste for this is Dr. Zou Qin of the Luo Hu Clinic, who boasts having consumed more than 100 meals of human veal -- stew and soup, mostly. 2007: The Peverett's buy an iMac.
ROBOTS I EXPECTED TO EXIST BY NOW
We were promised robots. Crazy electronic sidekick or death-dealing automaton of doom, we didn’t care, as long as the future shaped up to be the awesome electronic robo-battle we’d dreamed of as children. Flash forward 20 years and all we have are sorry, non-robotic pieces of supposedly innovative crap, such as “hybrid cars,” “iPods,” and “hope for the AIDs vaccine.” Consider the below list a sort of report card, so modern scientists can see exactly how far they are from fulfilling the promises of our childhood. Johnny Five fromShort Circuit: Sure, he might be a little obnoxious, not to mention he has the dubious honor of sharing a marquee with 1980s staple Steve Gutenberg. But he scores points for looking like a robot that could actually, you know, “exist.” Also, when he gets angry, his eyes go “destruction red” and he blows stuff up with a laser. Which is classic robot! Lisa from Weird Science: To this day, I'm not sure exactly what the hell Kelly LeBrock’s character was supposed to be in this film, but I'm pretty sure computers were involved, making her at least quasi-robotic. ED-209 from RoboCop: Forget that whiny, morally conflicted do-gooder hero (who was really more of a man in a robot suit anyways), this big guy was the real star of the show. Save for some minor weaknesses (“stairs”), he’s my pick in a fight any day. KITT: Take Mr. Bevledere, add a splash of Stephen King’s Christine, a shot of one of the guys from "The A-Team" and two shots of some exceedingly strange man/car sexual tension, and you’ve got one of the most mysterious robots of all time. It’s a little known fact that KITT was not actually a special effect, but a fully functional robotic car. However, to protect the secret of the car’s existence, Hasselhoff rounded up entire cast and crew of "Knight Rider" along with their families, and killed them with his bare hands. Data: He’s super strong, fast, and smart, in a pretty standard, robot-y way, but what’s endearing is that he really just wants to be one of the guys. Also, he does this thing where he uses the computer by moving his hands really, really fast, which is pretty cool. The Terminator: Sometimes, a robot just has to want to destroy all humans, are we right? Also, whether that heavily accented man from the future is here to protect or eliminate us, at least our long-standing Christ complex is finally validated.
UNITENTIONALLY FUNNY COMIC BOOK PANELS
Superman Returns 2: Orlando Bloom was overheard talking about Supes' sequel with director Bryan Singer in Hollywood this week. Yeah, Orlando kinda looks like this dude.
Red State: When is a horror movie not a horror movie? When Kevin Smith says it's not about zombies or serial killers but a preacher in the mold of the controversial Rev. Fred Phelps. If you're not familiar with Fred, watch this nasty piece.
Postal: Uwe Boll, the auteur behind Bloodrayne and House of the Dead, has directed the first 9/11 comedy. Watch this for a real hoot (not). Or if shooting little kids is your idea of hysterics, here's the "secret UNRATED" trailer.
The Christmas Cottage: Jared Padalecki is all set to star as artist Thomas Kinkade in a movie based on one of his paintings. A painting? Man, if they're going to do that, why not make one about those dogs playing poker?
The Birds: After offending nobody by producing remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Amityville Horror, Michael Bay will try harder by taking on Alfred Hitchcock's classic about fowl gone wild.
Super Max: Wrongly convicted superhero Green Arrow will go to prison to fight "all sorts of B and C supervillains," including the Tickler and General Glass Jaw. Ah, they shouldn't be too hard to beat.
Lynch: If you ever wondered if David Lynch is as bizarre as his films, watch some footage from an upcoming documentary about the oddball director. (P.S.: The answer = yes.)
Well, the time has come, it's an end of an era...I mean error. For 70 entries, I have written the Phile on a shitty hp computer that is full of viruses and spy ware and more pop up's than the Playboy Mansion. Starting next week the Phile will be done on a brand new iMac. I will make a few changes to the Phile to make it even better as well. Also, we are getting close to reaching 2000 entries by June. Check out the Phile's Myspace site and Webshots page where I added tons of pics from our stay last weekend at the Nick Hotel. Until next time, spread the word, not the turd.