Don't tell me that you're above it, you might as well learn to love it. It's just a natural obsession, keep your mouth full. The sky is thick with the fuse wire, you think it's safe in your room. Hoping the very next boom won't be the big one. Take everything you can and run, that's the way it's done. What's on your shoulders must weigh a ton, that's for having fun. Shoot all of those bullets out of that gun, now before they explode inside you. Come home with a pack of dioxin, we need brand names on our toxins. For people who's lives are boxed in, just like ours are. You don't have to shoot your mouth off, but, please don't cough. You don't have to sell your soul just to admit it. Take everything you can and run, that's the way it's done. Don't think of this world it's gone, that's for having fun. You might not be here when the sun, gets pulled out of the sky above you. Don't tell me that you're above it, you might as well learn to love it. It's just a natural obsession, keep your mouth full. Take everything you can and run, that's the way it's done. What's on your shoulders must weigh a ton, and blots out the sun. Shoot all of those bullets out of that gun now before they explode inside you.
Hello, and welcome to another entry of the Phile. Get this, this Sunday my son Logan will be seven years old. That's SEVEN. Time sure flies, you know? It seems just like yesterday I was reading my Star Wars novel, sitting comfortably, eating chicken sandwiches, while my wife went through 25 hours of labor. Good times, good times. People are upset at a botched joke John Kerry said during one of his speeches. Kerry was stunned. "People listen to my speeches?!” President Bush demanded that Kerry apologize for his remarks. What a change. President Bush addressing someone for stumbling on their words. John Kerry did apologize today. He also went on to say he was drunk at the time and entered rehab. Oil is now down to $58 per barrel. If my calculations are correct this means that Election Day is less than a week away. Get it now! After Tuesday you’re screwed! Over the past weekend we set clocks back. Republicans enjoyed this because it meant being in power for one more hour. Last Tuesday was Halloween. Halloween is the scariest day of the year – unless you’re a Republican, then it’s next Tuesday. Dick Cheney said the other day that he thinks Hillary Clinton has the stuff to be president. Hey, he also thought the same thing about President Bush. The Panama Canal is going to be widened. Well of course – with all the fat ass buffets on the cruise ships these days, they had to. An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from the playground. They’re afraid that the game could affect children’s self esteem. This also could prevent the spread of "kooties”. It’s the 120th birthday of Statue of Liberty this week. She’s the tallest, oldest woman in the New York City – except for Sigourney Weaver. Here’s some inside showbiz news. There’s lots of troubles at NBC. As many as700 employees will be fired at NBC. Things are so bad that the NBC peacock was found in a KFC bucket today. The War in Iraq is now costing $4 billion a week. That’s slightly less than Paul McCartney’s divorce. Up in Washington, President Bush has approved a plan to build a 700 mile fence on a portion of the Mexican border. He said he also knows where he can find some cheap labor to build it. A long fence on the border. Something like this I just hope Halliburton can get some money out of the deal. Be nice to see something go their way for a change. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married next month in Italy. Their wedding is going to be at the Leaning Tower of Publicity. Tom Cruise is a thrifty and shrewd guy. To save money on the wedding he’s going to stand on the cake. And finally, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe are getting a divorce. I just want to say, Reese, if you want a shoulder to cry on, I'm here baby. I'll show you what a real man could do. Just give me a minute, I have to kick Sara Evans out first. Hey, if my wife can have Jon Bon Jovi and Keith Urban, then I can have Evans and Witherspoon.
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
Today I’m going to start with the end of The Amazing Race 10, although there will be no spoiler. That’s because I did not see the end. Once again, because of football’s inability to stick to a damn schedule, the episode started late. Upon discovering that my DVRed recording of this week’s episode actually started with 60 Minutes (ugh, all that talking), I realized I’d have to record Cold Case, too, in order to catch the race’s spill-over. That wasn’t a big deal, really. But once my 8 to 9 p.m. recording ended, I switched to the recording of Cold Case, and naturally, my DVR decided right then to take choke on itself and reboot for five minutes, thus stopping the recording process right when the teams were racing to the mat. If Phil made funny faces, I missed them, and for this, I blame you, Indianapolis and Denver football teams. Here’s what I did see: Dustin and Kandice worked diligently this week to eliminate stereotypes about Miss America pageant contestants. Booking tickets to Mauritius, Dustin and Kandice learned they’d have to fly through London. “Ask him what country that’s in,” one said to the other. Later, Dustin decided that the men who told them London was in England “are not the brightest bulbs,” so they went elsewhere in search of tickets. Lyn and Karlyn and Tyler and James got into one of those stupid, pointless fights that just made everyone look like asshats. The blondes told the ticket agent that the models are “with us,” even though Lyn and Karlyn arrived before the models. Tyler fought with Karlyn, and even offensively imitated her body language as he said, “That’s the most you’ve talked all trip, so shut up. …Say something smart.” Not only is he a model and a former junkie, he’s also a dick. David and Mary, Lyn and Karlyn, and Erwin and Godwin have formed an alliance known as the “Six Pack,” although they used to be called the “Back Pack” (as in, they always come in the back of the pack while the more dysfunctional couples zoom ahead). Of course, with all the talk about the alliance being strong, it was just a mater of time before it began to give way. “Dave, we gotta find the Six Pack,” Mary said, waiting at the airport, even though Lyn and Karlyn had already taken off. I’m only going to say this once, and then I’ll deny ever saying it: I kind of miss Peter and Sarah. Learning that they’d have to swim to a boat to retrieve a clue, David shared a story about being traumatized in the water when he was a kid, and Mary explained that, in the South, trying to drown one’s kid is perfectly acceptable. “Where we live, people do that,” she said. “As a rite of passage, you throw the kids out into the lake and make ‘em swim.” That rite of passage comes right before they teach kids how to cross streets by throwing them into oncoming traffic. Godwin told us that only “a bitter and cynical person” would think they allied themselves with two weaker teams in order to ensure that they’d always be safe. Instead, he said, they’d be stronger if they stick together. Stronger, and last: the teams stayed together, but they were also the bottom three as a result. Sometimes Tyler gets a little snickety,” James said, marking the first time in the history of the planet that an reportedly straight man has used that word non-ironically. Rob and Kimberly had a relationship meltdown when their car stalled. “I can’t get the car into gear,” Rob said, and then quickly gave up. “You do it; I’m done,” he said, storming off. Then when Kimberly offered to try, he completed his transformation into his alter-ego, SuperAss, and said, “You’re not going to magically do that.” Dustin hit a bus with their car, although they continued to drive their car with the smashed headlight and bumper. “That’s the first accident I’ve ever had in my life,” she told us. That’s impressive, because I’ll bet she thinks those green and red lights hanging over the road are just decorations for Christmas. At one point, a team opened a clue envelope, and the text on the card appeared to be blurred out. There was no Roadblock this week, but as Wade on Birmingham noticed, CBS’ web site shows a photo with Dustin and Kandice clearly holding a Roadblock clue. Obviously, there was a task that we didn’t get to see. After retrieving a clue, Rob and Kimberly started bickering again. (“No, calm down, you’re freaking out right now. You’re losing it.”) The best part, however, came when Kimberly screamed, “What are you doing?” Rob screamed back, “I fell!”, as he had, in fact, tripped and fallen, and was sprawled out on the ground, where he deserves to be. Speaking of falling, the producers set up a trap on an island that was part of the Detour. “I feel like Indiana Jones right now,” one of the blondes said after falling into a pit filled with hay. Despite their stupidity, Dustin and Kandice stayed in first place for most of the race, and checked in first. They won motorbikes, which Phil suggested could “carry a passenger, so you can take a date out if you want.” One of the blondes asked him, “Can I take you, Phil?” He said, “um,” sort of like someone would say “um” if you offered to infect them with genital warts. I missed everything after their victory, as my DVR kicked in again right as the credits started to roll. Next week’s preview, however, introduced a new game element (the “Intersection”), and included all teams, thus confirming that this was the second non-elimination leg. Whatever crazy person updated this season’s Wikipedia entry within moments of the show concluding identified David and Mary as the team that placed last and were marked for elimination yet again. It’s just too bad we can’t mark Kimberly and Rob for an intervention.
THERE IS A GOD
A new fast food is making its debut at U.S. fairs this fall -- fried Coke. Abel Gonzales, 36, a computer analyst from Dallas, tried about 15 different varieties before coming up with his perfect recipe -- a batter mix made with Coca-Cola syrup, a drizzle of strawberry syrup, and some strawberries. Balls of the batter are then deep-fried, ending up like ping-pong ball sized doughnuts which are then served in a cup, topped with Coca-Cola syrup, whipped cream, cinnamon sugar and a cherry on the top. "It tastes great," said Sue Gooding, a spokeswoman for the State Fair of Texas where Gonzales' fried Coke made its debut this fall. "It was a huge success." Gonzales ran two stands at the State Fair of Texas and sold up to 35,000 fried Cokes over 24 days for $4.50 each -- and won a prize for coming up with "most creative" new fair food. Now other fairs in North Carolina and Arizona are following the trend, and other people are trying to emulate Gonzales' recipe. Gonzales gave no indication of the calories in his creation and said he would not patent it. "The best I can hope for is that it's the original and hopefully the best fried Coke out there," he said. But Gonzales said the success of his fried Coke had inspired him. Next year's fair-goers can look forward to fried Sprite or -- for those watching their weight -- fried diet Coke. "We are trying to cut a lot of the sugar out of it. It has less calories but it's still very, very sweet," he said. Ray Crockett, a spokesman for Coca-Cola Co., said: "We're constantly amazed at the creative ways folks find to enjoy their Coke and make it part of celebrations like fairs and festivals. This is one is definitely different!"
Adrian Pasdar, who plays aspiring congressman Nathan Petrelli in NBC's hitSF drama Heroes, said that the audience will finally meet his character's wife, played by Rena Sofer, in the upcoming seventh episode. "The relationship there was predicated, I think, on a common understanding of what it would take to be a politician's wife and all of the things that go along with that," Pasdar said in a conference call with journalists on Oct. 31. "And love, of course, factored in, I think, heavily in the beginning as well." Pasdar, whose character has the ability to fly, also hinted (warning, spoilers ahead!) that a tragic accident will cause some strife between the couple, but will also provide some clues to the show's ongoing mystery. "There's a sense of guilt that's permeated Nathan's existence since this accident, which we get into in episode ... nine or 10," he said. "Which is an accident which Nathan feels guilty for. And it also is an accident that shows something that we can't really talk about it too much. We get information from this accident on a few fronts, not just the one that explains why she's in a wheelchair."
Heroes has proven to be one of the highest-rated new shows this fall, and has already received a full-season commitment from NBC. If the show continues to be successful, Pasdar said he has a clear idea of where he'd like to take the character in the future. "Ultimately, when you're in the game of politics, and you're a fellow like Nathan Petrelli, I mean, there's only one seat, ultimately, that you're looking for, and that's behind a desk in a little place called the Oval Office," he said. "So as we take our journey, and hopefully we have the chance to be on the air for a number of years, I think we may find ourselves in the White House, and where that dynamic with that family fits in to the family that he has now ought to be very interesting." Heroes airs on NBC Mondays at 9 p.m. PT/ET.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1974: The Time Go-Go Club in Seoul, South Korea burns, killing 78. Six of the victims jumped six floors to their deaths. After the fire started, club officials barred the doors, suspecting a ruse by customers to avoid paying. 1984: Velma Barfield, convicted of killing her mother, her boyfriend and two others with rat poison in their food was put to death by lethal injection in Raleigh, N.C. Barfield was the first female executed in the US since 1962. 1988: The Internet Worm is released by Cornell grad student Robert Morris. His ingenious program was meant to explore the Internet harmlessly, but due to a bug, it crashed some 6,000 computers. Spaf parlays the incident into a career. 1995: The image of Jesus Christ appears to many people in a photo taken by the Hubble space telescope, depicting a gigantic gas plume 7000 light years from Earth. Some CNN viewers pointed out the image resembles Gene Shalit more than the Lord Saviour.
Python Gulps Down Queen-Size Electric Blanket. It took surgery to save a 12-foot Burmese python after it swallowed an entire queen-size electric blanket - with the electrical cord and control box. Veterinarians Karsten Fostvedt, above, and Barry Rathfon performed the two-hour operation.
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
Samuel L. Jackson may have used a purple lightsaber, but that does NOT mean that you can pull off lavender robes, buddy.
Spider-Man 3: If it's Mysterio, he may just appear as a character played by Bruce Campbell in a movie within the movie, a scene in which Peter Parker walks onto the set of a big-screen adaptation of his own life. If there's a movie within the movie-within-a-movie, I'll be really confused.
Time Bandits: They should hire Terry Gilliam to direct the remake — that way it'll never get done.
Se7ven Prequel: It's a prequel without any of the original stars. Darn it — I was hoping they'd have to sew Gwyneth's head back on.
Because I Said So: There are enough butt/underwear combos in the trailer to suit any taste: Mandy Moore, Piper Perabo, Lauren Graham and Diane Keaton. You know, for a chick flick, there's a strange lack of guy butts.
Halo: Good riddance — sorry, gamers, but you're the only ones who want to see a movie about a cyborg in green armor. We don't need another Doom.
The Dead Girl: For a movie with such a cheery title, the trailer is pretty damn depressing.
Blondie Movie: It's too late to jump on the bandwagon when you think Kirsten Dunst playing Debbie Harry is a good idea.
Well, that's it for another entry. Remember to spread the word and not the turd. Now to get Logan to bed.