Oh what have you done with your life, oh please don't tell me. Just shut up and go to work cause you're interrupting me. I won't represent the U.S. in the summer Olympics.
My character's questionable, my life is a broken record. I'm keeping my mouth shut, I'm running on radio silence, I'm letting the record speak, I'm shredding the document, the switchboard is lighting up, I'm not taking anymore calls, well maybe from Larry King. I doctored the evidence, yeah it was a cover up, I want to stay wrapped in my blanket and never get out of bed. You know what my father said, well I'm not going to tell you. Some words that I try to live by, it's none of your goddamn business. I'm shredding the document, the switchboard is lighting up, I'm not taking anymore calls, well maybe from Oprah Winfrey.
Hello, and welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile. President Bush just began a seven-day trip through Asia. So far, everywhere he’s gone in Asia he’s been met by thousands of protesters. President Bush may be the first American to be greeted with the phrase, "We hate you long time.” President Bush just announced that next month he will host a White House conference on malaria. Bush told reporters, "I’m looking forward to meeting the Marlarians.” Lawyers in Germany are trying to have Donald Rumsfeld arrested and tried for war crimes. You know things are bad when Germany is accusing you of war crimes. This weekend, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in a lavish ceremony – and Holmes will be wearing a perfume that costs $2,400 an ounce. The perfume is called "Eau de Giant Charade.” Eva Longoria is angrily denying rumors that she will be playing Beyonce’s lesbian lover in a movie. So know one knows if the movie is real or just a dream I had. O.J. Simpson is going to appear in a Fox special called: "If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened.” Then O.J. will appear in a rebuttal special called: "But Perhaps I Didn’t Do It – Unless Of Course By ‘It’ You Mean ‘Double Murder’ – In Which Case Yes: I Did It.” Soon Nancy Pelosi will be the most powerful woman in the country. Unless you count Oprah. Three out of five Americans don’t think the Democrats have a plan for Iraq. Democrats were stunned when they heard this. Two people think we have a plan?! The CIA is now sayingthat Borat misled them on the facts in going into Iraq. Borat was actually punched by a guy in New York. Borat went up to talk to him and got hit. In the guy’s defense when he turned around, he saw a reporter with a mustache and just thought it was Geraldo. A new James Bond movie is out. Casino Royale. This about how Bond gets started and gets his license to kill. A license to kill. After Blake, O.J. and Spector that’s not so special anymore. This week, a restaurant in Arizona began selling The Quadruple Bypass Burger. It has four slabs of beef weighing two lbs., three cheese layers, four bacon rashers, lettuce and tomato. Then, to help you get to your car, they take the grease from the bacon and rub it on the doorways. Sunday night Kevin Federline was performing a concert when he went off on his divorce and said "F" Britney. Fortunately, no one in the audience was offended because there was no one in the audience. Sources say the prenup Britney Spears made Kevin Federline sign is 60 pages long. The first page handles who gets the money and the next 59 pages handle who gets the trucker hats. Wal-Mart announced they're coming out with their own brand of wine. Wal-Mart's wine comes in red or white trash, as well as 12- or 16-ounce cans. According to a new report, the most frequently delayed flight in the country is Delta's 6:30 flight from New York to Washington, D.C. - which is late 100 percent of the time. Delta officials plan to fix the problem with the 6:30 flight by re-naming it the "7:30 flight." I have some good news about the health of Fidel Castro – it got worse! Castro isn’t expected to make it much past 2007. He’s worth almost $900 million. Today Anna Nicole Smith was seen paddling to Cuba. Wal-Mart will allow employees to say "Merry Christmas” this year. This year they can do that. They learned how to speak English. And finally, to My Conservative Brothers and Sisters, I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand. Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. The millions who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what they plan to do with the newfound power -- and, to be specific, what they will do to you and for you. Thus, here is the Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives: Dear Conservatives and Republicans, my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you: 1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us. 2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift. 3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you. 4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie. 5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too. 6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water. 7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you. 8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived. 9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too. 11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world. 12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition. I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
Traveling from Madagascar to Finland, the teams on The Amazing Race 10 had to ski or slog their way through mud, and rappel face-first down the tower at Helsinki Olympic Stadium. The mud-slogging was a good metaphor, as this episode seemed to drag pretty substantially—especially considering that it had no elimination at the end and no real cliffhanger. While we’re waiting for Phil to return and spike a team, here are the few stupid things teams said this week: Phil said they had to check laptops “to discover a surprise in their AOL e.mail.” Apparently, he meant a surprise other than an inbox full of spam and e.mail messages from friends asking, “Why the hell do you still have an AOL e.mail account? Are you functionally impaired?” Here’s a bunch of Tyler and James’ dialogue, condensed and edited to remove some phrases; most of this was spoken while James was on Tyler’s back spanking him: “I think that James does appreciate … that I get on … sometimes … but I think he knows it comes from a loving place from me.” … “You got it buddy. Push through it.” … “This sucks.” … “So deep. It’s deep; it’s deep, just…” … “You’ll get out.” … “Arrgh.” … “Let’s go.” … “Come on. You wanna switch? No.” … “Yes, yes!” “You gotta push.” … “Aw, man. Come on, bro. You gotta dig for it.” … “Let’s change.” … “Look at that, dude. That is crazy.” … “Goin’ deep.” … “Coming out’s a bitch.” … “There you go. Check in there. That’s what I like to see.” … “Yeah, hammertime.” … “This is going very, very smoothly right now.” … “James is going to have a rough time. He’s going to be frozen. That was sick!” … “Lean all the way forward, bro, towards me. ” … “Lean forward into it.” … “Hurts, bro.” … “Oh my god!” Surprise, surprise, Kimberly and Rob fought over nothing in a cab when Kimberly asked Rob to stop repeating directions. “For the sake of our team,” he said, “stop telling me to do.” Rob, for the sake of all of us, shut the hell up. As James and Tyler passed the blondes in a taxi, there was a nice shot of the sound guy sitting next to them, headphones on. Later, in the cave, a camera operator was visible in silhouette for a second. It’s so easy to forget that teams are crammed into the back seat of cabs with a third person, and it’s impressive we almost never see anyone except the teams. Smearing cream on his face aboard a train, Tyler said, “Moisturizer’s very important. It says, ‘I like my face. And I care to keep it for a year or two.’” Some nice people waiting for a cab let Rob and Kimberly jump to the front of the line, but they lost their patience when Lyn and Karlyn arrived. “Please. There is a queue. There are a long queue,” a guy who looked exactly like George Plimpton said. Introducing the Detour task, a waders-clad Phil stood in mud and, as someone demonstrated jumping into the mud and crawling through it, Phil flinched and looked at the guy, saying via his facial expressions,“Is it really necessary for you to splash so dramatically?” Rob might be an ass, but at least he recognizes that he acts like a two-year-old. After he and Kimberly missed a train, he decided they’d just lost the race. “We’ll get on the next one!” Kimberly said, but Rob asked her to stop being rational for a few minutes so he could have a temper-tantrum: “Just let me have my moment.” As Lyn and Karlyn passed them, Erwin said, “Our style would have been to wait for them.” The Cho brothers seem like nice guys, but they really seem to be dumb sometimes. First they play with water guns in an airport; now they continually refuse to, you know, race during a race. This is not summer camp, guys. This episode ended with a quasi-cliffhanger, although minus the drama that usually accompanies a cliffhanger. Tyler and James looked at their next clue, which simply said, “KEEP RACING!!!”
THINGS I WISH I HAD NEVER BELIEVED
Money is the root of all evil: Money isn’t good or evil. It’s a tool like a hammer or a saw. You can create with it or destroy with it. People use it to build infrastructure, to build research facilities, to find cleaner sources of energy, and to create timeless art and literature. If you use your money to create value for yourself and others, your money will grow – and you will have all the money you’ll ever need. However, if you hoard money selfishly or spend it frivolously, you will never have enough. Don’t you think you could contribute more to society, the world, and other people if you had great wealth? So what’s wrong with intending to be wealthy? Do you believe you have the capacity to create value in other people’s lives? Those that think and act create wealth, so if you intend to become wealthy, don’t wait around for a government grant or the winning lotto numbers, get out there and start creating value for other people today.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1906: Opera star Enrico Caruso is charged with an indecent act committed in the monkey house of New York's Central Park Zoo. He pinched the bottom of a woman described as "pretty and plump", causing outrage amongst New York high society. Caruso claimed a monkey pinched the lady's bottom. 1957: Serial killer Ed Gein kills his final victim, Bernice Worden, a store clerk in her50's.Her decapitated body is later found outdoors hanging from a block and tackle, gutted. Some parts were unaccounted for. 1981: Actor William Holden dies after a fall, hitting his head on a table. He is too fucking drunk to telephone for assistance; instead he bleeds to death while dabbing his serious wound with Kleenex. 1989: A death squad composed of El Salvadoran army troops slaughters six Jesuit priests and two others at Jose Simeon Canas University.
If smoking isn't allowed, why is there a need to pick up your cigarette butts?
Mahir Cagri, a resident of Turkey, became an Internet celebrity in 1999. His picture-laden personal homepage, which exclaimed in broken English his love of the accordion and travel, was visited by millions and spawned numerous fansites and parodies. Mahir claimed in various interviews that his personal webpage was hacked, with additions such as "I like sex" embedded into his webpage. His website was quickly spread through word of mouth on the internet. The website came at a time when "Internet phenomenon" was a new concept for Internet users, media, and the curious public.
Some quotes from his site: "I KISS YOU!!!!!!" "Who is want to come TURKEY I can invitate ..... She can stay my home ........" "I like sex" "I like music, I have many many music enstrumans my home I can play"
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
This is trooper TK563, the Henderson's cat has been successfully chased off the property. The back yard is secure. Repeat: the back yard is secure. Over.
DOCTOR WHO NEWS
What is it about Doctor Who that makes people want to leave? First we had Christopher Eccleston (The Doctor) calling it quits after one series. Then Billie Piper (Rose) left after two. Now The Sun is reporting that David Tennant (The Doctor) may not be coming back after he finishes series three, his second with the show. According to reports, he has been offered £1million to come back for series four. Digging out the calculator, converting pounds to dollars, dividing by episodes, that's more than what those crazy kids over at Lost are getting. Of course, he could also be floating his exit in the press as a bargaining tool. Maybe he wants more money, a personal chef, or just all the Toblerone he can possibly eat. Whatever the case, I'd like to see him stick around. I'm really enjoying his work as The Doctor in series two, currently airing in the U.S. on SciFi. But given the recent history of the show, anything can happen.
Fan Boys: The trailer's got a '70s van decked out like the Millennium Falcon, a bunch of Star Wars geeks using Jedi mind tricks to get laid and a shocking look at the inside of Lucas' Skywalker Ranch. Warning: if you're a Trekkie and go to this flick on opening weekend, you will get a savage beatdown.
Wolverine: Bryan Singer might return to direct the spinoff prequel. He must have thought X3 was a flaming bag of mutant crap, too.
Tipping The Velvet: Yes, Beyonceé and Eva Longoria might play lusty lesbians. And, no, I didn't know what "tipping the velvet" meant until I looked it up on Urban Dictionary.
Play Misty For Me: Poor Ben's taken enough abuse, and besides, he was pretty decent in Hollywoodland. Wait — what's that you say? He wants to direct a remake of a Clint Eastwood movie? Let the Affleck-bashing continue!
Superman Returns 2: The rumored title is Superman: The Man of Steel. I guess Superman: Balls in Lois Lane's Purse wasn't catchy enough.
Charlotte's Web: Is it wrong that this trailer makes me crave bacon? In fact, with the exception of the rat and maybe the spider, I would like to kill, fry and eat almost all the animals.
And now for the review of Down The Shitter ( I mean Flushed Away). A pampered, domesticated pet mouse gets flushed into the sewer and realizes how lonely he used to be and how much he enjoys the company of other sewer mice. This is a story well-fed movie stars and such people love to tell themselves — that they'd leave behind their lives of luxury for a stinking hovel if it were for love and family. Ha. I'm officially worn out from all the crappy, animated, yapping-critter movies that have been released this year. I'm fed up. And this one shares way too much plot in common with the recent rash of them (domestic animal gets tossed into the wild and learns important stuff) to get away with it. But … it's smarter than all the other 2006 animated movies, save for Barn Yard. It's from Aardman, the people responsible for the Wallace & Gromit shorts, Curse of the Were-Rabbit and Chicken Run. In fact, see whether you can count all the references to W&G hidden in about half a dozen different scenes. From 1 to10 I give it an 8. Logan's favorite part of the movie was when the bad guy's were chasing the good guys, trying to get them. And he liked the fighting.
Well, that's about it for this entry. Next Thursday is Thanksgiving as well as my 38th birthday, so the blog will be all about...me. LOL. Anyway, spread the word and not the turd. Here's another random pic...