I want to bring slacker back, 'cause I don't do jack... Hello, and welcome to the Peverett Phile, where wet dreams come true. Hey, I just got a text from Mark Foley. He wants me to post pictures of teenage boys in casts and soccer uniforms. Mark Foley’s attorney is now blaming Foley’s behavior on alcohol. But apparently he wasn’t too drunk to send an email. Foley also said today that his behavior has nothing to do with being molested by a clergy member when he was young. It doesn’t? Then why bring it up? People are now wondering what to do with Foley’s seat in congress. How about they start with Lysol? Then some Bactene. After that cover it with plastic. With all these sex scandals I think they should replace the Sergeant at Arms in the House with a Mother Superior. When a congressman gets out of line she could just whack him with a ruler. The latest on the Washington sex scandal involving Congressman Mark Foley – according to CNN Foley’s instant messages were not only inappropriate, but also were full of typos. In Foley’s defense, he said it was hard to type with one hand. North Korea is close to conducting a nuclear test. If that is successful they are going to try something harder – indoor plumbing for their people. A group of students at Arizona State are being asked to change the name of their club, the Campus Caucasian Club to something else. They are going to rename it the "golf team”. Bob Woodward is back with a new book and says that the Bush administration is trying to conceal how bad things are going in Iraq. Let me tell you – if the Bush administration is concealing things in Iraq they are doing a bad job of it! The mob might be doing business with al Qaeda. Today Sammy the Bull met with Ahkmed the Goat. A high school team in Michigan has cancelled their football season. They played four games and lost them all. They didn’t even score a single point. So for the kid’s safety they cancelled the season. It’s the same thing the NFL is considering with the Raiders. There is a scandal at the University of Ohio. A number of engineering graduates may have cheated on their exams over twenty years ago. Does it really matter though? A lot of those students went on to do great things. An overpass in Montreal. Levees in New Orleans. A tunnel in Boston. Some public school now will be serving sushi. Well if you love cafeteria meatloaf, you’re going to love cafeteria sushi! That has to give a parent comfort to know your child is being served raw fish! The US Army is investigating whether or not a group of women in the Kentucky National Guard posed nude with M-16’s while on duty. If it turns out to be true the pictures will be sent to recruitment centers across the country. Al Gore says that smoking is a major factor in global warming. Cigarettes are a major factor. Unfortunately when Al Gore gives a speech most people leave the room for a cigarette. The "National Enquirer" is reporting that Star Jones' husband has dumped her and has moved in with a close male friend. If that turns out to be true, this would be the second time this year that Star's been replaced by somebody gay. Here's some good news. Model Kate Moss has reunited with her old boyfriend Pete Doherty. They said their goal is to fill the cocaine vacuum created by the breakup of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. Fox News is reporting that Michael Jackson's custody battle with his ex-wife over the kids is going to be settled. She'll get them on weekends. And in return, he'll be allowed to see other children. Starbucks is raising the price of a cup of coffee to $5.00. Don’t worry, you’ll still get the sneer from the girl with a nose ring serving your coffee. The most vain women in the world are English women. It is estimated that English women spend two years of their lives looking in a mirror. You know what this means – Donald Trump is a woman. And finally, the "Washington Post” is reporting that there is a surge of horse drawn buggies in Cuba. The hardest part is getting the horses to swim to Miami.
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
After three episodes of The Amazing Race 10, I’m totally loving this race. It has that old-school, pre-Rob and Amber, vibe to it, like before it became incredibly popular, and before the families came along and made children cry. Yes, the alpha male team is dominating once again, but they’re not jerks, like the teams last season. And David and Mary, easily my favorite team, are just too cute. Last week, during their interview, Mary said, “I’m making friends with people I would have never thought I would have met. I’ve never known an Asian person in my life.” Then, almost whispering, and with David completing her sentences, she said, “Honest to goodness, we’ve never been around gay people. But buddy, I like ‘em!” That honest, willing-to-change ignorance is the best kind. There were no heartwarmingly funny pronouncements from David and Mary last night, but there were other highlights from this leg of the race: “You have zero dollars for this leg of the race,” the clue said. Imagining all of the begging that was ahead, I thought that, perhaps next week, the producers can just have all the teams wear t-shirts that say “I am an asshole American who is trying to win $1 million and needs you, person living in a developing nation, to give me a few dollars, even though I am being followed by a camera crew.” Later, however, a team read more of the clue, which said, “You may not beg or sell anything.” That’s one point for me in the “incredible overreactions” column. “A lot of these girls on the street walk arm in arm. Think they’re just friends, or what?” Duke asked Lauren, trying a little too hard to connect with his lesbian daughter. Mary interrupted David’s heartfelt story about his dad’s Vietnam service to yell at him, saying, “Dave, if everybody’s passing you … we’re in a race and I’m going to get angry.” Even in these moments, when her behavior is rather obnoxious, she’s totally cute. “The blondes are … always looking for any little inch that they can get on anybody else,” hot junkie model James said. Just a “little inch”? Duke and Lauren enlisted the help of a local, who said she’d ride along and give directions. Instead, she had the driver go 30 minutes out of their way to drop her off. “He take me my brother,” she said. “After that, he take you the prison.” It was the most appalling behavior from a non-team member in quite some time, although her behavior was probably due to breakdown in communication, not malice. “Why can’t we go in?” one of the blondes said, pushing on the locked door, as if the other teams just standing outside were too dumb to try that. One of the things I love about life is the way I tend to end up in the exact same physical place but years later and for an entirely different, unpredictable reason. On a much more significant level, watching the teams race around the Hanoi Hilton looking for John McCain’s flight suit, I realized that, while locked up in the prison, he never in a billion years would have predicted that, 40 years later, a bunch of Americans would be racing through the prison followed by cameras in a desperate race to win $1 million. How fucking crazy is our world? One of the former junkie/models said to the other, “It’s like Frogger, dude,” as they crossed the street. Then Kimberly came within about three inches of being run down by a motorcycle. (I was going to make a joke here but instead I spent 10 minutes playing Frogger. Still addictive after all these years, that game is.) Phil explained, “For safety reasons, teams are strictly forbidden to operate or ride on motorcycles while in Vietnam.” However, they are free to get run over by them. Clinging to the backs of male locals, Tom and Terry proceeded to ride on motorcycles. As punishment, Phil gave them a 30-minute penalty. And a spanking. “You’re moving kind of slow on that. One kilometer—that’s a piece of cake!” Peter told Sarah as she struggled to run. Using her leaking prosthetic leg. I have good news for you, Peter: As the biggest dickhead on this race, you win the scorn of the viewing public. One fun part of this season is that every team is just so nice—not necessarily to one another, but to the other teams. Lyn broke down at the pit stop, despite the fact that both she and her friends David and Mary were not eliminated. “You made such good friends, and we passed them on the way…and I just didn’t want them to go home because they’re such great people,” she sobbed to Phil. Somewhere, Rob Mariano is crying, too, as his dreams—of inspiring future racers to physically fight one another and participate in literal backstabbings—have now officially been crushed. Tom and Terry checked in just before Lauren and Duke, and were safe. However, T&T cried just as much as if they’d been eliminated. I think we’ve had enough crying for a whole season, thanks. Besides, we need to save our tears for when David and Mary are inevitably eliminated (or—dare I say it—win). And for Survivor: The racially segregated tribes, which stirred up so much controversy, only lasted two weeks. Last night, the four tribes became two: Aitutaki and Rarotonga. “Drop your buffs. You have been living together as tribes base upon ethnicity; it is now time to integrate,” Jeff Probst told everyone at the challenge. Two men and two women were selected at random to pick new, same-sex tribes, which they did in such a way that the old tribes became evenly divided. Then the four same-sex tribes merged, creating two diverse groups. At least one of the white people was able to talk about his new tribemates like they were actual human beings with names. Or not. Jonathan told his tribemate Jessica, “I think we can align with a couple of the Asians.” Actually, that’s what happened: Jonathan and Candice aligned with Yul and Becky, and both Cao Boi and Jessica ended up voting with them. Of course, that new alliance represents the Asian and white tribes; the other group was made up of members from the Latino and black tribes. Sundra and Ozzy joined Cecilia to vote against Becky, but the other alliance used their five votes to vote out Cecilia. If that alliance stays intact for two more visits to Tribal Council, the new Aitutaki tribe will have only white and Asian people. Perhaps the race wars have begun.
SHARPENING AXES
Today's topic: famous last words. Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. Francisco ("Pancho") Villa. I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast!
"Black Jack" Ketchum, notorious train robber. Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies. Voltaire (attributed), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan. Get these fucking nuns away from me. Norman Douglas. Don't worry...it's not loaded... Terry Kath, rock musician in the band Chicago Transit Authority as he put the gun he was cleaning to his head and pulled the trigger. Is someone hurt?
Robert F. Kennedy, to his wife directly after he was shot and seconds before he fell into a coma. Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do! Groucho Marx. Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough! Karl Marx, asked by his housekeeper what his last words were. I have a terrific headache.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage. I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring. Richard Feynman. Drink to me! Pablo Picasso. I have not told half of what I saw. Marco Polo, Venetian traveller and writer. Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking towards me, without hurrying. Jean Cocteau. Dammit... Don't you dare ask God to help me.
Joan Crawford. This comment was directed towards her housekeeper who began to pray aloud. Lord help my poor soul. Edgar Allan Poe. Thank God. I'm tired of being the funniest person in the room. Del Close, improvisor, teacher and comedian, died 1999. I have tried so hard to do right. Grover Cleveland, US President, died 1908. I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy. Kurt Cobain.
Kurt Cobain (in his suicide note), Lead singer for American grunge band Nirvana, referencing a song by Neil Young. In keeping with Channel 40's policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts and in living color, you are going to see another first -- attempted suicide. 30-year-old anchorwoman Christine Chubbuck, who, on July 15, 1974, during technical difficulties during a broadcast, said these words on-air before producing a revolver and shooting herself in the head. She was pronounced dead in hospital fourteen hours later. It's very beautiful over there. Thomas Edison. Now why did I do that? General William Erskine, after he jumped from a window in Lisbon, Portugal in 1813. Don't worry, relax! Rajiv Gandhi, Indian Prime Minister, to his security staff minutes before being killed by a suicide bomber attack. No! I didn't come here to make a speech. I came here to die. Crawford Goldsby, aka Cherokee Bill, when asked if he had anything to say before he was hanged. I really need a therapist' Christopher Grace, an actor who killed himself during a matinee performance of Greece. I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man. Che Guevara.
CANNED LAUGHTER
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire." And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says, "We invented sex." The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women."
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once every month?
A: Because it says on the box, "Good for up to 20 pounds."
BIZARRE X-RAYS
An alien face seems to appear in the X-ray of a duck, which died in May from injuries it had when found.
P.P.T.V.
"'Lonesome Dave' Peverett, Rod Price, Roger Earl and Craig McGregor..."
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