A man smokes and a dog stretches, a woman works and a kid kvetches. I'm ridin' on a road that stretches over the border to America. I got nothin' but lonesome time, a backyard and a religious shrine. There must be something better over there. Over the border to America. There's a lot of versions of the honest truth. One for them, one for you. One for the rich one for the poverty stricken, one for the healthy and one for the sick and one for the tortured and one for the slave. One they tell you when they put you in your grave. One for the businessman with someone else's money. One for the beggar with nothing in his belly. We got one house to live in wife, child and man. Not much bigger than an ice cream van. Sometimes we walk a mile and stand and stare over the border to America. I stood and watched as the wall came down, heard the freedom bell begin to sound, watched the hammer as it hit the ground, saw the sickle spinning round and round. Now don't make us out to be peons or fools, we're into Zeppelin and Paula Abdul. Now we're all gonna live in that cultural mecca, order everyone a triple decker. We're gonna buy a thousand pair of nylons, come and live on Staten Island. Oh Liberty let me walk in there, where law and justice are always fair, there's only one place to get your share...over the border to America.
Hello, and welcome to the Phile, I'm your host, Jason 'Immigrant' Peverett. That's immigrant, not ignorant, even though I've been called that a few times in my life. Earlier this week there was 100,000 people in the streets. Not immigrants, but SUV owners walking to work. Some are calling Monday’s march a national coming out day for Latinos. They’re equating being Latino to being gay. Hey, I think it’s a bit easier to tell your parents you’re Latino! It was a beautiful day here in Orlando. It was so nice that all the immigrants took another day off. Monday of course was the "Day Without Immigrants” as they called it. Or as the Native Americans call it "the good old days”. A day without immigrants. Did Schwarzenegger work Monday? Lots of businesses were closed, streets were closed – everything was closed but that big hole down on the border. The demographics of Mexico are changing they say. For example in 1978 a typical Mexican mother had seven children. Now she has two children in Mexico and the other five are born in the United States. Hillary Clinton said that when she was younger she wanted to be an astronaut. Could you imagine if Hillary had become an astronaut? What would Bill be saying? Mr. Clinton are you married? "Yes, but my wife is no longer on this earth.” Anna Nicole Smith has won her Supreme Court case. I think this is the first time a bunch of old guys gave her what she wanted and lived to tell about it. The heaviest man in the world lives in Mexico, he weighs over 1200 pounds! In fact he tried to cross the border once and was caught by officials in California, Arizona and New Mexico. Here's some sport news: Barry Bonds has hit his 712 home run and is now only 2 home runs away from passing Babe Ruth. Not only that, he’s also now only two injections away from passing Jose Canseco. There’s been quite the outrage over the Spanish version of the "Star Spangled Banner” that was released. One good thing though is that now at all the Major League Baseball parks all the players can now understand the words. According to the Oxford dictionary, the number of words in the English language has now surpassed one billion. No wait - I'm sorry - that's the number of people in the U.S. who don't speak any English. There’s been a relations breakdown between the United States and China – but enough about Maury Povich and Connie Chung. Do you realize on Maury’s next show he could be the one saying, "I am the father!” And finally, "People” magazine has released it’s "100 Most Beautiful People” issue. Kirstie Alley made the list. She takes up spots 36 through 54.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Like last week's entry, this week's Canned Laughter is brought to you by a fellow co-worker, Scott. A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience.She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately leaps into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
DOCTOR WHO NEWS
The 13th season of Survivor will be filmed in the Cook Islands, a group of islands somewhat nearby previous locations the Marquesas and Vanuatu. It’s the exact same location, perhaps even down to the tribal camps, that has been used for the UK edition and other international versions of the show. Survivor Maps, which has several pictures of the stunning lagoon and its surrounding islands, reports that “the Survivor production crew [arrived] April 20th and [will be] filming from late June through early August in Aitutaki’s quintessential blue lagoon.” The site also notes that the islands have plenty of history; Captain Bligh visited “just days before the mutiny, although he never laid foot on the atoll.” In addition, “the motu Rapota once held a leper colony,” according to Survivor Maps. And that small island will probably be the location of a tribe’s camp. And speaking of lepers, in addition to hearing confirmation that the show will be filmed in the Cook Islands, the Phile has heard unconfirmed reports that either in the 13th or 14th season, past cast members will return in some capacity, not necessarily as competitors. Neither season, however, will be another full-fledged all-star season. http://www.claycritters.com/map/s13/survivor_13_map.htm . Just when The Amazing Race 9 was getting a little boring, it picked up again with a conclusion that was the most heart-pounding and intense few moments the show has had in a long time. I almost threw up. Here’s what happened during and leading up to that moment:
- Yolanda is learning a lot about her partner Ray. For example, she said she’s learned “oh, that is the noise he makes when he brushes his teeth.”
- Monica asked a man on the street about hotels, and he said, “Cheap place to stay, love? You can stay at my joint for free.” Then he wet his pants when he saw Joseph and backpedaled: “That’s all right, man. I’m just joking. No, I’m not, but I saw you.”
- “Ray’s on a short leash,” Eric said. “My leash is about five feet long,” Joseph said. Not to be outdone or let a conversation end without yet another suggestive reference, Eric said, “I don’t let Jeremy out of the house.” Things we already knew, chapter 39, verse 412.
- “Beej. Eric has been really flirting with Monica,” Tyler told BJ, clearly jealous.
- A few moments later, Eric told Joseph and Monica, “I just want Monica to talk dirty to me from behind that tree.” Why behind a tree? So you can, say, imagine she’s Jeremy?
- Sixteen words I wish Phil would have spoken while the Weavers were racing last season: “Then they’ll need to wade out into a pool of crocodiles to retrieve their next clue.”
- Calling and waiting for cabs ignited an all-out war. First Eric called the taxi company to, as Jeremy said, “cancel the hippies’ taxi.” Then BJ and Tyler, who are rapidly becoming the dicks of the race, climbed into Joseph and Monica’s taxi. But Joseph opened the door and looked ready to drag them out — “Get out, guys. Kidding me?” — so they fled. “It’s not worth a million dollars to piss somebody off,” either BJ or Tyler said to the other, annoyed with his teammate for letting Joseph win.
- Eric and Jeremy waited for the cab they called but which never came. “I think we canceled ours in the process,” Jeremy said. “I think it’s called karma,” Eric said. Do you know that kind of guy who’s a sexist pig and has a closeted gay friend? My name is Eric.
- Joseph told a ticket agent, “We don’t want anybody else to find out about this. “What’s it worth?” the ticket agent asked. “A million dollars,” Joseph said. The guy looked at him incredulously: “No, to me.” Monica quickly jumped in with, “It’s worth a big kiss,” but the guy gave Joseph a look that said, “I’ll help you win a million dollars if you keep her away from me.”
- “This is how you practice safe sex,” someone said as they all put on rubber waders.
- Yielded by BJ and Tyler, Joseph and Monica fought with each other, and were so busy arguing that they didn’t even notice when the Yield hourglass ran out.
- “Have fun. Hopefully your chute opens, dude,” Jeremy said, and I can’t even bring myself to make fun of the fact that he said “hopefully your chute opens, dude,” just like I’m not going to say anything about Eric having a man strapped to his back and Jeremy looking on enviously.
- “If you were single, you’d be in trouble with me,” Jeremy said to Yolanda. She replied, “Oh, yeah?” with the same sort of tone that one would say, “what, you think I look like a dude?”
- Ray and his tandem skydiving partner landed in a seated position, and when Yolanda ran up, Ray was sitting between the guy’s legs. She said, “Oh, that’s so sweet. He’s holding you and everything!” Ray said, “It’s not funny.”
- “You can hear Monica screaming all the way up there,” Joseph said, as she parachuted to the ground.
- There was nothing particularly funny about the Detour that featured aboriginals playing the didgeridoo, except for the spelling of didgeridoo.
- When Ray and Yolanda arrived first at the mat, Phil stood far away, because they had the most dangerous local greeter ever: he had two whips that he cracked through the air right before every team arrived.
- Ray and Yolanda each won a one-year lease on a Mercedes M-class, like the ones they were driving in Australia, and Ray was concerned. “Will it be on the right side?” he asked of the steering wheel. “I promise—it’ll be all set up for America,” Phil said.
- Monica and Joseph quickly caught up with the frat boys and the hippies, and they were in a three-way race for the pit stop. As they drove, we saw a shot of Monica and Joseph’s car following the hippies, but the windshield was all pixelated. Then we found out why: “I’m flippin’ ‘em off, ‘cause I hate the hippies,” Joseph said, middle fingers extended.
- The three teams parked and raced for the mat in what was definitely the most intense race this season, if not ever. Dumbass BJ went through a ditch instead of over a bridge, allowing Monica passed him and beat them to the mat. Joseph was positively giddy. “We got here before you. You Yielded us!” he said, and she shrieked. BJ and Tyler arrived in third place, but in the most unfair and frustrating development ever, those lucky fuckers got saved by the second nonelimination leg. Curse you, nonelimination leg!
P.P. T.V.
David Carlisle, 32, forced 52-year-old Marion Budd to hand over the bags at knifepoint last July as she walked her dog in Westbury-on-Trym, Bristol. When he realised what he had taken, Carlisle, a drug addict and father-of -four, fled the scene empty-handed. The bungling would-be thief was jailed after admitting attempted robbery. His four-year sentence will run concurrently with the seven-year term he is already serving for multiple burglaries. Bristol Magistrates heard Carlisle, of no fixed address, jumped out of a car and thrust the knife at Ms Budd, and ordered her to hand over her bags. But he dropped the carrriers and ran off after she told him that the contents were less lucrative than he might have hoped. Carlisle was tracked down after his DNAwas found on the car used in the attempted robbery, and was later identified by the dog walker in a video ID parade. Recorder John Trevaskis told him it was "testament to his incompetence" that he had attempted to steal a bag of dog excrement.
MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU
Rick McCallum, George Lucas' longtime Star Wars producing partner, said that future projects are a ways off, including a live-action TV show that is at least a year and a half away. "Star Wars TV series, probably not for a couple of years," McCallum said in an interview at the Saturn Awards in Universal City, Calif., on May 2. "George is starting to start the basic concept of it. ... We're interviewing writers. We're seeing a lot of people. But I'd say it's not going to be happening for another at least 18 months." McCallum also denied rumors that the new series would focus on members of the Skywalker family, but repeated that the show will take place in the timeframe between Episode III and IV. "All-new characters," he added. "That missing 20-year period when Luke is growing up. ... Think bounty hunter. That's all I can tell you. There's nobody else that you'll know [in it]. At the moment. You know, it's still [in] really, really early stages. He hasn't really sat down to think about which direction [he's going]." McCallum added that 3-D theatrical versions of the Star Wars movies are still planned. "We're working on that," he said. "It's just a question of how many theaters will be out there. Hopefully, by the end of this year there will be about 1,500 [3-D] theaters. We need about two or three thousand before it makes it, you know, viable for any of us to go out in 3-D. But that looks like it will happen sometime in the year 2007, so hopefully we'll be happy about that." Lucas is also planning a new run of Clone Wars-themed animated shorts. "There's an animated series being done right now, so that probably also won't be ready for another year," McCallum said. "But, yeah, that's looking really good." Fox will release the original unaltered theatrical versions of the first three Star Wars movies on DVD on Sept. 12, despite statements by series creator George Lucas, USA Today reported. Lucas had adamantly declared that 2004's digitally restored Star Wars Trilogy DVDs were the definitive versions of his movies. But fans have held out hope for DVDsofthe originals, and it appears that Lucasfilm is responding, the newspaper reported. Fox will release new two-disc DVDs, priced at $30 each, of Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi that will feature the films as they first appeared in theaters, along with the new, restored versions (now available in the four-disc $70 Star Wars Trilogy). The individual DVDs will be taken off the market on Dec. 31, a strategy that Disney uses on many of its classic releases. This new set of DVDs does not constitute "George changing his mind," Lucasfilm's Jim Ward told USA Today. "What we've always said is George viewed the revised versions of the films as the definitive versions." The original films' video quality will not match up to that of the restored versions. "It is state of the art, as of 1993, and that's not as good as state of the art 2006," Ward said.
I HAVE A MIGRAINE
Is this a man or a woman?
MOVIE BUZZ
Pirates of the Caribbean 2:Dead Man's Chest: Slithery Davy Jones is after Captain Jack's soul in the trailer, but it's Johnny Depp, not Orlando Bloom, who gets his tentacles all over Keira Knightley. Scandalous!
Superman Returns: Judging by the trailer, the new Lex Luthor is a villain who ranks right up there with Keyser Soze. Consider Kevin Spacey's slump over … until K-PAX 2.
Casino Royale: Daniel Craig's dubbed in French in the ho-hum international teaser. I ran the dialogue through one of those online translator thingies, and I think he said, "Look, just gimme a chance, will ya?" Here's the English version. Huh — still sorta boring.
X-Men 3:The Last Stand: Wolverine chops off a Sentinel's head in an underwhelming new clip.If this is all Brett Ratner's got up his sleeve, fanboys will be calling for his head.
The Dirt: Let's hope this bio focuses on the young, vinyl-wearing Mötley Crüe and not the bloated, designer-jean–sporting tools of 2006. Although somebody should sign Nikki Sixx up for the next Underworld movie, because the dude looks like a walking corpse.
Clash of the Titans Remake: No matter who they cast in this remake, Perseus will always be Harry Hamlin in a skimpy toga to me. Wait — that didn't come out right.
Star Trek 11: Put down your fake plastic phasers, Trekkies — there's no way the Ben Affleck–as–Kirk rumors are true.
Dukes Of Hazzard Prequel: So that's how Bo and Luke became a couple of inbred, moonshine-smugglin' yokels!
Well, that about wraps it up for another entry. Next Thursday is the Innoventions Cast picnic so chances are I won't be updating the Phile. So, either Friday or Saturday I'll update it. In the meantime, check out my webshots page at http://community.webshots.com/album/527540184iyFFCs. I recently added some pictures from last weekend. Thanks for reading, and remember...spread the word and not the turd. I will now leave you with a random pic.
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