Hello, and welcome to the Phile, the web's most updated blog. I know, it's Wednesday. Tomorrow we are going to Nashville on a top secret mission so I wouldn't be able to update the blog on the usual Thursday this week. In next week's entry I will tell you all about the mission. Six years ago yesteday, this country was attacked. Tonight I am not comfortable making jokes about drunk celebrities and Hollywood nutjobs. If, by the way, you are a drunk celebrity or Hollywood nutjob, don’t get the wrong idea, I’ll be back at ya next week. If I stop making fun of the celebrities, the terrorists win. Larry Craig, a conservative senator form Idaho, on the way back to Washington got into a little trouble at the airport. During a layover, he thought, “Great — just enough time for coffee then into the bathroom for gay sex.” He tapped his foot to an undercover cop in the next stall. According to the cops, this is the bathroom code for “let’s get it on.” Not necessarily! It could also be code for, “I like your shoes.” He said he tapped his foot in the next stall because he has a wide stance. It’s kind of like “the dog ate my homework” excuse. President Bush was in Sydney, Australia for the APEC Summit, a gathering of 21 countries, responsible for half the world’s trade. He started off by saying he was happy to be at the OPEC Summit. On Capitol Hill. Gen. Petraeus testified again before Congress about the Iraq war. Some Democrats are saying Gen. Petraeus’ answers are scripted by President Bush. Which explains Petraeus’ use of the word “surge-arific.” Several Jewish groups are upset because President bush issued Rosh Hashana greetings over a week early. They’re saying Bush doesn’t know when Rosh Hashana is. Bush says he’ll make up for the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas. More details coming out about Britney Spears' performance at the MTV Awards. Sources at MTV say that Britney Spears showed up for the rehearsal of her song three hours late with a frozen margarita in her hand. Britney defended herself by saying the frozen margarita wasn’t for her, it was for her kids. Britney was criticized for being over weight, out of shape, and giving a half-hearted effort. Which explains why today Britney was signed by the New York Jets. Fun fact: The state of Arkansas says it has reduced the number of obese people in thatstate. Apparently Arkansas did that by throwing a Twinkie over the Missouri border.
THERE IS A GOD
Britney Spears is allegedly planning to get chest muscles in an effort to land a lucrative nude centerfold in Playboy Magazine. Last month, Britney had been begging Playboy boss Hugh Hefner for an opportunity to pose in the skin mag. The Hef turned her down. Insiders tell the National Enquirer the magazine has been put off by the fallen star’s massive financial demands. Playboy believes a nude Britney Spears is worth only $400,000. “It’s amazing what damage five years, 20lbs and two kids can do to a girl’s asking price,” one insider told the tab. “Britney is truly delusional if she thinks anyone is going to pay giant bucks to see her nude,” the acid-tongued source continued. “She’s already bared too much flesh for free while out partying for that to happen.” “Britney wants to get a new boob job, and she’s planning to step up her workouts in an effort to get Playboy to reconsider,” another insider told the Enquirer.
“She’s determined to get her sexy body back.” God, I hope it happens.
DISNEY"S AMERICA
Marié Digby is a big hit on YouTube. The 24-year-old's version of Rihanna's "Umbrella" is receiving airtime across the country, and her videos have been viewed over 2 million times. Last week, Walt Disney's Hollywood Records announced they'd signed her to a contract. A nice rags to riches story, heh? Except it isn't. The Wall Street Journal stripped the everywoman cover off of Digby by revealing that she'd signed with the record company back in '05. Her YouTube-based PR campaign was carefully constructed by Hollywood Records to launch her in a way that would gain the cache of authenticity viewers grant to user-developed content. Last year's controversial "LonelyGirl15" campaign demonstrated that some of the smartest people in America work in marketing. Noting the over-the-top success of that program, the ad industry is now awash with companies promising to launch viral campaigns of this nature, inspiring person-to-person emails for their product (you gotta see this!), and playing on the sense of ownership we have when we think we've discovered something authentic that others haven't. The question here, I think, is one of transparency. Obviously, in light of the way the internet has evolved, we plebeians are willing to trade some of our time viewing advertising in return for otherwise free content. I'm not convinced, however, that we are willing to embrace stealth marketing, where the message is disguised such that we may not identify it as advertising. The ruse of Digby's launch is minuscule in scope, but nonetheless causes me to trust what I see and read just a little less. Boy, Disney had a rough week. First the Marie Digby flap, and now this: In case it's not in your job description to pay mind to such things, the internet right now is all atwitter about a circulating photo of starlet Vanessa Hudgens baring her mouse ears, and then some. Miss Hudgens is one of the stars from Disney's very massive 'High School Musical' franchise, and girlfriend of HSM co-star (and perhaps budding shutterbug?) Zac Efron. But we're not here to judge -- well, I'm not here to judge. What's the complaint? "Disney creates these supposed role models for little girls and then they get famous and go off the deep end and we have a lot of explaining to do..." Whoa now, don't we know to expect this by now? I don't doubt Walt had great intentions, but the House of Mouse has loooonng been a sexpot factory. This ain't PBS, where every kid is special and all that -- this is THE Walt Disney Company. The Mickey Mouse Club tends to be pretty choosy about who gets to don those felt-letter sweaters. It so happens that toothy, telegenic girls predictably grow up to be bombshells -- the classic virgin vixens of textbook male fantasy -- and Disney has just been churning 'em out since Goofy was in short pants. Look past Britney Spears, the 800-pound gorilla of the species. You've got your Lindsay Lohan, your Hilary Duff, Christina Aguilera, Keri Russell, Lisa "Blair" Whelchel (did you know Facts of Life pioneers Whelchel, Molly Ringwald, and Julie Piekarski all had Mouseketeer pasts? Internet, you are awesome.), Kim Richards (Tia from Escape To Witch Mountain... *sigh*), all the way back to Hayley Mills and Annette Funicello. I'm sure there's some web page somewhere (I don't want to look) counting the seconds until Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana turns 18. I don't have the collective worth of these women in front of me, but Uncle Scrooge McDuck didn't make all those fantasticatrillions by himself. Not to detract from the talents and virtues of any of these women, nor paint them all as tabloid fodder. But ultimately they're human, and they're adults. Parents can't expect their children's idols to stay 15 forever, and the effects of a star-studded childhood on a kid are all too well documented by this point for this sort of news to surprise anyone. Moms and dads, if you want to dodge uncomfortable conversations with your kids, I don't know what to suggest ... ween your loved ones on The Muppets, I guess. They still haven't gone gonzo on us.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEBODY
This is the follow up to the story on an old friend I knew five years ago at Epcot. Josh was on the college program at Disney and became good friends. I was invited to his wedding but didn't go, and my wife Jen was going to take professional pictures of he and his wife Lauren. Anyway, this is an article I found on him on a web site called teachersmackdown.com.
In Pooler, Georgia, Saint Andrew’s School music teacher Joshua Evans, 25, was arrested on federal charges of attempted sexual exploitation of children and child pornography charges. Since his home was searched by the FBI, US Immigration, GBI (Georgia Bureau of Investigation), and the Pooler Police Department I’m guessing that there’s more to this story than Evans looking at underage girls on the internet. Seems that Evans was trying to arrange to have sex and get nude photos of someone he believed was a 14-year-old girl. Whoops! The GBI began investigating Evans in May 2006 when an undercover agent posing as a 14-year-old girl began communicating with him in an online chat room. They chatted several times and arranged to meet at a Savannah hotel. Evans told the “girl” that he wanted to have sex and watch porn with her. This wasn’t the only victim that Evans was grooming. Seems that he was also having online conversations with five South Carolina officers who were posing as a 12-year-old girl. Double whoops! A U.S. Magistrate judge ordered Evans to wear an electronic monitor. He can only leave his house for counseling to meet with his probation officer. While the investigation at St. Andrew’s School showed that nothing was going on at the school - either online or with the students - the principal fired Evans and is now looking for his replacement. Evans’ pregnant wife has been ordered by the judge to cancel the internet service to their home. She’s allowed to keep her computer for her work as a school teacher. Evans’ parents put up the $50,000 bond for their son. As partof his bond, Evans must undergo substance abuse testing and mental health treatment. He cannot have contact with children or possess any weapons. I’m glad they caught Evans. He certainly had a huge internet child porn/exploitation problem if he was being investigated by so many law enforcement agencies. Luckily there were no real victims…I hope. In fact, the only people Joshua Evans victimized are his wife, his unborn child, and his parents. I can only imagine the shame they must feel.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Courtney Love wanted to make big waves with her band Hole's 1994 major-label debut CD, but the circumstances around the timing of the album's success were unfortunate, to say the least. The album was set to come out one week after Love's husband, Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, committed suicide in the couple's home outside Seattle. Hole's label released the ironically titled 'Live Through This' album anyway, and it quickly became a chart-topping alternative hit.
R.I.P.
Hughie Thomasson, Outlaws guitarist: The Lynyrd Skynyrd Book of the Dead gets another member. How much you want to bet that they'll all be gone before gym teacher (and namesake) Leonard Skinner?
Steve Fossett?: How ironic; a Fossett, down the drain. If he doesn't have a shit load of water with him, he's a gonner even if he landed safely somewhere. If he's still in the air I think he's got himself another world record. And if he's still in the air he'll be a trillionaire for the patent on whatever kept him there.
Jane Wyman: I'll bet she was good and tired of all those "What was Robert Young really like?" questions.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1878
The magnificent phallic symbol Cleopatra's Needle is erected in London on the bank of the Thames. It doesn't really have anything to do with Cleopatra. The obelisk has a twin in New York's Central Park, also named Cleopatra's Needle. It has nothing to do with Cleopatra, either.
1966
NBC television premieres 'The Monkees', a sitcom about four guys in a rock band. When the show becomes a hit, the fictional Monkees somehow release a string of albums, even though three of the actors can't even play their instruments.
1970
After releasing most of their captives, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine blows up three hijacked passenger jets in the Jordanian desert. The 40 remaining Israeli hostages are taken to secret locations in Amman, Jordan.
1977
The body of Steven Biko is discovered on the floor of a jail cell in Pretoria. The South African civil rights activist had been beaten and tortured six days earlier, during an interrogation in Port Elizabeth. Police officials claim that Biko probably suffered the fatal injuries when he "fell out of bed."
1992
Anthony Perkins, star of the Hitchcock classic Psycho, dies of AIDS in his Hollywood hills home. His extraordinary versatility as an actor is captured in the films Psycho II, Psycho III, and Psycho IV: The New Beginning.
1994
After a night of boozing and smoking crack, Frank Corder steals a Cessna P150 and crashes it into the south lawn of the White House. The wreckage tumbles over a tree and a hedge before coming to rest against the West Wing of the Executive Mansion. Corder's flamboyant suicide attack never actually imperiled President Clinton's life, since the First Family was sleeping elsewhere at the time.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
A teenager "quite literally went up in flames" after a 14-year-old friend sparked a lighter next to him, a jury at Cardiff Crown Court has been told. The boy denies causing grievous bodily harm with intent, but has admitted grievous bodily harm.
The prosecution said the 13-year-old suffered 29% burns and would probably need surgery for the rest of his life. The jury heard the victim had spilled petrol on his trousers after sniffing its fumes in a garage near Aberdare. Huw Evans, prosecuting, said the 13-year-old "quite literally went up in flames" in the incident on 12 April at the garage in Godreaman. Mr Evans added that he was in hospital for eight weeks and needed skin grafts. "He has been left very seriously scarred," Mr Evans added. The two boys were with others, who had been messing about with a friend's motorbike, the jury was told. Some, including the injured boy, had been sniffing petrol from a can but somehow petrol had been spilled onto his trousers. Speaking via a live video-link, the 13-year-old said he had been "tonking" or sniffing petrol, for the first time on that occasion and said it had made him feel giddy. He told the court the 14-year-old had spilled petrol on him, and denied he had done it himself. He said he "felt something wet" on his leg and that he had then grabbed his friend, who pushed him back. "I said 'light me on fire and you're coming with me'," he told the court. "I just remember running up the steps in flames." Other friends, and the mother of one boy, tried to extinguish the flames with milk and damp towels before an ambulance arrived. The boy said: "It was hurting like I hadn't felt pain before." When questioned the boy estimated 20 seconds passed between the petrol being spilled on his leg and the trousers going up in flames. The court heard that the defendant told police later that he was lighting a cigarete with his lighter when the other boy accidentally caught fire.
Neither can be identified. The case is continuing.
CANNED LAUGHTER
A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas. A sign in front of a restaurant reads, "Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail and Beer." "Hot damn," the cowboy says to himself, "My three favorite things!"
Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Man," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!" "What's the rush?" his buddy asked. "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef.
GEEK TALK
This post includes spoilers. Do not read this post if you don't want to know the plot of Magneto. Fans of The X-Men beware or enjoy. Yes, over at Obsessed With Film, they've learned the entire plot of the X-Men spin-off, written by David S. Goyer, who will also direct. Deciding not to reveal every plot point, OWF's Will Reynolds provides the basics, including the fact that the film will have bookending scenes set in Poland at the 60th Anniversary of the Auschwitz Liberation. After the basically present-day opening, Magneto heads back in time to that prelude in X-Men, where young Erik Lehnsherr (aka Magneto) destroys the concentration camp's gates. He's then experimented on by Nazi scientists, including a Dr. Kleinman. Fast forward to the Ukraine, where we see Erik married to Magda, with whom he has a daughter, Anya. So far, we're following the comics pretty well. Then, apparently both Magda and Anya are killed when townspeople burn down the Lehnsherr's home (it should only be Anya, right?). From there, the spin-off follows the plotline in which Magneto goes Nazi hunting. Erik ends up in Paris and then moves to Argentina, where he searches for Dr. Kleinman with the help of a CIA agent. Eventually the plot moves on to Israel, where Erik meets a soccer-playing Charles Xavier (aka Professor X), who is said to be good at helping Holocaust survivors. Will the duo gang up to fight Baron Von Strucker and HYDRA? We'll have to wait and see ... Of course, there are more details over at OWF, as I think if you really don't mind spoilers, you might want to check out the site. From the description they've provided so far, the film seems more like a drama, like Munich, than a super-hero action flick. OWF also says Magneto, which may actually be fully titled X-Men Origins: Magneto, will feature Senator Kelly (young and old), Victor Creed (aka Sabretooth, who also shows up in the Wolverine spin-off -- good news for Tyler Mane) and Mystique. This is a lot more information than I was able to provide last week, and I have to thank OWF for giving just enough of a synopsis to keep me excited without feeling like I don't need to see the movie (like I would ever think I didn't need to see this!). The site likens the screenplay to Goyer's script for Batman Begins, combined with The Boys from Brazil (which is being remade just in time to go head to head with Magneto) and, of course, the X-Men trilogy. Keep in mind, as always, these are only rumors and the completed film could always head in a different direction.
MOVIE BUZZ
Iron Man
I get really pumped watching the trailer when Robert Downey Jr. dons his superhero suit for the first time and the classic Ozzy song "Iron Man" starts pounding on the soundtrack. I hope there's a scene in the film where Downey has to bite the head off of a metallic bat.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
First Shia LaBeouf claimed he was not up for the job as Indy Jr. Then on the MTV Video Music Awards he pretended to, on the spur of the moment, "out" the actual, long-awaited title of Indy 4. Maybe they should have called it Indiana Jones and the Lying-Son-of-a-Fedora.
Bond 22
Actor Jesper Christensen, who bedeviled Daniel Craig in Casino Royale, claims he's definitely returning. Instead of poker, though, the two adversaries are going to square off in a brutal bingo game that turns deadly when they each hit O-69 in the championship match.
John Rambo
First there was the controversy over Sly bringing human growth hormone into Australia. Now, the new trailer includes a lesson from his dubious weight-loss plan. I don't see what the problem is: Firing a rocket launcher through somebody's gut really does take the pounds off.
There Will Be Blood
The first official trailer is online for Paul Thomas Anderson's latest. It looks pretty good, but I'm a little disappointed. When I heard the director of Boogie Nights was making an epic about oil barons, I thought it was going to be about porn stars getting into hot oil wrestling.
The Wolfman
Benicio Del Toro looks like a feral animal in this frightening first promo pic. And, believe it or not, that's without makeup!
Transformers 2
Producer Don Murphy revealed on his message board that any production is going to be delayed due to the impending Hollywood strike. If Murphy thinks screenwriters and directors are tough to negotiate with, he better hope that Optimus Prime doesn't join the truckers union.
Tron 2
Logan's Run remake director Joseph Kosinski has been hired to make the sequel to the classic video-game movie. He wanted the gig so bad he even shot a short audition reel. Personally, I think the direction he's going is a little out there, if you watch it.
Religulous
The first poster for the religious spoof mocks people who see Jesus and Mary in their food by putting star Bill Maher's face on a grilled cheese sandwich. I once saw an image of Abraham Lincoln in an ear of corn and sold it on eBay for a hundred bucks.
Splice
Adrien Brody's a deranged scientist who splices together human and animal DNA to turn a woman into a winged beast. What's also spliced together? The script. Splice in a little Island of Dr. Moreau with some Species and — voila!
Transsiberian
In the trailer, Woody Harrelson is completely floored when he finds out his wife is smuggling heroin in toy figurines across Russia. So when she finds his pot stash, it's no big deal, right?
There you have it, guys and gals, another entry of the Phile. The next entry will be next Thursday unless I have another mission to go on. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Oh, and I still want to hit 3000 by Christmas.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Chinese Toys Taste Better
Howdy, Phans, and welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog. There’s a new book out on President Bush. I learned President Bush is a sensitive man. He says he cries a lot. It would be even better to hear that he reads but . . . Fred Thompson officially announced his candidacy for president today. Here’s why Fred Thompson is not going to be our president: America’s not going to pick a first lady that looks like she runs a tanning salon. Have we ever had a president with a hot wife? Barbara Bush maybe . . . On the Democratic side of things, Oprah Winfrey is throwing a huge fundraiser for Barack Obama on Saturday on the grounds of the Promise Land — a huge 42 acre mountain-view estate in Montecito, Calif. It’s projected to raise $3 million. Two million of which is projected to come from the “Dunk Stedman” booth. Idaho Sen. Larry Craig announced his resignation on Saturday. If I was Larry Craig, here’s what I’d say: “I’m not gay, but my feet are.” It’s been one year since Katie Couric took over the CBS Evening News, and to celebrate, CBS is sending her to Iraq. I guess that should give CBS enough time to move the studio to someplace where she can’t find it. Last weekend I got my second tatoo, dad's autograph. This weekend I am thinking about getting 'Made In England' tattooed on my ass. Or as we say in England, arse. And now, for a special pheature called...
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE
This next article is about a good friend of mine who used to work with me at Epcot about five years ago. Until recently we lost contact, and now I know why.
A St. Andrews Elementary School teacher is out on bond tonight, charged with trying to access pornography and engage in inappropriate conversations with a child through the Internet. Several law enforcement agencies, including the Federal Bureau of Investigations and the Georgia Bureau of Investigations and the Pooler Police Department searched the home of Joshua Evans in Pooler looking for evidence. They say they found what they were looking for and arrested the 25-year-old teacher.
Today, in federal court Evans was arraigned and then released on a $50,000 bond, but must remain on house arrest and cannot have access to the Internet or any contact with minors. Meanwhile across the county at St. Andrews school, administrators tell us they're in a state of shock. Headmaster EC Hubbard says all employees undergo a criminal background check and Evans had no prior history. "It's only logical the people we employ for our children are the people of good character and in my opinion, Mr. Evans was. We did an extensive criminal checks references and I personally make those calls," said Hubbard. Evans had been a music teacher at St. Andrews Elementary School for two years and the headmaster says in that period of time, none of the children were in danger. And after talking to the FBI, there's no evidence of inappropriate behavior conducted on school grounds. "While we can't understand, I believe that safe guards are sufficient that no sort of criminal conduct happened at school," said Hubbard. Hubbard says he's concerned about the school's reputation and that's why he sent a letter to all parents explaining what happened. "Our foremost concern is for the safety and welfare of our children and we take steps to ensure that safety," said Hubbard. Steps he says his administrators always take very seriously. At this point, none of the agencies involved in the Evans case are going into detail as to what led to his arrest. We should learn more when Evans makes his next court appearance which has not yet been set. Hubbard says Evans will not return to St. Andrews and the school is looking for a permanent replacement.
In the next entry I will have the follow up report.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
As the newbie of the group, Michelle Williams had a lot to prove when she joined Destiny's Child. The group's May 4, 2005 appearance on BET's '106 & Park' didn't help shed her weak-link status. During the first few seconds of DC's performance of 'Soldier,' Michelle slipped on stage and fell to the ground with a thud. Perhaps most embarrassing is that neither Kelly nor B stopped to help their fallen friend. To her credit, Michelle picked herself off, and kept on shaking while the cameras rolled, but it's an experience she'll never fully live down.
R.I.P.
Luciano Pavarotti: Pavarotting. There, it's done; that's out of the way, hope for something original.
Conservative leader the Rev. D. James Kennedy: If I'm Pat Robertson, I'm shitting bricks.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
POMPANO BEACH, Fla.-- A woman out for jog while listening to her iPod had her legs severed by a freight train because she may not have heard it coming, authorities said. Cheryl Ann Risse, 32, was recovering at a hospital Friday. Authorities did not know how she ended up in the path of the train Thursday morning, but rescue workers speculated she did not hear the locomotive coming because she was listening to her iPod. Risse often jogged across the tracks on her way to a nearby park, said Keyla Concepcion, spokeswoman for the Broward Sheriff's Office. The train engineer didn't know he had struck Risse until he returned along the same tracks minutes later, Concepcion said. A passing sheriff's deputy noticed her waving her arms. "My feet are on fire," she told Tony Long, a battalion chief for Pompano Beach Fire-Rescue, who responded to the scene. "Do you think you can put the fire out? They're really hurting." The woman was expected to survive.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1901
While shaking hands at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York, President William McKinley is shot twice in the abdomen at point-blank range with a .32 caliber revolver. He dies a week later. The assassin, an anarchist by the name of Leon Frank Czolgosz, actually is a lone gunman (for once).
1951
During a drinking party in Mexico City, author William S. Burroughs instructs his wife Joan to balance a glass of gin on her head. He then takes careful aim with his new .38 pistol, and unintentionally blows her brains out in front of their friends. The Mexican authorities later charge Burroughs with criminal imprudence.
1966
Parliamentary messenger Demetrios Tsafendas assassinates Prime Minister Hendrik Verwoerd, by sticking a knife in his chest on the floor of the South African legislature. The apartheid system had been Verwoerd's brainchild.
1986
In Istanbul, two Arab terrorists step inside the Neve Shalom synagogue on Buyuk Hendek Street during Sabbath services. They unload into the worshippers with submachine guns and grenades, killing 22 and wounding six. The incident is later attributed to Abu Nidal's terror organization.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
LONDON, England-- British authorities ruled Wednesday that research using animal eggs to create human stem cells could go forward in principle. The Human Fertilization and Embryology Authority decided to allow the research, which involves placing human DNA into cow or rabbit eggs that have had their genetic material removed. According to the ruling, projects would be decided on a case-by-case basis, said Paula Woodward, a spokeswoman for the regulator. Experts have said such research, which is currently under way in the United States and China, is critical to unlocking treatments for Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and other genetic diseases. Scientists want to use animal eggs because the supply of human eggs is limited.
However, the research has raised ethical worries. The involvement of animals has caused concern among the public, while right-to-life advocates fear it could lead ultimately to genetically modified babies -- despite the fact that the studies being considered would only allow development of eggs for a few days. The research involves taking a cow or rabbit egg which no longer has its own DNA and injecting human genetic material. The egg is induced to divide, becoming a very early embryo from which stem cells could be extracted. Some experts questioned whether residual animal traces might contaminate human DNA, thus invalidating the stem cell experiments. Advocates of the research insist it would be a human embryo made in the shell of an animal egg, though a minute amount of animal genes remain. The resulting egg contains 13 animal genes compared with some 20,000-25,000 human genes.
Dr. David King, director of the independent watchdog group Human Genetics Alert, said allowing such research to go forward would be the first step toward producing genetically modified babies.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Q: Have you heard of ginkgo Viagra? A: Yeah, it helps you remember what the fuck you were thinking.
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to pick up his wife's test results. When he gets there, the nurse at the counter tells him that there is a small problem. "We sent your wife's blood in with another Mrs. Smith and the two tests results got mixed up. Now we don't knowwhich test is your wife's and the results were bad and worse," she says. "Well, tell me the results for each test," he replies. "One test came back positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other came back positive for AIDS," the nurse says. "Oh my god…what am I going to do?" Mr. Smith asks. "Oh, don't worry, the doctor came up with an idea," the nurse replies reassuringly. "He said to drive your wife to the middle of town and drop her off there. If she remembers her way back home, don't fuck her."
RIDICULOUS BAND NAMES IN ROCK HISTORY
PORNO FOR PYROS: Former Jane's Addiction frontman Perry Farrell came up with the name while watching coverage of the LA riots on television. Presumably while jacking off. Why it's ridiculous: Pornography for pyromaniacs is, for all intents and purposes, regular pornography. Sure, there are maybe a few crazy people out there getting sexual pleasure from watching videos of people setting fires—but your garden variety pyromaniac isn't renting College Slut Matches & Gasoline Party VII. He's out burning down the neighborhood Costco. It turns out they just really like burning stuff.
DOCTOR WHO
Once again the fate of David Tennant's role as the Doctor on "Doctor Who" is in question. Earlier this year there were rumors that Tennant would not resume his role for the fourth series of the popular science fiction program. However, those rumors were quickly refuted. Now comes word directly from the BBC that the show will not be returning for a fifth series until 2010 (the fourth series premieres in 2008). It was postponed to allow Tennant to play Hamlet with the Royal Shakespeare Company late next year. A spokesperson for the show said it was too early to comment on whether or not Tennant would return for a fifth series. That doesn't mean you should be wailing uncontrollably and rending your clothing quite yet. To fill the gap Tennant will star in three "Doctor Who" specials, to air in 2009, that will be written by Russell T. Davies. In the meantime, another Christmas special, starring Kylie Minogue, will air at the end of this year. And, in the fourth series (BIT OF A SPOILER ALERT HERE) look for Catherine Tate to return as the Doctor's partner.
GEEK TALK
Now that the dust has finally settled from the summer movie season, it's time to kick back, relax and, well, gear up for next summer's blockbusters I guess. Tony Stark, a.k.a. Shell Head, a.k.a. The Golden Avenger, a.k.a. Iron Man is yet another Marvel Comics character getting the big-screen treatment, and that hotly-anticipated flick will be arriving in theaters via a nifty set of boot jets on May 2, 2008. Director Jon Favreau has posted on his Myspace page that the first teaser trailer will be playing on Monday 9/10 during several TV shows, although the most ardent of Iron Man fans will want to tune into MTV's The Hills that day because that's where the spot will air first. The teaser will show up in a bunch of places on Monday and Tuesday, including Comedy Central's "The Daily Show", "CSI" on Spike TV and "The Andy Griffith Show" on TVLand. Yeah, I did a double take on Andy Griffith too. Looks like their hitting some pretty diverse demographics. A high-res version will also be appearing on Apple.com/trailers Tuesday 9/11. Check out Favreau's Myspace for a more complete listing of shows carrying the promo. Apparently the teaser incorporates much of the footage that was shown at Comicon -- footage which, incidentally, can still be viewed via crappy cell phone video over on Youtube. Frankly, I'm surprised Paramount hasn't yanked it, but even in substandard video, the footage looks awesome, and it's all set to the Black Sabbath song 'Iron Man'. Nice. Can't wait to see the high-def version.
MOVIE BUZZ
Iron Man
In a video interview, Terrence Howard says the film about a superheroic arms manufacturer is actually anti-war. I just hope it tries to get its message of peace across with a lot of stuff getting blown up.
Saw IV
The official website's first teaser trailer is almost completely lacking in gore but features lots of people screaming while bathed in an eerie green tint. And, really, isn't the color of money more important than the color of blood at this point in the franchise?
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
A fan was able to take a ton of terrific backlot photos, including some massive outdoor sets in L.A. and inside shots of Egyptian statues. Know what would be a great gag for the film? Have Indy stumble across Han Solo frozen in carbonite hidden among the artifacts.
The Topkapi Affair
Angelina Jolie has just signed on to star alongside Pierce Brosnan in this sequel to The Thomas Crown Affair, which is an odd coincidence, because she was already planning to name her next adopted kid Topkapi.
Red State
Kevin Smith wrote on his blog that he finished his horror-movie script, claimed that it's "relentlessly bleak" and that he ate an entire container of chocolate-covered pretzels and a meatball sub after he finished. Apparently, the script is even bleaker than going to a Weight Watchers meeting.
Stopping Power
The plug has been pulled on that John Cusack action flick with the 51-minute nonstop chase scene. Guess they should've called it This Movie's Totally Awesome and Will Make $200 Mil.
The Mist
The trailer for the Stephen King adaptation has Thomas Jane and other supermarket shoppers being terrorized by giant insects. Dummies. The cans of Raid are on Aisle 12.
Captain Mike Across America
Michael Moore throws himself to the wolves by appearing at 2004 Bush/Cheney campaign stops in the promo photos. The way the crowds are calling for his blood, Moore kinda reminds me of a heavier version of Russell Crowe in Gladiator.
Almost Home
Hey, Jen, Jon Bon Jovi is producing a movie based on a kids' novel about homeless teens. He admits that he's taking a huge risk, but he's livin' on a prayer.
The Catch
Jim Belushi is making his feature directing debut and will also star in this real-life story about a 42-year-old who goes back to college to play football. If it were me, I'd sprain my knee during the first game and be content to hang out on the sidelines watching cheerleaders.
Mother of Tears
If you want to get good and grossed out, check out the grotesque trailer for Italian horror maestro Dario Argento's latest fright flick, which stars his daughter Asia fighting a bloodthirsty cult. Remind me to turn down my invite to their family Thanksgiving dinner.
And now, the review of
Mr. Bean's Holiday
Starring Who's in It: Rowan Atkinson, Willem Dafoe. Mr. Bean goes to France and gets involved in all sorts of wacky, near-silent, G-rated shenanigans. None of them are especially laugh-out-loud funny, unless the very sight of Atkinson making that dumbest-person-alive face makes you crack up all by itself. In a series of vignettes that would mostly be unrelated other than that they all happen to Mr. Bean, he dumps food in a lady's purse, he rides a bike really fast, he accidentally "kidnaps" a child, he winds up at the Cannes Film Festival and much more. Most film critics claim to be completely objective, but they're not. No one is. And so here's my confession: Mr. Bean has never succeeded in making me laugh. Because of this, when I see that he's in a movie, I assume that I won't laugh. And then I don't. So what I'm saying is that if you think Mr. Bean is the funniest character ever created in Western Civilization, then by all means, ignore this review. Kids will have a great time. Logan pretty much laughed all the way through. Little kids love it when people fall down, crash into things, spill food, etc. Slapstick was probably invented with children in mind. My favorite scene was when the little kid slaps Mr. Bean in the face. A lot. From a scale of 10 to 1 (10 being the best) I give it a 4.
There you have it, pholks, another entry of the Phile, and another f word changed to ph. Man, I'm getting good. Check out the Peverett Phile's Myspace page for brand new pics this week. Also, I still want to hit 3000 views by Christmas. So, spread the word, not the turd.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE
This next article is about a good friend of mine who used to work with me at Epcot about five years ago. Until recently we lost contact, and now I know why.
A St. Andrews Elementary School teacher is out on bond tonight, charged with trying to access pornography and engage in inappropriate conversations with a child through the Internet. Several law enforcement agencies, including the Federal Bureau of Investigations and the Georgia Bureau of Investigations and the Pooler Police Department searched the home of Joshua Evans in Pooler looking for evidence. They say they found what they were looking for and arrested the 25-year-old teacher.
Today, in federal court Evans was arraigned and then released on a $50,000 bond, but must remain on house arrest and cannot have access to the Internet or any contact with minors. Meanwhile across the county at St. Andrews school, administrators tell us they're in a state of shock. Headmaster EC Hubbard says all employees undergo a criminal background check and Evans had no prior history. "It's only logical the people we employ for our children are the people of good character and in my opinion, Mr. Evans was. We did an extensive criminal checks references and I personally make those calls," said Hubbard. Evans had been a music teacher at St. Andrews Elementary School for two years and the headmaster says in that period of time, none of the children were in danger. And after talking to the FBI, there's no evidence of inappropriate behavior conducted on school grounds. "While we can't understand, I believe that safe guards are sufficient that no sort of criminal conduct happened at school," said Hubbard. Hubbard says he's concerned about the school's reputation and that's why he sent a letter to all parents explaining what happened. "Our foremost concern is for the safety and welfare of our children and we take steps to ensure that safety," said Hubbard. Steps he says his administrators always take very seriously. At this point, none of the agencies involved in the Evans case are going into detail as to what led to his arrest. We should learn more when Evans makes his next court appearance which has not yet been set. Hubbard says Evans will not return to St. Andrews and the school is looking for a permanent replacement.
In the next entry I will have the follow up report.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
As the newbie of the group, Michelle Williams had a lot to prove when she joined Destiny's Child. The group's May 4, 2005 appearance on BET's '106 & Park' didn't help shed her weak-link status. During the first few seconds of DC's performance of 'Soldier,' Michelle slipped on stage and fell to the ground with a thud. Perhaps most embarrassing is that neither Kelly nor B stopped to help their fallen friend. To her credit, Michelle picked herself off, and kept on shaking while the cameras rolled, but it's an experience she'll never fully live down.
R.I.P.
Luciano Pavarotti: Pavarotting. There, it's done; that's out of the way, hope for something original.
Conservative leader the Rev. D. James Kennedy: If I'm Pat Robertson, I'm shitting bricks.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
POMPANO BEACH, Fla.-- A woman out for jog while listening to her iPod had her legs severed by a freight train because she may not have heard it coming, authorities said. Cheryl Ann Risse, 32, was recovering at a hospital Friday. Authorities did not know how she ended up in the path of the train Thursday morning, but rescue workers speculated she did not hear the locomotive coming because she was listening to her iPod. Risse often jogged across the tracks on her way to a nearby park, said Keyla Concepcion, spokeswoman for the Broward Sheriff's Office. The train engineer didn't know he had struck Risse until he returned along the same tracks minutes later, Concepcion said. A passing sheriff's deputy noticed her waving her arms. "My feet are on fire," she told Tony Long, a battalion chief for Pompano Beach Fire-Rescue, who responded to the scene. "Do you think you can put the fire out? They're really hurting." The woman was expected to survive.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1901
While shaking hands at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York, President William McKinley is shot twice in the abdomen at point-blank range with a .32 caliber revolver. He dies a week later. The assassin, an anarchist by the name of Leon Frank Czolgosz, actually is a lone gunman (for once).
1951
During a drinking party in Mexico City, author William S. Burroughs instructs his wife Joan to balance a glass of gin on her head. He then takes careful aim with his new .38 pistol, and unintentionally blows her brains out in front of their friends. The Mexican authorities later charge Burroughs with criminal imprudence.
1966
Parliamentary messenger Demetrios Tsafendas assassinates Prime Minister Hendrik Verwoerd, by sticking a knife in his chest on the floor of the South African legislature. The apartheid system had been Verwoerd's brainchild.
1986
In Istanbul, two Arab terrorists step inside the Neve Shalom synagogue on Buyuk Hendek Street during Sabbath services. They unload into the worshippers with submachine guns and grenades, killing 22 and wounding six. The incident is later attributed to Abu Nidal's terror organization.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
LONDON, England-- British authorities ruled Wednesday that research using animal eggs to create human stem cells could go forward in principle. The Human Fertilization and Embryology Authority decided to allow the research, which involves placing human DNA into cow or rabbit eggs that have had their genetic material removed. According to the ruling, projects would be decided on a case-by-case basis, said Paula Woodward, a spokeswoman for the regulator. Experts have said such research, which is currently under way in the United States and China, is critical to unlocking treatments for Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and other genetic diseases. Scientists want to use animal eggs because the supply of human eggs is limited.
However, the research has raised ethical worries. The involvement of animals has caused concern among the public, while right-to-life advocates fear it could lead ultimately to genetically modified babies -- despite the fact that the studies being considered would only allow development of eggs for a few days. The research involves taking a cow or rabbit egg which no longer has its own DNA and injecting human genetic material. The egg is induced to divide, becoming a very early embryo from which stem cells could be extracted. Some experts questioned whether residual animal traces might contaminate human DNA, thus invalidating the stem cell experiments. Advocates of the research insist it would be a human embryo made in the shell of an animal egg, though a minute amount of animal genes remain. The resulting egg contains 13 animal genes compared with some 20,000-25,000 human genes.
Dr. David King, director of the independent watchdog group Human Genetics Alert, said allowing such research to go forward would be the first step toward producing genetically modified babies.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Q: Have you heard of ginkgo Viagra? A: Yeah, it helps you remember what the fuck you were thinking.
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to pick up his wife's test results. When he gets there, the nurse at the counter tells him that there is a small problem. "We sent your wife's blood in with another Mrs. Smith and the two tests results got mixed up. Now we don't knowwhich test is your wife's and the results were bad and worse," she says. "Well, tell me the results for each test," he replies. "One test came back positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other came back positive for AIDS," the nurse says. "Oh my god…what am I going to do?" Mr. Smith asks. "Oh, don't worry, the doctor came up with an idea," the nurse replies reassuringly. "He said to drive your wife to the middle of town and drop her off there. If she remembers her way back home, don't fuck her."
RIDICULOUS BAND NAMES IN ROCK HISTORY
PORNO FOR PYROS: Former Jane's Addiction frontman Perry Farrell came up with the name while watching coverage of the LA riots on television. Presumably while jacking off. Why it's ridiculous: Pornography for pyromaniacs is, for all intents and purposes, regular pornography. Sure, there are maybe a few crazy people out there getting sexual pleasure from watching videos of people setting fires—but your garden variety pyromaniac isn't renting College Slut Matches & Gasoline Party VII. He's out burning down the neighborhood Costco. It turns out they just really like burning stuff.
DOCTOR WHO
Once again the fate of David Tennant's role as the Doctor on "Doctor Who" is in question. Earlier this year there were rumors that Tennant would not resume his role for the fourth series of the popular science fiction program. However, those rumors were quickly refuted. Now comes word directly from the BBC that the show will not be returning for a fifth series until 2010 (the fourth series premieres in 2008). It was postponed to allow Tennant to play Hamlet with the Royal Shakespeare Company late next year. A spokesperson for the show said it was too early to comment on whether or not Tennant would return for a fifth series. That doesn't mean you should be wailing uncontrollably and rending your clothing quite yet. To fill the gap Tennant will star in three "Doctor Who" specials, to air in 2009, that will be written by Russell T. Davies. In the meantime, another Christmas special, starring Kylie Minogue, will air at the end of this year. And, in the fourth series (BIT OF A SPOILER ALERT HERE) look for Catherine Tate to return as the Doctor's partner.
GEEK TALK
Now that the dust has finally settled from the summer movie season, it's time to kick back, relax and, well, gear up for next summer's blockbusters I guess. Tony Stark, a.k.a. Shell Head, a.k.a. The Golden Avenger, a.k.a. Iron Man is yet another Marvel Comics character getting the big-screen treatment, and that hotly-anticipated flick will be arriving in theaters via a nifty set of boot jets on May 2, 2008. Director Jon Favreau has posted on his Myspace page that the first teaser trailer will be playing on Monday 9/10 during several TV shows, although the most ardent of Iron Man fans will want to tune into MTV's The Hills that day because that's where the spot will air first. The teaser will show up in a bunch of places on Monday and Tuesday, including Comedy Central's "The Daily Show", "CSI" on Spike TV and "The Andy Griffith Show" on TVLand. Yeah, I did a double take on Andy Griffith too. Looks like their hitting some pretty diverse demographics. A high-res version will also be appearing on Apple.com/trailers Tuesday 9/11. Check out Favreau's Myspace for a more complete listing of shows carrying the promo. Apparently the teaser incorporates much of the footage that was shown at Comicon -- footage which, incidentally, can still be viewed via crappy cell phone video over on Youtube. Frankly, I'm surprised Paramount hasn't yanked it, but even in substandard video, the footage looks awesome, and it's all set to the Black Sabbath song 'Iron Man'. Nice. Can't wait to see the high-def version.
MOVIE BUZZ
Iron Man
In a video interview, Terrence Howard says the film about a superheroic arms manufacturer is actually anti-war. I just hope it tries to get its message of peace across with a lot of stuff getting blown up.
Saw IV
The official website's first teaser trailer is almost completely lacking in gore but features lots of people screaming while bathed in an eerie green tint. And, really, isn't the color of money more important than the color of blood at this point in the franchise?
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
A fan was able to take a ton of terrific backlot photos, including some massive outdoor sets in L.A. and inside shots of Egyptian statues. Know what would be a great gag for the film? Have Indy stumble across Han Solo frozen in carbonite hidden among the artifacts.
The Topkapi Affair
Angelina Jolie has just signed on to star alongside Pierce Brosnan in this sequel to The Thomas Crown Affair, which is an odd coincidence, because she was already planning to name her next adopted kid Topkapi.
Red State
Kevin Smith wrote on his blog that he finished his horror-movie script, claimed that it's "relentlessly bleak" and that he ate an entire container of chocolate-covered pretzels and a meatball sub after he finished. Apparently, the script is even bleaker than going to a Weight Watchers meeting.
Stopping Power
The plug has been pulled on that John Cusack action flick with the 51-minute nonstop chase scene. Guess they should've called it This Movie's Totally Awesome and Will Make $200 Mil.
The Mist
The trailer for the Stephen King adaptation has Thomas Jane and other supermarket shoppers being terrorized by giant insects. Dummies. The cans of Raid are on Aisle 12.
Captain Mike Across America
Michael Moore throws himself to the wolves by appearing at 2004 Bush/Cheney campaign stops in the promo photos. The way the crowds are calling for his blood, Moore kinda reminds me of a heavier version of Russell Crowe in Gladiator.
Almost Home
Hey, Jen, Jon Bon Jovi is producing a movie based on a kids' novel about homeless teens. He admits that he's taking a huge risk, but he's livin' on a prayer.
The Catch
Jim Belushi is making his feature directing debut and will also star in this real-life story about a 42-year-old who goes back to college to play football. If it were me, I'd sprain my knee during the first game and be content to hang out on the sidelines watching cheerleaders.
Mother of Tears
If you want to get good and grossed out, check out the grotesque trailer for Italian horror maestro Dario Argento's latest fright flick, which stars his daughter Asia fighting a bloodthirsty cult. Remind me to turn down my invite to their family Thanksgiving dinner.
And now, the review of
Mr. Bean's Holiday
Starring Who's in It: Rowan Atkinson, Willem Dafoe. Mr. Bean goes to France and gets involved in all sorts of wacky, near-silent, G-rated shenanigans. None of them are especially laugh-out-loud funny, unless the very sight of Atkinson making that dumbest-person-alive face makes you crack up all by itself. In a series of vignettes that would mostly be unrelated other than that they all happen to Mr. Bean, he dumps food in a lady's purse, he rides a bike really fast, he accidentally "kidnaps" a child, he winds up at the Cannes Film Festival and much more. Most film critics claim to be completely objective, but they're not. No one is. And so here's my confession: Mr. Bean has never succeeded in making me laugh. Because of this, when I see that he's in a movie, I assume that I won't laugh. And then I don't. So what I'm saying is that if you think Mr. Bean is the funniest character ever created in Western Civilization, then by all means, ignore this review. Kids will have a great time. Logan pretty much laughed all the way through. Little kids love it when people fall down, crash into things, spill food, etc. Slapstick was probably invented with children in mind. My favorite scene was when the little kid slaps Mr. Bean in the face. A lot. From a scale of 10 to 1 (10 being the best) I give it a 4.
There you have it, pholks, another entry of the Phile, and another f word changed to ph. Man, I'm getting good. Check out the Peverett Phile's Myspace page for brand new pics this week. Also, I still want to hit 3000 views by Christmas. So, spread the word, not the turd.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Slavery Gets Shit Done
Hello, and welcome to the Phile, the web's most updated blog. Last Sunday I got my first tattoo which was my son Logan's signature. You could see pictures of me getting it done on the Phile's Myspace site. Much to my wife's and nieces chagrin, I didn't flinch or cry like a big fat baby. They were hoping for Youtube material. After getting my tat, I did something really manly: I went to play mini golf. I got some bad news today: For the fifth time in a row, I was not selected to compete in “Dancing With the Stars.” They told me I could be on “Fat March.” Hotel billionaire Leona Helmsley passed away earlier this month after, I think, a girl in red slippers dumped a pail of water on her head. She left $12 million to her dog. Today, Larry Birkhead claimed to be the father of that dog. Today's the last day of August. The summer just flew by like a Nicole Richie jail sentence. Conservative Sen. Larry Craig pled guilty to playing footsie with an undercover police officer in the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport. Now he said he made a mistake. He shouldn’t have pled guilty. The police report says he tapped his foot, which means “I want gay sex.” It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again. There’s a new study that says people can retain an active sex life well into their 80s. Apparently old people get it on how they drive . . . go slow, run out of gas, can’t remember your name . . . Sex well into their 80s . . . Good news for Aston Kutcher. Another thing that has come out this week. Seniors spend more time in front of a computer than young people. Which I believe, actually, because it takes them so long to turn it on. Do you know how I turn on my computer? I lick it. Not such a great week for Atlanta. They’re considering banning baggy pants. The pants drag too low and expose too much. Apparently Atlanta politicians are worried about the crack problem. Not such a great week for Brazil. Vampire bat attacks on cattle have reached a record high. Cows are being attacked by vampires. I think we know where Bob Barker went for retirement. Not such a great week for Beyonce. Apparently a crowd at a Toronto concert got a look at Beyonce’s boobies. Beyonce jumped off some stairs just as a gust of wind blew her dress up. Or as I call it — perfect storm. There’s a new study that came out. It says breaking up isn’t hard to do. You should always consider where you get relationship advice from. Should you be getting relationship advice from scientists? Scientists are pasty, pear-shaped mouse torturers . . . what do they know about relationships? On last week's entry of the Phile, I forgot to add the "Today In History" pheature. The one pheature that I've been doing for over a year, I forgot to do. Guess
the hangover from the night before got to me.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Somewhere over Massachusetts is a bird that apparently doesn't care for '80s pop. At a 2004 radio concert in Mansfield, Cyndi Lauper was doused with a blob of bird poop while reaching for the high note in her classic hit 'Money Changes Everything.' The fowl fecal critique landed directly in Lauper's open mouth, but the Brooklyn-born rocker simply wiped her tongue on her sleeve and kept on singing.
R.I.P.
Hilly Kristal, the founder of legendary New York punk club CBGB: Godspeed, Hilly. Say hi to Joey, Dee Dee, & Johnny.
Richard Jewell: Talk about a guy getting a raw deal in life...
ASK PEVERETT
Q: Jason what is the maximum age for driving the Florida Turnpike south of St. Lucie? Is it true that above that age, they force you onto I-95? A: 200 give or take 3 years and no, they aren't forced onto I-95, they just kinda drift over there.
SEARCH ENGINE
It's a good thing she is cute, she can always find work as a stripper.
Cut and paste: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww
TODAY IN HISTORY
1859
At the University of Göttingen, PhD candidate Albert Niemann isolates the alkaloid C17H21NO4 from leaves of the plant Erythroxylum coca. Niemann names his white, powdery discovery "cocaine" and observes firsthand its peculiarly strong anesthetic effect: "it benumbs the nerves of the tongue, depriving it of feeling and taste."
1974
153 passengers are killed and 60 injured when a Belgrade - Dortmund express train jumps the tracks pulling into Zagreb terminal at full speed. It is Yugoslavia's worst rail disaster.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
SLUG BITES MAN: A horrified camper woke up dripping in blood — as a vicious SLUG chewed his head. John Wilson thought a wasp had stung him and shrieked when he pulled the brown slimer off his brow. It had left puncture wounds as it gnawed his skin with 27,000 tiny teeth. John, 38, said yesterday: “It was like something from a horror story. Never in my worst nightmares did I dream I would find my forehead being eaten by a slug.” The lecturer, of Acton, West London, was on a fishing trip to Papercourt Lake near Esher, Surrey. Experts said it was probably a foreign slug with longer teeth. Jackie Smithson, who lectures for The Plant Society, said: “It maybe travelled here on some fruit and managed to make its way to the lake.”Our fun picture shows how it might have looked on John’s head. Britain is facing a slimewave of 15 billion slugs as numbers have doubled in the wet summer.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock. "So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" "Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"
GEEK TALK
Apparently neither Christian Bale nor Brandon Routh are doing Warner Bros.' Justice League movie. Does that leave the studio desperate to find replacements? Not according to IESB, which always seems to have the best scoops before everyone else (to paraphrase The Joker: Where do they get these wonderful sources?). The movie site, which also broke the news that Stephen Sommers would direct G.I. Joe, claims Tom Welling is filling the cape of Superman in Justice League. This should be good news to a lot of "Smallville" fans -- as my comic-obsessed buddy says: "That's who they should have gotten in the first place [for Superman Returns]" -- but it hasn't been confirmed yet, so no celebrating just yet. Still, IESB seems more sure of this rumor than any the site has ever announced. They admit over there that they haven't gotten a reply from Welling's people and that the WB people have denied it, but they're still positive that it is true, because of the sources they've heard it from. Supermanhomepage.com got an official response from "Smallville" producer Al Gough, who said this casting "hasn't happened, won't happen, he is under contract to "Smallville" through Season 8." But IESB has recognized this debunking and still isn't backing down. The site insists Welling has the role and even points out that "Smallville" may even revolve production around the movie's shoot. As for Bale's replacement, IESB claims to also know who's playing Batman but doesn't have a good enough amount of sources to reveal it. Meanwhile, CHUD has a sarcastic response to the whole thing. The site has a joke post up claiming that Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson (poor guy) have been cast in the movie, the former as Batman and the latter as Superman. The post also brings back the old floater that Jack Black would be Green Lantern. Of course, CHUD is obviously making fun of IESB and wonder if they could get a lot of hits by just making up casting rumors, such as Jamie Bamber as Superman and Gerard Butler as Aquaman. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if IESB's latest, including the tip that Justice League will only be partially motion capture (like every other fantasy movie these days), is true.
MOVIE BUZZ
Sweeney Todd
On the one hand, stories say the horror musical's so gory that Tim Burton's been told to cut back on the blood. On the other hand, the film is now going to have a wide release at Christmastime and even has a new poster. I have the perfect promo item for them: holiday stockings withcut-off feet stuck in 'em.
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
I'm not saying that the gory, age-restricted trailer for the sequel is too violent, but after watching the warring ETs impale, disembowel and blow the heads off of the residents of a small town, I really started feeling bad for how piñatas must feel.
The Incredible Hulk
An enterprising University of Toronto student took some photos of Army trucks and a Hulk-smashed NYPD vehicle while the campus was doubling as New York City. Even smarter, the kid used the picture of the crushed car for his physics homework to figure out the force a giant green fist would need to cause the damage.
Night at the Museum 2
Ben Stiller's asked the screenwriters to make the sequel "funnier" and set it in a different museum. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't they send Stiller to one of those "science museum" places so he can have his hair stand up on end in the static electricity exhibit? That's always funny. Right?
Speed Racer
According to a blab-happy Susan Sarandon, the Wachowski brothers are using a new process where all the action onscreen is in focus like in a cartoon. Hey, as long as the story has more focus than The Matrix Revolutions and The Invasion, they can shoot it any damn way they want.
The Man of Steel
The latest plot rumor says Supes will square off against three villains: a brand-new supervillain from Krypton, a returning Lex Luthor and classic comic-book bad guy Brainiac. Yeah, like the triple-villain thing worked so well for Spider-Man 3.
Faces of Death
That remake of those '80s cult death videos is getting closer to production, and there's even a script all ready for it. The most shocking thing about this new version: that they bothered to write a script in the first place.
The Fast and the Furious 4
The Edmunds car-enthusiast website broke the story that the sequel will (a) take place in Rio; (b) team up prior series stars Paul Walker, Vin Diesel and Tyrese Gibson; and (c) put Diesel behind the wheel of a 1987 Buick GNX. Not sure what Walker and Gibson will be driving, but I'm hoping for a '73 Gremlin and a '69 Pinto.
The Happening
A Philadelphia news blog has leaked the plot to M. Night Shyamalan's latest thriller, so if you don't want to hear the spoiler, don't read any further. But apparently, it's all about a virus that causes people to commit suicide. Didn't that guy already do that to his career by making Lady in the Water?
Banzai Shadowhands
"The Office" star Rainn Wilson says he's writing and will star in a film about an alcoholic ninja. If it has at least one scene of a drunk Wilson hitting himself in the groin with a pair of nunchucks, I'm so there on opening weekend.
Control
The trailer for the biopic about post-punk bandleader Ian Curtis of Joy Division, who suffered from epilepsy, is appropriately dark and moody, and the soundtrack brings me right back to my old club-going days. Although, at the time I was told my dancing style was often mistaken for having a seizure.
Daybreakers
The first publicity still from the upcoming vampire flick features hero Ethan Hawke holding his weapon of choice: a stake-shooting crossbow. Believe it or not, the film's actually a sequel to one of Hawke's earliest hits, but producers decided to not go with the original title: Undead Poets Society.
Well, that's it for another entry of the Phile. This weekend I am planning on getting my next tat: my dad's autograph. Until then, spread the word, not the turd.
the hangover from the night before got to me.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Somewhere over Massachusetts is a bird that apparently doesn't care for '80s pop. At a 2004 radio concert in Mansfield, Cyndi Lauper was doused with a blob of bird poop while reaching for the high note in her classic hit 'Money Changes Everything.' The fowl fecal critique landed directly in Lauper's open mouth, but the Brooklyn-born rocker simply wiped her tongue on her sleeve and kept on singing.
R.I.P.
Hilly Kristal, the founder of legendary New York punk club CBGB: Godspeed, Hilly. Say hi to Joey, Dee Dee, & Johnny.
Richard Jewell: Talk about a guy getting a raw deal in life...
ASK PEVERETT
Q: Jason what is the maximum age for driving the Florida Turnpike south of St. Lucie? Is it true that above that age, they force you onto I-95? A: 200 give or take 3 years and no, they aren't forced onto I-95, they just kinda drift over there.
SEARCH ENGINE
It's a good thing she is cute, she can always find work as a stripper.
Cut and paste: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww
TODAY IN HISTORY
1859
At the University of Göttingen, PhD candidate Albert Niemann isolates the alkaloid C17H21NO4 from leaves of the plant Erythroxylum coca. Niemann names his white, powdery discovery "cocaine" and observes firsthand its peculiarly strong anesthetic effect: "it benumbs the nerves of the tongue, depriving it of feeling and taste."
1974
153 passengers are killed and 60 injured when a Belgrade - Dortmund express train jumps the tracks pulling into Zagreb terminal at full speed. It is Yugoslavia's worst rail disaster.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
SLUG BITES MAN: A horrified camper woke up dripping in blood — as a vicious SLUG chewed his head. John Wilson thought a wasp had stung him and shrieked when he pulled the brown slimer off his brow. It had left puncture wounds as it gnawed his skin with 27,000 tiny teeth. John, 38, said yesterday: “It was like something from a horror story. Never in my worst nightmares did I dream I would find my forehead being eaten by a slug.” The lecturer, of Acton, West London, was on a fishing trip to Papercourt Lake near Esher, Surrey. Experts said it was probably a foreign slug with longer teeth. Jackie Smithson, who lectures for The Plant Society, said: “It maybe travelled here on some fruit and managed to make its way to the lake.”Our fun picture shows how it might have looked on John’s head. Britain is facing a slimewave of 15 billion slugs as numbers have doubled in the wet summer.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock. "So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" "Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"
GEEK TALK
Apparently neither Christian Bale nor Brandon Routh are doing Warner Bros.' Justice League movie. Does that leave the studio desperate to find replacements? Not according to IESB, which always seems to have the best scoops before everyone else (to paraphrase The Joker: Where do they get these wonderful sources?). The movie site, which also broke the news that Stephen Sommers would direct G.I. Joe, claims Tom Welling is filling the cape of Superman in Justice League. This should be good news to a lot of "Smallville" fans -- as my comic-obsessed buddy says: "That's who they should have gotten in the first place [for Superman Returns]" -- but it hasn't been confirmed yet, so no celebrating just yet. Still, IESB seems more sure of this rumor than any the site has ever announced. They admit over there that they haven't gotten a reply from Welling's people and that the WB people have denied it, but they're still positive that it is true, because of the sources they've heard it from. Supermanhomepage.com got an official response from "Smallville" producer Al Gough, who said this casting "hasn't happened, won't happen, he is under contract to "Smallville" through Season 8." But IESB has recognized this debunking and still isn't backing down. The site insists Welling has the role and even points out that "Smallville" may even revolve production around the movie's shoot. As for Bale's replacement, IESB claims to also know who's playing Batman but doesn't have a good enough amount of sources to reveal it. Meanwhile, CHUD has a sarcastic response to the whole thing. The site has a joke post up claiming that Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson (poor guy) have been cast in the movie, the former as Batman and the latter as Superman. The post also brings back the old floater that Jack Black would be Green Lantern. Of course, CHUD is obviously making fun of IESB and wonder if they could get a lot of hits by just making up casting rumors, such as Jamie Bamber as Superman and Gerard Butler as Aquaman. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if IESB's latest, including the tip that Justice League will only be partially motion capture (like every other fantasy movie these days), is true.
MOVIE BUZZ
Sweeney Todd
On the one hand, stories say the horror musical's so gory that Tim Burton's been told to cut back on the blood. On the other hand, the film is now going to have a wide release at Christmastime and even has a new poster. I have the perfect promo item for them: holiday stockings withcut-off feet stuck in 'em.
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
I'm not saying that the gory, age-restricted trailer for the sequel is too violent, but after watching the warring ETs impale, disembowel and blow the heads off of the residents of a small town, I really started feeling bad for how piñatas must feel.
The Incredible Hulk
An enterprising University of Toronto student took some photos of Army trucks and a Hulk-smashed NYPD vehicle while the campus was doubling as New York City. Even smarter, the kid used the picture of the crushed car for his physics homework to figure out the force a giant green fist would need to cause the damage.
Night at the Museum 2
Ben Stiller's asked the screenwriters to make the sequel "funnier" and set it in a different museum. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't they send Stiller to one of those "science museum" places so he can have his hair stand up on end in the static electricity exhibit? That's always funny. Right?
Speed Racer
According to a blab-happy Susan Sarandon, the Wachowski brothers are using a new process where all the action onscreen is in focus like in a cartoon. Hey, as long as the story has more focus than The Matrix Revolutions and The Invasion, they can shoot it any damn way they want.
The Man of Steel
The latest plot rumor says Supes will square off against three villains: a brand-new supervillain from Krypton, a returning Lex Luthor and classic comic-book bad guy Brainiac. Yeah, like the triple-villain thing worked so well for Spider-Man 3.
Faces of Death
That remake of those '80s cult death videos is getting closer to production, and there's even a script all ready for it. The most shocking thing about this new version: that they bothered to write a script in the first place.
The Fast and the Furious 4
The Edmunds car-enthusiast website broke the story that the sequel will (a) take place in Rio; (b) team up prior series stars Paul Walker, Vin Diesel and Tyrese Gibson; and (c) put Diesel behind the wheel of a 1987 Buick GNX. Not sure what Walker and Gibson will be driving, but I'm hoping for a '73 Gremlin and a '69 Pinto.
The Happening
A Philadelphia news blog has leaked the plot to M. Night Shyamalan's latest thriller, so if you don't want to hear the spoiler, don't read any further. But apparently, it's all about a virus that causes people to commit suicide. Didn't that guy already do that to his career by making Lady in the Water?
Banzai Shadowhands
"The Office" star Rainn Wilson says he's writing and will star in a film about an alcoholic ninja. If it has at least one scene of a drunk Wilson hitting himself in the groin with a pair of nunchucks, I'm so there on opening weekend.
Control
The trailer for the biopic about post-punk bandleader Ian Curtis of Joy Division, who suffered from epilepsy, is appropriately dark and moody, and the soundtrack brings me right back to my old club-going days. Although, at the time I was told my dancing style was often mistaken for having a seizure.
Daybreakers
The first publicity still from the upcoming vampire flick features hero Ethan Hawke holding his weapon of choice: a stake-shooting crossbow. Believe it or not, the film's actually a sequel to one of Hawke's earliest hits, but producers decided to not go with the original title: Undead Poets Society.
Well, that's it for another entry of the Phile. This weekend I am planning on getting my next tat: my dad's autograph. Until then, spread the word, not the turd.
Friday, August 24, 2007
One Person Can Change The World But I'll Change It Back
Hello, Phans, welcome to the most updated blog on the internet, the Peverett Phile, I'm your host, Flat Duo Peverett. The blog is a date late as last night myself and one of my best freinds Jim went to see Dexter Romweber who used to be in the band The Flat Duo Jets. So, while we were there, we found this amazing touch screen juke box. We looked to see if they ahd any Foghat and they had 22 Foghat songs on it. The whole "Best Of" CD and "Live" CD. So, we picked four songs to play. This long haired pony-tailed man said when "Road Fever" was playing. "Who picked this song? It fucking sucks." And Jim said, "If you can find your father's song on this g-damned jukebox, you can play it as well." Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama’s luggage. The 'New York Times' reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes At New York Tim.' There's a new sex poll. ... According to researchers, there are 237 reasons why people have sex. ... For me, number two would be my credit card went through. A little farther down on the list, I happen to be in an elevator with Reese Witherspoon. ... Reason 237: something to do while my wife is running for president. One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. Now they're thinking, if they can just marry off Condoleezza Rice. Yea, it looks pretty good that Jenna's getting married, but first the guy has to be confirmed by Congress. ... It's going to be an expensive wedding. I guess it's no surprise, the $3 billion contract went to Halliburton. Presidential advisor Karl Rove has resigned. Were you aware about that -- he's resigned. He says he wants to spend more time leaking information about his family. You folks see the Democratic presidential debates over the weekend? Oh man, this debate, woah, it was very intense. The loser, the loser of the debate was taken out back and drown by Michael Vick. You like presidential birthdays? Oh! Who doesn't. Well, over the weekend former president Bill Clinton turned 61, 61! Happy birthday Bill. Bill enjoyed a romantic candlelight dinner and dancing, then he went home to Hillary. And speaking of Hillary, she'll be my first victim in a new pheature I'd like to call...
DUMB QUOTES FROM THE 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES
"We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
"God bless the America we are trying to create."
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Pete Townshend is legendary for his intense guitar playing. But in August 1989, Pete's ax fought back with a vengeance. During a stop in Tacoma, Wash., Pete impaled his right hand on its whammy bar while performing his famous windmill move. This wasn't the only time the Who guitarist has hurt his hand. Back in 1981, Townshend punched a wall backstage during a tour, breaking several bones. Ten years later, he shattered his wrist into a dozen fragments in a bike accident that threatened to end his career.
R.I.P.
Leona Helmsley: Que munchkins: "Ding dong, etc..."
Eddie Griffin: Merv must be devastated...Oh. Sorry. Never mind.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
PENSACOLA, Fla. - A man charged with dialing 911 to chat with dispatchers nearly 300 times in the last month remained in jail Wednesday. Cheveon Alonzo Ford, 21, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with making obscene and harassing telephone calls. He told authorities he began calling 911 because "I have no minutes on my phone and 911 is a free call" the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said in a news release. Ford was being held on a $50,000 bond Wednesday afternoon.
Officers used GPS coordinates from Ford's cell phone to track his location to the west Pensacola home where he was arrested, the Pensacola News Journal Reported.
"His phone service had been cut off and 911 was the only number he could dial from the phone," said Bob Boschen, communication chief for Escambia County. Boschen said many of Ford's 292 calls were sexual in nature. "When he would call and a male dispatcher would answer, he would hang up," he said. "Our policy says that if a caller is belligerent in nature we have to get enough information to process the call and then we can disconnect," he said. Ford never asked dispatchers for help or indicated he was in trouble.
CANNED LAUGHTER
A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks. The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third. “Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”
NUTTED BY REALITY
I'm praying that those of us still watching this show witnessed the series finale of "On The Lot" and not a season finale. If this show ever gets a second season, I may be forced to boycott all future Burnett and Spielberg productions, and I really want to see the next "Survivor" and Jurassic Park IV. Well, maybe not so much Jurassic Park IV.
Anyhow, take all the things you disliked about this season and point the world's most powerful electron microscope at them. That's about what these last two episodes have been like. It's been painful in every nearly respect and I'm glad to finally be put out of my misery. In all honesty, I'm not even sure how to go about reviewing this episode. Fox probably could have condensed this show into a minute. I can probably condense this review into one word: crap. Do I care that Will liked Under the Gun, Jason liked Catch, and Adam liked Die Hardly Working? Frankly? No. I barely cared about the films the three finalists showed. That pretty much ensures I don't care about the films the non-finalists made six to twelve weeks ago. I also like how Adriana casually dropped the following tidbit around 40 minutes into the episode. "One, two, or possibly all of you probably have a fairly decent Internet following that used the world wide web to vote for you when one of your films was up. Unfortunately, Internet voting didn't work this weekend so you better pray they liked you enough to call on their phone or payed to text message a vote in for you. Sorry." Internet voting didn't work on the most important vote night of the season?! The one where Fox/Dreamworks gives 1 Million dollars to an amateur filmmaker, effectively altering the course of their life forever? Is anyone else appalled by this revelation? How did the directors not jump out of their chairs and dropkick Adriana across the stage? I would have been livid! Anyhow, long story short, Adriana kicked Adam off the lot and it came down to Jason and Will. Some faux tension was built with a commercial break, and Adriana came out and announced that Will Bigham was the winner of "On The Lot". There was some applause, Will got into a limousine, and was carted off to see "his new boss" on the Dreamworks studio. We finally hit paydirt. Spielberg, who I suspected earlier in the season was doing everything in his power to keep his mug off the screen as it pertained to this show, met Will Bigham with open arms and congratulated him for winning the competition. Spielberg mentioned that Will won out of 12,000 applicants to the show, and he also mentioned that he liked Yes Men, Lucky Penny, and Glass Eye. Spielberg appreciated Will's craft, liked his comic timing, and overall, thought he was a great film maker. Steven than said, "Welcome to our lot. Let's go in. Here's a key to your office." The part we didn't see is where Spielberg yanked the key back, called security, and had them forcefully escort Will off of Dreamwork's property. Spielberg could be heard yelling, "Check out my IMDB page sometime. I've got more talent in my beard than you have in your entire body. America got it wrong." Zach then pulled up in a second limousine, Spielberg handed him the key to the office, and nudged him toward a treasure chest filled with gold bullion. Okay, so nothing in the last three sentences really happened, but it'd have made for a much more interesting finale, wouldn't it have? In all seriousness, congratulations to Will Bigham. Of the bunch, he was definitely the most deserving.
Thanks for suffering through the show and reviews with me all season. It's been fun.
GEEK TALK
Well, we might be getting a big screen version of DC Comic's Justice League sooner than we thought. Robert Sanchez at IESB reports that sources at Warner Bros. confirm that "execs behind the Justice League of America want it to be in production as early as February/March 2008 to be ready for a summer of 2009 release." Last June, Erik reported that a completed script for the film had been turned in by Kiernan and Michele Mulroney. IESB's sources now say Warner was so happy with the result, the studio decided to set an early start date for the film. We've already heard talk that George Miller (Mad Max) will be signed to direct, but, the big question still remains: With new installments of Batman and Superman on the way, will WB be able to create a crossover with Christian Bale and Brandon Routh reprising their respective roles? Routh seemed more enthusiastic about the idea than Bale, but if WB is in a rush to get Justice League off the ground, the studio will have to start making some decisions. Casting Routh or Bale could cause serious delays with either a potential third Batman film or the next Superman film, The Man of Steel -- which are two pretty big franchises for WB to gamble with. On the other hand, Justice League could launch a franchise all its own. Plus, the film offers the chance for tie-ins with upcoming big screen versions of Wonder Woman and The Flash. So far nothing is official, so stay tuned for JLA updates as they come my way.
MOVIE BUZZ
Powder Blue
For her next role, Jessica Biel will be shedding her clothes and appearing nude onscreen for the first time. The film is about … ah, who cares? They had me at "Jessica Biel nude."
Transformers 2
Furious that Paramount is refusing to support Blu-ray disc technology, Michael Bay says he's absolutely not directing the sequel. Unless of course, his paycheck suddenly "transforms," if you know what I mean.
Religulous
Bill Maher wants his documentary that spoofs religion to be released next Easter weekend, a move that's so blasphemous it's bound to make Jesus roll in His grave. Well, if He were actually still in there …
Shine a Light
In the trailer for the Rolling Stones documentary, you can see the band arguing with Martin Scorsese on how to film their concert performance. Hey, Stones, the man puts your song "Gimme Shelter" in three of his Oscar-winning films and you still think he needs your advice?
Fourth Friday Movie
Thrilled with Rush Hour 3's recent B.O. success, Chris Tucker says he's all fired up to reunite with Ice Cube for his other main franchise role. Great, he's gone from starring as a guy addicted to weed to a guy addicted to starring in sequels.
Harold & Kumar 2
Speaking of stoners, the hapless pair from the White Castle movie are accused of being terrorists while on a trip to Amsterdam in the first trailer. Bong hit, bomb hit — yeah, they kind of sound similar.
Cassandra's Dream
In the trailer for Woody Allen's latest thriller (just ignore the French subtitles), Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell learn a lesson in "family loyalty." Yep, that's the perfect subject to be taught by the director who ended up marrying his stepdaughter.
Adventureland
Superbad director Greg Mottola already has his next film lined up, about some poor schlub forced to work at an amusement park during his summer vacation. If he needs some script ideas, I have an amusing one about the time I vomited on the Tilt-A-Whirl. Well, amusing for me, not so amusing for the kid sitting next to me.
1-18-08
Sounds like New Yorkers won't be terrorized by just one big monster in J.J. Abrams' mysterious film. They'll also be chased and eaten by smaller versions of the main behemoth. Um, J.J. did see the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla before he agreed to this, right?
I'm Not There
There's a trailer for the unusual biopic of Bob Dylan, starring a bunch of different actors as the folk hero, including Christian Bale, Richard Gere and Cate Blanchett. Of course, director Todd Haynes didn't cast anyone who could actually sing, because if he did, then the movie totally wouldn't be realistic.
Justice League of America
They say the superhero team-up flick is being rushed into production next year for a 2009 release and is mostly geared as a launching pad for eventual Aquaman, Flash, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman solo flicks. I dunno, maybe they should change their group name from the Justice League to the Second Bananas?
The Strangers
Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler are threatened and brutalized in their own home in this trailer. Although I'm not sure if their attackers are serial killers or just overzealous Jehovah's Witnesses.
And now, because my last entry was all in Cockney, and I didn't want to review this movie I saw before my trip to England, here's the review of Underdog.
Underdog
Starring James Belushi, Peter Dinklage, Patrick Warburton, Alex Neuberger; voices of Jason Lee, Amy Adams and Brad Garrett. A talking, flying, cape-wearing beagle fights crimes. He also thwarts a mad scientist who wants to do mad scientist-y things to the world. The verdict for adults: painless and under 90 minutes. The verdict for little kids: best talking, flying, cape-wearing, beagle-fighting-crime movie ever. Normally, when a big studio refuses to show a film to critics, that means you're dealing with something like Captivity or I Know Who Killed Me. They usually don't hold back on letting you see the harmlessly mediocre kids' movies. If it's guilty of any crime, then it's the one where no original thought went into it at all. And for the grown-up audience, that means you'll forget it the second it's over, you won't feel enraged by the way it insults you, and you won't want to claw your own eyes out. These are important distinctions to make when you're discussing lazily created movies for kids. Dinklage as mad scientist Simon Bar-Sinister and Warburton as his oafish assistant Cad are kind of in their own silly movie, and they seem to be having a really good time. I even laughed along with some of the stuff they do, like when Dinklage intones, "The flames of inspiration are licking at my brain!" and he makes it sound like he's doing Macbeth in the West End. They shouldn't have shown any of the original cartoon over the opening credits. That just makes little kids confused and think they're about to see a cartoon. It just makes adults peevish that they're not about to see the cool old cartoon they remember so fondly. Bad decision. If this does big business, and it just might, because the 10 a.m. Sunday screening was packed with mommies and kids … but anyway, if it does big business, then does that mean we can look forward to a live-action Super Chicken? I think about stuff like this.
Well, there you go, another entry. Check out the Phile's webshots page for some
pictures from my trip to England. I will be posting more soon. Until next Thursday, spread the word, not the turd.
Special thanks to Jim, David and Conan.
DUMB QUOTES FROM THE 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES
"We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
"God bless the America we are trying to create."
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Pete Townshend is legendary for his intense guitar playing. But in August 1989, Pete's ax fought back with a vengeance. During a stop in Tacoma, Wash., Pete impaled his right hand on its whammy bar while performing his famous windmill move. This wasn't the only time the Who guitarist has hurt his hand. Back in 1981, Townshend punched a wall backstage during a tour, breaking several bones. Ten years later, he shattered his wrist into a dozen fragments in a bike accident that threatened to end his career.
R.I.P.
Leona Helmsley: Que munchkins: "Ding dong, etc..."
Eddie Griffin: Merv must be devastated...Oh. Sorry. Never mind.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
PENSACOLA, Fla. - A man charged with dialing 911 to chat with dispatchers nearly 300 times in the last month remained in jail Wednesday. Cheveon Alonzo Ford, 21, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with making obscene and harassing telephone calls. He told authorities he began calling 911 because "I have no minutes on my phone and 911 is a free call" the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said in a news release. Ford was being held on a $50,000 bond Wednesday afternoon.
Officers used GPS coordinates from Ford's cell phone to track his location to the west Pensacola home where he was arrested, the Pensacola News Journal Reported.
"His phone service had been cut off and 911 was the only number he could dial from the phone," said Bob Boschen, communication chief for Escambia County. Boschen said many of Ford's 292 calls were sexual in nature. "When he would call and a male dispatcher would answer, he would hang up," he said. "Our policy says that if a caller is belligerent in nature we have to get enough information to process the call and then we can disconnect," he said. Ford never asked dispatchers for help or indicated he was in trouble.
CANNED LAUGHTER
A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks. The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third. “Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”
NUTTED BY REALITY
I'm praying that those of us still watching this show witnessed the series finale of "On The Lot" and not a season finale. If this show ever gets a second season, I may be forced to boycott all future Burnett and Spielberg productions, and I really want to see the next "Survivor" and Jurassic Park IV. Well, maybe not so much Jurassic Park IV.
Anyhow, take all the things you disliked about this season and point the world's most powerful electron microscope at them. That's about what these last two episodes have been like. It's been painful in every nearly respect and I'm glad to finally be put out of my misery. In all honesty, I'm not even sure how to go about reviewing this episode. Fox probably could have condensed this show into a minute. I can probably condense this review into one word: crap. Do I care that Will liked Under the Gun, Jason liked Catch, and Adam liked Die Hardly Working? Frankly? No. I barely cared about the films the three finalists showed. That pretty much ensures I don't care about the films the non-finalists made six to twelve weeks ago. I also like how Adriana casually dropped the following tidbit around 40 minutes into the episode. "One, two, or possibly all of you probably have a fairly decent Internet following that used the world wide web to vote for you when one of your films was up. Unfortunately, Internet voting didn't work this weekend so you better pray they liked you enough to call on their phone or payed to text message a vote in for you. Sorry." Internet voting didn't work on the most important vote night of the season?! The one where Fox/Dreamworks gives 1 Million dollars to an amateur filmmaker, effectively altering the course of their life forever? Is anyone else appalled by this revelation? How did the directors not jump out of their chairs and dropkick Adriana across the stage? I would have been livid! Anyhow, long story short, Adriana kicked Adam off the lot and it came down to Jason and Will. Some faux tension was built with a commercial break, and Adriana came out and announced that Will Bigham was the winner of "On The Lot". There was some applause, Will got into a limousine, and was carted off to see "his new boss" on the Dreamworks studio. We finally hit paydirt. Spielberg, who I suspected earlier in the season was doing everything in his power to keep his mug off the screen as it pertained to this show, met Will Bigham with open arms and congratulated him for winning the competition. Spielberg mentioned that Will won out of 12,000 applicants to the show, and he also mentioned that he liked Yes Men, Lucky Penny, and Glass Eye. Spielberg appreciated Will's craft, liked his comic timing, and overall, thought he was a great film maker. Steven than said, "Welcome to our lot. Let's go in. Here's a key to your office." The part we didn't see is where Spielberg yanked the key back, called security, and had them forcefully escort Will off of Dreamwork's property. Spielberg could be heard yelling, "Check out my IMDB page sometime. I've got more talent in my beard than you have in your entire body. America got it wrong." Zach then pulled up in a second limousine, Spielberg handed him the key to the office, and nudged him toward a treasure chest filled with gold bullion. Okay, so nothing in the last three sentences really happened, but it'd have made for a much more interesting finale, wouldn't it have? In all seriousness, congratulations to Will Bigham. Of the bunch, he was definitely the most deserving.
Thanks for suffering through the show and reviews with me all season. It's been fun.
GEEK TALK
Well, we might be getting a big screen version of DC Comic's Justice League sooner than we thought. Robert Sanchez at IESB reports that sources at Warner Bros. confirm that "execs behind the Justice League of America want it to be in production as early as February/March 2008 to be ready for a summer of 2009 release." Last June, Erik reported that a completed script for the film had been turned in by Kiernan and Michele Mulroney. IESB's sources now say Warner was so happy with the result, the studio decided to set an early start date for the film. We've already heard talk that George Miller (Mad Max) will be signed to direct, but, the big question still remains: With new installments of Batman and Superman on the way, will WB be able to create a crossover with Christian Bale and Brandon Routh reprising their respective roles? Routh seemed more enthusiastic about the idea than Bale, but if WB is in a rush to get Justice League off the ground, the studio will have to start making some decisions. Casting Routh or Bale could cause serious delays with either a potential third Batman film or the next Superman film, The Man of Steel -- which are two pretty big franchises for WB to gamble with. On the other hand, Justice League could launch a franchise all its own. Plus, the film offers the chance for tie-ins with upcoming big screen versions of Wonder Woman and The Flash. So far nothing is official, so stay tuned for JLA updates as they come my way.
MOVIE BUZZ
Powder Blue
For her next role, Jessica Biel will be shedding her clothes and appearing nude onscreen for the first time. The film is about … ah, who cares? They had me at "Jessica Biel nude."
Transformers 2
Furious that Paramount is refusing to support Blu-ray disc technology, Michael Bay says he's absolutely not directing the sequel. Unless of course, his paycheck suddenly "transforms," if you know what I mean.
Religulous
Bill Maher wants his documentary that spoofs religion to be released next Easter weekend, a move that's so blasphemous it's bound to make Jesus roll in His grave. Well, if He were actually still in there …
Shine a Light
In the trailer for the Rolling Stones documentary, you can see the band arguing with Martin Scorsese on how to film their concert performance. Hey, Stones, the man puts your song "Gimme Shelter" in three of his Oscar-winning films and you still think he needs your advice?
Fourth Friday Movie
Thrilled with Rush Hour 3's recent B.O. success, Chris Tucker says he's all fired up to reunite with Ice Cube for his other main franchise role. Great, he's gone from starring as a guy addicted to weed to a guy addicted to starring in sequels.
Harold & Kumar 2
Speaking of stoners, the hapless pair from the White Castle movie are accused of being terrorists while on a trip to Amsterdam in the first trailer. Bong hit, bomb hit — yeah, they kind of sound similar.
Cassandra's Dream
In the trailer for Woody Allen's latest thriller (just ignore the French subtitles), Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell learn a lesson in "family loyalty." Yep, that's the perfect subject to be taught by the director who ended up marrying his stepdaughter.
Adventureland
Superbad director Greg Mottola already has his next film lined up, about some poor schlub forced to work at an amusement park during his summer vacation. If he needs some script ideas, I have an amusing one about the time I vomited on the Tilt-A-Whirl. Well, amusing for me, not so amusing for the kid sitting next to me.
1-18-08
Sounds like New Yorkers won't be terrorized by just one big monster in J.J. Abrams' mysterious film. They'll also be chased and eaten by smaller versions of the main behemoth. Um, J.J. did see the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla before he agreed to this, right?
I'm Not There
There's a trailer for the unusual biopic of Bob Dylan, starring a bunch of different actors as the folk hero, including Christian Bale, Richard Gere and Cate Blanchett. Of course, director Todd Haynes didn't cast anyone who could actually sing, because if he did, then the movie totally wouldn't be realistic.
Justice League of America
They say the superhero team-up flick is being rushed into production next year for a 2009 release and is mostly geared as a launching pad for eventual Aquaman, Flash, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman solo flicks. I dunno, maybe they should change their group name from the Justice League to the Second Bananas?
The Strangers
Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler are threatened and brutalized in their own home in this trailer. Although I'm not sure if their attackers are serial killers or just overzealous Jehovah's Witnesses.
And now, because my last entry was all in Cockney, and I didn't want to review this movie I saw before my trip to England, here's the review of Underdog.
Underdog
Starring James Belushi, Peter Dinklage, Patrick Warburton, Alex Neuberger; voices of Jason Lee, Amy Adams and Brad Garrett. A talking, flying, cape-wearing beagle fights crimes. He also thwarts a mad scientist who wants to do mad scientist-y things to the world. The verdict for adults: painless and under 90 minutes. The verdict for little kids: best talking, flying, cape-wearing, beagle-fighting-crime movie ever. Normally, when a big studio refuses to show a film to critics, that means you're dealing with something like Captivity or I Know Who Killed Me. They usually don't hold back on letting you see the harmlessly mediocre kids' movies. If it's guilty of any crime, then it's the one where no original thought went into it at all. And for the grown-up audience, that means you'll forget it the second it's over, you won't feel enraged by the way it insults you, and you won't want to claw your own eyes out. These are important distinctions to make when you're discussing lazily created movies for kids. Dinklage as mad scientist Simon Bar-Sinister and Warburton as his oafish assistant Cad are kind of in their own silly movie, and they seem to be having a really good time. I even laughed along with some of the stuff they do, like when Dinklage intones, "The flames of inspiration are licking at my brain!" and he makes it sound like he's doing Macbeth in the West End. They shouldn't have shown any of the original cartoon over the opening credits. That just makes little kids confused and think they're about to see a cartoon. It just makes adults peevish that they're not about to see the cool old cartoon they remember so fondly. Bad decision. If this does big business, and it just might, because the 10 a.m. Sunday screening was packed with mommies and kids … but anyway, if it does big business, then does that mean we can look forward to a live-action Super Chicken? I think about stuff like this.
Well, there you go, another entry. Check out the Phile's webshots page for some
pictures from my trip to England. I will be posting more soon. Until next Thursday, spread the word, not the turd.
Special thanks to Jim, David and Conan.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
England's Latest Clown
Awright geeezzaa! Hello, Phile Phans, I am back from my trip ter England, an' I'm glad ter say da whole time I was there i' was 'ot an' sunny. And ov caaahrse, I'm takin' full credit. . Sorted mate. And as yew can tell, I picked up my old David Hockney accen' when I was there. I'd like ter vank my cousins Michele an' Pete fer puttin' me up, an' Nanny Rose fer not changin' one bit. Sorted mate. Lawd above! The weight ov Hurricane Flossie is bearin' down on Hawaii. This stawm is so 'uge what already FEMA is makin' preparashuns ter ignawer it. The toy company Mattel is recallin' Nervo million toys because they may be dangerous. Mummys boys are dangerous! Just look at da names: Mr. Grenado Blood Red . . . Hungry Hungry Hitler . . . Crack in da Darky Cox . . . Van Halen 'ave announced they are ge'in' back together. They'll start taaahrin' on September 27. On September 28, they'll realize what David Lee Rof is a pain in da ass, an' they'll break up again. . , innit. Anuvver presidential debate. The elecshun is still a year away an' we’ve 'ad 90 debates so far. We’ve whittled i' down ter 690 candidates. . , innit. Blimey! This debate was sponsawerd by a gay group. Sen. Hillary Clin'ern was criticized fer 'er husband’s "Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. In response, Hillary said, "Sorry . . . Aaahr entire marriage is based on me not askin' an' 'im not telling.” In a new in'erview, Angelina Jolie said what ter prove 'er commitmen' ter Brad Pitt, she’s decided ter give up sleepin' wiv women. When 'e 'eard dis, Brad Pitt said, "Dear God what 'ave I done?” A group ov investors announced they plan on openin' a 'otel in space. A weekend stay'll cost $4 million. It'll cost yew anuvver million ter eat a Snickers from da mini bar. . Nuff said, yeah? Here’s somethin' what 'appened dis week. Presiden' Bush’s approval ratin' wen' up. He wen' from wildly unpopular, ter just really unpopular. Soccer mania is sweepin' America. Wif da arrival ov Spice chicken pie David Beckham, people 'ave gone absolutely nuts. He got a $250 million deal ter play fer da L.A. Galaxy. Last night they played their faaahrf game of da season. Two 'undred an' bulls eye million is a hoppin' pot fer a spawt people wan' ter see . . . Never mind soccer. Which I think raised just below pin' pong on television. A couple in Arkansas 'ad their 17f child. Afterwards, da uvver 16 teapot lids frew their dad a "We get i' — you’re not gay” party. It’s a great week fer Barry Bonds. He finally broke da 'omerun record. He celebrated last night wiv an expensive bottle ov champagne which 'e injected in'er 'is ass. Not such a great week fer Donald Trump. His casinos are losin' money. How does a casino lose money? It goes against da laws ov physics. Then again, so does what thin' on 'is 'ead. There was a chicken pie in New York who got arrested fer smugglin' a ki' kat chunky onto a plane. I can’t get faaahr ounces ov shavin' creme onto a plane! How’s 'e get ki' kat chunky on there?
Awright geeezzaa! UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS. Sorted mate.
Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic was a wild geezer when 'e got on stage, but 'is antics surf an' dreft mawer of an impression van 'e in'ended at da 1993 VMA awards. Near da conclusion ov da group's perfawmance ov 'Lithium,' Krist frew 'is guitar in'er da air, only ter 'ave i' 'i' 'im squarely in da 'ead on its descent. He fell ter da ground and crawled offstage while da rest ov da band played on. . OK?
Lor' luv a duck! R.I.P. Know what I mean?
Lawd above! PHIL RIZZUTO, innit: He's gon'a Paradise by da dashboard light. Know what I mean?
Luv a duck! Merv Griffin. Know what I mean?: If 'e died Saturday, that's one year ter da day ov Mike Douglas' dearf. Know what I mean? For those who track such oddities, Johnny Carson died wivin days ov da one year anniversary ov Jack Paar's demise.
Awright geeezzaa! Today In History. Sorted mate.
1057
Macbef is killed in da Battle ov Lumphanan in Aberdeenshire. He 'ad been kin' ov Scotland fer 17 years.
1935
Will Rogers, da most famous geezer in America, dies near Barrow, Alaska when 'is sea plane plunges in'er a lagoon. At da time, he an' one-eyed aviator Wiley Beans on Toast were surveyin' possible flight parfs between Seattle an' da Soviet Union.
1969
Woodstock begins on Max Yasgur's farm in upstate New York. Tickets are $18 fer free days ov coun'erculture musical acts, includin' Jimi Hendrix, The Who, an' Sha- Na-Na.
1994
In'ernashunal terrorist Carlos da Jackal is jailed in France. The assassin was turned over by da Sudanese governmen' after 'e checked in'er a Khartoum 'ospital fer varicose vein surgery on one ov 'is testicle. . , innit.
Lor' luv a duck! Nashun Of Shopkeepers . Know what I mean?
Lawd above! A geezer 'as died a week after bein' attacked by two teenagers 'e confron'ed fer frowin' litter in'er a jam jar window. Evren Anil, 23, was in da fron' passenger seat when da pair frew rubbish fruff da open window as da jam jar waited at traffic lights. When challenged one ov da yowfs an' allk aaaht a knife an' Mr Anil was stabbed awer punched in da face, police said. Five people 'ave been arrested an' bailed over da attack in Central Jack an' Jill, Crystal Palace, sowf-east London. Mr Anil, ov Upper Norwood, suffered 'ead injuries in da attack at abaaaht midday on Ching August an' died in 'ospital on Monday. Garfers said a passer-by in'ervened when da yowfs produced a knife, but what person surf an' dreft da scene when freatened by da yowf. The passer-by then alerted da emergency services. Bof suspects, who were described as bein' black an' in their late teens, ran beef stroganoff in'er da nearby Central Jack an' Jill Estate. Det Ch Insp Cliff Lyons said: "This was an excessive use ov violence by two yowfs who apparently attacked Mr Anil because 'e dared ter challenge their behaviaaahr. "He never recovered from da injuries 'e sustained what day an' leaves behind a family 'ryin' ter come ter terms wiv their loss.". , innit.
Lor' luv a duck! CANNED LAUGHTER. Know what I mean?
Awright geeezzaa! Q: What did da male fly say ter da female fly sittin' on a pile ov cheek by jow shit? A: “Pardon me, but is dis stool taken?”
A geezer en'ers da 'ospital fer a circumcision. When 'e comes ter after da procedure, 'e’s perturbed ter see several doctors standin' around 'is bed. “Son, there’s been a bi' ov a mix-up,” admits da surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, an' we were forced ter perfawm a sex-change operashun. You now 'ave a vagina instead ov a penis.” “What!” gasps da patient. “You sean bean I’ll never experience anuvver erecshun?” “Oh, yew might,” da surgeon reassures 'im. “Just not yaaahrs.”
Three blondes died in an acciden' 'ryin' ter jump da Grand Canyon. They are at da pearly gates ov Heaven. St. Peter tells 'em that they can en'er da gates only if they can answer one mole & pimple religious quesshun. The quesshun posed by St. Peter is, “What is Easter?” The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s da 'oliday in November when we all get together, eat Pinky an' perky an' are vankful.” “Pete Tong!, yew ain't welcome 'ere, I’m afraid. You must go ter da uvver place!” replies St. Peter. Then 'e turns ter da second blonde, an' asks 'er da same quesshun, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is da holiday in December when we put up a apples an' rice tree, exchange presents, an' celebrate da birf ov Jesus.” St. Peter looks at da second blonde, bangs his 'ead on da pearly gates in disgust an' tells 'er she’s pete tong an''ll 'ave ter join 'er friend in da uvver place; she ain't welcome in Heaven. He then peers over 'is glasses at da third blonde an' asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?” The third blonde smiles confidently an' looks St. Peter in da eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously. “Easter is da Christian 'oliday what coincides wiv da Jewish celebrashun ov Passover. Jesus and 'is disciples were eatin' at da last supper an' Jesus was later deceived an' turned over ter da Romans by one ov 'is disciples. The Romans an' allk 'im ter be crucified an' 'e was stabbed in da side, made ter wear a crown ov thorns, an' was hung on a cross wiv nails fruff 'is 'ands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed beef stroganoff by a large boulder.” St. Peter smiles broadly wiv delight. Then da third blonde continues, “Every year da boulder is moved aside so what Jesus can come aaaht and, if 'e sees 'is shadow, there will be six mawer weeks ov win'er!”. OK?
Lawd above! NUTTED BY REALITY. , innit.
Initially, I was opposed ter da way they planned ter do this finale. It just seemed natural what da final free directors should have 'ad ter complete some monumun'al 5-10 minute piece ov work what truly exemplified their talents as a director. The prize is a million dollar deal wiv Dreamworks, after all, not a first place trophy at da local movie festival. Then, after thinkin' abaaaht i' fer a bit, i' actually made some sense fer 'em ter do i' this way. To make da directors create a new piece ov work, an' totally neglect their previous body of work would 'ave been unfair - particularly if they were 'avin' an beef stroganoff day. It'd 'ave been nice ter what these guys could do given somethin' mawer van a couple ov minutes, but I can see 'ow what could be construed as a little unfair ter da con'estants who didn't make i' ter da final free. That said, forcin' America ter watch da same movies fer da season finale 'as ter go down as one ov da lamest things on Buzz Bee in a long time. They could've done so barethings. Spielberg could 'ave busted aaaht on da stage wiv a snappy bi' ofa glance number. America could have voted ter see which skimpy outfi' Adrianna Costa would be forced ter wear. The remainin' free directors could 'ave been forced ter wrestle ter da dearf in baby oil as da final means ov winnin' da grand prize. Anythin' else would 'ave been be'er. We've invested a bee's knees 16 weeks in this seethin' sack ov suck, an' I don't feel like there's really been any pay beef stroganoff. Din' Dong Bell, I don't even really care who wins at this point, an' I sure as 'ell won't remember one ov the se directors' names should a miracle occur an' they actually get a movie created under da Dreamworks umbrella. Okay, I'm done ranting. So, each finalist ended up selectin' two movies from all da movies they 'ad done this summer. I've poin'ed 'em aaaht below along wiv some brief thoughts after viewin' 'em fer a second time. . Know what I mean?
MOVIE BUZZ
The Wackness
The 63-year-old Ben Kingsley repawtedly 'as a 'ot makeaaaht scene wiv Mary- Kate Olsen in this comedy abaaaht a drug dealer who's in therapy. Mary-Kate was frilled ter kiss one ov 'er idols. She said da 'unger strike scenes in Sir Ben's Gandwotcherhave been a real influence on 'er eatin' 'abits., innit.
The Jonavan Ross'd Boys: The Tribe
Looks like Cawery Haim is gon'a make an appearance in da direct-to-DVD sequel after all. I guess producers saw 'is fake cryin' jag on a phony "reality" show, an' i' proved ter 'em that da dude actually can still act. Sorted mate.
Jurassic Light an' Dark IV
The latest rumor aaaht there is what da dinos'll be trained by da governmen' ter wield guns. Of caaahrse, when I first 'eard what a dinosaur was goin' terbe carryin' firearms, I naturally assumed i' was just anuvver news story abaaaht Stallone in John Rambo. OK?
Porky's
Howard Stern 'as announced what 'is remake of da classic filthy teen comedy 'a s finally gotten da green light after two differen' scripts bein' developed at da same time were combined. Considerin' what this is Stern, I'msurprised 'e didn't combine yet anuvver script and make i' a freesome.
Conan
Millennium Films 'opes ter 'ave a new version in producshun by next spring. In it, Conan'll get elected ter da ancien' land ov Cimmeria an' "veto" new bills by pummelin' members ov da state senate ter smithereens.
Neverwhere
Despite Stardust tankin' in theaters, creator Neil Gaiman already 'as 'is next project in da pipeline: a feature-film version ov 'is TV miniseries abaaaht magical 'omeless people livin' in subway tunnels. The only "magical" things I've ever seen in a subway were da rats da size ov poodles in NYC. Know what I mean?
Thor
Kevin McKidd ov HBO's "Rome" is said to be da main choice ter star as da blond- tressed superhero who can summon an' dispel thunderstawms at'll by Labooswingin' a mystic 'ammer. That must come in 'andy when 'e wants ter apple cawer a primo spot on a crowded beach.
Awright geeezzaa! Well, that's i' fer a special Wednesday version ov da Phile. The next en'ry'll be posted next Thursday, so, spread da word, not da turd. Sorted mate.
Awright geeezzaa! UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS. Sorted mate.
Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic was a wild geezer when 'e got on stage, but 'is antics surf an' dreft mawer of an impression van 'e in'ended at da 1993 VMA awards. Near da conclusion ov da group's perfawmance ov 'Lithium,' Krist frew 'is guitar in'er da air, only ter 'ave i' 'i' 'im squarely in da 'ead on its descent. He fell ter da ground and crawled offstage while da rest ov da band played on. . OK?
Lor' luv a duck! R.I.P. Know what I mean?
Lawd above! PHIL RIZZUTO, innit: He's gon'a Paradise by da dashboard light. Know what I mean?
Luv a duck! Merv Griffin. Know what I mean?: If 'e died Saturday, that's one year ter da day ov Mike Douglas' dearf. Know what I mean? For those who track such oddities, Johnny Carson died wivin days ov da one year anniversary ov Jack Paar's demise.
Awright geeezzaa! Today In History. Sorted mate.
1057
Macbef is killed in da Battle ov Lumphanan in Aberdeenshire. He 'ad been kin' ov Scotland fer 17 years.
1935
Will Rogers, da most famous geezer in America, dies near Barrow, Alaska when 'is sea plane plunges in'er a lagoon. At da time, he an' one-eyed aviator Wiley Beans on Toast were surveyin' possible flight parfs between Seattle an' da Soviet Union.
1969
Woodstock begins on Max Yasgur's farm in upstate New York. Tickets are $18 fer free days ov coun'erculture musical acts, includin' Jimi Hendrix, The Who, an' Sha- Na-Na.
1994
In'ernashunal terrorist Carlos da Jackal is jailed in France. The assassin was turned over by da Sudanese governmen' after 'e checked in'er a Khartoum 'ospital fer varicose vein surgery on one ov 'is testicle. . , innit.
Lor' luv a duck! Nashun Of Shopkeepers . Know what I mean?
Lawd above! A geezer 'as died a week after bein' attacked by two teenagers 'e confron'ed fer frowin' litter in'er a jam jar window. Evren Anil, 23, was in da fron' passenger seat when da pair frew rubbish fruff da open window as da jam jar waited at traffic lights. When challenged one ov da yowfs an' allk aaaht a knife an' Mr Anil was stabbed awer punched in da face, police said. Five people 'ave been arrested an' bailed over da attack in Central Jack an' Jill, Crystal Palace, sowf-east London. Mr Anil, ov Upper Norwood, suffered 'ead injuries in da attack at abaaaht midday on Ching August an' died in 'ospital on Monday. Garfers said a passer-by in'ervened when da yowfs produced a knife, but what person surf an' dreft da scene when freatened by da yowf. The passer-by then alerted da emergency services. Bof suspects, who were described as bein' black an' in their late teens, ran beef stroganoff in'er da nearby Central Jack an' Jill Estate. Det Ch Insp Cliff Lyons said: "This was an excessive use ov violence by two yowfs who apparently attacked Mr Anil because 'e dared ter challenge their behaviaaahr. "He never recovered from da injuries 'e sustained what day an' leaves behind a family 'ryin' ter come ter terms wiv their loss.". , innit.
Lor' luv a duck! CANNED LAUGHTER. Know what I mean?
Awright geeezzaa! Q: What did da male fly say ter da female fly sittin' on a pile ov cheek by jow shit? A: “Pardon me, but is dis stool taken?”
A geezer en'ers da 'ospital fer a circumcision. When 'e comes ter after da procedure, 'e’s perturbed ter see several doctors standin' around 'is bed. “Son, there’s been a bi' ov a mix-up,” admits da surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, an' we were forced ter perfawm a sex-change operashun. You now 'ave a vagina instead ov a penis.” “What!” gasps da patient. “You sean bean I’ll never experience anuvver erecshun?” “Oh, yew might,” da surgeon reassures 'im. “Just not yaaahrs.”
Three blondes died in an acciden' 'ryin' ter jump da Grand Canyon. They are at da pearly gates ov Heaven. St. Peter tells 'em that they can en'er da gates only if they can answer one mole & pimple religious quesshun. The quesshun posed by St. Peter is, “What is Easter?” The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s da 'oliday in November when we all get together, eat Pinky an' perky an' are vankful.” “Pete Tong!, yew ain't welcome 'ere, I’m afraid. You must go ter da uvver place!” replies St. Peter. Then 'e turns ter da second blonde, an' asks 'er da same quesshun, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is da holiday in December when we put up a apples an' rice tree, exchange presents, an' celebrate da birf ov Jesus.” St. Peter looks at da second blonde, bangs his 'ead on da pearly gates in disgust an' tells 'er she’s pete tong an''ll 'ave ter join 'er friend in da uvver place; she ain't welcome in Heaven. He then peers over 'is glasses at da third blonde an' asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?” The third blonde smiles confidently an' looks St. Peter in da eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously. “Easter is da Christian 'oliday what coincides wiv da Jewish celebrashun ov Passover. Jesus and 'is disciples were eatin' at da last supper an' Jesus was later deceived an' turned over ter da Romans by one ov 'is disciples. The Romans an' allk 'im ter be crucified an' 'e was stabbed in da side, made ter wear a crown ov thorns, an' was hung on a cross wiv nails fruff 'is 'ands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed beef stroganoff by a large boulder.” St. Peter smiles broadly wiv delight. Then da third blonde continues, “Every year da boulder is moved aside so what Jesus can come aaaht and, if 'e sees 'is shadow, there will be six mawer weeks ov win'er!”. OK?
Lawd above! NUTTED BY REALITY. , innit.
Initially, I was opposed ter da way they planned ter do this finale. It just seemed natural what da final free directors should have 'ad ter complete some monumun'al 5-10 minute piece ov work what truly exemplified their talents as a director. The prize is a million dollar deal wiv Dreamworks, after all, not a first place trophy at da local movie festival. Then, after thinkin' abaaaht i' fer a bit, i' actually made some sense fer 'em ter do i' this way. To make da directors create a new piece ov work, an' totally neglect their previous body of work would 'ave been unfair - particularly if they were 'avin' an beef stroganoff day. It'd 'ave been nice ter what these guys could do given somethin' mawer van a couple ov minutes, but I can see 'ow what could be construed as a little unfair ter da con'estants who didn't make i' ter da final free. That said, forcin' America ter watch da same movies fer da season finale 'as ter go down as one ov da lamest things on Buzz Bee in a long time. They could've done so barethings. Spielberg could 'ave busted aaaht on da stage wiv a snappy bi' ofa glance number. America could have voted ter see which skimpy outfi' Adrianna Costa would be forced ter wear. The remainin' free directors could 'ave been forced ter wrestle ter da dearf in baby oil as da final means ov winnin' da grand prize. Anythin' else would 'ave been be'er. We've invested a bee's knees 16 weeks in this seethin' sack ov suck, an' I don't feel like there's really been any pay beef stroganoff. Din' Dong Bell, I don't even really care who wins at this point, an' I sure as 'ell won't remember one ov the se directors' names should a miracle occur an' they actually get a movie created under da Dreamworks umbrella. Okay, I'm done ranting. So, each finalist ended up selectin' two movies from all da movies they 'ad done this summer. I've poin'ed 'em aaaht below along wiv some brief thoughts after viewin' 'em fer a second time. . Know what I mean?
MOVIE BUZZ
The Wackness
The 63-year-old Ben Kingsley repawtedly 'as a 'ot makeaaaht scene wiv Mary- Kate Olsen in this comedy abaaaht a drug dealer who's in therapy. Mary-Kate was frilled ter kiss one ov 'er idols. She said da 'unger strike scenes in Sir Ben's Gandwotcherhave been a real influence on 'er eatin' 'abits., innit.
The Jonavan Ross'd Boys: The Tribe
Looks like Cawery Haim is gon'a make an appearance in da direct-to-DVD sequel after all. I guess producers saw 'is fake cryin' jag on a phony "reality" show, an' i' proved ter 'em that da dude actually can still act. Sorted mate.
Jurassic Light an' Dark IV
The latest rumor aaaht there is what da dinos'll be trained by da governmen' ter wield guns. Of caaahrse, when I first 'eard what a dinosaur was goin' terbe carryin' firearms, I naturally assumed i' was just anuvver news story abaaaht Stallone in John Rambo. OK?
Porky's
Howard Stern 'as announced what 'is remake of da classic filthy teen comedy 'a s finally gotten da green light after two differen' scripts bein' developed at da same time were combined. Considerin' what this is Stern, I'msurprised 'e didn't combine yet anuvver script and make i' a freesome.
Conan
Millennium Films 'opes ter 'ave a new version in producshun by next spring. In it, Conan'll get elected ter da ancien' land ov Cimmeria an' "veto" new bills by pummelin' members ov da state senate ter smithereens.
Neverwhere
Despite Stardust tankin' in theaters, creator Neil Gaiman already 'as 'is next project in da pipeline: a feature-film version ov 'is TV miniseries abaaaht magical 'omeless people livin' in subway tunnels. The only "magical" things I've ever seen in a subway were da rats da size ov poodles in NYC. Know what I mean?
Thor
Kevin McKidd ov HBO's "Rome" is said to be da main choice ter star as da blond- tressed superhero who can summon an' dispel thunderstawms at'll by Labooswingin' a mystic 'ammer. That must come in 'andy when 'e wants ter apple cawer a primo spot on a crowded beach.
Awright geeezzaa! Well, that's i' fer a special Wednesday version ov da Phile. The next en'ry'll be posted next Thursday, so, spread da word, not da turd. Sorted mate.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
A Peverett Phile Extra: D'oh!
Hey, I forgot to give the review of The Simpson's Movie in yesterday's blog entry. So, I lied, I said the next update will be when I come back from England, but here we are, Friday night, almost Saturday morning. So, here's a special entry. But first... The new host of "The View” is Whoopi Goldberg. Rosie had to leave because of dog fighting. Donald Trump has a new line of bedroom furniture. Apparently he found out there was still some money out there that he didn’t have his hands on. Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President Bush is furious and said, "That’s ridiculous — everyone knows the North Pole is owned by Santa.” Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama’s luggage. This week, a group of Mexican officials crossed the border into Texas to see how the U.S. handles immigration enforcement. As soon as the Mexican officials arrived, they yelled, "Suckers!” and headed for Los Angeles. In Florida, a man whose name is Harry Potter says that he is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street, Joey Voldermort. The Internet has finally met its match. Elton John. He wants to shut it down. He says it stifles creativity. And prevents real human connection. I think he’s just repulsed by the Internet because it’s full of naked women, and the Peverett Phile. Look out Internet, your reign of terror is over! Kayne West is speaking out too. He says that black people should stop using the word "bling.” He says that only whites and out-of-touch older black people still say it. I don’t know if you know this, but I am white and I have to admit, I get confused about this sort of thing. I just found out it’s not cool to sat "OPP” anymore.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Metallica frontman James Hetfield knows the dangers of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. During a 1992 concert, the singer misinterpreted a stage cue and wound up standing right in the middle of a pyrotechnic stage explosion. James suffered severe second- and third-degree burns to his left arm and was unable to play guitar for the last two-thirds of the tour. After his recovery, James tattooed his left arm with a picture of flames encasing four playing cards.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
PENSACOLA, Fla. - A man charged with dialing 911 to chat with dispatchers nearly 300 times in the last month remained in jail Wednesday. Cheveon Alonzo Ford, 21, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with making obscene and harassing telephone calls. He told authorities he began calling 911 because "I have no minutes on my phone and 911 is a free call" the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said in a news release. Ford was being held on a $50,000 bond Wednesday afternoon.
Officers used GPS coordinates from Ford's cell phone to track his location to the west Pensacola home where he was arrested, the Pensacola News Journal Reported.
"His phone service had been cut off and 911 was the only number he could dial from the phone," said Bob Boschen, communication chief for Escambia County. Boschen said many of Ford's 292 calls were sexual in nature. "When he would call and a male dispatcher would answer, he would hang up," he said. "Our policy says that if a caller is belligerent in nature we have to get enough information to process the call and then we can disconnect," he said. Ford never asked dispatchers for help or indicated he was in trouble.
R.I.P.
Michael "Mike" Reid (19 January 1940 – 29 July 2007) was a British comedian and character actor, who is best remembered for playing Frank Butcher in the soap opera "EastEnders". Mike Reid died in Marbella, Spain on 29 July 2007, aged 67 from a suspected heart attack. Two weeks before he died, he had received a full medical examination and had been given a clean bill of health. Irony. It's a killer.
MOVIE BUZZ MOVIE REVIEW
The Simpson's Movie
Starring the voices of Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Hank Azaria, Harry Shearer, Pamela Hayden. Springfield finally succumbs to the environmental disaster it was always meant to experience. The town becomes encased in a giant quarantine bubble, and guess which donut-consuming character is to blame? The big question on everyone's mind shouldn't be, "Is it funny?" because of course it's funny. This show's been on TV for almost as long as "Gunsmoke", and they know what they're doing. If only 98 percent of all live-action comedies were as anarchic and razor-funny, you know? Anyway, the question should be, "Is it more than just four episodes strung together?" And the answer is a nice "yes." It goes to character, visual and thematic places that the show's never gone to before. Making it bigger really works. For example(s), you see more of Springfield than ever before, the Inconvenient Truthish-ness of the plot is more weighty, and without getting spoilery, the Simpson family members are taken down deeper — and in a few places, almost serious — paths of self-discovery than they've ever ventured into in a 22-minute episode. I know "self-discovery" sounds pretentious and inappropriate when applied to this show's characters, but that's kind of what happens. Don't freak out, though; it enhances them instead of making you wonder why it's happening. Unless this turns out to be like the South Park movie, and by that, I mean a self-contained moment that the show doesn't acknowledge or refer back to, the story here feels almost penultimate, as though it were a way to start wrapping up the TV series. I hope not. American pop culture needs "The Simpsons" to be a nightmare mirror of its worst tendencies. Another movie! Four hundred more episodes!
Okay, there you have it, Phans. Now, the next entry will be posted in two weeks after I come back from England. Until then, spread the word, not the turd.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Metallica frontman James Hetfield knows the dangers of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. During a 1992 concert, the singer misinterpreted a stage cue and wound up standing right in the middle of a pyrotechnic stage explosion. James suffered severe second- and third-degree burns to his left arm and was unable to play guitar for the last two-thirds of the tour. After his recovery, James tattooed his left arm with a picture of flames encasing four playing cards.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
PENSACOLA, Fla. - A man charged with dialing 911 to chat with dispatchers nearly 300 times in the last month remained in jail Wednesday. Cheveon Alonzo Ford, 21, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with making obscene and harassing telephone calls. He told authorities he began calling 911 because "I have no minutes on my phone and 911 is a free call" the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said in a news release. Ford was being held on a $50,000 bond Wednesday afternoon.
Officers used GPS coordinates from Ford's cell phone to track his location to the west Pensacola home where he was arrested, the Pensacola News Journal Reported.
"His phone service had been cut off and 911 was the only number he could dial from the phone," said Bob Boschen, communication chief for Escambia County. Boschen said many of Ford's 292 calls were sexual in nature. "When he would call and a male dispatcher would answer, he would hang up," he said. "Our policy says that if a caller is belligerent in nature we have to get enough information to process the call and then we can disconnect," he said. Ford never asked dispatchers for help or indicated he was in trouble.
R.I.P.
Michael "Mike" Reid (19 January 1940 – 29 July 2007) was a British comedian and character actor, who is best remembered for playing Frank Butcher in the soap opera "EastEnders". Mike Reid died in Marbella, Spain on 29 July 2007, aged 67 from a suspected heart attack. Two weeks before he died, he had received a full medical examination and had been given a clean bill of health. Irony. It's a killer.
MOVIE BUZZ MOVIE REVIEW
The Simpson's Movie
Starring the voices of Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Hank Azaria, Harry Shearer, Pamela Hayden. Springfield finally succumbs to the environmental disaster it was always meant to experience. The town becomes encased in a giant quarantine bubble, and guess which donut-consuming character is to blame? The big question on everyone's mind shouldn't be, "Is it funny?" because of course it's funny. This show's been on TV for almost as long as "Gunsmoke", and they know what they're doing. If only 98 percent of all live-action comedies were as anarchic and razor-funny, you know? Anyway, the question should be, "Is it more than just four episodes strung together?" And the answer is a nice "yes." It goes to character, visual and thematic places that the show's never gone to before. Making it bigger really works. For example(s), you see more of Springfield than ever before, the Inconvenient Truthish-ness of the plot is more weighty, and without getting spoilery, the Simpson family members are taken down deeper — and in a few places, almost serious — paths of self-discovery than they've ever ventured into in a 22-minute episode. I know "self-discovery" sounds pretentious and inappropriate when applied to this show's characters, but that's kind of what happens. Don't freak out, though; it enhances them instead of making you wonder why it's happening. Unless this turns out to be like the South Park movie, and by that, I mean a self-contained moment that the show doesn't acknowledge or refer back to, the story here feels almost penultimate, as though it were a way to start wrapping up the TV series. I hope not. American pop culture needs "The Simpsons" to be a nightmare mirror of its worst tendencies. Another movie! Four hundred more episodes!
Okay, there you have it, Phans. Now, the next entry will be posted in two weeks after I come back from England. Until then, spread the word, not the turd.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
It's A Free Country. Hey, You Get What You Paid For
Hello, welcome to the Phile. I'm your host, Jet-Set Peverett. Monday I will be flying to London on British Airways. That's what I call it when I fart...british airways. There’s a new study out that says there are 237 reasons why people have sex. Two-hundred-and-thirty-seven reasons! Reason No. 237: Something to do while my wife is running for president. The new prime minister of England, Gordon Brown, secretly met with Bill Clinton. By the way, it was Bill Clinton’s seventh secret meeting of the day. The New York Post reports that Britney Spears often feeds her children soda, candy, ice cream, and Doritos. Or as Britney calls them, the four food groups. A man in Mexico who once weighed 1,200 pounds has lost almost half that weight and might enter the "Guinness Book of World Records” for most weight lost. The Mexican man lost the weight when the family inside him moved to America. The Xerox company announced that they have created a new kind of paper that kills fewer trees. A spokesman said, "Every ingredient in our new paper is completely synthetic except for the kittens.” Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared on "Larry King Live.” Doctors say he looked old, pale, and sickly; and so did Cheney. Former President Bill Clinton said that if Hillary is elected president, he’d be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, "I’ve already got the roving part down." According to a new report, many people from Cuba are now sneaking in through Mexico. Apparently the hard part is squeezing the raft through the tunnel. In Ireland, someone recently broke into a wax museum, and undressed the wax figures of Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, and Franklin D. Roosevelt. The new exhibit is called "Gay Orgies of the Second World War." Iraq’s parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq for the month of August, the likes of which haven’t been seen since June or July.
Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, "Houston, I have a problem.”
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Musicians are accustomed to being pelted with roses and underwear during their performances, but on June 18, 2004, David Bowie was struck by an object of adoration that almost cost him his sight. About 20 minutes into a performance in Olso, Norway, the stick of a lollipop that had been thrown at the singer became wedged between his left eyeball and his eyelid. A panicked member of his entourage rushed onstage and helped him remove it and Bowie -- ever the pro -- continued the show. I would of cried like a big fat baby.
R.I.P.
Man, if there's one word that pisses me off in obituaries, it's "legendary." Three deaths announced this week, and I've seen obits for all three people claiming that they were "legendary." You know what makes someone legendary? LEGENDS ABOUT THEM. Doubt as to whether or not they or their exploits were real or not. Robin Hood is legendary. King Arthur. Stretching it a little, George Washington could be legendary given that he has the cherry-tree story and all that. Davy Crockett can be labelled as legendary. Ingmar Bergman is NOT legendary - he was a highly influential and critically acclaimed film-maker. Tom Snyder was a good interviewer (EXTREMELY good, actually, if you compare him to Larry King or most of today's folks who are more interested in reading what's on their cards than having conversation) but there is no real doubt as to his existence or exploits. There is no rumour about him killing a bear at 3 years old. And Bill Walsh was a football coach - not a legendary coach, but a very real and successful coach. The only person I can associate with football who might be considered legendary is the Gipper. Why the hell are people calling all of these people legends? You know what gets me even more? When sportscasters refer to retired players as "former legends." What the hell is THAT? Cal Ripken was never legendary when he played; YOU COULD SEE HIM RIGHT THERE ON THE FUCKING FIELD. There was no doubt about his stamina because his record was talked about EVERY GAME. If anything, he's going to BECOME a legend. I'm not sure how one could EVER be a FORMER legend. I'm pretty sure that's actually impossible, unless they found definitive existence that King Arthur actually existed. Ugh.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1876
Drinking at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, Jack McCall notices Wild Bill Hickok playing poker at a corner table. Then he calmly walks over to the table and blows a wide hole in the back of Hickok's head with a .45 revolver. The professional gambler and onetime lawman was holding a pair of Aces and a pair of eights, now known as the "Dead Man's Hand."
1923
President Warren G. Harding dies suddenly at the Palace Hotel in San Francisco. His wife Florence forbids an autopsy, and the President's body is embalmed shortly after death. It is speculated by many that the cause of death, initially reported as "a stroke of apoplexy," was in fact poison administered by the First Lady.
1990
After Kuwait refuses to waive Iraq's war debts, 100,000 Iraqi soldiers stream across the border and seize control of Kuwait City. Their troops outnumbered 5-to-1, the Kuwaitis mount no resistance whatsoever. In so doing, Saddam Hussein precipitates the first Gulf War.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
Derek Ladner, 59, from Redruth, Cornwall, bought a ticket after forgetting he already had one, meaning he had two wins for the same draw. He and his wife Dawn, 60, reaped the rewards on Wednesday after being presented with a cheque for £958,284.
It is the first time the same person has won twice in the same draw. The lucky numbers on both tickets for the draw on 11 July were 3, 9, 10, 12, 46 and 47. A Camelot spokesman said: "It must have been a huge and happy surprise." I kept telling him he'd got it wrong and to check it again." Two days after the draw was made, on Friday 13 July, delivery driver Mr Ladner claimed his £479,142 share of the £2.5m jackpot. It was not until a week later he remembered he had bought another ticket with the same numbers for the same draw. Mrs Ladner said it took her husband a little while to convince her they had hit a double jackpot. "I just couldn't believe it - I kept telling him he'd got it wrong and to check it again," she said. The couple plan to have a holiday to give themselves time to contemplate what they will do with the money.
Mr Ladner is planning to give up work so he can spend more time on his favourite hobby of playing bowls. He said they will continue to play the lottery - keeping the same numbers. "They say lightning never strikes twice but it did, so perhaps it'll strike three times," he added.
NUTTED BY REALITY
Thanks to Dish Network and Brighthouse being such pricks, I had to watch "On The Lot" and "Big Brother 8" on-line, which sucks. Direct TV were supposed to come ut today to install but it rained, so they did nothing. Anyway, here's what happened on Tuesday's "On The Lot". Throughout the season I've commented on how many of the director's films end up looking more like car commercials thanks to the heavy placement of Ford vehicles throughout their features. This week the problem was exacerbated because everyone had to make films using "automobiles" as a loose theme. I find it a little suspect that "automobiles" was considered the theme since in previous weeks we had genres like comedy, horror, action, and romantic comedy.
It almost feels like the sponsor forced this arrangement on the producers of the show. Maybe Ford is unhappy with the way the show has been performing in the ratings. Maybe this was planned all along. Either way, the result is the same. Fox has officially pimped "On The Lot" out to the auto industry. I hope they're proud. This week Andrew and Zach had the lowest vote totals and Andrew ended up getting kicked off the lot. Jason received the highest number of votes last week and as a prize got to work with Jerry O'Connell in his short. It seems really strange to implement something like this so late in the season, but whatever. I don't even ask questions anymore. I just blindly accept whatever they throw at me and roll with it. Next week's genre could be a combination of "Snuff Films" and "Straight to DVD Softcore." I wouldn't so much as flinch. Tonight's guest judge was Gary Ross director of Seabiscuit, Pleasantville, and Dave. We also gained the displeasure of having Garry Marshall's sister Penny replace him this week. I consider this a downgrade because Penny makes Garry's ramblings sound Shakespearean by comparison.
GEEK TALK
I guess you have two questions to ask yourself: 1) Do you want the same guy who brought us Happy Feet and Babe directing a Justice League of America film? or 2) Do you want the same guy who brought us the Mad Max trilogy directing a Justice League of America film? I guess it doesn't really matter since we're talking about the same guy here, and if folks like Latino Review are correct, you won't have any say in the decision either. Yup, their sources are saying that George Miller is the frontrunner to helm the Justice League film. It's an odd choice, I know, especially considering the fact that Miller has never worked on a comic-related film (to my knowledge), and that his last two films were animated kiddie flicks. Plus, the final installment in the Mad Max trilogy came out in 1985 (22 years ago for those keeping counting at home), so is this really the guy we want in charge of what could potentially be one of the coolest superhero flicks of all time? For the uneducated among us, The Justice League of America (or JLA) is a team comprised of all of our favorite DC superheroes, including Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Aquaman, etc... By all accounts, Warner Bros. is intent on making this a live action film, with talk that Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would possibly reprise their pre-existing roles as Batman and Superman for the flick. Last we heard, Kieran and Michele Mulroney were hired to write a script, and Warners was looking for a director. Is that director George Miller? We don't know for sure, but folks claim he's real close to signing on. When I first read the story, I immediately expected an announcement that the JLA movie would be animated, and not live action -- especially considering that Miller has been working in that realm for the past few years. Personally, and I've said this a number of times, the only way this film could truly work is if they did it in badass CGI -- kind of like the recent TMNT film. Get Bale and Routh to voice characters, and you're set. If the Batman and Superman franchises weren't already re-established, I'd say go for the live action. But the way it is now -- with audiences and fans already invested in the storylines playing out in those other films -- why mess with it? Just my two cents. What do you think?
CANNED LAUGHTER
A physician picked up his phone in the middle of the night to the frantic cries of one of his patients: “Doctor, you gotta help me! My 12-year old just swallowed a condom!,” the distraught father cried. The concerned MD grabbed his bag and headed for the door. As he turned the knob, the phone rang again, and the previously agitated parent said, “Never mind, we found another one!”
Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Wanna go ride bikes?
A man goes to the doctor for test results. The doctor says, “I have good news and bad. Which do you want first?” “Give me the good,” the man says. “They are going to name a disease after you.”
MOVIE BUZZ
Beowulf
If you're quick with the pause button, you can sit and stare at a naked Angelina Jolie in the film's new "international" trailer. Ooh-la-la! OK, it's just a CG-animated version, but that's better than no naked Angelina Jolie at all, right?
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
I suppose most people think the revealing news out of this Comic-Con video panel is that Karen Allen is back as Marion Ravenwood. What's more shocking? That creepy facial hair Shia LaBeouf has been sporting.
The Incredible Hulk
It might come as news to screenwriter Zak Penn, but Edward Norton told the folks at Comic-Con that he wrote the script himself. Man, that dude must have a big head. A big green one, actually.
Watchmen
At his own Comic-Con panel, Zack Snyder revealed the movie's official poster and promised he was going to make the first R-rated superhero movie, where the heroes will stand for "Truth, Justice and the American Way to Bludgeon, Maim and Massacre."
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The video is the first look at the titular prince in action. Wait a minute? Princes actually do stuff? I thought they just dated heiresses and wore inappropriate costumes to parties.
Maxim Movies
The magazine is going produce a trio of films, which they hope will stimulate intellectual discourse about the challenges men face in an increasingly diversified world. Nah, just kidding. The only place the three movies — Virginity Rocks, Mardi Gras and Fired Up — will be stimulating is below guys' belts.
The Dark Knight
Disappointingly, the first official teaser trailer doesn't show any footage and only contains snippets of dialogue by Christian Bale, Michael Cain and Heath Ledger. I could do a better job piecing the film together with news footage from Fox's Chicago affiliate.
Repo! The Genetic Opera
Paris Hilton is not only going to star in this horror musical, but she's going to sing in it, too. I guess that's one way to guarantee that audiences will be fleeing the theater in terror …
30 Days of Night
Note to the little girl vampire who tries to sink her teeth into Josh Hartnett in the exclusive clip after this very bloody age-restricted trailer: If Mommy won't let you watch your own scene, you can use my birthday (11-23-68) to sign in.
Resident Evil: Extinction
In another grotesque "red-band" trailer, not only does Milla Jovovich have to blow out the brains of the undead, she has to avoid being pecked to death by a flock of zombie crows. If they make another one of these, I think Milla should fight a zombie Flock of Seagulls. Hey, they already have the theme song: "I Ran."
Drillbit Taylor
In the trailer, Owen Wilson stars as a bodyguard who protects three teenage nerds from a bully. I didn't need anybody protecting me from being picked on in high school. I was so encrusted with zits, the bullies were too afraid to even get their fists near my face.
Ta-da, there you go, another entry of the Phile. Next week there won't be an update as I'll be in England, and I doubt I will be able to update from my cousins' house. Then the Thursday after I get back, in two weeks the Phile will be updated again. Remember, I want to hit 3000 views by Christmas Day. We can do it, folks. Spread the word, not the turd.
Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, "Houston, I have a problem.”
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Musicians are accustomed to being pelted with roses and underwear during their performances, but on June 18, 2004, David Bowie was struck by an object of adoration that almost cost him his sight. About 20 minutes into a performance in Olso, Norway, the stick of a lollipop that had been thrown at the singer became wedged between his left eyeball and his eyelid. A panicked member of his entourage rushed onstage and helped him remove it and Bowie -- ever the pro -- continued the show. I would of cried like a big fat baby.
R.I.P.
Man, if there's one word that pisses me off in obituaries, it's "legendary." Three deaths announced this week, and I've seen obits for all three people claiming that they were "legendary." You know what makes someone legendary? LEGENDS ABOUT THEM. Doubt as to whether or not they or their exploits were real or not. Robin Hood is legendary. King Arthur. Stretching it a little, George Washington could be legendary given that he has the cherry-tree story and all that. Davy Crockett can be labelled as legendary. Ingmar Bergman is NOT legendary - he was a highly influential and critically acclaimed film-maker. Tom Snyder was a good interviewer (EXTREMELY good, actually, if you compare him to Larry King or most of today's folks who are more interested in reading what's on their cards than having conversation) but there is no real doubt as to his existence or exploits. There is no rumour about him killing a bear at 3 years old. And Bill Walsh was a football coach - not a legendary coach, but a very real and successful coach. The only person I can associate with football who might be considered legendary is the Gipper. Why the hell are people calling all of these people legends? You know what gets me even more? When sportscasters refer to retired players as "former legends." What the hell is THAT? Cal Ripken was never legendary when he played; YOU COULD SEE HIM RIGHT THERE ON THE FUCKING FIELD. There was no doubt about his stamina because his record was talked about EVERY GAME. If anything, he's going to BECOME a legend. I'm not sure how one could EVER be a FORMER legend. I'm pretty sure that's actually impossible, unless they found definitive existence that King Arthur actually existed. Ugh.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1876
Drinking at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, Jack McCall notices Wild Bill Hickok playing poker at a corner table. Then he calmly walks over to the table and blows a wide hole in the back of Hickok's head with a .45 revolver. The professional gambler and onetime lawman was holding a pair of Aces and a pair of eights, now known as the "Dead Man's Hand."
1923
President Warren G. Harding dies suddenly at the Palace Hotel in San Francisco. His wife Florence forbids an autopsy, and the President's body is embalmed shortly after death. It is speculated by many that the cause of death, initially reported as "a stroke of apoplexy," was in fact poison administered by the First Lady.
1990
After Kuwait refuses to waive Iraq's war debts, 100,000 Iraqi soldiers stream across the border and seize control of Kuwait City. Their troops outnumbered 5-to-1, the Kuwaitis mount no resistance whatsoever. In so doing, Saddam Hussein precipitates the first Gulf War.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
Derek Ladner, 59, from Redruth, Cornwall, bought a ticket after forgetting he already had one, meaning he had two wins for the same draw. He and his wife Dawn, 60, reaped the rewards on Wednesday after being presented with a cheque for £958,284.
It is the first time the same person has won twice in the same draw. The lucky numbers on both tickets for the draw on 11 July were 3, 9, 10, 12, 46 and 47. A Camelot spokesman said: "It must have been a huge and happy surprise." I kept telling him he'd got it wrong and to check it again." Two days after the draw was made, on Friday 13 July, delivery driver Mr Ladner claimed his £479,142 share of the £2.5m jackpot. It was not until a week later he remembered he had bought another ticket with the same numbers for the same draw. Mrs Ladner said it took her husband a little while to convince her they had hit a double jackpot. "I just couldn't believe it - I kept telling him he'd got it wrong and to check it again," she said. The couple plan to have a holiday to give themselves time to contemplate what they will do with the money.
Mr Ladner is planning to give up work so he can spend more time on his favourite hobby of playing bowls. He said they will continue to play the lottery - keeping the same numbers. "They say lightning never strikes twice but it did, so perhaps it'll strike three times," he added.
NUTTED BY REALITY
Thanks to Dish Network and Brighthouse being such pricks, I had to watch "On The Lot" and "Big Brother 8" on-line, which sucks. Direct TV were supposed to come ut today to install but it rained, so they did nothing. Anyway, here's what happened on Tuesday's "On The Lot". Throughout the season I've commented on how many of the director's films end up looking more like car commercials thanks to the heavy placement of Ford vehicles throughout their features. This week the problem was exacerbated because everyone had to make films using "automobiles" as a loose theme. I find it a little suspect that "automobiles" was considered the theme since in previous weeks we had genres like comedy, horror, action, and romantic comedy.
It almost feels like the sponsor forced this arrangement on the producers of the show. Maybe Ford is unhappy with the way the show has been performing in the ratings. Maybe this was planned all along. Either way, the result is the same. Fox has officially pimped "On The Lot" out to the auto industry. I hope they're proud. This week Andrew and Zach had the lowest vote totals and Andrew ended up getting kicked off the lot. Jason received the highest number of votes last week and as a prize got to work with Jerry O'Connell in his short. It seems really strange to implement something like this so late in the season, but whatever. I don't even ask questions anymore. I just blindly accept whatever they throw at me and roll with it. Next week's genre could be a combination of "Snuff Films" and "Straight to DVD Softcore." I wouldn't so much as flinch. Tonight's guest judge was Gary Ross director of Seabiscuit, Pleasantville, and Dave. We also gained the displeasure of having Garry Marshall's sister Penny replace him this week. I consider this a downgrade because Penny makes Garry's ramblings sound Shakespearean by comparison.
GEEK TALK
I guess you have two questions to ask yourself: 1) Do you want the same guy who brought us Happy Feet and Babe directing a Justice League of America film? or 2) Do you want the same guy who brought us the Mad Max trilogy directing a Justice League of America film? I guess it doesn't really matter since we're talking about the same guy here, and if folks like Latino Review are correct, you won't have any say in the decision either. Yup, their sources are saying that George Miller is the frontrunner to helm the Justice League film. It's an odd choice, I know, especially considering the fact that Miller has never worked on a comic-related film (to my knowledge), and that his last two films were animated kiddie flicks. Plus, the final installment in the Mad Max trilogy came out in 1985 (22 years ago for those keeping counting at home), so is this really the guy we want in charge of what could potentially be one of the coolest superhero flicks of all time? For the uneducated among us, The Justice League of America (or JLA) is a team comprised of all of our favorite DC superheroes, including Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Aquaman, etc... By all accounts, Warner Bros. is intent on making this a live action film, with talk that Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would possibly reprise their pre-existing roles as Batman and Superman for the flick. Last we heard, Kieran and Michele Mulroney were hired to write a script, and Warners was looking for a director. Is that director George Miller? We don't know for sure, but folks claim he's real close to signing on. When I first read the story, I immediately expected an announcement that the JLA movie would be animated, and not live action -- especially considering that Miller has been working in that realm for the past few years. Personally, and I've said this a number of times, the only way this film could truly work is if they did it in badass CGI -- kind of like the recent TMNT film. Get Bale and Routh to voice characters, and you're set. If the Batman and Superman franchises weren't already re-established, I'd say go for the live action. But the way it is now -- with audiences and fans already invested in the storylines playing out in those other films -- why mess with it? Just my two cents. What do you think?
CANNED LAUGHTER
A physician picked up his phone in the middle of the night to the frantic cries of one of his patients: “Doctor, you gotta help me! My 12-year old just swallowed a condom!,” the distraught father cried. The concerned MD grabbed his bag and headed for the door. As he turned the knob, the phone rang again, and the previously agitated parent said, “Never mind, we found another one!”
Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Wanna go ride bikes?
A man goes to the doctor for test results. The doctor says, “I have good news and bad. Which do you want first?” “Give me the good,” the man says. “They are going to name a disease after you.”
MOVIE BUZZ
Beowulf
If you're quick with the pause button, you can sit and stare at a naked Angelina Jolie in the film's new "international" trailer. Ooh-la-la! OK, it's just a CG-animated version, but that's better than no naked Angelina Jolie at all, right?
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
I suppose most people think the revealing news out of this Comic-Con video panel is that Karen Allen is back as Marion Ravenwood. What's more shocking? That creepy facial hair Shia LaBeouf has been sporting.
The Incredible Hulk
It might come as news to screenwriter Zak Penn, but Edward Norton told the folks at Comic-Con that he wrote the script himself. Man, that dude must have a big head. A big green one, actually.
Watchmen
At his own Comic-Con panel, Zack Snyder revealed the movie's official poster and promised he was going to make the first R-rated superhero movie, where the heroes will stand for "Truth, Justice and the American Way to Bludgeon, Maim and Massacre."
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The video is the first look at the titular prince in action. Wait a minute? Princes actually do stuff? I thought they just dated heiresses and wore inappropriate costumes to parties.
Maxim Movies
The magazine is going produce a trio of films, which they hope will stimulate intellectual discourse about the challenges men face in an increasingly diversified world. Nah, just kidding. The only place the three movies — Virginity Rocks, Mardi Gras and Fired Up — will be stimulating is below guys' belts.
The Dark Knight
Disappointingly, the first official teaser trailer doesn't show any footage and only contains snippets of dialogue by Christian Bale, Michael Cain and Heath Ledger. I could do a better job piecing the film together with news footage from Fox's Chicago affiliate.
Repo! The Genetic Opera
Paris Hilton is not only going to star in this horror musical, but she's going to sing in it, too. I guess that's one way to guarantee that audiences will be fleeing the theater in terror …
30 Days of Night
Note to the little girl vampire who tries to sink her teeth into Josh Hartnett in the exclusive clip after this very bloody age-restricted trailer: If Mommy won't let you watch your own scene, you can use my birthday (11-23-68) to sign in.
Resident Evil: Extinction
In another grotesque "red-band" trailer, not only does Milla Jovovich have to blow out the brains of the undead, she has to avoid being pecked to death by a flock of zombie crows. If they make another one of these, I think Milla should fight a zombie Flock of Seagulls. Hey, they already have the theme song: "I Ran."
Drillbit Taylor
In the trailer, Owen Wilson stars as a bodyguard who protects three teenage nerds from a bully. I didn't need anybody protecting me from being picked on in high school. I was so encrusted with zits, the bullies were too afraid to even get their fists near my face.
Ta-da, there you go, another entry of the Phile. Next week there won't be an update as I'll be in England, and I doubt I will be able to update from my cousins' house. Then the Thursday after I get back, in two weeks the Phile will be updated again. Remember, I want to hit 3000 views by Christmas Day. We can do it, folks. Spread the word, not the turd.
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