England's Latest Clown

Awright geeezzaa! Hello, Phile Phans, I am back from my trip ter England, an' I'm glad ter say da whole time I was there i' was 'ot an' sunny. And ov caaahrse, I'm takin' full credit. . Sorted mate. And as yew can tell, I picked up my old David Hockney accen' when I was there. I'd like ter vank my cousins Michele an' Pete fer puttin' me up, an' Nanny Rose fer not changin' one bit. Sorted mate. Lawd above! The weight ov Hurricane Flossie is bearin' down on Hawaii. This stawm is so 'uge what already FEMA is makin' preparashuns ter ignawer it. The toy company Mattel is recallin' Nervo million toys because they may be dangerous. Mummys boys are dangerous! Just look at da names: Mr. Grenado Blood Red . . . Hungry Hungry Hitler . . . Crack in da Darky Cox . . . Van Halen 'ave announced they are ge'in' back together. They'll start taaahrin' on September 27. On September 28, they'll realize what David Lee Rof is a pain in da ass, an' they'll break up again. . , innit. Anuvver presidential debate. The elecshun is still a year away an' we’ve 'ad 90 debates so far. We’ve whittled i' down ter 690 candidates. . , innit. Blimey! This debate was sponsawerd by a gay group. Sen. Hillary Clin'ern was criticized fer 'er husband’s "Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. In response, Hillary said, "Sorry . . . Aaahr entire marriage is based on me not askin' an' 'im not telling.” In a new in'erview, Angelina Jolie said what ter prove 'er commitmen' ter Brad Pitt, she’s decided ter give up sleepin' wiv women. When 'e 'eard dis, Brad Pitt said, "Dear God what 'ave I done?” A group ov investors announced they plan on openin' a 'otel in space. A weekend stay'll cost $4 million. It'll cost yew anuvver million ter eat a Snickers from da mini bar. . Nuff said, yeah? Here’s somethin' what 'appened dis week. Presiden' Bush’s approval ratin' wen' up. He wen' from wildly unpopular, ter just really unpopular. Soccer mania is sweepin' America. Wif da arrival ov Spice chicken pie David Beckham, people 'ave gone absolutely nuts. He got a $250 million deal ter play fer da L.A. Galaxy. Last night they played their faaahrf game of da season. Two 'undred an' bulls eye million is a hoppin' pot fer a spawt people wan' ter see . . . Never mind soccer. Which I think raised just below pin' pong on television. A couple in Arkansas 'ad their 17f child. Afterwards, da uvver 16 teapot lids frew their dad a "We get i' — you’re not gay” party. It’s a great week fer Barry Bonds. He finally broke da 'omerun record. He celebrated last night wiv an expensive bottle ov champagne which 'e injected in'er 'is ass. Not such a great week fer Donald Trump. His casinos are losin' money. How does a casino lose money? It goes against da laws ov physics. Then again, so does what thin' on 'is 'ead. There was a chicken pie in New York who got arrested fer smugglin' a ki' kat chunky onto a plane. I can’t get faaahr ounces ov shavin' creme onto a plane! How’s 'e get ki' kat chunky on there?

Awright geeezzaa! UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS. Sorted mate.

Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic was a wild geezer when 'e got on stage, but 'is antics surf an' dreft mawer of an impression van 'e in'ended at da 1993 VMA awards. Near da conclusion ov da group's perfawmance ov 'Lithium,' Krist frew 'is guitar in'er da air, only ter 'ave i' 'i' 'im squarely in da 'ead on its descent. He fell ter da ground and crawled offstage while da rest ov da band played on. . OK?

Lor' luv a duck! R.I.P. Know what I mean?

Lawd above! PHIL RIZZUTO, innit: He's gon'a Paradise by da dashboard light. Know what I mean?
Luv a duck! Merv Griffin. Know what I mean?: If 'e died Saturday, that's one year ter da day ov Mike Douglas' dearf. Know what I mean? For those who track such oddities, Johnny Carson died wivin days ov da one year anniversary ov Jack Paar's demise.

Awright geeezzaa! Today In History. Sorted mate.

1057
Macbef is killed in da Battle ov Lumphanan in Aberdeenshire. He 'ad been kin' ov Scotland fer 17 years.
1935
Will Rogers, da most famous geezer in America, dies near Barrow, Alaska when 'is sea plane plunges in'er a lagoon. At da time, he an' one-eyed aviator Wiley Beans on Toast were surveyin' possible flight parfs between Seattle an' da Soviet Union.
1969
Woodstock begins on Max Yasgur's farm in upstate New York. Tickets are $18 fer free days ov coun'erculture musical acts, includin' Jimi Hendrix, The Who, an' Sha- Na-Na.
1994
In'ernashunal terrorist Carlos da Jackal is jailed in France. The assassin was turned over by da Sudanese governmen' after 'e checked in'er a Khartoum 'ospital fer varicose vein surgery on one ov 'is testicle. . , innit.

Lor' luv a duck! Nashun Of Shopkeepers . Know what I mean?

Lawd above! A geezer 'as died a week after bein' attacked by two teenagers 'e confron'ed fer frowin' litter in'er a jam jar window. Evren Anil, 23, was in da fron' passenger seat when da pair frew rubbish fruff da open window as da jam jar waited at traffic lights. When challenged one ov da yowfs an' allk aaaht a knife an' Mr Anil was stabbed awer punched in da face, police said. Five people 'ave been arrested an' bailed over da attack in Central Jack an' Jill, Crystal Palace, sowf-east London. Mr Anil, ov Upper Norwood, suffered 'ead injuries in da attack at abaaaht midday on Ching August an' died in 'ospital on Monday. Garfers said a passer-by in'ervened when da yowfs produced a knife, but what person surf an' dreft da scene when freatened by da yowf. The passer-by then alerted da emergency services. Bof suspects, who were described as bein' black an' in their late teens, ran beef stroganoff in'er da nearby Central Jack an' Jill Estate. Det Ch Insp Cliff Lyons said: "This was an excessive use ov violence by two yowfs who apparently attacked Mr Anil because 'e dared ter challenge their behaviaaahr. "He never recovered from da injuries 'e sustained what day an' leaves behind a family 'ryin' ter come ter terms wiv their loss.". , innit.

Lor' luv a duck! CANNED LAUGHTER. Know what I mean?

Awright geeezzaa! Q: What did da male fly say ter da female fly sittin' on a pile ov cheek by jow shit? A: “Pardon me, but is dis stool taken?”

A geezer en'ers da 'ospital fer a circumcision. When 'e comes ter after da procedure, 'e’s perturbed ter see several doctors standin' around 'is bed. “Son, there’s been a bi' ov a mix-up,” admits da surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, an' we were forced ter perfawm a sex-change operashun. You now 'ave a vagina instead ov a penis.” “What!” gasps da patient. “You sean bean I’ll never experience anuvver erecshun?” “Oh, yew might,” da surgeon reassures 'im. “Just not yaaahrs.”

Three blondes died in an acciden' 'ryin' ter jump da Grand Canyon. They are at da pearly gates ov Heaven. St. Peter tells 'em that they can en'er da gates only if they can answer one mole & pimple religious quesshun. The quesshun posed by St. Peter is, “What is Easter?” The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s da 'oliday in November when we all get together, eat Pinky an' perky an' are vankful.” “Pete Tong!, yew ain't welcome 'ere, I’m afraid. You must go ter da uvver place!” replies St. Peter. Then 'e turns ter da second blonde, an' asks 'er da same quesshun, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is da holiday in December when we put up a apples an' rice tree, exchange presents, an' celebrate da birf ov Jesus.” St. Peter looks at da second blonde, bangs his 'ead on da pearly gates in disgust an' tells 'er she’s pete tong an''ll 'ave ter join 'er friend in da uvver place; she ain't welcome in Heaven. He then peers over 'is glasses at da third blonde an' asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?” The third blonde smiles confidently an' looks St. Peter in da eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously. “Easter is da Christian 'oliday what coincides wiv da Jewish celebrashun ov Passover. Jesus and 'is disciples were eatin' at da last supper an' Jesus was later deceived an' turned over ter da Romans by one ov 'is disciples. The Romans an' allk 'im ter be crucified an' 'e was stabbed in da side, made ter wear a crown ov thorns, an' was hung on a cross wiv nails fruff 'is 'ands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed beef stroganoff by a large boulder.” St. Peter smiles broadly wiv delight. Then da third blonde continues, “Every year da boulder is moved aside so what Jesus can come aaaht and, if 'e sees 'is shadow, there will be six mawer weeks ov win'er!”. OK?

Lawd above! NUTTED BY REALITY. , innit.

Initially, I was opposed ter da way they planned ter do this finale. It just seemed natural what da final free directors should have 'ad ter complete some monumun'al 5-10 minute piece ov work what truly exemplified their talents as a director. The prize is a million dollar deal wiv Dreamworks, after all, not a first place trophy at da local movie festival. Then, after thinkin' abaaaht i' fer a bit, i' actually made some sense fer 'em ter do i' this way. To make da directors create a new piece ov work, an' totally neglect their previous body of work would 'ave been unfair - particularly if they were 'avin' an beef stroganoff day. It'd 'ave been nice ter what these guys could do given somethin' mawer van a couple ov minutes, but I can see 'ow what could be construed as a little unfair ter da con'estants who didn't make i' ter da final free. That said, forcin' America ter watch da same movies fer da season finale 'as ter go down as one ov da lamest things on Buzz Bee in a long time. They could've done so barethings. Spielberg could 'ave busted aaaht on da stage wiv a snappy bi' ofa glance number. America could have voted ter see which skimpy outfi' Adrianna Costa would be forced ter wear. The remainin' free directors could 'ave been forced ter wrestle ter da dearf in baby oil as da final means ov winnin' da grand prize. Anythin' else would 'ave been be'er. We've invested a bee's knees 16 weeks in this seethin' sack ov suck, an' I don't feel like there's really been any pay beef stroganoff. Din' Dong Bell, I don't even really care who wins at this point, an' I sure as 'ell won't remember one ov the se directors' names should a miracle occur an' they actually get a movie created under da Dreamworks umbrella. Okay, I'm done ranting. So, each finalist ended up selectin' two movies from all da movies they 'ad done this summer. I've poin'ed 'em aaaht below along wiv some brief thoughts after viewin' 'em fer a second time. . Know what I mean?

MOVIE BUZZ

The Wackness
The 63-year-old Ben Kingsley repawtedly 'as a 'ot makeaaaht scene wiv Mary- Kate Olsen in this comedy abaaaht a drug dealer who's in therapy. Mary-Kate was frilled ter kiss one ov 'er idols. She said da 'unger strike scenes in Sir Ben's Gandwotcherhave been a real influence on 'er eatin' 'abits., innit.
The Jonavan Ross'd Boys: The Tribe
Looks like Cawery Haim is gon'a make an appearance in da direct-to-DVD sequel after all. I guess producers saw 'is fake cryin' jag on a phony "reality" show, an' i' proved ter 'em that da dude actually can still act. Sorted mate.
Jurassic Light an' Dark IV
The latest rumor aaaht there is what da dinos'll be trained by da governmen' ter wield guns. Of caaahrse, when I first 'eard what a dinosaur was goin' terbe carryin' firearms, I naturally assumed i' was just anuvver news story abaaaht Stallone in John Rambo. OK?
Porky's
Howard Stern 'as announced what 'is remake of da classic filthy teen comedy 'a s finally gotten da green light after two differen' scripts bein' developed at da same time were combined. Considerin' what this is Stern, I'msurprised 'e didn't combine yet anuvver script and make i' a freesome.
Conan
Millennium Films 'opes ter 'ave a new version in producshun by next spring. In it, Conan'll get elected ter da ancien' land ov Cimmeria an' "veto" new bills by pummelin' members ov da state senate ter smithereens.
Neverwhere
Despite Stardust tankin' in theaters, creator Neil Gaiman already 'as 'is next project in da pipeline: a feature-film version ov 'is TV miniseries abaaaht magical 'omeless people livin' in subway tunnels. The only "magical" things I've ever seen in a subway were da rats da size ov poodles in NYC. Know what I mean?
Thor
Kevin McKidd ov HBO's "Rome" is said to be da main choice ter star as da blond- tressed superhero who can summon an' dispel thunderstawms at'll by Labooswingin' a mystic 'ammer. That must come in 'andy when 'e wants ter apple cawer a primo spot on a crowded beach.

Awright geeezzaa! Well, that's i' fer a special Wednesday version ov da Phile. The next en'ry'll be posted next Thursday, so, spread da word, not da turd. Sorted mate.