Thursday, August 2, 2007

It's A Free Country. Hey, You Get What You Paid For

Hello, welcome to the Phile. I'm your host, Jet-Set Peverett. Monday I will be flying to London on British Airways. That's what I call it when I fart...british airways. There’s a new study out that says there are 237 reasons why people have sex. Two-hundred-and-thirty-seven reasons! Reason No. 237: Something to do while my wife is running for president. The new prime minister of England, Gordon Brown, secretly met with Bill Clinton. By the way, it was Bill Clinton’s seventh secret meeting of the day. The New York Post reports that Britney Spears often feeds her children soda, candy, ice cream, and Doritos. Or as Britney calls them, the four food groups. A man in Mexico who once weighed 1,200 pounds has lost almost half that weight and might enter the "Guinness Book of World Records” for most weight lost. The Mexican man lost the weight when the family inside him moved to America. The Xerox company announced that they have created a new kind of paper that kills fewer trees. A spokesman said, "Every ingredient in our new paper is completely synthetic except for the kittens.” Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared on "Larry King Live.” Doctors say he looked old, pale, and sickly; and so did Cheney. Former President Bill Clinton said that if Hillary is elected president, he’d be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, "I’ve already got the roving part down." According to a new report, many people from Cuba are now sneaking in through Mexico. Apparently the hard part is squeezing the raft through the tunnel. In Ireland, someone recently broke into a wax museum, and undressed the wax figures of Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, and Franklin D. Roosevelt. The new exhibit is called "Gay Orgies of the Second World War." Iraq’s parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq for the month of August, the likes of which haven’t been seen since June or July.
Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, "Houston, I have a problem.”


Musicians are accustomed to being pelted with roses and underwear during their performances, but on June 18, 2004, David Bowie was struck by an object of adoration that almost cost him his sight. About 20 minutes into a performance in Olso, Norway, the stick of a lollipop that had been thrown at the singer became wedged between his left eyeball and his eyelid. A panicked member of his entourage rushed onstage and helped him remove it and Bowie -- ever the pro -- continued the show. I would of cried like a big fat baby.


Man, if there's one word that pisses me off in obituaries, it's "legendary." Three deaths announced this week, and I've seen obits for all three people claiming that they were "legendary." You know what makes someone legendary? LEGENDS ABOUT THEM. Doubt as to whether or not they or their exploits were real or not. Robin Hood is legendary. King Arthur. Stretching it a little, George Washington could be legendary given that he has the cherry-tree story and all that. Davy Crockett can be labelled as legendary. Ingmar Bergman is NOT legendary - he was a highly influential and critically acclaimed film-maker. Tom Snyder was a good interviewer (EXTREMELY good, actually, if you compare him to Larry King or most of today's folks who are more interested in reading what's on their cards than having conversation) but there is no real doubt as to his existence or exploits. There is no rumour about him killing a bear at 3 years old. And Bill Walsh was a football coach - not a legendary coach, but a very real and successful coach. The only person I can associate with football who might be considered legendary is the Gipper. Why the hell are people calling all of these people legends? You know what gets me even more? When sportscasters refer to retired players as "former legends." What the hell is THAT? Cal Ripken was never legendary when he played; YOU COULD SEE HIM RIGHT THERE ON THE FUCKING FIELD. There was no doubt about his stamina because his record was talked about EVERY GAME. If anything, he's going to BECOME a legend. I'm not sure how one could EVER be a FORMER legend. I'm pretty sure that's actually impossible, unless they found definitive existence that King Arthur actually existed. Ugh.


Drinking at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, Jack McCall notices Wild Bill Hickok playing poker at a corner table. Then he calmly walks over to the table and blows a wide hole in the back of Hickok's head with a .45 revolver. The professional gambler and onetime lawman was holding a pair of Aces and a pair of eights, now known as the "Dead Man's Hand."
President Warren G. Harding dies suddenly at the Palace Hotel in San Francisco. His wife Florence forbids an autopsy, and the President's body is embalmed shortly after death. It is speculated by many that the cause of death, initially reported as "a stroke of apoplexy," was in fact poison administered by the First Lady.
After Kuwait refuses to waive Iraq's war debts, 100,000 Iraqi soldiers stream across the border and seize control of Kuwait City. Their troops outnumbered 5-to-1, the Kuwaitis mount no resistance whatsoever. In so doing, Saddam Hussein precipitates the first Gulf War.


Derek Ladner, 59, from Redruth, Cornwall, bought a ticket after forgetting he already had one, meaning he had two wins for the same draw. He and his wife Dawn, 60, reaped the rewards on Wednesday after being presented with a cheque for £958,284.
It is the first time the same person has won twice in the same draw. The lucky numbers on both tickets for the draw on 11 July were 3, 9, 10, 12, 46 and 47. A Camelot spokesman said: "It must have been a huge and happy surprise." I kept telling him he'd got it wrong and to check it again." Two days after the draw was made, on Friday 13 July, delivery driver Mr Ladner claimed his £479,142 share of the £2.5m jackpot. It was not until a week later he remembered he had bought another ticket with the same numbers for the same draw. Mrs Ladner said it took her husband a little while to convince her they had hit a double jackpot. "I just couldn't believe it - I kept telling him he'd got it wrong and to check it again," she said. The couple plan to have a holiday to give themselves time to contemplate what they will do with the money.
Mr Ladner is planning to give up work so he can spend more time on his favourite hobby of playing bowls. He said they will continue to play the lottery - keeping the same numbers. "They say lightning never strikes twice but it did, so perhaps it'll strike three times," he added.


Thanks to Dish Network and Brighthouse being such pricks, I had to watch "On The Lot" and "Big Brother 8" on-line, which sucks. Direct TV were supposed to come ut today to install but it rained, so they did nothing. Anyway, here's what happened on Tuesday's "On The Lot". Throughout the season I've commented on how many of the director's films end up looking more like car commercials thanks to the heavy placement of Ford vehicles throughout their features. This week the problem was exacerbated because everyone had to make films using "automobiles" as a loose theme. I find it a little suspect that "automobiles" was considered the theme since in previous weeks we had genres like comedy, horror, action, and romantic comedy.
It almost feels like the sponsor forced this arrangement on the producers of the show. Maybe Ford is unhappy with the way the show has been performing in the ratings. Maybe this was planned all along. Either way, the result is the same. Fox has officially pimped "On The Lot" out to the auto industry. I hope they're proud. This week Andrew and Zach had the lowest vote totals and Andrew ended up getting kicked off the lot. Jason received the highest number of votes last week and as a prize got to work with Jerry O'Connell in his short. It seems really strange to implement something like this so late in the season, but whatever. I don't even ask questions anymore. I just blindly accept whatever they throw at me and roll with it. Next week's genre could be a combination of "Snuff Films" and "Straight to DVD Softcore." I wouldn't so much as flinch. Tonight's guest judge was Gary Ross director of Seabiscuit, Pleasantville, and Dave. We also gained the displeasure of having Garry Marshall's sister Penny replace him this week. I consider this a downgrade because Penny makes Garry's ramblings sound Shakespearean by comparison.


I guess you have two questions to ask yourself: 1) Do you want the same guy who brought us Happy Feet and Babe directing a Justice League of America film? or 2) Do you want the same guy who brought us the Mad Max trilogy directing a Justice League of America film? I guess it doesn't really matter since we're talking about the same guy here, and if folks like Latino Review are correct, you won't have any say in the decision either. Yup, their sources are saying that George Miller is the frontrunner to helm the Justice League film. It's an odd choice, I know, especially considering the fact that Miller has never worked on a comic-related film (to my knowledge), and that his last two films were animated kiddie flicks. Plus, the final installment in the Mad Max trilogy came out in 1985 (22 years ago for those keeping counting at home), so is this really the guy we want in charge of what could potentially be one of the coolest superhero flicks of all time? For the uneducated among us, The Justice League of America (or JLA) is a team comprised of all of our favorite DC superheroes, including Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Aquaman, etc... By all accounts, Warner Bros. is intent on making this a live action film, with talk that Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would possibly reprise their pre-existing roles as Batman and Superman for the flick. Last we heard, Kieran and Michele Mulroney were hired to write a script, and Warners was looking for a director. Is that director George Miller? We don't know for sure, but folks claim he's real close to signing on. When I first read the story, I immediately expected an announcement that the JLA movie would be animated, and not live action -- especially considering that Miller has been working in that realm for the past few years. Personally, and I've said this a number of times, the only way this film could truly work is if they did it in badass CGI -- kind of like the recent TMNT film. Get Bale and Routh to voice characters, and you're set. If the Batman and Superman franchises weren't already re-established, I'd say go for the live action. But the way it is now -- with audiences and fans already invested in the storylines playing out in those other films -- why mess with it? Just my two cents. What do you think?


A physician picked up his phone in the middle of the night to the frantic cries of one of his patients: “Doctor, you gotta help me! My 12-year old just swallowed a condom!,” the distraught father cried. The concerned MD grabbed his bag and headed for the door. As he turned the knob, the phone rang again, and the previously agitated parent said, “Never mind, we found another one!”

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Wanna go ride bikes?

A man goes to the doctor for test results. The doctor says, “I have good news and bad. Which do you want first?” “Give me the good,” the man says. “They are going to name a disease after you.”


If you're quick with the pause button, you can sit and stare at a naked Angelina Jolie in the film's new "international" trailer. Ooh-la-la! OK, it's just a CG-animated version, but that's better than no naked Angelina Jolie at all, right?
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
I suppose most people think the revealing news out of this Comic-Con video panel is that Karen Allen is back as Marion Ravenwood. What's more shocking? That creepy facial hair Shia LaBeouf has been sporting.
The Incredible Hulk
It might come as news to screenwriter Zak Penn, but Edward Norton told the folks at Comic-Con that he wrote the script himself. Man, that dude must have a big head. A big green one, actually.
At his own Comic-Con panel, Zack Snyder revealed the movie's official poster and promised he was going to make the first R-rated superhero movie, where the heroes will stand for "Truth, Justice and the American Way to Bludgeon, Maim and Massacre."
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The video is the first look at the titular prince in action. Wait a minute? Princes actually do stuff? I thought they just dated heiresses and wore inappropriate costumes to parties.
Maxim Movies
The magazine is going produce a trio of films, which they hope will stimulate intellectual discourse about the challenges men face in an increasingly diversified world. Nah, just kidding. The only place the three movies — Virginity Rocks, Mardi Gras and Fired Up — will be stimulating is below guys' belts.
The Dark Knight
Disappointingly, the first official teaser trailer doesn't show any footage and only contains snippets of dialogue by Christian Bale, Michael Cain and Heath Ledger. I could do a better job piecing the film together with news footage from Fox's Chicago affiliate.
Repo! The Genetic Opera
Paris Hilton is not only going to star in this horror musical, but she's going to sing in it, too. I guess that's one way to guarantee that audiences will be fleeing the theater in terror …
30 Days of Night
Note to the little girl vampire who tries to sink her teeth into Josh Hartnett in the exclusive clip after this very bloody age-restricted trailer: If Mommy won't let you watch your own scene, you can use my birthday (11-23-68) to sign in.
Resident Evil: Extinction
In another grotesque "red-band" trailer, not only does Milla Jovovich have to blow out the brains of the undead, she has to avoid being pecked to death by a flock of zombie crows. If they make another one of these, I think Milla should fight a zombie Flock of Seagulls. Hey, they already have the theme song: "I Ran."
Drillbit Taylor
In the trailer, Owen Wilson stars as a bodyguard who protects three teenage nerds from a bully. I didn't need anybody protecting me from being picked on in high school. I was so encrusted with zits, the bullies were too afraid to even get their fists near my face.

Ta-da, there you go, another entry of the Phile. Next week there won't be an update as I'll be in England, and I doubt I will be able to update from my cousins' house. Then the Thursday after I get back, in two weeks the Phile will be updated again. Remember, I want to hit 3000 views by Christmas Day. We can do it, folks. Spread the word, not the turd.

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