Chinese Toys Taste Better

Howdy, Phans, and welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog. There’s a new book out on President Bush. I learned President Bush is a sensitive man. He says he cries a lot. It would be even better to hear that he reads but . . . Fred Thompson officially announced his candidacy for president today. Here’s why Fred Thompson is not going to be our president: America’s not going to pick a first lady that looks like she runs a tanning salon. Have we ever had a president with a hot wife? Barbara Bush maybe . . . On the Democratic side of things, Oprah Winfrey is throwing a huge fundraiser for Barack Obama on Saturday on the grounds of the Promise Land — a huge 42 acre mountain-view estate in Montecito, Calif. It’s projected to raise $3 million. Two million of which is projected to come from the “Dunk Stedman” booth. Idaho Sen. Larry Craig announced his resignation on Saturday. If I was Larry Craig, here’s what I’d say: “I’m not gay, but my feet are.” It’s been one year since Katie Couric took over the CBS Evening News, and to celebrate, CBS is sending her to Iraq. I guess that should give CBS enough time to move the studio to someplace where she can’t find it. Last weekend I got my second tatoo, dad's autograph. This weekend I am thinking about getting 'Made In England' tattooed on my ass. Or as we say in England, arse. And now, for a special pheature called...

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE

This next article is about a good friend of mine who used to work with me at Epcot about five years ago. Until recently we lost contact, and now I know why.
A St. Andrews Elementary School teacher is out on bond tonight, charged with trying to access pornography and engage in inappropriate conversations with a child through the Internet. Several law enforcement agencies, including the Federal Bureau of Investigations and the Georgia Bureau of Investigations and the Pooler Police Department searched the home of Joshua Evans in Pooler looking for evidence. They say they found what they were looking for and arrested the 25-year-old teacher.
Today, in federal court Evans was arraigned and then released on a $50,000 bond, but must remain on house arrest and cannot have access to the Internet or any contact with minors. Meanwhile across the county at St. Andrews school, administrators tell us they're in a state of shock. Headmaster EC Hubbard says all employees undergo a criminal background check and Evans had no prior history. "It's only logical the people we employ for our children are the people of good character and in my opinion, Mr. Evans was. We did an extensive criminal checks references and I personally make those calls," said Hubbard. Evans had been a music teacher at St. Andrews Elementary School for two years and the headmaster says in that period of time, none of the children were in danger. And after talking to the FBI, there's no evidence of inappropriate behavior conducted on school grounds. "While we can't understand, I believe that safe guards are sufficient that no sort of criminal conduct happened at school," said Hubbard. Hubbard says he's concerned about the school's reputation and that's why he sent a letter to all parents explaining what happened. "Our foremost concern is for the safety and welfare of our children and we take steps to ensure that safety," said Hubbard. Steps he says his administrators always take very seriously. At this point, none of the agencies involved in the Evans case are going into detail as to what led to his arrest. We should learn more when Evans makes his next court appearance which has not yet been set. Hubbard says Evans will not return to St. Andrews and the school is looking for a permanent replacement. 
 
In the next entry I will have the follow up report.

UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS

As the newbie of the group, Michelle Williams had a lot to prove when she joined Destiny's Child. The group's May 4, 2005 appearance on BET's '106 & Park' didn't help shed her weak-link status. During the first few seconds of DC's performance of 'Soldier,' Michelle slipped on stage and fell to the ground with a thud. Perhaps most embarrassing is that neither Kelly nor B stopped to help their fallen friend. To her credit, Michelle picked herself off, and kept on shaking while the cameras rolled, but it's an experience she'll never fully live down.

R.I.P.

Luciano Pavarotti: Pavarotting. There, it's done; that's out of the way, hope for something original.
Conservative leader the Rev. D. James Kennedy: If I'm Pat Robertson, I'm shitting bricks.

FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS

POMPANO BEACH, Fla.-- A woman out for jog while listening to her iPod had her legs severed by a freight train because she may not have heard it coming, authorities said. Cheryl Ann Risse, 32, was recovering at a hospital Friday. Authorities did not know how she ended up in the path of the train Thursday morning, but rescue workers speculated she did not hear the locomotive coming because she was listening to her iPod. Risse often jogged across the tracks on her way to a nearby park, said Keyla Concepcion, spokeswoman for the Broward Sheriff's Office. The train engineer didn't know he had struck Risse until he returned along the same tracks minutes later, Concepcion said. A passing sheriff's deputy noticed her waving her arms. "My feet are on fire," she told Tony Long, a battalion chief for Pompano Beach Fire-Rescue, who responded to the scene. "Do you think you can put the fire out? They're really hurting." The woman was expected to survive.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1901
While shaking hands at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York, President William McKinley is shot twice in the abdomen at point-blank range with a .32 caliber revolver. He dies a week later. The assassin, an anarchist by the name of Leon Frank Czolgosz, actually is a lone gunman (for once).
1951
During a drinking party in Mexico City, author William S. Burroughs instructs his wife Joan to balance a glass of gin on her head. He then takes careful aim with his new .38 pistol, and unintentionally blows her brains out in front of their friends. The Mexican authorities later charge Burroughs with criminal imprudence.
1966
Parliamentary messenger Demetrios Tsafendas assassinates Prime Minister Hendrik Verwoerd, by sticking a knife in his chest on the floor of the South African legislature. The apartheid system had been Verwoerd's brainchild.
1986
In Istanbul, two Arab terrorists step inside the Neve Shalom synagogue on Buyuk Hendek Street during Sabbath services. They unload into the worshippers with submachine guns and grenades, killing 22 and wounding six. The incident is later attributed to Abu Nidal's terror organization.

NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

LONDON, England-- British authorities ruled Wednesday that research using animal eggs to create human stem cells could go forward in principle. The Human Fertilization and Embryology Authority decided to allow the research, which involves placing human DNA into cow or rabbit eggs that have had their genetic material removed. According to the ruling, projects would be decided on a case-by-case basis, said Paula Woodward, a spokeswoman for the regulator. Experts have said such research, which is currently under way in the United States and China, is critical to unlocking treatments for Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and other genetic diseases. Scientists want to use animal eggs because the supply of human eggs is limited.
However, the research has raised ethical worries. The involvement of animals has caused concern among the public, while right-to-life advocates fear it could lead ultimately to genetically modified babies -- despite the fact that the studies being considered would only allow development of eggs for a few days. The research involves taking a cow or rabbit egg which no longer has its own DNA and injecting human genetic material. The egg is induced to divide, becoming a very early embryo from which stem cells could be extracted. Some experts questioned whether residual animal traces might contaminate human DNA, thus invalidating the stem cell experiments. Advocates of the research insist it would be a human embryo made in the shell of an animal egg, though a minute amount of animal genes remain. The resulting egg contains 13 animal genes compared with some 20,000-25,000 human genes.
Dr. David King, director of the independent watchdog group Human Genetics Alert, said allowing such research to go forward would be the first step toward producing genetically modified babies.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: Have you heard of ginkgo Viagra? A: Yeah, it helps you remember what the fuck you were thinking.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to pick up his wife's test results. When he gets there, the nurse at the counter tells him that there is a small problem. "We sent your wife's blood in with another Mrs. Smith and the two tests results got mixed up. Now we don't knowwhich test is your wife's and the results were bad and worse," she says. "Well, tell me the results for each test," he replies. "One test came back positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other came back positive for AIDS," the nurse says. "Oh my god…what am I going to do?" Mr. Smith asks. "Oh, don't worry, the doctor came up with an idea," the nurse replies reassuringly. "He said to drive your wife to the middle of town and drop her off there. If she remembers her way back home, don't fuck her."

RIDICULOUS BAND NAMES IN ROCK HISTORY

PORNO FOR PYROS: Former Jane's Addiction frontman Perry Farrell came up with the name while watching coverage of the LA riots on television. Presumably while jacking off. Why it's ridiculous: Pornography for pyromaniacs is, for all intents and purposes, regular pornography. Sure, there are maybe a few crazy people out there getting sexual pleasure from watching videos of people setting fires—but your garden variety pyromaniac isn't renting College Slut Matches & Gasoline Party VII. He's out burning down the neighborhood Costco. It turns out they just really like burning stuff.

DOCTOR WHO

Once again the fate of David Tennant's role as the Doctor on "Doctor Who" is in question. Earlier this year there were rumors that Tennant would not resume his role for the fourth series of the popular science fiction program. However, those rumors were quickly refuted. Now comes word directly from the BBC that the show will not be returning for a fifth series until 2010 (the fourth series premieres in 2008). It was postponed to allow Tennant to play Hamlet with the Royal Shakespeare Company late next year. A spokesperson for the show said it was too early to comment on whether or not Tennant would return for a fifth series. That doesn't mean you should be wailing uncontrollably and rending your clothing quite yet. To fill the gap Tennant will star in three "Doctor Who" specials, to air in 2009, that will be written by Russell T. Davies. In the meantime, another Christmas special, starring Kylie Minogue, will air at the end of this year. And, in the fourth series (BIT OF A SPOILER ALERT HERE) look for Catherine Tate to return as the Doctor's partner.

GEEK TALK

Now that the dust has finally settled from the summer movie season, it's time to kick back, relax and, well, gear up for next summer's blockbusters I guess. Tony Stark, a.k.a. Shell Head, a.k.a. The Golden Avenger, a.k.a. Iron Man is yet another Marvel Comics character getting the big-screen treatment, and that hotly-anticipated flick will be arriving in theaters via a nifty set of boot jets on May 2, 2008. Director Jon Favreau has posted on his Myspace page that the first teaser trailer will be playing on Monday 9/10 during several TV shows, although the most ardent of Iron Man fans will want to tune into MTV's The Hills that day because that's where the spot will air first. The teaser will show up in a bunch of places on Monday and Tuesday, including Comedy Central's "The Daily Show", "CSI" on Spike TV and "The Andy Griffith Show" on TVLand. Yeah, I did a double take on Andy Griffith too. Looks like their hitting some pretty diverse demographics. A high-res version will also be appearing on Apple.com/trailers Tuesday 9/11. Check out Favreau's Myspace for a more complete listing of shows carrying the promo. Apparently the teaser incorporates much of the footage that was shown at Comicon -- footage which, incidentally, can still be viewed via crappy cell phone video over on Youtube. Frankly, I'm surprised Paramount hasn't yanked it, but even in substandard video, the footage looks awesome, and it's all set to the Black Sabbath song 'Iron Man'. Nice. Can't wait to see the high-def version.

MOVIE BUZZ

Iron Man
In a video interview, Terrence Howard says the film about a superheroic arms manufacturer is actually anti-war. I just hope it tries to get its message of peace across with a lot of stuff getting blown up.
Saw IV
The official website's first teaser trailer is almost completely lacking in gore but features lots of people screaming while bathed in an eerie green tint. And, really, isn't the color of money more important than the color of blood at this point in the franchise?
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
A fan was able to take a ton of terrific backlot photos, including some massive outdoor sets in L.A. and inside shots of Egyptian statues. Know what would be a great gag for the film? Have Indy stumble across Han Solo frozen in carbonite hidden among the artifacts.
The Topkapi Affair
Angelina Jolie has just signed on to star alongside Pierce Brosnan in this sequel to The Thomas Crown Affair, which is an odd coincidence, because she was already planning to name her next adopted kid Topkapi.
Red State
Kevin Smith wrote on his blog that he finished his horror-movie script, claimed that it's "relentlessly bleak" and that he ate an entire container of chocolate-covered pretzels and a meatball sub after he finished. Apparently, the script is even bleaker than going to a Weight Watchers meeting.
Stopping Power
The plug has been pulled on that John Cusack action flick with the 51-minute nonstop chase scene. Guess they should've called it This Movie's Totally Awesome and Will Make $200 Mil.
The Mist
The trailer for the Stephen King adaptation has Thomas Jane and other supermarket shoppers being terrorized by giant insects. Dummies. The cans of Raid are on Aisle 12.
Captain Mike Across America
Michael Moore throws himself to the wolves by appearing at 2004 Bush/Cheney campaign stops in the promo photos. The way the crowds are calling for his blood, Moore kinda reminds me of a heavier version of Russell Crowe in Gladiator.
Almost Home
Hey, Jen, Jon Bon Jovi is producing a movie based on a kids' novel about homeless teens. He admits that he's taking a huge risk, but he's livin' on a prayer.
The Catch
Jim Belushi is making his feature directing debut and will also star in this real-life story about a 42-year-old who goes back to college to play football. If it were me, I'd sprain my knee during the first game and be content to hang out on the sidelines watching cheerleaders.
Mother of Tears
If you want to get good and grossed out, check out the grotesque trailer for Italian horror maestro Dario Argento's latest fright flick, which stars his daughter Asia fighting a bloodthirsty cult. Remind me to turn down my invite to their family Thanksgiving dinner.
And now, the review of
Mr. Bean's Holiday
Starring Who's in It: Rowan Atkinson, Willem Dafoe. Mr. Bean goes to France and gets involved in all sorts of wacky, near-silent, G-rated shenanigans. None of them are especially laugh-out-loud funny, unless the very sight of Atkinson making that dumbest-person-alive face makes you crack up all by itself. In a series of vignettes that would mostly be unrelated other than that they all happen to Mr. Bean, he dumps food in a lady's purse, he rides a bike really fast, he accidentally "kidnaps" a child, he winds up at the Cannes Film Festival and much more. Most film critics claim to be completely objective, but they're not. No one is. And so here's my confession: Mr. Bean has never succeeded in making me laugh. Because of this, when I see that he's in a movie, I assume that I won't laugh. And then I don't. So what I'm saying is that if you think Mr. Bean is the funniest character ever created in Western Civilization, then by all means, ignore this review. Kids will have a great time. Logan pretty much laughed all the way through. Little kids love it when people fall down, crash into things, spill food, etc. Slapstick was probably invented with children in mind. My favorite scene was when the little kid slaps Mr. Bean in the face. A lot. From a scale of 10 to 1 (10 being the best) I give it a 4.

There you have it, pholks, another entry of the Phile, and another f word changed to ph. Man, I'm getting good. Check out the Peverett Phile's Myspace page for brand new pics this week. Also, I still want to hit 3000 views by Christmas. So, spread the word, not the turd.