Hello, Phans, welcome to the most updated blog on the internet, the Peverett Phile, I'm your host, Flat Duo Peverett. The blog is a date late as last night myself and one of my best freinds Jim went to see Dexter Romweber who used to be in the band The Flat Duo Jets. So, while we were there, we found this amazing touch screen juke box. We looked to see if they ahd any Foghat and they had 22 Foghat songs on it. The whole "Best Of" CD and "Live" CD. So, we picked four songs to play. This long haired pony-tailed man said when "Road Fever" was playing. "Who picked this song? It fucking sucks." And Jim said, "If you can find your father's song on this g-damned jukebox, you can play it as well." Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama’s luggage. The 'New York Times' reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes At New York Tim.' There's a new sex poll. ... According to researchers, there are 237 reasons why people have sex. ... For me, number two would be my credit card went through. A little farther down on the list, I happen to be in an elevator with Reese Witherspoon. ... Reason 237: something to do while my wife is running for president. One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. Now they're thinking, if they can just marry off Condoleezza Rice. Yea, it looks pretty good that Jenna's getting married, but first the guy has to be confirmed by Congress. ... It's going to be an expensive wedding. I guess it's no surprise, the $3 billion contract went to Halliburton. Presidential advisor Karl Rove has resigned. Were you aware about that -- he's resigned. He says he wants to spend more time leaking information about his family. You folks see the Democratic presidential debates over the weekend? Oh man, this debate, woah, it was very intense. The loser, the loser of the debate was taken out back and drown by Michael Vick. You like presidential birthdays? Oh! Who doesn't. Well, over the weekend former president Bill Clinton turned 61, 61! Happy birthday Bill. Bill enjoyed a romantic candlelight dinner and dancing, then he went home to Hillary. And speaking of Hillary, she'll be my first victim in a new pheature I'd like to call...
DUMB QUOTES FROM THE 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES
"We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
"God bless the America we are trying to create."
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Pete Townshend is legendary for his intense guitar playing. But in August 1989, Pete's ax fought back with a vengeance. During a stop in Tacoma, Wash., Pete impaled his right hand on its whammy bar while performing his famous windmill move. This wasn't the only time the Who guitarist has hurt his hand. Back in 1981, Townshend punched a wall backstage during a tour, breaking several bones. Ten years later, he shattered his wrist into a dozen fragments in a bike accident that threatened to end his career.
R.I.P.
Leona Helmsley: Que munchkins: "Ding dong, etc..."
Eddie Griffin: Merv must be devastated...Oh. Sorry. Never mind.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
PENSACOLA, Fla. - A man charged with dialing 911 to chat with dispatchers nearly 300 times in the last month remained in jail Wednesday. Cheveon Alonzo Ford, 21, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with making obscene and harassing telephone calls. He told authorities he began calling 911 because "I have no minutes on my phone and 911 is a free call" the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said in a news release. Ford was being held on a $50,000 bond Wednesday afternoon.
Officers used GPS coordinates from Ford's cell phone to track his location to the west Pensacola home where he was arrested, the Pensacola News Journal Reported.
"His phone service had been cut off and 911 was the only number he could dial from the phone," said Bob Boschen, communication chief for Escambia County. Boschen said many of Ford's 292 calls were sexual in nature. "When he would call and a male dispatcher would answer, he would hang up," he said. "Our policy says that if a caller is belligerent in nature we have to get enough information to process the call and then we can disconnect," he said. Ford never asked dispatchers for help or indicated he was in trouble.
CANNED LAUGHTER
A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks. The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third. “Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”
NUTTED BY REALITY
I'm praying that those of us still watching this show witnessed the series finale of "On The Lot" and not a season finale. If this show ever gets a second season, I may be forced to boycott all future Burnett and Spielberg productions, and I really want to see the next "Survivor" and Jurassic Park IV. Well, maybe not so much Jurassic Park IV.
Anyhow, take all the things you disliked about this season and point the world's most powerful electron microscope at them. That's about what these last two episodes have been like. It's been painful in every nearly respect and I'm glad to finally be put out of my misery. In all honesty, I'm not even sure how to go about reviewing this episode. Fox probably could have condensed this show into a minute. I can probably condense this review into one word: crap. Do I care that Will liked Under the Gun, Jason liked Catch, and Adam liked Die Hardly Working? Frankly? No. I barely cared about the films the three finalists showed. That pretty much ensures I don't care about the films the non-finalists made six to twelve weeks ago. I also like how Adriana casually dropped the following tidbit around 40 minutes into the episode. "One, two, or possibly all of you probably have a fairly decent Internet following that used the world wide web to vote for you when one of your films was up. Unfortunately, Internet voting didn't work this weekend so you better pray they liked you enough to call on their phone or payed to text message a vote in for you. Sorry." Internet voting didn't work on the most important vote night of the season?! The one where Fox/Dreamworks gives 1 Million dollars to an amateur filmmaker, effectively altering the course of their life forever? Is anyone else appalled by this revelation? How did the directors not jump out of their chairs and dropkick Adriana across the stage? I would have been livid! Anyhow, long story short, Adriana kicked Adam off the lot and it came down to Jason and Will. Some faux tension was built with a commercial break, and Adriana came out and announced that Will Bigham was the winner of "On The Lot". There was some applause, Will got into a limousine, and was carted off to see "his new boss" on the Dreamworks studio. We finally hit paydirt. Spielberg, who I suspected earlier in the season was doing everything in his power to keep his mug off the screen as it pertained to this show, met Will Bigham with open arms and congratulated him for winning the competition. Spielberg mentioned that Will won out of 12,000 applicants to the show, and he also mentioned that he liked Yes Men, Lucky Penny, and Glass Eye. Spielberg appreciated Will's craft, liked his comic timing, and overall, thought he was a great film maker. Steven than said, "Welcome to our lot. Let's go in. Here's a key to your office." The part we didn't see is where Spielberg yanked the key back, called security, and had them forcefully escort Will off of Dreamwork's property. Spielberg could be heard yelling, "Check out my IMDB page sometime. I've got more talent in my beard than you have in your entire body. America got it wrong." Zach then pulled up in a second limousine, Spielberg handed him the key to the office, and nudged him toward a treasure chest filled with gold bullion. Okay, so nothing in the last three sentences really happened, but it'd have made for a much more interesting finale, wouldn't it have? In all seriousness, congratulations to Will Bigham. Of the bunch, he was definitely the most deserving.
Thanks for suffering through the show and reviews with me all season. It's been fun.
GEEK TALK
Well, we might be getting a big screen version of DC Comic's Justice League sooner than we thought. Robert Sanchez at IESB reports that sources at Warner Bros. confirm that "execs behind the Justice League of America want it to be in production as early as February/March 2008 to be ready for a summer of 2009 release." Last June, Erik reported that a completed script for the film had been turned in by Kiernan and Michele Mulroney. IESB's sources now say Warner was so happy with the result, the studio decided to set an early start date for the film. We've already heard talk that George Miller (Mad Max) will be signed to direct, but, the big question still remains: With new installments of Batman and Superman on the way, will WB be able to create a crossover with Christian Bale and Brandon Routh reprising their respective roles? Routh seemed more enthusiastic about the idea than Bale, but if WB is in a rush to get Justice League off the ground, the studio will have to start making some decisions. Casting Routh or Bale could cause serious delays with either a potential third Batman film or the next Superman film, The Man of Steel -- which are two pretty big franchises for WB to gamble with. On the other hand, Justice League could launch a franchise all its own. Plus, the film offers the chance for tie-ins with upcoming big screen versions of Wonder Woman and The Flash. So far nothing is official, so stay tuned for JLA updates as they come my way.
MOVIE BUZZ
Powder Blue
For her next role, Jessica Biel will be shedding her clothes and appearing nude onscreen for the first time. The film is about … ah, who cares? They had me at "Jessica Biel nude."
Transformers 2
Furious that Paramount is refusing to support Blu-ray disc technology, Michael Bay says he's absolutely not directing the sequel. Unless of course, his paycheck suddenly "transforms," if you know what I mean.
Religulous
Bill Maher wants his documentary that spoofs religion to be released next Easter weekend, a move that's so blasphemous it's bound to make Jesus roll in His grave. Well, if He were actually still in there …
Shine a Light
In the trailer for the Rolling Stones documentary, you can see the band arguing with Martin Scorsese on how to film their concert performance. Hey, Stones, the man puts your song "Gimme Shelter" in three of his Oscar-winning films and you still think he needs your advice?
Fourth Friday Movie
Thrilled with Rush Hour 3's recent B.O. success, Chris Tucker says he's all fired up to reunite with Ice Cube for his other main franchise role. Great, he's gone from starring as a guy addicted to weed to a guy addicted to starring in sequels.
Harold & Kumar 2
Speaking of stoners, the hapless pair from the White Castle movie are accused of being terrorists while on a trip to Amsterdam in the first trailer. Bong hit, bomb hit — yeah, they kind of sound similar.
Cassandra's Dream
In the trailer for Woody Allen's latest thriller (just ignore the French subtitles), Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell learn a lesson in "family loyalty." Yep, that's the perfect subject to be taught by the director who ended up marrying his stepdaughter.
Adventureland
Superbad director Greg Mottola already has his next film lined up, about some poor schlub forced to work at an amusement park during his summer vacation. If he needs some script ideas, I have an amusing one about the time I vomited on the Tilt-A-Whirl. Well, amusing for me, not so amusing for the kid sitting next to me.
1-18-08
Sounds like New Yorkers won't be terrorized by just one big monster in J.J. Abrams' mysterious film. They'll also be chased and eaten by smaller versions of the main behemoth. Um, J.J. did see the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla before he agreed to this, right?
I'm Not There
There's a trailer for the unusual biopic of Bob Dylan, starring a bunch of different actors as the folk hero, including Christian Bale, Richard Gere and Cate Blanchett. Of course, director Todd Haynes didn't cast anyone who could actually sing, because if he did, then the movie totally wouldn't be realistic.
Justice League of America
They say the superhero team-up flick is being rushed into production next year for a 2009 release and is mostly geared as a launching pad for eventual Aquaman, Flash, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman solo flicks. I dunno, maybe they should change their group name from the Justice League to the Second Bananas?
The Strangers
Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler are threatened and brutalized in their own home in this trailer. Although I'm not sure if their attackers are serial killers or just overzealous Jehovah's Witnesses.
And now, because my last entry was all in Cockney, and I didn't want to review this movie I saw before my trip to England, here's the review of Underdog.
Underdog
Starring James Belushi, Peter Dinklage, Patrick Warburton, Alex Neuberger; voices of Jason Lee, Amy Adams and Brad Garrett. A talking, flying, cape-wearing beagle fights crimes. He also thwarts a mad scientist who wants to do mad scientist-y things to the world. The verdict for adults: painless and under 90 minutes. The verdict for little kids: best talking, flying, cape-wearing, beagle-fighting-crime movie ever. Normally, when a big studio refuses to show a film to critics, that means you're dealing with something like Captivity or I Know Who Killed Me. They usually don't hold back on letting you see the harmlessly mediocre kids' movies. If it's guilty of any crime, then it's the one where no original thought went into it at all. And for the grown-up audience, that means you'll forget it the second it's over, you won't feel enraged by the way it insults you, and you won't want to claw your own eyes out. These are important distinctions to make when you're discussing lazily created movies for kids. Dinklage as mad scientist Simon Bar-Sinister and Warburton as his oafish assistant Cad are kind of in their own silly movie, and they seem to be having a really good time. I even laughed along with some of the stuff they do, like when Dinklage intones, "The flames of inspiration are licking at my brain!" and he makes it sound like he's doing Macbeth in the West End. They shouldn't have shown any of the original cartoon over the opening credits. That just makes little kids confused and think they're about to see a cartoon. It just makes adults peevish that they're not about to see the cool old cartoon they remember so fondly. Bad decision. If this does big business, and it just might, because the 10 a.m. Sunday screening was packed with mommies and kids … but anyway, if it does big business, then does that mean we can look forward to a live-action Super Chicken? I think about stuff like this.
Well, there you go, another entry. Check out the Phile's webshots page for some
pictures from my trip to England. I will be posting more soon. Until next Thursday, spread the word, not the turd.
Special thanks to Jim, David and Conan.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
England's Latest Clown
Awright geeezzaa! Hello, Phile Phans, I am back from my trip ter England, an' I'm glad ter say da whole time I was there i' was 'ot an' sunny. And ov caaahrse, I'm takin' full credit. . Sorted mate. And as yew can tell, I picked up my old David Hockney accen' when I was there. I'd like ter vank my cousins Michele an' Pete fer puttin' me up, an' Nanny Rose fer not changin' one bit. Sorted mate. Lawd above! The weight ov Hurricane Flossie is bearin' down on Hawaii. This stawm is so 'uge what already FEMA is makin' preparashuns ter ignawer it. The toy company Mattel is recallin' Nervo million toys because they may be dangerous. Mummys boys are dangerous! Just look at da names: Mr. Grenado Blood Red . . . Hungry Hungry Hitler . . . Crack in da Darky Cox . . . Van Halen 'ave announced they are ge'in' back together. They'll start taaahrin' on September 27. On September 28, they'll realize what David Lee Rof is a pain in da ass, an' they'll break up again. . , innit. Anuvver presidential debate. The elecshun is still a year away an' we’ve 'ad 90 debates so far. We’ve whittled i' down ter 690 candidates. . , innit. Blimey! This debate was sponsawerd by a gay group. Sen. Hillary Clin'ern was criticized fer 'er husband’s "Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. In response, Hillary said, "Sorry . . . Aaahr entire marriage is based on me not askin' an' 'im not telling.” In a new in'erview, Angelina Jolie said what ter prove 'er commitmen' ter Brad Pitt, she’s decided ter give up sleepin' wiv women. When 'e 'eard dis, Brad Pitt said, "Dear God what 'ave I done?” A group ov investors announced they plan on openin' a 'otel in space. A weekend stay'll cost $4 million. It'll cost yew anuvver million ter eat a Snickers from da mini bar. . Nuff said, yeah? Here’s somethin' what 'appened dis week. Presiden' Bush’s approval ratin' wen' up. He wen' from wildly unpopular, ter just really unpopular. Soccer mania is sweepin' America. Wif da arrival ov Spice chicken pie David Beckham, people 'ave gone absolutely nuts. He got a $250 million deal ter play fer da L.A. Galaxy. Last night they played their faaahrf game of da season. Two 'undred an' bulls eye million is a hoppin' pot fer a spawt people wan' ter see . . . Never mind soccer. Which I think raised just below pin' pong on television. A couple in Arkansas 'ad their 17f child. Afterwards, da uvver 16 teapot lids frew their dad a "We get i' — you’re not gay” party. It’s a great week fer Barry Bonds. He finally broke da 'omerun record. He celebrated last night wiv an expensive bottle ov champagne which 'e injected in'er 'is ass. Not such a great week fer Donald Trump. His casinos are losin' money. How does a casino lose money? It goes against da laws ov physics. Then again, so does what thin' on 'is 'ead. There was a chicken pie in New York who got arrested fer smugglin' a ki' kat chunky onto a plane. I can’t get faaahr ounces ov shavin' creme onto a plane! How’s 'e get ki' kat chunky on there?
Awright geeezzaa! UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS. Sorted mate.
Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic was a wild geezer when 'e got on stage, but 'is antics surf an' dreft mawer of an impression van 'e in'ended at da 1993 VMA awards. Near da conclusion ov da group's perfawmance ov 'Lithium,' Krist frew 'is guitar in'er da air, only ter 'ave i' 'i' 'im squarely in da 'ead on its descent. He fell ter da ground and crawled offstage while da rest ov da band played on. . OK?
Lor' luv a duck! R.I.P. Know what I mean?
Lawd above! PHIL RIZZUTO, innit: He's gon'a Paradise by da dashboard light. Know what I mean?
Luv a duck! Merv Griffin. Know what I mean?: If 'e died Saturday, that's one year ter da day ov Mike Douglas' dearf. Know what I mean? For those who track such oddities, Johnny Carson died wivin days ov da one year anniversary ov Jack Paar's demise.
Awright geeezzaa! Today In History. Sorted mate.
1057
Macbef is killed in da Battle ov Lumphanan in Aberdeenshire. He 'ad been kin' ov Scotland fer 17 years.
1935
Will Rogers, da most famous geezer in America, dies near Barrow, Alaska when 'is sea plane plunges in'er a lagoon. At da time, he an' one-eyed aviator Wiley Beans on Toast were surveyin' possible flight parfs between Seattle an' da Soviet Union.
1969
Woodstock begins on Max Yasgur's farm in upstate New York. Tickets are $18 fer free days ov coun'erculture musical acts, includin' Jimi Hendrix, The Who, an' Sha- Na-Na.
1994
In'ernashunal terrorist Carlos da Jackal is jailed in France. The assassin was turned over by da Sudanese governmen' after 'e checked in'er a Khartoum 'ospital fer varicose vein surgery on one ov 'is testicle. . , innit.
Lor' luv a duck! Nashun Of Shopkeepers . Know what I mean?
Lawd above! A geezer 'as died a week after bein' attacked by two teenagers 'e confron'ed fer frowin' litter in'er a jam jar window. Evren Anil, 23, was in da fron' passenger seat when da pair frew rubbish fruff da open window as da jam jar waited at traffic lights. When challenged one ov da yowfs an' allk aaaht a knife an' Mr Anil was stabbed awer punched in da face, police said. Five people 'ave been arrested an' bailed over da attack in Central Jack an' Jill, Crystal Palace, sowf-east London. Mr Anil, ov Upper Norwood, suffered 'ead injuries in da attack at abaaaht midday on Ching August an' died in 'ospital on Monday. Garfers said a passer-by in'ervened when da yowfs produced a knife, but what person surf an' dreft da scene when freatened by da yowf. The passer-by then alerted da emergency services. Bof suspects, who were described as bein' black an' in their late teens, ran beef stroganoff in'er da nearby Central Jack an' Jill Estate. Det Ch Insp Cliff Lyons said: "This was an excessive use ov violence by two yowfs who apparently attacked Mr Anil because 'e dared ter challenge their behaviaaahr. "He never recovered from da injuries 'e sustained what day an' leaves behind a family 'ryin' ter come ter terms wiv their loss.". , innit.
Lor' luv a duck! CANNED LAUGHTER. Know what I mean?
Awright geeezzaa! Q: What did da male fly say ter da female fly sittin' on a pile ov cheek by jow shit? A: “Pardon me, but is dis stool taken?”
A geezer en'ers da 'ospital fer a circumcision. When 'e comes ter after da procedure, 'e’s perturbed ter see several doctors standin' around 'is bed. “Son, there’s been a bi' ov a mix-up,” admits da surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, an' we were forced ter perfawm a sex-change operashun. You now 'ave a vagina instead ov a penis.” “What!” gasps da patient. “You sean bean I’ll never experience anuvver erecshun?” “Oh, yew might,” da surgeon reassures 'im. “Just not yaaahrs.”
Three blondes died in an acciden' 'ryin' ter jump da Grand Canyon. They are at da pearly gates ov Heaven. St. Peter tells 'em that they can en'er da gates only if they can answer one mole & pimple religious quesshun. The quesshun posed by St. Peter is, “What is Easter?” The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s da 'oliday in November when we all get together, eat Pinky an' perky an' are vankful.” “Pete Tong!, yew ain't welcome 'ere, I’m afraid. You must go ter da uvver place!” replies St. Peter. Then 'e turns ter da second blonde, an' asks 'er da same quesshun, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is da holiday in December when we put up a apples an' rice tree, exchange presents, an' celebrate da birf ov Jesus.” St. Peter looks at da second blonde, bangs his 'ead on da pearly gates in disgust an' tells 'er she’s pete tong an''ll 'ave ter join 'er friend in da uvver place; she ain't welcome in Heaven. He then peers over 'is glasses at da third blonde an' asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?” The third blonde smiles confidently an' looks St. Peter in da eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously. “Easter is da Christian 'oliday what coincides wiv da Jewish celebrashun ov Passover. Jesus and 'is disciples were eatin' at da last supper an' Jesus was later deceived an' turned over ter da Romans by one ov 'is disciples. The Romans an' allk 'im ter be crucified an' 'e was stabbed in da side, made ter wear a crown ov thorns, an' was hung on a cross wiv nails fruff 'is 'ands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed beef stroganoff by a large boulder.” St. Peter smiles broadly wiv delight. Then da third blonde continues, “Every year da boulder is moved aside so what Jesus can come aaaht and, if 'e sees 'is shadow, there will be six mawer weeks ov win'er!”. OK?
Lawd above! NUTTED BY REALITY. , innit.
Initially, I was opposed ter da way they planned ter do this finale. It just seemed natural what da final free directors should have 'ad ter complete some monumun'al 5-10 minute piece ov work what truly exemplified their talents as a director. The prize is a million dollar deal wiv Dreamworks, after all, not a first place trophy at da local movie festival. Then, after thinkin' abaaaht i' fer a bit, i' actually made some sense fer 'em ter do i' this way. To make da directors create a new piece ov work, an' totally neglect their previous body of work would 'ave been unfair - particularly if they were 'avin' an beef stroganoff day. It'd 'ave been nice ter what these guys could do given somethin' mawer van a couple ov minutes, but I can see 'ow what could be construed as a little unfair ter da con'estants who didn't make i' ter da final free. That said, forcin' America ter watch da same movies fer da season finale 'as ter go down as one ov da lamest things on Buzz Bee in a long time. They could've done so barethings. Spielberg could 'ave busted aaaht on da stage wiv a snappy bi' ofa glance number. America could have voted ter see which skimpy outfi' Adrianna Costa would be forced ter wear. The remainin' free directors could 'ave been forced ter wrestle ter da dearf in baby oil as da final means ov winnin' da grand prize. Anythin' else would 'ave been be'er. We've invested a bee's knees 16 weeks in this seethin' sack ov suck, an' I don't feel like there's really been any pay beef stroganoff. Din' Dong Bell, I don't even really care who wins at this point, an' I sure as 'ell won't remember one ov the se directors' names should a miracle occur an' they actually get a movie created under da Dreamworks umbrella. Okay, I'm done ranting. So, each finalist ended up selectin' two movies from all da movies they 'ad done this summer. I've poin'ed 'em aaaht below along wiv some brief thoughts after viewin' 'em fer a second time. . Know what I mean?
MOVIE BUZZ
The Wackness
The 63-year-old Ben Kingsley repawtedly 'as a 'ot makeaaaht scene wiv Mary- Kate Olsen in this comedy abaaaht a drug dealer who's in therapy. Mary-Kate was frilled ter kiss one ov 'er idols. She said da 'unger strike scenes in Sir Ben's Gandwotcherhave been a real influence on 'er eatin' 'abits., innit.
The Jonavan Ross'd Boys: The Tribe
Looks like Cawery Haim is gon'a make an appearance in da direct-to-DVD sequel after all. I guess producers saw 'is fake cryin' jag on a phony "reality" show, an' i' proved ter 'em that da dude actually can still act. Sorted mate.
Jurassic Light an' Dark IV
The latest rumor aaaht there is what da dinos'll be trained by da governmen' ter wield guns. Of caaahrse, when I first 'eard what a dinosaur was goin' terbe carryin' firearms, I naturally assumed i' was just anuvver news story abaaaht Stallone in John Rambo. OK?
Porky's
Howard Stern 'as announced what 'is remake of da classic filthy teen comedy 'a s finally gotten da green light after two differen' scripts bein' developed at da same time were combined. Considerin' what this is Stern, I'msurprised 'e didn't combine yet anuvver script and make i' a freesome.
Conan
Millennium Films 'opes ter 'ave a new version in producshun by next spring. In it, Conan'll get elected ter da ancien' land ov Cimmeria an' "veto" new bills by pummelin' members ov da state senate ter smithereens.
Neverwhere
Despite Stardust tankin' in theaters, creator Neil Gaiman already 'as 'is next project in da pipeline: a feature-film version ov 'is TV miniseries abaaaht magical 'omeless people livin' in subway tunnels. The only "magical" things I've ever seen in a subway were da rats da size ov poodles in NYC. Know what I mean?
Thor
Kevin McKidd ov HBO's "Rome" is said to be da main choice ter star as da blond- tressed superhero who can summon an' dispel thunderstawms at'll by Labooswingin' a mystic 'ammer. That must come in 'andy when 'e wants ter apple cawer a primo spot on a crowded beach.
Awright geeezzaa! Well, that's i' fer a special Wednesday version ov da Phile. The next en'ry'll be posted next Thursday, so, spread da word, not da turd. Sorted mate.
Awright geeezzaa! UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS. Sorted mate.
Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic was a wild geezer when 'e got on stage, but 'is antics surf an' dreft mawer of an impression van 'e in'ended at da 1993 VMA awards. Near da conclusion ov da group's perfawmance ov 'Lithium,' Krist frew 'is guitar in'er da air, only ter 'ave i' 'i' 'im squarely in da 'ead on its descent. He fell ter da ground and crawled offstage while da rest ov da band played on. . OK?
Lor' luv a duck! R.I.P. Know what I mean?
Lawd above! PHIL RIZZUTO, innit: He's gon'a Paradise by da dashboard light. Know what I mean?
Luv a duck! Merv Griffin. Know what I mean?: If 'e died Saturday, that's one year ter da day ov Mike Douglas' dearf. Know what I mean? For those who track such oddities, Johnny Carson died wivin days ov da one year anniversary ov Jack Paar's demise.
Awright geeezzaa! Today In History. Sorted mate.
1057
Macbef is killed in da Battle ov Lumphanan in Aberdeenshire. He 'ad been kin' ov Scotland fer 17 years.
1935
Will Rogers, da most famous geezer in America, dies near Barrow, Alaska when 'is sea plane plunges in'er a lagoon. At da time, he an' one-eyed aviator Wiley Beans on Toast were surveyin' possible flight parfs between Seattle an' da Soviet Union.
1969
Woodstock begins on Max Yasgur's farm in upstate New York. Tickets are $18 fer free days ov coun'erculture musical acts, includin' Jimi Hendrix, The Who, an' Sha- Na-Na.
1994
In'ernashunal terrorist Carlos da Jackal is jailed in France. The assassin was turned over by da Sudanese governmen' after 'e checked in'er a Khartoum 'ospital fer varicose vein surgery on one ov 'is testicle. . , innit.
Lor' luv a duck! Nashun Of Shopkeepers . Know what I mean?
Lawd above! A geezer 'as died a week after bein' attacked by two teenagers 'e confron'ed fer frowin' litter in'er a jam jar window. Evren Anil, 23, was in da fron' passenger seat when da pair frew rubbish fruff da open window as da jam jar waited at traffic lights. When challenged one ov da yowfs an' allk aaaht a knife an' Mr Anil was stabbed awer punched in da face, police said. Five people 'ave been arrested an' bailed over da attack in Central Jack an' Jill, Crystal Palace, sowf-east London. Mr Anil, ov Upper Norwood, suffered 'ead injuries in da attack at abaaaht midday on Ching August an' died in 'ospital on Monday. Garfers said a passer-by in'ervened when da yowfs produced a knife, but what person surf an' dreft da scene when freatened by da yowf. The passer-by then alerted da emergency services. Bof suspects, who were described as bein' black an' in their late teens, ran beef stroganoff in'er da nearby Central Jack an' Jill Estate. Det Ch Insp Cliff Lyons said: "This was an excessive use ov violence by two yowfs who apparently attacked Mr Anil because 'e dared ter challenge their behaviaaahr. "He never recovered from da injuries 'e sustained what day an' leaves behind a family 'ryin' ter come ter terms wiv their loss.". , innit.
Lor' luv a duck! CANNED LAUGHTER. Know what I mean?
Awright geeezzaa! Q: What did da male fly say ter da female fly sittin' on a pile ov cheek by jow shit? A: “Pardon me, but is dis stool taken?”
A geezer en'ers da 'ospital fer a circumcision. When 'e comes ter after da procedure, 'e’s perturbed ter see several doctors standin' around 'is bed. “Son, there’s been a bi' ov a mix-up,” admits da surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, an' we were forced ter perfawm a sex-change operashun. You now 'ave a vagina instead ov a penis.” “What!” gasps da patient. “You sean bean I’ll never experience anuvver erecshun?” “Oh, yew might,” da surgeon reassures 'im. “Just not yaaahrs.”
Three blondes died in an acciden' 'ryin' ter jump da Grand Canyon. They are at da pearly gates ov Heaven. St. Peter tells 'em that they can en'er da gates only if they can answer one mole & pimple religious quesshun. The quesshun posed by St. Peter is, “What is Easter?” The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s da 'oliday in November when we all get together, eat Pinky an' perky an' are vankful.” “Pete Tong!, yew ain't welcome 'ere, I’m afraid. You must go ter da uvver place!” replies St. Peter. Then 'e turns ter da second blonde, an' asks 'er da same quesshun, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is da holiday in December when we put up a apples an' rice tree, exchange presents, an' celebrate da birf ov Jesus.” St. Peter looks at da second blonde, bangs his 'ead on da pearly gates in disgust an' tells 'er she’s pete tong an''ll 'ave ter join 'er friend in da uvver place; she ain't welcome in Heaven. He then peers over 'is glasses at da third blonde an' asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?” The third blonde smiles confidently an' looks St. Peter in da eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously. “Easter is da Christian 'oliday what coincides wiv da Jewish celebrashun ov Passover. Jesus and 'is disciples were eatin' at da last supper an' Jesus was later deceived an' turned over ter da Romans by one ov 'is disciples. The Romans an' allk 'im ter be crucified an' 'e was stabbed in da side, made ter wear a crown ov thorns, an' was hung on a cross wiv nails fruff 'is 'ands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed beef stroganoff by a large boulder.” St. Peter smiles broadly wiv delight. Then da third blonde continues, “Every year da boulder is moved aside so what Jesus can come aaaht and, if 'e sees 'is shadow, there will be six mawer weeks ov win'er!”. OK?
Lawd above! NUTTED BY REALITY. , innit.
Initially, I was opposed ter da way they planned ter do this finale. It just seemed natural what da final free directors should have 'ad ter complete some monumun'al 5-10 minute piece ov work what truly exemplified their talents as a director. The prize is a million dollar deal wiv Dreamworks, after all, not a first place trophy at da local movie festival. Then, after thinkin' abaaaht i' fer a bit, i' actually made some sense fer 'em ter do i' this way. To make da directors create a new piece ov work, an' totally neglect their previous body of work would 'ave been unfair - particularly if they were 'avin' an beef stroganoff day. It'd 'ave been nice ter what these guys could do given somethin' mawer van a couple ov minutes, but I can see 'ow what could be construed as a little unfair ter da con'estants who didn't make i' ter da final free. That said, forcin' America ter watch da same movies fer da season finale 'as ter go down as one ov da lamest things on Buzz Bee in a long time. They could've done so barethings. Spielberg could 'ave busted aaaht on da stage wiv a snappy bi' ofa glance number. America could have voted ter see which skimpy outfi' Adrianna Costa would be forced ter wear. The remainin' free directors could 'ave been forced ter wrestle ter da dearf in baby oil as da final means ov winnin' da grand prize. Anythin' else would 'ave been be'er. We've invested a bee's knees 16 weeks in this seethin' sack ov suck, an' I don't feel like there's really been any pay beef stroganoff. Din' Dong Bell, I don't even really care who wins at this point, an' I sure as 'ell won't remember one ov the se directors' names should a miracle occur an' they actually get a movie created under da Dreamworks umbrella. Okay, I'm done ranting. So, each finalist ended up selectin' two movies from all da movies they 'ad done this summer. I've poin'ed 'em aaaht below along wiv some brief thoughts after viewin' 'em fer a second time. . Know what I mean?
MOVIE BUZZ
The Wackness
The 63-year-old Ben Kingsley repawtedly 'as a 'ot makeaaaht scene wiv Mary- Kate Olsen in this comedy abaaaht a drug dealer who's in therapy. Mary-Kate was frilled ter kiss one ov 'er idols. She said da 'unger strike scenes in Sir Ben's Gandwotcherhave been a real influence on 'er eatin' 'abits., innit.
The Jonavan Ross'd Boys: The Tribe
Looks like Cawery Haim is gon'a make an appearance in da direct-to-DVD sequel after all. I guess producers saw 'is fake cryin' jag on a phony "reality" show, an' i' proved ter 'em that da dude actually can still act. Sorted mate.
Jurassic Light an' Dark IV
The latest rumor aaaht there is what da dinos'll be trained by da governmen' ter wield guns. Of caaahrse, when I first 'eard what a dinosaur was goin' terbe carryin' firearms, I naturally assumed i' was just anuvver news story abaaaht Stallone in John Rambo. OK?
Porky's
Howard Stern 'as announced what 'is remake of da classic filthy teen comedy 'a s finally gotten da green light after two differen' scripts bein' developed at da same time were combined. Considerin' what this is Stern, I'msurprised 'e didn't combine yet anuvver script and make i' a freesome.
Conan
Millennium Films 'opes ter 'ave a new version in producshun by next spring. In it, Conan'll get elected ter da ancien' land ov Cimmeria an' "veto" new bills by pummelin' members ov da state senate ter smithereens.
Neverwhere
Despite Stardust tankin' in theaters, creator Neil Gaiman already 'as 'is next project in da pipeline: a feature-film version ov 'is TV miniseries abaaaht magical 'omeless people livin' in subway tunnels. The only "magical" things I've ever seen in a subway were da rats da size ov poodles in NYC. Know what I mean?
Thor
Kevin McKidd ov HBO's "Rome" is said to be da main choice ter star as da blond- tressed superhero who can summon an' dispel thunderstawms at'll by Labooswingin' a mystic 'ammer. That must come in 'andy when 'e wants ter apple cawer a primo spot on a crowded beach.
Awright geeezzaa! Well, that's i' fer a special Wednesday version ov da Phile. The next en'ry'll be posted next Thursday, so, spread da word, not da turd. Sorted mate.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
A Peverett Phile Extra: D'oh!
Hey, I forgot to give the review of The Simpson's Movie in yesterday's blog entry. So, I lied, I said the next update will be when I come back from England, but here we are, Friday night, almost Saturday morning. So, here's a special entry. But first... The new host of "The View” is Whoopi Goldberg. Rosie had to leave because of dog fighting. Donald Trump has a new line of bedroom furniture. Apparently he found out there was still some money out there that he didn’t have his hands on. Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President Bush is furious and said, "That’s ridiculous — everyone knows the North Pole is owned by Santa.” Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich’s campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama’s luggage. This week, a group of Mexican officials crossed the border into Texas to see how the U.S. handles immigration enforcement. As soon as the Mexican officials arrived, they yelled, "Suckers!” and headed for Los Angeles. In Florida, a man whose name is Harry Potter says that he is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street, Joey Voldermort. The Internet has finally met its match. Elton John. He wants to shut it down. He says it stifles creativity. And prevents real human connection. I think he’s just repulsed by the Internet because it’s full of naked women, and the Peverett Phile. Look out Internet, your reign of terror is over! Kayne West is speaking out too. He says that black people should stop using the word "bling.” He says that only whites and out-of-touch older black people still say it. I don’t know if you know this, but I am white and I have to admit, I get confused about this sort of thing. I just found out it’s not cool to sat "OPP” anymore.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Metallica frontman James Hetfield knows the dangers of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. During a 1992 concert, the singer misinterpreted a stage cue and wound up standing right in the middle of a pyrotechnic stage explosion. James suffered severe second- and third-degree burns to his left arm and was unable to play guitar for the last two-thirds of the tour. After his recovery, James tattooed his left arm with a picture of flames encasing four playing cards.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
PENSACOLA, Fla. - A man charged with dialing 911 to chat with dispatchers nearly 300 times in the last month remained in jail Wednesday. Cheveon Alonzo Ford, 21, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with making obscene and harassing telephone calls. He told authorities he began calling 911 because "I have no minutes on my phone and 911 is a free call" the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said in a news release. Ford was being held on a $50,000 bond Wednesday afternoon.
Officers used GPS coordinates from Ford's cell phone to track his location to the west Pensacola home where he was arrested, the Pensacola News Journal Reported.
"His phone service had been cut off and 911 was the only number he could dial from the phone," said Bob Boschen, communication chief for Escambia County. Boschen said many of Ford's 292 calls were sexual in nature. "When he would call and a male dispatcher would answer, he would hang up," he said. "Our policy says that if a caller is belligerent in nature we have to get enough information to process the call and then we can disconnect," he said. Ford never asked dispatchers for help or indicated he was in trouble.
R.I.P.
Michael "Mike" Reid (19 January 1940 – 29 July 2007) was a British comedian and character actor, who is best remembered for playing Frank Butcher in the soap opera "EastEnders". Mike Reid died in Marbella, Spain on 29 July 2007, aged 67 from a suspected heart attack. Two weeks before he died, he had received a full medical examination and had been given a clean bill of health. Irony. It's a killer.
MOVIE BUZZ MOVIE REVIEW
The Simpson's Movie
Starring the voices of Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Hank Azaria, Harry Shearer, Pamela Hayden. Springfield finally succumbs to the environmental disaster it was always meant to experience. The town becomes encased in a giant quarantine bubble, and guess which donut-consuming character is to blame? The big question on everyone's mind shouldn't be, "Is it funny?" because of course it's funny. This show's been on TV for almost as long as "Gunsmoke", and they know what they're doing. If only 98 percent of all live-action comedies were as anarchic and razor-funny, you know? Anyway, the question should be, "Is it more than just four episodes strung together?" And the answer is a nice "yes." It goes to character, visual and thematic places that the show's never gone to before. Making it bigger really works. For example(s), you see more of Springfield than ever before, the Inconvenient Truthish-ness of the plot is more weighty, and without getting spoilery, the Simpson family members are taken down deeper — and in a few places, almost serious — paths of self-discovery than they've ever ventured into in a 22-minute episode. I know "self-discovery" sounds pretentious and inappropriate when applied to this show's characters, but that's kind of what happens. Don't freak out, though; it enhances them instead of making you wonder why it's happening. Unless this turns out to be like the South Park movie, and by that, I mean a self-contained moment that the show doesn't acknowledge or refer back to, the story here feels almost penultimate, as though it were a way to start wrapping up the TV series. I hope not. American pop culture needs "The Simpsons" to be a nightmare mirror of its worst tendencies. Another movie! Four hundred more episodes!
Okay, there you have it, Phans. Now, the next entry will be posted in two weeks after I come back from England. Until then, spread the word, not the turd.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Metallica frontman James Hetfield knows the dangers of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. During a 1992 concert, the singer misinterpreted a stage cue and wound up standing right in the middle of a pyrotechnic stage explosion. James suffered severe second- and third-degree burns to his left arm and was unable to play guitar for the last two-thirds of the tour. After his recovery, James tattooed his left arm with a picture of flames encasing four playing cards.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
PENSACOLA, Fla. - A man charged with dialing 911 to chat with dispatchers nearly 300 times in the last month remained in jail Wednesday. Cheveon Alonzo Ford, 21, was arrested Tuesday night and charged with making obscene and harassing telephone calls. He told authorities he began calling 911 because "I have no minutes on my phone and 911 is a free call" the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said in a news release. Ford was being held on a $50,000 bond Wednesday afternoon.
Officers used GPS coordinates from Ford's cell phone to track his location to the west Pensacola home where he was arrested, the Pensacola News Journal Reported.
"His phone service had been cut off and 911 was the only number he could dial from the phone," said Bob Boschen, communication chief for Escambia County. Boschen said many of Ford's 292 calls were sexual in nature. "When he would call and a male dispatcher would answer, he would hang up," he said. "Our policy says that if a caller is belligerent in nature we have to get enough information to process the call and then we can disconnect," he said. Ford never asked dispatchers for help or indicated he was in trouble.
R.I.P.
Michael "Mike" Reid (19 January 1940 – 29 July 2007) was a British comedian and character actor, who is best remembered for playing Frank Butcher in the soap opera "EastEnders". Mike Reid died in Marbella, Spain on 29 July 2007, aged 67 from a suspected heart attack. Two weeks before he died, he had received a full medical examination and had been given a clean bill of health. Irony. It's a killer.
MOVIE BUZZ MOVIE REVIEW
The Simpson's Movie
Starring the voices of Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Hank Azaria, Harry Shearer, Pamela Hayden. Springfield finally succumbs to the environmental disaster it was always meant to experience. The town becomes encased in a giant quarantine bubble, and guess which donut-consuming character is to blame? The big question on everyone's mind shouldn't be, "Is it funny?" because of course it's funny. This show's been on TV for almost as long as "Gunsmoke", and they know what they're doing. If only 98 percent of all live-action comedies were as anarchic and razor-funny, you know? Anyway, the question should be, "Is it more than just four episodes strung together?" And the answer is a nice "yes." It goes to character, visual and thematic places that the show's never gone to before. Making it bigger really works. For example(s), you see more of Springfield than ever before, the Inconvenient Truthish-ness of the plot is more weighty, and without getting spoilery, the Simpson family members are taken down deeper — and in a few places, almost serious — paths of self-discovery than they've ever ventured into in a 22-minute episode. I know "self-discovery" sounds pretentious and inappropriate when applied to this show's characters, but that's kind of what happens. Don't freak out, though; it enhances them instead of making you wonder why it's happening. Unless this turns out to be like the South Park movie, and by that, I mean a self-contained moment that the show doesn't acknowledge or refer back to, the story here feels almost penultimate, as though it were a way to start wrapping up the TV series. I hope not. American pop culture needs "The Simpsons" to be a nightmare mirror of its worst tendencies. Another movie! Four hundred more episodes!
Okay, there you have it, Phans. Now, the next entry will be posted in two weeks after I come back from England. Until then, spread the word, not the turd.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
It's A Free Country. Hey, You Get What You Paid For
Hello, welcome to the Phile. I'm your host, Jet-Set Peverett. Monday I will be flying to London on British Airways. That's what I call it when I fart...british airways. There’s a new study out that says there are 237 reasons why people have sex. Two-hundred-and-thirty-seven reasons! Reason No. 237: Something to do while my wife is running for president. The new prime minister of England, Gordon Brown, secretly met with Bill Clinton. By the way, it was Bill Clinton’s seventh secret meeting of the day. The New York Post reports that Britney Spears often feeds her children soda, candy, ice cream, and Doritos. Or as Britney calls them, the four food groups. A man in Mexico who once weighed 1,200 pounds has lost almost half that weight and might enter the "Guinness Book of World Records” for most weight lost. The Mexican man lost the weight when the family inside him moved to America. The Xerox company announced that they have created a new kind of paper that kills fewer trees. A spokesman said, "Every ingredient in our new paper is completely synthetic except for the kittens.” Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared on "Larry King Live.” Doctors say he looked old, pale, and sickly; and so did Cheney. Former President Bill Clinton said that if Hillary is elected president, he’d be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, "I’ve already got the roving part down." According to a new report, many people from Cuba are now sneaking in through Mexico. Apparently the hard part is squeezing the raft through the tunnel. In Ireland, someone recently broke into a wax museum, and undressed the wax figures of Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, and Franklin D. Roosevelt. The new exhibit is called "Gay Orgies of the Second World War." Iraq’s parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq for the month of August, the likes of which haven’t been seen since June or July.
Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, "Houston, I have a problem.”
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Musicians are accustomed to being pelted with roses and underwear during their performances, but on June 18, 2004, David Bowie was struck by an object of adoration that almost cost him his sight. About 20 minutes into a performance in Olso, Norway, the stick of a lollipop that had been thrown at the singer became wedged between his left eyeball and his eyelid. A panicked member of his entourage rushed onstage and helped him remove it and Bowie -- ever the pro -- continued the show. I would of cried like a big fat baby.
R.I.P.
Man, if there's one word that pisses me off in obituaries, it's "legendary." Three deaths announced this week, and I've seen obits for all three people claiming that they were "legendary." You know what makes someone legendary? LEGENDS ABOUT THEM. Doubt as to whether or not they or their exploits were real or not. Robin Hood is legendary. King Arthur. Stretching it a little, George Washington could be legendary given that he has the cherry-tree story and all that. Davy Crockett can be labelled as legendary. Ingmar Bergman is NOT legendary - he was a highly influential and critically acclaimed film-maker. Tom Snyder was a good interviewer (EXTREMELY good, actually, if you compare him to Larry King or most of today's folks who are more interested in reading what's on their cards than having conversation) but there is no real doubt as to his existence or exploits. There is no rumour about him killing a bear at 3 years old. And Bill Walsh was a football coach - not a legendary coach, but a very real and successful coach. The only person I can associate with football who might be considered legendary is the Gipper. Why the hell are people calling all of these people legends? You know what gets me even more? When sportscasters refer to retired players as "former legends." What the hell is THAT? Cal Ripken was never legendary when he played; YOU COULD SEE HIM RIGHT THERE ON THE FUCKING FIELD. There was no doubt about his stamina because his record was talked about EVERY GAME. If anything, he's going to BECOME a legend. I'm not sure how one could EVER be a FORMER legend. I'm pretty sure that's actually impossible, unless they found definitive existence that King Arthur actually existed. Ugh.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1876
Drinking at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, Jack McCall notices Wild Bill Hickok playing poker at a corner table. Then he calmly walks over to the table and blows a wide hole in the back of Hickok's head with a .45 revolver. The professional gambler and onetime lawman was holding a pair of Aces and a pair of eights, now known as the "Dead Man's Hand."
1923
President Warren G. Harding dies suddenly at the Palace Hotel in San Francisco. His wife Florence forbids an autopsy, and the President's body is embalmed shortly after death. It is speculated by many that the cause of death, initially reported as "a stroke of apoplexy," was in fact poison administered by the First Lady.
1990
After Kuwait refuses to waive Iraq's war debts, 100,000 Iraqi soldiers stream across the border and seize control of Kuwait City. Their troops outnumbered 5-to-1, the Kuwaitis mount no resistance whatsoever. In so doing, Saddam Hussein precipitates the first Gulf War.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
Derek Ladner, 59, from Redruth, Cornwall, bought a ticket after forgetting he already had one, meaning he had two wins for the same draw. He and his wife Dawn, 60, reaped the rewards on Wednesday after being presented with a cheque for £958,284.
It is the first time the same person has won twice in the same draw. The lucky numbers on both tickets for the draw on 11 July were 3, 9, 10, 12, 46 and 47. A Camelot spokesman said: "It must have been a huge and happy surprise." I kept telling him he'd got it wrong and to check it again." Two days after the draw was made, on Friday 13 July, delivery driver Mr Ladner claimed his £479,142 share of the £2.5m jackpot. It was not until a week later he remembered he had bought another ticket with the same numbers for the same draw. Mrs Ladner said it took her husband a little while to convince her they had hit a double jackpot. "I just couldn't believe it - I kept telling him he'd got it wrong and to check it again," she said. The couple plan to have a holiday to give themselves time to contemplate what they will do with the money.
Mr Ladner is planning to give up work so he can spend more time on his favourite hobby of playing bowls. He said they will continue to play the lottery - keeping the same numbers. "They say lightning never strikes twice but it did, so perhaps it'll strike three times," he added.
NUTTED BY REALITY
Thanks to Dish Network and Brighthouse being such pricks, I had to watch "On The Lot" and "Big Brother 8" on-line, which sucks. Direct TV were supposed to come ut today to install but it rained, so they did nothing. Anyway, here's what happened on Tuesday's "On The Lot". Throughout the season I've commented on how many of the director's films end up looking more like car commercials thanks to the heavy placement of Ford vehicles throughout their features. This week the problem was exacerbated because everyone had to make films using "automobiles" as a loose theme. I find it a little suspect that "automobiles" was considered the theme since in previous weeks we had genres like comedy, horror, action, and romantic comedy.
It almost feels like the sponsor forced this arrangement on the producers of the show. Maybe Ford is unhappy with the way the show has been performing in the ratings. Maybe this was planned all along. Either way, the result is the same. Fox has officially pimped "On The Lot" out to the auto industry. I hope they're proud. This week Andrew and Zach had the lowest vote totals and Andrew ended up getting kicked off the lot. Jason received the highest number of votes last week and as a prize got to work with Jerry O'Connell in his short. It seems really strange to implement something like this so late in the season, but whatever. I don't even ask questions anymore. I just blindly accept whatever they throw at me and roll with it. Next week's genre could be a combination of "Snuff Films" and "Straight to DVD Softcore." I wouldn't so much as flinch. Tonight's guest judge was Gary Ross director of Seabiscuit, Pleasantville, and Dave. We also gained the displeasure of having Garry Marshall's sister Penny replace him this week. I consider this a downgrade because Penny makes Garry's ramblings sound Shakespearean by comparison.
GEEK TALK
I guess you have two questions to ask yourself: 1) Do you want the same guy who brought us Happy Feet and Babe directing a Justice League of America film? or 2) Do you want the same guy who brought us the Mad Max trilogy directing a Justice League of America film? I guess it doesn't really matter since we're talking about the same guy here, and if folks like Latino Review are correct, you won't have any say in the decision either. Yup, their sources are saying that George Miller is the frontrunner to helm the Justice League film. It's an odd choice, I know, especially considering the fact that Miller has never worked on a comic-related film (to my knowledge), and that his last two films were animated kiddie flicks. Plus, the final installment in the Mad Max trilogy came out in 1985 (22 years ago for those keeping counting at home), so is this really the guy we want in charge of what could potentially be one of the coolest superhero flicks of all time? For the uneducated among us, The Justice League of America (or JLA) is a team comprised of all of our favorite DC superheroes, including Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Aquaman, etc... By all accounts, Warner Bros. is intent on making this a live action film, with talk that Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would possibly reprise their pre-existing roles as Batman and Superman for the flick. Last we heard, Kieran and Michele Mulroney were hired to write a script, and Warners was looking for a director. Is that director George Miller? We don't know for sure, but folks claim he's real close to signing on. When I first read the story, I immediately expected an announcement that the JLA movie would be animated, and not live action -- especially considering that Miller has been working in that realm for the past few years. Personally, and I've said this a number of times, the only way this film could truly work is if they did it in badass CGI -- kind of like the recent TMNT film. Get Bale and Routh to voice characters, and you're set. If the Batman and Superman franchises weren't already re-established, I'd say go for the live action. But the way it is now -- with audiences and fans already invested in the storylines playing out in those other films -- why mess with it? Just my two cents. What do you think?
CANNED LAUGHTER
A physician picked up his phone in the middle of the night to the frantic cries of one of his patients: “Doctor, you gotta help me! My 12-year old just swallowed a condom!,” the distraught father cried. The concerned MD grabbed his bag and headed for the door. As he turned the knob, the phone rang again, and the previously agitated parent said, “Never mind, we found another one!”
Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Wanna go ride bikes?
A man goes to the doctor for test results. The doctor says, “I have good news and bad. Which do you want first?” “Give me the good,” the man says. “They are going to name a disease after you.”
MOVIE BUZZ
Beowulf
If you're quick with the pause button, you can sit and stare at a naked Angelina Jolie in the film's new "international" trailer. Ooh-la-la! OK, it's just a CG-animated version, but that's better than no naked Angelina Jolie at all, right?
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
I suppose most people think the revealing news out of this Comic-Con video panel is that Karen Allen is back as Marion Ravenwood. What's more shocking? That creepy facial hair Shia LaBeouf has been sporting.
The Incredible Hulk
It might come as news to screenwriter Zak Penn, but Edward Norton told the folks at Comic-Con that he wrote the script himself. Man, that dude must have a big head. A big green one, actually.
Watchmen
At his own Comic-Con panel, Zack Snyder revealed the movie's official poster and promised he was going to make the first R-rated superhero movie, where the heroes will stand for "Truth, Justice and the American Way to Bludgeon, Maim and Massacre."
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The video is the first look at the titular prince in action. Wait a minute? Princes actually do stuff? I thought they just dated heiresses and wore inappropriate costumes to parties.
Maxim Movies
The magazine is going produce a trio of films, which they hope will stimulate intellectual discourse about the challenges men face in an increasingly diversified world. Nah, just kidding. The only place the three movies — Virginity Rocks, Mardi Gras and Fired Up — will be stimulating is below guys' belts.
The Dark Knight
Disappointingly, the first official teaser trailer doesn't show any footage and only contains snippets of dialogue by Christian Bale, Michael Cain and Heath Ledger. I could do a better job piecing the film together with news footage from Fox's Chicago affiliate.
Repo! The Genetic Opera
Paris Hilton is not only going to star in this horror musical, but she's going to sing in it, too. I guess that's one way to guarantee that audiences will be fleeing the theater in terror …
30 Days of Night
Note to the little girl vampire who tries to sink her teeth into Josh Hartnett in the exclusive clip after this very bloody age-restricted trailer: If Mommy won't let you watch your own scene, you can use my birthday (11-23-68) to sign in.
Resident Evil: Extinction
In another grotesque "red-band" trailer, not only does Milla Jovovich have to blow out the brains of the undead, she has to avoid being pecked to death by a flock of zombie crows. If they make another one of these, I think Milla should fight a zombie Flock of Seagulls. Hey, they already have the theme song: "I Ran."
Drillbit Taylor
In the trailer, Owen Wilson stars as a bodyguard who protects three teenage nerds from a bully. I didn't need anybody protecting me from being picked on in high school. I was so encrusted with zits, the bullies were too afraid to even get their fists near my face.
Ta-da, there you go, another entry of the Phile. Next week there won't be an update as I'll be in England, and I doubt I will be able to update from my cousins' house. Then the Thursday after I get back, in two weeks the Phile will be updated again. Remember, I want to hit 3000 views by Christmas Day. We can do it, folks. Spread the word, not the turd.
Several astronauts are denying accusations that they flew on the space shuttle while they were drunk. However, experts say the first step to recovery is admitting, "Houston, I have a problem.”
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Musicians are accustomed to being pelted with roses and underwear during their performances, but on June 18, 2004, David Bowie was struck by an object of adoration that almost cost him his sight. About 20 minutes into a performance in Olso, Norway, the stick of a lollipop that had been thrown at the singer became wedged between his left eyeball and his eyelid. A panicked member of his entourage rushed onstage and helped him remove it and Bowie -- ever the pro -- continued the show. I would of cried like a big fat baby.
R.I.P.
Man, if there's one word that pisses me off in obituaries, it's "legendary." Three deaths announced this week, and I've seen obits for all three people claiming that they were "legendary." You know what makes someone legendary? LEGENDS ABOUT THEM. Doubt as to whether or not they or their exploits were real or not. Robin Hood is legendary. King Arthur. Stretching it a little, George Washington could be legendary given that he has the cherry-tree story and all that. Davy Crockett can be labelled as legendary. Ingmar Bergman is NOT legendary - he was a highly influential and critically acclaimed film-maker. Tom Snyder was a good interviewer (EXTREMELY good, actually, if you compare him to Larry King or most of today's folks who are more interested in reading what's on their cards than having conversation) but there is no real doubt as to his existence or exploits. There is no rumour about him killing a bear at 3 years old. And Bill Walsh was a football coach - not a legendary coach, but a very real and successful coach. The only person I can associate with football who might be considered legendary is the Gipper. Why the hell are people calling all of these people legends? You know what gets me even more? When sportscasters refer to retired players as "former legends." What the hell is THAT? Cal Ripken was never legendary when he played; YOU COULD SEE HIM RIGHT THERE ON THE FUCKING FIELD. There was no doubt about his stamina because his record was talked about EVERY GAME. If anything, he's going to BECOME a legend. I'm not sure how one could EVER be a FORMER legend. I'm pretty sure that's actually impossible, unless they found definitive existence that King Arthur actually existed. Ugh.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1876
Drinking at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, Jack McCall notices Wild Bill Hickok playing poker at a corner table. Then he calmly walks over to the table and blows a wide hole in the back of Hickok's head with a .45 revolver. The professional gambler and onetime lawman was holding a pair of Aces and a pair of eights, now known as the "Dead Man's Hand."
1923
President Warren G. Harding dies suddenly at the Palace Hotel in San Francisco. His wife Florence forbids an autopsy, and the President's body is embalmed shortly after death. It is speculated by many that the cause of death, initially reported as "a stroke of apoplexy," was in fact poison administered by the First Lady.
1990
After Kuwait refuses to waive Iraq's war debts, 100,000 Iraqi soldiers stream across the border and seize control of Kuwait City. Their troops outnumbered 5-to-1, the Kuwaitis mount no resistance whatsoever. In so doing, Saddam Hussein precipitates the first Gulf War.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
Derek Ladner, 59, from Redruth, Cornwall, bought a ticket after forgetting he already had one, meaning he had two wins for the same draw. He and his wife Dawn, 60, reaped the rewards on Wednesday after being presented with a cheque for £958,284.
It is the first time the same person has won twice in the same draw. The lucky numbers on both tickets for the draw on 11 July were 3, 9, 10, 12, 46 and 47. A Camelot spokesman said: "It must have been a huge and happy surprise." I kept telling him he'd got it wrong and to check it again." Two days after the draw was made, on Friday 13 July, delivery driver Mr Ladner claimed his £479,142 share of the £2.5m jackpot. It was not until a week later he remembered he had bought another ticket with the same numbers for the same draw. Mrs Ladner said it took her husband a little while to convince her they had hit a double jackpot. "I just couldn't believe it - I kept telling him he'd got it wrong and to check it again," she said. The couple plan to have a holiday to give themselves time to contemplate what they will do with the money.
Mr Ladner is planning to give up work so he can spend more time on his favourite hobby of playing bowls. He said they will continue to play the lottery - keeping the same numbers. "They say lightning never strikes twice but it did, so perhaps it'll strike three times," he added.
NUTTED BY REALITY
Thanks to Dish Network and Brighthouse being such pricks, I had to watch "On The Lot" and "Big Brother 8" on-line, which sucks. Direct TV were supposed to come ut today to install but it rained, so they did nothing. Anyway, here's what happened on Tuesday's "On The Lot". Throughout the season I've commented on how many of the director's films end up looking more like car commercials thanks to the heavy placement of Ford vehicles throughout their features. This week the problem was exacerbated because everyone had to make films using "automobiles" as a loose theme. I find it a little suspect that "automobiles" was considered the theme since in previous weeks we had genres like comedy, horror, action, and romantic comedy.
It almost feels like the sponsor forced this arrangement on the producers of the show. Maybe Ford is unhappy with the way the show has been performing in the ratings. Maybe this was planned all along. Either way, the result is the same. Fox has officially pimped "On The Lot" out to the auto industry. I hope they're proud. This week Andrew and Zach had the lowest vote totals and Andrew ended up getting kicked off the lot. Jason received the highest number of votes last week and as a prize got to work with Jerry O'Connell in his short. It seems really strange to implement something like this so late in the season, but whatever. I don't even ask questions anymore. I just blindly accept whatever they throw at me and roll with it. Next week's genre could be a combination of "Snuff Films" and "Straight to DVD Softcore." I wouldn't so much as flinch. Tonight's guest judge was Gary Ross director of Seabiscuit, Pleasantville, and Dave. We also gained the displeasure of having Garry Marshall's sister Penny replace him this week. I consider this a downgrade because Penny makes Garry's ramblings sound Shakespearean by comparison.
GEEK TALK
I guess you have two questions to ask yourself: 1) Do you want the same guy who brought us Happy Feet and Babe directing a Justice League of America film? or 2) Do you want the same guy who brought us the Mad Max trilogy directing a Justice League of America film? I guess it doesn't really matter since we're talking about the same guy here, and if folks like Latino Review are correct, you won't have any say in the decision either. Yup, their sources are saying that George Miller is the frontrunner to helm the Justice League film. It's an odd choice, I know, especially considering the fact that Miller has never worked on a comic-related film (to my knowledge), and that his last two films were animated kiddie flicks. Plus, the final installment in the Mad Max trilogy came out in 1985 (22 years ago for those keeping counting at home), so is this really the guy we want in charge of what could potentially be one of the coolest superhero flicks of all time? For the uneducated among us, The Justice League of America (or JLA) is a team comprised of all of our favorite DC superheroes, including Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Aquaman, etc... By all accounts, Warner Bros. is intent on making this a live action film, with talk that Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would possibly reprise their pre-existing roles as Batman and Superman for the flick. Last we heard, Kieran and Michele Mulroney were hired to write a script, and Warners was looking for a director. Is that director George Miller? We don't know for sure, but folks claim he's real close to signing on. When I first read the story, I immediately expected an announcement that the JLA movie would be animated, and not live action -- especially considering that Miller has been working in that realm for the past few years. Personally, and I've said this a number of times, the only way this film could truly work is if they did it in badass CGI -- kind of like the recent TMNT film. Get Bale and Routh to voice characters, and you're set. If the Batman and Superman franchises weren't already re-established, I'd say go for the live action. But the way it is now -- with audiences and fans already invested in the storylines playing out in those other films -- why mess with it? Just my two cents. What do you think?
CANNED LAUGHTER
A physician picked up his phone in the middle of the night to the frantic cries of one of his patients: “Doctor, you gotta help me! My 12-year old just swallowed a condom!,” the distraught father cried. The concerned MD grabbed his bag and headed for the door. As he turned the knob, the phone rang again, and the previously agitated parent said, “Never mind, we found another one!”
Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Wanna go ride bikes?
A man goes to the doctor for test results. The doctor says, “I have good news and bad. Which do you want first?” “Give me the good,” the man says. “They are going to name a disease after you.”
MOVIE BUZZ
Beowulf
If you're quick with the pause button, you can sit and stare at a naked Angelina Jolie in the film's new "international" trailer. Ooh-la-la! OK, it's just a CG-animated version, but that's better than no naked Angelina Jolie at all, right?
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
I suppose most people think the revealing news out of this Comic-Con video panel is that Karen Allen is back as Marion Ravenwood. What's more shocking? That creepy facial hair Shia LaBeouf has been sporting.
The Incredible Hulk
It might come as news to screenwriter Zak Penn, but Edward Norton told the folks at Comic-Con that he wrote the script himself. Man, that dude must have a big head. A big green one, actually.
Watchmen
At his own Comic-Con panel, Zack Snyder revealed the movie's official poster and promised he was going to make the first R-rated superhero movie, where the heroes will stand for "Truth, Justice and the American Way to Bludgeon, Maim and Massacre."
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The video is the first look at the titular prince in action. Wait a minute? Princes actually do stuff? I thought they just dated heiresses and wore inappropriate costumes to parties.
Maxim Movies
The magazine is going produce a trio of films, which they hope will stimulate intellectual discourse about the challenges men face in an increasingly diversified world. Nah, just kidding. The only place the three movies — Virginity Rocks, Mardi Gras and Fired Up — will be stimulating is below guys' belts.
The Dark Knight
Disappointingly, the first official teaser trailer doesn't show any footage and only contains snippets of dialogue by Christian Bale, Michael Cain and Heath Ledger. I could do a better job piecing the film together with news footage from Fox's Chicago affiliate.
Repo! The Genetic Opera
Paris Hilton is not only going to star in this horror musical, but she's going to sing in it, too. I guess that's one way to guarantee that audiences will be fleeing the theater in terror …
30 Days of Night
Note to the little girl vampire who tries to sink her teeth into Josh Hartnett in the exclusive clip after this very bloody age-restricted trailer: If Mommy won't let you watch your own scene, you can use my birthday (11-23-68) to sign in.
Resident Evil: Extinction
In another grotesque "red-band" trailer, not only does Milla Jovovich have to blow out the brains of the undead, she has to avoid being pecked to death by a flock of zombie crows. If they make another one of these, I think Milla should fight a zombie Flock of Seagulls. Hey, they already have the theme song: "I Ran."
Drillbit Taylor
In the trailer, Owen Wilson stars as a bodyguard who protects three teenage nerds from a bully. I didn't need anybody protecting me from being picked on in high school. I was so encrusted with zits, the bullies were too afraid to even get their fists near my face.
Ta-da, there you go, another entry of the Phile. Next week there won't be an update as I'll be in England, and I doubt I will be able to update from my cousins' house. Then the Thursday after I get back, in two weeks the Phile will be updated again. Remember, I want to hit 3000 views by Christmas Day. We can do it, folks. Spread the word, not the turd.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Lindsay Lohan Should Be Behind Bars
Oh, what I meant to say was Lindsay Lohan should be naked taking it from behind dancing on bars. Or something like that. Hello, Phans, I am back, this is the first real
entry done in our beautiful new house in the hills of Groveland, Florida. In the distance I could see the Citrus Tower, and an alligator filled lake across the street. We counted six alligators and that was just today. Disney announced that they’re banning smoking from all their movies. Which means they won’t be buying the scripts I wrote. I wrote a script for Disney called Smoke-ahontas. And another one, the follow-up, Cigarella. Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies; now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. To give you an idea of how fast summer has gone by, earlier today, Rosie O’Donnell reported to the Minnesota Vikings training camp. Not such a great time for England. They’ve had the worst flooding in 50 years. The water’s so high that Hogwarts was flooded and Harry Potter drowned. Soccer star David Beckham played his first soccer match on Saturday, as part of the L.A. soccer team. I think "played” is probably the wrong word. He was only on for 10 minutes. He was on for 10 minutes, took off his sweaty jockstrap, and went home. Exactly what I do here every Thurday night. Al Gore’s daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore’s no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting. Donald Trump is now selling his own line of chairs. These things are surprisingly comfortable. And I found out why: They’re upholstered with actual Donald Trump hair. Hairspray opened last week. In the movie, John Travolta plays a fat housewife named Edna Turnblad. They say John Travolta is so convincing as a fat woman, earlier today, he got a call from President Clinton. A Christian group that claims it can cure homosexuality is starting a program to help gay Broadway stars become straight. The program is called, "A Total Waste of Time.” Barry Bonds moved closer to breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record by hitting two homeruns in one game. Everybody could tell Barry Bonds was going to hit two homeruns in one game because he had an icepack on both ass cheeks. Paris Hilton recently said everyone in her family is so proud of her because she accomplished so much so young. Paris said, "For instance, I single-handedly created the great condom shortage of 2006.” Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75 percent of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little teamwork, I think we can do it by the year 2010! A couple getting married on Friday night said they’re going to leave their wedding reception early so they can be among the first people to buy the Harry Potter book. They’re leaving their wedding early. As a result, the back of the newlyweds’ car will have a sign that says, "Just Losers.” MTV has just announced they are creating a cartoon series starring Paris Hilton. Not surprisingly, in the cartoon, Paris uses SpongeBob as a contraceptive. Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted for organizing pitbull fights at his house, and he’s in a lot of trouble. He could do six years in prison. Whatever happens, the one thing they’ve decided, "Who Let the Dogs Out” is definitely off the play list.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Few other acts have caused more controversy than Milli Vanilli -- and the drama all began with a record skip. In 1989, the German duo was on top of the world with a No. 1 debut album and a Best New Artist Grammy. But the dreadlocked "singers," Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan, didn't actually sing a note on the album -- a fact that was revealed when the duo's backing track skipped during a performance on 1990's Club MTV Tour. They quickly became the world's most hated music act; fans publicly demolished their albums, and the duo was forced to return its Grammy.
R.I.P.
TAMMY FAYE MESSNER: Tammy Faye was cremated. Her makeup will be cremated in a separate ceremony later.
LADY BIRD JOHNSON: Yeah, I got a point on my death pool list!
TODAY IN HISTORY
1826
Schoolmaster Cayetano Ripoll is hanged in Valencia, after uttering his last words: "I die reconciled to God and to man." He is the last person executed by the Spanish Inquisition.
1947
The National Security Council is created.
1984
Serial killer and cannibal Ed Gein dies at the Mendota Mental Health Institute, a home for the criminally insane. Gein inspired the films Psycho and Silence of the Lambs.
1991
Actor Paul Reubens (aka "Pee-wee Herman") is arrested in Sarasota, Florida for jacking off twice with his left hand inside the South Trail XXX Cinema. It was screening the triple feature Catalina Five-O: Tiger Shark, Nancy Nurse, and Turn Up The Heat. Following his masturbatorial debut, Reubens loses his children's television show and product endorsements.
1998
Three spectators are killed by flying debris during the U.S. 500 race at Michigan Speedway. The debris resulted when the car driven by Adrian Fernandez impacted the wall of the raceway, flinging pieces of his suspension into the crowd. Tragically, Fernandez' knees are lightly bruised in the accident and he is unable to complete the race.
DOCTOR WHO
SMITH AND JONES: You can say what you like, but I won't be listening -- "Doctor Who" is one of the best, if not the best, television programmes of all time, and Russell T. Davies' current incarnation of the character and franchise is no exception. The return of series three was marked by several important milestones in the character's chronology (if a linear method of cataloging the Doctor's life can be described in traditional terms); the introduction of a new companion, the setup of plot and theme for the rest of the series, and the subtle hints at bigger things yet to come. If you thought Billie Piper was good as Rose Tyler, then Freema Agyeman as Martha Jones looks set to commit the memory of the Doctor's most recent companion to the distant past. Confident, intelligent and very beautiful; Agyeman captures the qualities necessary in a great companion and injects something new to the series in the shape of a female character fit for the Doctor's fanciful ways. Oh, and she even got to kiss him in one of her very early scenes. I don't think the plot of the opening episode was terribly significant, other than to introduce Martha to the backdrop of a London hospital being transported to the Moon while a bunch of intergalactic policemen searched for a renegade alien (a blood-sucking Plasmavore). As many viewers have already noted, the 'Vote Saxxon' posters which appeared all over the place in Torchwood have started showing up in "Doctor Who" (there was even a mention of Mr Saxxon on a radio news bulletin near the end of this episode). Mr Saxxon, is, of course, the politician character to be played by John Simm ("Life on Mars") in the finale to the current series. Rumors abound as to his true identity, The Master being a potential. Another significant development has set the rumour mill running, when the Doctor casually remarked when asked if he had a brother, replied: "not any more". I don't need to tell you that the Doctor helped to save the day, as ever -- but it's the way he does it which matters. And, as before, he persuaded Martha to join him on his never-ending journey through space in the TARDIS, with the now-immortal line "it also travels in time". THE SHAKESPEARE CODE: To be or not to be? That is the question. And so, the venerable Doctor and his new assistant Martha Jones arrived in London in the year 1599 to pay a visit to the Globe Theatre, where they would meet none other than Mr William Shakespeare. Of course, this was not the first time our hero had met The Bard, but it was certainly one of the most memorable.
The central theme this week focused on the so-called 'missing' Shakespeare play (entitled Love's Labour's Won in this episode), which formed part of the mystery for The Doctor and Martha to unwravel. The presence of three evil witches made the task all the more difficult, since their very existence -- and the future of their imprisoned species -- depended on play being read aloud in the specially-constructed Globe Theatre in order to release them from a sub-dimensional prison. Frightening in parts, witty and sharp (come on folks, it's Shakespeare -- who wouldn't have fun with it?) this was the perfect opportunity for Russell T. Davies and company to get us right back on the bandwagon and straight at the heart of the action. And, as I've said on numerous ocassions before, the best episodes of "Doctor Who" tend to be the ones set in the distant past. Certainly, they tend to be the episodes where the BBC excels; costumed drama, lavish sets and atention to detail. Where futuristic special effects often fail BBC dramas, the period piece often passes with flying colours, and Doctor Who can do both. It was interesting to notice the continuation of The Doctor's grief for the loss of Rose in this episode. Even though she isn't actually dead, it almost seems as if he has dipped into a dark phase of his existence, repeatedly comparing Martha's approach to a mystery to his former companion's in the way someone would with a departed loved one. I think this is going to come to a head at some point, as Martha grows tired of the comparisons. I have to say, I genuinely liked Rose. I liked Billie Piper too, but Freema Aygeman as Martha is a whole new ball game. She's witty, funny, strong and beautiful -- and if the writers are not careful, she could very quickly become the star of the show. Nah, scratch that last suggestion -- David Tennant is fast becoming one of the best Doctors in the history of the series, and it's going to be a tough task to follow up his take on the character, should he decide to leave. GRIDLOCK: It's still early stages in the new series of "Doctor Who", so it's understandable when the writers re-visit old story arcs, and introduce new viewers to old themes. It was like that this week, and whilst it wasn't a high-ranking episode in terms of story, it was still a good bit of fun. And, as with previous weeks in the recent series, when Martha learned something new about the enigmatic time-traveller, so did we. The most fascinating aspect of these recent episodes has had nothing to do with the plot, but the development of the Doctor's relationship with Martha, and the implications it could have on the future. In these early encounters, the Doctor merely appears to be showing off to Martha, demonstrating his ability to take her anywhere he chooses to fulfill her sense of wonder at the marvels of travelling in time and space.
This week, they jetted forward to New-New York, last seen in New Earth from the previous season. However, the city hadbeen transformed into a lower-level hell of flight-powered vehicles caught in a perpetual traffic jam, and when Martha was carjacked in order for two passengers to enter the so-called 'fast lane', the Doctor found himself in a race against time to rescue her. Key to this episode was The Face of Boe, and enigmatic giant head in a jar who has made appearances in previous episodes, with the promise of a secret to be revealed. It transpired that a virus had consumed the city many years before, and the Face of Boe had helped initiate a lock-down which protected as many of the citizens as possible in a make-believe underworld traffic jam, where they would drive for an eternity in the hope of reaching the real city. Having already lied to Martha about his home planet and his people still existing, the Doctor found himself with the much bigger task of not only rescuing his new assistant from almost certain death, but liberating the people of a lost city -- with the help of the Face. And before the Face died giving his last to free the people, he told the Doctor that he was not alone in the universe... Next week's episode promised the return of the Daleks (entitled Daleks in Manhattan), with a sneaky line from the Doctor to the effect of: "I lose everything, and they continue to survive."
NUTTED BY REALITY
I'm really surprised "On The Lot" has made it this long without getting yanked. My suspicion is Fox doesn't quite have the guts to cancel a show produced by the venerable Steven Spielberg, but they're covertly doing everything in their power to get this stinker off the air. Hence, the double eliminations for the last two weeks. By my calculations, if we continue cutting two people a week, we'll only be subjected to four or five more episodes tops. I think this may be the first time I've ever consistently watched a show on a weekly basis while simultaneously wanting it to die. Yup, this show is definitely an anomaly, but in the worst kind of way. Let's hope the world is never subjected to a show about the movie-making process ever again. It just doesn't seem to work.
MOVIE BUZZ
Family Guy
Seth MacFarlane says he wants to make a film version of his cult TV hit as long as it's not "the Griffins must save the world," an obvious dis to The Simpsons Movie. If guys from both the shows come to blows, they should tape their pinkies down so they only punch with four fingers.
Cloverfield
Shaky camera phone images and the studio registering the domain TheMonstrousMovie.com seem to suggest Monstrous may be the official title. Meanwhile, in this shaky set video, hordes of people are seen running in terror in downtown L.A. — either from an unseen monster, or Lindsay Lohan got behind the wheel of her SUV again.
TheDarjeeling Limited
In the trailer for Wes Anderson's latest quirkfest, Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody and Jason Schwartzman are estranged brothers who take a train ride across India so they can rebond with each other. What? Going to a strip club isn't good enough for them?
Y: The Last Man
Disturbia's director, D.J. Caruso, has just signed on to direct this comic-book adaptation about the last man on Earth, who's pursued by hostile women. If that were me, I know the perfect hiding spot: in a comic-book store.
John Hancock
The other week we got to see photos of Will Smith as a flying hobo; now here he is being suspended on wires in a leather superhero outfit. I hear he took home the S&M-looking getup and made Jada a very happy woman in the bedroom.
Spawn 2
Writer/artist Todd McFarlane says a sequel/reboot of his 1997 comic-book adaptation has been rejected by several studios, so he's going to produce it himself. Plus, he says the titular superhero won't speak in the film, nor will he ever appear wearing his costume. I plan on seeing this. Nobody will see me sitting in the theater, but I'll be there. I swear.
The Silver Surfer
The Surfer's solo has picked up a director: Alex Proyas, who previously directed the dark superhero flick The Crow. This is great, because after Tim Story's sitcom-y approach in the FF sequel, the silvery dude is in desperate need of a good tarnishing.
Major Movie Star
Steve Guttenberg will co-star in Jessica Simpson's upcoming comedy about a spoiled actress who impulsively joins the Army. So, in 20 years he's gone from starring as a boob in a police uniform to acting alongside a pair of them in fatigues.
The Shinjuku Incident
This drama about Chinese immigrants living in Tokyo will most likely be Jackie Chan's first stuntless film. In a show of solidarity, Jackie's Rush Hour 3 co-star Chris Tucker says he's not going to be funny in his next movie. To which Jackie replied, "Wait, you were trying to be funny before?"
The Hottest State
The trailer for Ethan Hawke's directorial debut, for which he wrote the script based on his own novel and stars as an estranged Texan father. As if that wasn't enough, Hawke also sewed all the costumes, built the sets and cooked upa mean plate of BBQ for the catering.
Elizabeth: The Golden Age
How does one ensure that a sequel to a stuffy period film from almost a decade ago does really well at the box office? Float a story on the Internet that its Academy Award-winning star Cate Blanchett appears nude, that's how!
MOVIE BUZZ REVIEWS
Transformers
Starring Shia LaBeouf, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, Anthony Anderson, Megan Fox, Rachael Taylor, John Turturro, Jon Voight. If, like the hosts of the Today show ( I just watched them interview a sort of sheepish, worn-out Duhamel), you don't know that the Autobots are the good robots and the Decepticons are the bad ones, then you are old. I mean, I'm old, too. I was living in England when the Transformers first came out. Anyway, they fight — these giant robots. They fight a lot. And it's AWESOME. You will leave smiling like you were seven years old and just managed to throw your toys off a very high place, watching them smash into pieces on the ground. Michael "The Touch" Bay, bless his narratively deranged soul, somehow knew that he would be forgiven for tampering somewhat with the "mythology" if he simply made sure that things were constantly exploding and that robots never stopped fighting. So that's what happens. In fact — and this isn't a spoiler — the last 30 to 40 minutes of this long, loud movie (it's almost two and half hours) is all special effects and action. Just battles and blowing stuff up. Headache-prone parents, take note. They want this power cube. It's not that important to know really. They were pretty much just born to fight. And that senselessness is also kind of brilliant, because the film is based on a line of Gen Y 1980s toys that had no agenda but to transform and battle. Storylines followed later. And in keeping with that '80s feeling, it's very Reagan-y — gung-ho about stuff like war and the military. It would be annoying if it were even remotely about real life. But it ain't. Nerds, rejoice — well, at least rejoice over this one thing: They got the original voice of Optimus Prime, Peter Cullen, to come back and do it again. And I just learned that he's also the voice of Eeyore, which is kind of funny.
What about the humans? What about them? Their job is to react to stuff that's not really there, which I'm sure is hard for an actor. But whatever. More robots fighting!
Live Free Or Die Hard
Starring Bruce Willis, Justin Long, Maggie Q, Timothy Olyphant. Attention-starved tech terrorists (led by Olyphant, doing an imperious, bug-eyed cartoon-villain face) decide to shut down the entire economic and security structures of the United States, causing chaos every time they hit "Enter" on their keyboards. Willis, however, doesn't know much about computers, so he prefers to stop them by crashing a flying car into a helicopter. What I love most about this, and movies that steal from it, is that plausibility is dispensed with early on, and there's never such thing as Too Much when it comes to piling on the threat or destroying property. It's like, "Oh, I'm dangling over a pit of molten metal? And you're shooting at me with a machine gun while I dangle? Well, check this out: I just happen to be dangling in the exact spot where the secret lever that releases liquid nitrogen lives! Now it is you who are doomed!" That's what I came to see, and that's what I got, and now I'm happy. (No, that example isn't actually in the movie.) One beef: It's a limit-pushing PG-13. And you can tell if you look carefully, because they clearly shot an R-rated and then chopped out all the bullets to the head and did some sloppy voice rerecording to clean up all the F-bombs. And in any other movie that wouldn't matter so much, but this is a Die Hard movie. You can only truly die hard when something is rated R. Worst of all — and this does, in fact, count as a spoiler — there's no "Yippee-ki-yay, motherf----r." He says it, and it gets bleeped with noise. HOW CAN YOU HAVE A DIE HARD MOVIE AND CUT OFF THAT CHARACTER-ESTABLISHING WORD? Like you needed more evidence of studio greed and soullessness, but there it is anyway. Now you can bring your four-year-old to see it. Any attempt to frame it in a political way will fail, because it stomps all over both sides of the fence. It's from Fox, but the government is made to look foolish. It treats Long's greasy-hacker-who's-seen-Manufacturing Consent like a dope because, you know, the terrorists really are living next door, and we're all going to die. Later on, FEMA and Katrina are referenced. It throws all sorts of little signs at you (flag-waving TV news channel WGWB pops up), and then runs away laughing, kind of daring you to make more out of it than it wants you to. That's because it's really only about things getting blown up and destroyed.
There you go, Phans, another entry of the Phile at long last. Now I have to get of the computer so Logan can play Webkins. Until next Thursday, spread the word, not the turd.
entry done in our beautiful new house in the hills of Groveland, Florida. In the distance I could see the Citrus Tower, and an alligator filled lake across the street. We counted six alligators and that was just today. Disney announced that they’re banning smoking from all their movies. Which means they won’t be buying the scripts I wrote. I wrote a script for Disney called Smoke-ahontas. And another one, the follow-up, Cigarella. Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies; now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. To give you an idea of how fast summer has gone by, earlier today, Rosie O’Donnell reported to the Minnesota Vikings training camp. Not such a great time for England. They’ve had the worst flooding in 50 years. The water’s so high that Hogwarts was flooded and Harry Potter drowned. Soccer star David Beckham played his first soccer match on Saturday, as part of the L.A. soccer team. I think "played” is probably the wrong word. He was only on for 10 minutes. He was on for 10 minutes, took off his sweaty jockstrap, and went home. Exactly what I do here every Thurday night. Al Gore’s daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore’s no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting. Donald Trump is now selling his own line of chairs. These things are surprisingly comfortable. And I found out why: They’re upholstered with actual Donald Trump hair. Hairspray opened last week. In the movie, John Travolta plays a fat housewife named Edna Turnblad. They say John Travolta is so convincing as a fat woman, earlier today, he got a call from President Clinton. A Christian group that claims it can cure homosexuality is starting a program to help gay Broadway stars become straight. The program is called, "A Total Waste of Time.” Barry Bonds moved closer to breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record by hitting two homeruns in one game. Everybody could tell Barry Bonds was going to hit two homeruns in one game because he had an icepack on both ass cheeks. Paris Hilton recently said everyone in her family is so proud of her because she accomplished so much so young. Paris said, "For instance, I single-handedly created the great condom shortage of 2006.” Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75 percent of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little teamwork, I think we can do it by the year 2010! A couple getting married on Friday night said they’re going to leave their wedding reception early so they can be among the first people to buy the Harry Potter book. They’re leaving their wedding early. As a result, the back of the newlyweds’ car will have a sign that says, "Just Losers.” MTV has just announced they are creating a cartoon series starring Paris Hilton. Not surprisingly, in the cartoon, Paris uses SpongeBob as a contraceptive. Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted for organizing pitbull fights at his house, and he’s in a lot of trouble. He could do six years in prison. Whatever happens, the one thing they’ve decided, "Who Let the Dogs Out” is definitely off the play list.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Few other acts have caused more controversy than Milli Vanilli -- and the drama all began with a record skip. In 1989, the German duo was on top of the world with a No. 1 debut album and a Best New Artist Grammy. But the dreadlocked "singers," Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan, didn't actually sing a note on the album -- a fact that was revealed when the duo's backing track skipped during a performance on 1990's Club MTV Tour. They quickly became the world's most hated music act; fans publicly demolished their albums, and the duo was forced to return its Grammy.
R.I.P.
TAMMY FAYE MESSNER: Tammy Faye was cremated. Her makeup will be cremated in a separate ceremony later.
LADY BIRD JOHNSON: Yeah, I got a point on my death pool list!
TODAY IN HISTORY
1826
Schoolmaster Cayetano Ripoll is hanged in Valencia, after uttering his last words: "I die reconciled to God and to man." He is the last person executed by the Spanish Inquisition.
1947
The National Security Council is created.
1984
Serial killer and cannibal Ed Gein dies at the Mendota Mental Health Institute, a home for the criminally insane. Gein inspired the films Psycho and Silence of the Lambs.
1991
Actor Paul Reubens (aka "Pee-wee Herman") is arrested in Sarasota, Florida for jacking off twice with his left hand inside the South Trail XXX Cinema. It was screening the triple feature Catalina Five-O: Tiger Shark, Nancy Nurse, and Turn Up The Heat. Following his masturbatorial debut, Reubens loses his children's television show and product endorsements.
1998
Three spectators are killed by flying debris during the U.S. 500 race at Michigan Speedway. The debris resulted when the car driven by Adrian Fernandez impacted the wall of the raceway, flinging pieces of his suspension into the crowd. Tragically, Fernandez' knees are lightly bruised in the accident and he is unable to complete the race.
DOCTOR WHO
SMITH AND JONES: You can say what you like, but I won't be listening -- "Doctor Who" is one of the best, if not the best, television programmes of all time, and Russell T. Davies' current incarnation of the character and franchise is no exception. The return of series three was marked by several important milestones in the character's chronology (if a linear method of cataloging the Doctor's life can be described in traditional terms); the introduction of a new companion, the setup of plot and theme for the rest of the series, and the subtle hints at bigger things yet to come. If you thought Billie Piper was good as Rose Tyler, then Freema Agyeman as Martha Jones looks set to commit the memory of the Doctor's most recent companion to the distant past. Confident, intelligent and very beautiful; Agyeman captures the qualities necessary in a great companion and injects something new to the series in the shape of a female character fit for the Doctor's fanciful ways. Oh, and she even got to kiss him in one of her very early scenes. I don't think the plot of the opening episode was terribly significant, other than to introduce Martha to the backdrop of a London hospital being transported to the Moon while a bunch of intergalactic policemen searched for a renegade alien (a blood-sucking Plasmavore). As many viewers have already noted, the 'Vote Saxxon' posters which appeared all over the place in Torchwood have started showing up in "Doctor Who" (there was even a mention of Mr Saxxon on a radio news bulletin near the end of this episode). Mr Saxxon, is, of course, the politician character to be played by John Simm ("Life on Mars") in the finale to the current series. Rumors abound as to his true identity, The Master being a potential. Another significant development has set the rumour mill running, when the Doctor casually remarked when asked if he had a brother, replied: "not any more". I don't need to tell you that the Doctor helped to save the day, as ever -- but it's the way he does it which matters. And, as before, he persuaded Martha to join him on his never-ending journey through space in the TARDIS, with the now-immortal line "it also travels in time". THE SHAKESPEARE CODE: To be or not to be? That is the question. And so, the venerable Doctor and his new assistant Martha Jones arrived in London in the year 1599 to pay a visit to the Globe Theatre, where they would meet none other than Mr William Shakespeare. Of course, this was not the first time our hero had met The Bard, but it was certainly one of the most memorable.
The central theme this week focused on the so-called 'missing' Shakespeare play (entitled Love's Labour's Won in this episode), which formed part of the mystery for The Doctor and Martha to unwravel. The presence of three evil witches made the task all the more difficult, since their very existence -- and the future of their imprisoned species -- depended on play being read aloud in the specially-constructed Globe Theatre in order to release them from a sub-dimensional prison. Frightening in parts, witty and sharp (come on folks, it's Shakespeare -- who wouldn't have fun with it?) this was the perfect opportunity for Russell T. Davies and company to get us right back on the bandwagon and straight at the heart of the action. And, as I've said on numerous ocassions before, the best episodes of "Doctor Who" tend to be the ones set in the distant past. Certainly, they tend to be the episodes where the BBC excels; costumed drama, lavish sets and atention to detail. Where futuristic special effects often fail BBC dramas, the period piece often passes with flying colours, and Doctor Who can do both. It was interesting to notice the continuation of The Doctor's grief for the loss of Rose in this episode. Even though she isn't actually dead, it almost seems as if he has dipped into a dark phase of his existence, repeatedly comparing Martha's approach to a mystery to his former companion's in the way someone would with a departed loved one. I think this is going to come to a head at some point, as Martha grows tired of the comparisons. I have to say, I genuinely liked Rose. I liked Billie Piper too, but Freema Aygeman as Martha is a whole new ball game. She's witty, funny, strong and beautiful -- and if the writers are not careful, she could very quickly become the star of the show. Nah, scratch that last suggestion -- David Tennant is fast becoming one of the best Doctors in the history of the series, and it's going to be a tough task to follow up his take on the character, should he decide to leave. GRIDLOCK: It's still early stages in the new series of "Doctor Who", so it's understandable when the writers re-visit old story arcs, and introduce new viewers to old themes. It was like that this week, and whilst it wasn't a high-ranking episode in terms of story, it was still a good bit of fun. And, as with previous weeks in the recent series, when Martha learned something new about the enigmatic time-traveller, so did we. The most fascinating aspect of these recent episodes has had nothing to do with the plot, but the development of the Doctor's relationship with Martha, and the implications it could have on the future. In these early encounters, the Doctor merely appears to be showing off to Martha, demonstrating his ability to take her anywhere he chooses to fulfill her sense of wonder at the marvels of travelling in time and space.
This week, they jetted forward to New-New York, last seen in New Earth from the previous season. However, the city hadbeen transformed into a lower-level hell of flight-powered vehicles caught in a perpetual traffic jam, and when Martha was carjacked in order for two passengers to enter the so-called 'fast lane', the Doctor found himself in a race against time to rescue her. Key to this episode was The Face of Boe, and enigmatic giant head in a jar who has made appearances in previous episodes, with the promise of a secret to be revealed. It transpired that a virus had consumed the city many years before, and the Face of Boe had helped initiate a lock-down which protected as many of the citizens as possible in a make-believe underworld traffic jam, where they would drive for an eternity in the hope of reaching the real city. Having already lied to Martha about his home planet and his people still existing, the Doctor found himself with the much bigger task of not only rescuing his new assistant from almost certain death, but liberating the people of a lost city -- with the help of the Face. And before the Face died giving his last to free the people, he told the Doctor that he was not alone in the universe... Next week's episode promised the return of the Daleks (entitled Daleks in Manhattan), with a sneaky line from the Doctor to the effect of: "I lose everything, and they continue to survive."
NUTTED BY REALITY
I'm really surprised "On The Lot" has made it this long without getting yanked. My suspicion is Fox doesn't quite have the guts to cancel a show produced by the venerable Steven Spielberg, but they're covertly doing everything in their power to get this stinker off the air. Hence, the double eliminations for the last two weeks. By my calculations, if we continue cutting two people a week, we'll only be subjected to four or five more episodes tops. I think this may be the first time I've ever consistently watched a show on a weekly basis while simultaneously wanting it to die. Yup, this show is definitely an anomaly, but in the worst kind of way. Let's hope the world is never subjected to a show about the movie-making process ever again. It just doesn't seem to work.
MOVIE BUZZ
Family Guy
Seth MacFarlane says he wants to make a film version of his cult TV hit as long as it's not "the Griffins must save the world," an obvious dis to The Simpsons Movie. If guys from both the shows come to blows, they should tape their pinkies down so they only punch with four fingers.
Cloverfield
Shaky camera phone images and the studio registering the domain TheMonstrousMovie.com seem to suggest Monstrous may be the official title. Meanwhile, in this shaky set video, hordes of people are seen running in terror in downtown L.A. — either from an unseen monster, or Lindsay Lohan got behind the wheel of her SUV again.
TheDarjeeling Limited
In the trailer for Wes Anderson's latest quirkfest, Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody and Jason Schwartzman are estranged brothers who take a train ride across India so they can rebond with each other. What? Going to a strip club isn't good enough for them?
Y: The Last Man
Disturbia's director, D.J. Caruso, has just signed on to direct this comic-book adaptation about the last man on Earth, who's pursued by hostile women. If that were me, I know the perfect hiding spot: in a comic-book store.
John Hancock
The other week we got to see photos of Will Smith as a flying hobo; now here he is being suspended on wires in a leather superhero outfit. I hear he took home the S&M-looking getup and made Jada a very happy woman in the bedroom.
Spawn 2
Writer/artist Todd McFarlane says a sequel/reboot of his 1997 comic-book adaptation has been rejected by several studios, so he's going to produce it himself. Plus, he says the titular superhero won't speak in the film, nor will he ever appear wearing his costume. I plan on seeing this. Nobody will see me sitting in the theater, but I'll be there. I swear.
The Silver Surfer
The Surfer's solo has picked up a director: Alex Proyas, who previously directed the dark superhero flick The Crow. This is great, because after Tim Story's sitcom-y approach in the FF sequel, the silvery dude is in desperate need of a good tarnishing.
Major Movie Star
Steve Guttenberg will co-star in Jessica Simpson's upcoming comedy about a spoiled actress who impulsively joins the Army. So, in 20 years he's gone from starring as a boob in a police uniform to acting alongside a pair of them in fatigues.
The Shinjuku Incident
This drama about Chinese immigrants living in Tokyo will most likely be Jackie Chan's first stuntless film. In a show of solidarity, Jackie's Rush Hour 3 co-star Chris Tucker says he's not going to be funny in his next movie. To which Jackie replied, "Wait, you were trying to be funny before?"
The Hottest State
The trailer for Ethan Hawke's directorial debut, for which he wrote the script based on his own novel and stars as an estranged Texan father. As if that wasn't enough, Hawke also sewed all the costumes, built the sets and cooked upa mean plate of BBQ for the catering.
Elizabeth: The Golden Age
How does one ensure that a sequel to a stuffy period film from almost a decade ago does really well at the box office? Float a story on the Internet that its Academy Award-winning star Cate Blanchett appears nude, that's how!
MOVIE BUZZ REVIEWS
Transformers
Starring Shia LaBeouf, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, Anthony Anderson, Megan Fox, Rachael Taylor, John Turturro, Jon Voight. If, like the hosts of the Today show ( I just watched them interview a sort of sheepish, worn-out Duhamel), you don't know that the Autobots are the good robots and the Decepticons are the bad ones, then you are old. I mean, I'm old, too. I was living in England when the Transformers first came out. Anyway, they fight — these giant robots. They fight a lot. And it's AWESOME. You will leave smiling like you were seven years old and just managed to throw your toys off a very high place, watching them smash into pieces on the ground. Michael "The Touch" Bay, bless his narratively deranged soul, somehow knew that he would be forgiven for tampering somewhat with the "mythology" if he simply made sure that things were constantly exploding and that robots never stopped fighting. So that's what happens. In fact — and this isn't a spoiler — the last 30 to 40 minutes of this long, loud movie (it's almost two and half hours) is all special effects and action. Just battles and blowing stuff up. Headache-prone parents, take note. They want this power cube. It's not that important to know really. They were pretty much just born to fight. And that senselessness is also kind of brilliant, because the film is based on a line of Gen Y 1980s toys that had no agenda but to transform and battle. Storylines followed later. And in keeping with that '80s feeling, it's very Reagan-y — gung-ho about stuff like war and the military. It would be annoying if it were even remotely about real life. But it ain't. Nerds, rejoice — well, at least rejoice over this one thing: They got the original voice of Optimus Prime, Peter Cullen, to come back and do it again. And I just learned that he's also the voice of Eeyore, which is kind of funny.
What about the humans? What about them? Their job is to react to stuff that's not really there, which I'm sure is hard for an actor. But whatever. More robots fighting!
Live Free Or Die Hard
Starring Bruce Willis, Justin Long, Maggie Q, Timothy Olyphant. Attention-starved tech terrorists (led by Olyphant, doing an imperious, bug-eyed cartoon-villain face) decide to shut down the entire economic and security structures of the United States, causing chaos every time they hit "Enter" on their keyboards. Willis, however, doesn't know much about computers, so he prefers to stop them by crashing a flying car into a helicopter. What I love most about this, and movies that steal from it, is that plausibility is dispensed with early on, and there's never such thing as Too Much when it comes to piling on the threat or destroying property. It's like, "Oh, I'm dangling over a pit of molten metal? And you're shooting at me with a machine gun while I dangle? Well, check this out: I just happen to be dangling in the exact spot where the secret lever that releases liquid nitrogen lives! Now it is you who are doomed!" That's what I came to see, and that's what I got, and now I'm happy. (No, that example isn't actually in the movie.) One beef: It's a limit-pushing PG-13. And you can tell if you look carefully, because they clearly shot an R-rated and then chopped out all the bullets to the head and did some sloppy voice rerecording to clean up all the F-bombs. And in any other movie that wouldn't matter so much, but this is a Die Hard movie. You can only truly die hard when something is rated R. Worst of all — and this does, in fact, count as a spoiler — there's no "Yippee-ki-yay, motherf----r." He says it, and it gets bleeped with noise. HOW CAN YOU HAVE A DIE HARD MOVIE AND CUT OFF THAT CHARACTER-ESTABLISHING WORD? Like you needed more evidence of studio greed and soullessness, but there it is anyway. Now you can bring your four-year-old to see it. Any attempt to frame it in a political way will fail, because it stomps all over both sides of the fence. It's from Fox, but the government is made to look foolish. It treats Long's greasy-hacker-who's-seen-Manufacturing Consent like a dope because, you know, the terrorists really are living next door, and we're all going to die. Later on, FEMA and Katrina are referenced. It throws all sorts of little signs at you (flag-waving TV news channel WGWB pops up), and then runs away laughing, kind of daring you to make more out of it than it wants you to. That's because it's really only about things getting blown up and destroyed.
There you go, Phans, another entry of the Phile at long last. Now I have to get of the computer so Logan can play Webkins. Until next Thursday, spread the word, not the turd.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Something Short
Hello, and welcome to the Phile. I have tons of stuff to catch up on, as there was no entry last week 'cause our move.
A few episodes of "On the Lot" to report, as well as "Big Brother" and "Doctor Who".
Then there's jokes, and Movie Buzz news, and a shit load of other stuff.
But, my office is not done yet, and I am typing this on the floor, indian style. It takes me a minimum of three hours to write the Phile, and I cannot sit like this all that time.
If I did, I would be stuck. I am not as young as I used to be. Hopefully by next Thursday my office will be done, and the desk will be made.
I will let you know when, okay? Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Jason
A few episodes of "On the Lot" to report, as well as "Big Brother" and "Doctor Who".
Then there's jokes, and Movie Buzz news, and a shit load of other stuff.
But, my office is not done yet, and I am typing this on the floor, indian style. It takes me a minimum of three hours to write the Phile, and I cannot sit like this all that time.
If I did, I would be stuck. I am not as young as I used to be. Hopefully by next Thursday my office will be done, and the desk will be made.
I will let you know when, okay? Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Jason
Thursday, July 5, 2007
I'd Rather Lick Chocolate Off Kelly Clarkson's Ass
Hello, there, kids, welcome to the Phile, the internet's most updated blog. I am your host, Slackformer. So, yesterday was Independence Day and I read the Declaration of Independence at the morning meeting at work yesterday. It was kinda ironic having a Brit reading it, you know. It would of been more ironic if a gay black Jew read it. Hot today in Minneola. Tell me if you don’t think this is odd: The UPS guy, today, asked me if I’d put sun lotion on his legs. It’s been a crazy week. Paris Hilton went on "Larry King.” Out of habit, Larry asked her for a divorce. Paris says she’s never going to drink and drive again. That’ll be something to see — Paris all tipsy riding the bus. Paris said she hated prison. There’s some insight. She said she had to eat mystery meat. I think I’ve actually seen video of her doing that. The iPhone came out this week. People were camping out all night in front of the store. These people are pathetic, really . . . oh come on — get a life. Especially the people behind me in line. They were noisy. Two movies opened this week, the cartoon Ratatouille, and Michael Moore’s Sicko. Two very different movies: One is about a big rat who’s obsessed with food, always getting into trouble, and the other one is Ratatouille. Another presidential debate. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November.
Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, D.C. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the community. He’s against it. Donald Rumsfeld back in the news. He’s writing a book about his experiences as secretary of Defense. Apparently, he has no problem starting a book, he just has no idea how to end the damn thing. The Spice Girls are getting back together! That’s great! Your enthusiasm is also phony! Big Foot is on the loose. A group of scientists say they’ve seen Big Foot in rural Michigan. They’re launching an expedition to go and find him. I mean no disrespect, but if you’re looking, in Michigan, for a giant person covered in thick hair, you’re going to have to be more specific. It could just be a Lions fan!
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Michael Jackson's career became too hot to handle on Jan. 27, 1984, when the superstar's hair caught fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial. During the sixth take of the now-infamous ad, Jacko was doused with a shower of pyrotechnic sparks, setting his hair ablaze. Jackson was taken to hospital where he was treated for second degree burns.
R.I.P.
Bill Pinkney: How many Drifters are there? 100? Well, now there's 99...
Will Schaefer: Wrote music for TV shows including "The Flintstones" and "I Dream of Jeannie". Reworked "It's a Small World" for the Disney ride (isn't there a circle in Hell reserved for people who do stuff like that?).
David Ritcheson: He found out he was surrounded by seamen.
Beverly Sills: Down and Out is Beverly Sills.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1946
Louis Reard's latest swimsuit creation, the two-piece Bikini, goes on sale in Paris.
1948
The body of 29-year-old actress Carole Landis is discovered in her home in Brentwood Heights, California. Landis, whose film career had recently stalled, overdosed on Seconal and left behind a suicide note addressed to her mother.
1963
The Catholic Church finally sanctions cremation as an acceptable means of remains disposal. (Code of Canon Law, Can. 1176)
1984
In deciding United States v. Leon, the Supreme Court permits "good faith" exceptions the exclusionary rule. Illegal evidence is now admissible if obtained by the police in "good faith." Justice William Brennan writes, "The Court's victory over the Fourth Amendment is complete."
ASK PEVERETT
Go ahead. Ask me. You need advice? You need a hot stock tip? You just want to get in my head? Just ask. I'll give you an answer. I'm like one of those weird 8-ball floaty things.
Jason, did I miss the memo stating turn signals are now optional ? What the fuck is with people these days ? I just LOVE getting stuck behind some jerk off who couldn't tell me he was going to turn so I could go around him. And I SO enjoy getting stuck at an intersection where I dont want to make my turn thinking I'd get hit if I go out to far from some dickless mo-fo who couldnt tell everybody else he was turning and now I have to wait for traffic to clear coming both ways.
I think you and I BOTH missed that memo. There's nothing worse than sitting at an intersection waiting for some useless prick to figure out where the hell they want to go. Right? Left? Straight? Give me a fucking clue or you may end up with the shiny side down, if you know what I mean.
NUTTED BY REALITY
On "On the Lot" Adriana and Garry Marshall immediately let us know that David and his terrible sexual comedy were going home this week. Good riddance. I'm giving up on trying to make suggestions on ways to improve this stinker. Let's just get right to the movies. This week's guest judge was Eli Roth, writer and director of gorefests such as Cabin Fever and the Hostel movies.
GEEK TALK
In order for a live action Justice League movie to work, Superman and Batman would have to be included. And in order for fans to truly buy the flick, Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would need to fill those shoes. Not just because they're the best men for the job, but because that's who's currently playing the characters in other movies. But here's the big question: Would both men be interested in taking on the role in a different film, written by different people and directed, I assume, by someone who's not currently attached to either franchise? Well Brandon Routh already answered that question -- he'd be down. And seeing as Hollywood casting agencies aren't banging on his door, I imagine Routh would be game for just about anything Superman related at this point. But what about Bale? He's obviously a much more sought-after actor -- who's also probably contracted for a certain amount of films (3?) -- so would he be down with a crossover flick? IGN attempted to ask Bale that question while he was out promoting Rescue Dawn, his latest film. His answer: "It's like I was saying to Chris [Nolan] -- I'll be probably doing this in dinner theater somewhere in my 50s, so I won't knock it. Because who knows where I'll end up?" Great, thanks for the unbelievably vague answer Christian! I guess if you're in favor of a Justice League movie, then Bale's optimism should make you feel a tad more comfortable about his participation. Then again, if they're planning to shoot a JLA flick next year, will that automatically delay work on a third Batman film? And if Bale is contracted for three films, will he do what will essentially be his fourth Batman-related flick with Nolan?
To answer that question, Bale recently told the "Star Ledger" that he would be interested in reprising the character for a third film with Nolan. He says: "The script leaves room for a very interesting follow-up, too. I think we could take it somewhere else." Hmm, does that mean Nolan will end with Harvey Dent being splashed with acid? Will he tease his Two Face transformation? Is that what Bale was alluding to? As far as when we'll see some actual footage from the current flick, The Dark Knight, Dark Horizons reports Warner Bros. has confirmed that no Dark Knight footage will be shown later this month at ComicCon, as previously rumored. Why? Well, there's simply not enough done yet. However, they do report that Wizard World Chicago -- taking place just a few weeks later -- might be previewing something. So stay tuned, we'll let you know what we hear.
MOVIE BUZZ
The Avengers
Screenwriter Zak Penn says he needs to take "a break" from his other superhero movie project (The Incredible Hulk) before he begins tackling this one.
Captain America
Marvel Studios President of Production Kevin Feige says he's got a writer working on the script, is also looking for a director and hopes to get production going within the next year.
Constantine 2
After saying for years he'd never do another sequel, Keanu Reeves suddenly seemed open to the idea late last year. Rachel Weisz and Shia LaBeouf are set to co-star — however, there hasn't been any official announcement of the film actually going into production.
The Dark Knight
Christian Bale is back, Maggie Gyllenhaal is the new Katie Holmes, Aaron Eckhart is Two-Face — and Heath Ledger may just be the creepiest Joker ever! Director Christopher Nolan can rest assured that his Batman Begins resurrection is a success.
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Hot off of one of the most acclaimed films of 2006, Pan's Labyrinth, director Guillermo del Toro is expected to bring in an over-the-top action/fantasy adventure that's sure to top his more modest original.
The Incredible Hulk
Edward Norton seems like an odd choice to take over the lead in a sequel, but the key to the Hulk's enduring success is his tortured human side, tortured being something Norton's really good at playing. Other casting notes: Liv Tyler as love interest Betty Brant, Tim Roth as gamma-ified enemy the Abomination and William Hurt as General Thunderbolt Ross.
Iron Man
Though based on only a third-tier Marvel superhero at best, this film has garnered huge buzz and speculation thanks to its A-list cast and former Swingers leading man turned director Jon Favreau.
Justice League
Reportedly, the first draft of the script by husband/wife writing team Kieran and Michele Mulroney is so strong that Warner Bros. is already looking for a director. It's also unknown that with The Man of Steel, The Dark Knight and Wonder Woman still quite a ways from showing up on the big screen if DC's three biggest heroes would even show up in this team-up movie.
Magneto
Since this will be a tale of a young master of magnetism, it's unknown if Sir Ian McKellen will appear at all. Plus, this will probably go into production after the Wolverine spinoff (more on that later). So, it's probably quite a few years off.
Shazam!
Still in the early planning stages, a rumor of Jake Gyllenhaal taking the lead turned out to be just that. Writer John August (Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) has claimed to want to be faithful to the old source material, but that might be tricky, since the good Captain, who made his debut in 1939, was such an obvious rip-off of Superman.
The Silver Surfer
Fox is already so gung-ho on this supporting character — and with an impressive $57 mil. opening weekend, who wouldn't be? — that they've commissioned a script for a solo film by cult TV ("Babylon 5") and comic (The Amazing Spider-Man) writer J. Michael Straczynski.
Sin City 2
Allegedly waiting for Angelina Jolie's schedule to open up caused delays in this project's production. Whether that's true or not, Rachel Weisz is now rumored to have taken over Jolie's role. Johnny Depp is also rumored to be joining up.
Spider-Man 4
The principles involved with the first three films — Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and director Sam Raimi — are all being coy: They'll only make another sequel if they all come back for it. (Read: Will Sony cough up the cash for all of them again?) Rumors of Jake Gyllenhaal taking over from Maguire abound, but that guy's rumored for just about every future superhero movie.
The Spirit
Frank Miller (again!) makes his directing debut with this update of the classic comic character created by Will Eisner. His first choice to play super-villain Octopus? Bad mo'fo Samuel L. Jackson.
Superman: The Man of Steel
Although Superman Returns was generally considered a letdown, director Bryan Singer claims the sequel will have much more action. Rumors abound that Orlando Bloom will have a role, possibly that of General Zod from the original Superman II.
Super Max
David Goyer (Blade: Trinity, The Invisible) is attached to direct; no screenplay yet.
Teen Titans
Already an animated hit on Cartoon Network, the Titans go live action with movie/TV/comic writer Mark Verheiden (The Mask) already working on the script.
Thor
With the release of Stardust still looming on the horizon, director Matthew Vaughn is already angling for his next comics-to-film project.
The Watchmen
Widely considered the greatest superhero graphic novel ever written, Watchmen has had a rocky road to the movies. Terry Gilliam (The Brothers Grimm) and Paul Greengrass (United 93) were both given green, then red, lights for the project at different times, but after 300 became a phenomenon, Zack Snyder became the obvious choice to helm. Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie and Chris Evans are signed on to star.
Wolverine
Marvel producers say this will be the next "official" picture in the X-Men franchise, rather than another sequel with multiple mutants. Hugh Jackman is back, of course, and both Tyler Mane and Vinnie Jones insist they will return as villains (Sabretooth and Juggernaut respectively), but that's probably just both of them lobbying for acting gigs.
Wonder Woman
Despite working on a script for years, Joss Whedon famously walked off the project earlier this year, citing creative differences with producer Joel Silver. No new writer and/or director has been announced yet, and just about every hot young actress in Hollywood has claimed to want the starring part.
And now for the review of Ratatouille. Featuring the voices of Patton Oswalt, Peter O' Toole, Janeane Garofalo, Brad Garrett, Will Arnett. A fastidiously clean French rat who loves to cook turns a newbie chef into his own personal marionette (sitting under the kid's tall white hat, he magically controls the secretly awful cook's hands by yanking on locks of hair … look, it's a cartoon; you just accept that this can happen) and turns around the fortunes of a formerly fancy restaurant while simultaneously thwarting the greedy goals of a hack chef whose evil agenda is to make a lot of money off a line of frozen foods. I'm really hoping this makes a ton of money and sparks a trend of mainstream animated features that rely more on plot and character than on by-the-numbers cartoonisms, because it's that different from what you've seen before in a movie that's ostensibly aimed at kids. Not that it's not fast-paced and kid-friendly. But it's also so fantastically strong that there are entire sequences where going for the easy laugh or the quick plot turn is something you could tell was just not on the minds of the filmmakers. You notice stuff like that when you've had to sit through crap like Surf's Up. The pots and pans looked real. In fact, just about every object in the kitchen scenes is almost mind-trickingly, photographically true. And yet still cartoony, if that makes sense. Like to the point where I was imagining it also being made as a live-action feature by Jeunet and Caro (City of Lost Children, Amélie). Very little kids might get restless. At the screening I went to, there were, as usual, hordes of screaming children. The under-fours seemed a little noncomprehending. But then again, that could have been a result of the 110-minute running time. And Wolfgang Puck should be offended, although his frozen pizza is not so horrible. That canned soup of his, though, is pretty gross. From one to 10, it gets a 9.
Whew! There you have it, another entry of the Phile. Now, here's the sitch, and no crying. The Phile won't be updated next week as we will be in the middle of getting our new house situated. But the Phile will be back the week after that. In the meantime, go to P.F. Chang's for some lettuce wraps and spread the word, not the turd. Later.
Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, D.C. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the community. He’s against it. Donald Rumsfeld back in the news. He’s writing a book about his experiences as secretary of Defense. Apparently, he has no problem starting a book, he just has no idea how to end the damn thing. The Spice Girls are getting back together! That’s great! Your enthusiasm is also phony! Big Foot is on the loose. A group of scientists say they’ve seen Big Foot in rural Michigan. They’re launching an expedition to go and find him. I mean no disrespect, but if you’re looking, in Michigan, for a giant person covered in thick hair, you’re going to have to be more specific. It could just be a Lions fan!
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Michael Jackson's career became too hot to handle on Jan. 27, 1984, when the superstar's hair caught fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial. During the sixth take of the now-infamous ad, Jacko was doused with a shower of pyrotechnic sparks, setting his hair ablaze. Jackson was taken to hospital where he was treated for second degree burns.
R.I.P.
Bill Pinkney: How many Drifters are there? 100? Well, now there's 99...
Will Schaefer: Wrote music for TV shows including "The Flintstones" and "I Dream of Jeannie". Reworked "It's a Small World" for the Disney ride (isn't there a circle in Hell reserved for people who do stuff like that?).
David Ritcheson: He found out he was surrounded by seamen.
Beverly Sills: Down and Out is Beverly Sills.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1946
Louis Reard's latest swimsuit creation, the two-piece Bikini, goes on sale in Paris.
1948
The body of 29-year-old actress Carole Landis is discovered in her home in Brentwood Heights, California. Landis, whose film career had recently stalled, overdosed on Seconal and left behind a suicide note addressed to her mother.
1963
The Catholic Church finally sanctions cremation as an acceptable means of remains disposal. (Code of Canon Law, Can. 1176)
1984
In deciding United States v. Leon, the Supreme Court permits "good faith" exceptions the exclusionary rule. Illegal evidence is now admissible if obtained by the police in "good faith." Justice William Brennan writes, "The Court's victory over the Fourth Amendment is complete."
ASK PEVERETT
Go ahead. Ask me. You need advice? You need a hot stock tip? You just want to get in my head? Just ask. I'll give you an answer. I'm like one of those weird 8-ball floaty things.
Jason, did I miss the memo stating turn signals are now optional ? What the fuck is with people these days ? I just LOVE getting stuck behind some jerk off who couldn't tell me he was going to turn so I could go around him. And I SO enjoy getting stuck at an intersection where I dont want to make my turn thinking I'd get hit if I go out to far from some dickless mo-fo who couldnt tell everybody else he was turning and now I have to wait for traffic to clear coming both ways.
I think you and I BOTH missed that memo. There's nothing worse than sitting at an intersection waiting for some useless prick to figure out where the hell they want to go. Right? Left? Straight? Give me a fucking clue or you may end up with the shiny side down, if you know what I mean.
NUTTED BY REALITY
On "On the Lot" Adriana and Garry Marshall immediately let us know that David and his terrible sexual comedy were going home this week. Good riddance. I'm giving up on trying to make suggestions on ways to improve this stinker. Let's just get right to the movies. This week's guest judge was Eli Roth, writer and director of gorefests such as Cabin Fever and the Hostel movies.
GEEK TALK
In order for a live action Justice League movie to work, Superman and Batman would have to be included. And in order for fans to truly buy the flick, Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would need to fill those shoes. Not just because they're the best men for the job, but because that's who's currently playing the characters in other movies. But here's the big question: Would both men be interested in taking on the role in a different film, written by different people and directed, I assume, by someone who's not currently attached to either franchise? Well Brandon Routh already answered that question -- he'd be down. And seeing as Hollywood casting agencies aren't banging on his door, I imagine Routh would be game for just about anything Superman related at this point. But what about Bale? He's obviously a much more sought-after actor -- who's also probably contracted for a certain amount of films (3?) -- so would he be down with a crossover flick? IGN attempted to ask Bale that question while he was out promoting Rescue Dawn, his latest film. His answer: "It's like I was saying to Chris [Nolan] -- I'll be probably doing this in dinner theater somewhere in my 50s, so I won't knock it. Because who knows where I'll end up?" Great, thanks for the unbelievably vague answer Christian! I guess if you're in favor of a Justice League movie, then Bale's optimism should make you feel a tad more comfortable about his participation. Then again, if they're planning to shoot a JLA flick next year, will that automatically delay work on a third Batman film? And if Bale is contracted for three films, will he do what will essentially be his fourth Batman-related flick with Nolan?
To answer that question, Bale recently told the "Star Ledger" that he would be interested in reprising the character for a third film with Nolan. He says: "The script leaves room for a very interesting follow-up, too. I think we could take it somewhere else." Hmm, does that mean Nolan will end with Harvey Dent being splashed with acid? Will he tease his Two Face transformation? Is that what Bale was alluding to? As far as when we'll see some actual footage from the current flick, The Dark Knight, Dark Horizons reports Warner Bros. has confirmed that no Dark Knight footage will be shown later this month at ComicCon, as previously rumored. Why? Well, there's simply not enough done yet. However, they do report that Wizard World Chicago -- taking place just a few weeks later -- might be previewing something. So stay tuned, we'll let you know what we hear.
MOVIE BUZZ
The Avengers
Screenwriter Zak Penn says he needs to take "a break" from his other superhero movie project (The Incredible Hulk) before he begins tackling this one.
Captain America
Marvel Studios President of Production Kevin Feige says he's got a writer working on the script, is also looking for a director and hopes to get production going within the next year.
Constantine 2
After saying for years he'd never do another sequel, Keanu Reeves suddenly seemed open to the idea late last year. Rachel Weisz and Shia LaBeouf are set to co-star — however, there hasn't been any official announcement of the film actually going into production.
The Dark Knight
Christian Bale is back, Maggie Gyllenhaal is the new Katie Holmes, Aaron Eckhart is Two-Face — and Heath Ledger may just be the creepiest Joker ever! Director Christopher Nolan can rest assured that his Batman Begins resurrection is a success.
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Hot off of one of the most acclaimed films of 2006, Pan's Labyrinth, director Guillermo del Toro is expected to bring in an over-the-top action/fantasy adventure that's sure to top his more modest original.
The Incredible Hulk
Edward Norton seems like an odd choice to take over the lead in a sequel, but the key to the Hulk's enduring success is his tortured human side, tortured being something Norton's really good at playing. Other casting notes: Liv Tyler as love interest Betty Brant, Tim Roth as gamma-ified enemy the Abomination and William Hurt as General Thunderbolt Ross.
Iron Man
Though based on only a third-tier Marvel superhero at best, this film has garnered huge buzz and speculation thanks to its A-list cast and former Swingers leading man turned director Jon Favreau.
Justice League
Reportedly, the first draft of the script by husband/wife writing team Kieran and Michele Mulroney is so strong that Warner Bros. is already looking for a director. It's also unknown that with The Man of Steel, The Dark Knight and Wonder Woman still quite a ways from showing up on the big screen if DC's three biggest heroes would even show up in this team-up movie.
Magneto
Since this will be a tale of a young master of magnetism, it's unknown if Sir Ian McKellen will appear at all. Plus, this will probably go into production after the Wolverine spinoff (more on that later). So, it's probably quite a few years off.
Shazam!
Still in the early planning stages, a rumor of Jake Gyllenhaal taking the lead turned out to be just that. Writer John August (Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) has claimed to want to be faithful to the old source material, but that might be tricky, since the good Captain, who made his debut in 1939, was such an obvious rip-off of Superman.
The Silver Surfer
Fox is already so gung-ho on this supporting character — and with an impressive $57 mil. opening weekend, who wouldn't be? — that they've commissioned a script for a solo film by cult TV ("Babylon 5") and comic (The Amazing Spider-Man) writer J. Michael Straczynski.
Sin City 2
Allegedly waiting for Angelina Jolie's schedule to open up caused delays in this project's production. Whether that's true or not, Rachel Weisz is now rumored to have taken over Jolie's role. Johnny Depp is also rumored to be joining up.
Spider-Man 4
The principles involved with the first three films — Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and director Sam Raimi — are all being coy: They'll only make another sequel if they all come back for it. (Read: Will Sony cough up the cash for all of them again?) Rumors of Jake Gyllenhaal taking over from Maguire abound, but that guy's rumored for just about every future superhero movie.
The Spirit
Frank Miller (again!) makes his directing debut with this update of the classic comic character created by Will Eisner. His first choice to play super-villain Octopus? Bad mo'fo Samuel L. Jackson.
Superman: The Man of Steel
Although Superman Returns was generally considered a letdown, director Bryan Singer claims the sequel will have much more action. Rumors abound that Orlando Bloom will have a role, possibly that of General Zod from the original Superman II.
Super Max
David Goyer (Blade: Trinity, The Invisible) is attached to direct; no screenplay yet.
Teen Titans
Already an animated hit on Cartoon Network, the Titans go live action with movie/TV/comic writer Mark Verheiden (The Mask) already working on the script.
Thor
With the release of Stardust still looming on the horizon, director Matthew Vaughn is already angling for his next comics-to-film project.
The Watchmen
Widely considered the greatest superhero graphic novel ever written, Watchmen has had a rocky road to the movies. Terry Gilliam (The Brothers Grimm) and Paul Greengrass (United 93) were both given green, then red, lights for the project at different times, but after 300 became a phenomenon, Zack Snyder became the obvious choice to helm. Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie and Chris Evans are signed on to star.
Wolverine
Marvel producers say this will be the next "official" picture in the X-Men franchise, rather than another sequel with multiple mutants. Hugh Jackman is back, of course, and both Tyler Mane and Vinnie Jones insist they will return as villains (Sabretooth and Juggernaut respectively), but that's probably just both of them lobbying for acting gigs.
Wonder Woman
Despite working on a script for years, Joss Whedon famously walked off the project earlier this year, citing creative differences with producer Joel Silver. No new writer and/or director has been announced yet, and just about every hot young actress in Hollywood has claimed to want the starring part.
And now for the review of Ratatouille. Featuring the voices of Patton Oswalt, Peter O' Toole, Janeane Garofalo, Brad Garrett, Will Arnett. A fastidiously clean French rat who loves to cook turns a newbie chef into his own personal marionette (sitting under the kid's tall white hat, he magically controls the secretly awful cook's hands by yanking on locks of hair … look, it's a cartoon; you just accept that this can happen) and turns around the fortunes of a formerly fancy restaurant while simultaneously thwarting the greedy goals of a hack chef whose evil agenda is to make a lot of money off a line of frozen foods. I'm really hoping this makes a ton of money and sparks a trend of mainstream animated features that rely more on plot and character than on by-the-numbers cartoonisms, because it's that different from what you've seen before in a movie that's ostensibly aimed at kids. Not that it's not fast-paced and kid-friendly. But it's also so fantastically strong that there are entire sequences where going for the easy laugh or the quick plot turn is something you could tell was just not on the minds of the filmmakers. You notice stuff like that when you've had to sit through crap like Surf's Up. The pots and pans looked real. In fact, just about every object in the kitchen scenes is almost mind-trickingly, photographically true. And yet still cartoony, if that makes sense. Like to the point where I was imagining it also being made as a live-action feature by Jeunet and Caro (City of Lost Children, Amélie). Very little kids might get restless. At the screening I went to, there were, as usual, hordes of screaming children. The under-fours seemed a little noncomprehending. But then again, that could have been a result of the 110-minute running time. And Wolfgang Puck should be offended, although his frozen pizza is not so horrible. That canned soup of his, though, is pretty gross. From one to 10, it gets a 9.
Whew! There you have it, another entry of the Phile. Now, here's the sitch, and no crying. The Phile won't be updated next week as we will be in the middle of getting our new house situated. But the Phile will be back the week after that. In the meantime, go to P.F. Chang's for some lettuce wraps and spread the word, not the turd. Later.
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