Thursday, July 5, 2007

I'd Rather Lick Chocolate Off Kelly Clarkson's Ass

Hello, there, kids, welcome to the Phile, the internet's most updated blog. I am your host, Slackformer. So, yesterday was Independence Day and I read the Declaration of Independence at the morning meeting at work yesterday. It was kinda ironic having a Brit reading it, you know. It would of been more ironic if a gay black Jew read it. Hot today in Minneola. Tell me if you don’t think this is odd: The UPS guy, today, asked me if I’d put sun lotion on his legs. It’s been a crazy week. Paris Hilton went on "Larry King.” Out of habit, Larry asked her for a divorce. Paris says she’s never going to drink and drive again. That’ll be something to see — Paris all tipsy riding the bus. Paris said she hated prison. There’s some insight. She said she had to eat mystery meat. I think I’ve actually seen video of her doing that. The iPhone came out this week. People were camping out all night in front of the store. These people are pathetic, really . . . oh come on — get a life. Especially the people behind me in line. They were noisy. Two movies opened this week, the cartoon Ratatouille, and Michael Moore’s Sicko. Two very different movies: One is about a big rat who’s obsessed with food, always getting into trouble, and the other one is Ratatouille. Another presidential debate. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November.
Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, D.C. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the community. He’s against it. Donald Rumsfeld back in the news. He’s writing a book about his experiences as secretary of Defense. Apparently, he has no problem starting a book, he just has no idea how to end the damn thing. The Spice Girls are getting back together! That’s great! Your enthusiasm is also phony! Big Foot is on the loose. A group of scientists say they’ve seen Big Foot in rural Michigan. They’re launching an expedition to go and find him. I mean no disrespect, but if you’re looking, in Michigan, for a giant person covered in thick hair, you’re going to have to be more specific. It could just be a Lions fan! 


Michael Jackson's career became too hot to handle on Jan. 27, 1984, when the superstar's hair caught fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial. During the sixth take of the now-infamous ad, Jacko was doused with a shower of pyrotechnic sparks, setting his hair ablaze. Jackson was taken to hospital where he was treated for second degree burns.


Bill Pinkney: How many Drifters are there? 100? Well, now there's 99...
Will Schaefer: Wrote music for TV shows including "The Flintstones" and "I Dream of Jeannie". Reworked "It's a Small World" for the Disney ride (isn't there a circle in Hell reserved for people who do stuff like that?).
David Ritcheson: He found out he was surrounded by seamen.
Beverly Sills:
Down and Out is Beverly Sills.


Louis Reard's latest swimsuit creation, the two-piece Bikini, goes on sale in Paris.
The body of 29-year-old actress Carole Landis is discovered in her home in Brentwood Heights, California. Landis, whose film career had recently stalled, overdosed on Seconal and left behind a suicide note addressed to her mother.
The Catholic Church finally sanctions cremation as an acceptable means of remains disposal. (Code of Canon Law, Can. 1176)
In deciding United States v. Leon, the Supreme Court permits "good faith" exceptions the exclusionary rule. Illegal evidence is now admissible if obtained by the police in "good faith." Justice William Brennan writes, "The Court's victory over the Fourth Amendment is complete."


Go ahead. Ask me. You need advice? You need a hot stock tip? You just want to get in my head? Just ask. I'll give you an answer. I'm like one of those weird 8-ball floaty things.
Jason, did I miss the memo stating turn signals are now optional ? What the fuck is with people these days ? I just LOVE getting stuck behind some jerk off who couldn't tell me he was going to turn so I could go around him. And I SO enjoy getting stuck at an intersection where I dont want to make my turn thinking I'd get hit if I go out to far from some dickless mo-fo who couldnt tell everybody else he was turning and now I have to wait for traffic to clear coming both ways.
I think you and I BOTH missed that memo. There's nothing worse than sitting at an intersection waiting for some useless prick to figure out where the hell they want to go. Right? Left? Straight? Give me a fucking clue or you may end up with the shiny side down, if you know what I mean.


On "On the Lot" Adriana and Garry Marshall immediately let us know that David and his terrible sexual comedy were going home this week. Good riddance. I'm giving up on trying to make suggestions on ways to improve this stinker. Let's just get right to the movies. This week's guest judge was Eli Roth, writer and director of gorefests such as Cabin Fever and the Hostel movies.


In order for a live action Justice League movie to work, Superman and Batman would have to be included. And in order for fans to truly buy the flick, Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would need to fill those shoes. Not just because they're the best men for the job, but because that's who's currently playing the characters in other movies. But here's the big question: Would both men be interested in taking on the role in a different film, written by different people and directed, I assume, by someone who's not currently attached to either franchise? Well Brandon Routh already answered that question -- he'd be down. And seeing as Hollywood casting agencies aren't banging on his door, I imagine Routh would be game for just about anything Superman related at this point. But what about Bale? He's obviously a much more sought-after actor -- who's also probably contracted for a certain amount of films (3?) -- so would he be down with a crossover flick? IGN attempted to ask Bale that question while he was out promoting Rescue Dawn, his latest film. His answer: "It's like I was saying to Chris [Nolan] -- I'll be probably doing this in dinner theater somewhere in my 50s, so I won't knock it. Because who knows where I'll end up?" Great, thanks for the unbelievably vague answer Christian! I guess if you're in favor of a Justice League movie, then Bale's optimism should make you feel a tad more comfortable about his participation. Then again, if they're planning to shoot a JLA flick next year, will that automatically delay work on a third Batman film? And if Bale is contracted for three films, will he do what will essentially be his fourth Batman-related flick with Nolan?
To answer that question, Bale recently told the "Star Ledger" that he would be interested in reprising the character for a third film with Nolan. He says: "The script leaves room for a very interesting follow-up, too. I think we could take it somewhere else." Hmm, does that mean Nolan will end with Harvey Dent being splashed with acid? Will he tease his Two Face transformation? Is that what Bale was alluding to? As far as when we'll see some actual footage from the current flick, The Dark Knight, Dark Horizons reports Warner Bros. has confirmed that no Dark Knight footage will be shown later this month at ComicCon, as previously rumored. Why? Well, there's simply not enough done yet. However, they do report that Wizard World Chicago -- taking place just a few weeks later -- might be previewing something. So stay tuned, we'll let you know what we hear.


The Avengers
Screenwriter Zak Penn says he needs to take "a break" from his other superhero movie project (The Incredible Hulk) before he begins tackling this one.
Captain America
Marvel Studios President of Production Kevin Feige says he's got a writer working on the script, is also looking for a director and hopes to get production going within the next year.
Constantine 2
After saying for years he'd never do another sequel,  Keanu Reeves suddenly seemed open to the idea late last year. Rachel Weisz and Shia LaBeouf are set to co-star — however, there hasn't been any official announcement of the film actually going into production.
The Dark Knight
Christian Bale is back, Maggie Gyllenhaal is the new Katie Holmes, Aaron Eckhart is Two-Face — and Heath Ledger may just be the creepiest Joker ever! Director Christopher Nolan can rest assured that his Batman Begins resurrection is a success.
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Hot off of one of the most acclaimed films of 2006, Pan's Labyrinth, director Guillermo del Toro is expected to bring in an over-the-top action/fantasy adventure that's sure to top his more modest original.
The Incredible Hulk
Edward Norton seems like an odd choice to take over the lead in a sequel, but the key to the Hulk's enduring success is his tortured human side, tortured being something Norton's really good at playing. Other casting notes: Liv Tyler as love interest Betty Brant, Tim Roth as gamma-ified enemy the Abomination and William Hurt as General Thunderbolt Ross.
Iron Man
Though based on only a third-tier Marvel superhero at best, this film has garnered huge buzz and speculation thanks to its A-list cast and former Swingers leading man turned director Jon Favreau.
Justice League
Reportedly, the first draft of the script by husband/wife writing team Kieran and Michele Mulroney is so strong that Warner Bros. is already looking for a director. It's also unknown that with The Man of Steel, The Dark Knight and Wonder Woman still quite a ways from showing up on the big screen if DC's three biggest heroes would even show up in this team-up movie.
Since this will be a tale of a young master of magnetism, it's unknown if Sir Ian McKellen will appear at all. Plus, this will probably go into production after the Wolverine spinoff (more on that later). So, it's probably quite a few years off.
Still in the early planning stages, a rumor of Jake Gyllenhaal taking the lead turned out to be just that. Writer John August (Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) has claimed to want to be faithful to the old source material, but that might be tricky, since the good Captain, who made his debut in 1939, was such an obvious rip-off of Superman.
The Silver Surfer
Fox is already so gung-ho on this supporting character — and with an impressive $57 mil. opening weekend, who wouldn't be? — that they've commissioned a script for a solo film by cult TV ("Babylon 5") and comic (The Amazing Spider-Man) writer J. Michael Straczynski.
Sin City 2
Allegedly waiting for Angelina Jolie's schedule to open up caused delays in this project's production. Whether that's true or not, Rachel Weisz is now rumored to have taken over Jolie's role. Johnny Depp is also rumored to be joining up.
Spider-Man 4
The principles involved with the first three films — Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and director Sam Raimi — are all being coy: They'll only make another sequel if they all come back for it. (Read: Will Sony cough up the cash for all of them again?) Rumors of Jake Gyllenhaal taking over from Maguire abound, but that guy's rumored for just about every future superhero movie.
The Spirit
Frank Miller (again!) makes his directing debut with this update of the classic comic character created by Will Eisner. His first choice to play super-villain Octopus? Bad mo'fo Samuel L. Jackson.
Superman: The Man of Steel
Although Superman Returns was generally considered a letdown, director Bryan Singer claims the sequel will have much more action. Rumors abound that Orlando Bloom will have a role, possibly that of General Zod from the original Superman II.
Super Max
David Goyer (Blade: Trinity, The Invisible) is attached to direct; no screenplay yet.
Teen Titans
Already an animated hit on Cartoon Network, the Titans go live action with movie/TV/comic writer Mark Verheiden (The Mask) already working on the script.
With the release of Stardust still looming on the horizon, director Matthew Vaughn is already angling for his next comics-to-film project.
The Watchmen
Widely considered the greatest superhero graphic novel ever written, Watchmen has had a rocky road to the movies. Terry Gilliam (The Brothers Grimm) and Paul Greengrass (United 93) were both given green, then red, lights for the project at different times, but after 300 became a phenomenon, Zack Snyder became the obvious choice to helm. Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie and Chris Evans are signed on to star.
Marvel producers say this will be the next "official" picture in the X-Men franchise, rather than another sequel with multiple mutants. Hugh Jackman is back, of course, and both Tyler Mane and Vinnie Jones insist they will return as villains (Sabretooth and Juggernaut respectively), but that's probably just both of them lobbying for acting gigs.
Wonder Woman
Despite working on a script for years, Joss Whedon famously walked off the project earlier this year, citing creative differences with producer Joel Silver. No new writer and/or director has been announced yet, and just about every hot young actress in Hollywood has claimed to want the starring part.

And now for the review of
Ratatouille. Featuring the voices of Patton Oswalt, Peter O' Toole, Janeane Garofalo, Brad Garrett, Will Arnett. A fastidiously clean French rat who loves to cook turns a newbie chef into his own personal marionette (sitting under the kid's tall white hat, he magically controls the secretly awful cook's hands by yanking on locks of hair … look, it's a cartoon; you just accept that this can happen) and turns around the fortunes of a formerly fancy restaurant while simultaneously thwarting the greedy goals of a hack chef whose evil agenda is to make a lot of money off a line of frozen foods. I'm really hoping this makes a ton of money and sparks a trend of mainstream animated features that rely more on plot and character than on by-the-numbers cartoonisms, because it's that different from what you've seen before in a movie that's ostensibly aimed at kids. Not that it's not fast-paced and kid-friendly. But it's also so fantastically strong that there are entire sequences where going for the easy laugh or the quick plot turn is something you could tell was just not on the minds of the filmmakers. You notice stuff like that when you've had to sit through crap like Surf's Up. The pots and pans looked real. In fact, just about every object in the kitchen scenes is almost mind-trickingly, photographically true. And yet still cartoony, if that makes sense. Like to the point where I was imagining it also being made as a live-action feature by Jeunet and Caro (City of Lost Children, Amélie). Very little kids might get restless. At the screening I went to, there were, as usual, hordes of screaming children. The under-fours seemed a little noncomprehending. But then again, that could have been a result of the 110-minute running time. And Wolfgang Puck should be offended, although his frozen pizza is not so horrible. That canned soup of his, though, is pretty gross. From one to 10, it gets a 9. 

Whew! There you have it, another entry of the Phile. Now, here's the sitch, and no crying. The Phile won't be updated next week as we will be in the middle of getting our new house situated. But the Phile will be back the week after that. In the meantime, go to P.F. Chang's for some lettuce wraps and spread the word, not the turd. Later.

No comments: