Hello, Phile Phans, how are you? Like the title of this entry says, this is the last blog done on a shitty computer. Today I purchased an iMac! So, next week's entry will be done on a brand new computer, and I hope you'll notice a difference. The computer is still in the box and I wanted to write the blog instead of setting it up. I am loyal to my Phans. Well, now that it’s official: What am I going to do with Anna Nicole’s baby? How about that Don Imus thing? He apologized to the Rutgers’ women’s basketball team . . . and in my life, I’ve had to apologize to women, but it’s usually in bed. If I were Don Imus, I wouldn’t be saying anything about other people’s hair. The White House wants to appoint a high-powered official to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and issue directions to the Pentagon and the State Department . . . This person would be called the president of the United States. House Speaker Pelosi announced she’s considering taking another controversial trip, this time to Iran. And even worse, when she gets back, she’s going fishing with Don Imus. A producer has been fired from CBS News because Katie Couric taped a story for the news that turned out to be plagiarized from The Wall Street Journal. Viewers became suspicious when they noticed that Couric was reading the story directly out of The Wall Street Journal. Rudy Giuliani got into trouble because of that presidential question that he was asked — what was the price of a gallon of milk. That’s the question that shows you know the common people. That doesn’t bother me. What I want to know is, Does the president know the price of the war in Iraq? Car manufacturers are making cars that change colors. Blue car means you’re depressed . . . red car means you’re angry . . . a rainbow-colored car means . . . . you like to drive on the other side of the road . . . An image of the Virgin Mary appeared in a tree along the Mexican border. Not surprisingly, the tree snuck into the U.S. two weeks ago. Baseball experts say that, last week, cold weather caused the number of homeruns to plunge to its lowest level since 1993. In fact, Barry Bonds said, "My ass is so frozen, I can’t even get the needle in.” Nice celebrity story: Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest recently traveled to one of the poorest villages in Africa to visit with the children. The first thing the African children said was, "What’s the frickin’ deal with Sanjaya!?!” In a new interview with George Michael announced that despite repeated requests, he will never be part of a reunion with the ‘80s group Wham!. In case you’re curious, the repeated requests all come from the other guy in Wham!. California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to appear on the show "Pimp My Ride.” This is, of course, great news for fans of the show, but bad news for the guy who does the closed captioning. The other day in Los Angeles a woman was arrested after she was caught trying to sneak into Tom Cruise’s house. When Katie Holmes saw the woman, she told her, "Be careful — it’s easy to get in, impossible to get out.” Saw this in the paper today. In Alaska, scientists have caught a fish that is at least a hundred years old. Not surprisingly they found it at a Long John Silvers. By the way, this week's Phile is sponsored by Hallmark. "Face it, you'll never come up with anything clever on your own."
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
He has no chance.
SHARPENING AXES
Ninjas, historically, didn't wear black. For nighttime operations, they wore dark blues, dark grays, and browns. Although most people believe Napoleon was short, he was actually five feet six inches tall, an average height for a Frenchman in those days. The idea that it is dangerous to wake a sleepwalker is a myth. Nonalcoholic beer isn't. Most brands of non-alcoholic beer contain about .5% alcohol. Even though you might think so, America is not the world's top producer of feature films. That honor goes to India. The "v" in the name of a court case does not stand for "versus," but for "and" (in civil proceedings) or "against" (in criminal proceedings). White paws on cats are commonly called "boots" when, in fact, they are actually referred to as "gloves." Chastity belts were not originally imposed to keep people from having sex. They were intended to keep youngsters, of both sexes, from masturbating. Contrary to popular belief, gladiators were lousy fighters in real combat. They were trained solely for arena fighting. On the actual battlefield, their skills were mediocre. Potatoes weren't originally grown as food. They were grown for use as ornamental decorations. Shoemakers are commonly called "cobblers," but correctly speaking, a cobbler is a shoe repairman. A shoemaker is a "cordwainer." Teddy Roosevelt's Rough Riders didn't ride, ever, during the Spanish-American War. In fact, they weren't Teddy's. He was second in command. Despite what you might think, just 20% of the Sahara is covered with sand.The rest is rocky. The nose isn't the only thing that the Sphinx is missing. It once had a royal beard, a cobra emblem, and other pieces of masonry. Bits of what is left of the beard are in the British Museum. Ducks are never male. The males of the species are called drakes. The day after Thanksgiving is reported to be the "busiest shopping day of the year," but it's not true. In terms of sales, the highest sales day of the year is usually either the last Saturday before Christmas or December 23. The first umbrellas weren't intended to protect people from the rain. They were invented by the ancient Egyptians to shield them from the sun.
DAD
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
Teams bit into thousands of cookies, one team was completely forgotten, and another team got Yielded, yet overall, last night’s episode of "The Amazing Race 11" was pretty boring. With five episodes to go, these all-stars better start shining. See? It’s even affecting my ability to write engaging metaphors. “We don’t resort to dirty game play like that. We really depend on our skills to get us through,” Mirna said, foreshadowing a moment when she would do the exact opposite. When Eric asked Mirna and Charla if they’d give up one of the two computers they were using to search for plane tickets, Mirna refused. Later, as retribution, Eric wouldn’t let Mirna cut them in line. But then Mirna told us, “Touche, he has a point.” At least she’s aware of her hypocrisy. Now if she’d only realize that she’s an ass. Uchenna and Joyce booked a flight that Danny and Oswald decided not to take because it had a tight connection. “We’re optimistic about it. Things should work out. Our life depends on it,” Uchenna said. Despite the commercial break, which usually ends with a turnaround for the team in crisis, they missed their connection, and were left trying to find another flight. “They definitely don’t need a StairMaster in their country,” Charla said while climbing stairs in Kuala Lumpua, as if America lacks stairs. Dustin and Kandice appeared to have taken the wrong train and bus, but managed to beat Eric and Danielle, and Oswald and Danny, to the clue box. “It’s pure strategy; it’s nothing personal,” one of the blondes said after Yielding Eric and Danielle. “Those dirty, dirty hookers,” Eric said, and told Danielle they got Yielded “because they’re dirty pirate hookers.” Why is not surprising that Eric’s reference point for women are those who have to be paid for sex and steal your money? A crowd watched Charla and Mirna open 600 boxes of cookies (each of which contained at least a dozen cookies, and probably many more), bite into them, and let the cookie’s crumbles fall out of their mouth. They were searching for a single cookie with a licorice center, and as spit-out cookies piled up, someone screamed, “Go Charla!” Mirna explained, “We have a lot of fans, it turns out, here in Malaysia, that recognize us, and they really boost our egos.” Mirna, try that sentence again, replacing the “we” with “Charla.” “You should have no problem with getting free newspaper,” a man told Kandice. “The way you look, yeah,” he said, and it almost seemed like he was saying that it was not because of her stunning good looks, but because she looked like a homeless person in need of shelter. Oswald revealed one of his greatest fears, and it was not being thrown off a building. “Want me to ride a horse, I’m happy. Throw me from a building, I’m fine. Bicycles, I simply don’t like them,” he said. Danny, however, didn’t like Oswald, riding away on the bike saying, “Hating you!” over and over again. “Does anybody have a rope so I can hang myself?” Oswald asked. Even when they’re angry, they’re funnier than Saturday Night Live. Dustin or Kandice—I can only tell them apart when one uses the other’s name—said “I smell Phil” as they ran to the mat. That made me wonder: What does Phil smell like? I think it’s a combination of a day spa, the beach, and funnel cakes. Mirna told a boy who helped her, “Stay out of drugs, go to schools, be a professional, and you’re in good shape.” And be sure to learn English in schools. “Every Roadblock that is designed for a guy, I am doing. And every Roadblock for a girl, Eric’s got. He’s a woman,” Danielle complained, as if she didn’t even watch "The Amazing Race 9". Oswald and Danny arrived at the pit stop last, but Phil simply said they were in fourth place. What? That’s when the editors cut back to Uchenna and Joyce, who I’d completely forgotten were still racing. Their fist clue told them to “travel by taxi to the next pit stop,” where Phil eliminated them, but offered comfort by saying, “you have won this race before.” Good thing Phil doesn’t officiate at funerals, where he’d probably say, “you still have one parent left.”
TODAY IN HISTORY
1945: Franklin D. Roosevelt, the only president ever elected to four terms of office, dies of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, GA. The following day, Vice President Harry S. Truman assumes the post and is told for the first time about the Manhattan Project. 1960: Eric Peugeot, 4-year-old son of the auto manufacturer, is kidnapped in Paris. The child is later freed after a $300,000 ransom is paid. Ultimately, the perpetrators are caught and sent to prison. 1961: Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Alexeyevich Gargarin is the first man in space, aboard Vostok I. 1988: U.S. patent 4,736,866 is granted to Harvard University for a genetically-modified mouse, engineered to be particularly susceptible to carcinogens. The cancer-prone "Harvard Oncomouse" is the world's first patented creature, and perhaps also the most screwed. 1989: 1960s counterculture icon Abbie Hoffman kills himself by overdosing on barbituates. 1992: EuroDisney opens to the public, attracting a meager 50,000 visitors. Expectations had been about ten times as many. This underwhelming response by the European public will continue for more than a year. Finally, after 18 months of retooling, the resort is ultimately rechristened Disneyland Paris. 1994: The US Tax Court rules that Indiana exotic dancer Chesty Love can claim a $2,088 tax credit for depreciation on her 56FF breast implants. The judge found that Love's surgical augmentation did in fact increase her income, also that she was unable to derive any personal benefit from them, as the oversized mammaries "contorted her body into a grotesque appearance." 1995: To celebrate David Letterman's 49th birthday, actress Drew Barrymore climbs atop the Late Night desk and flashes her bosomy protuberances at the man. 1995: The Hong Kong Eastern Express reports that China sanctions the consumption of aborted human fetuses as a "health benefit." One practitioner willing to admit a taste for this is Dr. Zou Qin of the Luo Hu Clinic, who boasts having consumed more than 100 meals of human veal -- stew and soup, mostly. 2007: The Peverett's buy an iMac.
ROBOTS I EXPECTED TO EXIST BY NOW
We were promised robots. Crazy electronic sidekick or death-dealing automaton of doom, we didn’t care, as long as the future shaped up to be the awesome electronic robo-battle we’d dreamed of as children. Flash forward 20 years and all we have are sorry, non-robotic pieces of supposedly innovative crap, such as “hybrid cars,” “iPods,” and “hope for the AIDs vaccine.” Consider the below list a sort of report card, so modern scientists can see exactly how far they are from fulfilling the promises of our childhood. Johnny Five fromShort Circuit: Sure, he might be a little obnoxious, not to mention he has the dubious honor of sharing a marquee with 1980s staple Steve Gutenberg. But he scores points for looking like a robot that could actually, you know, “exist.” Also, when he gets angry, his eyes go “destruction red” and he blows stuff up with a laser. Which is classic robot! Lisa from Weird Science: To this day, I'm not sure exactly what the hell Kelly LeBrock’s character was supposed to be in this film, but I'm pretty sure computers were involved, making her at least quasi-robotic. ED-209 from RoboCop: Forget that whiny, morally conflicted do-gooder hero (who was really more of a man in a robot suit anyways), this big guy was the real star of the show. Save for some minor weaknesses (“stairs”), he’s my pick in a fight any day. KITT: Take Mr. Bevledere, add a splash of Stephen King’s Christine, a shot of one of the guys from "The A-Team" and two shots of some exceedingly strange man/car sexual tension, and you’ve got one of the most mysterious robots of all time. It’s a little known fact that KITT was not actually a special effect, but a fully functional robotic car. However, to protect the secret of the car’s existence, Hasselhoff rounded up entire cast and crew of "Knight Rider" along with their families, and killed them with his bare hands. Data: He’s super strong, fast, and smart, in a pretty standard, robot-y way, but what’s endearing is that he really just wants to be one of the guys. Also, he does this thing where he uses the computer by moving his hands really, really fast, which is pretty cool. The Terminator: Sometimes, a robot just has to want to destroy all humans, are we right? Also, whether that heavily accented man from the future is here to protect or eliminate us, at least our long-standing Christ complex is finally validated.
UNITENTIONALLY FUNNY COMIC BOOK PANELS
MOVIE BUZZ
Superman Returns 2: Orlando Bloom was overheard talking about Supes' sequel with director Bryan Singer in Hollywood this week. Yeah, Orlando kinda looks like this dude.
Red State: When is a horror movie not a horror movie? When Kevin Smith says it's not about zombies or serial killers but a preacher in the mold of the controversial Rev. Fred Phelps. If you're not familiar with Fred, watch this nasty piece.
Postal: Uwe Boll, the auteur behind Bloodrayne and House of the Dead, has directed the first 9/11 comedy. Watch this for a real hoot (not). Or if shooting little kids is your idea of hysterics, here's the "secret UNRATED" trailer.
The Christmas Cottage: Jared Padalecki is all set to star as artist Thomas Kinkade in a movie based on one of his paintings. A painting? Man, if they're going to do that, why not make one about those dogs playing poker?
The Birds: After offending nobody by producing remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Amityville Horror, Michael Bay will try harder by taking on Alfred Hitchcock's classic about fowl gone wild.
Super Max: Wrongly convicted superhero Green Arrow will go to prison to fight "all sorts of B and C supervillains," including the Tickler and General Glass Jaw. Ah, they shouldn't be too hard to beat.
Lynch: If you ever wondered if David Lynch is as bizarre as his films, watch some footage from an upcoming documentary about the oddball director. (P.S.: The answer = yes.)
Well, the time has come, it's an end of an era...I mean error. For 70 entries, I have written the Phile on a shitty hp computer that is full of viruses and spy ware and more pop up's than the Playboy Mansion. Starting next week the Phile will be done on a brand new iMac. I will make a few changes to the Phile to make it even better as well. Also, we are getting close to reaching 2000 entries by June. Check out the Phile's Myspace site and Webshots page where I added tons of pics from our stay last weekend at the Nick Hotel. Until next time, spread the word, not the turd.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Soixante-Neuf
MOVIE BUZZ
Meet The Robinsons: Staring voices of Angela Bassett, Laurie Metcalf, Tom Selleck, Daniel Hansen, Jordan Fry, Stephen J. Anderson. An orphan in search of a home thinks he's found one in a future world that resembles what might happen if Oz and Tomorrowland oozed all over each other like a melting Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. What he also finds is a complicated time-travel issue, one whose solution will decide not only his own fate but the fates of the people (and frogs and robot and octopus) he meets along the way. Not counting the weirdly cool Teacher's Pet and the Pixar movies — which technically haven't been Disney films as we know them (I know, try telling that to kids) — I'm going to assert here that since the revival of Disney's reputation as a reliable animation studio with The Little Mermaid, there hasn't been a really great film from them since Lilo & Stitch tried to resurrect the beauty of the old-school watercolor style. And the glut of other studios making equally inferior product hasn't made anyone but money-counters happy. And now that I'm finished complaining about the past, you should know that this is the best animated Disney movie in years. Now, I like Wanda Sykes and Julia Roberts just fine, but I was getting really fed up with being force-fed those actors as whatever animal they were voicing in movie after movie. Here, the characters are allowed to come to you without the baggage of a famous name attached. Check the cast list above. Only three famous people. And you barely notice it's them when you're listening. More attention is paid to characters you can actually feel something for — and there's a significant emotional payoff to this one that doesn't feel forced or cheap at all — than to throwing soon-to-be-dated, unfunny, pop-culture joke after joke at the wall. It's rated G. I like that. I like that I can recommend this to my sister-in-law to take my four-year-old niece to without the poor woman worrying that she's going to have to deal with endless fart jokes and fifth-grader-level sexual innuendo. Most importantly, it achieves what Disney used to make seem effortless: a sense of wonder and joy.
Transformers: Giant robots goon a vehicular rampage in this cool slideshow. They must be mad that the price of gas is going up again, too.
Wallace And Gromit 2: Aardman Animation is setting up shop at Sony Pictures, so another film starring the nutty inventor and his dog is in the works. This is great news as long as they bring back the penguin from The Wrong Trousers as the villain.
National Treasure 2: Nicolas Cage is caught acting like a goof on the set. And if this film's anything like Ghost Rider, he'll be caught acting like a goof on camera as well.
X-Files 2: Gillian Anderson says a new movie is finally in the works, five years after the TV show went off the air. Yes, the truth is still out there. And that truth is that nobody really cares anymore.
Live Free Or Die Hard: Bruce Willis is all bruised and bloodied in these promo photos. And here I thought he had finally broken down and taken out Ashton Kutcher for dating Demi. Oh well. Also, they say the full movie trailer will debut with Grindhouse this weekend.
Only In New York: That dude who directed Catwoman, the single-named Pitof, is going to direct a new film with Jim Caviezel as a crook trying to go straight. Even he can't believe he got another job.
Iron Man: Robert Downey Jr. smooches Gwyneth Paltrow in these set photos. Not as thrilling as finally getting a glimpse of the superhero's body armor, but at least it's better than those pictures of boxes I was supposed to get all excited over last week.
Recount: Sydney Pollack's upcoming movie about "hanging chads" isn't going to be porno film. It's about the convoluted 2000 presidential election. My mistake.
Diggers: Watching the opening bit of this trailer, you might think it'll be about a cool family of grave robbers. But watch it a little bit more and you'll see you were sadly, sadly mistaken …
April Fools' Day: Joke posts were out in full force on the movie blogs on Sunday, including phony news about Peter Jackson directing a live-action Powerpuff Girls movie, Freddy Prinze Jr. starring as the Riddler in The Dark Knight, Brad Pitt quitting acting, a Saw remake and the one that actually fooled everyone: Pixar producing their first live-action film, John Carter, Warlord of Mars.
DAD
UNITENTIONALLY FUNNY COMIC BOOK PANELS
HEROES
The long break for "Heroes" is nearly over, and to get people excited, NBC has released two video clips. This one is simply a scene between Mr. Bennett and Thompson as Thompson tries new tactics to find out where Claire is. This other scene reveals a new hero, so if you don't like spoilers, don't watch it! And if you're new to this whole "Heroes" thing or just have a lot of time on your hands, you can watch the first 18 episodes of "Heroes" online for free. NBC is streaming the entire season so far with "limited interruption" from various sponsors. "Heroes" returns April 23rd.
DOCTOR WHO
If I didn't know better, I'd suspect that the constant rumours concerning the fate of actor David Tennant as the current incarnation of "Doctor Who" is nothing more than a ploy to keep news about the show constantly appearing in the UK newspaper headlines and sustain interest in the new series. I now have another report, this time in The Guardian's Media Monkey column, which states that Tennant has indeed signed on for a third series, again, citing another "industry insider". The Sun had previously stated that Robert Carlyle (Trainspotting, 28 Weeks Later) would take over the role midway through the current series. There's still no official word from the BBC on Tennant's position, but it doesn't seem to make sense that he'd pack it in half-way through a series, unless there's a complex storyline which required him to vacate the role (such as The Master stealing one of his regenerations, perhaps....?).
LESSONS LEARNED FROM CARTOONS
CARTOON: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles LESSON: April O’Neil is really hot. She’s got red hair, wears a sexy yellow jumpsuit and gets down with anthropomorphic pizza-fiends. Most girls want nothing to do with dudes that live in the sewers, but not April O’Neil. She doesn’t even mind hanging with that old man-rat wearing a pink kimono! This girl is a freak, for real. I’ve got one word for you dude: cowabunga. Cowabunga that chick in your underground lair all night long. How it affected us as adults: Mistakenly thought our girlfriend would be cool with it if we called them dude, ate nothing but pizza and wore a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle mask during sex.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1815: Mount Tambora erupts in what is now Indonesia, killing 12,000 and spewing eighty cubic kilometers of ash into the atmosphere at once. The blast is heard more than 900 miles away, and makes summer feel like winter in many parts of the world. 1944: The Nazis begin deporting jews from Hungary. 1949: Twenty newborn babies and 57 other people die as St. Anthony's Hospital in Effingham, IL is destroyed by fire. 1951: Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are sentenced to death for acts of treason, which in this case means giving atomic bomb secrets to the Soviet Union. 1990: London physician Raymond Crocket is removed from the medical register after it is shown that he paid for and removed kidneys from Turkish donors brought to England. 1994: Kurt Cobain blows his fucking head off. 1997: Allen Ginsberg dies. We are sure that Allen's work for NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association) has touched us all. 1998: "Hollywood is run by Jews; it is owned by Jews, and they should have a greater sensitivity about the issue of -- of people who are suffering. Because they've exploited -- we have seen the -- we have seen the Nigger and Greaseball, we've seen the Chink, we've seen the slit-eyed dangerous Jap, we have seen the wily Filipino, we've seen everything but we never saw the Kike. Because they knew perfectly well, that that is where you draw the wagons around." --Marlon Brando, on "Larry King Live"
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOSREALITY
After watching two hours of "The Amazing Race 11", I’m almost as exhausted as the teams were, and I didn’t even travel from one hemisphere to another. The two hours were full of lots of airline ticket drama, but they also had a few touching minutes as the teams visited Auschwitz. While they were well-behaved and legitimately moved by the experience, that didn’t stop them from acting like assclowns before and after their visit. Phil said, “Since flights to Warsaw are limited, teams have been provided with tickets on a flight scheduled to arrive the next day at 11:25 a.m. However, they are under no obligation to use the tickets.” Hello, equalizer. Working for hours to find flights, many of the teams decided to focus on preventing other teams from getting reservations rather than securing their own. “I don’t want you to share. You understand, my sister?” Mirna said condescendingly to a travel agent. Just a few minutes earlier, Mirna, Dustin, and Kandice managed to convince that agent to hang up the phone on Uchenna, who frustratingly said on the other end of the phone, “People are telling ‘em to hang the phone up. … Is there a small person with them?” The Amazing Race: All-Asses. Mirna was wearing a t-shirt under a sweater that said “This is what c looks like.” But the word starting with c was cut off by her sweater, so unless I missed it, the world will never know what c she was showing us. “I want you to do something besides bitch,” Eric told Danielle, who replied, “Your personality is absolutely irritation; I don’t know where it came from.” Eric said, “Well, you’ve never raced with me.” And Danielle replied, “No, obviously not. I’m surprised Jeremy didn’t kill you.” Well, he certainly didn’t sign up for a second race with Eric, did he? Bill and Joe left the pit stop at 7:01 p.m., almost 15 hours after Charla and Mirna first left. This time, though, their delay wasn’t because they were being cocky. And they caught a pre-booked flight and tied with Eric and Danielle, who also took that flight. At the airport in Kilimanjaro, where the four had to change planes, Joe freaked out when airport personnel told him they couldn’t get on the plane. “Radio the pilot, tell him we’re all here, we’re all ready to walk on, we’re wasting time.” Then he ran outside and started waving at the plane, screaming, “Let us on the plane!” His partner simply said, “I think he’s lost it.” In Poland, Charla adopted the odd accent she and Mirna adopt when speaking in English to non-English speakers and asked a cab driver, “You like Polish hot dogs? You like polish sausage?” The cab driver ignored her. “He doesn’t like us too much,” she said through clenched teeth. “No, I don’t think so,” Mirna said. Hey, maybe if you told him a Polish joke he’d be more conversational. “You know how to speak? You know how to talk?” Mirna asked some people, pointing at her lips. Then she told us, “It was frustrating to not understand why they wouldn’t reach out to two young girls asking for help. … Maybe they’ve never seen a little person.” Or, maybe they’ve never seen such a patronizing bitch before. “Oh, sorry,” Joyce said, closing a door, “I hear pianos.” But it would have been an odd place for a piano: “That’s a toilet,” Uchenna said. Oswald has his priorities: After a pianist gave him the clue, he and Danny hugged the man, and Oswald said, “If I were in town, I would ask for your number.” Phil told us, “With teams spread so far apart, Dustin and Kandice are beginning the eighth leg of the race while two teams have yet to finish the previous leg.” So much for equalizers. Joe and Bill were saved by the non-elimination leg, and Joe kissed Phil, who said, “careful where you’re going there.” Oh, Phil. You know you like affection from your teams. Fighting over a cup of coffee, Eric dismissed Danille and said, “Don’t worry; it won’t last much longer.” You mean your sham relationship with Danielle, Eric? Or your time on the race? At Auschwitz, the teams had to read a passage out loud about the genocide that occurred there, and then “observe a moment of silence.” The music quieted, and so did the teams. Oswald, Danny, Uchenna, and Joyce all checked in at the same time because there was an Intersection after their visit to the concentration camp, and they worked together to complete the Fast Forward. At the mat, Phil told them, “so guys, I have one prize to give away, and I’m going to leave it up to you as to who’s going to get it.” Oswald and Danny generously gave it to the other team, but come on, producers: it’s not like a tie was a surprise there. How about two prizes? It’s time for Guess the Detour Challenge Using Out-of-Context Quotations! Eric: “You have to eat 24 inches.” Mirna: “It’s so much bigger than I ever thought.” Kandice or Dustin: “Why is mine so much thicker than everybody else’s?” Eric: “Dani, can you eat that?” Bill: “Put it on, and just get it really long like he did and just keep squeezing it off.” Joe: “Yours hasn’t even gone down yet. I’m going to concentrate on Eric.” Give up? They weren’t at a brothel, but were instead making and then eating kielbasa sausage. “Ladies and gentleman, Miss California!” Eric said as Dustin vomited sausage. Then Charla, who we saw with vomit on her lips (!), started hurling into a bucket, and the other teams covered their ears. And I started dry heaving. Thanks, Amazing Race. “The one thing we know is Mirna can’t drive worth a damn,” Joe said. She also can’t negotiate. Trying to convince a taxi driver to show them they way, she said, “You think I’m made of money? I’m a young girl, I don’t have $100. You think I’m a millionaire?” The cab driver slammed the door on her and said, “bye bye,” and kept walking as Mirna cried, “Have a little bit of sympathy as a human being!” Tragically, he came back, falling for Mirna’s bullshit. For the Roadblock, a team member had to dress in knight’s armor and lead a horse around a castle. “She looked like a dressed-up rat,” Joe said of Charla, and it was kind of true. When she and her horse started walking in circles, it was especially funny, as was the moment when she fell flat on her face. Twice. At least she was wearing armor. Joe and Bill arrived fifth but had their 30-minute penalty for coming in last place, and thus were eliminated. “I’ve had a knight in shining armor for 20 years now,” Joe said. That was touching, but he wasn’t being poetic; Bill was standing next to him, wearing a metal suit.
DIG FOR NOSEBERRIES
Picky Michael Keaton does the polite pinky pull-pick in Santa Monica.
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
Looks like Kenny Baker is finally getting too big for the part.
So, what did you think? Confused? Feeling like you're upside down? As this is the 69th entry of the Phile, I thought it would be fun to flip it. Soixante-neuf is 69 in French, which is really what the sexual position is called. Today was the first day of the International Flower And Garden Festival at Epcot, or as I like to call it, allergy season. It's not to be confused with the pansey festival in June. The president of Iran announced that he’s going to free the British hostages as an early Easter gift. As an extra bonus, the Iranian president said he’s going to throw in a case of marshmallow Peeps. Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is angry at the press. Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Then Giuliani added, "I mean just this wife. It’s open season on the first two.” The Vatican may canonize Pope John Paul II because since he’s passed away, people have been praying to him and he’s already been credited with three miracles. So far, the Pope’s biggest miracle has been keeping Sanjaya from being voted off "American Idol.” A Spice Girls reunion concert may be in the works. But Posh Spice, Scary Spice, and the others are demanding $10 million. The $10 million price tag was thought up by the group’s newest member, Delusional Spice. President Bush had a big press conference in the Rose Garden. President Bush was asked if he knew the current price of a gallon of gasoline. And Bush’s answer was within a few pennies. Which isn’t surprising since Bush spends most of the day watching "The Price Is Right.” In New Jersey, firemen had to use a crane to remove a 700-pound woman from her house. The woman is doing fine, but the crane is in critical condition. In Los Angeles this weekend, shot were fired at a party following the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Police said they were going to apprehend whoever was involved and give them a time out.
Well, that's about it. Check out the Phile's Myspace page where I added a background of Port Jeff harbor where I grew up. And the Phile's Webshots page where I am always adding new pics. This weekend we'll be staying at the Nickelodeon Hotel which should be lots of fun. I am sure to post pictures on Webshots next week of myself getting slimed. have a good Easter and the Phile will be back next Thursday. Also, the Phile has less then 500 views to go before it hits 2000! Spread the word, not the turd.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
F Osama, We've Got Eggs To Hunt
Hello, Phans, welcome to the Peverett Phile. If you're wondering why there's an Easter themed title this week, it's because next week I am planning something for the Phile's 69th entry next week. So, it was so nice out today, comedian Eddie Griffin walked into a concrete barrier. What a story! A woman is having a snack, choking to death, and she receives the Heimlich treatment from her dog. This is a very talented dog — he also did Regis’ bypass surgery. Happy birthday to Hugh Heffner — 81 years old yesterday. Quite a guy. You know, Hugh Heffner takes so much Viagra, that when he dies it’s going to be an open coffin. It seems like every couple of weeks, we hear that McDonald’s is making their menu more diet friendly. Fewer calories, no trans fats . . . They’re now offering a third of a pound hamburger. The damn hamburger weighs a third of a pound. Don’t worry though . . . You get a pretty good workout at the ketchup pump. There’s a couple of paparazzi who are suing Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson for physically and verbally abusing them. Suing them! I would pay for that! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the No. 1 movie in America. They beat the 300. Which is embarrassing for the Spartans. They hold off thousands and thousands of heavily armed Persians, but four turtles and you’re done. I saw the Turtles film last week, but haven't seen 300 yet. I want to see 1 through 299 first. I’m bummed. I have a little tradition. On Thursday nights, I go the kitchen after writing the blog and I treat myself . . . I eat a can of dog food, and now I find out it might be poisonous. Al Gore testified yesterday about global warming. Al Gore told members of Congress that, "The planet has a fever, and it needs a doctor.” When they heard this, members of Congress said, "Yeah. You won an Oscar for this?” Sources at the Pentagon say several factories in Iraq will soon begin making clothes to be sold in the United States. That’s right. Because Americans only want two things from Iraq: a central stable government and affordable quality men’s wear. Britney Spears has agreed to give estranged husband Kevin Federline $20 million in a divorce settlement. Apparently Federline will get $2 million in cash and the rest in beef jerky. Baseball spring training underway. Players on the San Francisco Giants don’t mind playing with Barry Bonds, because they’re hoping some of his greatness will rub off on them. Either that or they’re hoping Bonds will inject some of his greatness into their biceps. By the way, this entry of the Phile is sponsored by Ray-Ban: We'd love to be sitting on your face.
BROKEN
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
Judging by the expressions of the guy dressed as the Hoth soldier, either he's never seen a girl in just her bra before or her breasts are set to stun.
and now for another new feature called...
DIG FOR NOSEBERRIES
Sting polices his proboscis while perambulating in London, 2006.
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
Picture it, Maputo, 2007: Teams of two Americans spend time in airports trying to get airplane tickets. One team, a little person and her annoying cousin fly away first, leaving all the other teams behind to fight for standby seats on overbooked flights to Tanzania. That pretty much sums up most of last night’s "Amazing Race 11" episode, which largely took place in airports. Despite this, because the editors are among the best around, the results were still engaging, if not exactly suspenseful. The episode would have been a lot better if it’d included more of Oswald’s impression of Santino impersonating Tim Gunn on "Project Runway". “We have the same driver, Andre,” he said. Slipping into a Santino-as-Gunn voice, he said, “Andrae, where’s Andrae?” At Red Lobster, of course. Eric said, with a completely serious tone and expression, that Tanzania is “where the Tanzanian devil lives.” After Danielle corrected him (“Tasmania”), he tried to regather his testicles and insert them back into his scrotum by mocking his alleged girlfriend: “I was just kidding. You knucklehead.” “That was a little awkward, holding hands and all that religious stuff,” Charla said after Mirna asked an airport employee who was helping them to hold hands and pray with her. “He enjoyed it,” Mirna said. Walking down the jetway, Eric committed one of the biggest race sins: foreshadowing one’s own calamity. “Still waiting for somebody to run after us and tell us to stop,” he said. Moments later, on board the plane, an airline rep told them, “You were accidentally given somebody else’s seats. Sorry, I must ask you to leave the plane right now.” Eric offered the passengers “50 bucks” “to get off the plane,” but no one agreed, perhaps because they knew he was racing for $1 million, the cheap bastard. Being pulled off the plane led Danielle to throw her backpack to the ground, start crying, and demand more juice and peanut butter crackers. “I don’t wanna do this anymore,” she cried. “Due to the weather,” Charla and Mirna were told, their boat to Zanzibar would leave at 5:30 a.m. the next day. That was pretty suspicious, considering that delay would allow the rest of the group to catch up to their commanding lead, especially since the clouds overhead were just wispy little ones. At least edit in some thunderheads. “This is our corner. We work this bench,” Oswald told Charla and Mirna, pretending to be a prostitute. While Mirna laid on the deck of a boat, waving a TAR flag, Charla leaned overboard and hurled. This was funny because of the editing, which showed everyone lounging on the boat, and as the camera panned to puking Charla, the soundtrack stopped with a violent record scratch. It was also funny because puke is inherently humorous, unless it’s coming out of one’s own mouth. “Two ones in a row. You are too hot to handle,” Phil told Charla and Mirna checked in first again, and they screamed excitedly. “I have some good news for you,” Phil continued. “As the winners of this leg of the race, you have each won a 12-and-a-half foot catamaran.” Cue the crickets. “Huh?” Mirna asked. “What is that?” Charla said. “It’s adual-hulled sailing boat,” Phil said, as if that was in any way more descriptive, and the two pretended to be excited. Uchenna and Joyce checked in third but had a 30-minute penalty because they were marked for elimination. But they were at least 30 minutes ahead of the next team, so their penalty turned out to be irrelevant. Oh, new nonelimination leg penalty. You are better than the begging for money penalty, but you fail to deliver drama so often, I fear you will be replaced soon. “There’s always a chance,” Teri said, but there wasn’t. The Guidos easily beat them to the pit stop, and no one really cares that they’re gone. Five seconds from next week’s two-hour episode seemed to make up for the slower parts of this week’s episode: Charla in knight’s armor falling on her face. I’m making the popcorn now.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1951: Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are both convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage. 1977: Lee Harvey Oswald's best friend, and coincidentally a friend of both Jackie Kennedy and George HW Bush, Dallas socialite George de Mohrenschildt dies from a self-inflicted shotgun wound to the mouth, at 3:45 pm. It is likely he was going to be called to testify before the House Select Committee on Assassinations. 1979: A U.S. House of Representatives committee report finds that John F. Kennedy's assassination was the result of a conspiracy. 1992: Arkansas Governor and Presidential candidate Bill Clinton tells the New York Times: "When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale, and never tried it again." 1997: Kazuo Konya, a formermember of the Aum cult, tells Tokyo Municipal Court that he paid $8,100 for the privilege of drinking the guru's blood in a 1988 initiation ritual. Other former cult members also testify they paid for blood, strands of Shoko Asahara's hair, and his bath water. Some say they paid $2,400 for an intravenous injection of an unknown substance. Ironically, all throughout, Asahara preached to his followers that they should renounce materialism.
LESSONS LEARNED FROM CARTOONS
CARTOON: Scooby Doo LESSON: Trust no one. Those phantoms in the fog are actually malevolent hicks, dressed up as ghosts to scare you off their spooky farm. That monster hiding in the attic is actually old man McGee, trying to find the treasure buried in the floorboards. And that happy-go-lucky frat boy, Fred, is actually a bloodthirsty killer. Don’t turn your back on him. Or the girls. Or your dog… Or maybe we’ve just been spending too much time in the Mystery Machine, and got a little contact high paranoia. Hey, it happens. You want a Scooby Snack? Yeah, it is dog food. So what? You’re really harshing my mellow man. What are you, a narc? How it affected us as adults: We can’t be certain, but it would appear that our habit of, upon being dumped, grabbing hold of our ex-girlfriends’ chin and yanking upward, started with this show.
UNITENTIONALLY FUNNY COMIC BOOK PANELS
DAD
MOVIE BUZZ
Sweeny Todd: Here's your first look at Johnny Depp in character in his new musical. And since that character is a serial-killing barber, this is the first musical guys will drag their girlfriends to instead of viceversa.
Transformers: Optimus Prime and Megatron go head-to-head in a pair of new movie posters. I think I would have gone with a couple of cardboard theater standees that actually changed from car to robot and back.
John Rambo: Australian authorities may have taken away Sly's stash of human growth hormone, but it looks like the substance did the trick in these set-visit pics. Come on, guys. Give it back. He looks good!
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The Dark Knight: Oh no! The Joker's henchmen are trying to steal the Batmobile! All right, they're probably just stunt guys giving the badass vehicle a once-over between takes, but I had to try to make this set-visit pic seem a little more exciting. Spider-Man 3: You can watch the "final" trailer here. Did we really need another one? Aren't I excited enough? Ah, who am I kidding, I could watch a hundred of these. TMNT: Featuring the voices of Chris Evans, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Mako, Kevin Smith, Patrick Stewart, Laurence Fishburne, Ziyi Zhang. Now that the kids who grew up with the Turtles the first time around are having babies of their own, they decided to make the pizza-eating crime fighters detached, depressed and needing space to work out their "issues." I'm not making any of that up, either, by the way. Even April's boyfriend has newfound commitment problems. I spent the first part of this movie wondering who they'd made it for. But then the shelled ones start battling the Foot Clan, and it more or less rights itself. I knew the toys and the TV show were hot again, so it was a matter of time before they dusted this off and made a new film version. And really, since it was inevitable — and even more inevitable that it'd be animated instead of dorky-but-amiable live-action — and further, easily assumed that it'd be by-the-numbers in the plot department, at least they went and made it look nice. It's almost a kid noir since it all happens at night and in sewers. And the CG is so depth-y, it's like watching a 3-D movie. It makes the first Shrek look primitive by comparison. You know what kids love? Irony! Well, you'd think they did from watching this, anyway. When "cowabunga" is reduced to a kind of in-joke instead of assuming its rightful place as a ridiculous dialogue staple, you know you're in for a movie that, as I mentioned earlier, is twisting itself into a pretzel to appeal to parents, too. And I always thought movies like this were made so that parents could have a little nap while the kids enjoyed themselves. I kind of liked the 13 monsters unleashed on the city that the turtles have to battle. They're forbidding, well-designed and memorable. And the fighting scenes are definite kid-pleasers. Also, it's also the perfect vehicle for an actor like Zhang to continue practicing English. It sure beats throwing her into something like Memoirs of a Geisha. In this Warner Bros. movie, the rat guru Splinter's hobby is "watching [his] stories." To demonstrate this, he turns on the TV and the CW show Gilmore Girls is on. Well, that's it for another entry of the Phile. Check out the Phile's Webshots page for pictures of my life and my Myspace page. We are close to reaching 1500 views of the Phile here, but my goal is 2000 by June or July. So, spread the word, not the turd.
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Thursday, March 22, 2007
I Heart Reese
Hello, Phile Phans, how are you all doing? Are you ready for another fun-filled Peverett Phile? Today is Reese Witherspoon's thirty-first birthday, so, Reese, if you're out there reading this, and I know you are...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETHEART. BTW, I am still waiting for your call. Today's Phile entry is brought to you by Ace Hardware: need a good screw? In Washington D.C. people want the attorney general to resign. Some republicans are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, but apparently they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. The No. 1 candidate is Judge Judy. Scientists say they are trying to develop a drug that eliminates memories of traumatic events. The research is being funded by Star Jones’ husband. In Hollywood the other night, the producer of "Girls Gone Wild” was spotted hanging out at a gay bar. Which explains the title of the new DVD, "Girls Gone Wild — At Least I thought They Were Girls; I Was Really Drunk.” According to USA Today, Tom Cruise’s wedding was in an Italian castle. Well that inspired Elizabeth Hurley to marry in a British castle, and inspired Eva Longoria to book her wedding in French castle. Meanwhile Kirstie Allie is getting married at White Castle. Tara Reid is starting her own fast food restaurant. Great news for anyone who likes their food cheap and soaked in vodka. I saw Tara a few weeks ago at a mall here in Florida. She was being followed around Macy's by a group of teenage girls and myself. That Boy Scout in North Carolina was rescued by a dog named Gandolf. Do you know who I would have sent into the forest to find him? George Michael. He can always find a man in the forest. The Supreme Court debated a case where a high school student in Alaska was suspended for bringing a banner that said, "Bong Hits For Jesus” to school. The argument is whether the student’s right to free speech was violated. The case is Roe v. Weed. Do you watch "Jeopardy"? Guess what happened. For the first time in history, they had a three-way tie. Now it’s going to be decided by the Supreme Court. Alex Trebek, the host of the show, was so stunned, he shaved his head and entered rehab. Here’s a creepy story. A guy is flying on a long flight. Six-hour flight, British Airways. Half way through the flight, he realizes the person sitting next to him is dead. Long flight. Six hours. Person in the seat next to him, dead. I say, Hey, count your blessings. And this morning, out of habit, JetBlue apologized. Have you been watching college basketball? To get in the mood I asked my wife to dress like Billy Packer. The world’s largest airliner flew from Europe to New York today. The plane is so big, it can carry 500 passengers . . . or 80 Americans. Hooters is in the news. Hooters announced it’s opening up its first restaurant in the Holy Land. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "As far as I’m concerned, Hooters is the holy land.” Al Sharpton and Barack Obama spoke on the phone for about five minutes yesterday. They have reportedly put their differences behind them. Which means Obama can get back to running for president, and Sharpton can get back to whatever the hell it is that he does. On St. Patrick's Day we went to Sea World and I saw a lot of people wearing buttons saying, "Kiss Me I’m Irish.” My friend Omar wore a button that said "Frisk Me I’m Arabic.” President Bush celebrated St. Patrick’s Day by saluting prominent Irish Americans. Bush praised Sandra Day O’Connor, Tip O’Neill, and Barack Obama. In Palm Beach, Florida this week, a shark attacked a lawyer who was surfing. Remarkably, the shark survived. Wal-Mart now classifies its customers into three groups: Brand Aspirationals, Price Sensitive Affluents, and Value-Priced Shoppers. When they heard this, Wal-Mart customers said, "Which aisle has them big boxes of shampoo?” Exciting news from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology. The Norwegians released a study that says having a sense of humor can help people live longer. In other words, if you don’t laugh at this Phile entry, you’re going to die.
FREAKY MUPPET MOMENTS
Looking back to the early days, probably the strangest thing of all is to see Kermit the frog with Jim Henson’s arm attached, as he did in a 1974 appearance on "What’s My Line". Even stranger — Henson cycles through a series of different voices to throw off the panelists. (Which stumped Arlene Francis and Dr. Joyce Brothers - but not puppet enthusiast Soupy Sales.) 16 years later Henson would perform the same trick on "Live with Regis and Kathy Lee". It would be his last public performance ever with the frog before his death of pneumonia at age 54. So it’s re-assuring to travel back in time and see the gentle puppeteer enjoying the reaction from delighted game show panelists — and showing just how much of his personality he projected into his work. Host Larry Blyden jokingly addresses a question to Kermit the Frog, asking “How long did it take you to finally get Jim Henson right?” Kermit replies that “The beard was the hardest part.”
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
This woman is dressed as one of the Tonnika Twins, characters who appear on screen in the Cantina scene in the original Star Wars for but a fraction of a second and do not speak. This is the equivalent of going to a Psycho convention dressed as some random person Janet Leigh walks by in the street in the early scenes. It's madness, I tell you, and it has to stop somewhere! Also, the Tonnika Twins have more of Speedo style shorts and the belts are completely different. Let's get it right, people.
REJECTED CRAYONS
Each year, hundreds of new color names are considered for inclusion in boxes of crayon. As you might expect, most potential color names never make the cut. Gathered here are some proposed crayons that weren't quite up to snuff. 1) FOUND IN A DIAPER GOLD 2) McDONALD'S BURGER GRAY 3) LOS ANGELES AIR BROWN 4) KLAN WHITE 5) FLU PHLEGM GREEN 6) SPOUSAL ABUSE BLACK 7) SPOUSAL ABUSE BLUE 8) SPANK ME PINK 9) MELANOMA TAN 10) TIME O' THE MONTH 11) TIN MAN JOHNSON'S SILVER
SHARPENING AXES
There are 1,929,770,126,028,800 possible color combinations on a Rubik's Cube. Gandhi once wrote an open letter to the British people urging them to surrender to the Nazis and to accept whatever fate Hitler had in store for them. NASA countdowns start 43 hours before launch. A recent survey of executives concluded that 91% consider a sense of humor important to career advancement. The area code for Antartica is 672. Forty-eight percent of Americans think aliens have visited Earth. Elvis Presley made only one television commercial, for Southern Maid Doughnuts, in 1954. The original Guinness Brewery in Dublin, Ireland has a 6,000-year lease. Only 2% of Americans say they're in a good mood every day. Ulysses S. Grant was once fined $20 for speeding. On his horse. The hole in a ship's bow for a rope, like the ones used to secure an anchor, to pass through is called a "hawsehole." New Jersey is the only state where all its counties are classified as metropolitan areas. In France, it's legal to marry a dead person. Before 1900, boxing matches lasted all day and sometimes went as long as 100 rounds. The "you are here" arrow on maps is called an "ideo locator." According to the FDA, a cup of orange juice may contain 10 fruit fly eggs, but only two maggots. On Venus, a day lasts 5,832 hours. George Washington was deathly afraid of being buried alive. Crayola is a French word that means "oily chalk."
And now, for a new feature called...
UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY COMIC BOOK PANELS
DAD
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
Few episodes of "The Amazing Race" have provided such accidental amusement and pop culture references as last night’s episode did. From sound effects at the pit stop that turned the race into a Benny Hill episode momentarily to a team member looking like a character from A Christmas Story, it was non-stop slapstick action. Joyce memorialized fallen team Rob and Amber by telling us, “They’re great to beat because they’re such amazing competitors.” Translation: Nanny nanny boo boo! We beat you, you bastards! Mirna said, “We’re going to be anicicle before this is day is over.” But her cousin had a better, PG-13 idea: “We’ll just be a popsicle; somebody can just suck us.” Teri and Ian had a conversation with Joe and Bill, and Ian jokingly asked, “Is your underwear tagged ‘Team Guido’?” Joe said, “You doTn’t want to see our underwear … We have thongs.” But that was not the disturbing part of the conversation; instead, it was when Ian said, “We have paper.” If he wasn’t referring to disposable underwear, it seems like he admitted wearing Oops I Crapped My Pants on national television. “They’re really not that smart,” Charla said of the blondes, but like everything else she said, her voice was muffled and her words subtitled because she was zipped up in her jacket as tight as Randy in A Christmas Story. She ran like him, too, although to be fair, she kind of runs like that even when she isn’t in a parka. Ian overcame his fear of rats while working with a giant mine-sniffing rat named Tupac. Things just don’t get weirder than that. “I’m glad they have metrosexuals everywhere in the world,” Mirna said, having convinced a number of men in Mozambique to let Charla and her paint their nails. Charla and Mirna fell behind and were in last place at one point, but they pulled ahead and checked in first and screamed with excitement. Mirna explained what this meant: “Just because someone’s a little shorter or a little skinnier doesn’t really matter. We work hard and we’re a damn good team. And if coming in first lets people have a little more respect for us, than that’s a wonderful thing to accomplish.” Yes, she did just equate her skinniness with the fact that Charla is a little person. This probably says more about my sick sense of humor than anything else, but I have never laughed more at The Amazing Race as I did when I saw Joe and Bill at the coal-bagging Detour. All the teams had coal dust on their skin, but for some reason, Joe’s was concentrated directly beneath his nose (right). I looked up at the TV and thought, holy crap, Hitler’s in the race. Oswald, covered in coal dust, ran to the mat yelling, “I’m hugging you!” Phil shouted, “No way,” and then started running around in circles with Oswald chasing him. The editors even included some Benny Hill-esque music. The Guidos beat Eric and Danielle to the mat, which did not make Eric happy. “The Guidos remind me of old women who are past their prime. She got beat by a bunch of queens.” Indeed she did: Joe, Bill, and Eric all arrived at the mat before she did. Uchenna and Joyce were saved by the first non-elimination leg, and became marked for elimination. Somewhere, Rob and Amber are forming a conspiracy theory.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1622: A band led by the Brother of Powhatan slaughters 347 settlers near Jamestown, in the first indian massacre. 1923: Marcel Marceau's birthday. Fucking mimes. 1931: William Shatner, the great actor, birthday. 1933: The first SS-run concentration camp, Dachau, receives prisoners. 1947: U.S. President Harry Truman signs Executive Order 9835, beginning the Great Loyalty Crusade. 2,000,000 government employees were required to take oaths and submit to loyalty investigations; of those a mere 139 were terminated in the span of three years. 1972: National Commission on Marijuana and Drug Abuse recommends ending criminal penalties for possession of marijuana. No subsequent administration has heeded their recommendation. 1978: One of the Flying Wallendas, 73 year old Karl Wallenda, plunges to his death on a cable strung between two hotels in San Juan, PR. 1991: Ivana divorces The Donald.
IMPORTANT LESSONS LEARNED FROM CARTOONS
CARTOON: G.I. Joe LESSON: Knowing is half the battle.
The other half of the battle is kicking Cobra’s terrorist ass. And with the coolest soldier codenames ever --Snake Eyes, Duke, Lady Jaye, Shipwreck-- winning the war on terror should be no problem. Good will always win out over evil, because good guys work together (Team Work! Cooperation!), while bad guys are ruthless cowards who turn tail and run whenever G.I. Joe’s laser guns get to zappin’. As Sergeant Slaughter once said: “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people and neither do we.”
Now that’s some good strategery. How it affected us as adults: Actually, we’re pretty certain that our strategy for the Iraq War was conceived after a two day long G.I. Joe marathon in the Pentagon. They just implicitly trusted that the good guys were going to win, that firing off our guns would make the bad guys run for the caves and that giving everyone cute nicknames was somehow endearing. When things didn’t turn out the way they’d planned, the administration placed the blame on faulty intelligence, or in other words: “Knowing is half the battle, and we unfortunately didn’t know shit.”
THERE IS A GOD
Lindsay Lohan was spotted at Plumm in New York City last Thursday chain smoking and drinking Red Bull all night. And because this is Lindsay Lohan, she decided to pull her skirt up to her waist and give everybody a peek at her private parts. She's just walking around and removing her clothes in public now. I mean, c'mon, at least pretend it's an accident. Put your hand up to your mouth and go "Oops." Fake that your clothes are on fire. Something more than just, "Hmm, I feel like showing people my vagina" and whipping it out.
HEROES
Somehow I expected this: NBC is being sued over one of the concepts used on its hit series "Heroes". Not that I expected the show's creators and writers to have "stolen" ideas from elsewhere, but I expected some artists to try and claim the show stole ideas they developed before "Heroes" first aired. When a show becomes a hit, people want a piece of the pie. In this case, New York artists and couple Clifton Mallery and Amnau Karam Eele claim that "Heroes'" creators based the Isaac character and his power on a short story, a painting series and a short film they exhibited in 2004 and 2005. Both artists say in their lawsuit that two writers from "Crossing Jordan", a show "Heroes'" creator Tim Kring developed, attended their April 2005 exhibit about an artist who paints the future. They also say that their work focused on the artist painting the destruction of two landmark buildings in NYC. This storyline is not unlike the "Heroes" one where Isaac, an artist who paints the future, paints the destruction of NYC.
Reuters reports that a spokesman for NBC said that the network believes the suit is without merit and that they intend to defend it and expect to win. There are countless of books, movies, comics, short stories, etc., about ordinary people getting powers. So it was a given at one point someone would claim that some "Heroes" concept was based on their idea.
DOCTOR WHO
"Doctor Who" executive producer Russell T Davies says the show will be back for a fourth series (that's British for season). He made remarks at the London premiere of series three. What's less clear at the moment is who will be playing the Doctor in series four. Current Doctor David Tennant has remained silent on the issue. Series three has actress Freema Agyeman playing Martha Jones, the doctor's new assistant. She fills the void left by Billie Piper's departure from the program. It had been widely suspected that a fourth season was already on deck, but Davies' confirmation should come as good news for "Doctor Who" fans. Now if only I didn't have to wait months or years for each new season to show up on the SciFi channel.
R.I.P.
Bowie Kuhn (03/15) Rhymes with "blooey," which is the sound his heart made when he croaked. Larry 'Bud' Melman (03/21) His real name was Calvert DeForest, but, really, who cares?
MOVIE BUZZ
300 2: After the action flick's massive two-week box-office romp, graphic novelist Frank Miller is already working on a return to ancient Greece. Maybe it can come out the same time as that Gladiator sequel they're always talking about.
Goya's Ghosts: If you thought Natalie Portman's head-shaving scene in V for Vendetta was disturbing, wait until you see her sans clothes and strung up on a medieval torture device.
Ratatouille: The official trailer doesn't debut until Friday, but what makes any trailer about a zillion times better? Japanese subtitles!
Watchmen: Zack Snyder lets loose in this candid interview about turning a beloved comic-book masterpiece into a movie. He seems pretty calm for someone with thousands of rabid fans breathing down his neck if he screws up one frame of film. Me included.
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods: Sources claim this will be the official title of Indy's upcoming adventure. And that's Gods, plural. The original God, who lent his Ark of the Covenant and Holy Grail for the first and third film, declined to be represented this time out. He and Emma Watson must have the same agent.
Superman Returns Two: Some reports claim that instead of a sequel, Supes will next appear in the Justice League movie. Another insider (the videographer!) claims Bryan Singer will start filming his follow-up March 2008, as planned. Here's my suggestion: How about Singer stays away from both films?
Yeah! That's it for another entry of the Phile. Check out the Phile's Myspace site and Webshots site. I am still wanting to hit 2000 views by June, so come on people, spread the word, not the turd. Tell your friends, loved ones, family, whoever, about the Peverett Phile. I will leave you with a not so random pic. Until next Thursday, 'nuff said.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Clickety-Click
Hello, Phile Phans. Welcome to the 66th entry of the Peverett Phile. In England when someone turns 66 they say clickety-click. Boy, us Brits are weird. This entry's Phile is sponsored by Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. "Chew, you fat bastards, chew!" Beautiful day here in Florida. So nice here in Florida today, the rats at Taco Bell called in sick. It was so nice today that Scooter Libby leaked classified information to Al Roker. It was so nice today, that crazy astronaut was wearing nothing but a diaper. Here’s something weird. A Taliban commander was captured . . . he was disguised as a woman. They caught him, and he faces up to 25 years in prison or a year on "The View.” President Bush was in Mexico this week, and he met with Mexican President Calderon to talk about immigration issues. Unfortunately things were cut short when during the meeting President Calderon immigrated to California. While in Mexico, President Bush visited the ruins of an ancient Mayan city. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, "We will get the evil doers who did this.” The Web site MySpace has announced they are going to launch their own news service. The MySpace news service will feature hard-hitting stories like, "Why Is Stacy Being Such a Bitch?" "Court TV" announced that they’re going to give Star Jones a new TV show. And that they’re changing the name of "Court TV." In honor of Star Jones, the new name will be the "Food Court" TV Network. Tough weekend. Did you remember to change your clocks? You’ve lost an hour. It’s just like watching "The View.” Regis Philbin on his show announced that he’s going in for heart bypass surgery. You know what that means . . . facelift. In Sweden, police arrested rapper Snoop Dogg on drug charges. Snoop Dogg says he accidentally wandered into Sweden on his way from Amsterdam to the bathroom. Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador, after the ambassador was found drunk and naked in the yard of his residence. Today, Israel announced that he’s their new ambassador to Ireland. This Saturday it is St. Patrick's Day. Irish I had a joke for that. The Power Rangers have a new show called "Operation Overdrive." Not to be confused with my new show "Operation Overweight". And finally, today my son Logan lost his first tooth. It was pretty dramtic. I had to rush out to get some cash to put under his pillow. In related news, my teeth still point North, South, East and West.
FREAKY MUPPET MOMENTS
Alice Cooper
BROKEN
As opposed to...?
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
Man, has this kid got his bratty whiney pouty Mark Hammill face down perfect or what? Also, I seriously cannot tell if the mom is also wearing a Luke mask or a Martha Stewart mask and I'm a bit disturbed that it's that confusing.
And now for a new feature called...
IMPORTANT LESSONS LEARNED FROM CARTOONS
CARTOON: The Smurfs LESSON: Communism works!
For naysayers who point to the Former Soviet Union as proof that communism is inherently flawed, may we merely direct your attention to Smurf Village, where everyone shares everything, wears similar utilitarian clothing, battles Gargamel and his turn-Smurfs-to-gold get rich quick schemes and obeys the dictates of a bearded, red hat-wearing, benevolent authority figure. Quoth Comrade Papa: “From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.” Really, he actually said that.
How it affected us as adults: Secret communist agendas ceased being dangerous, or really any adjective of consequence, years ago. The worst thing communism does these days is make Ivy League students waste a couple of years wearing ugly clothes and attending boring meetings. However, the sexual politics of Smurf Village, with its one female for every 30 guys, did go a long way towards preparing us for freshman year of college.
DAD
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
There is one rational, intelligent response to the conclusion of last Sunday’s episode of "The Amazing Race 11": HOLY FUCKING SHIT. The hour ended with a foot race that seemed to be created mostly by the editors—the two teams were at least a few minutes apart—but they did a masterful job, and it was crazy suspenseful. Those few minutes were especially intense because the race was between last-place teams Rob and Amber and Charla and Mirna, the most physical team versus the least physical team. I am so glad I didn’t read the spoiler list, because it correctly identified this week’s elimination, and knowing that would have made the conclusion far less satisfying. First, though, there was drama along the way: Rob said, “I’m not trying to be arrogant or cockey, I’m just saying’, like, I know I believe in us. I believe that we’re the strongest team here.” Amber said, “I almost feel that we’re peaking,” and Rob immediately dismissed that: “I’m not peaking. I’m not even close to my prime.” I love a little foreshadowing in the evening. “I’m treating her pretty much like a guy, except she has nicer boobs,” Eric said of Danielle. Is anyone surprised he’s comparing his girlfriend to a guy? Mirna told us, “Charla obviously wants to contribute, but I do more than any one single person has probably ever had to do on the race…” If you mean that you do more bitching, you’re absolutely right. Actually, Mirna finished the sentence with “…to compensate for any shortcomings that we have.” Oh, a height joke. Mirna, Mirna. Rob gleefully showed us “a little note that the stewardess gave me when I came out of the bathroom. … what can I say, she handed over the directions right to me. Thanks, Uchenna.” Uchenna explained that “Rob comes in and steals” the directions he’d requested from the flight attendant. Reason number 5,124 why I can’t stand Romber: They pretend as though they don’t need other teams and are amazing by themselves, but so much of their success comes at the expense of others. Maybe that’s great game play; they just lie about it constantly. Rob spelled “Philippines” as “Phillipeans,” causing them to be delayed at the Detour, and then said, “It better not be a spelling thing.” I’m totally over seeing Rob on TV, but I’d pay to see him get his ass kicked on "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader"? Romber switched tasks, and teamed up with the blondes. “I know where we’re going,” Rob said, and then took them to the wrong place. “It’s like one of the first times in the race Amber and I aren’t a the head of the pack. It’s a little frustrating,” he said, his internal organs liquefying. Charla and Mirna had yet another meltdown, this time carrying supplies up stairs. “What do you want me to do?” Charla screamed. But the best part was when Mirna picked up a big wooden box of supplies, and Charla tried to reprise her glory days carrying a side of meat through the streets of Uruguay, telling Mirna to “put it on my shoulders.” “I don’t need to be comforted,” Rob told Amber when they arrived second-to-last at the airport. “He’s full of crap,” Amber said to the camera. “He wants to finish first; I know he does. Because he’s deeply upset we’re not on the first plane. It just makes me mad because he lies. Admit that you want to be in first.” Amber’s kind of growing on me. At the end of the world, literally, the Detour forced one team member to search through 1,600 pieces of mail to find one of two letters addressed to them. “What they don’t know is that the letter was written by a team on the first season of The Amazing Race,” Phil explained. About half of these had nice content; the others were hysterically rude. For example, Susan and Patrick wrote to Rob and Amber, “Hopefully this letter finds you broke, lost, hungry, in last place,” prompting Rob to say, “this is just insulting.” And deserved. “We don’t have to come in first every time,” Amber said. “We still might be able to,” Rob said as they traveled in cab, in second-to-last place. Oswald and Danny checked in first. “We made it to the end of the world for you; please say something nice,” Oswald pleaded with Phil. “Got it,” Amber told Charla and Mirna, as Rob held an old clue. “They actually believed me telling them that the clue was down there. That’s just dumb.” Later Amber lied to Charla about misleading her, saying, “I didn’t talk to you guys, I was talking to him.” Charla and Mirna left the Roadblock just before Rob and Amber, because they were luckier and Mirna found her letter first. Still, that led to a foot race to the finish line. Between Rob and Amber and Charla and Mirna. “We can definitely beat Charla and Mirna in a footrace any day,” Amber said as Charla and Mirna left, saying over their shoulders, “Lying bitch.” As they ran, Rob and Amber in pursuit, Mirna encouraged her cousin. “I’m trying, I’m trying,” Charla said, and then fell flat on her face. Charla and Mirna made it to the mat first, high-fiving Uchenna and Joyce. That led to the best 20 words in the English language: “Rob and Amber, you’re the last team to arrive. I’m sorry to tell you you have been eliminated from the race,” Phil said. Rob said something about being lucky because he has a good wife and life, but whatever, he lost. Time to retire from TV forever. That said, they did manage to easily come in first place three weeks in a row, and they are good competitors, even if they are jerkheads.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1812: Luddites attack Frank Vickerman's wool processing factory at Taylor Hill in West Yorkshire, resulting in general destruction and attempted arson. The rampaging Luddites were incensed because his machines replaced workers, but Vickerman was primarily targeted because of involvement in an Anti-Luddite committee. 1894: Jean Pauwels is killed walking into the Madeline church in Paris, when a bomb in his pocket suddenly goes off. The Belgian anarchist is later determined to have been responsible for two other explosions in February, one of which killed a pedestrian. 1937: H P Lovecraft dies from cancer and Bright's disease in Rhode Island. 1998: White House aide Kathleen Willey claims on the trashy TV tabloid program "60 Minutes" that President Bill Clinton kissed her, touched her breasts and made her touch his "no-no place." Clinton of course denies this version of events.
I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
Not Enough Dead Bodies: The Royal College of Surgeons said there was a serious national shortage of cadavers which are needed to teach anatomy to medical students. "Visual demonstration is not enough," said Dick Rainsbury, RCS education director, adding that he had doubts about whether those who learnt by observation could perform operations with "any degree of competence or confidence. There has been a noticeable and serious decline in the general level of applied anatomical knowledge displayed by junior doctors," he said. By law, medical schools can only use bodies from individuals who specifically request their cadavers are left for study to teach anatomy. New rules that came into force last year tightened these rules to stipulate that such formal consent had to be witnessed as well as written. The RCS said it estimated 1000 bodies a year were needed for medical teaching and that there was currently a 30 per cent shortfall, with particular problems in London. The problem has become so acute that last year Britain's chief medical officer Liam Donaldson wrote to all doctors in England asking them to encourage their patients to leave their bodies for medical research.
THERE IS A GOD
Jessica Simpson is jealous of all the celebrities with babies and says she wants one of her own. She says what's getting her ready for motherhood are her dogs and that they're putting her into the maternal caregiving mode. Gorgeous Jessica, who'd have no trouble with volunteers to make a baby in the old-fashioned way, says she'll first adopt. There's no way somebody would give Jessica Simpson a baby. At least not a human one. The inside of a shark's mouth would make a better parent. Probably score higher on the SAT's too.
R.I.P.
Lamar Lundy (02/24) Not quite as fearsome without his foursome. Pretty faggy name, too. Arthur Schlesinger Jr. (02/27) The 1946 Pulitzer Prize winner for history is, appropriately enough, history. Clem Labine (03/02) Former Dodger, former Dodger,
Former DODger Clem Labine, He is lost and gone forever, Former Dodger Clem Labine. Thomas Eagleton (03/04) He's got no tamale. Ernest Gallo (03/06)Arrivederci, you old wino you. Brad Delp (03/09) Less than a feeling.
MOVIE BUZZ
Watchmen: In a special 300 trailer, director Zack Snyder squeezes in a hidden frame of Rorschach from his upcoming superhero movie. There are also a couple of naked women in the same trailer, but we fanboys know where our priorities lie.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End: On March 19, Disney will be premiering the first trailer all over the web and during the season premiere of "Dancing With the Stars". I don't know what's more exciting: Waiting for the trailer or for Heather Mills' leg to fall off.
Where The Wild Things Are: One lucky guy got a sneak peek of Spike Jonze's supersecret adaptation of the iconic kids' book. Sounds neat: All the creatures are giant "Sesame Street"-style suits and puppets.
Escape From New York: Gerard Butler now wants to star in a remake of John Carpenter's classic flick. Between wearing a mask in Phantom of the Opera, a giant helmet in 300 and now Plissken's famous eye patch, what's this guy got with wanting to cover his face?
Fantasy Island: Eddie Murphy plans to star as several different characters in a big-screen update. It's pretty much guaranteed he's going to put on a fat suit for one of them, but will they "shrink" him to play Tattoo? Or did Little Man ruin that special effect forever?
Shazam!: John August says he's working on a script starring Captain Marvel. Maybe it's too much to ask, but I'm really hoping he bases it on the '70s Saturday morning show, where the superhero traveled the country in a Winnebago.
Tintin: Steven Spielberg is going to take on the famous Belgian comic character, who seems like he's going to need more "hair gel" than Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary.
X-Men 4: Don't expect a major mutant brawl anytime in the near future. A Marvel spokesman says that the upcoming Wolverine spinoff is being considered the next official entry in the franchise. Duh. Wasn't that guy already the lead in the original trilogy?
Well, that's it again for another entry of the Phile (still hoping to hit 2000 views by June. I know we can do it, folks!). Please check the Phile's Webshots page and Myspace page. Remember, spread the word, not the turd.
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