Hello, Phile Phans. Welcome to the 66th entry of the Peverett Phile. In England when someone turns 66 they say clickety-click. Boy, us Brits are weird. This entry's Phile is sponsored by Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. "Chew, you fat bastards, chew!" Beautiful day here in Florida. So nice here in Florida today, the rats at Taco Bell called in sick. It was so nice today that Scooter Libby leaked classified information to Al Roker. It was so nice today, that crazy astronaut was wearing nothing but a diaper. Here’s something weird. A Taliban commander was captured . . . he was disguised as a woman. They caught him, and he faces up to 25 years in prison or a year on "The View.” President Bush was in Mexico this week, and he met with Mexican President Calderon to talk about immigration issues. Unfortunately things were cut short when during the meeting President Calderon immigrated to California. While in Mexico, President Bush visited the ruins of an ancient Mayan city. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, "We will get the evil doers who did this.” The Web site MySpace has announced they are going to launch their own news service. The MySpace news service will feature hard-hitting stories like, "Why Is Stacy Being Such a Bitch?" "Court TV" announced that they’re going to give Star Jones a new TV show. And that they’re changing the name of "Court TV." In honor of Star Jones, the new name will be the "Food Court" TV Network. Tough weekend. Did you remember to change your clocks? You’ve lost an hour. It’s just like watching "The View.” Regis Philbin on his show announced that he’s going in for heart bypass surgery. You know what that means . . . facelift. In Sweden, police arrested rapper Snoop Dogg on drug charges. Snoop Dogg says he accidentally wandered into Sweden on his way from Amsterdam to the bathroom. Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador, after the ambassador was found drunk and naked in the yard of his residence. Today, Israel announced that he’s their new ambassador to Ireland. This Saturday it is St. Patrick's Day. Irish I had a joke for that. The Power Rangers have a new show called "Operation Overdrive." Not to be confused with my new show "Operation Overweight". And finally, today my son Logan lost his first tooth. It was pretty dramtic. I had to rush out to get some cash to put under his pillow. In related news, my teeth still point North, South, East and West.
FREAKY MUPPET MOMENTS
Alice Cooper
BROKEN
As opposed to...?
UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES
Man, has this kid got his bratty whiney pouty Mark Hammill face down perfect or what? Also, I seriously cannot tell if the mom is also wearing a Luke mask or a Martha Stewart mask and I'm a bit disturbed that it's that confusing.
And now for a new feature called...
IMPORTANT LESSONS LEARNED FROM CARTOONS
CARTOON: The Smurfs LESSON: Communism works!
For naysayers who point to the Former Soviet Union as proof that communism is inherently flawed, may we merely direct your attention to Smurf Village, where everyone shares everything, wears similar utilitarian clothing, battles Gargamel and his turn-Smurfs-to-gold get rich quick schemes and obeys the dictates of a bearded, red hat-wearing, benevolent authority figure. Quoth Comrade Papa: “From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.” Really, he actually said that.
How it affected us as adults: Secret communist agendas ceased being dangerous, or really any adjective of consequence, years ago. The worst thing communism does these days is make Ivy League students waste a couple of years wearing ugly clothes and attending boring meetings. However, the sexual politics of Smurf Village, with its one female for every 30 guys, did go a long way towards preparing us for freshman year of college.
DAD
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
There is one rational, intelligent response to the conclusion of last Sunday’s episode of "The Amazing Race 11": HOLY FUCKING SHIT. The hour ended with a foot race that seemed to be created mostly by the editors—the two teams were at least a few minutes apart—but they did a masterful job, and it was crazy suspenseful. Those few minutes were especially intense because the race was between last-place teams Rob and Amber and Charla and Mirna, the most physical team versus the least physical team. I am so glad I didn’t read the spoiler list, because it correctly identified this week’s elimination, and knowing that would have made the conclusion far less satisfying. First, though, there was drama along the way: Rob said, “I’m not trying to be arrogant or cockey, I’m just saying’, like, I know I believe in us. I believe that we’re the strongest team here.” Amber said, “I almost feel that we’re peaking,” and Rob immediately dismissed that: “I’m not peaking. I’m not even close to my prime.” I love a little foreshadowing in the evening. “I’m treating her pretty much like a guy, except she has nicer boobs,” Eric said of Danielle. Is anyone surprised he’s comparing his girlfriend to a guy? Mirna told us, “Charla obviously wants to contribute, but I do more than any one single person has probably ever had to do on the race…” If you mean that you do more bitching, you’re absolutely right. Actually, Mirna finished the sentence with “…to compensate for any shortcomings that we have.” Oh, a height joke. Mirna, Mirna. Rob gleefully showed us “a little note that the stewardess gave me when I came out of the bathroom. … what can I say, she handed over the directions right to me. Thanks, Uchenna.” Uchenna explained that “Rob comes in and steals” the directions he’d requested from the flight attendant. Reason number 5,124 why I can’t stand Romber: They pretend as though they don’t need other teams and are amazing by themselves, but so much of their success comes at the expense of others. Maybe that’s great game play; they just lie about it constantly. Rob spelled “Philippines” as “Phillipeans,” causing them to be delayed at the Detour, and then said, “It better not be a spelling thing.” I’m totally over seeing Rob on TV, but I’d pay to see him get his ass kicked on "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader"? Romber switched tasks, and teamed up with the blondes. “I know where we’re going,” Rob said, and then took them to the wrong place. “It’s like one of the first times in the race Amber and I aren’t a the head of the pack. It’s a little frustrating,” he said, his internal organs liquefying. Charla and Mirna had yet another meltdown, this time carrying supplies up stairs. “What do you want me to do?” Charla screamed. But the best part was when Mirna picked up a big wooden box of supplies, and Charla tried to reprise her glory days carrying a side of meat through the streets of Uruguay, telling Mirna to “put it on my shoulders.” “I don’t need to be comforted,” Rob told Amber when they arrived second-to-last at the airport. “He’s full of crap,” Amber said to the camera. “He wants to finish first; I know he does. Because he’s deeply upset we’re not on the first plane. It just makes me mad because he lies. Admit that you want to be in first.” Amber’s kind of growing on me. At the end of the world, literally, the Detour forced one team member to search through 1,600 pieces of mail to find one of two letters addressed to them. “What they don’t know is that the letter was written by a team on the first season of The Amazing Race,” Phil explained. About half of these had nice content; the others were hysterically rude. For example, Susan and Patrick wrote to Rob and Amber, “Hopefully this letter finds you broke, lost, hungry, in last place,” prompting Rob to say, “this is just insulting.” And deserved. “We don’t have to come in first every time,” Amber said. “We still might be able to,” Rob said as they traveled in cab, in second-to-last place. Oswald and Danny checked in first. “We made it to the end of the world for you; please say something nice,” Oswald pleaded with Phil. “Got it,” Amber told Charla and Mirna, as Rob held an old clue. “They actually believed me telling them that the clue was down there. That’s just dumb.” Later Amber lied to Charla about misleading her, saying, “I didn’t talk to you guys, I was talking to him.” Charla and Mirna left the Roadblock just before Rob and Amber, because they were luckier and Mirna found her letter first. Still, that led to a foot race to the finish line. Between Rob and Amber and Charla and Mirna. “We can definitely beat Charla and Mirna in a footrace any day,” Amber said as Charla and Mirna left, saying over their shoulders, “Lying bitch.” As they ran, Rob and Amber in pursuit, Mirna encouraged her cousin. “I’m trying, I’m trying,” Charla said, and then fell flat on her face. Charla and Mirna made it to the mat first, high-fiving Uchenna and Joyce. That led to the best 20 words in the English language: “Rob and Amber, you’re the last team to arrive. I’m sorry to tell you you have been eliminated from the race,” Phil said. Rob said something about being lucky because he has a good wife and life, but whatever, he lost. Time to retire from TV forever. That said, they did manage to easily come in first place three weeks in a row, and they are good competitors, even if they are jerkheads.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1812: Luddites attack Frank Vickerman's wool processing factory at Taylor Hill in West Yorkshire, resulting in general destruction and attempted arson. The rampaging Luddites were incensed because his machines replaced workers, but Vickerman was primarily targeted because of involvement in an Anti-Luddite committee. 1894: Jean Pauwels is killed walking into the Madeline church in Paris, when a bomb in his pocket suddenly goes off. The Belgian anarchist is later determined to have been responsible for two other explosions in February, one of which killed a pedestrian. 1937: H P Lovecraft dies from cancer and Bright's disease in Rhode Island. 1998: White House aide Kathleen Willey claims on the trashy TV tabloid program "60 Minutes" that President Bill Clinton kissed her, touched her breasts and made her touch his "no-no place." Clinton of course denies this version of events.
I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
Not Enough Dead Bodies: The Royal College of Surgeons said there was a serious national shortage of cadavers which are needed to teach anatomy to medical students. "Visual demonstration is not enough," said Dick Rainsbury, RCS education director, adding that he had doubts about whether those who learnt by observation could perform operations with "any degree of competence or confidence. There has been a noticeable and serious decline in the general level of applied anatomical knowledge displayed by junior doctors," he said. By law, medical schools can only use bodies from individuals who specifically request their cadavers are left for study to teach anatomy. New rules that came into force last year tightened these rules to stipulate that such formal consent had to be witnessed as well as written. The RCS said it estimated 1000 bodies a year were needed for medical teaching and that there was currently a 30 per cent shortfall, with particular problems in London. The problem has become so acute that last year Britain's chief medical officer Liam Donaldson wrote to all doctors in England asking them to encourage their patients to leave their bodies for medical research.
THERE IS A GOD
Jessica Simpson is jealous of all the celebrities with babies and says she wants one of her own. She says what's getting her ready for motherhood are her dogs and that they're putting her into the maternal caregiving mode. Gorgeous Jessica, who'd have no trouble with volunteers to make a baby in the old-fashioned way, says she'll first adopt. There's no way somebody would give Jessica Simpson a baby. At least not a human one. The inside of a shark's mouth would make a better parent. Probably score higher on the SAT's too.
R.I.P.
Lamar Lundy (02/24) Not quite as fearsome without his foursome. Pretty faggy name, too. Arthur Schlesinger Jr. (02/27) The 1946 Pulitzer Prize winner for history is, appropriately enough, history. Clem Labine (03/02) Former Dodger, former Dodger,
Former DODger Clem Labine, He is lost and gone forever, Former Dodger Clem Labine. Thomas Eagleton (03/04) He's got no tamale. Ernest Gallo (03/06)Arrivederci, you old wino you. Brad Delp (03/09) Less than a feeling.
MOVIE BUZZ
Watchmen: In a special 300 trailer, director Zack Snyder squeezes in a hidden frame of Rorschach from his upcoming superhero movie. There are also a couple of naked women in the same trailer, but we fanboys know where our priorities lie.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End: On March 19, Disney will be premiering the first trailer all over the web and during the season premiere of "Dancing With the Stars". I don't know what's more exciting: Waiting for the trailer or for Heather Mills' leg to fall off.
Where The Wild Things Are: One lucky guy got a sneak peek of Spike Jonze's supersecret adaptation of the iconic kids' book. Sounds neat: All the creatures are giant "Sesame Street"-style suits and puppets.
Escape From New York: Gerard Butler now wants to star in a remake of John Carpenter's classic flick. Between wearing a mask in Phantom of the Opera, a giant helmet in 300 and now Plissken's famous eye patch, what's this guy got with wanting to cover his face?
Fantasy Island: Eddie Murphy plans to star as several different characters in a big-screen update. It's pretty much guaranteed he's going to put on a fat suit for one of them, but will they "shrink" him to play Tattoo? Or did Little Man ruin that special effect forever?
Shazam!: John August says he's working on a script starring Captain Marvel. Maybe it's too much to ask, but I'm really hoping he bases it on the '70s Saturday morning show, where the superhero traveled the country in a Winnebago.
Tintin: Steven Spielberg is going to take on the famous Belgian comic character, who seems like he's going to need more "hair gel" than Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary.
X-Men 4: Don't expect a major mutant brawl anytime in the near future. A Marvel spokesman says that the upcoming Wolverine spinoff is being considered the next official entry in the franchise. Duh. Wasn't that guy already the lead in the original trilogy?
Well, that's it again for another entry of the Phile (still hoping to hit 2000 views by June. I know we can do it, folks!). Please check the Phile's Webshots page and Myspace page. Remember, spread the word, not the turd.
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