Monday, November 21, 2016

Pheaturing Harrison Caldeira

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How is it going? First of all, do not panic. Are you good and calm? Okay, here are the facts: Sabra is voluntarily recalling many popular flavors of their hummus from shelves across the U.S. and Canada... including classic, garlic, red pepper, and pine nut... due to a possible outbreak of Listeria. Customers are being advised to throw out any such containers of hummus with a best-before date up through January 23th, 2017. I know that's a lot to take in, and no, it's likely not grounds for a lucrative class action suit. But the good news, if you've already eaten a bit of this potentially contaminated hummus, is that none has yet tested positively for the bacteria, so you're not necessarily in for "fever and muscle aches, sometimes preceded by diarrhea or other gastrointestinal symptoms"! That's what I call a win. Be careful where you dip your chips these next few weeks.
Another day, another failure to coordinate messaging between the president... and vice president-elect. Even as Donald Trump continued the very important business of blasting "Saturday Night Live" and demanding that the cast of the "highly overrated" "Hamilton" apologize for asking Mike Pence to respect their rights, Pence himself was defending their message on "Fox News" yesterday. "I know this is a very disappointing time for people that did not see their candidate win in this national election. I know that this is a very anxious time for some people," Pence said. "My daughter and I and her cousins really enjoyed the show. "Hamilton" is just an incredible production and incredibly talented people. It was a real joy to be there." He also "wasn't offended" by the cast's appeal at the curtain call, or the audience's booing as he entered the theater: "I nudged my kids and reminded them, that's what freedom sounds like," he said. Will Trump and Pence ever agree, even about something as simple as the right to free speech? Do they even talk? And why didn't Pence Instagram his playbill? Call me traditional, but I believe a wedding ring belongs on a finger. And now there's medical data to back this up. A 28-year-old South African man experienced a rare case of “penile strangulation” after putting his wedding ring on... can you guess?... his penis. According to the "South African Medical Journal," the man, who for some reason wished to remain anonymous, was attempting to use the wedding ring to enhance sexual pleasure, in place of a sex toy. But here's the thing, a wedding ring is not a sex toy. Apparently, the ring caused the man’s penis to swell up so much that he couldn't remove it, and his mother (!!!!!!) had to take him to a nearby hospital. At first, doctors tried to cut the ring off with a tiny surgical saw, but this didn't work for reasons relating to using a saw very close to a man's penis. So instead, the doctors were eventually able to reduce the swelling using a syringe and a pink needle. Fortunately, the patient is recovering from the minor surgery, but we can not confirm whether he is recovering from that ride to the hospital with his mom. That might be an even worse kind of pain. The case report, which is helpfully titled "Successful removal of a penile constriction wedding ring in a rural area," also notes that if this should this happen to you: “No proper guidelines exist for the treatment of this condition, so the ‘best method’ is the one with a successful outcome.” So next time someone you or someone you know gets a ring stuck on their penis, please pass along this information. But also, never, ever, ever do that.
A woman named Cailey Fiesel is suing the popular clothing store Zara after discovering that a dress she bought came with an unwanted accessory: a dead mouse. The 24-year-old bought two dresses from a Zara in Greenwich, Connecticut back in July. Then, two weeks later "while at work, she started to notice a disturbingly pungent odor," reads a lawsuit Fiesel has filed against the company. "As the day went on, Ms. Fiesel started to notice what felt like a loose string from her dress rubbing against her leg... without giving it much thought she reached down with her hand to try and locate the piece of string that was rubbing against her." As you've probably guessed, it wasn't a piece of string. And not an itchy tag. Not a rogue safety pin either. Nope. Nope. Nope. "To her utter shock and disbelief, as she ran her hand over the hem of the dress she felt an unusual bulge and suddenly realized that it was not a string that was rubbing against her leg but was instead a leg rubbing against her leg," reads the lawsuit, which I wish I wrote. "The leg of a dead rodent, that is." According to the court filing, Cailey Fiesel "jumped out of her chair in shock," and was "paralyzed with fear," then "after removing the dress she found that a dead rodent was sewn into the hem." This is the point in the story where most of us would throw the dress out the window, exit the building in our underwear and flee society, never to return. But Fiesel, being the kind of person who shops at Zara, took several photos of the mouse (I'll show you a pic in a second) and filed a lawsuit against the company for emotional distress caused by the incident, as well as large rash that was attributed to "rodent-born disease." Not all heroes wear capes. But those that do better check the hems if they bought the cape at Zara. Here's that pic...

Shit. It's Throw Up Monday. Moving on...
At the "American Music Awards" last night, renowned stars of 2004... Green Day... took the stage to play one of their new songs. "Bang Bang" is not "American Idiot" so you've never heard it before, but they included a line very much in the spirit of their popular protest album. An unlikely hero has emerged in liberal America. No, not you... sit down, Elizabeth Warren. Thy savior's name is Green Day. Chanted by lead singer Billie Joe Armstrong, "No Trump! No KKK! No fascist USA!" is almost as catchy as #GreenDay2020 (this hashtag has only been used once ever). And because they're the middle-aged heroes of today's protest rock, here's Green Day before the show, apparently treating the red carpet as their own pop-punk urinal.

Trump thought he had bested Green Day after their controversial performance at the MTV EMAs did nothing to stop his rise to power. Wrong. Please, please, please let Trump follow up the below 2010 tweet with a shot at Green Day like he did with the cast of "Hamilton."

America deserves this feud.
So, the Phile has a new sponsor. I think this is pretty cool.

Too feminine though. Growing up, people have made fun of my last name "Peverett" calling me "Pervert" and other names. I always hated that, but then I realized I could'e had it worse.

Hahahaha. This blog could of be called Pusey Phile. That would of been interesting. So, you kids like video games? I saw one video game at Clermont Comic Con yesterday that kinda confused me. Maybe I'm just not hip.

It does look good though. And it is weird that it's a game for Windows. Do they make such a thing? I saw a catalogue the other day and there were some really good deals. I was kinda excited.

Not bad, right? Hey, did you know Donald Trump has a new TV show coming out? First he was elected president and now he's gonna be on a new show. Here's what it is...

I'd watch that. The best part of Trump being president is this...

Yup. Yesterday on the Phile I showed you an ad for a real Star Wars themed sex toy. Well, turns out there's another...

It looks nothing like Artoo! What the fuck? Alright, and now for some sad news...

Sharon Jones 
May 4th, 1956 — November 18th, 2016
Dap's all, folks.

Denton Cooley 
August 22nd, 1920 — November 18th, 2016
He used to do multiple heart surgeries at the same time, running between rooms to handle "the tricky parts." What a nut.

Melvin Laird 
September 1st, 1922 — November 16th, 2016
If you mix up the letters in his name, you get "Die, Mr. Van Ill." Isn't that CRAZY? No? Well, okay. That's all I got.

This is a hard one. If you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, so, before I continue I have to say something... back on December 27th last year I interviewed jazz great Hod O'Brien. Well, yesterday I'm sad to say he passed peacefully at his home in Palmyra, VA at the age of 80. I have interviewed his wife Stephanie a few times and her and their daughter Veronica are in my thoughts. If you feel that you want to do something to honor Hod, they kindly ask you to consider making a contribution to one of the following great jazz organizations: Hod O'Brien Jazz Scholarship Fund c/o Band Boosters Albemarle High School 2775 Hydraulic Rd, Charlottesville, VA 22901, WTJU FM Radio Charlottesville, VA, Charlottesville Jazz Society, Richmond Jazz Society, Nursing Home Swing Charlottesville, VA. You can reread Hod's interview here... Rest in peace, Mr. O'Brien.

Alright, over the years on the Phile I have introduced you to some wacky characters. The very first one was Pat Riot, who hasn't been on the Phile in years. Until now. I wondered what he thought of Trump being elected President and what he thought of Hillary so I invited him back. So, welcome back to the Phile...

It's that goddamm wet New England wood, if Ida been there that witch woulda burned I'll tell ya, that's the problem with the Mexican fence, they built the damn wall, termites, they have termites the size of chihuahuas down there, not bad in olive oil with garlic, it's time use a few nukes, Jesus R. Christ no wonder America can't afford new infrastructure. Goddess dammed spicy brainer food rotting the pipes is what is, like an acid cloud... what the hell ever happened to wholesome family TV? It's gay TV is what is, & spicy Meskin foods on our plumbing and wet wood, they need to burn that damn witch & cut her bubba's pecker off before he gets another teen pregnant like that white house babysitter, he's a pimp now I believe, near you in Boca Raton. Got a while slew a girls brought in from Iodineania regular like. You can laugh but they'll be coming for yer yungins soon, sell 'em to the Chinese. Now we're outta shark fins & the eye tabs for the Earl cause Detroit can't stop making beamer cars, good old Ronald chump gonna fix it right up, gays women's blubber, bean burrito, bomb them sinsabitches and burn that witch, Jason. I tell you, started back in '37 all them Eyetalians comin' and integration in God's hell ever thought of equal rights, it's getting so a man's gotta pay minimum wage if he wants work get done. Do you know Columbus shit in a bucket, ate spoiled pig lard & discovered America? His grandson invented IBM & liquid paper, what we got now? Ellen? Sheet... we ain't had a good president since they framed Nixon and invented all that Vietnam shit, all we tried to do was get some KFC going to stop the reds and pinkos. Ronald Chump was a successful game show host and he wears that orange wig to remind people that orange is the black in Philadelphia, the home of Orange Julius and by the way Donald Drump is the vice president. Anderson Cooper is the head of CIA and Arnold Swarzennegger is the governor president. God damn my ass itches, use those goddam nukes... I just found out we have Eyerabs here in USA and reptillary Clinton is in a lesbian marriage with 2 or 3 of them, burn that goddamm witch dry wood, and shoot the ashes into interspace for Christ sales, it's not illegal but damn Ellen Degenerate and the association of serial killer circus clowns has taken over the media in a conspiracy of Yankees, Hebrews and the goddam Chinamen. Those damn Eyerabs used up all their sand dunes building golf courses and they got nowhere to hide and fuck them goats, so they're our little boys and turning 'em into little girls to to Chinese and Eyerabs, cause they got all our jobs and money and now they're buying our children all that alien shit is a cover, and Ellen and reptillary Clinton own 50% of them goddam sex change clinics cause we ain't got enough biological blondes females for those filthy Arab Chinese savages and Shillary and Ellen are making 'em now to keep up with demand and they're building 'em on taxpayers dime and stealing billions the lesbian consortium of clowns and thieves, a secret guild headed by the reptilian. Burn that witch, and vice colonel Don Dump, they gonna shoot that man, he wants to stop making little girls at the he sex change factory and sellin' 'em to those goddam savages. Jesus R. Cheeerist and don'tcha know that's why CNN lie on TV 'cause they want a one sex Communist takeover, where we born in test tubes and man woman sex is punishable by death. I understand Hillary Clinton has hair on her feet and the Rock Roll Hall of Fame is a front for illegal immigration and sweat shops for child labor in the Philippines. The next bubble is Philippines sex nannies and exotic birds. Mark my words, Hillary Clinton will make animals illegal for eating, pettin or any purpose except human donkey reptile hybrids. In closing, yes, getting rid of the Big Mac and the new prez burger the Ronald Drump is great for America, now that he's explained climate change is fake, can cholesterol be far behind you know, if we had more Drump burgers, banned minimum wage and finished cutting down the forests more people would be working. People say the South Pole is too cold, but it's a dry cold. Once we melt the ice, the potential for real estate is enormous and once it heats up another 10-12 degrees, they won't be able to build fast enough... mark my words, seal tacos, My greatest fear is Ronald Drump will be killed by Reptillary before he can burn her at the stake. We are a great country, the best, that's why both candidates were of such high quality, because Uncle Sam don't suffer the corruption of dictatorships like Sweden, Canada and Scotland. Now Hillary was going to increase employment by building the first gay aircraft carrier and creating more veterinary jobs by making pet cats mandatory and by issuing visas to 27 million 3rd world people's to work in government and education, by contrast Ronald Drump will employ America by instigating World War 3 and creating 8 million jobs cutting down the rain forests and another 2 million by inducing massive animal extinction. Thank God some corrupt bastard like Bernie Sanders didn't get in, he actually believes climate change is real, can you believe that? Okay.

Holy shit. Did you get all that? I don't think Pat likes Hillary or Trump. Wow. That's all I can say. Alright, the 32nd artist to be pheatured in the Phile' Art Gallery is named Merk and this is one of his pieces...

Poor Kermit. Hahaha. Merk will be a guest on the Phile next Monday.

The 53rd book to be pheatured on the Phile's Book Club is...

Phile Alum and author Jim Korkis will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Comedians making fun of politicians is basically the whole point of "Saturday Night Live," so it makes no sense that Donald Trump thinks he'd get some sort of special treatment, but clearly he does. The cold open for this Saturday night's show was a sketch about Trump (played by Baldwin, which has become customary) and Kellyanne Conway (played by Kate McKinnon), and... surprise!... the Donald wasn't too psyched about it. The President-elect has tweeted before that he doesn't find Baldwin's impressions of him on the show amusing, but somehow that didn't cause "SNL" to drop all its political comedy sketches (weird). Yesterday, Trump again shared his feelings about "SNL" (which, you'll remember, he hosted a year ago), tweeting that the show was "one-sided" and "biased," and didn't provide "equal time" for an "us" that he neglected to identify. Us who? White men whining? People who accidentally won the presidential election? It's not really clear. This time the outspoken Baldwin responded to the future dictator... I mean PEOTUS directly, tweeting...

Haha. So, I had an interesting week... but not as interesting as a friend of the Phile. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Good morning, humans... Time to bitch-slap Monday right in the kisser... Had an odd sort of week, still trying to sort it all out. Wasn't much in the mood for work... so I spent an inordinate amount of time avoiding it... Had a very pleasant evening with my youngest son and my ex-wife... Spent a lot of time being there for my closest friends (who ALL seemed to be losing their minds at the same time). Had a woman I know fairly well offer me $50K to croak her ex-husband (quite tempting... He's kind of a douchenozzle). Helped out a few close friends with certain problems they were saddled with. Avoided the temptation of squashing a rather annoying little fly that kept buzzing around and trying to get on my nerves. Guess I'll have to meet all your little friends you had waiting for me. NEXT time, sweetie. Learned the only thing that truly frightens the Boogeyman... is a horrible cunt like me. Went to see a dear friend sing at a club owned by an old girlfriend of mine. Spent much time helping a beautiful soul sort through a bunch of muck that's stuck in her head and heart. Stopped in at Corina's bar for a few drinks and wound up freaking out a room full of strangers when I jumped up to belt out a few old R&B tunes at karaoke. Got hit on by a simply gorgeous 26-year-old woman who was rather impressed with what she heard and saw. Spoke with my therapist, who seems to think I have NO intention of ever taking my therapy seriously and in fact, only show up because (as she put it), "You only come here because it's a controlled environment and you get to spend time verbally jousting with a receptive, intelligent woman." I maintain that I actually AM making progress and I told her that speaking with her may very well have saved the lives of several rather misguided individuals on Friday night. Think I'm gonna just spend the day reflecting on how good it feels to be singing again.... I did miss it so. We now return to the Phile, already in progress...

It's 11:12 a.m., 63° and we all remember when Kelly won the first season of "American Idol" (and captured the hearts of a nation), but it turns out if some record company execs had been a little kinder to her, she may not have needed the show to launch her to fame. In a recent interview with "Good Housekeeping," Clarkson revealed that she actually turned down two record deals before even appearing on "Idol" because the producers were pressuring her to lose weight. She told "Good Housekeeping," "The record companies] were like, 'You have to lose 20 pounds and basically sign your life away'... and I was small then, by the way. I don't want to start a relationship with somebody who says something like that. And this is my gift, and they wanted to take all the profit from me working my butt off. Why would I?" When asked how she found the courage to turn the record deals down, Clarkson said that growing up in a small town where "everybody always has something to say," helped her "develop a thick skin." She explained that she learned not to worry about what others have to say. "This is my life; these are my fingerprints; I'm unique; this is what I want to do," she said. "You worry about your own front porch and what's happening in your own world." And hey, now she's super famous. Bet those record company guys regret ever telling her she needed to lose weight.

Today's pheatured guest is a talented singer/songwriter whose new CD "Closer" is available now on Bandcamp. Please welcome to the Phile... Harrison Caldeira.

Me: Hey there, Harrison, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Harrison: I’m pretty good. I’m super excited for my new EP to come out. And I’m glad we get to do this interview!

Me: Holy shit, I was supposed to interview you in the beginning of the year when your last release "HIS*STORY" came out... I don't know what happened. I am so sorry. At least you're here now, right?

Harrison: Yeah, man. I did such a quick release of that record then I left right after to travel Europe. 

Me: Didn't Michael Jackson have an album with the same name?

Harrison: It’s very similar. My previous album name has an extra ‘s’ in it whereas Michael’s is called "HIStory." It has no connection that I know of though. The origin of the word history came from the telling of stories throughout the ages. I thought that it was a perfect fit for what I was trying to convey in my album. In the heat of the moment, I really didn’t realize that it was so similar to Michael’s.

Me: Harrison, you're from Canada, right? What part?

Harrison: I’m from Stouffville, Ontario. Just North of Toronto. Not many people know about it. It’s a small town.

Me: So, I ask all my Canadian guests if they are fans of one of my favorite bands... Barenaked Ladies. So, are you a fan of there's?

Harrison: Yeah, definitely. They have some great hits. When I recorded at Chalet Studios for my record, I found out it was the same place that “If I Had A Million Dollars” was recorded.

Me: That's framing cool. You were raised by Guyanese parents? I have no idea what that means. Hahaha.

Harrison: Haha. That’s alright. Guyana is a country located in South America. It’s considered part of the West Indies so I grew up around a lot Soca music.

Me: Ahhh. I have to ask you about your multiple sclerosis... were you born with it?

Harrison: No, I wasn’t born with it. It develops later in life. The way people get MS is unknown, but there is a lot of cases of it in North America. I have no clue if there is some correlation there though. 

Me: Did you learn guitar before you had it or did you have to relearn?

Harrison: I knew how to play guitar before I had my relapse. I started when I was about fourteen years old.

Me: What was harder? Learning it the first time or second time?

Harrison: Yeah, definitely. It was quite hard because I also had to relearn how to move my hands properly. My coordination completely went when I had my first relapse. It was so weird having to relearn how to use my hands properly.

Me: Do you also play piano?

Harrison: I can’t say I do! I have been trying. It’s a work in progress.

Me: Let's talk about your new EP "Closer." Did you write all the songs on it, Harrison?

Harrison: Yeah. I wrote them all while I was traveling Europe. Being half way across the world, the writing process was much easier too.

Me: Do you write songs about your experiences or write them like stories, if that makes any sense? I have written songs that are about my life and songs that have nothing to do with me, so wondered if you were the same.

Harrison: I write some songs that are so closely tied to my own life and others that are far beyond my own experiences. It really depends how I am feeling. I don’t preplan writing. I let whatever story come to me.

Me: What were your musical influences growing up, Harrison?

Harrison: I would say Bread, B. J. Thomas, Jeff Buckley and the Beatles were some big influences. 

Me: So,you said you traveled Europe... how was that?

Harrison: It was difficult at first because of some language barriers. But after a while, you see how the lifestyle is completely different from here in North America. To sum it up in a phrase, they work to live and don’t live to work.

Me: Did you perform over there?

Harrison: No performances. I mainly stuck to working on songwriting. I felt as if it was a great time to be with my own thoughts so I could zone in on some aspects of songwriting that I neglected.

Me: Where did you go, and what was your favorite place you visited?

Harrison: I went to Italy, Nice, Chamonix, England, Ireland and a few other places. I think Ireland was my favorite place because of the history. Before I left for Europe, I was studying a lot of James Joyce and it was remarkable to see how much of Dublin was attributed to Joyce.

Me: You didn't go to France, did you? 

Harrison: I lived in a town outside Paris for a bit called Lyon. And then I moved to Paris until I came home to Canada.

Me: Alright, so, what's next for you, Harrison? Will you be doing a lot of touring?

Harrison: I just got together with some very talented musicians, so were trying to book some gigs at the moment around Toronto.

Me: Thanks so much for being on the Phile... go ahead and mention your website and anything else you want to. I wish you lots of luck and please come back on the Phile again soon.

Harrison: You can listen to my single "Higher" at To follow my journey go to or Thanks for having me. I hope to be back soon!

Me: Good job, Harrison.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim, Harrison Caldeira and special thanks to Jeff Cameron. The Phile will be back Wednesday with My Phorty-Eighth Birthday Special Entry Pheaturing Phile Alum Robert A. Medeiros From The Clarences. Wow, that's a long freakin' title. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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