Sunday, February 21, 2016

Pheaturing Richard Adams Carey

Hello, morning, and welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. How are you? Today if you didn't know is the Daytona 500 NASCAR race. NASCAR would be a lot more interesting if half the cars had to go in the opposite direction. I want to be a NASCAR driver and use turn signals for an entire race. Signalling matters. I get if I invented oversized beef jerky lingerie, I could sell out at the next NASCAR event. Alright, if you are going to the race have fun. What else is going on?
Straight from the department of most horrible decisions ever enacted by the hands of man, a baby dolphin was reported to have died after a group of beachgoers in Argentina reportedly pulled the endangered animal from the water so they could take selfies with it. The unruly batch of oblivious individuals had grabbed the Franciscan dolphin, a species which is commonly found near the coastal waters of southeastern South America, on the Santa Teresita resort in Buenos Aires, Argentina. They passed the baby dolphin around and relentlessly snapped their cameras before grabbing two more of these innocent marine mammals out from the swell. Hernan Coria had captured images of the pair of dolphins and posted them on Facebook. According to, "at least one of the animals had been left on the sand to die [from dehydration]"... the Wildlife Foundation in Argentina could not confirm if the baby dolphin was already dead when it was taken from the water. Upon seeing Coria's images of the dolphins, the Argentine Wildlife Foundation immediately alerted the masses about how cruel and inhumane it is for people to snag these aquatic darlings from their natural habitat without realizing the terrifying consequences. They hope a situation like this will never reoccur. "The Franciscan, like other species, cannot remain for much time out of the water. It has thick fatty skin which provides warmth, so the hot weather will cause rapid dehydration and death," a representative from the wildlife foundation wrote. Franciscan dolphins are very hard to find and one of the tiniest dolphins in the world. According to the "Daily Mail," "There are only around 30,000 examples thought to be left in the world." Humans need to be reminded that dolphins are cool bros and will never pull you from the surface so they can caress you and use you for a new Facebook profile picture.
A video of a high school fight on in Sonoma, CA is going viral because one of the fighters is a girl, and she's got some serious MMA moves. In the video, taken February 11th outside Sonoma Valley High School, the teenaged girl throws the boy to the ground and knees him in the face twice, before body-slamming him and booking the hell out of there. Here's a screenshot from the video...

Knee, meet face. According to ABC 7 News, the brawl was a result of the boy posting comments on the girl's Facebook page. The male student is a freshman at Sonoma Valley High, while the female student, also a freshman, attends Creekside High, an alternative high school that shares a campus with Sonoma Valley High. Professional Brazilian jiu-jitsu fighter Kit Dale happened to see the video and posted it on his Facebook page, where it's since gotten over 15 million views. In an interview with CBS News, Sonoma Valley High School principal Kathleen Hawing expressed disappointment both about a fight happening on her campus, and about video of the fight going viral. Creekside High School principal Sydney Smith told CBS, "The lesson to come out of this is to think twice, and if it's not nice, don't post it," referring to the dispute on social media that led to the fight (sounds a bit like, "Don't start none, won't be none," which is actually a pretty reasonable approach to discipline for a principal). The school district issued a statement saying administrators took "appropriate disciplinary action in accordance with established school district policies," but didn't elaborate. Students told ABC 7 the girl was suspended, and the Sonoma police chief said officers are still investigating and the girl could face a charge of battery on school grounds. ​Look, violence is never the answer, but holy moly, that girl can fight. The ABC 7 report references an article in the Sonoma Index Tribute that reports another fight on that campus last month, in which a 17-year-old female Creekside student kicked a 17-year-old male student in the face. What the hell is going on at Creekside High? Who is teaching these teenage girls MMA? Some sort of MMA version of Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid, secretly training teenaged girls inspired by female MMA fighters Ronda Rousey and Holly Holm? And most importantly, when is the movie coming out?
Forget about shopping, a nice meal out, or even a spa day... the only thing you need to know about in order to treat yourself right in 2016 is the Anger Room. Originally from Arlington, Texas, Anger Room is coming soon to New York, Los Angeles, Dallas, and Chicago for limited engagements. Residents of those cities can make a reservation, and for $25-$75 (depending on location and length of time), show up and SMASH THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING IN THE ROOM. Who needs a massage when breaking everything around you is an option? According the the website, the Anger Room is "the most cost effective alternative to stress relief on the market." Customers are given safety gear like goggles and suits to protect their clothes, as well as a "weapon" like a hockey stick upon their arrival, and then they just go to town. Can two people go into an Anger Room together? You bet your sweet bippy they can... hello, DATE NIGHT! Screw Netflix and chill; you know you're more in the mood for Anger Room and kill! (Note: you are not supposed to attack the person with whom you enter the Anger Room. It's not like the Thunderdome. Two people can enter, and those same two people are expected to leave.) But sorry, pregnant ladies, you're out of luck... Anger Room does not allow expecting mothers to use their facilities. You may be full of rage hormones, but you'll just have to make do by trashing your own apartment, or maybe the apartment of a friend or loved one.
For its ad on the back of the "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition," Snickers used the space to cleverly poke fun at common retouching errors in Photoshop (after all, what's photoshopped more in this messed-up world than already beautiful women in swimsuits?). "Photo retouchers get confused when they're hungry," the caption reads, and it's apparent from the ad, which supposedly features 11 retouching errors. Some of the mistakes are obvious, and some of them you'll have to look really closely at this bikini model to notice.

Adele (who is no Kelly Clarkson) took a trip to Disneyland on Tuesday, and her son Angelo rocked an Anna costume from Frozen. Adele swung by Disneyland after she made her appearance at the Grammys on Sunday night, soaking up the full southern California experience. She was of course accompanied by partner and proud papa Simon Konecki, who appeared to be having the time of his life. Adele has previously stated that she'd be supportive of whatever her son chooses in life. And she now joins a growing rank of parents that are totally cool with their boys wearing Frozen costumes. You practically have to be Grammy Award-winning artist these days to afford admission to Disneyland and merchandise from the movie Frozen.
Speaking of Frozen, this should be a Mindphuck, but I thought I'll show it here...

Crazy Hallmark. So, in the original Star Wars movie Luke and Obi-Wan were supposed to look a little bit different. Did you know that? Here is a rare screen shot of what they were supposed to look like...

And Jabba the Hutt was supposed to be in the movie. That's so stupid. That's as stupid as this...

Now I'm hungry. Speaking of Star Wars there was a scene in the new movie that just didn't make sense.

Spaceballs toilet paper? Have you heard of the company called Valve? I haven't, but I thought their ad was kinda funny.

Hmmmm. Alright, so here's another pic showing why presidential candidates shouldn't pose with kids...

"Please, no." Awww. She's trembling. So, the Republican's picked someone to fill Scalia's seat on the Supreme Court...

Kylo Ren's handy lightsaber will keep them in line, he already owns a black robe and he shares Scalia's worldview. Alright, and now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Similarities And Differences Between Donald Trump And Pope Francis
5. Lives an opulent lifestyle full of gold and private jets.
4. Says a person who builds walls "isn't Christian."
3. Lives in Vatican City, which is completely surrounded by walls.
2. Wears about a foot of synthetic material atop his head.
And the number one similarity and difference between Trump and the Pope is...
1. Leads and army of gullible believers.

Harper Lee 
April 28th, 1926 — February 19th, 2016
She released her first book in 1960, and her second and last book in 2015. Talk about your workaholics.

Boutros Boutros-Ghali 
November 14th, 1922 — February 16th, 2016
Boutros Boutros-Ghali, gee! Was the sixth U.N. Secretary!

January 4th, 1959 — February 15th, 2016
Okay, so, six deadly sins.

Hahahaha. Yes! That's the best one yet. If you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Very clever. Alright, so, you heard about all this iPhone piracy thing, right? I wondered what a friend of the Phile thought about it. By the way, if the FBI wants to know how to spy on someone's iPhone they should just ask my ex. Ha. Anyway, he's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Good morning, humans. Happy Sunday, phuckerz. Many of you have been asking about my thoughts on the whole Apple vs. Privacy vs. Terrorism issue. Evvvvvvveryone's got their rights. Myself included. I have the right to sleep soundly at night in a place where the OTHER team doesn't HAVE TO play by "the rules." Let me sum it up for ya'... 'kay ? If "I" have to give up some of "my/our rights" in order to remain safe in this insane fucking world that "some of us" have forced "the rest of us" to live in... THEN SO BE IT. Bring it on! Read my email and texts... stalk my pages, listen to my phone calls and voice mails. I. DON'T. CARE! Mainly... because I'M not doing anything that I'm trying to... or even DESIRE TO hide. All I have to say to the good folks at Apple, is this... Enough with the publicity stunt... we're not stupid enough to believe that you actually CARE about our privacy and/or rights. Just give the nice men in the black suits what they want... before they hire a not so nice man in a black suit (like me) who'll lock you in a room... then throw away the room. This is the way it is... and will continue to be... from now on... Deal with it!!!!

In what may be the most depressing piece of correspondence you'll see today, a 19-year-old white woman tweeted a photo of a racist letter from her dad that disowns her for being in a relationship with a black person. She redacted some of the sentences before uploading the photo, but you'll get the awful gist...

It reads, "Stephanie. This isn't easy, but you haven't made it easy. Over the last several years, you've turned on everything that we tried to instill from childhood. You're nowhere near the daughter I thought you would be at this point, and I'm deeply broken-hearted. You treat both of us with contempt. You've been using us for money, while disrespecting us in every way. You dress like a street walker, and you sulk when we take you to church. You have no respect for morals, and have abandoned any sense of righteousness. Yes, we had this discussion - sort of - a while back. At that time, I hoped I would eventually take the high road and come to accept an interracial relationship. The truth is that I'm human, and I make choices of my own. While it may not be anti-biblical, I know I will never accept it, and I'll never forgive you. My belief is that interracial relationships are despicable. Vulgar and reprehensible. There's nothing worse than a half-black, and I'm crushed that my own daughter has entered into such a disgusting relationship. Mistakes can be forgiven, but you have willingly and consciously chosen a lifestyle of sickening choices, and I won't tolerate it. You have one final opportunity. Either end your relationship with 'Nike', or face the consequences. There are 3 suitcases emptied and waiting. If you choose this black kid over your parents, then fill them up and leave my house. Take my information out of your phone, and DO NOT attempt to contact me again, the rest of your life. Change your name as soon as possible, because I won't have any association with you. Ever. Dad." The couple has apparently been together for at least a couple of weeks; the girl's boyfriend tweeted this earlier this month...

They look so happy there. This is a horrible thing to have happened to them.

Kanye West
This page has been protected to prevent further editing by Kanye West.

Alright, today's pheatured guest is an author whose book "In the Evil Day: Violence Comes to One Small Town" is the 45th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club and is available on Amazon. Please welcome to the Phile... Richard Adams Carey.

Me: Hello, Richard, welcome to the Phile, sir. How are you?

Richard: Just fine, thanks.

Me: Before we talk about you we have to talk about your lovely daughter Kyle, who I have interviewed many of times on the Phile. I have to show a pic of you both...

Me: Have you seen those interviews? What did you think?

Richard: Yes, I have seen them, and I love 'em. I like their range and sense of fun.

Me: So, what do you think of her success and music, sir? You and your wife must be very proud, am I right?

Richard: We are. I remember her as a teenager playing me songs that she wrote, thinking they were lovely and what a shame, odds are, that no one would ever hear them. Now those songs are out there on her two CDs, and I'm as amazed as I am proud.

Me: So, do you understand Gaelic as well as Kyle?

Richard: I speak some Spanish, a fair amount of Yupik, but not a word of Gaelic.

Me: Kyle said once on the Phile that you used to teach Yupik Eskimos in Alaska... am I right? What did you teach?

Richard: I taught English and was a school principal, mostly in the western Alaska village of Kongiganak.

Me: So, how did you get that job? Did you hesitate at first, sir?

Richard: I had visited Alaska while I was in college and loved it. Once my wife and I had teaching certificates, we sent our resumes to a placement service in Fairbanks and got jobs in Kongiganak. The village is way out in the Bush, and we did hesitate, maybe, stepping out of the plane that rainy day in the fall of 1977, but we got to like it just fine.

Me: Kyle was such a small kid when this happened, right? How did you and our wife tell Kyle you were moving to Alaska?

Richard: Kyle was born in 1984 and spent a good part of her childhood in Alaska. We traveled back and forth between New England and Alaska, and we just told her it was time to pack up.

Me: How long did the Carey's live there?

Richard: My last year in Alaska was 1991, so it was back and forth for the kids until then.

Me: So, I don't know if Kyle ever told me, but does she have any siblings?

Richard: She has an older brother, Ryan.

Me: Alright, sir, where are you from originally?

Richard: West Hartford, CT.

Me: Did you ever take the ferry from Bridgeport to Port Jefferson? Ever been to Port Jefferson on Long Island? I am originally from England but grew up there.

Richard: Yes, I have taken that ferry a couple of times. Port Jefferson is lovely.

Me: Where do you live now?

Richard: Sandwich, NH, near the lake where On Golden Pond was filmed.

Me: Kyle lives in New York City now, do you visit her a lot?

Richard: I'd love to visit her, but seems I'm always too busy. Haven't been to NYC in a long time.

Me: And she travels to Europe quite a bit. That's pretty cool, right?

Richard: Very cool, and to be envied. It's also kind of a shame, though, that there's so much more enthusiasm for American folk and roots music in Europe than America.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your book "In the Evil Day" which is the 45th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. This is your third book, am I right?

Richard: Fourth, actually.

Me: When did you decide you wanna be a writer, Richard?

Richard: Maybe when I won a high school playwriting contest and got to sit in the audience during a production of the play at the University of Connecticut. It was a terrible play, but very well performed, and it was a kick hearing the audience respond to it.

Me: Your first book was "Raven's Children." Was that a novel?

Richard: Narrative nonfiction. It describes a summer I spent hunting and fishing with a young Kongiganak family.

Me: "In the Evil Day" is based on a true story, am I right? Tell the readers what the book is about, sir.

Richard: In 1997, in the little town of Colebrook, NH, a 62-year-old carpenter with property rights grievances went on a gun rampage, murdering four of the town's leading citizens. My book describes the 25-year prelude to the incident, the events of the day itself, its aftermath.

Me: What made you decide to write a book on this shooting incident?

Richard: I was drawn to the characters of the people involved in the story, and all its plot twists, the stuff you couldn't get away with in fiction. This event also involved an assault rifle, and I had a feeling there more such events were to come in America.

Me: Did you do a lot of research for the book?

Richard: I conucted 300 interviews, read several thousand pages of police documents, and all the media stories.

Me: How ling did it take you to write it, sir?

Richard: Including the research, 13 years.

Me: Wow. Are you current thinking of or writing a new book?

Richard: Right now I'm exhausted and resting up. But I will do another book. It might be fiction for a change.

Me: Maybe of your books get turned into a movie or something Kyle can write the music for it.

Richard: I'll insist on it.

Me: She makes some lovely videos... have you ever been in one?

Richard: I haven't. If she makes another one without me in it, she's grounded.

Me: Haha. I asked her last time she was here a few weeks ago if I can be on one of her videos. Anyway, she's a pretty good actress, am I right?

Richard: She once played one of the Von Trapp kids in a professional production of "The Sound of Music," and she was as self-possessed as any of the pros out there.

Me: I know you listen to her music, but does she read your books?

Richard: She does... she's one of my most faithful readers, bless her.

Me: Okay, so, when I interview Kyle next is there anything I should ask her, sir?

Richard: I'm always interested in knowing what she wants for her birthday in November.

Me: Ha. Okay. Thanks so much for being on the Phile. Tell Kyle I said hello, and please come back here when your next book comes out. Will you?

Richard: Sure will, Jason, and thank you!

Me: All the best, and take care.

Richard: You too.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Laid Jim and of course Richard Adams Carey. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Phile Alum Jenn Bostic. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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